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7/31/2019 June Free Chapter - The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels
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The
Tools5 LIFE-CHANGING TECHNIQUES
TO UNLOCK YOUR POTENTIAL
FIND CoURAGe, INsPIRATIoN,
sUCCess AND hAPPINess
PHIL STUTz& BARRY MICHELS
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1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
This edition published in 2012 by Vermilion, an imprint o Ebury Publishing,
a Random House Group company, in arrangement with Spiegel & Grau,
a division o Random House, Inc.
Copyright Phil Stutz and Barry Michels 2012Illustrations copyright Phil Stutz 2012
The Reversal o Desire (page 40), Active Love (page 81), Inner Authority (page 116) and
The Tools techniques text boxes copyright Phil Stutz 2012
Phil Stutz and Barry Michels have asserted their right to be identifed as the authors o this Work
in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
All rights reserved. No part o this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system
or transmitted in any orm or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or
otherwise, without the prior permission o the copyright owner
Also published simultaneously in Canada by Random House Canada, Toronto
The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009
Addresses or companies within the Random House Group can be ound at
www.randomhouse.co.uk
The Random House Group Limited supports The Forest Stewardship Council (FSC), the leading
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on FSC certifed paper. FSC is the only orest certifcation scheme endorsed by the leading
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be ound at www.domos.o./vomt
Printed and bound by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY
ISBN (hardback) 9780091947736
ISBN (trade paperback) 9780091940065
Book design by Donna Sinisgalli
To buy books by your avourite authors and register or oers visit www.domos.o.
This is a work o nonfction. Some names and identiying details have been changed
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To L Qvs, wo v lt m gv p.
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recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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C H A P T E R 1
Rtn Nw W
Roberta was a new psychotherapy patient
who made me eel completely ineective within teen
minutes o meeting her. She had come to me with a very
specic goal: she wanted to stop obsessing about the idea
that her boyriend was cheating on her. I go through his
messages, grill him with questions; sometimes I even drive
by his place to spy on him. I never nd anything but I cantstop mysel. I thought her problem was easily explained
by the act that her ather had abruptly deserted the amily
when she was a child. Even now, in her mid-twenties, she
was still terried o abandonment. But beore we could
delve into that issue more deeply, she looked me in the eye
and demanded, Tell me how I can stop obsessing. Dont
waste my time and money on whyIm insecureI already
know.
I Roberta came to see me today, Id be thrilled that she
knew exactly what she wanted, and Id know exactly how
to help her. But my meeting with her took place twenty-ve
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4 | T h e T o o l s
years ago when I was a new psychotherapist. I elt the di-
rectness o her request shoot through me like an arrow. I
had no response.
I didnt blame mysel. I had just spent two years
devouring every current theory o psychotherapeutic
practice. But the more inormation I digested, the more un-
satised I became. The theories elt removed rom the ac-
tual experience someone would have when he or she was in
trouble and needed help. I elt in my gut that I hadnt been
taught a way to respond directly to what a patient likeRoberta was asking or.
I wondered, maybe I cant pick up this ability rom
a book; maybe it can be learned only in ace-to-ace consul-
tation with someone whod been in the trenches. I had
developed close ties to two o my supervisorsnot only
did they know me well, but they had many decades o clin-ical experience. Surely, they must have developed some way
to meet these requests.
I described Robertas demand to them. Their response
conrmed my worst ears. They had no solution. Worse,
what seemed to me like a reasonable request, they saw as
part o her problem. They used a lot o clinical terms: Ro-
berta was impulsive, resistant, and craved immediate
gratication. I I tried to meet her immediate needs, they
warned me, she would actually become more demanding.
Unanimously, they advised me to guide her back to her
childhoodthere we would nd what caused the obsession
in the rst place. I told them she already knew why she was
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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 5
obsessed. Their answer was that her athers abandonment
couldnt be the realreason. You have to go even deeperinto
her childhood. I was ed up with this runaround: Id heard it
beoreevery time a patient made a direct request, the ther-
apist would turn it back on the patient and tell him or her to
go deeper. It was a shell game they used to hide the truth:
when it came to immediate help, these therapists had very
little to give to their patients. Not only was I disappointed, I
had the sinking eeling that my supervisors were speaking
or the entire psychotherapeutic proessioncertainly Idnever heard anyone say anything else. I didnt know where
to turn.
Then I got lucky. A riend told me hed met a psychiatrist
who didnt accept the system any more than I did. This guy
actually answers your questionsand I guarantee youve
never heard these answers beore. He was giving a series oseminars, and I decided to go to the next one. That was
where I met Dr. Phil Stutz, the coauthor o this book.
That seminar changed my practiceand my lie.
Everything about the way Phil thought seemed com-
pletely new. More important, in my gut it elt like the truth.
He was the rst psychotherapist Id met whose ocus was
on the solution, not the problem. He was absolutely con-
dent that human beings possessed untapped orces that
allowed them to solve their own problems. In act, his view
o problems was the opposite o what Id been taught. He
didnt see them as handicapping the patient; he saw them as
opportunities to enter this world o untapped potential.
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6 | T h e T o o l s
I was skeptical at rst. Id heard about turning problems
into opportunities beore, but no one had ever explained ex-
actly how to do this. Phil made it clear and concrete. You had
to tap into hidden resources by means o certain powerul
but simple techniques that anyone could use.
He called these techniques tools.
I walked out o that seminar so excited, I elt like I
could fy. It wasnt just that there were actual tools that
could help people; it was something about Phils attitude.
He was laying himsel, his theories, and his tools out in the
open. He didnt demand that we accept what he was telling
us; the only thing he insisted on was that we actually use
his tools and come to our own conclusions about what they
could do. He almost dared us to prove him wrong. He
struck me as very brave or madpossibly both. But in any
case, the eect on me was catalyzing, like bursting out intothe resh air ater the suocating dogma o my more tradi-
tional colleagues. I saw even more clearly how much they
hid behind an impenetrable wall o convoluted ideas, none
o which they elt the need to test or experience or them-
selves.
I had learned only one tool at the seminar, but as soon
as I let, I practiced it religiously. I couldnt wait to give it
to Roberta. I was sure it would help her more than delving
deeper into her past. In our next session, I said, Heres
something you can do the moment you start to obsess, and
I gave her the tool (Ill present it later). To my amazement,
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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 7
she seized on it and started using it immediately.
More amazingly, it helped. My colleagues had been wrong.
Giving Roberta something that provided immediate help
didnt make her more demanding and immature; it inspired
her to become an active, enthusiastic participant in her own
therapy.
Id gone rom eeling useless to having a very positive
impact on someone in a very short time. I ound mysel hun-
gering or moremore inormation, more tools; a deeper
understanding o how they worked. Was this just a grab bag
o dierent techniques, or was it what I suspecteda whole
new way o looking at human beings?
In an eort to get answers, I began to corner Phil at the
end o each seminar and squeeze as much inormation as I
could out o him. He was always cooperativehe seemed
to like answering questionsbut each answer led to an-other question. I elt Id hit the mother lode o inormation,
and I wanted to take home as much o it as possible. I was
insatiable.
Which brought up another issue. What I was learning
rom Phil was so powerul that I wanted it to be the core o
my work with patients. But there was no training program
to apply to, no academic hurdles to jump over. That was
stu I was good at, but he seemed to have no interest in it,
which made me eel insecure. How could I qualiy to be
trained? Would he even think o me as a candidate? Was I
turning him o with my questions?
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8 | T h e T o o l s
Not too long ater I began giving the seminars, this intense young
guy named Barry Michels began to show up. With some hesita-
tion, he identied himsel as a therapist, although, given the
detailed way he questioned me, he sounded more like a lawyer.
Whatever he was, he was really smart.
But thats not why I answered his questions. Ive never been
impressed by intellect or credentials. What caught my attention
was how enthusiastic he was; how hed go home and use the
tools himsel. I didnt know i I was imagining it, but I elt as
though hed been looking or something or a long time and had
nally ound it.
Then he asked me a question Id never been asked beore.
I was wondering Who taught you this stu the tools
and everything? My training program didnt touch on anythingremotely like it.
No one taught me.
You mean you came up with this yoursel?
I hesitated. Yeah well, not exactly.
I didnt know i I should tell him how I really got the inorma-
tion. But he seemed open-minded, so I decided to give it a try. It
was a somewhat unusual story, that began with the very rst
patients I treated, and one in particular.
Tony was a young surgical resident at the hospital where I
was a resident in psychiatry. Unlike a lot o the other surgeons,
he wasnt arrogant, in act when I rst saw him, cowering near
the door o my oce, he looked like a trapped rat. When I asked
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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 9
him what was wrong, he answered, Im araid o a test I have to
take. He was shaking like the test was in ten minutes; but it
wasnt scheduled or another six months. All tests scared
himand this one was a big one. It was his board-certication
exam in surgery.
I interpreted his history the way Id been trained to. His
ather had made a ortune in dry cleaning but was a college
dropout with deep eelings o ineriority. On the surace, he
wanted his son to become a amous surgeon to gain a vicarious
sense o success. But underneath, he was so insecure that he
was threatened by the idea o his son surpassing him. Tony was
unconsciously terried to succeed or this reason: his ather
would see him as a rival and retaliate. Failing his exams was his
way o keeping himsel sae. At least that was what Id been
trained to believe.
When I gave this interpretation to Tony, he was skeptical.That sounds like something out o a textbook. My ather has
never pushed me to do anything or his sake. I cant blame my
problem on him. Still, it seemed to help at rst; he looked and
elt better. But as the day o the test drew closer, his anxiety re-
turned. He wanted to postpone the exam. I assured him this was
just his unconscious ear o his ather. All he had to do was keep
talking about it, and it would go away again. This was the tradi-
tional, time-tested approach to his problem. I was so condent
that I guaranteed hed pass his test.
I was wrong. He ailed miserably.
We had one last session ater that. He still looked like a
trapped rat, but this time an angry trapped rat. His words echoed
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10 | T h e T o o l s
in my ears. You didnt give me a real way to conquer ear. Talk-
ing about my ather every time was like ghting a gorilla with a
water pistol. You ailed me.
My experience with Tony opened my eyes. I realized how
helpless patients could eel acing a problem by themselves.
What they needed were solutions that would give them the
power to ght back. Theories and explanations couldnt give
that kind o power; they needed forces they could eel.
I had a series o other, less spectacular ailures. In each case,
a patient was in some state o suering: depression, panic, ob-
sessional rage, etc. They pleaded with me or a way to make
their pain go away. I had no idea how to help them.
I was experienced at dealing with ailure. I was addicted to
basketball growing up and played with kids bigger and better
than I was. (Actually, almost everybody was bigger than I was.) I
I perormed badly at basketball, I just practiced more. This wasdierent. Once I lost aith in the way Id been taught to do ther-
apy, there was nothing to practice. It was as though someone
took the ball away.
My supervisors were sincere and dedicated, but they
attributed my doubts to inexperience. They told me most young
therapists doubt themselves, but as time passes, they learn that
therapy can only do so much. By accepting its limitations, they
dont eel as bad about themselves.
But those limitations were unacceptable to me.
I wouldnt be satised until I could oer patients what they
asked or: a way to help themselves now. I decided I would nd
a way to do this no matter where it took me. Looking back, I
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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 11
realize that this was the next step on a path that had started
when I was a child.
When I was nine, my three-year-old brother died o a rare
cancer. My parents, who had limited emotional resources, never
recovered. A cloud o doom hung over them. This tragedy
changed my role in the amily. Their hope or the uture became
ocused on meas i I had a special power to make the doom
go away. Each evening my ather would come home rom work,
sit in his rocking chair, and worry.
He didnt do it quietly.
Id sit on the foor next to his chair, and hed warn me that his
business might go bankrupt any day (he called it going busted).
Hed ask me stu like Could you make do with only one pair o
pants? Or What i we all had to live in one room? None o his
ears were realistic; they were as close as he could come to ad-
mitting his terror that death would visit us again. Over the nextew years, I realized my job was to reassure him. In eect, I be-
came my athers shrink.
I was twelve years old.
Not that I thought about it that way. I didnt think at all. I was
moved by an instinctive ear that i I didnt accept this role, doom
would overwhelm us. As unrealistic as that ear was, it elt abso-
lutely real at the time. Being under that kind o pressure as a kid
gave me strength when I grew up and got real patients. Unlike
many o my peers, I wasnt intimidated by their demands. Id
been in that role or almost twenty years.
But just because I was willing to address my patients pain
didnt mean I knew how. One thing I was sure o: I was on my
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12 | T h e T o o l s
own. There were no books I could read, no experts I could cor-
respond with, no training programs I could apply to. All I had to
go on was my instincts. I didnt know it yet, but they were about
to lead me to a whole new source o inormation.
My instincts led me into the present. Thats where my pa-
tients suering was. Taking them back to their past was just a
distraction; I didnt want any more Tonys. The past has memo-
ries, emotions, and insights, all o which have value. But I was
looking or something powerul enough to bring relie right now.
To nd it, I had to stay in the present.
I had only one rule: every time a patient asked or relie
rom hurt eelings, sel-consciousness, demoralization, or any-
thing elseI had to address it then and there. I had to come up
with something on the spot. Working without a net, I got in the
habit o saying out loud whatever occurred to me that might
help the patient. It was kind o like Freuds ree association inreversedone by the doctor instead o the patient. Im not sure
he would have approved.
I got to the point where I could talk without knowing what I
was going to say next. It began to eel as though some other
orce was speaking through me. Little by little, the tools in this
book (and the philosophy behind them) made themselves
known. The only standard they had to meet was that they
worked.
Since I never considered my search complete until I had a
specic tool to oer a patient, its crucial to understand exactly
what I mean when I use the term tool. A tool is much more than
an attitude adjustment. I changing your lie were only a matter
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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 13
o adjusting your attitude, you wouldnt need this book. Real
change requires you to change your behaviornot just your
attitude.
Lets say you scream when you get rustratedyou let loose
on your spouse, your kids, your employees. Someone helps you
realize how unseemly this is, how its damaging your relation-
ships. You now have a new attitude about screaming. You may
eel enlightened and better about yoursel until an employee
makes a costly mistake. At which point you start screaming with-
out even thinking.
A change in attitude wont stop you rom screaming because
attitudes cant control behavior; theyre not strong enough. To
control behavior you need a specic procedure to use at a spe-
cic time to combat a specic problem. Thats what a tool is.
Youll have to wait (without screaming i you can) until
Chapter 3 to learn the tool that applies here. The point is that atoolunlike an attitude adjustmentrequires you to do some-
thing. Not only does it take work, its work you have to do over
and over againevery time you get rustrated. A new attitude
means nothing unless ollowed by a change in behavior. The sur-
est way to change behavior is with a tool.
Beyond what Ive said so ar, theres a more crucial dierence
between a tool and an attitude. An attitude consists o thoughts
happening inside your headeven i you change it, youre work-
ing within the limitations you already have. The most proound
value o a tool is that it takes you beyond what happens inside
your head. It connects you to a world innitely bigger than you
are, a world o limitless orces. It doesnt matter whether you
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recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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14 | T h e T o o l s
call this the collective unconscious or the spiritual world. I ound
it simplest to call it the higher world, and the orces it contains
I call higher orces.
Because I needed the tools to have such power, it took a
great deal o eort to develop them. The inormation would
emerge in a crude, unnished orm at rst. Id have to rework a
tool hundreds o times. My patients never complained; in act,
they liked being part o creating something. They were always
willing to test-drive a new version o a tool and come back and
tell me what had worked and what hadnt. All they asked is that
the tool help them.
The process made me vulnerable to them. I couldnt hold
mysel at a distance like an all-knowing authority gure handing
down inormation rom on high. This work was more o a joint
eortwhich was actually a relie. I was never comortable with
the traditional therapy model where the patient was ill and thetherapist, holding him at arms length like a dead sh, would
cure him. This always oended meI didnt eel I was any bet-
ter than my patients.
What I enjoyed as a therapist wasnt holding the patient at a
distance; it was putting power into my patients hands. Teaching
them the tools was my way o giving them the ultimate gitthe
ability to change their lives. That made it tremendously satisying
each time a tool was ully developed.
In the process o developing the tools, it would be surpris-
ingly clear when a tool was ully ormed. It never elt like I made
it up out o thin air; I had the distinct impression that I was un-
covering something that already existed. What I did bring to the
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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 15
table was aith that, or each problem I could identiy, there was
a tool to be discovered that would bring relie. I was like a dog
with a bone until the tool appeared.
That aith was about to be rewarded in a way I never could
have imagined.
As time went by, I observed what happened to patients who
used the tools regularly. As Id hoped, they were now able to
control their symptoms: panic, negativity, avoidance, etc. But
something elsesomething unexpectedwas happening. They
began to develop new abilities. They were able to express them-
selves more condently; they experienced a level o creativity
theyd never elt beore; they ound themselves emerging as
leaders. They were having an impact on the world around
themoten or the rst time in their lives.
Id never set out to do this. I had dened my job as returning
the patient to normal. But these patients were going ar be-yond normaldeveloping potential they didnt even know they
had. The same tools that relieved pain in the present, when used
over time, were aecting every part o their lives. The tools
were turning out to be even more powerul than Id hoped.
To make sense out o this, I had to expand my ocus beyond
the tools themselves and take a closer look at the higher orces
they were releasing. Id seen these orces at work beore. So
have youevery human being has experienced them. They have
a hidden, unexpected power that lets us do things we usually
think o as impossible. But, or most people, the only time we
have access to them is in an emergency. Then, we can act with
heightened courage and resourceulnessbut as soon as the
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recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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16 | T h e T o o l s
emergency is over, the powers go away; we orget we even have
them.
My patients experiences opened my eyes to a completely
new vision o human potential. My patients were unctioning as
i they had access to these orces every day. Using the tools, the
orces could be generated at will. This discovery revolutionized
my view o how psychotherapy should work. Instead o seeing
problems as an expression o a condition whose cause was in
the past, we needed to see them as catalysts or developing
orces that were already present, lying dormant inside us.
But the therapist had to do more than just see the problems
as catalysts. His job was to give the patient concrete access to
the orces that were needed to solve the problems. These orces
had to be felt, not just talked about. That required something
therapy had never provided: a set o tools.
I had just spent an hour pouring out a tremendous amounto inormation. Barry had taken it all in stride, nodding vigorously
at points. There was only one fy in the ointment. I noticed that
every time I mentioned orces he looked doubtul. I knew he
wasnt good at hiding what he was thinkingI got ready or the
inevitable interrogation.
Most o what Phil had said was revelatory. I absorbed it
like a sponge and was ready to use it on my patients. But
there was one point I couldnt swallow: it was the part
about these higher orces he kept reerring to. He was
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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 17
asking me to believe in something that couldnt be mea-
sured or even seen. I was pretty sure Id hidden these
doubts rom him. Then he interrupted my thoughts.
Somethings bothering you.
No, nothing that was amazing.
He just stared at me. The last time I elt like this was
when I got caught putting sugar on my cereal as a kid. All
right. Just one little thing okay, it isnt so little. Are you
absolutely sure about these higher orces?
He certainly looked sure. Then, he asked me, Did youever make a big change in your lielike a quantum leap
where you went way past what you thought you could do?
As a matter o act, I had. Although I had tried hard to
orget it, Id started my proessional lie as a lawyer. By age
twenty-two, I had gained admission to one o the best law
schools in the country. By age twenty-ve, I had graduatednear the top o my class and was hired immediately by a
prestigious law rm. Having conquered the system, I stood
at the top o the mountainand I hated it right away. It was
stuy, conservative, and boring. I constantly ought the urge
to quit. But Id pushed mysel really hard all my lie; quitting
wasnt in my repertoire. How would I explain quitting a
powerul, well-compensated proessionespecially to my
parents, whod encouraged me to be an attorney my whole
lie?
But somehow I did quit. I remembered the day very
well. I was twenty-eight years old, standing in the lobby o
the oce building where I worked, staring into the silent,
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recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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18 | T h e T o o l s
glazed-over aces passing by on the sidewalk outside. For a
moment, to my horror, I saw my own ace in the refection
o the window. My eyes looked dead. Suddenly I elt I was
in jeopardy o losing everything and becoming one o those
gray-suited zombies. Then, just as suddenly, I elt some-
thing Id never elt beore: a orce o absolute conviction,
absolute condence. Without any eort on my part, I elt it
carry me right into my bosss oce. I quit on the spot.
When I looked back on what happened with Phils question
in mind, I realized I hadbeen propelled by a orce that camerom someplace else.
As I described this to Phil, he got excited. He pointed
at me and said, Thatswhat Im talking about. You elt a
higher orce in action. People have these experiences all the
time, but they dont understand what theyre eeling. He
paused and asked, You didnt plan or that to happen,right?
I shook my head.
Can you imagine what your lie would be like i you
could tap into that orce at will? Thats what the tools give
you.
I still couldnt ully accept the idea o higher orces, but
it didnt matter. Whatever you called the orce that allowed
me to change my lieI knew it was real. I had elt it. I the
tools gave me access to it every day, I didnt care what you
called it. And when I introduced the tools to my patients,
they didnt care either. Thrilled with the possibility that
I could truly help change their lives, I was radiating an
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R e v e l a T i o N o f a N e W W a y | 19
enthusiasm you cant ake. That got their attention in a way
nothing else ever had.
The eedback was uniormly positive. Many com-
mented on how much more productive the sessions seemed.
Normally, Id leave here in a og, not sure Id gotten any-
thing out o the session. Now, I leave here eeling like
theres something I can dosomething practical that will help
me. For the rst time in my short career, I elt able to in-
still hope in my patients. It changed everything. I began to
hear a amiliar rerainYouve given me more in one ses-sion than Ive gotten in years o therapy. My practice
quickly grew. I was eeling more ullled than ever beore.
And sure enough, I noticed the same changes in my pa-
tients that Phil saw when he was discovering the tools.
Their lives were expanding in unexpected ways. They were
becoming better leaders, better parents; they were bolderin every area o their lives.
Twenty-ve years have passed since Phil and I met.
The tools delivered exactly what he said they would: a
daily connection to lie-changing higher orces. The more I
used the tools, the more clearly I elt that these orces came
through me, notfrom methey were a git rom somewhere
else. They carried an extraordinary power that made it
possible to do things Id never done beore. Over time, I
was able to accept that these new powers were given to me
by higher orces. Not only have I experienced these orces
or two and a hal decades, Ive had the privilege o training
patients to access them just as consistently.
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recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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