Leave Me AlonLeave Me Alone!e!””

Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NCInsights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled YouthInsights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth

Part 2:Part 2:How can we How can we

improve improve relationships byrelationships by avoiding power avoiding power

struggles?struggles?

When triggered, troubled youth often draw helping adults into destructive power struggles by over-reacting to basic requests with anger, sarcasm, whining, or withdrawal.

When staff react in kind, we feed these battles of will and ultimately damage relationships.

Avoiding Power Avoiding Power StrugglesStruggles

Negative Negative BeliefsBeliefs

(about self and others)(about self and others)Stressful Problem

Strong Feelings

Impulsive Behavior

Conflict CycleConflict Cycle

Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.

Negative Consequenc

es

Negative Negative BeliefsBeliefs

Reinforced by consequencesReinforced by consequencesStress Increases

Feelings Intensify

Behavior Escalates

Consequences Worsen

Conflict CycleConflict Cycle

Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.

Negative Negative BeliefsBeliefs

Reinforced by consequencesReinforced by consequencesStress Peaks

Feelings Out of

Control! Behavior Explosive!

Consequences Severe!

Conflict CycleConflict Cycle

Based on a model created by Nicholas Long, Ph.D.

POW! BAM! SPLAT!

FULL BLOWN FULL BLOWN CRISIS!CRISIS!

LetLet’’s read about s read about AndyAndy’’s conflict with Mr. s conflict with Mr.

JohnsonJohnson

Despite our training, there may be times when we react personally rather than respond professionally to challenging youth. A deeper understanding of our anger traps can help us defend against emotional overreactions in difficult situations, allowing us to remain clear, calm, and focused instead.

Adult Anger TrapsAdult Anger Traps

02/16/2011

ANGER TRAP #1

STRESSSTRESSLeftover stress from other home or work problems

makes it easy to overreact angrily to a minor situation we might

otherwise be able to handle.

02/16/2011

ANGER TRAP #2EMBARRASSMEMBARRASSM

ENTENTWe feel helpless or

inadequate trying to manage a challenging situation, then turn our embarrassment to

anger.

02/16/2011

ANGER TRAP #3FEAR/FEAR/SHOCKSHOCK

We feel a natural shock or fear in response to a threatening situation, then turn anxiety into

anger.

02/16/2011

ANGER TRAP #4VALUES

VIOLATION

A core value is violated by an offensive

behavior, sparking feelings of deep indignation and righteous anger.

VALUES VALUES VIOLATIOVIOLATIO

NN

02/16/2011

ANGER TRAP #5

AUTHORITAUTHORITY Y

CHALLENGCHALLENGEE

We engage in an angry power struggle to establish control or dominance over a

defiant youth.

02/16/2011

Hot Spot SituationWrite about a specific

situation with a youth when your buttons were

pushed.

Describe the TRIGGER SITUATION only. Do not

write about what you did.

Troubled youth often have difficulty expressing

themselves without aggression, avoidance, etc.

One of the most powerful relationship-building tools is

also the most basic: LISTENING

Active Listening SkillsActive Listening Skills

Part 3:Part 3:How can we How can we

improve improve relationships by relationships by using listening using listening

skills with skills with troubled youth?troubled youth?

Dr. Steve Parese Danbury, NCInsights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled YouthInsights into the Psychological World of Emotionally Troubled Youth

16

Attending+Decoding +Reflecting

ACTIVE LISTENING

17

ATTENDINGListening Level 1

Good listening is more than just waiting your turn to talk.

Good listeners communicate concern and a willingness to help as much by what they DO than what they SAY.

18

TABLE ACTIVITY:

In table groups:Complete the rating of

GOOD LISTENING versus

POOR LISTENINGHABITS

19

DECODINGListening Level 2

Much of our real meaning is communicated non-verbally or paraverbally. Good listeners learn to read between the lines and interpret what is NOT said.

20

How is REAL MEANING communicated?Facial expressions & body language

Tone of voice/

inflection

Actual words chosen

55%

38%

7%

21

What emotions can you decode?

•Angry•Helpless•Frustrate

d

22

What emotions can you decode?

•Embarrassed•Defeated•Worried

23

REFLECTINGListening Level 3

Reflective listening summarizes what we hear youth saying, including a guess at their feelings.

To use this technique, pay careful attention to both verbal and non-verbal messages, then briefly paraphrase what you’ve heard in your own words.

24

Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on

Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach

her…”

Create a statement acknowledging Alicia’s feelings without trying to solve the problem.

25

Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on

Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach

her…”

“I can see how __________ you areabout _________________________.”

26

Reflecting Feelings “I can’t believe that Tanisha posted that picture of me on

Facebook! Now EVERYBODY will think I’m a total slut! I’ll teach

her…”

“I can see how UPSET you areabout WHAT TANISHA’S DONE.”

27

Reflecting Feelings

Create a statement acknowledging Danny’s feelings without trying to solve the problem.

“When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”

28

Reflecting Feelings

“It sounds like you are ____________ about __________________________.”

“When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”

29

Reflecting Feelings

“It sounds like you are NERVOUS about HOW YOUR FOSTER PARENTS WILL REACT.”

“When my foster parents find out that I skipped school again today, they are going to totally lose it! They’ll probably tell Social Services to take me back. Whatever... I was getting tired of their crap anyway.”

Key Point #4Key Point #4Key Point #4 At some level, youth in

crisis WANT to tell their stories to trusted adults, but seldom say exactly what they mean.

Good listeners prove they are trustworthy by truly paying attention, by decoding hidden meanings in body language and facial expressions, and by reflecting back to youth what they seem to be saying.

Dr. Steve Parese

THANK THANK YOU!YOU!Dr. Steve Parese

For more information about staff training this content, email me S

BParese@aol.com or visit:

TACT2.com