Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.11

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.11

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Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 11 March 3, 2010

White Guys Finally Headlining Sendo

By Ed Strictly

GUND COMPUTER LAB TheHood Internet, a Chicago-basedduo who specialize in the blendingof hip-hop and indie rock songs,

released a statement on their web-site that they will be mashing upKenyons Sendoff this May. Theteam, who has produced such cutsas All My Scrubs (TLC vs. LedZeppelin) and Fire it Up, Fire-mouse (Lil Wayne vs. ModestMouse), has been researching Ke-nyon extensively in order to gener-ate pertinent and charming tributesto the school.

Lets just say that these trackswill shake the gravel on CenterPath, said the bands publicist,Kyle Lemieux. Your minds will

be blown. Youll never suspectsome of these mash-ups, kids.Youll be running around in disbe-lief, all over John Crowe RansomLawn.

According to Lemieux, the duohas spent hours on Kenyons web-site, learning the ins-and-outs ofthe campus. They wanted to re-ally know this place inside-out,he said. They read everything

they couldget theirhands on:Fortnight-ly, Per-

simmons, even the daily Pmenu. Lemieux refused tlease any of the songs namehe did divulge some of the usen Peirce-themed tracks: BBlowOutdoors Club (Comfor

tion vs. Backpacks!), Tunand Great Hall & Oates Great Hall in Peirce vs. Pop-ers Hall & Oates!).

The crux of their set, howwill be Sendoff-themed mashincluding Paradise Lost MCard on the Lunar Bounce (vs. Allstu), and Tripping Paint Booth (Ecstasy vs. StCouncil).

When asked what these mups would consist of, andthe songs themselves would

tain to Kenyon, Lemieux seconfused: Theyll just be hisongs mashed-up with indiesongs. When pressed furthto how the content of the themselves would correspowhether the songs would insound-bites from the campself, or perhaps audio clipsKokosingers or Peelers, Lemchecked his watch, said, thjust gonna play two unlikely at the same time, and x-ed oour Skype chat.

y Sgt. Clap Stormison

ANTOOINE The Collegiatehappy to announce that RJD2,

esh from his tour of a galaxy far,r away, will appear at Earths Ke-

yon College for Summer Sendoff.JD2 has been on the space roadnce releasing his latest albumhe Colossus (a reference, ofourse, to the Imperial-class Starestroyer Colossus that led the at-n his chassiss built-in internalrntables which he never usedthe original trilogy, for some

upid reason have earned himeat success, as The Colossusent double-transparisteel in De-mber.R-J says the chances of all-night

artying and having a most excel-nt time are 725 to 1! intoned hy-eman C3PO before a recent RJD2erformance at the Tatooine House

Blues. Although, he has beennown to make mistakes . . . fromme to time. Fuck YEAH! To thear of beeping and buzzing fans,JD2 rolled onstage and began histense, hour-long musical show-

own between machine and alsoachine: RJD2 vs. his equipment. nd all-around intergalactic mega-ar, won, and the robotic crowdent as wild as their limited robot

bodies allowed.D2s entourage also has plans

for the day. Chewbacca is slated totake on the entire Kenyon Collegerugby team and wrooararoaoroathem to pieces, while Luke Sky-

walker is expected to wow stu-dents by sinking beer pong shotswith his visor down.

The droid faced a 2008 sexualharassment suit after a female fanaccused him of using his computerinterface arm in ways that wentagainst her original program-ming, but 2009 showered himwith rave reviews for his single,Boooop Beeep WheeeeereeeepBeep. The artist split the singleslightsaber-control laws and SpaceAIDS research. In addition, his

song Chirrrrp Boop Beep can beheard in the intro to AMCs popu-lar drama Mad Men.

RJD2 is known for his elabo-rate stage shows, incorporatingself-projected images of princessespole dancing on tables, and ofteninappropriate live performances.The droids label representativesat Choruscant Records assured theCollege that Arjay will keep theo b s c e n ebeeps andw h i s t l e sat a mini-mum.

INSIDE THIS ISSUE:BASEBALL TEAM GOES CUPLESS TO REDUCE WASTE

SAILING TEAM GIVES UP

MT. VERNON MIKE TO LISTEN TO STATIC OVER BREAK

We Also Know How LOST Ends

Superstar Droid RJD2 To Play Hood Internet to Mash Up Keny


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y Esteban Sinclaire

HORN GALLERY This past Tuesdayight at the Horn Gallery, eleven American

heir senior comps, an adorable but weallyard ten-minute group presentation thateft many uncertain about passing and all

weally weady for a snack.The comps consisted of a PowerPoint

nd a paragraph on something that some-ow ties into something they learned. Thisears presentation was comprised of aideshow entitled Famoss [sic] Presi-ents In Histery [sic] and a rendition ofAmerica The Beautiful by Mike Gloovar10 on his recorder.

I did my project on Benjamin Franklin,ur tenth president, said Trevor Brooke10 during the presentation, dressed in a

white wig and an oversized tweed coat.He was really neat - he even inventedlectricity! Look, I brought a light bulb!

Brooke proceeded to show the crowdssembled a battery-powered light circuite had made in the garage with his father, resentation from the back of the room.

n, other students felt frowny faced after

Uh, they asked hard stuff, like ifMexico is up or down on the map, LaceGoiter 10 said after pulling her shirt upnd rolling on the ground. And after Tom

McRoy 10] threw up, my tummy startedo hurt. Could you rub it?

On Tuesday students also had to sub- eacher whos pretty nice even though hehouts a lot. Notoriously known as theig challenge for big boys! the paper hasong been criticized by the larger academicommunity for its strict no crayon policy.

This paper made my brain weallyweepy, Jack Rickrone 10 said as herinted off his quadruple-spaced, size 16--ation. How am I supposed to write a

whole pawagwaph when Ive only studied

he United American States for this manyRickrone claims that regardless of the

rains of Googling pictures of the Con- he projector, the rewards of the major farutweigh its meany-pants demands - heoesnt even care if he has to stay insidehis weekend for not putting his name onis paper.

I got a purple ice pop! Rickronehrowing his shoe across the room. And

Mr. Wutkoff said he was gonna makewownies! This is the bestest comps test

ver!!

By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins

KAC The halftime crowd at last weeks bas-ketball game was treated to the much-anticipatedKenyon debut of Boots Firmly Planted, a na-tionally acclaimed Amish step team from KnoxCounty.

These guys are step legends, said an excitedMarcus Brackston 10, head of the Kenyon StepTeam. Theyre right up there with the ShowtimeSteppers and StatusQuo in terms of co-ordination and tech-nique. And theirmoves are just well, you gotta seeit to believe it.

The gamesanouncer pumpedthe crowd up witha raucous introduc-tion: Kenyoooonare you ready forsome steppiiiiiin!?Boots Firmly Plants

lets see what youcan do! Thunder-ous cheering andhooting greeted Boots Firmly Planted as theytook the stage. But the groups leader, HansLeifenhuuf, silenced the applause. Nay, heprofessed. Thy revelry is forbidden. Galatians5:1921 states that the acts of sinful nature sexual debauchery, discord, idolatry, and drunkenorgies shalt disqualify yon practitioners fromthe Kingdom of Heaven.

They always start their set off with a discon Bible verses, whispered an awed BracIts amazing . . .

Ho, Leifenhuuf, reproached teammateAchtung, halt thine sour condemnationsa joyful celebration of Gods majesty we tend on yon day of Sun. Do not let slip thyof Psalm 149:3: Let them praise His namdancing and make music to Him with tamrine and harp. Soften thy wintry heart, Han

let loose thvine power britches.

The could barelytain their hyby this pointshouts of Ashit son! You da mcrew.

The reder of the murmured

agreement Amos wiThe expressi

sternness lifted from Leifenhuufs face, a marks. Commence to bring it on.

Then, much to the crowds delight, the began a coordinated jig to DJ Unks Walk Iverifying their status as step team champion

By Gurl Wulf

WIGGIN ST The clang of wedding bells rangout over the village of Gambier Saturday, herald-ing the nuptials of Peter Stevens, 9, and Kara Lu-cas, 5. The couple, who met three weeks ago dur-their respective parents homes until one or bothof them is old enough to see over the counter. Thespectacularly pink and glittery wedding was at-tended by members of the Wiggin Street kinder-whom had attended such festivities before.

Not all of the guests were thrilled for the cou-

the service and, later, around the buffet tables andin the sandbox. This is Peters eleventh wife,said Wiggin Street math teacher Joan McCoy. Alot of the girls at the wedding have been marriedthem to watch someone else step into shoes theyonce wore. Still, some of the ex-wives in atten-dance remained positive throughout. Stevensninth wife, Eliza Hoppit, 6, said, We parted ami-cably. He was a really good sharer. He always letme play with his blocks.

I bet he did, commented ex-wife DelilahLoops, 11. Loops, who married Stevens when shewas 6 and divorced him four hours later citingcooties and hair-pulling, elaborated, I thought

Peter was going to let me play with his blocks

forever. It turned out he wanted to spread around, build some forts with other girls. I shave known, younger boys never have the term in mind.

Stevens most recent ex-wife, Becky Gra4, could not be reached for comment as ieither naptime, bedtime, or bath time everyher mom answered the phone, but close fter did not treat her very well, but shes tsome time for herself, you know, watchingthe Explorer to improve her Spanish, gettingin shape on the monkey bars. Shell be okay

She still needed a booster seat, which crimped my style, Stevens said unapolo

cally. Its hard to have a tickle war when ybelted six ways to Sunday.

Stevens, whose marriages have lastedwhere from two recesses to six monthsto Spain and I didnt know how to call Spainproud of his record. Ive asked to be held bakindergarten for the past four years, he saidgage. Do you have any idea how many seemotional issues the whole concept of Phbrings out in girls? Kindergarten for life.

I dont care, the new bride said. I lovethiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, and were gonna be maat least til I start losing my baby teeth. He p

ised.

Amish Step Team Performs At Half-Timmerican Studies MajorsWorried About Pass-ng Big, Stupid Comps

Wiggin Street Kindergartner On Eleventh W

Boots Firmly Planted before a captivated audience.


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y Granny Hayes

LD KENYON In what turnedut to be an unfortunate misun-erstanding Saturday night, localbrarians Patricia Meriwether andelia Fleming arrived at the Zetalpha Pi Librarians and Barbar-ns all-campus party. Expectingattend an informative lecture on

ewey Decimals on the Barbary

oast, the women were shockedeming described as too loud.Once I saw the young men withalized that Patty and I had made

n error, said Fleming. The mene had encountered were clearlyliterate.I hadnt been that confused

nce I found out that Who MovedMy Cheese? was a self-help book,

ot a cook book about dairy prod-cts, commented Meriweth-. All these years, I had been

ataloging it wrong, she added,huckling. -

ook as a NATASTROPHE,uickly evolved into a scene that

Meriwether described as not qui-enough. I saw Patty starting

to overheat in her wool skirt suit,said Fleming, and I knew we hadto get out of there. With everymoment that passed the informa-tion professionals became morecertain that they were, in fact, theonly real librarians at the party and

that the illiterates werent illiterateat all, but rather, male college stu-dents dressed as barbarians. Noone even recognized my SHHH!Librarian at Work sweater, saidFleming. People kept saying

Haha thats so clever. Did you getthat at Goodwill? But they givethese sweaters out every year tothe librarians working the Gam-bier Public Library Book Sale.

Stuck between two male stu-dents dressed as Germanic war-

riors, Fleming and Meriwetherpleaded to get by the fake savages.However, their requests went un-heard as the women spoke exclu-sively in hushed tones.

Real Librarians Crash Zeta Alpha Pi Party

By Joe M. Amasas

EDWARDS HOUSE Ovpast few weeks, Kenyon been swamped with worstudents trying to hand in

simultaneously. Since the of the student body to cammid-January, students havecoming through at all houasking countless questions, ing a number of answers, rfrom, No, to That formYes, you do need that sigas well.

Frequent though ultimatefounded worries circulatethrough lunch.

As the window during students can drop or add c go back to just sitting themost of the workday and aing the occasional phoneThere was a while therethe only time we could reasit together and do nothing whour off that we all take at thtime every day. Sadie McEHead Registrar, recalled. of that has changed, and Mcnothing all day.

Overall, student reactio

12 told reporters that he wproud of all of us for returnful, dormant state. It was teunfair, and downright inhthere. Can you imagine to sit at a desk and receivefrom or respond to people most three hours each moWell, then imagine havingit again, for another three row. Nobody should be surwhen their questions are mesurly, veiled hostility

such intense working condwho could possibly still payto politeness and decency?

Still, not everyone is Carla Wartroth 11 compIts unreasonable to callthey do a work day. Wawho has not had to wake up eleven and has had TuesdaThursdays off for the past Registrar, noted, The comtion of extreme degrees oand entitlement is one of thdisgusting perversions of nature, before neglecting

the 20 minutes of Biology rshe had for the 11th class in

Registrar SBack On A

y Beauregard Beauregard

CIENCE QUAD Studentsequenting the Science Quad ine past month have been

bjected to both scaldingrassment and plaintiveempts at human contact

om Henry Moores Largeindle Piece, on loan to

e college from architectaham Gund 63.Much of the sculpturestagonism seems to stem

om jealousy for the groupangels by Carles Milles

cated outside Rosse Hall.Have you even seen thosesholes? it exclaimed.ust up on those pedestals,aying their instruments

e they dont even knowhat kind of picture theyretting. Buncha phonies.

hey know. Of course theyow. And they get madyou point it out, too. Allorons hate it when youll them a moron.A small number of fe-ale students have reportedgaging in relationshipsth the sculpture withrying degrees of physi-lity. When asked about itsxuality, it Large Spindleece replied, Winters therdest, and I dont needy psychobabble about

Seasonal Affective Disorder to tellme why. Its because of the girls,man. All bundled up and whatnot,theyre never going to do anything

pretty. Fall and Spring Im fallinghalf in love every two seconds butin the winter its goddamn hard,before sighing and pausing. Girls.

Jesus Christ. They can

drive you crazy. They re-ally can.While a rare few are in-

different to the sculpturesdiatribes, most either feelit utterly insufferable. Allit talks about is its deadbrother Three Way PieceNo. 2 (The Archer), commented Janet Wil-son 12. Apparently wewould have liked him.Another student, whowished to remain anony-mous, described the sculp-

ture as kind of a whinybitch.

The abstract worksdisillusionment seems tostem from a frustrationwith the human tendencyto take things for grant-ed. This is a really niceplace youve got here, youknow? it said. I mean,sure, youve got your fairshare of jerks and all that,guys who cant shut upabout themselves or theirfathers and all, but its anice place. People nevernotice anything.

culpture Wishes Someone, Anyone Understood It

Merriwether and Fleming shushing the crowd.

The Large Spindle Piece, brooding.


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Savage Garden . . . . . Skeeter DemiglaceFoo Fighters . . . . . . Sheridan WhitesideDel Amitri . . . . . . . . . Diesel JacksonCreed . . . . . . . . . Luther HoneybucketSmashmouth . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000Goo Goo Dolls . . . . . . . . Charlie AdamsSpacehog . . . . . . . Beauregard BeauregardMatchbox 20 . . . . . . . Eegull Eggelstein

Eagle Eye Cherry . . . . . . Granny HayesEverclear . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk JerkinsTrain . . . . . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire3 Doors Down . . . . . . Dingo RockefellerSister Hazel . . . . . . . . . . Gurl WulfHoku . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jean ShortzHanson . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ed StrictlyLucky Boys Confusion . . . . Clams CasinoEverlast . . . . . . . . Sgt. Clap StormisonThird Eye Blind . . . . . . Joe M. AmasasGarbage . . . . . . . . . . Roy McKluskinBlind Melon . . . . . . . Helga G. PatakiSugar Ray . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis

Advisor . . Now! Thats What I Call Music 4-6

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . Louis Francis Al- -

COLLEGIATESTAFF

By Jean Shortz

BOOKSTORE This past week, Jim Huangbegan work as the new Kenyon College Book-store Manager. Huang, when offered the jobthis past September, accepted on only one con-dition: that the bookstore sell a shit-ton of pup-pets.

Since Huangs arrival on campus, his mainconcern has been adjusting to life in Gam-bier and his new job. Transitions are alwaysmessy, but this one is going to be worth it, hesaid. Its going to be wonderful once were allhere my wife and daughter and my puppetsare still backin Indianaw r a p p i n gup vari-ous things.He looked

up as TheR a i n b o wConnectionstarted toplay for the since thei n t e r v i e wstarted. Wa-tery-eyed, heconfessed,Its a littlehard to beapart frommy puppets

right now.H u a n g

says he isalready discovering aspectsof the Bookstore that he hopes to improve.-jority of what the Bookstore sells is books andfood items and academic-type stuff, he said. Iwas hoping for more puppets. I like puppets.

He accepted the position in October, andthe bookstore began carrying a greater num-ber and variety of puppets to make the movemore comfortable. According to Huang, the

puppets currently stocked are a good effoamateurs but not quite up to par with whad in mind: We have hand puppets ticklebug and glove variety; we carrysimply modeled but stunning pull-strinMarionette puppets; we even have a coumarotte-style beauties. My concern is ththe Bunraku movement and all light andbased puppetry are tragically underreprein our inventory I pledge to right thisbefore the semester is over.

Huang also said he encourages queand comments from students, staff, and fThe main message is that I want everyo

volvedBookshe sainot jpart oe r y o

educait cashouldplace puppesold.

Them a nalso that other pus have oppoties to

case their ozationall abo

Bookstore has nothing of the kind. Theers have a concert; Renegade puts on oplays; it only makes sense that the Boowould have a puppet show. He has beguing money for a production that he will in April. I wont give it all away, but Idivadlo tradition. He chuckled to himsthink you all know what that means.

New Bookstore Manager Enthsiastic About Books, Puppe

Student Sitting Behind You AtCreditors

Barely Understands By Dingo RockefellerHILL THEATER The student sitting behindyou at last weekends production ofCreditorsby August Strinberg was almost completely-duction. Despite capable acting, clear direc-tion, and a reasonably straightforward plot,the student behind you had only the vaguestinkling of the cause and effect of the theatricalworld before him.

He cant walk, he whispered early inthe production, shortly after Adolf, one ofthe plays three main characters, picked up acrutch to travel into a chair. He needs a cane.

Later, in scene three, the student sitting be-

hind you audibly gasped, Ohh, he wawife! in reference to a plot point that yoover twenty minutes previously.

As interactions between Tekla and hhusband heated up, the student an arms lbehind you murmured, Uh oh, her husbbehind the door, possibly hoping to sharevelation with any theatergoers in the imate vicinity who had missed the momentAdolf had said Ill hide behind the doorthen, in full view of the audience, hiddehind said door.

Reports that the student sitting behinat Creditors will be writing the review fo

Kenyon Collegian

tudent Perspectivesy Pat Macalister 10

Holy. Crap. Youguys, have youseen what theyhave at the Hearthtoday? As if thatstation couldnt get

any homier, theyhave Fresh BakedBread(!) Its likeregular bread, onlytotally different, be-cause while regularbread is a mixture

nd water and leavening and that special ingre- aped and sometimes has cheese in it.her night, I was skeptical. Until now, Ive al-ays been OK with Normal Bread (which, bye way, now tastes like a combination of ce-ent and demon tears) but Ive never been a

uge fan.But this stuff is different. I mean, three kindsbutter?! Even cinnamon?! No way! If regular

utter is ambrosia, this butter is ambrosia withightly more cinnamon! I want to slather it allver my face.

ETRACTION:

our previous issue, contributor Luther Honey-ucket reported on a boll weevil plague in Knoxounty. The plague in question actually occured1923, in Georgia. We apologize for the confu-

on.

dditionally, a piece from our editorial sectionported that the movie Tooth Fairy was a heart-arming romp suitable for all ages. We sincere-apologize for the error.

The Kenyon Bookstore displays a new decor theme.

FRESH BREAD! WHOOPEE!

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Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.11