Jesus Gets Busted by Steven Donnini

8/9/2019 Jesus Gets Busted by Steven Donnini

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JESUS

GETSBUSTEDFrom the novel The James Brothers

By Steven Donnini

Copyright 2009

Steven Donnini



The Holy Land Amusement Park in Orlando is a

reconstruction of Holist sights in Jerusalem. It

attracts more than 500,000 visitors a year

including international travelers, dignitaries,

politicians and the faithful.

Joris Bell is the best-known Jesus impersonators at

The Holy Land Park where a company of actors

recreate the passion of Christ every 2 hours

complete with Roman guards, crosses, thieves,

Virgin Mary, whips and a lifelike resurrection.

Joris was an out of work actor and illegal alien

from the Ukraine when he auditioned for the part of

Jesus at The Holy Land.

Attorney Jimmy James helped him find the job after

he was charged for allegedly pick-pocketing at the

Orlando International Airport. Truth is Joris was

a great thief and pickpocket because he worked in a

Greek Orthodox Priest costume and people trusted

him as such wherever he traveled. His specialty

was cruise ships, airports and tourist attractions



because he could stop people, ask questions and

distract victims without being a suspicious to

security police.

However, he was a great Jesus too because he had

real scars across his back from many beatings he

got from the police back home in the Ukraine. The

only problem was that Joris couldn’t resist all the

open purses and easy picking while the Holy Land

show was on. He could easily lift $1,400 a day

from tourists and stash credit cards in his

loincloth. The Holy Land Security Guards were in

on the deal and looked the other way while Joris

performed his slight of hand. After all, 13

dollars an hour doesn’t pay the bills. So, at the

end of the day they would divide the booty and

everyone went home happy. When the vacationers

went out of the park they couldn’t believe that

anyone of the faithful would steal, after all one

of the commandments is …”Thou shall not

pickpocket.”



The park managers thought Gypsy’s or professional

thieves were in the crowd and would spot check odd-

looking people and blacks for possible suspects.

One day Joris went off the reservation and strayed

into uncharted territory. During a lunch break,

dressed as Jesus, he went to the Mall of the

Millennium across Interstate-4. The mall is an

exclusive shopping experience for people with

expensive taste in everything from jewelry to

underwear. To Joris this crowd was like being in

heaven.

He loved Gold Cards because retailers don’t look at

ID when people use them. As he worked his way

through the shoppers he awkwardly dropped a Gold

American Express Card at the entrance to Tiffany’s.

The door guard was paying attention and saw it land

on a carpet right in front of him. Joris just kept

walking. The guard picked it up and called out to

him. “Jesus, you dropped your Gold Card.” The mall

shoppers giggled as Joris walked past. The guard



chased after him and Joris picked up the pace. The

cops call it the chicken walk when criminals try to

get away quickly without running. It’s a fast

walk, not a sprint. Joris believing he’d been

caught. He stops, turns to the guard who to his

amazement hands him the AE gold card and wishes him

a good day.

Later that week, Joris relished working the deep

pockets at the Malls anchor store Bloomingdale’s.

This time dressed as a Catholic Priest he is

successful at collecting 9 cards in an afternoon.

But this time he is caught on the stores new

multiplex-camera security system. There in the

security office store employees see him on TV

monitors plain as day picking through a woman’s

purse while she watched Wolfgang Puck’s cooking

demo. Two plain-clothes security guards swarm and

tackle him in between a Cuisenart display and the

food prep table. This is not the first time he has

been in a fight with Whackenhut rent-a-cops, so he



uses his kick to the groin and poke to the eyes

maneuvers. It’s very much a 3 Stooges routine

complete with sound effects, but very effective.

However, reinforcements arrive. The Mall security

team is trained to be anti-Terrorist style cops.

The truth is they haven’t had a chance to use their

training, so this has developed into a Homeland

Security Terrorist arrest operation. They know

that terrorist steal cards and use the money as

part of their master plan. So, they pull out the

Glock’s and itch for a few headshots. For Joris

it’s too late for anymore of his fast getaway

tricks. He is charged with theft, pick pocketing

and resisting arrest. In the scuffle, he suffers a

broken nose and black eye. His attorney Jimmy

James asks his assistant Norma to bond him out.

The next day, Joris is back working the crowds at

the Holy Land Park. The black eye and broken nose

look better than any make-up. That day a group of

Televangelist from Lynchburg, Virginia, home of Pat



Robertson’s 700 Club, take the grand tour of the

Holy Land. Dolly Parton has joined them. In fact,

she is there to kick of the season for her Dixie

Stampede dinner theater across the highway. Her

new set of breasts implants, which are 2 sizes

smaller become the center of attention and a

distraction to all the men and most of the woman.

In need of cash to pay Jimmy’s legal fees, Joris is

in heaven with all these believers as he cleans out

Rev. Jerry Falwell’s considerable Gold Card

collection. Falwell comments, “Jesus, you look

great today, especially the nose.”

Norma is walking through the Holy Land Park.

“I think Joris Bell has a lot in common with the

televangelists. Jesus might have taken issue with

their methods and motives. You know, I’m not sure

it’s illegal to impersonate a televangelist.”

Documents

Jesus Gets Busted by Steven Donnini