Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.5

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.5

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Philanders Most sPlendiferous sourceof newsand GossiP. Vol. 4, issue 5 noVeMber 2, 2011

Sterile Meryl

AC In yet another Gambier nail-er, the Kenyon Lords Football squadut out the Kenyon Ladies Rugbym this weekend with a score of2 million to zero during the annualnyon College Board of Trusteesdget allocation meeting. The annualstee summit, which took place lastturday afternoon, was a climacticment for the hardworking football

m, representing the culmination ofir fall training season. This decisivetory over the Kenyon Ladies Rugbyam comes as a much-needed boostboth morale and the Lords win-lossord.This is the one game a year west cant lose, said Head Coachcky McGuire in a statement after

boards nal approval, no matterw poorly we recruit. We spent alll working towards this: being givenney, spending that money, nding

w ways to siphon even more money.re, some other programs may beually productive or personally en-hing for their members. But in thed all we had to do was rely on our

fundamentals: our distantly historiclegacy, the culture of central Ohio,and a powerful network of alumni. GoLords!

In her opening remarks Saturday,College President S. Georgia Nugentopened the weekends competitionwith a review of the current nancialclimate and a state of the Endow-

ment address. Following that, thefootball and rugby teams dove into a

no-holds-barred match for budget su-premacy, covering topics ranging from

jersey and hotel room payments toaccess to trainers and injury rehabili-tation. From the beginning, the Lordsfootball team surged ahead, combiningtheir powerfully entrenched preferredstatus with an almost graceful disdainfor the very notion of womens rugby.

the kenyon collegiate

ords Football Beats Ladies Rugby $2.2 Million to 0

Clams Casino

IRCE HALL Satan, Lord of Fliesued a statement last Wednesday an-uncing just how impressed he was

AVIs 1084-pound geneticallydied pumpkin Gourdzilla andability to commit each and everythe Seven Deadly Sins.Im not usually impressed by in-mate objects, confessed Satan.he Katadesmos Tablet is noth- more than . . . eh. But this, thisurdzilla, I was simply shocked bypower. When I saw it at it full size,y, I nearly fell off my throne!Satan cited avarice as the sin thatt brought the $1400 gourd to hisst malicious attention, although its the sheer gluttony of the giantmpkin that really won him over.I watched it slurp up those sweetces from the earth since it was just

a sproutling, continued Satan. Itswrath revealed itself when it suckedthe water out of the other gourdson the farm, causing a genocide ofCucurbita maxima. To see that itsgrown to become such an excessivedisplay of wealth just warms the ab-scess where my heart should be. Andwhats more, the $1400 it cost wasmoney some scholarship student willno longer receive, and what could bebetter than that?

Gourdzillas gluttonous naturedovetails with its sloth its immensesize demands that a team of vepumpkin-moving professionals hoistit onto a litter just to travel a shortdistance.

The full scope of Gourdzillas ma-levolent intent revealed itself when itwas placed in Peirce Servery, stated

ourdzilla Commits All Seven Deadly SinsBy Billy Hughes

OLD KENYON All remaining in-nocence left in freshman Mikey Gru-ant was quickly squashed on Saturdaynight after he witnessed an awkwardand sudden dance-oor hook-up,sources reported. The ngerblasting inquestion reportedly occurred betweensophomore Kelly Ranger, dressed asArnold from Hey Arnold!, and juniorSam Trapper, dressed as Wishbone thedog, both from popular 1990s childrentelevision shows.

I was about to shout Hey Block-head at her, said an still shaken Gru-ant, But then I realized that Wishbonehad his hands up Arnolds sweater.I thought maybe Arnold was cold orsomething, I dont know.

But Arnolds face just told me ev-erything I didnt want to know aboutWishbones paws, added Gruant.

Witnesses report that dressed in an elaborate and homOptimus Prime costume, dancing and stared at the nging couple before ripping hiboard costume off of his borunning from the building. I s

leave, said Vivian Baxter 1was screaming something abounal remnants of his being beiin a tryst between his idols.

Gruant, who reminisced watching Wishbone with his mother after returning homeschool as a child, said that the

Continued on page 2. Continued on page 3.

InsIdeThIs Issue

Continued on page 2.

After their game, the Lords were warmly received.

Old Kenyon Halloween Destroys Childhood Innoc

Arnolds face just told

everything I didnt wanto know about Wishbonpaws.

Market All Out O Go

Stuf

Hillel House WaterBottle Traded For EcHouse Hair Pin

Gods Precious Lie-Giving Water Poured Peirce Waste Bucket


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orth Campuspartments Tragicallyuined By Rain

AMBIER All six of the newrth Campus Apartments currentlyder construction were ruined by

n this weekend, college sources saidonday. Construction workers at thee, who just days earlier had declared

apartments on track for a Januaryening, were reportedly distraughton nding their hard work com-tely messed up by damage fromweekends intermittent showers.

We got to the site and everybodys like, Oh, man! No! said Gus

atthews, project supervisor for thew apartments. All the stuff wasmpletely screwed up. The housesre all soaking wet, Daves bulldozermuddy because it was outside

re talking about serious destructione. Our works gonna be set back byeast two, maybe three months. Andts assuming it doesnt rain again.Obviously, this is an unexpectedmplication in our constructionns, said College President S. Geor-Nugent. We had no reason to be-

ve that it might rain, or that that rainght fall all over our new apartmentsd completely wreck everything.wever, the college is committed toishing what we started. Weve al-

ready got our construction crews backto work, and weve taken extra pre-cautions to ensure that things will runsmoothly from here on out.

Just as long as it doesnt startsnowing, she added.

Student Does Reading,

Wins ClassTIMBERLAKE HOUSE Jes-sica Perhlman 14 completed all thereading for her IPHS seminar thisThursday and proceeded to dominatethe class like a fucking champ. Thereading consisted of like 300 pagesof Thucydides and this really longPDF, said Perhlman, and yet she n-ished it and took detailed notes.

I just fucking powered throughit last night at Middle Ground, shesaid. I was there for like six hours.Perhlman reportedly took over sevenpages of notes and, in a totally badass

move, color-coded them by theme.Perhlman arrived in class condent

that she had absorbed more of the in-formation than her classmates. I waslike, look, no ones gonna read thisshit, so this is my chance to kick thisseminar in the balls, she said. Sureenough, her classmates remainedrelatively silent while Perhlman an-swered every single question cor-rectly and eloquently, utterly fuckingobliterating the competition.

Well, I encourage everyone to

participate, so I dont really think ofclass as a competition, said Assis-tant Professor of Humanities Doug-las Kashian, who teaches Perhlmansseminar, but yeah, [Perhlman] de-nitely won.

Chef Claire Announces

Her Favorite Meal IsBrunchPEIRCE Last Friday morning,AVI Executive Chef Claire Huron-Felsworth announced that her favor-ite meal is brunch. Huron-Felsworthpromulgated her meal of choice inresponse to a question placed in thecomment card box by an anony-mous inquirer. In a series of stapled-together cards she scrawled a tender,nuanced reply. Included were a listof reasons she loves brunch, a short

lyric poem about brunch, and anemphatic, extra-lettered declarationwhich read, I lovveee brunnnch!

She also sketched a bagel sand-wich, a bowl of honey-drizzled yo-gurt, and herself, all surrounded bycartoon hearts. Her concluding re-marks provided enthusiastic supportfor brunch, its being not-too-late,not-too-early in the day, a great blendof breakfast and lunch, and just gen-erally a lot of fun. I


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Southelby Eggulstein,ncerned Student

low students, the other day I heardme news that ew to me on terribleions, as upon the blackened wingsGothmog, Balrog Lord of the Firste. I didnt want to believe it at rst,t after eavesdropping on some foot-lers in the servery, I have no choicet to conclude that our very ownrn Gallery has sunk so low as to asks Racists to come perform at ournter concert. Concert hah! Moree Winter Klancert, if you ask me.I take umbrage at this for severalsons: rst, the wonderful and elo-ent language of the Iberians oughtt to be corrupted and perverted

nefarious use by these postmod-n hatemongerers. Second, what is

Horn trying to prove with thisnsense? I didnt understand theirgic in bringing a NASCAR drivercome talk to us, nor did I under-nd their trying to stage one of

akespeares least popular tragedies

(hello, this is why we have the BlackBox?) in the Horn, but this just takesthe cake. To the Horn: if youre tryingto be edgy and make a statementby bringing Deez Racists to spreadtheir ignorance, please, just stop.You won Student Organization of the

Year; why are you tainting everythingthat hallowed award stands for? Thatwould be like if Luke Skywalker toldthe Rebel Alliance to suck his Jediknob when they awarded him, HanSolo, and Chewbacca medals forstopping the Death Star from destroy-ing Yavin IV!

But if no one else is concernedby this horrid turn of events, I will

be Gambiers Elric of Melnibon,striding forth to do battle against theforces of evil with a heavy heart andthe Byronic Heros grim manner ofinevitability. So Im going to issue anultimatum: either these racists go, orIll be forced to destroy the corruptGallery as an avenging Guy Fawkes,unloved and unmourned by the igno-rant and hard of heart. Its a heavyburden, but one I bear with pride Iwont stand idly by while Del Racistand his band of miscreants rape LadyLiberty with their hate and slander.

Its your move now, Racist. Come

ght me if you dare.

acists At The Horn? Not On MyWatch!

pinion

By A Broad

Well dont you look fancy today.Those are some handsome boots yougot there. Bet they cost you a prettypenny. You know, I looked like youonce. Long, cascading blond hair,tiny waist, dewy skin, the works.Men came knocking down my doorevery Friday night to get a piece ofthis. Papa had to practically drivethem off the porch with his huntingrie. They always came back, though,and thats why I have all these damnkids, but thats another story. Youreonly young and pretty once, so getyour kicks while you still have thatfast metabolism working overtimefor you, because in ten years all thoseCran-Apple mixed drinks and strom-bolis are gonna go straight to your ass.My gure went from Claudia Schiffer

to Jack Nicholson in The Bucket List

in a matter of months, let me twhats what.

Oh, and those nights of dwith your best girlfriends? HSweetheart. Youll be workilate shift at Ruby Tuesdays sout of the week to pay for cos

ogy school unless you get ytogether. Are you even listeme? Im giving you pearls of wover here, so hush it. Jesus, Icigarette. Dont start smokiney. Take it from me. I had a vosilk back in the day. Now I cup a ight of stairs without hlike an asthmatic sailor with wing cough.

And another thing, Id stopming your little toes into thostilettos every weekend. Justing about it makes my bunionThose heels may make youlook sexy now, but come theforty your feet will look like tlong on that dwarf from that Tnovel. What, you think just bewax eyebrows for a living thatknow books? You may go to atoity liberal arts college, but I the School of Hard Knocks, alessons they teach there areway more than two hundred

Missy.

Notes From A Broad

Men came knocking domy door every Friday nto get a piece of this.

Halloween, from pagGirl Trying Weirdly Hard To Be SexyChase Counterweight

IRCE HALL Sources aroundmpus reported this week that juniorta Bayard has been trying too hard topear outwardly sexually appealingher daily life. Witnesses complainedt her style of dress has become bothestionable and bafingly impracti-

as the seasons have shifted.Last week I saw her wearing andress, said Peter Crover 12. Itscking November! Theres barelyen any sun!Crover also reported that he has

en Bayard wearing denim shorts andhnets on weekday afternoons goingand from class.I heard someone once saw heraring a midriff sweatshirt with tas-boots, said Samantha Macbee 15.nd I swear she treats rainy days liker own one-woman wet T-shirt con-t.

Sources around campus have re-ported that their ire is not limited toBayards style of dress, but is alsogreatly inuenced by her daily inter-actions with the Kenyon populace.Described as both awkward and un-successful by her peers, Bayards

so-called sexy mannerisms leadto many unwanted engagements andmisunderstandings.

Shes always biting her lip, com-mented Ronald Brainerd 13, butnot, like, in a pensive way. In, like, aI wanna have my way with you righthere, right now way.

I dont want any of that at all,added Brainerd.

Students have conrmed that Ba-

yard often looks towards passersbywith what has been described as aunwanted come-hither attitude. Onesource, wishing to remain anonymous,complained that Bayard often ap-proaches him while he eats. He report-ed that when she tries to seductivelylean over to talk to him, her jewelryoften falls into his chalupa, calling her

behavior irritating and unsettling atbest.Others, however, were more force-

ful in their criticism, complaining thather phallic treatment of anything rang-ing from a pencil to a fried zucchinistick makes social interactions all butimpossible. Shes just, like, rubbing itall over her face, said Emma Howard12, It makes me wonder if shes evereven seen one in real life.

Bayard could not be reached forcomment, but was last seen pressingher breasts against the sneeze guard ofsalad bar.

Either these racists go, orIll be forced to destroy theGallery.

ence was chilling down to hiand that he never thought a would affect him so deeply. Ilook at anything the same agaported Gruant. In my mind, Aattic lair has been forever turna secret harem of lust and besti

Friends of the now tainted sport that they have seen markedes in his daily behavior and appefrom replacing his tie-dye scamp T-shirts with sober buttto religiously quoting Joseph C

Heart of Darkness in daily cotions with friends. I cant evenhim anymore, said friend Derelin 15 of Gruants changes. Yederstand that Im mortal and sowill die. Please stop saying that

Gruant reported that he wouly continue on with his life afting his mind opened to the crueperversity of human nature, buprobably take up smoking so might t in a little better.

Bayards so-called sexy

mannerisms lead to manyunwanted engagements andmisunderstandings.


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Ground LeveL

Smokehouse or curing meat and sh

Classroom and seminar room (both withsuspected nuclear capabilities)

Reptile hut

Poorly organized collection o abnormal

human skulls Captains quarters

Vomitorium

Second FLoor

Gallery (with padded walls to ensure visi-tor saety)

Battle room (zero-gravity)

Sweat lodge (or gallery unctions)

Make-out room

BaSement

Meat reezer

Discotheque

Situation room (with projector!)

SpeciaL FeatureS

Water-resistant

Phthalate-ree

Paramedics on duty

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Special Report:Gund Gallery Amenities

Ricardo Carrigano

RELEAVEN HOUSE, ETC. Lastednesday during a break for his So-logy of Coatrooms seminar, seniorrnon Murworth accomplished deedslookers described as Homeric, ti-ic, and totally epic.Murworth sprang from his seat andt the front door of Treleaven House

9:05 p.m. with the majestic in mind.Reported sightings were many andried. He was rst seen bounding fromoftop to rooftop of the Freshmenuad. Recalled Gund Hall residentwn Brennan 15, I was just walkinger to a friends room in Lewis whenaw something pass over my head. I

ought it was, like, a huge bat.Norton resident Anna Watson 15 re-

embers hearing a sustained whoop-g followed by a resounding thud from

something hitting the ceiling of hersecond-oor room.

The senior sociology major transi-tioned to climbing the exterior of Ca-ples, reaching the ninth oor with whateyewitness Bernie Rutman 13 calledimpeccably spider-like grace. Rut-man attempted to follow Murworthsnext action but lost track of him afterhe had reached the pinnacle of the high-

rise.Murworth apparently moved south-ward, as he caught the eyes of bench-sitting couple Jeanie Highmen 14 andRick Roquefort 12. Highmen andRoquefort were sitting together onMiddle Path when they looked towardthe Gates of Hell and saw a guy jug-gling three benches, sometimes justwith one hand. Roquefort continued,Then he sprinted past us and nextthing we knew he was standing on the

poles with those dancing angel stat-ues in front of Rosse.

A Murworth sighting also oc-curred behind Bexley apartments,where witnesses heard loud rustlingand struggling noises coming fromthe wooded area behind the complex.Said junior Delia Freeman, who wasat the benches adjacent to the scene,This dude came out between two

trees with blood on his mouth and thisvelvety stuff in his handsboth ofwhich Im pretty sure once belongedto a male deer.

Murworth returned to TreleavenHouse at 9:10 p.m., with a slightsweat on his brow and a ginger alein his hand. When asked on Fridayto comment on the validity of his in-credible actions, he gave a wry smileand a nonchalant, Yes.

enior Accomplishes Epic Deeds During Seminar Break

By Ambrosia Sweetwater

FINN HOUSE Due to anwhelming number of applicat

last semesters ction writinges, the Kenyon English Depaadded a new course to the semesters offerings. AccordKenyons current writer-dence and ction writing proBob Humbug, many submused pre-existing characterother famous literary workseven the same plot lines.

I gured someone had actally turned in a paper on the Rings, then I thought,when did Frodo and Sam eveup in Two Towers? I did aSparkNotes skimming and cnd a love scene anywherGoogle did lead me to a fanweb page called Frodo an4EVR: The True Story, and

hit me.There were many more s

sions like this one, Humbplained. Fiona Dorf 12, suban excerpt from her unnisheel, Fangs and Prejudice, a over fan ction piece that wa tumultuous romance betweward Cullen, of the popular Tseries, and Elizabeth Bennethe classic Jane Austen noveand Prejudice. I hope I gDorf said. No one realizes hthe audience is for vampire-romance literature. I can prov

all wrong and satisfy the imaginations of girls and boerywhere.

Im going to need a scoget through this seminar Wednesday night, Humbusnufng his cigar out on aof Shakespeare-inspired ssions. Hamlet re-imagined1940s hard-boiled crime he scoffed. Not in your dreams, kid.

English DepartmTo Offer Fan FicWriting Class

An illustration included with a ction

Kenyon recently celebrated the grand opening of Gund Gallery, and this week e Colle-giate brings you an inside look at the new building, floor by floor.


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By Francisco Ignacio de la Francisco

GASKIN AVE Last Thursday af-ternoon, Nadia Fuerza 14 was walk-ing on Middle Path headed towardSouth campus. Everything seemedne. The leaves were crunching andthe gravel turning beneath her feet,crisp air lling her lungs.

Yet, when she looked at the roadahead she saw a squirrel attened tothe asphalt. This brief and terribleglance reportedly ruined her wholeday. When asked for comment, Fuer-

za replied its getting run over wasa completely and utterly selsh ges-ture.

Having stayed up all night to n-ish a paper for Douches and Duch-esses, the sophomore English/Historydouble major was on her way to in-dulge in some therapeutic bookstoreice cream. However, as she passedby McBride Residence Hall, her eyes

caught the sordid sight of the squirrelin what she called its eternal, narcis-sistic repose. A normally put-togeth-er and forgiving person, Fuerza couldnot abide this display so indifferent tothe feelings of others, much less herown.

So distracted by her disgust, shebypassed the bookstore and wentstraight to Peirce in order to catch alate lunch. While she tried to move onfrom this traumatic incident of inter-species indifference, Fuerza couldnot overcome the moment. Accord-

ing to friends, at lunch, aftergling to twirl her angel-hair pathrew down her fork suddenlyBraider 13, a friend of the asophomore, remembered, th

just looked at her plate and mindiscernible obscenities. It wally quite disturbing.

Continued Braider, I alwthose little shits running hoarding nuts and climbing tbeing all resourceful. But its othemselves. And then one has to go and get run over? On thstreet no less? Sheesh.

Fuerza showed signs of beto recover from the squirrelgression. She even gave ovto one day being able to forgsquirrel for its misdeed, buclearly stated that it wouldnttime soon.

Billy Hughes

ORN GALLERY Two weekendso many people mistook a life-sav- act of heroism as an awkward and

nky hookup at the Doomdaze rave.Emily Buck 15, who attended the

ve with several friends, and whoffers from both high blood pressured a cardiac arrhythmia, reportedling some slight chest pains as shet Lewis Hall to attend the rave.Shortly after moving onto the

nce oor, witness reported thatck began to become sweaty andet as a heart attack began to set in.mily was so adorably awkward ondance oor, said Brittany Alpert

out Bucks sudden loss of con-ousness. She seemed like she wasving fun but then things got weird.As Buck began to fall, sophomorelen Prior rushed to Bucks side inattempt to stabilize the then-un-

nscious Buck. After assessing theuation as minor myocardial infarc-n, Prior reportedly began adminis-ing cardiopulmonary resuscitation,CPR.

It was so weird, said Ellennd 15. She was just sorta danc- around and then some guy just

abbed her and started, like, suckingher face.He was a big creep, added Randscribing Prior, who is a volunteereghter and certied in CPR by thed Cross of America.Though some looked at the inter-ion with disgust, not all of Bucksends reported as having such ad-rse reactions to the CPR. Someortedly praised the normally shy

and reserved girl for letting loose andhaving a little fun while she was,in fact, suffering from a possibly fa-tal loss of blood ow to her heart andbrain.

Then the guy just, like, startedgroping her chest, recounted TeaganPlatt 14 about Priors revitalizingchest compressions. I was just like,Oh my GOD, take a chill pill, man.

After several reportedly tense min-utes accompanied by Lady GagasEdge of Glory, Buck regained con-sciousness due to Priors timely and

life-saving CPR.I didnt like the look of it at all,commented Marissa Ward 15. Hewas really taking advantage of her,and she was like putty in his arms.

Hes no good for her, addedWard, after Prior had in fact savedBucks life from an almost certaindeath.

At press time Bucks friends werestill way grossed out by Priors ac-tions and postulated that they shouldtotally le a restraining orderagainst him.

Selfish Run-Over Squirrel Ruins Sophomores Dance Floor CPR Mistaken For Hookup

The squirrel, selshly dec

Its getting run over was acompletely and utterly self-ish gesture.

oint/Counterpoint

The dance oor, only moments before the incident.

ro, Im Really Drunk. Take Me Home. Bro, Im Really Trying To Stay At This Pa Carl Berndorff Yo, I need to go now. I drank too

much.I feel sick, bro. Take me back to

our room. I went too hard in the paint.Sorry for partying. I will ght all

of everyone.I think this is throwup. Did I throw

up?Is this blood? Why is my ear

bleeding? Yo, lets go.That girl wants me, maybe I should

stay. No, we have to go. Im just go-ing to sleep for a second.

No, I cant. I need to stay awake.Why did I drink this much? I want

to die.No one drink that punch! Ev-

eryone, you guys are the worst.Nooooooo, Im ne, dont call GoodSamaritan.

By Jason Carndell-Thompson Really? Youre too drunk?on man, Im not trying to go

just hit rebuttal in pong, and tis here.

Two minutes ago you werethat you go hard in the paint aI was a lightweight. You actu

me when I refused to take a shyou.

Chill, thats probably not Its just like salsa or something

Oh shit, that is throwuplike cover it with your jackshouldnt leave yet. Besides, that girl over there wants you.

You should stay. Dont leandude. Dude, you cant go to slmy shoulder. Im playing poncalling Good Samaritan.


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CollegIaTe sTaf

Lila . . . . . . . . Charlie Nadine . . . . Beauregard BeaMiss Slovak . . . . . . . Clams Curly . . . . . . . . . Roy McKJamie O. . . . . . . Gunderson TTorvald . . . . . . . . . . . Boat Eugene . . . Barker D. FluBrainy . . . . . Pumpy Ruth . . . . . . . . . . . . . Billy Mr. Simmons . . . . . . Clifford Sheena . . . . . . Ichabod TRhonda . . . Lady Beatriz C. HiOlga . . . . . . . Patty OFWheezin Ed . . Ruth ThundercatErnie . . . . . . Ambrosia SweHolder . . . . . . . . . Ricardo CaAbner . . . . . . Button GRex . . . . . . . . . . Sterile Sid . . . . . . Jeffrey C

Consultant . . . . . . . . Dino S

Interns . . . . Arnie, Stella, Mitzi, Phil,

Founder/Editor Emeritus . . .

Francis Albert Victor Nicholaslegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of

KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE,

Ichabod Townley

AMBIER Kenyon campus erupt-into a urry of activity this Sunday

ening when, at 8:34, the last minuteally arrived. Gripped by a commonnse of urgency, students and facultyke began and brought to completionndreds of projects which had been

off until the last minute.

Eric Malt 12, a seasoned procras-ator, was unprepared for the lastnute when it arrived. I think itk us all by surprise, Malt reportedm Gund Commons, which at 12:30embled the trading oor of a Newrk Stock Exchange. You alwaysnk you have more time, then sud-nly its the last minute and youve

a 20-page paper to write on a 300-ge novel you havent read. But hey,ts what Wikipedias for. Now, ifull excuse me, I think I see an openmputer.Some students seemed less con-ned about the arrival of the last min-. Art student Cooper Truck 13 was

und smoking outside Bexley Hallen the last minute was reached. Illt throw some shit on there and call

it abstract, said Truck, referring to the10-square-foot painting expected forthe critique on Monday morning. Youknow, like, whatever.

Sundays activities were not limitedto school work either. Several staff andfaculty members who were waitinguntil the last minute to lead fullling

lives suddenly booked plane tickets toidyllic European cities, bent on takinga journey of self-discovery and ndingthat special someone.

Now that the all-nighter is over,many students are reevaluating theirtime management skills. Next timeI wont wait till the last minute to getstarted, said Hannah Bronart 14. Imean, its just not worth all the stressand ooohh, Storage Wars is on Net-ix? No way!

ast Minute Reached

You always think you have

more time, then suddenly itsthe last minute and youvegot a 20-page paper to writeon a 300-page novel youhavent read.

By Charlie Adams

FINN HOUSE Kenyon CollegeWriter-In-Residence P.F. Kluge hasrefused to take off his witch costumein the four days since he donned itto celebrate Halloween, sources re-

port. Those close to Kluge said that achildlike sense of mirth and mischiefpossessed the author and professor assoon as he unwrapped the costume,which consists of a hat, gown, andprosthetic nose, on Saturday evening.In the days since, Professor Kluge,widely considered a gruff and severepresence on campus, has instead at-tended to his teaching and advisingduties with what one student de-scribed as a spring in his step, and atwinkle in his eye.

We thought it was a little weirdwhen he showed up in costume on

Tuesday, said Kelly Stefferman 13,a student in Kluges Intro. to FictionWriting seminar. But the truth is hewas a lot nicer than usual. Like, dur-

ing break he asked me if I any eye of newt for my coffegrabbed my Cup Noodles aaround the room cackling theest stew, the newt-iest brew!

Oh-oh, whats this? Kluge when contacted by Thlegiate. Somesuch sneaky shade, come to pluck my th

away? Or might you be an tion, conjured by my own conThis Ill tell you, nothing morehours, two til four.

Joyful P.F. Kluge Still HasnTaken Off Witch Costume

Roy McKluskin

AMBIER Craig Adams 13 ad-tted Friday to having mistakenlyumed that his copious acne, physi-awkwardness, sexual ineptitude

d general moistness were all theult of an adolescent awkward pe-d rather than dening characteris-s of his person.I assumed that the chubbiness and skin problems would get better af-I graduated high school or at leastrt to fade by the time I was a soph-

more, Adams said, but insteadyve continued to hang around.e American studies major also re-rted striking out with women, con-uing to buy ill-tting, brand-namedangled clothing and being unableconduct himself in an appropriatenner during formal events. His fa-rite book continues to be Catcherthe Rye in spite of gaining a widerposure to both American and Brit-

Literature in the last three years,d reports he often spends most of day reading xkcd.He expressed concern, stating, Illy thought that at some point Iuld learn not to leave food in my

om for example, he said, but theret banana peel pile sits, amongst my

cks, proving me wrong every daygraduation draws nearer.His parents report being similarly

bafed. I thought Craigys moodswings were just something we weregoing to have to ride out, claimedMrs. Adams. Turns out hes justkind of an asshole.

Ive realized that Im not eventhat interested in college, her sonsaid, explaining that answering thebig questions never really appealedto him and that hed rather hang outat the mall for prolonged periods oftime than attend his classes. And amI the only one whos okay with Peircefood? he asked. I mean, I mostlysubsist off pizza and sour gummycandy anyway.

The one difference is that I smokeand drink now now. Thats pretty cooland adult if you think about it, headded, raising a Kool Mild to his lips

and taking a sip from a red cup thatcontained a mixture of all the boozehe could nd in his roommates clos-ets. ( The key is to take a little fromeach bottle so they cant tell you

jacked it!)According to sources close to the

junior, Adams only recently realizedhis incompetence was lasting, some-thing they had long suspected. Hisface just never molded into a pleas-ing shape, noted Lydia Tonk 13.He has baby fat on his cheeks andstayed gangly everywhere else. Notto mention the rosacea that he neverbothered to treat.

Sources say that the most confus-ing part of this is that Adams was al-legedly a pretty cute kid.

General Hideousness Mistaken For Puberty

Craig, on an exceptionally good hair day.

Everything weve ever pu its not good enough! WerWere really sorry. Its just, gonit! None of it is ever good enoher. And she reads it all, sittinwith that look that says she juit, she hates it and shes goingus just as soon as she nishes it, and you just want to rip it ouhands and say, stop it!

Retractions

Kluge, mirthfully conducting

Documents

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.5