I N D O O R

V O I C E S

AN EBOOK BY

CASEY ASHMAN

all i want in this lifeis to wake up in the middle of the nightto find myself wrapped around you,like two snakes that are hibernating(my bruised kneecaps againstthe perfect hinge of your legs,my chest cradling the brick in the small of your back)and make sleepy love.i want to wake up in the midst of a blizzard,4 a.m coming down,and ask you (softly) if you are awakeand receive only kissesas an answer.i wrote this for you.

My heart has only ever led mein whiskey-stained circles

and my dreams have only ever guided meto the death of my siblings

or some nameless heartacheand this is why i never tell people

to follow their dreamsor

listen to their heart.

There is a sadness in me like 200 empty swingsets

God bless your fingers that hum like railway-men,and say “amen” and “hallelujah” across my flesh

like church-goers.your hands, so graceful, hold

ten of the most tender explorersten of the most gentle ghosts

ten needles in my left ventricleten questions at the end of ten

knuckle sentences.the first time, the accidental time,

you spoke in a voice that finally called me back.

the second time, with intent and a little dishonesty,

our voices whispered,they did cartwheels across sheets that

sighed like springtime.you swallow my sadness

just like a necklace:one pearl

at a

time

in spite of all the illyou keep inside youlike extra rows of teeth,never will your warm thin handsbe anything other to methan home.and the sea-blue of your eyes

stumbles into me after cryingover a shallow ugly messi created for myself.everything is holding its breath inside meand here you are, kissing the track markson my lips, where our demons metfor a playdate

Sometimes he finds me:

A lost girlwith a chip on my shoulder,

anxieties in my fists,and tangles in my hair.

and he is still good to me.he still touches the cracks in my skin

like they’ve healed alreadyhe still wraps his arms around

a body that has brokenand no longer bends,

he still sighs into my mouthhe still tastes like my namehe still goes looking for me

even where i can’t be found.Mom says “he will leave you”Dad keeps guns in the closet,

knives in the drawer next to the stove.the idea that there is blood in me

that he may never seemakes me need to sleep.

You are making me crazy.youare

making me want to touch your hand.making me want to save you.making me want to keep you.

so when people stare at me15 years from hereand from nowthey’ll say, “with scars like that, who’s ever gonna love her?”

i’ll think to myself,“I don’t even feel them anymore.”

Everyone tells a story without talkingand his heart sounds louder than any war drum; closer in rhythm to the sea than anything else.

he loves me with the lights onthe windows openthe curtains drawn

How beautifuland peacefuland natural

and manageable life seems

with two of the right arms wrapped around you

HHHHIi want to kiss you

duh hello are you therethank you i am heremy stomach hurtscan i kiss you nowi miss you already

u

HAIKUS

Write things on my skinin the darkness of your room

tell me your secrets

i will spit on youand all the things you hold dear

including money

Occasionally,i am rainsoaked at the thoughtof you and i, there

i want to kiss yousorry my handwriting sucks

can i kiss you now?

my heart: thunderousit’s 11:11

i make fists only.

it’s never too roughfor the ghoul and the gutter

because we have time.

When you look at mewith all that rot in your mouth,my bones just open.

thank u lidl babies :+)i would like to thank a certain ghoul

who has nice eyes and makes me unafraid,and also you

thank you for reading thisi hope you get what you want

for your birthdayi like your socks

and i think you’re good at lots of thingsi’m a garbage idiot loserbabybut i hope this made u smile

♡

@planetgaytardactualhobo.tumblr.com

♡