Inhonourofabraveandbeautifulman:PhilipFrederickBotha(16.03.1962–16.08.2018)

Byhiswife,Toni-LeeBotha

Phil and his beloved Macaela, my granddaughter

MynameisToni-LeeBothaandIamtheveryproudwifeofthelatePhilipFrederickBotha.ThedateAugust16,2018willbeetchedintomymemorytillthedayItakemylastbreath.Mysoulwasdestroyedthatnight,whenalife-alteringeventtookplaceinamatterof10minutes,andturned my world into continuous waves of the most seismic magnitudes of emotionaloutbursts. They engulf me without warning, and will overwhelmme, almost literally, in theshopping isle, or in the car, or getting dressed. There is no particular trigger, they just keepcomingandcominganditisnobettertodaythanitwas5monthsago.Forthefirst3monthsIwould wake up every morning, happy for one fleeting moment, but the minute I was fullyawake, the realisationofwhat hadhappenedwouldhitme like a thunder clap, and Iwouldburst intotearsandcry foras longas it tooktodragmyselfoutofbed,composemyself,getdressed,andgetsomekindofdaystarted.Butletmereturntomyfirstline–“IamtheproudwifeofPhilipFrederickBotha”.

Why,youmayask,heleftyou,walkedoutonyou,desertedyou?Hislastwordsspokeninangeraboutlosingacourtcase?Andknowingthatyouweretheonlyoneinthehouse?Thatitwouldbeyoutofindhimoffyourbedroombalcony...?

SowhyamIsoproudofmybeautiful,courageoushusband?Firstoff,IamproudtocarrythenameofamanwhosewordWAShisbond.Iamproudtocarrythenameofamanwhowasanabsolutefighterforhumanrights,

whose strongwill developed in a very racist community inGautengwhere he grewup. Forinstance,thesirenthatwentoffeverynightforblackpeopletobeoffthestreetsoffendedhimevenasa5yearoldboy.Hecouldnotunderstandthisunfairlaw,andquestionedhismotherandfather.

Iamproudtocarrythenameofamanwhowasadreamer,whonomatterhowmuchhe hid his sadness and disease fromme, always saw the glass half full. Phil would alwaysencouragemetobemorepositiveaboutSouthAfricaandabouttheworldingeneral.Hewastheultimatemagnificentidealistandoptimist.

IamproudtocarrythenameofamanwhoworkedSOhardforme,soIcouldbehisprincess,someonehewantedtoprotectfromharm.Ithinkthiswaspartofhisoldfashionednaturethatofbeingtheultimategentlemanwholooksaftertheloveofhislife.

Iamproudtocarrythenameofamanwhoseface,peoplehavetoldme,wouldlightuplikeaChristmastreewhenIwalkedintotheroom,orwhenhespokeofme.

Iamproudtocarrythenameofamanwhowastheultimategentleman,toeveryonewhomethim.Andall thesewerequalities inapartner thatwereso important tome,asmyprevioushusbandleftmewithnoconfidenceinmyfellowhumanbeing.

Two Botha men standing as brothers: Phil and Thabisile Botha.

The two immediately “clicked” when they met when Thabisile entered our shop as a client one day. He was devastated when he heard of Phil’s passing, and wrote to say that Phil “was a gentleman of the highest degree and a true believer that we are

all the same”. ButthenmyperfectworldendedonthatdayinAugust2018.WhenIwalkedintoourbedroom,andwhatIsaw,canneverbeerased.IactuallyattimesstillthinkIaminadream. Whatledtothistragedy?

Tobehonest,Iknewhewasdepressed,andthathehadsharedwithourfamilydoctorfourweekspriortohissuicidethathehadhadsuicidalthoughts.ShewasvigilantandadmittedmyPhilintoourlocalClinic’spsychiatricwardimmediately.Inmymind,hewasinasafeplaceandbeingtreatedfordepression,Ihadnoideathatthiswasjusttheprecursortohisdeathfourweekslater.Yes,noideaatall,Iwastotallyblindsided.

IhavemeanwhileascertainedthatIbelievehemanagedtohoodwinktheprofessionalswithhishappy charm.Hewasahighly intelligentmanandan irresistible charmer for lovely,intelligent conversations. His sessions with the psychologist were spent chatting abouteverythingbuthisinternaltorment.

Ialsonowbelievehehadsuicideideationalreadyayearpriortohisdeath,andthathehad been “planning” –which is amisnomer, because an irrational,mentally ill brain cannot“plan”something,but,foralackofwords:thathehasbeen“planning”hisdeathforatleastayearpriortothatterribleday.

Inowrealise,afterspendingthe last fivemonthsrelentlesslysearchingforanswerstothe“why’s”,thathewasterminallydepressed.Hejustperfectedwearingafabulousmask,andobviouslywenttogreatlengthstohidehisillnessfromme,hisbelovedwife.

Philstudiedtobeajournalistandwasacrimereporterinhis20s.Duetothedepressingnatureoftheworkandbeingexposedtotheunderbellyofsociety24/7heleft,andusedhisincrediblewritingskills tobecomeasuccessfulcopywriter in theadvertising industry.Butsadly, likesomanyotherwhitemalesintheir40’sand50’s,histalenthadbecomeredundant.

Sohejoinedmysmallimportfurniturecompany.IfIhadonlyknownhowmuchhewashurting inside...This troublesme to thisday,as Iwrite this. I couldhavehelpedhim; I couldhavesavedhim.Myguiltofnotknowing is literally likeaweightofbrickson,and inside,mychest.Hewassuchanincrediblehumanbeing...Iwouldhavegonetotheendsoftheearthtosavehim.Whydidn’theknowthis?Thegriefofsuicideleavesus,thesurvivors,withnoanswerstocomfortus.JustloadsofWhatIf’s,andIfOnly’s,andWhy’s.

Indeed,somepeoplehavetriedtotellmehewasacowardandselfishfordoingthistome.Irefusetoseehim,orhisdeath,thisway.HewillalwaysbeMYhero.

People are entitled to their opinions, but they are just opinions. They don’t have thefacts,theydon’tknowwhatthetruestorywas,andclearlyalsodon’trealisethatdepressionisa clinical, biological illness, and can develop to a fatal, terminal stagewith just a trigger. Sodon’t listen to those people if you are in the sameposition as I am.Don’t allow yourself tobecomestigmatised.Honouryourlovedone,because,indeed,theyhadthecourageofalion. Weneedtimetomovethroughthepainofloss.Weneedtostepintoit,needtimetoget to know the extent of this pain, and to get to know how to move forward to a newexistenceinordertolearnhowtoliveanewunfamiliarlife.

SometimesIfeelthatImaynevergetoverthisindescribablelossandexperience.Itryandcomfortmyselfwiththethoughtthatoneprobablycannotknowpure joyuntilyouhaveexperiencedprofoundsadness–theysimplydon’texistwithouteachother.Likenightandday,summerandwinter.Andlifeanddeath.Buttobehonest,thatmakesnosensetomerightnow.BecauseIJUSTWANTMYPHILBACK.IwantMYWORLDTOBEASITWAS.

Because,yes,fivemonthslater,IstilldreamandwishforhimtowalkthroughthedoorandtellmeIhavebeeninacoma.

Naturally,ifIknewtheextentofmybelovedhusband’spainIwouldhavemadeanefforttotryand connect with it, do something about it. But, you see, we all get caught off-guard. Webelievesuicideisnotsomethingthathappensto“our”family.Otherpeopletaketheirlives.Notourfamily.

Isaythistomytwobeautifulchildrenandbeautifulgranddaughter:Ipromiseyou,andthisisapromiseIwillneverbreak,aslongasmybrainstayshealthy,youdon’thavetofearIwillleaveyou.Ihopetotakemylastbreathnaturally,asIknowthepainofbeinga“SurvivorofSuicide”.It’satough,lonelyroad.Butthatisalsowhyweneedtolookoutforoneanother:torecognise if our most important organ starts to short circuit when life-sustaining neuro-transmittersarenotsecretedanymore.HowcouldInotseemybeautifulhusbandwassoill?

Wemet10yearsago,andIimmediatelyfellinlovewiththisbeautifulsoul.Iknewhissoulwasbatteredandbruisedfromlife’sblows,and,yes,Imostdefinitelypickedupdarkness,nowIrealiseitwashisdepression,allalong.

Myattractiontohisintellectandhissenseofold-fashionedhonourandtrustworthinessmademeoverlook thedarkness I originally pickedup. Iwanted tobuild anew lifewith thishonest,openman,thismanwhodidn’thidethefacthewasatalowwithhiscareer.

Webecameso instantlyhappyand in love. I think Iwould liketobelieve Igavehimapurposetofeelgoodforawhile.Butthatdidn’tmeantheverydeepdepressionhadmagicallygoneaway,itwasaclinical,biologicalillness,anditwillnotgoawaybyitself,andIwasliterallyoblivioustothedepthandseverityofthisillness.

Itdidstarttoshowitselfinmoodinessanddrinkingexcessivelyandinhindsight,thesewereallsymptomsofhisdepression.Inthelastthreeyearsofourmarriagewhenourbusinesswasbasicallygoingunderduetobadbusinessdecisions.Thesesystemswereextreme,againIsuffertheguiltofnotbeingmoreintune.

Inowknow,afterchattingtopeoplewhohadknownhimfromachildandthroughhisteens,hewasatroubledsoulformostofhislife.Maybethismightevenbeanindicationofaneverdiagnosedbipolarcondition.Heobsessedoverinjustices,andthenews,infact,anycauseotherpeopletalkedaboutlightly,myPhiltooktotheobsessivelevel. Still,Ifeelsoprivilegedtohave“takenthenotes”ofhislife,andtohavesharedthelasttenyearsofthisbeautiful,kindgentleman’slife.AslongasIlive,Iwillkeepthese“lifenotes”inmysoul.HislifewillNOTbeforgotten,asIWILLremember.

Phil and I loved to travel, andwewereprivileged to do a lot of incredible travel.Hispassionwasphotography,andmygoodness,washetalented.WetravelledtoIndiaandChinaon numerous occasions, and hewould disappear into the bowels of these ancient, colourfulcitiestocapturethemostbeautifulimages.Streetphotographywashispassion.ThiswasPhilathishappiest.

Ifeelblessedtobeleftwithhisworktoshare,keeponmywalls,orsometimesjustlookatonthecomputerandallowmyselftobecarriedbacktothoseincrediblyhappytimes.

Toni and Phil in front of the Taj Mahal Toni and Phil in India Myhusbandwasararetreasureofahumanbeing,andnobodywilleverconvinceme

otherwise.Hewill remain inmysoul fortherestofmyearth lifeuntil Ican joinhimandoursoulscanreunite.

Iloveyou,PhilipFrederickBotha,withmywholesoul,andyouwillneverbeforgotten.Inyourhonour,IwillbeginaSOSgroupforotherswhobelongtothissoexclusiveclubofwhomnoone,ever,wantstobeamember.IfyouarereadinghereandliveinJohannesburg,joinme,andlet’sbeoneanother’swoundedhealersonournewjourneyoffindingnewmeaninginalifethathaslostsomuchofitspreviousmeaning.