Jokes 1 English

Warning:

These are JOKES. They are neither tasteful nor nice nor politically correct nor puritanical..... Only read them if you are an adult and like humour.So, if you are a prude, from Bern, American, a phys.ed. teacher, under 18 or work for M. do not read them!(Do you feel offended? Then you definitely are on the wrong page!)

Pregnant Woman Gets Shot A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down he street when a masked

robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets

in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and

then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks

the mother. "I went to the bathroom to pee and this bullet came out"

replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what

happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in

to the room in tears. "Mom, I went to the bathroom to pee and this

bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains

what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in

tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you went to

the bathroom to pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was

jerking off and I shot the dog."

Oben/top

3 DUCKS IN POLICE STATION Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why they're here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says

"What's your name??"

The duck replies "Quack".

The police officer then asks "And why are you here ??"

The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond."

"Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!"

The duck agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What's your name??"

The duck replies "Quack Quack".

The police officer then asks "And why are you here??"

The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond."

"Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!"

The duck agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the third duck and says "And your name must beQuack Quack Quack." And the duck replies "No, it's Bubbles."

Oben/top

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)collected by schools from all over the country. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Oben/top

Philosopher's corner 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?

12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you

know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Oben/top

> One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a> problem!"

> "What's the problem, Eve?"

> "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all

> of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm

> just not happy."

> "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

> "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

> "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

> "What's a man, Lord?"

> "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,

> cheat, and be vain and glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

> But.....he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look

> silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in

> such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and

> won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

> "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the

> catch, Lord?"

> "Well... you can have him on one condition."

> "What's that, Lord?"

> "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll

> have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little

> secret.......

> You know, woman to woman."

Oben/top

Diary of a blonde newlywed Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's

fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the

recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have

enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat

the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,

serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to

bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look

startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,

"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some

water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda

silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the

rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.

It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one

hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's.

So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there

one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked

if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put

all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right

over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong

with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked

the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He

asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens

dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a

doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real

cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve

roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it

in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven,

because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am

eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

Oben/top

The First Affair There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-ageddaughters.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine monthslater delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery tosee his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the fatherof that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern lookand asked,

"Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the deadbodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body ofMr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to becremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that youwon't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the frontdoor.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all overhim and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," shewhispered.

"Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as heentered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one fortheir bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that nightwhen they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk."Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at theSmiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barmanreplied

"Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy

T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir,"replies thebartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?

"The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doingwith your wife?

" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

Oben/top

[TOILET WALLS GRAFITI:] I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my

standards. --Houghton Library, Harvard University.

Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't

die. --Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library,

Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how

are you?" --Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust? --

The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

--The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick

and tired of putting up with her shit. --Men's Room,

Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's

House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg,

Arizona.

Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married! --

Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God

--The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

--Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,

you're going to have trouble with it. --Women's restroom,

Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

Oben/top

TOP 11 REASONS WHY HAVING EMAIL IS LIKE HAVING A PENIS: 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cutoff.

10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fus that those who have it make about it.

8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

5. Without proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

4. Constant use makes it difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

....and the number one reason why

E-mail is like a penis:

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

Oben/top

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?""Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Oben/top

A Strange Date A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,

doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Suddenly, the girl stopped the boy, "I really should have mentioned this

earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," said the

sultry young blonde.

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Oben/top

>Sex is the most practical and funny way of losing weight.>Look how many calories you can loose:

>>

>* TAKING CLOTHES OFF With her agreement..................12 cal

> Without her agreement..............187 cal

>>

>* TAKING THE BRA OFF With both hands......................8 cal

> With one hand.......................12 cal

> With one hand being slapped...........37 cal

> With the mouth......................85 cal

>>

>* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM With erection........................6 cal

> Without erection...................315 cal

>>

>* PRELIMINARIES Trying to find the clitoris......................8 cal

> Trying to find G spot...............92 cal

> Without caring at all................0 cal

>>

>* WHEN DOING IT Holding her up......................12 cal

Just in the floor....................8 cal

> POSITIONS daddy-mummy.........................12 cal

> 69 laying............................8 cal

> (she gets some calories, depending on how

much does she swallow)

69 standing up.....................112 cal

Troley.............................216 cal

Italian chandelier.................912 cal

>>

>* HAVING AN ORGASM Real...............................112 cal

False..............................315 cal

>>

>* POST ORGASM Staying in bed......................18 cal

Jump off the bed....................36 cal

Explain why did she jump off the bed...........816 cal

>>

>* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION Between 16 and 19 years old.....................12 cal

> from 20 to 29.......................36 cal

> from 30 to 39......................108 cal

> from 40 to 49......................324 cal

> from 50 to 59......................972 cal

> more than 60......................2916 cal

>>

>* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES Quietly.............................32 cal

> Being in a hurry....................98 cal

> With her husband opening the door......1218 cal

Oben/top

Subject: Dr VisitA woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got astrange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" the doctor asks.

"Well, it's easier if I show you." she said and, standing up, proceeds toundress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on herinner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried aboutthem.

'The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian,by any chance ?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man withhis head between her thighs, she replied "Well, yes, I am actually. Why doyou ask?"

"Well," the doctor says, "I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriendthat her earrings aren't real gold."

J © Heather

Oben/top

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and afte the wedding, laid down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to beon the table unless I tell you otherwise.I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride Kelly said, "No, that's fine with me.

Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night-whether you're here or not."

Oben/top

> This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted ata McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him. They thought he was completely honest AND funny!>

> NAME: Greg Bulmash

> SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

> DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But

> seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be

> picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

> DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year, plus stock options and a Michael

> Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an

> offer and we can haggle.

> EDUCATION: Yes.

> LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

> SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

> MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens

> and Post-It notes.

> REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a lousy job.

> HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

> PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

> DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a

> more sophisticated environment.

> MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be

> here?

> DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU

> FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

> DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here

> would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

> HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may

> already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

> DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job? No. On breaks? Yes.

> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the

> Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy, blonde super

> model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.

> Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

> DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE

> BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

> SIGN HERE: Aries.

Oben/top

Hello,It has been brought to my attention that in the past, that the Joke Tree has been trimmed unevenly with regards to humor that singles out the female branches, blonde ones in particular. In an effort to be more evenhanded here are some distaff rejoinders....Enjoy, Dave

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

* Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a

smart woman with a dumb guy.

* Erica Jong-

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.

We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

* Rita Rudner-

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

* Wendy Liebman-

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

* Erma Bombeck-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

* Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

* Roseanne Barr-

I think-therefore I'm single.

* Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

* Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

* Maryon Pearson-

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

* Gilda Radner-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything

done, ask a woman.

* Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

* Gloria Steinhem-

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

* Gloria Steinhem-

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that

comes home late at night.

* Marie Corelli-

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

* Baroness Edith Summerskill-

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How

intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

* Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Oben/top

Smart man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a

little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to

understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot

more willing to die.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after

that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before

marriage and after marriage.

Oben/top

The Difference between Men and Women Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks

her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy

themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while

neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to

Elaine,and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize

that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud

silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said

that.

Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm

trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or

isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of

relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd

have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we

are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just

going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading

toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for

that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . .

..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at

the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am

way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm

reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,

more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed

it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why

he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of

being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission

again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.

And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold

weather?

It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck,

and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I

feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.

That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight

to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a

perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care

about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain

because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn

warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... . .

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to

brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have.. Oh God, I feel so....." (She

breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really

know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries

to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks

might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to

become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves

a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured

soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he

opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply

involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never

heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major

was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he

would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't

think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,

and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In

painstaking detail,they will analyse everything she said and everything he

said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,

and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe

months, never reachingany definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of

his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:"Norm, did

Elaine ever own a horse?

Oben/top

An American lawyers new year > Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for

> an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,

> non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday,

> practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion

> of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the

> religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice

> not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . ...

> and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically

> uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar

> year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of

> other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great,

> (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country

> or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to

> the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual

> preference, or choice of computer platform of the wishee.

> By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting

> is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no

> alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher

> to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is

> void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the

> wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual

> application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the

> issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is

> limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole

> discretion of the wisher.

Oben/top

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.Accustomed to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen! She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat.

Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?

Oben/top

Another story about a lawyer: John was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, thejury acquitted him. Later that day, John came back to the judge who hadpresided over the hearing.

"Your honor", he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer ofmine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to havehim arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied John, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee,so he went and took the car I stole."

Oben/top

A touching story about love and marriage An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly

smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with

even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with

both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing

into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in

heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally

hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it

that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,

landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous

taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to

life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the

edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral."

Oben/top

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere whereand the following people are stranded:

- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

- 2 French men and 1 French woman

- 2 German men and 1 German woman

- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

- 2 English men and 1 English woman

- 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

- 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of

nowhere...

- one Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

- the 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in

a "menage a trois"

- the 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate

with the German woman

- the 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is

cleaning and cooking for them

- the 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the

English woman

- the Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the

woman and started swimming

- the 2 Swedish men are comtemplating the virtues of suicide while the

woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true

nature of feminism

But at least its not snowing and taxes are low

- the Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and

setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture,

cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut

whisky, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

Oben/top

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park. The witness: They were fucking your honor

The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:

The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear

Until tiny sounds came to my ear

There was this couple on the ground there

and his balls were dangling in the air

and you know his what was in her you know where

If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there

Oben/top

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this ist the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Go to your room for two hours . When you calm down,. you may play with your trains, as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat, and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Oben/top

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting fromother boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sisterand her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnnydescribed everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned offmost of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. Hemust have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse tofeel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as goodas the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them startedpanting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have beengetting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. Iknow it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pantsand stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she gotreally scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she startedcalling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit herback. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he tooka muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep itfrom biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get ascissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eelput up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and herboyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel bysquishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriendsat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead becauseit just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis andher boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courtinganyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn'tdead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eelsare like cats... They have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this timebecause I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted

Oben/top

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said,

"Wish you were here." -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven

Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. --

Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven

Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be

on the road an hour. -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking

his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell

beating up a child.

-- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the

statues that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven

Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. -- Steven

Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking

spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm

leaving.

-- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any

firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? -- Steven

Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.

They went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning.

The sky must get awfully crowded. -- Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

-- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So

I did.

Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven

Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I

couldn't see any forests. -- Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

-- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten

minutes. -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

-- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light

on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. -- Steven

Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology

experiment and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of

the experiment?

I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill. -- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? --

Steven Wright

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. -- Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a

box of three-by-fives. -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told

me it was none of my business. -- Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a

period.

Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

-- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the

prescription ran out. -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then

I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a

spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the

headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I

don't want your job."

-- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a

year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

-- Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

-- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

-- Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:]

I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

-- Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything

specifically. -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs

synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to

rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of

the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

-- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit

the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't

you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I

read." -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his

glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... --

Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just

that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven

Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet forfive minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. --

Steven Wright

Oben/top

COMPUTER VIRUSES Lewinski Virus

Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone aboutwhat it did.

Kenneth Starr Virus

Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of it.

Ronald Reagan Virus

Saves your data but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus

Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.

Titanic Virus

Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus

Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus

Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn‚t care.

Lorena Bobbit Virus

Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it

through Windows.

Viagra Virus

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Clinton Virus

Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

Oben/top

"POSTMAN PAT"It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same village. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family who all congratulated him on his retirement, thanked him for his years of service, and sent him on his way with a gift token for 100 pounds. The second house gave him a case of fine 20 year old Scotch whisky. The people in the third house gave him a wonderful fishing rod complete with all reels and tackle.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, brought him in, closed the door and gently led him upstairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making that he had ever experienced.

When he couldn't take any more, she went downstairs and prepared him a giant breakfast of sausages, eggs and bacon and a cup of freshly brewed tea. She brought the whole lot up to the bedroom and served him breakfast in bed. After he had eaten, she poured him a cup of fresh coffee. While she was pouring he noticed a 5 pound note sticking out from under the cup.

"All this was too wonderful for words", he said " but what's the fiver for?"

"Well", she said, " last night I told my husband that today was your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a fiver.' "The breakfast was my idea."

Oben/top

"Mental hospital" After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Oben/top

"Ugly Suit" When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news forhim.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"That repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?...That's great!

But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Oben/top

"Sexy Gorilla" Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.

As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless.

A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt...

"Hurt..Hurt.. You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

Oben/top

Instant Chinese Stupid Man Dum Gai

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!! No Bai Dam Ting!!

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright Yu So Dum

I got this for free Ai No Pei

I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive Hu Man Go! Pew!

Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Oben/top

Four catholic ladies were having coffeeThe first catholic woman tells her friends:

„My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him „Father"."

The second catholic woman chirps:

„My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him „Your Grace"."

The third catholic crone says:

„My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say „Your Eminence"."

Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle: „Well??"

So she says: „My son is a gorgeous 6'2 hard boddied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say: „Oh my God......!"

Oben/top

When asked if Monica Lewinsky was lying, the president responded: No, she was kneeling." -------------------------------------

Why won't Monica Lewinsky ever become a doctor?

Because she sucked as an intern.

> -----------------------------------------------------------

Kenneth Starr shows Clinton a picture of Monica Lewinsky and asks him

"Have you ever seen this woman before?" He replies "I believe I've come across her face a few times."

Oben/top

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit afortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news."There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepareyourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

> "Will I be acquitted?"

Oben/top

Why cats are better than men Cats keep their opinions to themselves

Cats don't criticize your mother

Cats never question how much you are eating

Cats never claim they know how to fix larger appliances

Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep

Cats are happy to let you drive

Cats always look good first thing in the morning

One good purr can be worth a thousand words

Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut

Cats love it when you go shopping

Cats never return the gifts you get them

Cats are able to keep romance alive....

Oben/top

Diplomacy The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way, that she looks forward to the trip.

Oben/top

Dear .....here is "A Christmas Tale" for you: Not long ago and not far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where. More stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys. So, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. But he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink. And in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: "Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Oben/top

A nun got into a cab and the driver was staring at her. she asked him why was he staring at her and he said: "Iwas to ask you a question, but I don t want to offend you.She said: " You can't offend me, as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun ... I have heard just about everything.

The cab driver said "well i've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.

She said: "Well here's the criteria

1. you have to be single.

2. you have to be catholic.

The cab driver said: "Oh I'm single and I'm catholic!!!!!! She said:"Ok puI' in to the alley", and he did.

So she did her thing and they were on the street again and the cab driver started crying and she said: "My child what's the matter ?

He said: "Sister, I have sinned, I lied, I lied ... I'm married and i'm jewish !!!!

She said: "That's okay. my name is Gary and I'm on my way to a costume party."

Oben/top

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says: „I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams down another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says: „That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut' em up, and snort' em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams down another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The fist two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask: „ Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies: „ I'm going home to fuck the cat!"

Oben/top

A French man is calmly having his petit dejeuner when a typicalAmerican man, eating chewing gum, sits beside him. The French ignores the American who, not happy with it, starts a

conversation.

American: do you eat the whole bread?

French(in a bad mood): of course.

American: we don't. we only eat what is inside and the outside we put

together in a container, recycle it, transform it in croissants and

sell it to france.

The French listens in silence.

The American insists: do you eat the jam with the bread?

French: of course

American: we don't. we eat fresh fruits for our breakfast, put all

peel, seed and rests in containers, recycle them, transform them in

jam and sell the jam to France.

The French then asks: and what do you do with condoms once you used

them in your fucks?

American: we throw them away, off course.

French: we don't. we put them in a container, recycle them, transform

them in chewing gum an sell to America!

Oben/top

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German and it is all organized by the Italians.

Oben/top

T E X A S Joke One day the wind stopped blowing and all the chickens fell over.

Oben/top

Plane talk When flying, have you noticed that they call the place you land the Terminal?

How is it that they call some flights non-stop?

How is it they can find a tiny black box when the plane crashed, yet they can't find your luggage on a normal flight?

If the little black box is never destroyed when the plane crashes, why don't they make all planes from the materials of the little black box?

Oben/top

Clinton and the Pope have died and climb to the door of Heaven. Clinton is rather fit and thus quicker. Half-way up the Pope is very tired, while Clinton already comes down again and shamefacedly confesses that they have chucked him out. The Pope is sad but nevertheless says he is very much looking forward to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton frowns and says: "I am so sorry, but you are half an hour late, my dear."Oben/top

When asked to explain the difference between an ordinary citizen and a lawyer, a well-known barrister explained, „ If an ordinary citizen gave you an orange, he would say, „I give you this orange." But if a lawyer gave you an orange, he would say," I hereby give, grant and convey to you all my interest, right, title, and claim of and in this orange, together with all its rind, skin, juice, pulp and pips, and all right and advantage therein with full power to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat or consume the said orange, or give away or dispose of to any third party the said orange, with or without its rind, skin, juice, pulp and pips, subject to any amendment susequently introduced or drawn up to this agreement.Oben/top

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark...Stick: A boomerang that doesn't workTry to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.

Standards are wonderful. So many to choose from.A waist is a terrible thing to mind...

It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

Pregnant Woman Gets Shot A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down he street when a masked

robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets

in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and

then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks

the mother. "I went to the bathroom to pee and this bullet came out"

replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what

happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in

to the room in tears. "Mom, I went to the bathroom to pee and this

bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains

what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in

tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you went to

the bathroom to pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was

jerking off and I shot the dog."

Oben/top

3 DUCKS IN POLICE STATION Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why they're here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says

"What's your name??"

The duck replies "Quack".

The police officer then asks "And why are you here ??"

The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond."

"Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!"

The duck agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What's your name??"

The duck replies "Quack Quack".

The police officer then asks "And why are you here??"

The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond."

"Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!"

The duck agrees to pay the fine.

The police officer goes up to the third duck and says "And your name must beQuack Quack Quack." And the duck replies "No, it's Bubbles."

Oben/top

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)collected by schools from all over the country. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Oben/top

Philosopher's corner 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?

12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you

know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Oben/top

> One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a> problem!"

> "What's the problem, Eve?"

> "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all

> of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm

> just not happy."

> "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

> "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

> "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

> "What's a man, Lord?"

> "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,

> cheat, and be vain and glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

> But.....he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look

> silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in

> such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and

> won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

> "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the

> catch, Lord?"

> "Well... you can have him on one condition."

> "What's that, Lord?"

> "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll

> have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little

> secret.......

> You know, woman to woman."

Oben/top

Diary of a blonde newlywed Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's

fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the

recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have

enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat

the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,

serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to

bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look

startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,

"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some

water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda

silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the

rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.

It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one

hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's.

So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there

one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked

if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put

all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right

over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong

with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked

the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He

asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens

dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a

doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real

cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve

roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it

in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven,

because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am

eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

Oben/top

The First Affair There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-ageddaughters.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine monthslater delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery tosee his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the fatherof that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern lookand asked,

"Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the deadbodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body ofMr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to becremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that youwon't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the frontdoor.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all overhim and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," shewhispered.

"Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as heentered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one fortheir bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that nightwhen they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk."Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at theSmiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barmanreplied

"Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy

T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir,"replies thebartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?

"The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doingwith your wife?

" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

Oben/top

[TOILET WALLS GRAFITI:] I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my

standards. --Houghton Library, Harvard University.

Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't

die. --Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library,

Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how

are you?" --Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust? --

The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

--The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick

and tired of putting up with her shit. --Men's Room,

Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's

House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg,

Arizona.

Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married! --

Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God

--The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

--Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,

you're going to have trouble with it. --Women's restroom,

Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

Oben/top

TOP 11 REASONS WHY HAVING EMAIL IS LIKE HAVING A PENIS: 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cutoff.

10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fus that those who have it make about it.

8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

5. Without proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

4. Constant use makes it difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

....and the number one reason why

E-mail is like a penis:

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

Oben/top

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?""Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Oben/top

A Strange Date A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,

doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Suddenly, the girl stopped the boy, "I really should have mentioned this

earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," said the

sultry young blonde.

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Oben/top

>Sex is the most practical and funny way of losing weight.>Look how many calories you can loose:

>>

>* TAKING CLOTHES OFF With her agreement..................12 cal

> Without her agreement..............187 cal

>>

>* TAKING THE BRA OFF With both hands......................8 cal

> With one hand.......................12 cal

> With one hand being slapped...........37 cal

> With the mouth......................85 cal

>>

>* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM With erection........................6 ca