Taming Tantrums

Introduction

Having a child who throws enormous tantrums, won’t follow rules, flips out when told “no”, has a feisty temperament, can’t seem to regulate their emotions, seems defiant, or is in a constant stage of “the terrible two’s” is tough; there’s no other way to say it. As a parent, seeing these things show up every day goes against every vision of parenting we’ve ever had.

But for many of us, that is our daily reality. Those moments make any parent feel as though they’ve failed as a parent. These same parents have desperately tried every parenting trick in the book. Whether it’s being extra stern, or overly nice. Consistent and present, or a little withdrawn. None of the parenting tactics bring any changes to the child’s behavior. Dealing with that day in and day out is draining. It’s exhausting. It all seems like a complete puzzle, one that provokes a mental tug of war about which way to handle it and if it will really be this hard forever. If you can relate to any of these thoughts and feelings, let me assure you of two things: you aren’t alone, and there is hope for change.

I was in that position too, which drove me into all the research, education, and training I could possibly get my hands on. After many years of college education, studying parenting books, and of course daily practice as a parent, I have found ways to simplify it all, end the mental tug of war, and actually turn that behavior around.

It doesn’t happen overnight, it isn’t a one and done kind of thing, in fact, not even I have it perfect. There are times when I see those tantrums, power struggles, and constant battles creeping back into my home. Those are the times I take myself back to these basics I will share with you. These simple and powerful concepts are what has transformed my life as a parent, my connection with my kids, and the way I approach behavior in general. I’ve helped dozens of other parents through this process and along the way I receive comments like this:

“To me, it was a mental relief to start approaching my child in this fashion.   It gave me new energy to help my child.” -Heather Huxol

“This was the missing piece I have been looking for!” -Krystle Lopez

“She gave me a perspective and a new way of addressing the same old problem/challenge.” - McCall Nelson

1Wendy Bertagnole

Parenting shouldn’t be draining. It won’t be perfect, but it should be fun, full of love, connection, and the occasional hard time. Let’s get you to that place by simplifying the way you address challenging behavior.

Understanding Behavior

The largest part of addressing behavior effectively is understanding why it happens. Once a parent clearly understands the meaning and purpose behind the behavior, addressing it becomes much more simple.

For a minute let me tell you an analogy of getting rid of weeds. A person could find weeds and decide to mow them down religiously every single week. Even if the gardener gets creative and uses different methods of cutting the weeds, the weeds will come back each and every time. That will happen until the time is taken to get down on hands and knees and pluck the weeds up from the roots (ok either that or spray them). Only by addressing the root of the weed will it actually go away permanently.

Behavior is much the same, until we can figure out the meaning behind behavior (or get to the root of it), it will continue to happen. We can send kids to timeout, scold, plead, and bribe for years with no success, we have to take a step back and look at more than just the behavior.

Take this for example. The other day I was watching a few kids play in a toy area when a little boy about 2 years old started whining. His whine was strange and, from my perspective of not knowing him and not being able to see him completely, I didn’t know if it was a frustrated whine, an “I want attention whine” or a hurt whine. Nobody was coming to help him so I got to the root of his behavior by changing my perspective. I walked over to look at what was happening and saw his finger stuck in a toy. I immediately helped him get his finger out, and he was on his merry little way. His whining seemed puzzling until I took the time to get a little different perspective, which showed me the root of the whining. Changing perspective helped me see and support him in the exact way he needed in that moment.

That is what we will start out doing in this book. We will adjust our perspective and see behavior from a different angle. An angle that will show you very clearly why behavior happens and exactly how to address it.

2Wendy Bertagnole

Chapter 1:

The Role of The Parent

Now you know that behavior is a form of communication which means the role of the parent is to understand what is being communicated and support a child in solving that problem.

Today, let’s talk about how that is going to happen. It all starts with (again) changing the way we use typical parenting strategies.

A New Perspective

As parents, we have a vested interest in our kids’ behavior. We feel as though what they do reflects on our parenting abilities. We see it that way because we are emotionally tied to our children’s actions. We take pride in watching them act respectfully. Our hearts fill with joy when we observe a moment of kindness, because we feel all those reflect on us. In the same light, we feel that our child’s “misbehavior” is a reflection of something we’ve done wrong as parents. For that reason, when we see any behavior outside of what we feel is “good,” we immediately jump in and try to fix it.

To continue with our analogy of gardening, this would be similar to a homeowner who plants a garden, works hard to do everything just right, spends hours watering, and worrying about the tiny little plants that will soon grow to a wonderful garden. During that wait, a few weeds pop up.

Imagine for a moment that the gardener becomes embarrassed at the sight of weeds in this garden he worked so hard on. In his embarrassment, he goes out and trims them all down so they aren’t visible to others. His garden looks perfect for a moment, but in reality it is full of all the same weeds he began with. Every day he clips down any site of the weeds and tells himself his garden looks perfect, just the way he always imagined. Every day he is then required to maintain the look of that garden, making more work for himself just to keep up the façade of having that perfect looking garden.

This is similar to a parent trying to discipline every behavior they see. It all might look good, but in the end, it isn’t solving the root of the problem. Those behaviors will surface again and again, forcing the parent to always be on guard, be ready to discipline and stay consistent. That scenario is likely where you are stuck right now. It’s exhausting, it doesn’t work, and there is a much more effective way.

Going back to the gardener, let’s say the gardener sees the weeds and instead of being ashamed and trying to hide those weeds, he does something different. This time, the acknowledges that he

3Wendy Bertagnole

has weeds and plans a chunk of time each day to pluck each of those weeds out by the root. It is more time consuming at first, but in the long run, this garden will need much less maintenance and will produce more fruit. Sure, there will be weeds that pop up from time to time. When they do, he will pluck those out just as easily as the others. It is part of the process of having a plentiful garden, and he is willing to put in the extra work to get to the root and solve the problem completely.

So it is with parenting, we must take the time to get to the root of these behaviors and eventually, most of them will disappear. When one pops up, it is important to stay neutral about the meaning of the behavior. It isn’t a reflection of anything more than the root of what is causing it, and over the course of this book, I’ll show you exactly what those roots are.

From here on out, we will take the perspective of the gardener who wants to get to the root. It will feel different. You may receive comments about the different way you approach behavior, but trust me, once you see the power of this approach, you won’t want to go back to just clipping those weeds.

To start you out on the right path, we need to develop a parenting mantra to help you stay in the role of exposing the roots rather than quickly cutting down the weeds. The mantra needs to reflect your goal as a parent, your role in supporting your child, and the ways you plan to show up to help your child get to the root of the behaviors in their life.

If I were to have a mantra for every parent it would be this:

“My job as a parent is to support my child in his/her behavior. I don’t have to stop the behavior. I don’t have to punish the behavior. I seek to understand the behavior so I can help my child work

through it while maintaining open communication, emotional connection, and respect. I am a teacher, I teach through guidance.”

How does that feel? Does that change things? I hope so. I remind myself of these things during tantrums. I remind myself of these during hard times. So, when my son starts freaking out, yelling, screaming, and becoming out of control, I know where I stand. I am confident in my role and while dealing with the behavior isn’t fun, it is a way for me to remind my child that I’m here for him through the good and bad. I am here to support.

This is where you go from being a parent who tries to control reactions, to being a parent who is proactive by teaching your child how to independently solve these problems, and eventually to find ways to get to the bottom of behavior when they’re on their own. Remember it is a process, it won’t be perfect every time, but already you are miles ahead of where you started!

Next chapter you will learn about the different layers of behavior and how to start responding more effectively to enable you to get to the root of it all.

Homework:

4Wendy Bertagnole

1. Write a personal mantra for yourself. Feel free to use portions of what I wrote. I

want you to write something powerful and meaningful to you. Keep it positive. Write from your heart. Once you’ve written it, write it down or print it out and read it often.

5Wendy Bertagnole

Chapter 2:

Understanding Behavior

In the last chapter we talked about behavior being similar to a weed that will continue to grow back until the root is plucked. Now we are going to take the time to really understand how to get to the root of behavior so we can start addressing it more effectively.

Exposing the Root of Behavior

Getting to the root of behavior starts by looking at behavior from a different angle. Typically, when we see a child doing something “naughty,” we assume it is a willful choice. We then interpret that choice to reflect on the child’s personality (my child is just stubborn, manipulative, emotional, whiney, defiant, etc.). Or we take it as a direct reflection of our own inadequate parenting (I’m not strict enough, I’m not consistent enough, I don’t have the energy to keep up, etc.). Those thoughts cause us parents to want to immediately stop the behavior from happening because the behavior reflects poorly on us or our kids.

When we try to stop behavior from happening we end up focusing just on the behavior rather than rather than digging to the root of what actually caused the behavior in the first place. While it is tempting to think that a rotten personality, a difficult phase, or a horrible parenting style is at the root of behavior, most often it is something deeper.

Unfortunately, the typical parenting strategies we’ve all been taught don’t help us dig deeper to the cause of behaviors. Think about it; timeouts, grounding, scolding, putting soap in the mouth, etc. Every single one of those is a response to the behavior itself and a way to get the child to “not want to” engage in that behavior again. As you have likely seen, typical parenting strategies are like mowing down weeds, they don’t keep the behavior away permanently. Likely the child that goes to timeout today will go there tomorrow and the next day and the next until they learn to either be more sneaky or until you, as the parent gives up. That isn’t sustainable, it’s frustrating, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time for that!

A Better Solution

6Wendy Bertagnole

After studying behavior for many years, Dr. Ross Greene discovered a groundbreaking concept that addresses this societal problem. He realized that as parents we tend to treat behavior with the idea that “kids do well when they wanna.” We punish, discipline, etc. so they don’t want to do that behavior anymore and they want to avoid those punishments and will then do “good.” That might work on very passive kids, but it won’t work on any child who has a determined bone in their body. Ross Greene suggests a more powerful way to approach this is with the idea that “kids do well when they can.”

Behavior is Communication

The most effective way to address behavior, then is to help kid so they CAN do well. This is done by interpreting behavior as a call for help.

When behavior is seen as a call for help to deal with a problem, it becomes more of an expression of something lacking, is off, or is out of reach to the child (figuratively). It also acts as a clue for uncovering the deeper problem behind it. Essentially it is a way of communicating that a child needs help because they “can’t” do something on their own.

If we take a minute to think about it, behavior is the way humans communicate that something is wrong, and has been from the beginning of time. Babies cry when they are hungry, uncomfortable, or in pain. It is the first form of communication humans have, and is a very powerful way of expressing feelings before verbal language is even formed. Even after language is acquired, behavior is used to express complex feelings that are difficult to communicate with words.

So it is with your child. Feelings, emotions, and complex skills aren’t yet a regular part of his vocabulary. So most often, when something hurts, feels uncomfortable, is disappointing etc., we see behavior. It’s simply a way for a child to say “I can’t handle this, and I don’t know what to do!”

For that child in the play area, he didn’t have the words to say “my finger is stuck in this toy can someone please help me?!” So, he whined, it got my attention, I saw the communication behind his behavior, and the problem was solved. We solved the problem together by making sure there was no longer a NEED for that behavior.

That is what we will do here. I will show you how to work with your child so there is no longer a need for the behavior rather than trying to stop the behavior until the child is too tired to fight it any longer.

The Meaning of Behavior

7Wendy Bertagnole

Now that we’ve established that behavior is a way to communicate a need, what is it a child needs? What is lacking?

According to most behaviorists, behavior has four functions, or happens because of four different reasons. Those are:

Attention Escape a situation/event/person Gain access to something Sensory

As we learned with Ross Greene, behavior CAN be willful, but most often there is a deeper reason behind it. He suggests this reason is because of lacking skills, for that purpose, I’ve come up with a model that combines both these theories into something that makes sense.

The top of the pyramid is the behavior. It’s what most people see, and what most parents react to. It’s the hitting, crying, whining, defiance, etc.

The trigger is the middle layer. That is the action or event that “triggered” the behavior. It could be things like a parent telling a kid no, it could be offering a child a new food, it could be any number of different things. This is often where parents feel attention, escape, and access to things would come into play. For the sake of this book, we are going to put those three things aside and only focus only on the events that trigger behaviors. Chances are, you have a mental list of triggers that set your child off. Take a moment to write those down. While these things will trigger a behavior, they aren’t the core issue that causes the behavior.

8Wendy Bertagnole

BehaviorTrigger

Sensory/ Skills

That is where the bottom layer comes in. This layer includes skills that are lacking, or sensory needs/aversions that are not met. THESE are the things that are CAUSING your child to BE reactive. If these skills and sensory needs were met, the reaction wouldn’t happen, and the behavior wouldn’t occur. So, rather than trying to constantly address the behavior, let’s spend a little time digging deeper to what is CAUSING the problem, and stop the NEED for that behavior all together. Just like digging up the roots so the weeds won’t come back.

Make sense?

By using this model parents get to the root of what causes the behavior and solve that problem along with their child. Parents who use this approach find themselves engaged in fewer power struggles, facing less defiance, and many fewer meltdowns. Not because they have mastered the right strategies to address the reactions, but because they have supported their children in a process of being less reactive. Less reactions means less behaviors and more happy times!

Sound good to you? In the next chapter we will look more at the sensory portion, uncover what that really means, and how it affects behavior.

Homework:

1. Write down a list of triggers that commonly spark behavior in your child.

9Wendy Bertagnole

Chapter 3:

Addressing Behavior

“How do I stop a tantrum?”

“What do I do when my kid freaks out?”

“How can I help my child who withdraws?”

“What do I do about my picky eater who won’t try anything?”

We’ve discussed why behavior happens, and our role in addressing it as parents. Now, let’s get into specific strategies of addressing behavior.

Because there are different layers of behavior, there are different ways to address it at different stages. Going back to our model of the behavior pyramid let’s review the layers of behavior.

The peak is the actual behavior; hitting, biting, withdrawing, throwing a fit at the dinner table, etc.

The middle is what triggers that behavior, or the event that causes your child to react. That could be telling your child no, someone bumping into your child, too much noise in a room, unpleasant smells, etc.

The foundation is the root of everything. This is what causes your child to react to the trigger. This layer consists of skills, sensory, and stress. When the foundation is regulated, triggers can happen, but likely won’t cause a behavior because your child will be able to handle it. When the foundation is off, it causes your child to be more sensitive, more emotional, more explosive, more defensive, and that is why we see behavior.

Addressing Behavior Effectively

Because not all behavior can be completely avoided by keeping the foundation regulated, we will start first with how to address behavior when it happens. Keeping in mind that our job as parents is to support our child in the process of learning skills, this process might be a bit different from what you’ve seen before. This is the process I use to get my child and I both to see past the outer and middle circle and focus on the inner circle as much as possible.

10Wendy Bertagnole

The process looks like this:

Validate/ Empathize Solve Problem Together (identify problem, state boundary, give power) Support Sensory Create a Plan

We will walk through each of these steps over the next few chapters, outlining what each step looks like, why it is important, and how to use it effectively. Here’s why.

The other day my 6 year old threw a fit in the middle of church. He couldn’t handle the fact that his marker box had two less markers than his sister’s and was having a hard time coming up with a solution to his problem without being noisy.

This is where most parenting strategies would tell a parent to put the child in timeout, punish, or reprimand the child for the emotional outburst. Doing so MIGHT teach a child to not have emotional outbursts, but does not teach the child to actually resolve the problem that caused the outburst.

In this case, let’s look at the layers of behavior. The outer layer was my son screaming and crying. The trigger was the fact that his sister’s marker box had more markers than his. What made that a trigger for him? Well his sensory system was off, and he wasn’t able to deal with the disappointment of having fewer markers. It was a combination of sensory and a skill that he lacks.

To help him learn that skill and solve his own problem we went through the steps outlined above in a room where he could cry and yell as much as he wanted. It wasn’t the yelling I was worried about fixing, I knew that would fix itself. It was helping him deal with disappointment and solve problems that I wanted to help him with.

So, in another room he yelled and I said “I see you are upset” “it’s ok to be mad.”

He yelled that he wanted to take the markers away from his sister and that if he couldn’t have all the markers, she couldn’t either.

I stated the expectation and the boundary in this situation “it isn’t respectful to take your sister’s markers away.”

I stated a lot of boundaries as he pushed the limits in various ways. If he resorted to hitting, I stated, “I see you are mad, it isn’t ok to hit, it’s ok to be mad, but it is not ok to hit.”

It took a while but he calmed down enough to work through a solution with me as I gave him the space and power to do so. He decided he would ask his sister to borrow a marker so they would both have equal amounts of markers, then when they returned home they would look for the missing markers together.

Was it perfect? No! Was there a tantrum? Yes! But was he able to solve the problem on his own in the end? YES! He did it all on his own. I was there to support him, guide him, and draw clear boundaries when needed, but he did it. That is the same process he will use for the rest of his

11Wendy Bertagnole

life whenever something upsets him, so taking the time to walk him through it while he is young is important.

Now let’s look at why each of those steps are important to address more than just the outer layer behavior.

EmpathyEmpathy is the first step for a lot of reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is something I like to refer to as “the wall.”

The wall is a defensive mechanism we all have which serves to protect ourselves. We put it up when we feel threatened, unsafe, or unsure in any way. It is part of the fight, flight or freeze response we are all born with and is perfectly natural.

The problem is for children who can’t communicate their needs, this response is triggered much more often. Kids live in an unpredictable world. They are on the defense more often because they never know when something is going to bother, threaten, or trigger them. They tend to come across as more controlling, stubborn, or defiant, but again, it is just their way of trying to control the things around them as much as possible to protect their bodies from sensory dysregulation.

What does that look like? Well, for those of you with picky eaters, the wall likely comes up at the first sight of food that isn’t part of the routine diet. For others it might just be that your child tells you “no” at the first sign of anything new or scary to them. For my son it was refusing to walk into a specific grocery store. Later we found out that grocery store had really high ceilings which made him feel unsafe. I never would have known that if I hadn’t empathized with the fear he had every time we pulled into that parking lot.

When a wall goes up, no one other than the child can take it down. The more a parent pushes against the wall, the more reinforcements a child places behind it and the quicker it comes up in the future. The wall is a protective agent, but it is also isolating. It becomes a go-to when anything feels even remotely scary or unsure. While we do need to allow space for a child to create their own boundaries, the more effective way to do that is for us to be inside that boundary with them rather than on the other side trying to tear it down.

The only way to get the wall down is to show a child that you are on their side so they feel safe. Knowing that you aren’t going to push, force, bribe, or coerce them into anything. Once you’ve truly stepped into the role of supporter for that wall to go down, and empathy is the first step towards allowing that to happen.

Empathy allows us the opportunity to validate our child’s reactions to things and dig deeper to find out WHY that is a trigger for them.

Some common empathy phrases I like to use are:

“I see you are upset” “It seems like this isn’t something your body likes” “I can see you are uncomfortable”

12Wendy Bertagnole

“It looks like you don’t like this”

Find ones that are right for you and your child and use them as your first response when a tantrum arises. I’d love to hear how that changes things.

Homework:

1. Find common walls your child puts up. Write down when those walls happen, what situations spark the wall to come up, or what environments you see them in the most. Finding common threads is telling to discover exactly what skill your child is lacking or which sensory aversion is prompting that wall to be triggered.

2. Come up with 3-4 empathy phrases that work for you and your child in a moment of stress, tantrum, or withdraw. Write them down and place them in a spot you can see them often.

13Wendy Bertagnole

Chapter 4

Solving Problems Together

In the last chapter, we learned that the outer layer behavior is best addressed by reacting with empathy. Once we respond with empathy, we step into a role of supporter which sets the stage for what we will discuss in this chapter; solving problems together.

The first sign of a problem is typically behavior. Do you remember when we stated that all behavior is a form of communication? That applies most especially to this chapter. Behavior is a powerful signal that a problem is occurring and needs to be solved.

Ineffective Problem Solving The way each and every childhood problem is solved will teach a child about how to navigate problems in the future.

Let’s look at how a tantrum is usually addressed to see an example of why it is not effective.

When a child throws a fit or enters into a meltdown, it is easy to think “what can I do to stop it.” This is where we get into the mode of trying to threaten, punish, or be bigger and louder than our kids. None of those actually get us close to the problem at hand, all of those address only the behavior, which is ineffective.

Another common thought that comes into a parent’s mind is “what can I do to make it better.” The problem is, tantrums that are “fixed or stopped” with bribes, distractions, punishments or anything else, teach a child that they are not powerful enough to solve their own problems and will always need the help of someone else.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend, the authors of the book Boundaries refer to this as “owning your child’s problems.” It is only through stating our own boundaries and setting limits that a child is able to own his/her own problem, and effectively go through the process of solving it. That process takes coaching, support, and practice. That is where parents come in.

“Mom and Dad can’t always be there to care and provide. The task of protection needs to ultimately pass on to the children. When they grow up, they need to protect themselves. Boundaries are our way of protecting and safeguarding our souls” (Cloud, Townsend, pg 173).

14Wendy Bertagnole

Effectively Solving Problems TogetherWe’ve already covered the importance of empathy which allows us the opportunity to step into our child’s world as a supporter to help him/her navigate their own problems. In this role we have to know their boundaries and respect those.

One way I to do that is to recognize and stay within my own power and not allow myself to own my child’s problem.

Byron Katie, a well known author and speaker says “there are three types of business in the world; my business, your business, and God’s business (anything in nature). The only one I have power over is my business, anything else is out of my control.”

Because of this, we need to know as parents, we cannot force our children to do anything. In doing so we step out of our own power, and solve our children’s for them. Essentially, we then rob our children of the opportunity to learn, grow, and gain experiences from the problems they face.

With that in mind, as supporters of our children, our job as parents is to provide a predictable world for them to operate within, and walk beside them as they learn how to use their own power to choose in ways that are positive and respectful.

The way to do that is by:

Identifying the problem Stating the boundary Giving power

Identifying the problemIn any situation there is a problem. The first question I want you to start asking yourself is “whose problem is this?”

Your own problems are ones that you have control over. You do not have control over another person, so anything outside of your personal control is not your problem.

Your child hits someone. Not your problem, you didn’t hit the kid.

Your living room is a disaster because your child spilled cheerios on the floor. Not your problem, you didn’t spill them.

15Wendy Bertagnole

Your kid refuses to eat what you have cooked. Not your problem, you can’t force a person to eat.

Do you see the pattern here? So many things we typically take on as our own problems truly are not in our power at all. The frustration we feel comes from trying to change our child or force them to act in a certain way. The more we force, the more walls we will see. Forcing is not the answer.

Having said that, we absolutely need to guide our children. When a problem is identified as your child’s problem, your role as a parent is to be there to support him/her through the problem. During that process there are rules to follow, laws to abide by, and values to understand. Those can and should be taught in a loving and supportive way, but the process of doing so might be different from what you are used to.

Stating BoundariesWhen a behavior happens, logic is low, emotions are high and reasoning is not going to happen. It just isn’t. So, we respond with empathy and simply state a boundary to let the child know we are there to support, and there are boundaries they are expected to operate within.

All people thrive when they know what to expect, so boundaries should be predictable and easy to remember. In our home, the boundaries we have are the values I feel are important for life. These will be different for you than they are for me, and that is ok. No matter what they are, they need to be simple, direct, and able to be applied in adulthood (not just childhood).

Some of the boundaries in our home are; “respect other’s bodies, requests, feelings, and space.” We also have boundaries around any safety issues by obeying the law and any rules that are asked of us in various places we go (in the library we whisper, at grandma’s house we don’t jump on couches, at school we don’t hug other people, etc.).

My kids know the boundaries, can repeat them, and any time I step into a situation, I bring it all back to our family boundaries to remind the kids of the expectations we have for every person in our home.

Reminding my kids of the boundaries is a simple and direct process. It isn’t a lecture, it is short, and to the point. Let’s say, for example that my child starts gets so mad he hits someone, he has crossed a line, and I intervene. As I do, I tell him the boundary while validating his emotions (because I need to understand what is going on in that inner core). I say “we respect other people’s bodies in this house, hitting is not respectful. I see you are mad, I’m taking you to my room so our bodies can calm down until we are ready to be respectful.” Boundaries are stated directly, without any blame or shame, and always in reference to the boundaries/rules you’ve set in your own home.

This serves to remind a child of where he/she crossed the line or is about to cross a line. It is a reminder, not a reprimand. Not a punishment.

16Wendy Bertagnole

For the most part, boundaries are most effectively communicated before a tantrum happens. So, when a child is sitting in the car seat and hasn’t buckled, we say “the car will leave when everyone is buckled, the law says we all have to buckle before we move” or “yes, we can have bike riding time, as soon as I see helmets on all heads, we can start. The law says we all have to wear helmets.” The key to setting any boundary is to be direct, keep it simple, and as often as possible, keep the word “you” out of it. For some reason, hearing the word “you” can feel like finger pointing and will often trigger an emotional wall. After that, you’ll have a power struggle to work though, so stay on the safe side and leave it out.

Giving PowerOnce the problem has been identified as the child’s, the boundary has been set, and the child is calming down enough to think logically, it is time to give power. Giving power is also a great way to prevent walls from coming up in the first place, so as often as possible, use this formula in situations where walls typically occur. If a child feels powerful, there is no need to put up a wall at all, which relieves so much stress for everyone.

Power is something we don’t give often enough to our children. The less we give it to them, the more they will fight until they can get it. Think of how often you ask your child to do something and the immediate response is “no” or “you can’t make me” or completely ignoring you. Those are very common pleas for power. When a child is given regular access to power in age-appropriate ways, the need to fight for it disappears.

The best way to allow that to happen is to make fewer demands and ask more questions. There are many reasons for this approach being effective, but to keep things simple we will say, when demands are made a child has two choices; submit and obey OR defy and deny. The first feels powerless. The second feels powerful. For a person seeking power, the second will always be the option. On the other hand, the child who always submits might seem like the perfect child, but in reality that child is not learning valuable skills of making decisions and taking responsibility for them. Neither of those scenarios are productive in the long run so. Because our goal is to support our children to learn how to solve their own problems, we will avoid demands and statements as much as possible.

Asking questions is important to give power, but has to be done in the right way. The guidelines I like to use when asking questions are the following:

Avoid yes/no questions (unless the child is nonverbal or has limited vocabulary). Avoid giving two options as often as possible (unless the child is nonverbal or has limited

vocabulary). After stating the expectation, ask a question that gives the child the power to determine

the process of the situation.

Before I get into those guidelines, I want to explain why this is different for children with limited verbal skills. Asking questions is a way to give power and guide children through the process of

17Wendy Bertagnole

solving their own problems. Children who don’t have the words to say what they want need a little guidance and loving questions given to them so they can feel that same power as they agree or disagree on ways to solve their own problems. A parent can ask guiding questions for a child with limited verbal skills by saying “it looks like you are upset, I noticed you are covering your ears, is a sound bothering you?” or “I see you came to your room to cry, I’m here to help you get through this if you’d like, do you need more alone time?” By stating observations and asking for validation, a parent can absolutely guide a child through this same process by giving the child the words that he/she may not have.

For all other children, asking questions is a great way to give power and train a child to solve their own problems with you as a guide.

This can look different in various sitautions. Now that you’ve stated the boundaries, it is your turn to let go of the control and allow your child to make decisions on his/her own and letting them deal with the natural consequences of it. Remember to stay within your power.

Reminders of Responsibility:These are more effective than demanding or stating a rule to a child who can either ignore or refuse your words. By asking question, the child is given power, but is still operating within their responsibilities. If a child refuses to answer the question, that is a choice as well. Consequences are something we will talk about in a later chapter. For the most part, questions work like magic.

“Where does your plate go after you finish eating?” “You can get on your ipad after dishes are done, which dishes will you be doing today?” “We are leaving for the store, what do you need to do to be ready for that?” “Our time at the park is up in 5 minutes, what would you like to do for your last activity?” “What are the rules at school about touching other people?”

Questions of Decision “I’m making a menu for the week, which 3 dinners would you like me to add to it?” “We are going to aunt Sue’s house, I know you don’t like it there, what can we bring to

help you enjoy it a little more?” “I see you are upset, what’s up?” “It seems like you are really mad, what happened?” “I saw you were playing with Joe and hit him. I can tell you are really upset. What’s going

on?” “I see you are upset about your toy that your sister has. Hitting her is not respecting her

body. What else can we do to help you and her be happy again?” “I hear you say you don’t want to go to the store, tell me about that….. The store is

where we go to get the food we need. Is there a way we can make the store more comfortable for you?”

Questions are a powerful way to place the responsibility in the hands of your child to solve his/her own problem with you by their side. By validating the child’s feelings, identifying the

18Wendy Bertagnole

problem, stating boundaries, and asking questions, you are well on your way to a happier and healthier home.

Homework:

1. Write down your boundaries at home

2. Write down common statements you find yourself saying and replace them with questions.

Chapter 5:

Supporting Sensory

What is Sensory?Sensory is simply the way the body processes the stimulation around it. We all have a sensory system, and each system processes information differently. Some bodies need more stimulation in certain areas, and can only handle a small amount of stimulation in other areas. Other bodies might seemingly avoid most all stimulation. To understand this, let me give you a quick run down of the sensory system.

Our sensory systems are made up of 7 senses. Yes, 7. We all know see, hear, taste, touch, smell. The two you may not have heard of are proprioceptive and vestibular, which happen to be two of the largest systems in the human body.

To keep it simple, we will think of the proprioceptive system as the one that tells our body where it is in space, and how much pressure to use when making any movements. Picking up a fork requires less force than picking up a heavy grocery sack. The proprioceptive system is responsible for telling our bodies how much pressure to use.

The vestibular system has to do with balance. This is the system that allows us to jump, balance on a bike, walk up stairs, and do anything that requires balancing. It does so much more than that, but for the sake of simplicity, we will keep it there.

Now picture each of these 7 systems as a cup. Each is a different size and all of them are connected to one another. Some cups are smaller, meaning the body can only tolerate a small amount of stimulation. Others are larger, meaning the body has to try harder to seek out that stimulation. When one cup has too much or too little stimulation, it can throw the other cups off as well. When the cups are out of balance, the brain signals to the body that it is in emergency mode. We like to call that “fight or flight” mode most often. This is where we see behavior happening. In reality, it is a response to the body trying to seek out or avoid certain stimulation.

Most of us have learned how to appease our sensory preferences. We likely avoid certain sounds, smells, lights, or situations because those cause us stress. That is a learned behavior in response to a sensory aversion. On the other hand, we likely seek out certain feelings,

19Wendy Bertagnole

sounds, motions, and situations subconsciously, but we do so because we’ve learned that our sensory systems need those things.

As we said before, behavior is a form of communication. Most often, behavior is the way for the body to communicate that something in the sensory system is off. Is the child seeking attention? YES! Because they don’t know how to say “my sensory system is off, I need help!” Is the child avoiding certain things? YES! Again, because their sensory system says they need to. Are they trying to gain access to things? YES! Because the sensory system tells them to. Do you see the pattern? Is it behavior? Yes. Is it rooted in sensory? YES! So let’s not worry too much about separating the two.

One last thing to note that is that a person who spends too much time trying to avoid or seek out sensory stimulation ends up living in a very unpredictable, uncomfortable, and frightening world. Without a knowledge of which sensations are going to throw their body into fight or flight mode, and without the support of an adult who understands, the child is forced to put up walls to try to protect themselves at all times. This child is the one who seems defiant around specific situations. It is the one who seems manipulative and always wants to be the one to make decisions. It is the “strong willed” child who has to be the boss all the time. This is the child who is labeled “bad,” but in reality, he is only trying to protect his sensory system.

Aggressive, sensitive, explosive, unpredictable, rowdy, defiant, or stubborn. All those are words I’ve heard other people use to describe a child whose sensory system is often unbalanced or dysregulated. Do any of those sound familiar to you?

My guess is that these sound very familiar to you, and that doesn’t surprise me. Sensory is one of the base functions of behavior. Here’s why.

When the sensory system is not regulated, the brain focuses mostly on doing everything possible to regulate it. This means communication skills are compromised, logical thinking decreases, and the body goes into a primal state of meeting its inner most needs.

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a human needs to account for the basic needs of safety before anything else (like problem solving, being kind to others, etc.) can happen.

Understanding How Sensory Dysregulation FeelsThe other day I was taking a typical drive to a sports practice after school with all my kids. The dvd player was on and the kids were quiet. I stopped at a red light and thought “wow! This is so peaceful to have so much silence right now.”

Not even one minute later I heard the loud screeching of tires really close to us.

I looked around, and went into a moment of panic as I thought my car and all my kids were going to be hit. As I scanned around to find the danger, I was able to locate it and realized it was just a teenager showing off in a parking lot next to us.

I turned back to look at the light that had then turned green, my heart was racing, and I noticed I felt irritated by the dvd which now seemed too loud. The sun was hurting my eyes, and the cars on the street were all irritating me.

20Wendy Bertagnole

My body had gone into fight or flight mode as it sensed a moment of danger for my family. Once I went into fight or flight response, my sensory cups all seemed to shrink and made all the stimulation around me feel stressful. I couldn’t handle it and had to do some intentional deep breathing to get back to a place where I could feel normal.

THAT is what a child with sensory differences can feel in various situations. When one cup overflows or doesn’t have enough stimulation, it can negatively affect all the others. It feels stressful, it feels irritating, and in those moments a person can’t be on their best behavior.

In those moments we see aggressive behavior in our kids, we see them shout horrible things, we see them lash out, withdraw, or do things that seem “unprovoked” or “without reason.” Sensory is the hidden reason behind so many behaviors. It’s time to start bringing it to light.

Sensory NeedsA child who spends too much time with a dysregulated sensory system can feel very untrusting, unsure, and unsafe in every day situations. Because of that, these kids tend to need the following things more often than most kids:

Predictability Power Sensory Regulation

Providing PredictabilityTo feel safe and comfortable in an ever changing environment of stimulation that could potentially throw a child into dysregulation, is as important as anything else a parent can do.

Knowing what to expect and how things will play out before a situation arises can do more to provide calmness and prevent tantrums than many other strategies. Adding predictability when possible is a great way to do that.

Most of the time this is as easy as talking about an event before it happens. That may involve taking a few minutes before going to the grocery store to talk about the expectations, what will and won’t be allowed, and going over any problems is a great way. It could also include an extra minute or two during bedtime routine to talk about the events of the next day. Take a few minutes to look back at your list of triggers, think about ways you can talk about those situations before they happen and see how to add a little more predictability and stability to those events.

Some key things to remember when talking about scary things:

Visual schedules or reminders can help prepare a child for frightening but necessary events (nail clipping day, dentist appointment, hair cut day, etc.)

Empathize with your child and acknowledge their feelings Ask open ended questions to dig deeper into possible problems (ex. We are going to a

birthday party tomorrow. How do you feel about that? What don’t you like about it? What can we do to help you feel more comfortable?)

21Wendy Bertagnole

Setting a specific day for routines that are particularly difficult can eliminate a lot of stress (shower day, nail clipping day, hair cut day, etc.)

Giving PowerIn a world where a child feels like he has no power over how his body will react in different environments, gaining access to even a small amount of power through choices and open ended questions helps him feel more in control.

To use an analogy by Cynthia Tobias, author of “you can’t make me but I can be persuaded.” She suggests parents should decide where to go and allow the child to decide how to get there. Essentially, parents state the boundary or the expectation and let the child decide what the process of making that happen will look like.

When a child is told what to do, he feels powerless. When a child is asked what to do, he feels in control, confident, and much less stress. Less stress means more sensory regulation and fewer tantrums.

As we talked about before, turning statements into open ended questions to allow a child to solve his own problem is a great way to hand over the power.

Instead of saying, “Don’t run into the street,” a parent can give power by asking “Is it safe for you to go into the street right now?” Instead of saying, “You need to do your homework right now,” a parent can state the boundary, then ask a question. “You are welcome to start your video game time as soon as your homework is done, when would you like to do that?” Or, when a child throws his jacket on the floor, instead of saying “pick that up right now,” a parent can give power by saying “where does your jacket go?”

Sensory RegulationThe sensory system is a large and complex beast. I have an entire 4 week course dedicated to helping parents understand and address sensory needs, but for purposes of this book, we will keep it simple and effective.

The sensory system is made up of the 7 systems we mentioned earlier:

Vision, hearing, taste, touch, smell, proprioceptive, vestibular.

Each of those is like a cup that needs to stay moderately full to operate at its best. Too much or too little stimulation can cause one system to go into dysregulation and can also cause the other senses to be dysregulated as well. Alternatively, regulating one sense can regulate the other senses.

Angie Voss, author of ASensoryLife.com, states that there are three powerhouse senses that can help regulate all other senses quicker and easier than the others. Those are: tactile, vestibular, and proprioceptive.

22Wendy Bertagnole

Integrating regular activities to address these three senses, or doing one of these activities right before a particularly difficult event can do wonders to keep the sensory system regulated.

Tactile: (do these unless there is an aversion) Vibration (use a vibrating toothbrush or a small massager on sensitive areas) Touch different textures (rice, beans, bumps, soft things, etc.)

Proprioceptive (deep pressure or stimulation to the joints)

Play clapping games Give a firm massage Deep pressure hugs Jumping on the couch Squishing between two soft objects (couch cushions, pillows, or wrap up in a blanket) Chew gum or crunchy/chewy food

Vestibular (the body in motion….do these unless there is an aversion)

Swing Spin Go for a walk Run Play Climb Ride a bike

Supporting and regulating the sensory system can keep stress at bay and in turn will greatly reduce behaviors.

Homework:1. Write down what you can do to provide more predictability into your schedule to avoid

common triggers2. Write down which sensory activities you can give your child access to more often to help

promote a more regulated sensory system

23Wendy Bertagnole

Chapter 6:

Make a Plan

Now that we have gone through all the steps to addressing behavior and you have a solid understanding of why behavior happens, we can now focus on creating a plan to AVOID most behaviors. This is where we take a turn from being reactive (constantly trying to handle all the behaviors that come up), to being more proactive in daily situations to avoid most behaviors before they happen.

Here we will go through each step and outline ways to integrate this into your daily routine and prevent behaviors more often.

Empathy/Validation-Empathy and validation are ways a parent tells a child “you are important to me” “I hear you” and “I am here for you.” We already know the ways to express empathy and validate feelings in the heat of the moment, but there are other ways to integrate it even before behaviors start.

Amy McCready, author of Positive Parenting Solutions, suggests that each child should receive at least 5 minutes of uninterrupted time and attention from each parent every day. I like to call this my “connection time.” During this time, a parent should prepare to be completely present mentally and physically. Doing this shows a child “you are important to me” “I’m here for you” and “I want to hear you,” but in a more proactive way.

Connection time should be as child-directed as possible. It is a time to listen, connect, and support your child physically and emotionally.

Personally I like to spend 2-3 minutes with each child in the morning when they wake upand in the evening before bed. During our morning connection time I hold my kids, I talk about the day ahead, and basically just listen. At night I do the same thing, I give gentle reminders of the events of the next day, ask a few open ended questions and see where the conversation goes. By building in a brief talk about the day I give my kids the opportunity to prepare their bodies and minds for what will happen that day which creates predictability and a sense of power for them.

As I hold my kids I like to also give them bear hugs or deep pressure back rubs to fill their sensory buckets as well. My kids don’t necessarily know why I do it or event that it is part of our routine, but they come to expect it.

After a particularly hard week my 10 year old said “mom can you promise to come give me a hug every night, even if I’m mad at you?” The connection time means something to him and is

24Wendy Bertagnole

important to him even at this age. While I thought his emotions trumped our regular connection time, I was wrong, he needs that time.

Ironically, I have found that I need that time as well. When I start my day holding and loving each of my kids, I focus first on them. I fill my love bucket and am better prepared for whatever may come our way.

Whatever connection time may look like for you and your family, be sure to make it part of your daily routine.

State BoundariesWe already know the process of setting boundaries and expectations in the moment. By applying the same strategy in different situations throughout the day, a child can feel more comfortable and calm which results in fewer tantrums.

You’ve all been in a situation at the grocery store when your child had a certain expectation in their mind, one that went against your expectations, and the result was a meltdown in the middle of the store. Those happen to all of us, but they don’t have to.

Setting clear boundaries and expectations before going into new or otherwise difficult environments gives a child power. While stress is low and the child is feeling safe, talking about things that might be upsetting can be very helpful. It is a way to prepare your child and his/her body for the experience before getting there.

Before walking into places like the grocery store, church, a friend’s birthday party, or any other place that might result in a tantrum, it is great to let the child know what is expected. I like to think of it as setting the stage for success. It’s our way of talking through things calmly before they are an issue and communicating/listening to each other’s expectations.

The strategy I like to use is:

Set boundary Give power Ask child to repeat boundaries/expectations

For a grocery store trip that might look like: “we are going to the grocery store to get (items), we won’t be buying toys or candy this time because we already have those at home. What kind of fruit would you like to get? (wait for reply) What are we going to buy at the store? Are we buying candy? Are we buying toys? Why not? What kind of fruit are we getting?”

Before going to gymnastics the other day, I told my kids “Mason will start class first, while he is in class what would you two like to do? (wait for response). Mason your class finishes first, then we get to wait for Kaiden’s class to end, what would you like to do while you wait? (wait for response). Just to be clear, Kaiden what are you going to do while you are waiting? Mason, what are you going to do while you are waiting?”

25Wendy Bertagnole

That last portion of having a child repeat back to you the agreement is crucial. It is the way you know your child truly has internalized the conversation. Going through this quick process before any new or typically stressful environment can help decrease tantrums more than anything else.

Give PowerWe know we all want to feel like we have control over things. Kids are no different, and having the opportunity to make decisions is an important way to learn problem solving skills for the future.

Giving children the opportunity to make decisions and deal with the consequences is something that doesn’t come easily for us as parents. We want to protect our kids. We want to teach them to stay away from harmful, hurtful things. In doing that, we often deny our kids the opportunity to truly learn for themselves.

Truly handing over power means sometimes handing over the opportunity to deal with the natural consequences associated with that power.

My kids, for instance, love wearing summer clothes. They were all born and lived most of their lives in California where 50 degrees was winter weather. Now that we live in a cooler climate, they still want the comfort of wearing their California clothes. On days I’m dressed in multiple layers, they insist on wearing a short sleeved t-shirt and shorts. Because the consequence of wearing that clothing won’t put them in real danger, I allow them to own that consequence. Sure enough, a few weeks into winter, my kids have mostly transitioned to wearing a short sleeved shirt with a light jacket over it. If I had a preference, they’d all be in long sleeves and a huge coat, but that’s not my decision to make. I allow them the power to make and deal with that choice on their own.

One way to start implementing this shift of power is to have an open and honest conversation about it. “I prefer you wear long sleeves because it is cold, I will let you make that decision on your own, but it means you get to deal with your decision during the day. I won’t bring you a jacket or pick you up early from school if you get cold. I will let you make that decision on your own.”

In essence, you are setting your boundaries, then allowing the child the power and freedom to choose. This same concept applies to so many other aspects of your day. Think of a difficult activity or event that always causes some kind of behavior. Are there ways you can give your child more opportunities to choose within those situations? Likely the resistance is coming from just wanting a little bit of power in that situation.

Involve them in difficult processes. If picky eating is something you are seeing, have your child help you make the weekly menu. Cut and paste pictures of different dishes each day of the week, have your child help you set the table. Do whatever you can do to allow your child to feel independent and powerful.

The more say they have in things, the less they will feel like they have to fight for it.

26Wendy Bertagnole

Support Sensory Sensory is a huge part of behavior, as we discussed earlier. By adding regular access to sensory activities, a child is given opportunities to keep their sensory buckets full which decreases stress, and behavior.

If your child has a particular sensory or aversion, carrying around specific items to help buffer that aversion is a great way to support their sensory system. For my family that means always having sunglasses on hand. My oldest is very sensitive to light and has a hard time being outside in the sun without sunglasses. I load up on various sunglasses at the dollar store and the problem is solved. I also have a couple chewy necklaces on hand in the car and in my purse for emergencies. I have on hand the things I know will calm them.

Integrating regular sensory activities as discussed in chapter 6 is a great way of supporting the sensory needs on a consistent basis.

Otherwise, some key things to remember when it comes to sensory is that a sensory aversion can’t be ignored or forced to go away. A sensory aversion isn’t just a preference or a choice, it is a true event happening inside the body that signals danger to the brain. Forcing a child to face that makes that danger signal stronger and creates walls around the situation and you. To avoid that, keep communication open, state observations as you see them “it looks like your body is really bothered by that noise, is that right?” and offer support.

Putting it all together

Just as Ross Greene states, kids do well when they CAN. The concepts in this book outline ways for you to support your child so they CAN do their absolute best at any given moment.

As we take small steps daily to support, encourage, and educate our children we will see a shift in their behaviors. What was once a wall of defiance, stubbornness, and refusal will turn into a conversation about what is wrong, and a cooperative process of finding a solution without the screaming, power struggles, or tears that once existed. Statements will slowly turn into more questions, and those defiant tendencies from your child will turn into more cooperative action. The changes happen gradually as you work with your child to foster the support and guidance they need.

The road isn’t perfect. There will be missteps, there will be absolute fails, but now you have the tools to know exactly why the behavior is happening, and how to address it most effectively. Enjoy the wins and learn from the losses.

All my best,

27Wendy Bertagnole

Wendy

ReferencesGreene, Ross W. The explosive child. New York: Harper & Row, 1999. Print.

Cloud, Dr Henry. Boundaries. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992. Print.

Katie, Byron. Loving What Is.

Voss, Angie. ASensoryLife.com

28Wendy Bertagnole