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Retold by Ann ATAMAS, Group 33-E

A man makes contact with God and says: Oh Lord, do you

mind if I ask you a few questions?

God replies: No, son, ask me whatever you like.

So the man says: God, youve been around for an eternity,so, for you, how long is a thousand

years?

For me, a thousand years is only five

minutes, answers God.

The man then says: How interesting,

Your Almighty! And how much is a million dollars for you?

God replies: For me, a million dollars is only five cents.

The man says Really? Well, then, Lord, could you lend me five

cents please?God looks at the man, smiles, and says: Of course, my son, just wait five minutes.

Angels CompanyMade by Alex MELNYCHENKO,

Group 33-E

Sometime in the late 1890s, a new priest arrives in a Finnish village and decides to

get acquainted with parishioners, personally visiting every home. So he knocks on

peasant Jussis door. From behind the window comes the voice of Jussis wife:

Is that you, my angel?The priest hesitates for a moment and replies:

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SkydivingRetold by Sasha BARCHUK, Group 32-E

Yesterday, Bill went up in an airplane for the first

time. Unfortunately, he fell out. Fortunately, he

had a parachute. Unfortunately, it didn't open.

Fortunately, there was a haystack below.Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the

haystack. Fortunately, Bill missed the

pitchfork. Unfortunately, he also missed the

haystack.

__________________________________________________

You said I should spend more time with our children, so I turned their faces

into icons.

Vlad KUZMENKO, Group 32-E

Blondes MailRetold by Ann MOROZ, Group 32-E

A man is mowing his lawn. His neighbor, a blonde, goes out of

the next-door house, opens the mail box, peeps in there, slams

it shut and rushes back home. Minutes later, the neighbor runs

out again, peeps in the mail box and returns home. When same

thing happens for the third time, the man can keep it for no

more:Whats the matter? Has anything happened?

Exactly, somethings happened. My stupid computer reports allthe time: YOU GOT MAIL!From Vlad BUDCHENKOS collection (Group 33-E)

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Cyclists Shopping List (left)

Well, Im working in a sports store

Two months ago I sold a bike to a

man. Few days later that man came

back with scratched hands, and

bought gloves for cycling. A week

later, guess what? Yes, he came backagain with scratched elbows and

bought some elbow protection.

Another week passed and that man

came back again and bought shin

protection.. Since that time, I

havent seen him. And I still got an

unsold helmet. Ive started to

worry for that man.

ELEVATor?

(below)

Imagine an elevator on the top floor. There are four people in it, and a sign no more than four

persons Suddenly another man enters it. One of the guys in the elevator starts screaming that the

limit is four persons. And then a woman next to him says Dont worry, we go down anyway.

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Job OpportunityRetold by Yuri ISCHENKO, Group 33-E

There is a little firm, which has just

retired its guard. The firm bosss

friend advises him to place an ad in

the newspaper with the following

text: Small firm needs a guard for apermanent Job. The Boss follows his advice. Next day the

boss meets his friend and the friend asks him if there are any

results.

Actually yes, replies the boss, This night our firm was

burgled and robbed.

Dog Property RulesPresented by Oleksandr SIKORSKYI, Group 33-E

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it

automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

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Retold by Katia BOIKO, Group 33-E

1 Philosophy Exam

(True story)

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first

examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is

this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a

question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

2 Geography Class

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line whichpasses from one pole to the other, and on which the earth

revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on thatline?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Anecdotes retold by

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Yaroslava MARTSENYUK, Group 32-E

War Hero

A grandchild is asking a grandfather:- Grandfather, your hand was torn off in a war,

wasn't it?- Yes, it was, grandchild.- How did it happen?- When I was being pulled into recruiting station.

Voice From Out There(Cartoon unrelated)

- Miss Brown, how is my grandchild doing atschool?

- Not bad, but yesterday he asked permission toattend your funeral.

Scary Movie

- Who was watching the horror filmyesterday?- I was.- Go and clean after yourself!

NASA Technology

Presented by Vladyslav SMIRINSKYI,Group 33-E

When NASA first started sending upastronauts, they quickly discovered thatballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spenta decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen thatwrites in zero gravity, upside down,underwater, on almost any surface including

glass and at temperatures ranging from belowfreezing to 300C.

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The Russians used a pencil.

Medical cartoons contributed by Kate SEMIRYAZHKO, Group 32-E

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Medical cartoons contributed by Kate SEMIRYAZHKO, Group 32-E

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ON THE ROAD

A woman behind a steering wheel is like astar in the sky. You see her, but she does notsee you.

A policeman stops a speeding car with a blondebehind the steering wheel.

- Can I see your drivers license, madam?- What do I have to give you?- Your drivers license, madam.- And how does it look like?- That is a little flat thing with your image.- Aaa, (She rummages in her bag, and produces a mirror.) Here you are,

officer.

He looks in the mirror and says:- Well, why did not you say that you are a policeman?

_____________________________________________________________________________

A blonde crashes her car into the back ofanother car. The driver gets out and asks:

- Have you ever passed a drivers test?- Of course! And also I can tell you more!!! I

have passed it a lot of times.

-

Tkachenko Ulyana, Group 32-E

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MORE CARTOONS ON FEMALE DRIVERS

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Extremes meet

Retold and illustrated by SashaTRETEVYCH, Group 33-E

A little girl at a wedding

asked:Mommy, why do brides alwayswear white??Because they are happy, the momreplied.Halfway through the wedding, the girlwhispered: Mommy, if brides wearwhite because they are happy, thenwhy do grooms wear black?

For Ideas Sake

Retold and illustrated by Oles RYABCHUK, Group 32-E

Moscow, 1961. At a local CPSU partkom.

-Good afternoon, comrade Petrovski! So, you apply for joining the Communist Party,dont you?-Yes,comrade Ivanov, I want to join the Communist Party. And I want to beuseful for our country!-Very well. But first you have to answer some questions, comrade Petrovski!-Yes, of course. I am listening to you very attentively.

-Question number one: are you ready to abandon your family for the Party?-Yes, I can.-Very good. Questionnumber two: do youdrink vodka?-Yes, of course!-Fine, but can youquit drinking, for theParty?-Yes.-Question number

three: do you smoke?-Yes, I do.-I see, but can youquit smoking for theParty?-Yes. I can.-And, my favorite:Can you give your life forthe Party?-Yes. Yes! Who needssuch a life?!