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Parents have a choice and the power to heal.
It’s healing for both the parents and the children to learn new ways of interacting.
What We’ll Learn Today
Unwrapping Child Behavior
A Physiological Approach
Thinking about the effect of communication on the child’s BODY
The child’s brain is seeking the same level of intensity. When it reaches that level, it is highly rewarding of the behavior.
Section 1
The Institute of Heartmath The heart is responsive to emotional input. The heart has its own neurological system and it sends
messages to the brain!
How is the Heart Involved?
Sunshine of our loveWater of positivity for good behavior
Fertilizer of teaching values
Care of the Organism
When you … I feel … because …
Your power is in the positives.
Strengthening neural pathways increases the behavior you WANT.
Heartfelt Appreciation
Punishment has three results:
Temporary stoppage of the behavior
The need to retaliate
Fear
Why doesn’t punishment work?
Judge, Blame, Punish Cycle
We were all raised based on this model.
Society is oriented this way, too.
Decreases fear for you
Joins the child where he/she lives.
Honors your relationship.
Slows you both down.
Staying in the Present Moment
What is individuation?
Ask questions rather than issue directives.
Show sincere interest in his/her interests, friends, issues.
Support the Child’s Individuation
Plan for pregnancy, birth, and parenting.
Respond with sensitivity.
Use nurturing touch.
Engage in nighttime parenting.
Nourishing healthy attachment with infants and young children
Where they didn’t previously exist
More than “catching kids being good.” Watch for successes wherever they may be.
Set up success opportunities
Some kids can’t take positives.
“I know its hard or uncomfortable to hear the good things, but its my job to tell you the good things. Pretty soon you will get used to it.”
Write notes.
Can you think of an example besides talking to get the positive message across?
Opposition to positive input
Say what you love about being in the family.
Each person takes a turn and has as many turns as they need.
Talk until you are finished.
Say what you love about being in the family.
End the meeting.
The Family Meeting
Adds ceremony to your family life. Rewards and reinforces what you want:
listening.
Benefits of the Family Meeting
Build family identity, creating belongingness.
A forum for issues that everyone can use.
Parenting on the “front end” of the behavior.
Benefits of the Family Meeting
Say what you love about being in the family (at the beginning of each meeting.)
Report “like the news” about issues.
Ask for solutions.
Children make the rules.
Second Family Meeting
Include the children in making the list.
It’s their list. You are the
secretaries. At the end, add to
the list.Say, “We might
need to make up rules on the spot.”
Rules
Rules are only discussed when there has been no infraction (give no attention to infractions.)
Rules
“Let’s have a do-over.”-Do-overs are very effective, as they teach the alternative behavior.
-They move you toward the child, instead of away.
What to say …
Don’t start your answer with “no.”
Don’t start your request with the child’s name.
Ask a question.
Avoid Triggering Opposition
You have had the second family meeting.
The rules are posted.
The do-overs have been rehearsed when there is no infraction.
You have switched roles to rehearse.
Do not use do-overs until …
“Did you see what your baby brother just did? What do you think he will do next?”
Use do-overs whenever you can.
Redirect very young kids.