Le Petit Pont Fascicule Outils Professionnels En

How to help the family?

THE IMPACTS OF SEPARATION

LE PETIT PONT- NOVEMBRE 2013 1

The aims of this document

With this booklet, the Petit Pont hopes to provide support to the professional who may ask himself questions when faced

with a parent or a child who is experiencing difficulties in the context of a separation.

We are aware that each of you has a role and a different intervention context depending on the mandate assigned to you.

That is why we are offering you some general tools relating to the possible needs or difficulties of the parent or child. .

Through these tools, we seek to:

Normalize the separation context to the eyes of all concerned

Eliminate the feeling of guilt in the child who may feel responsible for the situation

Make both the parent and the child see that it is possible to adapt to separation and that it is not as

difficult as one might think

Make the information simple enough for a child to clearly understand what is happening and what is going to

happen to him

Help the professional (or the parent) to talk about separation to a 3 to 7 year-old child.


The Child

When the child appears

When the child appears, the family circle

Applauds loudly

His gentle look which shines

Makes all eyes sparkle

And the saddest brows, the most soiled perhaps,

Suddenly lose their furrows at the sight of the perfect child

Innocent and happy.

Victor Hugo 1802 - 1885

Victor Hugo, 1802-1885


THE CHILD: SUMMARY

What to say and what to do with the child ?...............................................................p. 1

Bibliography for children ....................................... ..................p. 7


What to say / what to do with the child

Help to understand the

separation

- Reassure the child :

o Tell him that its not his fault if Mama and Papa are no longer in love o Tell him that they will still love him as much o Mention that its a situation that happens and that his isnt the only one like this. It is

also important to maintain a fair balance in order to be attentive to his needs and not separate him from the group by overdoing attention to him.

- Explain the changes o Explain who is coming to get him: use visual aids: calendar, different colored

bracelets depending if the child is going with Mama or Papa, pictures on the wall, stickers on the hand or clothes, tattoo on the hand, etc.

o Explain that he is going to have two houses. To facilitate attachment to the new house, say Youre going with Papa/Mama to Papa / Mamas house

Reorganization

- Consolidate the childs milieu and routine: the child may be unsettled for a short period, especially at changes of custody, mealtime or rest periods. Suggest a tool that could help him such as pictograms, a calendar (of transfers or his behavior), or a security object for bedtime etc. He can also be requested to find his own tool.

- Help the child adapt to his space: o Have him draw his room at Mama / Papas house o Have him make an illustrated list of things he would like to have with him


Communication

- Openness, availability - Adapt to the childs language level - Respect the childs rhythm; dont force communication or introduce feelings related to our own interpretations.

- Use pictures or pictograms if necessary - Reinforce the childs self confidence; congratulate good behavior, give him a feeling of

responsibility by assigning him tasks suited to his age - Communicate through games / drawing /puppets: If the child is not ready to talk about his

emotions or the separation, games will let the child release his emotions that he is unable to identify. We can then suggest that he draw his new house, his family or play at what he would do if he was the parent.

Family recomposition

- If the child states what is not clear to him: sister vs step-sister, step-mother etc, explain verbally or by a drawing (ex: Draw a family tree)

- If the child feels that he is losing his place or that the isnt room for everyone, suggest that the child make an object that he could put in his room or in a corner just for him; help him make a decoration of sorts that that he can put over his bed like a picture for example. Or perhaps a toy box, or a treasure box things that are precious to him

Short circuiting the risks of

parental alienation

- In the event that the child denigrates the other parent, or his activities with him, unjustifiably, suggest that he name, write or draw at least one thing that he enjoyed with or without the other parent when he was at his/ her place (allows to bring out that there was nevertheless some pleasure at his parents place)

- Same proposals as for maintaining the connection (p. 11)


When the day didnt go so

well...

To suggest : - Before bedtime, draw or write, on a little card, one thing that went well during his day. - Do a feel-good activity (sport, game, see friends, etc.) - Write what he feels in a diary

To have done :

- Close the eyes and take 3 deep breaths - Make a laugh bag: put funny objects in it and then pull one out or have the child pull one

out - Make a stuffed toy talk to encourage the child or make him laugh - Fill a spray bottle with positive water and spray some on the child or yourself to ward off

the negative - Inflate, or have the child inflate, a balloon while thinking about troubles then let it go - Find a joke or funny picture every day or once a week and stick it up.


Books for children

Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by Laurie Kransy Brown, Laurie Krasny Brown, Marc Brown, 1988,

32 p. (Child from 3 years)

Internet sites for children

http://www.familieschange.ca/index_fr.htm (Understanding separation, children and adolescents)

http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/toolkits/divorce (Toolkit to adapt itself to the separation

or family recomposition)

Bibliography intended for children


The parent

At one time we lived side by side. Later we

were back to back. An now, here we are, face

to face.

Sacha Guitry, 1992


THE PARENT : SUMMARY

What to say and do with the parent?....................................................................................... p. 10

Parental and co-parental authority .......................................................................................... p. 12

List of resource organizations .................................................................................................. p. 14

Bibliography for parents ............................................................................................................ p. 17


What to say and do with the parent?

Help to understand the

separation

- Propose resources : help groups, organizations, etc

- Provide book and internet site references

Reorganization

- Remain indulgent and , when needed, support the parent in the reorganization of his/her daily routine: possibility of beiong late, forgetting the childs clothes etc

- Suggest tools that can assist the parent: make oneself a calendar or a written routine stuck on the wall or the refrigerator door; refer to a pictogram internet site for children; explain the importance of consolidating the childs milieu.

Communication

- Do not become involved in the conflicts; always keep the childs interests in mind

- Advise the parent of any changes either verbally or in the agenda

- Parental authority is the same for each parent, regardless of the type of custody: ideally, provide any information about the child to both parents.

Family recomposition

- Inform the parent of questions raised by the child

- Suggest tools : a drawing of the family, family tree, a childs own space, involvement in the decoration, etc.


Help maintain the bond of

attachment with 0 -5 years of age

- If the absent parent so requests, and legally he has the right to: offer the possibility of regular short visits (ex: to give him his bottle, read a story, take a walk) It is, of course, important that the parent understand the group routine in order to lessen the impact on the other children.

- Suggest that each parent allow the child to leave a piece of clothing, a photo or an object at his / her apartment.

Short-circuit the risks of parental

alienation

- Same proposals as for maintaining the bond (above) - In the event that a child unfairly denigrates the other parent or his activities with him /

her, ask the child to name write or draw at least one thing that made him happy with or without his parent (allows bringing out that he still has pleasure at his parents home.)

When the day didnt go well....

- Suggest taking some private time (an outside activity, reading etc.)


Parental authority ensures that the parents (married or not) have the duty and the right to:

- Have custody of their children, watch over them, protect them physically and psychologically, see to their safety

and health, educate them, nourish them and support them.

- Make all necessary decisions for the well-being of their children (dwelling, accept or refuse health care and

expression of religious beliefs)

Following a separation :

- Both parents retain their parental authority. The parent having partial custody loses only the right to custody

and maintains all rights and obligations attributable to parental authority. (ex: education of the children, their

nourishment, health care)

- For all important decisions concerning the children (health, education, and religious choices) the partial custody

parent must be consulted. By the same token, this parent has the right to: consult school report cards; attend

parent-teacher meetings and obtain information concerning the medical care that the children are receiving.

- New spouse: even if this person assumes the role of parent of the children, he or she does not have parental

authority.

In certain exceptional cases (violence, abuse, etc.)

- A parent may be deprived of his or her parental authority

- Only a judge may deprive a parent in part or totally of his or her parental authority.

PARENTAL & COPARENTAL AUTHORITY


Coparentality: The joint exercising of parental authority by the two parents and collaboration which also depends on

the capability of the parents to mutually exchange information concerning the education and health of the children.

* http://www.dictionnaire-juridique.com/definition/coparentalite.php

The ideal coparentality situation : the 10 golden rules of coparentality *http://www.guide-coparentalite.com/

1. Dont make the child chose sides

2. Opt for positive discussion

3. Spare your child the details

4. Dont make your child your messenger

5. Detach yourself from your ex-spouse

6. Establish limits and expectations for your children

7. Remain open to communication

8. Become a responsible adult

9. Help your child establish a sense of confidence and security

10. Learn to bounce back (resilience)


Beloeil

Organizations Activities Coordinates Bonjour Soleil Activities and information sessions for

monoparental or reconstituted families in the Richelieu Valley

450-467-3479

Maison de la Famille de la Valle du Richelieu

Workshops, support groups, stop-over center, activities

450-446-0852 http://www.mfvr.ca/

Les Mres Veilleuses Mutual aid groups for psychologically distressed mothers following the arrival of a baby

450-446-7760

Entre aide pour hommes

Mutual aid group for men in difficulty, violence intervention, individual encounters

450-446-6225 http://ehvr.org/

CAME (Centre dAnimation Mre-Enfant- St-Bruno)

Conferences, theme days, discussion caf, family outings

514-445-5173 http://camestbruno.com/

Ressource famille & Premiers pas

Help and accompaniment in families and pairing services for parents who feel exhausted

450-281-1301

Le Berceau

Support and accompany future new parents: courses, activities, breast-feeding support

450- 446-7760 http://www.leberceau.org/

Index of resource organizations


Longueuil

Organization Activities Coordinates La Maison Tremplin Activities for 0-12 years of age and

parents. Stop-over center, respite center, support and accompaniment

450-442-4019 http://www.maisontremplin.com/

Maison de la famille Lemoyne Respite baby center, mini day-care, educational day care, parents- children activities, parental competence enrichment programs, listening services and references

450-465-3571 http://www.maisondelafamillelemoyne.org/

Lenvol Help and accompaniment for young mothers (-25 years): parental ability development workshops

450-465-2584 http://www.lenvol.org/desc_accueil.asp

La Croise Various aids & clothing and toy boutique 450-677-8918

Maison de la famille Parentraide (St-

Hubert)

Parent-child workshops, parental ability development exchange workshop, stop-over center

450-923-9333 http://laparentraide.ca/Activites

Maison La virevolte Listening, accompaniment and reference, Homework assistance, parental support group, parent-child activities, popular education groups, stop-over center, selected family activities

450-651-1901

Le Petit Pont Supervision of access rights (custody exchanges and supervised visits) Separation impact workshops for parents

450-448-3732


Saint-Hyacinthe

Organization Activities Coordinates Association des familles monoparentales et recomposes

Family activities, assistance and individual listening relations

450-774-6868

Les Grands frres et grandes surs Pairing of a child with an adult or couple: activities, daily life integration, academic mentoring

450-774-8723 http://www.gfgssth.org/

La Maison de la famille des Maskoutains Activities, conferences, respite, stop-over center, homework assistance

450-771-4010 http://www.mfm.qc.ca/

Le Centre de la famille Saint-Pie Parent-child activities, day-care service 450-772-6828

Groupe de partage pour hommes (Sharing groups for men)

Exchange and support groups 514-299-3210

Entraide pour hommes

Mutual aid group for men in difficulty, violence intervention, individual encounters

450-250-6225 http://ehvr.org/

CLSC des Maskoutains : Baby (0-12 months) Stop-over center 2 half-days per week

Breast feeding support, information on baby development, feeding of new-borns, daily habits of young children. Support to parents

450 778-2572

Le Petit Pont Supervision of access rights (custody exchanges and supervised visits) Separation impact workshops for parents

1 866-773-2225 ou 450-773-2225


Books for parents

Shared Parenting: Raising Your Child Cooperatively After Separation, by Jill Burrett, Michael Green, 2009,

160p.

What's My Job?: Helping Children Navigate The Rough Waters Of Separation And Divorce, by Gail

Thornburgh Ph.d., Mary R. Donahue Ph.d., 2010, 34 p.

Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies For Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce, by Joanne

Pedro-carroll, 2010, 352 p.

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years,

by Elizabeth Pantley, 2010, 176 p.

Internet sites for parents

http://www.familieschange.ca/index_fr.htm (Understanding separation)

http://stepfamily.orcasinc.com/login/?next=/ (Parenting Toolkit)

http://helpingchildrenthrive.wordpress.com/ (advice for divorcing parents from a leading authority)

Bibliography intended for parents


This document was made possible through the financial participation of the Minister of Justice Canada

The Petit Pont team

To contact us: St-Hyacinthe

Tel : (450) 773-2225 Fax : (450) 773-8742

Longueuil

Tel : (450) 448-3732 Fax : (450) 448-4242

[email protected]

Toll-free : 1 866-773-2225

www.petitpont.org

This document was made possible through the financial participation of the Minister of Justice Canada

Source of images : http://fr.123rf.com/

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Le Petit Pont Fascicule Outils Professionnels En