JQ Master Revised LOCKED

8/10/2019 JQ Master Revised LOCKED

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JourneyQuestSEASON 1

Short Revised Script

Episodes 1-5&

UnderQuestEpisodes 2 & 3

byMatt Vancil

March 10, 2010


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JourneyQuest Episode 1: ONWARD!

EXT. WILDERNESS CAMPSITE -- DAY1 1

PERF, a wizard in stained yellow robes, sprawls face-down on

the cold, hard ground. He SNORTS awake, jerks upright.

Perf looks over the dead campfire at his companions: CARROW,a robed priest, and NARA, an elfmaid with green head-wrap anda distinctive double crescent moon tattoo on her jaw.

Perf points at the empty bedroll between Nara and Carrow.

PERFIs he gone?

CARROWBad idea.

Perf grabs his spell book, scrambles up, and sprints madlyoff into the distance. Carrow watches him go.

CARROWCome on. Lets go save our wizard.

Nara doesnt look up from her collection of maps.

EXT. WILDERNESS MONTAGE -- DAY2 2

Perf sprints cross-country, a yellow speck in the wilderness.

EXT. THE CLIFFS -- BOTTOM OF THE CLIFFS -- DAY3 3

Perf WHEEZES to a stop near some cliffs, hands on his knees.

GLORION (O.S.)I! Am! HONOR!

GLORION -- a handsome, lantern-jawed warrior -- tackles andstraddles Perf. He unleashes a heartfelt, menacing LAUGH.

GLORIONWhy, Superfluous! You wouldnt beattempting to abandon our quest,now, would you?

PERFNo! I was scouting! Bush-blazingand trail-whacking and the like --


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GLORIONSeems to me youre in need of alittle more encouragement!

PERF

Sod, not encouragement. Mercy!

GLORIONOh, Perf! Im far too brave togrant you mercy!

Glorion punches him. Perf YELPS, tries ineffectively todefend himself. Glorion bellows a LAUGH, keeps punching.

GLORIONDont resist! Theres a good lad!Let the encouragement sink in!

Punch, punch, punch. WHIMPER, YELP, WHINE.

Carrow and Nara arrive at a walk.

CARROWAll right. Thats enough. Heslearned his lesson. Yet again.

Glorion bellows his LAUGH, swings off Perf. He draws hissword in a dramatic sword-drawing move and points off.

GLORIONONWARD!

He yells this pretty much in Naras pointed ears, jolting her.

Perf hauls himself to his feet next to Nara, whos rubbingher ears. He plays off the pain hes in.

PERFNara. Hey. How are you? Glorionand I were just discussing queststrategy. Tactics and such.

NARA

Youre bleeding.PERF

Or so it would seem!

He waves magic fingers at her. She looks past him atsomething in the distance.

Perf wipes his bloody nose on a bloodstained bit of sleeve.

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PERFSo Ive been working on a newspell. Its pretty advanced. Highlevel magic, Black Robe stuff.Well, Blue at least. Youd like

it. Its a --

She SHUSHES him, points off -- and up.

ANGLE ON: The ruins of an enormous temple complex perch atopthe cliffs, stretching as far as the eye can see.

NARAThere it is. We found it.

CARROWThe Temple of All Dooms.

PERF(deflating)

Yay.

GLORIONAnd somewhere inside ... my sword!

He repeats his dramatic sword-draw.

GLORIONONWARD!

Again, right in Naras nears. She claps her hands over them.

NARAAlways with the shouting.

EXT. TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS -- THE CLIFFS -- DAY4 4

The temple wall rises hundreds of feet above the forest floor.

Carrow, holy symbol in hand, touches Perfs face and casts aspell. Perfs bloody nose heals.

PERFRight, bad idea.(beat)

So ... The Temple of All Dooms?Really? All of them?

CARROWWell, not likely. But the Templeof Some Dooms doesnt have quitethe same punch.

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GLORIONWho cares what its called? Whatmatters is whats inside!

PERF

Yes. Dooms. Specifically, ours.

Nara slips silently between the trees to rejoin the group.

NARAIts solid stone all the wayaround. Theres no way in.

GLORIONBLAST! I did not come hundreds ofmiles and slay thousands of Orcsjust to be thwarted here!

CARROWYes, about that. Im not entirelysure you had to kill all those Orcs.

GLORIONI ... dont follow.

CARROWYouve killed every single Orc tocross our path. And several nowherenear that path. Im not entirelyconvinced that was necessary.

GLORIONYou lost me.

CARROWYou killed every last Orc in thatvillage.

PERFAnd that retirement village.

GLORIONI was too brave to spare the

elderly!CARROW

The women, the children --

GLORIONKilling equals honor!

In the distance, a pair of green-skinned ORCS -- RILK the4A 4AWise and WHARRGARBL the Incensed -- watches from the woods.

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WHARRGARBLZomur aka. Klergul Ork-shaggak!

(SUBTITLE)There he is. The bastardOrcslayer!

His keen eyes on the party, Rilk slaps Wharrgarbl.

RILKSlart. Heklart gadzruluz.

(SUBTITLE)Quiet. Get the others.

WHARRGARBLDuzsart gadzruluz! Pumartnubudz muluz ka! Muluz shedzviska!

(SUBTITLE)Sod the others! Lets justkill them! Gut them good!

RILKNohart drud heszudz. Quesztkeka-regax ul aka.

(SUBTITLE)Keep your blood down. Thatshow we get slaughtered.

Rilk paints a rune on a tree. Wharrgarbl brandishes ahorrid, many-tongued blade.

WHARRGARBLMatha-gax muluz pekka! Nodkelled fokkad aka!

(SUBTITLE)We can take them! My rape-knife is ready!

RILKMedj, net nod tuo aka.

(SUBTITLE)Yeah, well, mines back atcamp.

WHARRGARBLDjag kazkudz. Petkart

nedzudz.

(SUBTITLE)I have plenty. Take your

pick.

Wharrgarbl whips out four more rape-knives.

RILKQuesztkas ash-muras?

(SUBTITLE)How many of those did youbring?

WHARRGARBLGadz kathag. Zwek?

(SUBTITLE)I dont know. Twelve?

WREN (O.S.)

SOD!Nara whirls towards the scream. The Orcs flatten themselves.4 4Nara bounds towards the sound, completely missing the Orcs.

EXT. RIDDLE PILLAR -- THE WOODS -- DAY5 5

Nara steps through the trees and stops when she spies a heavystone pillar covered with dark, ominous runes.

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NARAI think you should see this.

Moments later, the party has assembled before the pillar.They fail to notice Rilk and Wharrgarbl slinking away.

PERFIts a riddle pillar.

GLORIONAnd what in valors name is that?

PERFA pillar. With a riddle on it.Hence the term a riddle pillar.

Perf takes a charcoal rubbing of the runes. He lifts theparchment up to the light, reading it backwards.

NARAWhy do you do that?

PERFFind and defeat the guardian toenter the Temple of All Dooms:

(clears throat)Always running, stays in place.Has a mouth but not a face.Has no lungs, and yet can roar.Passageway without a door.

A woman SCREAMS off in the woods. Alarmed, Nara bounds offto investigate. Glorion strokes his chin, unconcerned.

GLORIONHm. A most perplexing riddle. Imguessing its some kind of dragon --

PERFIts a river.

CARROWIts a river.

GLORIONA river.

PERFYes.

CARROWYes.

GLORIONNot a dragon.

PERFNo.

CARROWNo.

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PERF(to Carrow)

Probably means the entrance ishidden, hard to get to.

CARROWBehind a waterfall, maybe? At thebottom of a current?

Nara returns, shaking her head regarding the scream.

GLORIONThe guardian is the river. It willtake all my bravery to defeat it!

PERFYes, lets interpret that literally.You have to kill the river.

GLORIONBut how? Oh! I could stab it inthe mouth! If only there were someway to hold it in place ... DAMN!

PERFHave you taken many blows to thehead?

GLORIONHundreds!

Glorion repeats his heroic sword-drawing move. Perf clapshis hands over Naras ears.

GLORIONONWARD!

Glorion charges off through the undergrowth.

PERFAnd ... thats my cue. Cheers.

Perf tromps off in the opposite direction.

NARAAnd hes leaving again.

PERFNows the time. The river shouldkeep him busy for a few hours.

CARROWBut what about the Sword?

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PERFDont care.

CARROWWhat about the quest, then?

PERFSod the quest.

CARROWDont you at least want to see himkill the river?

NARAYou cant just walk away. Nobodyjust gets to walk away!

Perf recedes to a yellow spot in the distance. Nara

appraises the distance to Perf, checks the wind.

NARAI could shoot him.

CARROWLet him walk it off.

NARAJust wing him, you know. Nopermanent damage. Well, some.Nothing you couldnt heal.

CARROWHell come back. He always does.

NARAYou seem rather sure about that.

Carrow smiles at her, a playful I know something you dont.

NARAWhat?

CARROW

You dont see it? How he looks -- ?Nara suddenly SHUSHES him, points to a pattern painted on atree -- the rune Rilk sketched.

NARAOrcsign.

Nara nocks an arrow. Carrow nods, rushes after the wizard.

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EXT. FORESTS EDGE -- THE WOODS -- DAY6 6

Perf slows to a stop. He kicks the ground.

PERFDamn it.

He turns around -- and Carrow is there, startling him.

CARROWQuiet. Orcsign.

PERFOrcs? Where?

A half dozen ORCS, led by Rilk, burst out of hiding and firea hail of arrows. The arrows slam into Carrow, killing him.

PERFOh, wait, I see them.

BLACKOUT.

JourneyQuest Episode 2: A Rather Unfortunate Turn of Events

EXT. FORESTS EDGE -- THE WOODS -- DAY7 7

Nara tackles Perf down behind a fallen log, giving themcover. The Orcs fire more arrows overhead.

NARACarrow!

PERFI think hes dead.

NARACan you help him?

PERFProbably not. Im not a very good

wizard.Rilk calls out from behind a tree:

RILK (O.S.)Evart nobo Ork-shaggudz!

(SUBTITLE)Give us the Orcslayer!

Nara looks to Perf for a translation.

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PERFI think theyre looking forGlorion.

WHARRGARBL

Lektarit quaz Ork-shaggudzaa!

(SUBTITLE)

Tell us where the Orcslayerbe!

PERFSubdjas quaz Ork-shaggakaka.

(SUBTITLE)Where the Orcslayer is, youmean.

WHARRGARBLOrk-shaggudz aa dobnakshug, whado!

(SUBTITLE)Orcslayer be is fine, pale-skin!

PERFGor, Ork-shaggak aka aka.

Djad gazad prukar aabasimenudz petkak.

(SUBTITLE)No, its Orcslayer is. Any

form of to be takes thenominative.

RILKKubak aka, kathas. Lorrachid oknid aka.

(SUBTITLE)Hes right, you know. Thatsjust basic grammar.

PERFNul kellimenudz unkest neppakgrae naerznae krinaearruzelkae quig --

(SUBTITLE)You only use the infinitivein the rare formal vocativecase when --

WHARRGARBLSlart! Yesh, lektarit quazOrk-shaggak AKA!

(SUBTITLE)

Shut up! Fine, tell us wherethe Orcslayer IS!

PERFKak quagarudz.

(SUBTITLE)Hes killing the river.

The Orcs blink at each other.

RILKQuet?

(SUBTITLE)What?

WHARRGARBL

Engak nobo. Hedj, humae!Vart dru-kel duzsha!

(SUBTITLE)

Hes rutting with us. Hey,humie! You can go $#%^@&*!yourself!

PERFLor aka zezdul parrugelkit!

(SUBTITLE)Thats anatomicallyimpossible!

The Orcs fire more arrows, pinning Perf and Nara down.

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NARAGo get Carrow.

PERFMe? Go out there?

NARAIll cover you.

PERFYou are severely overestimating mycourage.

NARAGO!

Nara fires at the Orcs, dropping one. Perf scrambles out --

PERFIm gonna die! Im gonna die!

-- and drags Carrows corpse behind the log.

NARAHow is he?

PERFStill dead!

NARADo something! Something magic!

Heal him!

PERFHeal! Yes! That is a spell!

Perf flips his spell book to a page titled Breath of Life.Cryptic runes fill the page. Perf starts casting.

POV PERF: The runes begin to dance in front of Perfs eyes.

PERFNo, no, not now.

The runes dance and spin as Perf finishes his spell.

Carrows body swells and putrefies, going rotten. Carrowsskin turns gray and blackish. Loose bits of flesh hang fromhis exposed face and hands. Perf wrinkles his nose.

NARADid it work?

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Nara looks over at Carrow and nearly vomits.

PERFNot as such, no.

Nara grabs Perf and drags him deeper into --

EXT. THE WOODS -- DAY8 8

NARAWhat did you do to him?

PERFSorry! Magics not really my forte!

NARAYoure a wizard! How can it not be

your forte?!

PERFWell, Im not a very good -- AAAA!

The ground gives way beneath them.

INT. SWORD CHAMBER -- TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS9 9

Perf and Nara slam into the floor of a featureless stonechamber. A column of light shines down through the hole.

Nara bounces to her feet, nimble as a cat. She frowns at herbroken bow -- which snapped in the fall -- and casts it away.

Perf GROANS, sits up painfully. They speak in WHISPERS:

NARADont tell me youre hurt.

PERFI landed on my keys.

NARA

What did you do to him?PERF

I dont know.

NARAYou were supposed to heal him, notrot him like a fish in the sun!

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PERFI botched the spell, all right?

NARAYou said you could heal him!

PERFI cant read-cast under duress! Therunes all start dancing around --

Orcish SHOUTS from above. Nara and Perf back into theshadows. The Orcs dont notice the pit and move along.

PERFAnd he was dead anyway. Itwouldnt have done anything. Oh,gods. Oh, Carrow. Nara, Im so --

NARADont talk to me.

PERFSorry.

NARADont say anything. Dont doanything. Please, just sit thereand do not contribute while I findus a way out of here.

Nara searches the walls in the darkened part of the room.

Perf sits, drops his head into his hands.

EXT. THE RIVER -- DAY10 10

Glorion, soaked, plops heavily onto a stone on the riverbank.

GLORIONWell played, river.

HARP MUSIC and tinkling LAUGHTER. Glorion looks upstream.

Floating above the water is the RIVER SPIRIT, blue-skinnedand beautiful in a shimmering dress. She strums a tiny harp,LAUGHS melodiously, and walks across the water to Glorion.

RIVER SPIRITGreetings, warrior. And welcome tothe mystical healing waters of --

Glorion stabs her. She teeters, stares at him incredulously.

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RIVER SPIRITI cant believe you stabbed me!

GLORIONBravely stabbed you!

He kicks her dead body into the river.

Across the water, a door shimmers into existence.

Glorion adjusts his hair, heads towards the door.


Through his fingers, Perf spots something in a dark recess ofthe room.

Against a far wall, a small altar crouches in the shadows.Upon it, a pair of STONE HANDS hold a jeweled sword upright.

Perf cautiously, curiously approaches the sword.

PERFNara? Is that what I think it is?

Exasperated, Nara turns around. The moment she sees thesword, her eyes widen in wonder.

NARAGoddess. Could it be?

PERFArkahn Luohr.

NARAIt does exist!

PERFThe Sword of Fighting! Which meanswe just skipped the entire temple.We just skipped all the dooms!

The SWORD glimmers in its stone-handed sheath.PERF

So this is supposed to overthrowthe Wicked Kings, huh?

He reaches towards the pommel.

NARAWell, dont touch it!

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Perf jerks his hand away. His sleeve catches on the Swordscrossguard -- the Stone Hands open -- and the Sword pops out.

The sword lands in Perfs arms. He catches it awkwardly,holds it before his face in bewilderment.

PERFOh, thats not good.

NARAWhat? What did you do?

A giant, disembodied PHANTOM HEAD appears.

PHANTOM HEADFates have aligned. What was

augured has come to pass. Hail

Chosen One.

Nara and Perf gape at each other in mutual horror.

NARAOh, my Gods!

PERFOh, my Gods!

SWORDOh, my Gods, your hands are soft!Do you moisturize? Is thatlavender I smell? Seriously, I

feel like Im getting a hiltjob.

Perf regards the Sword with horrified wariness.

PERFThis strikes me as a ratherunfortunate turn of events.

SWORDYou and me both, man-candy.

PHANTOM HEAD

So ... how do I turn this off?

BLACKOUT.

JourneyQuest Episode 3: Deadly, Ancient Magics


Perf gapes in horror at the talking Sword in his hand.

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The Stone Hands shake a scabbard at Perf -- a you want totake this gesture.

PERFThis is a very bad dream.

NARAHow can you be the Chosen One?!Im supposed to be the Chosen One!

PERFYeah! I mean -- what?

PHANTOM HEADSeriously how do I turn this off?

NARAIt is not supposed to happen this

way!

SWORDTell me about it. Figured Id bedrawn by something with testicles,not a runty twinkler in a pus-coloredrobe. Why does he smell like crying?

PHANTOM HEADWhat red crystal? I dont see a

red -- oh that red crystal.

The Phantom Head disappears.

Nara takes the scabbard from the Stone Hands.

NARABut the omens! The portents!

PERFWhat are you talking about?

NARAThis is supposed to be my destiny!

PERFThen take it! I dont want it!

He shoves the Sword into Naras hands and backs away. Thenhe discovers hes still holding it. He SCREAMS.

Perf gives the Sword to Nara again. Again, when he backsaway, hes still holding it. He SCREAMS again, higher.

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SWORDWow, that just keeps gettinghigher, doesnt it? Come on,ribbons, lets go get you killed.

With a will of its own, the Sword jerks Perfs arm straightand pulls him, WAILING, towards the wall at a run.


Perf explodes out of the side of the cliff in a shower ofgravel and dust, the Sword held out before him.

SWORDHell, yeah! Gods, Ive missedviolence!

Perf and Nara COUGH and wipe dust from their faces ... onlyto stare at the half-dozen ORCS sitting around a cook pot.The Orcs have apparently set up a temp camp here.

PERFOh, come on!

The Orcs look to their weapons, lying within easy reach.

PERFWhat do I do? What do I do?

NARA

You have the Sword! Threaten them!

Perf brandishes the Sword, puts himself in front of Nara.

PERFRudarit gadzudz! Ul akavaksul arkanul!

(SUBTITLE)Dont try anything! This isa magic sword!

SWORDWow, you sound like a woman in twolanguages.

NARATell them youll magic them!

PERFBrun atva-gas, ar-kragarkaruz ozaruz ek tadaruzixit drobo!

(SUBTITLE)Make a move, Ill unleash mydeadly, ancient magics uponyou!

Sword out, Perf puts himself before Nara. They back awaytowards the edge of the camp. Rilk frowns suspiciously.

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NARAWatch that one. Hes smarter thanthe others.

Rilk reaches for his sword.

PERFAtvart gadz! Korniag dru!

(SUBTITLE)Dont do it! Im warningyou!

Rilk draws the blade.

NARADrop him! Drop him now!

PERFAsh-muras udz dor-kel!

(SUBTITLE)You brought this on yourself!

Perf casts a spell. A bolt of magic milk splatters Rilk inthe face. Rilk blinks, licks his lips, swallows.

RILKGegad aka? Lek?

(SUBTITLE)Really? Milk?

SWORDThe hell was that?

Perf, his bluff called, lowers the Sword.

PERFFransza-gax shugadzkit.

(SUBTITLE)We surrender unconditionally.

EXT. ORC CAMP -- THE WOODS -- DAY14 14

Perf and Nara are tied to a tree in the Orcs base camp.

NARAMilk?! You threw milk at him?!

PERFIm sorry! Its one of only threespells I have memorized!

NARABut milk?! How is that even aspell?!

PERFConjure Milk. And its actuallymore versatile than it sounds. Myother two, Mend and Vague, are notas useful.

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NARAMend? What is that, for healing?

PERFMend is a sewing spell.

NARAWell, what does Vague do?

PERFIts ... kind of hard to nail down.Its not what it really, you know,does, effects-wise, so much as, tosay ... I really dont know.

NARAYoure the worst wizard in theworld!

PERFNo ones disputing that!

Fuming, Nara looks intently not at Perf. Perf softens.

PERFI am working on a new spell,though. It wouldnt help us inthis exact situation, no, but --

NARAPlease, please stop talking to me.

PERFI was hoping youd get to see it.

Across the camp, Rilk presents the sheathed Sword to theirleader, a lascivious Orc SHAMAN.

RILKAsh-natha-gax Ork-shaggudzgadz. Ash-kagax draz djulaz.Lek-arkanadul ash-nansak udz.

(SUBTITLE)No sign of the Orcslayer. Wekilled their healer. Thelactomancer was carryingthis.

SHAMANGegadz, ar-seduag laz piggro.

(SUBTITLE)Yeah, I could spread that ona cracker.

The Shamans looking straight at Nara. He hasnt heard aword Rilk said.

RILKGibbag dru gadz kamiak.

(SUBTITLE)I dont think shes into you.

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SHAMANAr-kamiak nudz quig ar-thorbag no --

(SUBTITLE)Ill be into her. By which Imean Im going to thrust my --

RILK

Vansag, vansag! Quet toba o?

(SUBTITLE)

I got it, I got it! Whatabout this?

SHAMANPetkart odz bat radzo.

(SUBTITLE)Bag it for the Chief.

The Shaman struts over to Nara, traces a finger along thedouble crescent moon tattoo on her cheek.

SHAMANHey, beautiful. Ever wanted to rutwith an Orc? Your answer doesntreally matter.

NARARot, you stink. Im guessing youwipe with that hand.

PERFHey! Dont you touch her!

SHAMANQuiet, milkmaid. Adults aretalking.

NARA

I can handle this, Perf.

PERFYou want her, youve got to gothrough me!

The Shaman draws his rape-knife.

PERFMetaphorically. I meant thatmetaphorically.

The Shaman cuts Perf loose. Then he calls out to the Orcs:SHAMAN

Zsezsa-gax!(SUBTITLE)

We duel!

Raucous, bloodthirsty CHEERS from the Orcs. They circlearound Perf and the Shaman.

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NARASomehow, some way, you always makethings worse. What are you intonow?

PERFLooks like a wizards duel.(off her look)

Were gonna throw spells at eachother until one of us dies.

They share a look. Theyre not going to survive this.

PERFIm sorry, Nara.

NARAIts not your fault.

The Shaman BELLOWS a battle cry. He thrusts out a hand, palm-up, towards the sky. Fire ignites above his palm. Hethrusts out his other hand, palm-up. Fire ignites above it.

The Shaman raises his hands above his head. The fires mergetogether. The Shaman spins a vortex of fire above his head.

Perf looks for a way out. There is none.

Across the camp, the Sword calls out to Perf:

SWORD

Bye bye, he-squealer! Try not toget your fail-blood on me.


Carrows arrow-riddled corpse lies beside the pillar. Hiseyes snap open.

BLACKOUT.

JourneyQuest Episode 4: Not A Zombie

INT. FIRE KEY ROOM -- TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS16 16

Glorion, sword in hand, treads into a square stone room.

In the center of the room stands a stone basin at chestheight. In the bowl of the basin is a large, ornate key.

The menacing voice of THE WATCHER booms from nowhere:

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WATCHER (V.O.)Welcome to the temple of your doom.Welcome to the Temple of All Dooms.

The door Glorion stepped through vanishes into smooth wall.

WATCHER (V.O.)The only way lies forward -- beyondthat door.

Glorion espies a door on the opposite side of the room.

Glorion reaches for the key. Black flames shoot up aroundit. He snatches his hand away. The Watcher LAUGHS.

WATCHER (V.O.)There burns a hellfire no water candouse. Will you unlock the door

before the flames consume all theair in the room? You shall never --

Glorion hefts the birdbath-pillar and rams the door with it,knocking the door off its hinges.

WATCHER (V.O.)I ... didnt know you could dothat.

Glorion drops the pillar -- which still has the burning keyin it -- and dusts his hands. He strides through the door.

WATCHER (V.O.)Fine! Go ahead! Youll die in thenext room! Just you wait! Ass!


The Shaman LAUGHS, spins his fire tornado above his head.

Perf looks around frantically. He spots a sizable rock onthe ground. He snatches up the rock and chucks it at theShaman. It hits him in the head with a painful WHUNK.

SHAMANSon of a -- !

The Shaman falls backwards over a low rise. The fire tornadofalls on him -- and he explodes. Guts and blood rain down.

Everyone gapes. Except for Perf.

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PERFThat counts! That still counts!

(picks up rock)I am so keeping this rock.

RILKAr-mixa-gax nudz bat o. (SUBTITLE)Theyre gonna blame me forthis.

WHARRGARBLDuzsart ludz. Kekarit muluz!

(SUBTITLE)Rut that. Kill them!

The Orcs fire a hail of arrows.

Perf throws himself behind a tree and flips his spell bookopen to a spell called Gust of Wind. He starts casting.

An ORC lowers a spear and charges Perf with a HOWL.

PERFS POV: The runes in the spell book dance around.

Perf finishes. His clothes explode off his body, leaving himnaked but for his hat, loincloth, and the embarrassing tattooon his belly: Meat Henge, with an arrow pointing down.

The HOWLING Orc slows to a stop, distracted by the tattoo.Perf KOs him with his spell book.

NARACut me loose, you idiot!

PERFWith what?! Its not like Imholding the -- !

Perf realizes hes holding the Sword.

PERFOh.

SWORDI hate everything.

Two Orcs attack Perf. The Sword yanks Perf around like apuppet, twisting him around their swords and killing the Orcs.

SWORDBlech! Orc!

Rilk hefts raises a spear, takes aim at Perf. A soft boottaps him on the shoulder. He turns --

-- and Nara kicks him in the face. Rilk wilts.

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Perf slices through the ropes holding Nara to the tree. Shedips down and picks up a the Shamans rape-knife.

An Orc sees that the tide has turned and flees. Nara throwsthe rape-knife after him, killing him off screen.

NARANow! Quickly!

A COCKING SOUND. Perf and Nara turn to find the last Orcstanding -- Wharrgarbl -- aiming a crossbow at them.

Perf and Nara cringe. Then they blanche in horror.

Carrow, gray and rotting, shambles up behind Wharrgarbl. TheOrc senses something amiss, turns --

-- and Carrow bites a chunk out of his neck. Wharrgarbl

collapses. Carrow hunkers over the dead Orc and feeds.

NARA... Carrow?

She flushes with anger and punches Perf in the heart.

PERFOW! Why?!

NARAYou did this! You and your flawed,retarded magic! You turned our

cleric into a zombie!

CARROWNo, not a zombie.

Perf and Nara SCREAM in abject terror and cling to each other.

Carrow straightens, the Orcs partially consumed arm in hand.

CARROWSee, there are your two basic typesof undead: there are your corporeals,

the zombies and ghouls and the like,which are bodies without souls; andthen there are your incorporeals:ghosts and spirits, souls withoutbodies. You get the gist.

(takes bite from arm)

24.

(MORE)


26/45

What youve managed to do -- whichis something thats eluded everynecromancer and death priest inhistory, I might ad -- is create atheoretically impossible form ofundead: an intelligent corporeal,

a soul -- with memories intact --trapped inside a rotting corpse.So thank you, thanks for that.

Perf and Nara just cling to each other.

Carrow takes one last bite out of the arm. Then he looks atit, wrinkles his face, and tosses it away.

CARROWBlech. Orc.

Carrow finally notices Perfs half-nakedess.

CARROWReally? Meat Henge?

Perf, embarrassed, crosses his arms over the tattoo.

EXT. THE RIVER -- DAY18 18

Nara surveys the river from a rock in its center.

NARAI dont see him.

Perf is in his hat and loincloth, his torn robe in hand.

PERFKeep looking! He has to be heresomewhere. Glorion!

NARAMaybe he sussed out your ploy andleft.

PERF

This is Glorion! He spent a wholeday trying to shoot down a rainbow.

Carrow slouches apathetically beside Perf, looking atnothing. Perf searches for a conversation starter.

PERF... does it hurt?

25.

CARROW (cont'd)


27/45

CARROWBeing undead? It kind of itches.Honestly, I dont feel much ofanything. Oh, except for theburning resentment.

PERFSorry.

CARROWBeing killed by arrows. That hurt.Thats also your fault.

PERFIm really sorry.

CARROWDrown in a sewer.

NARA (O.S.)You should see this.

Nara stares down at something disconcerting in the shallows.Perf peers over her shoulder at the body of the River Spirit.

PERFA dead Naiad. A water spirit.

NARAHow did this happen?

They look at each other and, to their dismay, figure it out.

PERFGods and heroes. He actually didit. He actually killed the river.

NARAWe should never have left himunattended!

PERFMaybe hes back at camp.

NARACould you please put some clotheson?

PERFRight, sorry.

Perf casts a spell. His torn robes knit back together.

26.


28/45


Carrow, Nara, and a fully-clothed Perf head back to camp.The Sword MUMBLES and GRUMBLES in Perfs hand.

CARROWSo Perf is the Chosen One. Perf.Did not see that coming.

PERFI didnt exactly volunteer.

CARROW(RE: himself)

Or this, for that matter.

NARA

Its a mistake. It has to be.

PERFIn agreement. Lets figure out away to get rid of this thing beforeanyone notices its gone.

ASSASSIN (O.S.)Hello, there.

They stop abruptly. Seated in the center of camp theASSASSIN, svelte and compact her tight, form-fitting blackleather. A black mask obscures every bit of her face except

for her amused eyes. She holds up a few sets of chains.

ASSASSINNow, if youll just put these on,well get started.

The heroes stare blankly at the new player.

CARROWOr that.

BLACKOUT.

JourneyQuest Episode 5: Duplicitous Bastards

INT. GARGOYLE ROOM -- TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS20 20

Glorion pads into another stone room, where identical stoneGARGOYLES -- an HONEST GARGOYLE and a lying gargoyle wellcome to know as RODERICK -- squat before identical doors.

27.


29/45

WATCHER (V.O.)One forever speaks the truth,The other always lies.Make your choice, and quickly, now,Or everybody dies.

The Gargoyles animate and crack demonic, twisted grins.

RODERICKHeed me! I speak the truth. Mineis the correct path!

HONEST GARGOYLEHe lies! His path will take you toyour death! Your death and eternaldoom!

RODERICK

Of course youd say that, you lyingliar. Dont be fooled by his lies!

HONEST GARGOYLENo, he lies! The true path liesbeyond my door!

Bored, Glorion decapitates the Honest Gargoyle. Its headbounces across the floor. Roderick freaks out.

RODERICKSod me, you didnt rotting killthat guy!

GLORIONIm in a bit of a rush, so if youcould just --

RODERICKI mean, gods! You didnt just walkin and chop his sodding head off!

Glorion points to the doors.

GLORION

Which door is the right one?RODERICK

Mine!

GLORIONIf youre lying to me, Ill killyou. Understand?

28.


30/45

RODERICKNo!

GLORIONIf youre lying to me, Ill kill

you! Understand?!

RODERICKNo!

GLORIONDo you want to die? Is that it?

RODERICK(weeping)

Yes! Yeh-heh-hesssss!

Glorion shrugs, grabs Roderick by the scruff of the neck.

RODERICKYes! YES! I want to die!

Glorion kicks open Honests door and throws Roderick through.He lands with a THUD off screen. Silence. After a beat:

GLORIONOdd. Youre still alive.

RODERICK (O.S.)No, Im not.

GLORIONWhich means this is the safe path!

Glorion bellows a LAUGH, strides through the door.

After another beat:

WATCHER (V.O.)Holy rotting sod.


The Assassin sits in the companions camp, completelyunconcerned. Perf eyes Nara and Carrow before speaking.

PERFHi. So. Who the hell are -- ?

The Assassin kicks him in the face, somehow from her seatedposition well out of kicking range.

29.


31/45

PERFOW!

ASSASSINDont talk when Im talking.

PERFBut you werent --

She somehow kicks him in the face again.

PERFOW!

SWORDI like her! She can stay.

CARROW

As much as I enjoy watching you kickhim in the face -- and feel free tokeep doing that, by the way -- Ithink an explanation is in order.

ASSASSINFair enough.

She lashes out with a chain. It wraps around Carrows neck.With a quick tug, Carrow flies towards the Assassin andimpales himself on her sword. Carrow GROANS, falls still.

ASSASSIN

I am your captor.

Nara draws her sword. The Assassin flings out a dart thatstrikes Nara in the neck. Nara freezes, startled, and sags.

PERFNara?

ASSASSINTalking again.

Perf shuts up. He meekly raises his hand.

ASSASSINYes?

PERFMay I speak?

ASSASSINYes.

30.


32/45

PERFWhen you say captor, what -- ?

She kicks him in the face.

PERFOW! But you just said -- !

ASSASSINYes, I lied.

Carrow sits up with a GROAN. The Assassin grabs his neck andbreaks it with a twist-CRACK. He sags to the ground.

Nara, drugged, smiles languidly and sinks onto the ground.

NARAYou know what? I really like cats.

ASSASSINThe moment Kicky-Face drewthe Sword, it triggered abounty on your heads largerthan any kings. A bounty Iintend to collect.

NARAIm not kidding. So cuddly,with the sandpaper tongues.Cannot take an arrow, though.Pay attention, Perf, this isimportant.

PERFI dont understand.

NARAAnd honeysuckle.

ASSASSINWhoever draws the Sword is fated tolead a revolution that will topplethe line of Wicked Kings.

PERFThats why the Kings hired us! Tofind and destroy the Sword!

ASSASSINAnd did you?

Worry creeps onto Perfs face.

ASSASSINExactly.

She kicks Perf in the face. He collapses. The Sword CHEERS.

31.


33/45

ASSASSINOn the off-chance one of you lotshould turn out to be the ChosenOne, they hired me. And a half-dozen or so other bounty hunters.

PERFThose duplicitous bastards.

ASSASSINYoure surprised? Wicked Kings.Its in the name.

The dart still in her neck, Nara lies down, stretches out.

NARAWicked Kings, kicked wings. Thispyramid is full of nougat.

ASSASSINHm. May have overdone it on thepoison.

Carrow sits up with a GROAN. The Assassin slits his throat.Carrow falls back down, WHEEZING.

ASSASSINAt the moment, youre worth morealive than dead. If that changes,I kill you. In the meantime,youre my prisoners.

Carrow GROANS, sits up. The Assassin regards him.

ASSASSINI still think I can get full pricefor you.

She kicks him into the campfire. He ignites with a WHOOSH.

NARAYou took my future, Perf. Its okay.I wasnt using it. This ground is

loud!Carrow, blackened, crawls out of the fire.

CARROWWould somebody please kill her?!

The Assassin kicks Perf, then whips out a stake and stabs itthrough Carrows chest, pinning him to the ground.

32.


34/45

CARROWAlso not a vampire.

Perf draws the Sword, assumes a fighting stance.

SWORDThis should be interesting.

The Assassin performs a complex kata, showcasing herphenomenal balance and agility. She strikes a battle stance.

ASSASSINYour move, Chosen One.

Perf exhales deeply. Then he turns and flees.

EXT. WILDERNESS -- DAY22 22

Perf sprints wildly across the countryside.

SWORDYou are seriously embarrassing me.

Still running, Perf SCREAMS at the Sword in his hand:

PERFThis is all your fault! I was donewith this sodding quest before youcame along!

SWORDIs lady-bits all worked up?

PERFI was going home!

He chucks the Sword away. It pinwheels through the air,LAUGHING. Perf YELPS when he discovers it back in his hand.

SWORDScream like a girl!

Perf SCREAMS like a girl. He hurls the Sword away ... andthen discovers it in his other hand.

SWORDIm your everywhere!

PERFSod off!

He hurls it away. Then its in his hand again.

33.


35/45

SWORDEVERYWHERE!

PERFWhy wont you leave me alone?!

SWORDOnly one way for that to happen.Mind the drop.

Perf looks ahead -- hes charging towards the edge of --

EXT. THE CLIFFS -- TOP OF THE CLIFF -- DAY23 23

Perf skids to a stop at the edge and teeters, windmilling.

SWORD

Yes! Fall! Fall, you limp-wristedsack of estrogen! FALL!

Flailing in panic on the edge, Perf regains his balance.

SWORDNO! So close! So! Close! Donttease me like that, sod-sponge!

Perf glares at the Sword. Then he chucks it off the cliff.

SWORDRUUUUUUT YOOOoooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!

Perf watches the Sword pinwheel out of sight (and sound)below. He checks his hands. No Sword.

PERFYeah! Thats right! Pick onsomeone else, you stupid ... sword!

Behind him, the Assassin CLEARS HER THROAT. Perf turnsaround. She kicks him in the face.

BLACKOUT.

OMIT24-60 24-60

UnderQuest Episode 2: Bardic Immunity


CAPTION: A year after a year ago ...

34.


36/45

Wren leans against a tree, angrily writes in her journal.

WRENParty still has not found the Templeof All Dooms, where the mythical

Sword of Fighting isnt. Have beenfollowing party for a year, and theyhave yet to do anything even remotelyheroic. The big one only seemsinterested in killing Orcs. I thinkhes going for some sort of record.This may very well be the leastheroic party ever chronicled. Onemight even begin to assume that theheadmistress -- who is an evil, lyingshrew and likes to rut genies --knew this and sent me out onsomething that is not an epic at all.

Additionally: Sod rot shag tits!

We see over her shoulder. Shes not writing notes, butdrawing a stick dragon breathing fire on stick figure heroes.

GLORION (O.S.)I! Am! HONOR!

She hears Glorion tackle Perf and start punching him.

WRENTheyre up early.


Wren, taking notes, hides behind the riddle pillar andwatches the heroes bicker. She spots the ORCS watching them.

WRENInteresting.

Wren watches Rilk scrawl his rune on the tree.

Curious, Wren flips through her notes to a page marked

orcsigns. Runes fill the page. She locates Rilks rune.Its caption reads: Kill and/or rape everything.

WRENSOD!

Wren slaps her hands over her mouth and ducks behind theriddle pillar. Nara bounds her way.

35.


37/45

NARA (O.S.)I think you should see this.

Moments later, the group stands assembled before the pillar.Wren crouches miserably behind it, out of sight.

PERF (O.S.)Its a riddle pillar.

GLORION (O.S.)And what in valors name is that?!

PERF (O.S.)A pillar. With a riddle on it.Hence the term a riddle pillar.

Perf kneels before the pillar, makes his charcoal rubbing.

NARA (O.S.)Why do you do that?

PERF (O.S.)Find and defeat the guardian toenter the Temple of All Dooms.

Perf launches into the riddle. With the group distracted,Wren silently sneaks away into the surrounding woods.


Out of sight, Wren SIGHS in relief. Then the Assassin setsher swords tip to Wrens ribs and WHISPERS:

ASSASSINWhy are you following me?

WREN(also whispered)

Following? Im not? Ive neverseen you before, and Ive beenfollowing them for -- !

ASSASSINThis bounty is mine. Who hiredyou? Who are you working for?

WRENUm ... history?

Swift as a snake, the Assassin twists Wren so she lands onher knees before her. The Assassin raises her sword.

36.


38/45

Wren grabs her bard badge from around her neck, holds it up.

WRENBard! Im a bard! Bardicimmunity!

The Assassin hesitates. She abruptly sheathes her sword.

WRENYes. Good choice. Its bad luckto kill a bard.

ASSASSINAnd too much paperwork. Also dontwant glitter all over my sword.

The Assassin ignores Wren and watches the party intently.Wren whips out her journal and quill pen.

WRENIm chronicling the epic.

ASSASSINStay out of my way.

WRENHave you been following them long?You mentioned a bounty. Who postedit? Sorry, I havent had anyone totalk to in months because it might --

(finger quotes)

-- contaminate the saga. Butsince you havent entered theirstory yet, its okay if we chat!

ASSASSINStop talking or you die.

WRENYou got it.

(beat)Just so you know, it is okay if wetalk. Since you havent become a

player in the story yet. If youhad, then I wouldnt be allowed totalk to you at all because of thewhole Grand Tenet thing -- which istotal bullpoop, if you ask me --but since you havent, then itscompletely acceptable! Could Ihave an interview for the epic?

37.


39/45


40/45

WRENShe hit me! I cant believe shehit me! Oh! I am so making herfat!

Wren takes in her surroundings. She doesnt see the party.

WRENHope I didnt miss anything.

Undead Carrow shambles past, GROANING, arrows sticking out ofhis chest. Wren gawks after him.

In the distance: The sound of an EXPLOSION.

PERF (O.S.)That counts! That still counts!Im so keeping this rock.

Sounds of COMBAT erupt in the distance.

Wren peers off that way, but is on the wrong side of thepillar. She struggles to slide herself in that direction.

A fleeing ORC rushes by. A WHISTLING sound. The Orc SCREAMSand drops dead, a thrown rape-knife in his back.

The Orc didnt fall far. Wren shimmies down, reaches for theknife with both feet. She grips it between her boots.


Rape-knife in hand, Wren steps into the post-battle Orcscamp. Dead Orcs lie scattered like fallen leaves.

She takes out her journal, starts scribbling.

Rilk blinks himself awake. He spots two other Orc survivors:GRELLNOCK (bald) and YART (bearded). They all point at Wren.Rilk BELLOWS. The three Orcs hobble-charge Wren.

Wren drops her journal and scrambles to hold up her badge.

WRENBardic immunity! Bard!

The Orcs keep coming, weapons raised. Wren panics.

WRENAAA! Whats the word? Uh ...

39.


41/45

WRENSkul! Skalid! Kelled!

(remembering)Skald!

(SUBTITLE)Potato! Artery! Rape-knife!

(beat)Bard!

WRENIm a skald!

Rilk throws out a hand, stopping the other two. The OrcsCHATTER angrily to each other in their language.

RILKKarit paz gadz. Skald aka.

GRELLNOCKEk? Chugadz?!

RILK

Djak skaldudz gadkudz Matha-gaxpaz ka!

Wren pulls a yellow potion labeled Tongues from hersatchel. Yellow mist escapes when she uncorks it.

YARTMeknul chegak kagga nodluz borluzdemia!

RILKChegga-gax gadzkudz karina! Od --

Wren quaffs the potion.

RILK-- also protects our bards, keepsthe humies and pucks from killingthem!

WRENHi, hello!

The Orcs whirl, surprised and suspicious.

WRENI am a bard, yes. And I amresearching an epic.

The other two Orcs perk up. They straighten their hair andarmor, sheathe their weapons, and introduce themselves.

GRELLNOCKGrellnock Skullsplitter. Two Ls.

40.


42/45

YARTYart Flays-Children. Just like itsounds.

Wren writes down their names.

WRENCan you tell me what happened here?

YARTWill this go in the epic?

WRENIt might, yeah.

Yart and Grellnock exchange excited looks.

GRELLNOCK

It started with the wizards duel.

WRENWizards duel? Good stuff. Howdthat happen?

GRELLNOCKThe elfmaid was all over ourshaman. Making eyes at him,sending him the signals, you know?

YARTYet stoutly did he resist her

whorish advances.

Rilk raises an eyebrow.

RILKWhat?

GRELLNOCKAnd the wizard got all incensed andchallenged him right there!

YART

To the death!, did he bellow!Yet does his voice echo in my ears.

WRENPerf did that? The Yellow Robe?

YARTHis clans honor in question, ourshaman accepted the challenge!

41.

(MORE)


43/45

The sky darkened with the might oftheir arcane skill!

RILKNo, it didnt.

GRELLNOCKBut Kurn -- thats our shaman -- hecast him to the ground with avolley of lightning! And the elfwas all like, Take me now, yougreen-skinned love-stallion! Onlywith sexier wording. You canchange that however.

Wrens scribbling slows to a stop.

YARTAnd then, shamed by defeat, the

wizard bellowed Die! In mywrathful flames of ... wrath!

GRELLNOCKYes! And then he summoned an vastarmy of ... er -- !

YART-- uh ... murder ... elementals.

GRELLNOCKMurder Elementals! And on and onthey came in waves of unending -- !

YARTMurderiness!

GRELLNOCKBut we slew them! All of them,with our ... fists! They disappearwhen they die, by the way. Thatswhy there arent any around here.

WRENIts bad luck to lie to a bard.

They looks ready to feign outrage. Then they eye one anotherwarily and look at the ground. Rilk points off.

RILKYour party went that way. Towardsthe river, near as I can tell.

WRENWhat actually happened?

42.

YART (cont'd)


44/45

RILKWe got trounced. And theres noshame in that, because the wizardused a magic sword.

The other Orcs nod.

GRELLNOCKI think he got it in the Temple ofSelect Dooms.

Wren blinks. Pales. This just got serious.

WRENMagic sword? What did it looklike? Like ... this?

She shuffles through some assorted notes, pulls out a sketch,

shows it to Rilk. He stares at her, not amused.

Wren checks the sketch. Its her stick-dragon and stick-people doodle.

Wren mutters an apology, whips out a sketch of the Sword.

WRENHow about that?

RILKThats the one.

WRENGods. This just became a realepic!

RILKCongratulations. Were moving out.

WRENI didnt get your name.

RILKI didnt give it.

He limps off. The other two hang back.

GRELLNOCKMiss bard?

WRENYes?

43.


45/45

GRELLNOCKIn the epic, could I have hair?

Wren smiles.

WRENSure thing.

YARTAnd I have always yearned to be afemale.

Wren and Grellnock just stare at him.

YARTDont judge me.

BLACKOUT.

44.

Documents

JQ Master Revised LOCKED