June Free Chapter - The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels

7/31/2019 June Free Chapter - The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels

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opyr g u z an arry c es . rg s reserve . o par o s pu ca on may e repro uce , s ore

in a retrieval system, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,

recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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The

Tools5 LIFE-CHANGING TECHNIQUES

TO UNLOCK YOUR POTENTIAL

FIND CoURAGe, INsPIRATIoN,

sUCCess AND hAPPINess

PHIL STUTz& BARRY MICHELS

pyr g t tutz an arry c e s 2 2. r g ts reserve . o part o t s pu cat on may e repro uce , stoin a retrieval system, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,

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1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

This edition published in 2012 by Vermilion, an imprint o Ebury Publishing,

a Random House Group company, in arrangement with Spiegel & Grau,

a division o Random House, Inc.

Copyright Phil Stutz and Barry Michels 2012Illustrations copyright Phil Stutz 2012

The Reversal o Desire (page 40), Active Love (page 81), Inner Authority (page 116) and

The Tools techniques text boxes copyright Phil Stutz 2012

Phil Stutz and Barry Michels have asserted their right to be identifed as the authors o this Work

in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

All rights reserved. No part o this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system

or transmitted in any orm or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or

otherwise, without the prior permission o the copyright owner

Also published simultaneously in Canada by Random House Canada, Toronto

The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009

Addresses or companies within the Random House Group can be ound at

www.randomhouse.co.uk

The Random House Group Limited supports The Forest Stewardship Council (FSC), the leading

international orest certifcation organisation. Our books carrying the FSC label are printed

on FSC certifed paper. FSC is the only orest certifcation scheme endorsed by the leading

environmental organisations, including Greenpeace. Our paper procurement policy can

be ound at www.domos.o./vomt

Printed and bound by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY

ISBN (hardback) 9780091947736

ISBN (trade paperback) 9780091940065

Book design by Donna Sinisgalli

To buy books by your avourite authors and register or oers visit www.domos.o.

This is a work o nonfction. Some names and identiying details have been changed


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To L Qvs, wo v lt m gv p.

PhiL STuTz

To m sst Db, sptl wo

o t gst od, wo tgt m to lv

wt g, og, d lov.

Barry MicheLS


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Swt t ss o dvst,

W l t tod, gl d vomos,

Ws t pos wl s d.

WiLLiaM ShakeSPeare,

As you like it

T tgs w t, stt.

BenjaMin frankLin


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C H A P T E R 1

Rtn Nw W

Roberta was a new psychotherapy patient

who made me eel completely ineective within teen

minutes o meeting her. She had come to me with a very

specic goal: she wanted to stop obsessing about the idea

that her boyriend was cheating on her. I go through his

messages, grill him with questions; sometimes I even drive

by his place to spy on him. I never nd anything but I cantstop mysel. I thought her problem was easily explained

by the act that her ather had abruptly deserted the amily

when she was a child. Even now, in her mid-twenties, she

was still terried o abandonment. But beore we could

delve into that issue more deeply, she looked me in the eye

and demanded, Tell me how I can stop obsessing. Dont

waste my time and money on whyIm insecureI already

know.

I Roberta came to see me today, Id be thrilled that she

knew exactly what she wanted, and Id know exactly how

to help her. But my meeting with her took place twenty-ve


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4 | T h e T o o l s

years ago when I was a new psychotherapist. I elt the di-

rectness o her request shoot through me like an arrow. I

had no response.

I didnt blame mysel. I had just spent two years

devouring every current theory o psychotherapeutic

practice. But the more inormation I digested, the more un-

satised I became. The theories elt removed rom the ac-

tual experience someone would have when he or she was in

trouble and needed help. I elt in my gut that I hadnt been

taught a way to respond directly to what a patient likeRoberta was asking or.

I wondered, maybe I cant pick up this ability rom

a book; maybe it can be learned only in ace-to-ace consul-

tation with someone whod been in the trenches. I had

developed close ties to two o my supervisorsnot only

did they know me well, but they had many decades o clin-ical experience. Surely, they must have developed some way

to meet these requests.

I described Robertas demand to them. Their response

conrmed my worst ears. They had no solution. Worse,

what seemed to me like a reasonable request, they saw as

part o her problem. They used a lot o clinical terms: Ro-

berta was impulsive, resistant, and craved immediate

gratication. I I tried to meet her immediate needs, they

warned me, she would actually become more demanding.

Unanimously, they advised me to guide her back to her

childhoodthere we would nd what caused the obsession

in the rst place. I told them she already knew why she was


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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 5

obsessed. Their answer was that her athers abandonment

couldnt be the realreason. You have to go even deeperinto

her childhood. I was ed up with this runaround: Id heard it

beoreevery time a patient made a direct request, the ther-

apist would turn it back on the patient and tell him or her to

go deeper. It was a shell game they used to hide the truth:

when it came to immediate help, these therapists had very

little to give to their patients. Not only was I disappointed, I

had the sinking eeling that my supervisors were speaking

or the entire psychotherapeutic proessioncertainly Idnever heard anyone say anything else. I didnt know where

to turn.

Then I got lucky. A riend told me hed met a psychiatrist

who didnt accept the system any more than I did. This guy

actually answers your questionsand I guarantee youve

never heard these answers beore. He was giving a series oseminars, and I decided to go to the next one. That was

where I met Dr. Phil Stutz, the coauthor o this book.

That seminar changed my practiceand my lie.

Everything about the way Phil thought seemed com-

pletely new. More important, in my gut it elt like the truth.

He was the rst psychotherapist Id met whose ocus was

on the solution, not the problem. He was absolutely con-

dent that human beings possessed untapped orces that

allowed them to solve their own problems. In act, his view

o problems was the opposite o what Id been taught. He

didnt see them as handicapping the patient; he saw them as

opportunities to enter this world o untapped potential.


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6 | T h e T o o l s

I was skeptical at rst. Id heard about turning problems

into opportunities beore, but no one had ever explained ex-

actly how to do this. Phil made it clear and concrete. You had

to tap into hidden resources by means o certain powerul

but simple techniques that anyone could use.

He called these techniques tools.

I walked out o that seminar so excited, I elt like I

could fy. It wasnt just that there were actual tools that

could help people; it was something about Phils attitude.

He was laying himsel, his theories, and his tools out in the

open. He didnt demand that we accept what he was telling

us; the only thing he insisted on was that we actually use

his tools and come to our own conclusions about what they

could do. He almost dared us to prove him wrong. He

struck me as very brave or madpossibly both. But in any

case, the eect on me was catalyzing, like bursting out intothe resh air ater the suocating dogma o my more tradi-

tional colleagues. I saw even more clearly how much they

hid behind an impenetrable wall o convoluted ideas, none

o which they elt the need to test or experience or them-

selves.

I had learned only one tool at the seminar, but as soon

as I let, I practiced it religiously. I couldnt wait to give it

to Roberta. I was sure it would help her more than delving

deeper into her past. In our next session, I said, Heres

something you can do the moment you start to obsess, and

I gave her the tool (Ill present it later). To my amazement,


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10/26


she seized on it and started using it immediately.

More amazingly, it helped. My colleagues had been wrong.

Giving Roberta something that provided immediate help

didnt make her more demanding and immature; it inspired

her to become an active, enthusiastic participant in her own

therapy.

Id gone rom eeling useless to having a very positive

impact on someone in a very short time. I ound mysel hun-

gering or moremore inormation, more tools; a deeper

understanding o how they worked. Was this just a grab bag

o dierent techniques, or was it what I suspecteda whole

new way o looking at human beings?

In an eort to get answers, I began to corner Phil at the

end o each seminar and squeeze as much inormation as I

could out o him. He was always cooperativehe seemed

to like answering questionsbut each answer led to an-other question. I elt Id hit the mother lode o inormation,

and I wanted to take home as much o it as possible. I was

insatiable.

Which brought up another issue. What I was learning

rom Phil was so powerul that I wanted it to be the core o

my work with patients. But there was no training program

to apply to, no academic hurdles to jump over. That was

stu I was good at, but he seemed to have no interest in it,

which made me eel insecure. How could I qualiy to be

trained? Would he even think o me as a candidate? Was I

turning him o with my questions?


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11/26

8 | T h e T o o l s

Not too long ater I began giving the seminars, this intense young

guy named Barry Michels began to show up. With some hesita-

tion, he identied himsel as a therapist, although, given the

detailed way he questioned me, he sounded more like a lawyer.

Whatever he was, he was really smart.

But thats not why I answered his questions. Ive never been

impressed by intellect or credentials. What caught my attention

was how enthusiastic he was; how hed go home and use the

tools himsel. I didnt know i I was imagining it, but I elt as

though hed been looking or something or a long time and had

nally ound it.

Then he asked me a question Id never been asked beore.

I was wondering Who taught you this stu the tools

and everything? My training program didnt touch on anythingremotely like it.

No one taught me.

You mean you came up with this yoursel?

I hesitated. Yeah well, not exactly.

I didnt know i I should tell him how I really got the inorma-

tion. But he seemed open-minded, so I decided to give it a try. It

was a somewhat unusual story, that began with the very rst

patients I treated, and one in particular.

Tony was a young surgical resident at the hospital where I

was a resident in psychiatry. Unlike a lot o the other surgeons,

he wasnt arrogant, in act when I rst saw him, cowering near

the door o my oce, he looked like a trapped rat. When I asked


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12/26


him what was wrong, he answered, Im araid o a test I have to

take. He was shaking like the test was in ten minutes; but it

wasnt scheduled or another six months. All tests scared

himand this one was a big one. It was his board-certication

exam in surgery.

I interpreted his history the way Id been trained to. His

ather had made a ortune in dry cleaning but was a college

dropout with deep eelings o ineriority. On the surace, he

wanted his son to become a amous surgeon to gain a vicarious

sense o success. But underneath, he was so insecure that he

was threatened by the idea o his son surpassing him. Tony was

unconsciously terried to succeed or this reason: his ather

would see him as a rival and retaliate. Failing his exams was his

way o keeping himsel sae. At least that was what Id been

trained to believe.

When I gave this interpretation to Tony, he was skeptical.That sounds like something out o a textbook. My ather has

never pushed me to do anything or his sake. I cant blame my

problem on him. Still, it seemed to help at rst; he looked and

elt better. But as the day o the test drew closer, his anxiety re-

turned. He wanted to postpone the exam. I assured him this was

just his unconscious ear o his ather. All he had to do was keep

talking about it, and it would go away again. This was the tradi-

tional, time-tested approach to his problem. I was so condent

that I guaranteed hed pass his test.

I was wrong. He ailed miserably.

We had one last session ater that. He still looked like a

trapped rat, but this time an angry trapped rat. His words echoed




13/26

10 | T h e T o o l s

in my ears. You didnt give me a real way to conquer ear. Talk-

ing about my ather every time was like ghting a gorilla with a

water pistol. You ailed me.

My experience with Tony opened my eyes. I realized how

helpless patients could eel acing a problem by themselves.

What they needed were solutions that would give them the

power to ght back. Theories and explanations couldnt give

that kind o power; they needed forces they could eel.

I had a series o other, less spectacular ailures. In each case,

a patient was in some state o suering: depression, panic, ob-

sessional rage, etc. They pleaded with me or a way to make

their pain go away. I had no idea how to help them.

I was experienced at dealing with ailure. I was addicted to

basketball growing up and played with kids bigger and better

than I was. (Actually, almost everybody was bigger than I was.) I

I perormed badly at basketball, I just practiced more. This wasdierent. Once I lost aith in the way Id been taught to do ther-

apy, there was nothing to practice. It was as though someone

took the ball away.

My supervisors were sincere and dedicated, but they

attributed my doubts to inexperience. They told me most young

therapists doubt themselves, but as time passes, they learn that

therapy can only do so much. By accepting its limitations, they

dont eel as bad about themselves.

But those limitations were unacceptable to me.

I wouldnt be satised until I could oer patients what they

asked or: a way to help themselves now. I decided I would nd

a way to do this no matter where it took me. Looking back, I


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14/26


realize that this was the next step on a path that had started

when I was a child.

When I was nine, my three-year-old brother died o a rare

cancer. My parents, who had limited emotional resources, never

recovered. A cloud o doom hung over them. This tragedy

changed my role in the amily. Their hope or the uture became

ocused on meas i I had a special power to make the doom

go away. Each evening my ather would come home rom work,

sit in his rocking chair, and worry.

He didnt do it quietly.

Id sit on the foor next to his chair, and hed warn me that his

business might go bankrupt any day (he called it going busted).

Hed ask me stu like Could you make do with only one pair o

pants? Or What i we all had to live in one room? None o his

ears were realistic; they were as close as he could come to ad-

mitting his terror that death would visit us again. Over the nextew years, I realized my job was to reassure him. In eect, I be-

came my athers shrink.

I was twelve years old.

Not that I thought about it that way. I didnt think at all. I was

moved by an instinctive ear that i I didnt accept this role, doom

would overwhelm us. As unrealistic as that ear was, it elt abso-

lutely real at the time. Being under that kind o pressure as a kid

gave me strength when I grew up and got real patients. Unlike

many o my peers, I wasnt intimidated by their demands. Id

been in that role or almost twenty years.

But just because I was willing to address my patients pain

didnt mean I knew how. One thing I was sure o: I was on my




15/26


own. There were no books I could read, no experts I could cor-

respond with, no training programs I could apply to. All I had to

go on was my instincts. I didnt know it yet, but they were about

to lead me to a whole new source o inormation.

My instincts led me into the present. Thats where my pa-

tients suering was. Taking them back to their past was just a

distraction; I didnt want any more Tonys. The past has memo-

ries, emotions, and insights, all o which have value. But I was

looking or something powerul enough to bring relie right now.

To nd it, I had to stay in the present.

I had only one rule: every time a patient asked or relie

rom hurt eelings, sel-consciousness, demoralization, or any-

thing elseI had to address it then and there. I had to come up

with something on the spot. Working without a net, I got in the

habit o saying out loud whatever occurred to me that might

help the patient. It was kind o like Freuds ree association inreversedone by the doctor instead o the patient. Im not sure

he would have approved.

I got to the point where I could talk without knowing what I

was going to say next. It began to eel as though some other

orce was speaking through me. Little by little, the tools in this

book (and the philosophy behind them) made themselves

known. The only standard they had to meet was that they

worked.

Since I never considered my search complete until I had a

specic tool to oer a patient, its crucial to understand exactly

what I mean when I use the term tool. A tool is much more than

an attitude adjustment. I changing your lie were only a matter




16/26


o adjusting your attitude, you wouldnt need this book. Real

change requires you to change your behaviornot just your

attitude.

Lets say you scream when you get rustratedyou let loose

on your spouse, your kids, your employees. Someone helps you

realize how unseemly this is, how its damaging your relation-

ships. You now have a new attitude about screaming. You may

eel enlightened and better about yoursel until an employee

makes a costly mistake. At which point you start screaming with-

out even thinking.

A change in attitude wont stop you rom screaming because

attitudes cant control behavior; theyre not strong enough. To

control behavior you need a specic procedure to use at a spe-

cic time to combat a specic problem. Thats what a tool is.

Youll have to wait (without screaming i you can) until

Chapter 3 to learn the tool that applies here. The point is that atoolunlike an attitude adjustmentrequires you to do some-

thing. Not only does it take work, its work you have to do over

and over againevery time you get rustrated. A new attitude

means nothing unless ollowed by a change in behavior. The sur-

est way to change behavior is with a tool.

Beyond what Ive said so ar, theres a more crucial dierence

between a tool and an attitude. An attitude consists o thoughts

happening inside your headeven i you change it, youre work-

ing within the limitations you already have. The most proound

value o a tool is that it takes you beyond what happens inside

your head. It connects you to a world innitely bigger than you

are, a world o limitless orces. It doesnt matter whether you


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call this the collective unconscious or the spiritual world. I ound

it simplest to call it the higher world, and the orces it contains

I call higher orces.

Because I needed the tools to have such power, it took a

great deal o eort to develop them. The inormation would

emerge in a crude, unnished orm at rst. Id have to rework a

tool hundreds o times. My patients never complained; in act,

they liked being part o creating something. They were always

willing to test-drive a new version o a tool and come back and

tell me what had worked and what hadnt. All they asked is that

the tool help them.

The process made me vulnerable to them. I couldnt hold

mysel at a distance like an all-knowing authority gure handing

down inormation rom on high. This work was more o a joint

eortwhich was actually a relie. I was never comortable with

the traditional therapy model where the patient was ill and thetherapist, holding him at arms length like a dead sh, would

cure him. This always oended meI didnt eel I was any bet-

ter than my patients.

What I enjoyed as a therapist wasnt holding the patient at a

distance; it was putting power into my patients hands. Teaching

them the tools was my way o giving them the ultimate gitthe

ability to change their lives. That made it tremendously satisying

each time a tool was ully developed.

In the process o developing the tools, it would be surpris-

ingly clear when a tool was ully ormed. It never elt like I made

it up out o thin air; I had the distinct impression that I was un-

covering something that already existed. What I did bring to the


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table was aith that, or each problem I could identiy, there was

a tool to be discovered that would bring relie. I was like a dog

with a bone until the tool appeared.

That aith was about to be rewarded in a way I never could

have imagined.

As time went by, I observed what happened to patients who

used the tools regularly. As Id hoped, they were now able to

control their symptoms: panic, negativity, avoidance, etc. But

something elsesomething unexpectedwas happening. They

began to develop new abilities. They were able to express them-

selves more condently; they experienced a level o creativity

theyd never elt beore; they ound themselves emerging as

leaders. They were having an impact on the world around

themoten or the rst time in their lives.

Id never set out to do this. I had dened my job as returning

the patient to normal. But these patients were going ar be-yond normaldeveloping potential they didnt even know they

had. The same tools that relieved pain in the present, when used

over time, were aecting every part o their lives. The tools

were turning out to be even more powerul than Id hoped.

To make sense out o this, I had to expand my ocus beyond

the tools themselves and take a closer look at the higher orces

they were releasing. Id seen these orces at work beore. So

have youevery human being has experienced them. They have

a hidden, unexpected power that lets us do things we usually

think o as impossible. But, or most people, the only time we

have access to them is in an emergency. Then, we can act with

heightened courage and resourceulnessbut as soon as the


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19/26


emergency is over, the powers go away; we orget we even have

them.

My patients experiences opened my eyes to a completely

new vision o human potential. My patients were unctioning as

i they had access to these orces every day. Using the tools, the

orces could be generated at will. This discovery revolutionized

my view o how psychotherapy should work. Instead o seeing

problems as an expression o a condition whose cause was in

the past, we needed to see them as catalysts or developing

orces that were already present, lying dormant inside us.

But the therapist had to do more than just see the problems

as catalysts. His job was to give the patient concrete access to

the orces that were needed to solve the problems. These orces

had to be felt, not just talked about. That required something

therapy had never provided: a set o tools.

I had just spent an hour pouring out a tremendous amounto inormation. Barry had taken it all in stride, nodding vigorously

at points. There was only one fy in the ointment. I noticed that

every time I mentioned orces he looked doubtul. I knew he

wasnt good at hiding what he was thinkingI got ready or the

inevitable interrogation.

Most o what Phil had said was revelatory. I absorbed it

like a sponge and was ready to use it on my patients. But

there was one point I couldnt swallow: it was the part

about these higher orces he kept reerring to. He was


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20/26


asking me to believe in something that couldnt be mea-

sured or even seen. I was pretty sure Id hidden these

doubts rom him. Then he interrupted my thoughts.

Somethings bothering you.

No, nothing that was amazing.

He just stared at me. The last time I elt like this was

when I got caught putting sugar on my cereal as a kid. All

right. Just one little thing okay, it isnt so little. Are you

absolutely sure about these higher orces?

He certainly looked sure. Then, he asked me, Did youever make a big change in your lielike a quantum leap

where you went way past what you thought you could do?

As a matter o act, I had. Although I had tried hard to

orget it, Id started my proessional lie as a lawyer. By age

twenty-two, I had gained admission to one o the best law

schools in the country. By age twenty-ve, I had graduatednear the top o my class and was hired immediately by a

prestigious law rm. Having conquered the system, I stood

at the top o the mountainand I hated it right away. It was

stuy, conservative, and boring. I constantly ought the urge

to quit. But Id pushed mysel really hard all my lie; quitting

wasnt in my repertoire. How would I explain quitting a

powerul, well-compensated proessionespecially to my

parents, whod encouraged me to be an attorney my whole

lie?

But somehow I did quit. I remembered the day very

well. I was twenty-eight years old, standing in the lobby o

the oce building where I worked, staring into the silent,


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21/26


glazed-over aces passing by on the sidewalk outside. For a

moment, to my horror, I saw my own ace in the refection

o the window. My eyes looked dead. Suddenly I elt I was

in jeopardy o losing everything and becoming one o those

gray-suited zombies. Then, just as suddenly, I elt some-

thing Id never elt beore: a orce o absolute conviction,

absolute condence. Without any eort on my part, I elt it

carry me right into my bosss oce. I quit on the spot.

When I looked back on what happened with Phils question

in mind, I realized I hadbeen propelled by a orce that camerom someplace else.

As I described this to Phil, he got excited. He pointed

at me and said, Thatswhat Im talking about. You elt a

higher orce in action. People have these experiences all the

time, but they dont understand what theyre eeling. He

paused and asked, You didnt plan or that to happen,right?

I shook my head.

Can you imagine what your lie would be like i you

could tap into that orce at will? Thats what the tools give

you.

I still couldnt ully accept the idea o higher orces, but

it didnt matter. Whatever you called the orce that allowed

me to change my lieI knew it was real. I had elt it. I the

tools gave me access to it every day, I didnt care what you

called it. And when I introduced the tools to my patients,

they didnt care either. Thrilled with the possibility that

I could truly help change their lives, I was radiating an


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22/26


enthusiasm you cant ake. That got their attention in a way

nothing else ever had.

The eedback was uniormly positive. Many com-

mented on how much more productive the sessions seemed.

Normally, Id leave here in a og, not sure Id gotten any-

thing out o the session. Now, I leave here eeling like

theres something I can dosomething practical that will help

me. For the rst time in my short career, I elt able to in-

still hope in my patients. It changed everything. I began to

hear a amiliar rerainYouve given me more in one ses-sion than Ive gotten in years o therapy. My practice

quickly grew. I was eeling more ullled than ever beore.

And sure enough, I noticed the same changes in my pa-

tients that Phil saw when he was discovering the tools.

Their lives were expanding in unexpected ways. They were

becoming better leaders, better parents; they were bolderin every area o their lives.

Twenty-ve years have passed since Phil and I met.

The tools delivered exactly what he said they would: a

daily connection to lie-changing higher orces. The more I

used the tools, the more clearly I elt that these orces came

through me, notfrom methey were a git rom somewhere

else. They carried an extraordinary power that made it

possible to do things Id never done beore. Over time, I

was able to accept that these new powers were given to me

by higher orces. Not only have I experienced these orces

or two and a hal decades, Ive had the privilege o training

patients to access them just as consistently.


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June Free Chapter - The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels