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In England Now

A Running Commentary by Peripatetic Correspondents

FEELING is running high among children throughout thecountry that so far there has been no reply to their pleathat they should have an immediate rise to Is. for eachextracted tooth. A representative of the children saidin London yesterday : "There has been no increase in theagreed 6d. bonus over the past thirty years. During thattime the price of cinema seats has doubled, bars ofchocolate cost three times as much, and the advent ofthe new atomic weapons and Davy Crocket hats isplacing enormous strains on our resources." The Presi-dent of the Dental Practitioners’ Union has said thatdentists are unanimously opposed to a rise and that nointerference from the State will be tolerated. " Let usfight it out with the children," he said, " it is the onlyway to justice." Ministers are known to be deeply con-cerned that the situation should not worsen as there isclearly a risk that children will soon demand further risesin pocket-money, thus increasing the general inflationaryeffect on the economy. " Let us arbitrate now-it willhave to come to arbitration in the end," said the Ministerof Paradontics last night. He is confident that the Com-mission on Dental Awards will be able to produce a justsolution for all.

* * *

My dentist works at St. Cecil’s-in-the-South, across

the way from our place ; and, as we were studentstogether in the high-and-far-off-times, my treatment iserratic to say the least. When Conferences bow me down,it is too easy to mutter that old Bell won’t mind, andsend a message across. In the same way he knows thatto cancel my appointment won’t lead to much heartacheand waiting about. Our average day seems to go some-thing like this :

I get a phone message at about 11.50 A.M. saying : " Mr.Bell rang but you were with the Professor and he says he’svery sorry he won’t be able to make your 12 o’clock appoint-ment today but would you ring him back ?

" I ring back,and after a search they say :

‘’ We’re very sorry, but Mr.Bell has just left and we don’t know where he went. Please

may he ring you back ? " I leave a clear account of myexpected movements with both telephonists and tell them toflash my lights as well, but in the middle of the afternoonI absentmindedly settle in the one part of the outpatientdepartment where the 3-per-second flash does not penetrate." Oh, there you are doctor, they’ve been ringing everywhere ;there’s a call for you from St. Cecil’s." The slightly hystericaltelephonist says he couldn’t wait any longer but would I ringback shortly. By then Bell has been called to an unexpectedlyfractured jaw, and is even now at. the table. I ask him to

ring me back, and go home. ‘‘ Hallo, old chap," he says that

evening over the phone : " There you are at last, what wasit you wanted ? " " I don’t want anything thanks, what didyou want ?

" " Don’t be silly," lie says : You asked meto ring you back," " I know,’’ I reply, "But you asked meto." " But you asked me to ask you to ask me to ring youback first ! " he claims triumphantly.

"

Nonsense, youstarted all this." I am emphatic on this point. " Do youknow, I do believe you’re right now I come to think of it,"he apologises. " O.K., but what the hell do you want ?

"

‘‘ Do you know, I’m not sure now." He is helpless with mirth :" believe it was to say I was sorry I couldn’t make yourappointment ; yes it was. Well, do come over to lunchtomorrow."" Thank you," I reply : " I’ll ring you back."

* * *

Our hospital is a postgraduate teaching institutionand it attracts a number of American nurses who pausethere in their intensive global tour. Our Senior NightSister, seeing one of them on duty for the first time,remarked brightly, " Good evening, Nurse," to which theother replied " Hi," waving a hand in friendly greeting.It was, accordingly, with some surprise that a recentarrival was observed to be polite and aloof to the pointof coldness, adding a respectful " Sirr " to each sentence.Poor girl, we thought, she must have heard so muchabout the polite and formal Uritish ; and we gave her

time to settle in. At last my patience broke. I hadknown her for some weeks, and one quiet evening Isaid : " I’lease, Nurse, stop calling me Sir." She lookedat me through those acutely angulated lenses and growledunexpectedly and quite without malice : " O.K. youlousy bum."

* * *

It was late and it was raining. Bright shop lightsadded to the confusion of sodium street-lamps, zebra-crossing beacons, traffic signals, keep-left signs, and all theother means of keeping the motorists’ eyes off the road.A little green Ford dragged itself reluctantly past thered light and shook bumpers with a big black one. Therethis not unfriendly encounter might have ended, butfor the long arm of the law.The hall of the stipendiary magistrate’s court was

crowded when, two months later, my solicitor lookedgloormily at the notice-board and said : " Yours is thelast case of the day. You won’t get away before six.Consider yourself lucky it’s such a trivial affair. If allgoes well you might come off quite lightly. Of course,you’ll be fined, you know. They all went up this year,so don’t expect less than five guineas. There will becosts on the top of that, they are often quite a tidy bit.Of course, that’s only for the first charge. You’ll probablyget the same again for careless driving. Let’s hope theydon’t get you for dangerous driving-you could lose yourlicence for that. Do you have to use your car in yourwork ? Never mind, this should be quite a simple case.Why don’t you go inside and hear some of the othercases to take your mind off it ?

"

The first case was that of a young lady who had walked upand down the Strand a few times. She was fined 40s. Theapologetic gentleman who next stood in the dock had failedto pay his taxes on time. " Have you paid them yet ?

" themagistrate asked him. Apparently he had. " Then you mustpay a fine of 10 guineas," said the magistrate. The thirdprisoner was charged with stealing 6d. It was not his firstoffence. " What have you to say ?

" he was asked, to whichhe replied that he was very sorry and would take advantageof the earliest possible opportunity to repay the stojten sum." In that case, you shall be given your chance," he was told," but you must first go to prison for five months."

I can’t think why more people don’t go into the legalprofession. Hearing cases at a magistrate’s court seemsto be rather like taking a a.p. surgery, except that youneed think only half as hard, you get through the listtwice as fast, and you are immune from litigation. ButI can hardly be said to speak entirely without bias.

* it *

Last week I had to attend an important interview fora post in paediatrics. The prospect did not unduly worryme, though I was promised a gruelling hour’s interview.The night before the great event, however, I wentthrough the interview in my dreams, and to my surpriseit was so thorough that it included the examination ofmy tonsils. One of them was said by the chairman ofthe board to be infected, and somebody else got the job.

* * *

Why do doctors put strings of strange letters aftertheir names ? What use are L.M.S.S.A., M.R.C.P., or D.P.M.in helping a patient to find the type of doctor he wants ?Why not initials to give a clue to the doctor’s professionalpersonality-e.g., v.s. (very sympathetic), J.H. (jocularand hearty), or G.G.E. (gives good examination).

* * *

The pioneers of America might be less surprised thanis commonly supposed if they returned today. Thespiritual descendants of Billy the Kid, for instance, nowshow their killings by notches on the bumpers, are moreoften arrested by the sheriff, and are convicted in termsof blood-alcohol estimation and an inspection of brake-linings. Methods of making tea devised at the BostonTea Party are still in use to judge by the result. Indianwar-cries are still to be heard by tuning the radio toalmost any station. The standard crew cut of theAmerican male shows only too well that the techniqueof scalping is not a lost art.