Lessons With Laughter

254 LLEESSSSOONNSS WWIITTHH LLAAUUGGHHTTEERR

1-IDIOMS

Can you complete these jokes? Try first withoutlooking at the answers. Each answer depends

on a common English idiom. Do you understandeach one?

1- Why can't you play jokes on snakes?2- When is an actor happy to become a thief? 3- "My mother made a terrible mistake today.

She gave my father soap flakes instead ofcornflakes for breakfast." "Was he angry?"

4- Two flies flew onto a coffee cup and arguedabout who arrived first and who should get todrink the cold coffee. Which one got angryand left?

5- Why is it impossible to play tennis quietly?6- How could you help a starving cannibal?7- When does a patient find an operation funny?8- Why did the tired man put his bed in the fire-

place?9- When are mosquitoes annoying?

A- When he steals the show.B- He wanted to sleep like a log.C- Only foaming at the mouth.D- Give him a hand.E- Because you can never pull their legs.F- The one that flew off the handle.G- When it leaves him in stitches.H- When they get under your skin.I- Because you can't play it without raising

a racket.

2-PHRASAL VERBS

Complete each joke with a verb. Try to do itwithout looking at the list of verbs below. Each

verb makes up a phrasal verb. Underline them all.

see, put, drop, pick, hold, let, drive, fall, step

1- "Doctor, Doctor, I can't sleep at night,""Sleep on the edge of the bed and you'llsoon......off".

2- "Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?""Because you can always ...... throughthem".

3- "Why do birds in a nest always agree?""Because they don't want to ...... out"

4- "When is a deep-sea diver disappointed withhis colleagues?""When they ...... him down."

5- "What training do you need to become a rub-bish collector?""None, you ...... it up as you go along."

6- "Waiter, I asked you to bring my order quick-ly but why is the food on my plate allsquashed?""Well sir, when you ordered your food, youdid tell me to ......on it."

7 - "Why do taxi-drivers always go bankrupt?""Because they ...... their customers away."

8 - Witt: "Did you ...... the cat out, dear?"Sarcastic Husband: "No. Was it on fire?"

9- "When are the traffic police strong?""When they ...... up cars with one hand"

3-WORD PARTNERSHIPS

Aword partnership - or collocation - is two ormore words which go together in a special way

- a golden opportunity. Complete the followingjokes with word partnerships.

clean, hopping, filthy, splitting, grave, sweet,light, lame, smashing

1- "What does an angry kangaroo do?" "It gets .......... mad.

2- "Doctor, when I go to bed I wake up everythirty minutes.""Are you a .......... sleeper?""No, I sleep in the dark."

3- "You're late for school again. What's yourexcuse?""I sprained my ankle and I couldn't walkproperly, sir." "That's a..........excuse."

4- "Why did the burglar take a shower?""He wanted to make a.........getaway."

5- "I've invented a new pill. Half of the pill isaspirin and the other half is glue," "But who is it for?" "People with.........headaches."

6- "What did the hooligan say after breaking allthe school windows?" "I've had a..........time.

7- "Did you hear about the undertaker whoburied somebody in the wrong cemetery?"He lost his job for making such a..........mis-take."

8- "Why do you put lumps of sugar under yourpillow?""So that I will have.........dreams,"

9- "What do you call a millionaire who neverwashes?"".........rich."

255LLEESSSSOONNSS WWIITTHH LLAAUUGGHHTTEERR

4-PUNS

Apun is a play upon words - usually one wordwith two meanings. For example, a mouse is

both an animal and something you use with acomputer. Complete these jokes with puns.

present, fork, fine, pretty ugly,charge atmosphere, merry can, change, poor

1- "Have you noticed any.........in me?""No! Why?""I've just swallowed some coins accidental-ly."

2- "Some girls think I'm handsome and somegirls think I'm horrible. What do you thinkMary?""A hit of both........."

3- "You have to be rich to play golf.""Then why are there so many.........players?"

4- "I think we've just had a puncture.""How did it happen?""There was a..........in the road."

5- "Well son, how was your first day at the newschool?""Great! The teacher is going to give me agift." "How do you know that?""Well, when I arrived, she pointed to a chairin the corner and said, "Sit over there forthe..........."

6- "Why did the two astronauts decide to leavethe restaurant in the moon and return to oneon Earth?""They said it had no.........."

7- "I'm going to have to put you in a prison cellfor the night.""What's the.........Officer?""Nothing. It's all part of the service!"

8- "Why did you park your car on the yellowlines?""Because the sign says.........FOR PARKING."

9- "What do you call a happy tin in the USA?""A.........!"

5-HOMOPHONES

Homophones are two words which have thesame sound but different meanings. Complete

the following jokes. The humor depends on homo-phones in each one.

read/red, stories/storeys, rains/reins, bean/been, bolder/boulder, pane/pain,bare/bear, allowed/aloud, week/weak

1- "Waiter, what do you call this?""It's..........soup, sir.""I don't care what it's..........What is it now?"

2- "Have you ever hunted.......... ?""No, I always hunt with my clothes on."

3- "Why are black clouds like somebody riding ahorse?"Because they both hold the .........."

4- "A teacher saw two boys fighting in the play-ground.""Stop! You know the school rules - No fight-ing..........""But, sir, we weren't fighting..........We werefighting quietly."

5- "What is the effect of seven days dieting?""They make one.........."

6- "Did you hear about the novelist who lived onthe ninth floor of a block of flats?""He dropped six.........into a wastepaper bas-ket and lived."

7- "How can I get rid of my headache?""Hit your head against a window andthe..........will disappear."

8- Fortune Teller: "Would you like yourpalm........., sir?"Man: "NO thanks, I like the color it is now."

9- "What did the small shy stone say?""I wish I was a little............."

6-UNUSUAL EXPRESSIONS

Some words with quite common meanings canbe used in word partnerships with meanings

which are difficult to guess. Complete the follow-ing more unusual expressions.

spectacle, laps, tear, knit, stretch, leads, pardon, hugs, stitch

1- "What happened to the thief who stole a kilo-meter of elastic?" "He was put in prison for a long . .........."

2- "When does a boat show its affection?""When it.........the shore."

3- "Did you hear about the cat that came first inthe milk-drinking competition?""It won by six........."

4- "What do you do if you split your sides laugh-ing?""Run until you get a ......"

5- "Did you hear about the optician who fell intohis lens-grinding machine?" "He made a ............of himself."

6- "What does a king do after he burps?""He issues a royal.........."

7- "How can broken bones be productive?""When they begin to.......... together."

8- "Why did the ant rush across the top of acereal packet?""Because it said '..........along the dotted line'on the packet."

9- "Ten pedigree dogs have escaped from theirkennels and the police have been unable torecapture them. They say they haveno.........and are appealing to the public forhelp."


7-MISSING WORDS

All the missing words from these jokes make anatural expression.

shocking, warm, sticky, striking, broken, hair-raising, rare, bare-faced, stinking

1- A millionaire who doesn't wash is someonewho is ............. rich.

2- While repairing his television Mr. Smithtouched a live electric wire. When he recov-ered, he described it as a..........experience.

3- A fireman always gets a.............. receptionwherever he goes.

4- It is a complete waste of time telling baldmen ...............stories.

5- The man who fell into a large tank of gluecame to a..................... end.

6- A politician had such a bad reputation forbeing dishonest that he decided to grow abeard so nobody could call him a..........liar.

7- "She is certainly a..........beauty! Sheslapped me twice!"

8- My husband is a man of.................... gifts.He hasn't given me a present for years.

9- "John!, I know that we have a large crack inthe living-room wall, but will you stop tellingpeople that you come from a..........home."

8-MOVING STRESS

All these jokes depend on how you say some-thing - a change in the stress of one or two

words - along the road and a long road.

1- "Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?""It had..........to go with."

2- "Have you ever seen a..........?""No. How does it hold the rod?"

3- "Why are fishmongers so mean?""Because their job makes them................."

4- "What did Mrs. Christmas say to FatherChristmas when a thunderstorm started?""Come and look at the........................."

5- Instructor:" Tomorrow you can fly..............."Trainee pilot: "How low?"

6- A policeman was overtaking a car when hewas surprised to see an old lady knittingwhile driving. He wound down his windowand shouted to her, "...........""No, a pair of socks! She replied."

7- First woman: "Men are all .....!" Second woman; "Yes, men are all.....!"

8- "Why are travel-guides like handcuffs?" "Because they are made for......"

9 "My uncle is an........""Is he?""Yes. He used to carry suitcases at theSheraton Hotel."

A- pull over / pulloverB- ex-porter / exporterC- two wrists / touristsD- no body / nobodyE- rain dear / reindeerF- cat fish / catfishG- alike / I likeH- so low / soloI- sell fish / selfish

9-MISUNDERSTANDINGS

All the jokes on this page depend on a misun-derstanding which is caused by stressing or

pronouncing words in different ways.

1- "Can you telephone from an aero plane?""............................................."

2- "Teacher: "John, give me a sentence with'centimeter' in it."John:"............................................."

3- "What did the electrician's wife ask him whenhe arrived home late?""............................................."

4- Teacher; "Mary, give me a sentence withgruesome in it."Mary: "......................................."

5- An Eskimo who had just finished building anew igloo called his wife and asked her whatshe thought of the new house."Oh," she said, "It's..........house."

6- Teacher: "George, give me a sentence with'unaware' in it."George:"..............................................."

7- Jim: "I've just had my appendix out"John: "......................................."Jim: No thanks, I don't smoke.

8- Teacher:" Sarah, give me a sentence withfascinate in it"Sarah: "....................................."

9- "Where does your mother come from?"".....................................""Never mind, I'll ask her myself"

A- My underwear is the first thing I put onin the morning.

B- an iceC- I had ten buttons on my shirt but I lost

two, so now I can only fasten eight.D- Wire you insulate?E- When my aunt was arriving at the sta-

tion I was sent to meet her.F - Sure, anybody can tell a phone from an

aero plane.G- Alaska.H- My dad grew some potatoes in the gar-

den.I- Will you have a scar?


10-PRESENT PERFECT JOKES

All the following jokes contain examples of thePresent Perfect. When you have agreed on the

missing line, go back and underline all uses of thattense.

1- "Grocer, are these eggs fresh?"".............................................."

2- How do we know that carrots are good forthe eyes?".............................................."

3- "My doctor says I can't play tennis."".............................................."

4- Dentist: "Calm down, I haven't touched yourtooth yet."Patient:".............................................."

5- "I've been singing since I was three"".............................................."

6- "I could marry anyone I please." "Then why are you still single?"".............................................."

7- I've received hundreds of replies to myadvertisement for a husband and they all saythe same thing.""What's that?"".............................................."

8- Dentist:" That's the biggest cavity I've everseen, the biggest cavity I've ever seen"Patient: "Why are you repeating yourself?"Dentist;".............................................."

9- This crossword is the most difficult one I'veever done. I've been trying to think of oneword for two weeks.".............................................."

A- I haven't pleased anyone yet.B- How about 'fortnight'?C- Well, the chickens haven't missed them

yet.D- No wonder you've lost your voice.E- Take mine!F- I'm not - it was an echo.G- Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing

glasses?H- I know, but you're standing on my foot.I- So he has played with you as well.

11-CONDITIONAL JOKES

All the following jokes contain examples of theConditional. When you have agreed on the

answers, go back and underline all the verbs inthe conditional clause.

1- "If we get engaged to be married, will yougive me a ring?""...................."

2- "If you found some money, would you keepit?" "No. I would...................."

3- Fish 1:"How did we end up in this fish shop?" Fish 2:"Well,...................."

4- "If the baby wakes up during the night, whogets up?""...................."

5- "If you dial 24112229234564563469592, what will you get""...................."

6- "Darling, if the boat sank, who would yousave first, me or the children?""...................."

7- "If you fall out of that tree and break yourlegs ....................."

8- "What would you do if you were in myshoes?""...................."

9- Two birds were sitting on a branch of a treewatching a jet plane pass high overhead."Look at the speed of that bird," said theyoungest bird."........................................." replied theolder bird.

A- Polish them.B- If your tail was on fire, you would fly just

as fast,C- A blister on your finger.D- don't come running to me.E- Sure. What's your phone number?F- if we hadn't opened our mouths, we

wouldn't have been caught.G- spend it.H- Me.I- The whole neighborhood.


12-COMPARATIVE JOKES

All the following jokes contain examples of com-paratives. When you have agreed on the

answers, go back and underline all examples ofcomparatives and superlatives.

1- "Which burns longer - a black candle or awhite candle?""...................................."

2- "What are you going to do when you are asbig as your mother?""...................................."

3- "Who is the strongest criminal?""...................................."

4- "Have you heard that the most intelligentperson in the world is going deaf?""...................................."

5- "Why are wolves like playing cards?""...................................."

6- "What is worse than finding a worm in yourapple?""...................................."

7- Indecisive Customer: "I've changed my mindagain"Irritated Shop Assistant: "...................................."

8- "How do you know when you are middle-aged?""...................................."

9- What is even harder than a diamond?""...................................."

A- Finding half a worm.B- And is the new one working better than

the old one?C- When the cake costs less than the can-

dles.D- A shoplifter.E- Neither, they both burn shorter.F- Paying for it!G- Go on a diet.H- Pardon?I- They both come in packs.

13-JOKES WITH SO........THAT

All these jokes contain the structure so..... that.What kind of words can follow so? How many

of these jokes can be- re-written using suchinstead of so?

1- "My father has so many gold teeth that....."2- "I was so big when I was born that........"3- "In Spain the melons are so big that......."4- "The people in my village talk so much

that......."5- "The Megalith Hotel is so tall that.......".6- "My sister is so thin that......."

7- "Dolphins are so clever that......."8- "I have so many wrinkles on my forehead

that......."9- "My hair is so wavy that................"10- "The holiday resort was so dull that ......."

A- the ducks throw her bread when shegoes to the park.

B- to call reception from the top floor youhave to dial long distance.

C- the tide went out one day and nevercame back.

D- you can hollow them out and use themas houses.

E- they can train a man to stand on theedge of their pool and throw them threetimes a day.

F- he has to sleep with his head in a safe.G- the doctor was afraid to slap me.H- people get seasick looking at me.I- they have to put sun cream on their

tongues when they go on holiday.J- I have to screw my hat on.

14-THE BEST WAY

It is always too easy to look at the answers.Make sure you try to think of your OWN answer

to each of these sentences first. Then compareyour answers with those given.

1- The best way to meet a new neighbor is........ 2- The best way to cut your food bill in half

is........ .3- The best way to get a seat on crowded buses

is........ .4- The best way to turn people's heads is.........5- The best way to catch a mouse is........ .6- The best way to light a fire with two sticks

is........ .7- The best way to make a cigarette lighter

is........ .8- The best way to stop a cockerel crowing on a

Sunday is........ .9- The best way to cover an old cushion is.....10- The best way to communicate with a fish

is........ .

A- to cook it on Saturday.B- to take the tobacco out.C- to drop it a line.D- to use a pair of scissors.E- to sit on it.F- to enter the theatre after the show has

begun.G- to play loud music at 2 o'clock in the

morning.H- to become a driver.I- to make sure one of them is a match.J- to get somebody to throw you one.


15-MISUNDERSTANDING GRAMMAR

"We're having my mother for lunch." "Really,we're having chicken". - They have the

same grammar, but the meanings are totally dif-ferent. These jokes depend on this idea.

1- "The police are looking for a man with oneeye called Wilson.""........................................................."

2- "I've been waiting here for five minutes tocross this road." "Well, there's a zebra crossing further downthe road.""........................................................."

3- Doctor: "You must take one of these pillsthree times a day."Patient:"..............................................."

4- "I had to get up early this morning to openthe door in my pyjamas""........................................................."

5- "William, run over and see how old Mrs.Smith is." (William returns five minuteslater.) "She's annoyed, mum. She said................................................."

6- "Did you know that deep breathing killsgerms?""........................................................."

7- "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?""........................................................."

8- "Your dog is chasing a man on a bicycle.""........................................................."

9- "I've made the chicken soup.""........................................................."

A- Oh good, I was afraid it was for us.B- Yes, but how do you get them to breathe

deeply?C- It is none of your business how old she

is.D- Don't be stupid. My dog can't cycle.E- What's the other eye called?F- No, I just let him sleep late.G- That's a strange place to have a door.H- How on earth can I take it more than

once?I- Well, I hope it is having better luck than

I'm having.

16-QUESTIONS WITH HOW

The answers to these questions are not the onesyou would expect. When you have agreed the

answers, discuss whether you can translate theminto your language.

1- "How can you divide seven potatoes equallybetween four people?""........................................................."

2- "How long will the next bus be?""........................................................."

3- Inspector: "How many people work in thisoffice?" Manager:"..........................................."

4- "How much does it cost to get married, dad?""........................................................."

5- "How can you double your money?""........................................................."

6- Headmaster:" How can we raise the level ofour students?"Teacher; "............................................"

7- How can you make eleven an even number?"........................................................."

8- "How do you stop fish from smelling?""........................................................."

9- "Well, Peter, how do you like school?""........................................................."

10- "How can you tell which end of a worm is itshead?""........................................................."

A- Cut off their noses.B- About half of them.C- Remove the first two letters.D- I don't know. I'm still paying for it.E- Closed.F- We could use the upstairs classrooms.G- Tickle it in the middle and wait until it

smiles.H- Mash them.I- About six meters.J- Look at it in a mirror.

17-QUESTIONS WITH WHY

After you have filled in the gaps correctly, thinkcarefully about each answer. You may need a

dictionary to discover why each is funny.

horns, night, single, beat, sleeping pills, count,second hand, whip, scales, slip, bright, batter

1- "Why are false teeth like stars?""Because they both come out at............"

2- "Why did the man with one hand cross theroad?" "To get to the...........shop."

3- "Why is a banana like a jersey?" "Because it's easy to......on."

4- "Why are cooks cruel? "Because they.............eggs, ......... cream,and............fish.

5- "Why do teachers at university wear sun-glasses?" "Because their students are very............."

6- "Why is it easy to weigh a fish as soon as youcatch it?" "Because it has its own......................"

7- "Why is a pocket calculator reliable?" "Because you can always ............ on it.

8- "Why do cows wear bells?""In case their ....................... don't work."

9- "Why is a room full of married people alwaysempty?""Because there isn't a.........person in it."

10- "Why did the nurse open the medicine cabi-net quietly?""Because she didn't want to wake up

the........"


18-ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Do your best not to look at the answers to thislesson. Try to think of your OWN answers first,

agree on them in class, and then see how close orfar you were from the real ones!

1- Nobody ever complained about..............notopening.

2- My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we........................

3- Someone has invented a new alarm clock foractors. It doesn't ring, it........................

4- People with loud coughs never go to the doc-tor, they go to.......................

5- Goldsmith's wife made him a millionaire.Before she married him, he was a...............

6- The only time I have trouble with anxiety iswhen I try to................................

7- I'm thinking of becoming a doctor. I havethe......... for it.

8- I was so surprised at.................. that I did-n't talk for a year.

9- I decided to sell my drums when I saw myneighbor coming home with...............

10- Is another name for a funeral parlora..............lounge?

A- handwritingB- a shotgunC- my birthD- a parachuteE- applaudsF- spell itG- metH- the cinemaI- billionaireJ- departure

19-WHAT'S THE CONTEXT?

Here are 8 sentences. What is the situation ineach? When you have decided that, match

them to the 8 situations below. Try first to guessthe situation before looking at the dialogues.

1- "Just a minute."2- "Should someone he punished for something

they haven't done?"3- "Have you seen her mother?"4- "Do you know your house is on fire?"5- "But I haven't done anything."6- "Certainly not. It wouldn't be right."7- "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED"8- "No. I'm afraid I don't."

A- "I'm afraid that I have to tell you that you'resacked."".........................................................""That's why you've been fired."

B- Mr. Wilson, I'd like to ask for your permissionto marry your daughter"".........................................................""Yes, but I prefer your daughter."

C- "Could you help me with my homework?"".........................................................""Maybe not, but you could at least try!"

D- A man walked into a pub where a pianist wasplaying and said,"........................................................." "No," said the pianist, "But if you hum it I'lltry to follow you."

E- "Late again. What's your excuse this time?""Sorry sir, but there was a notice on the bussaying................... and I couldn't find oneanywhere."

F- Sir "....................................................""No, of course not.""Good, because I haven't done my home-work"

G- "Do you know the way to the post office?"".........................................................""Well, go down this road and take the firstturning on the left,"

H- A man wanted to travel from London to HongKong so he telephoned a travel agent to findout how long the flight was,"............................................." said theagent."Thank you very much," said the man andhung up.

20-INSULTING REMARKS

Some people are proud of being able to saythings which are very clever and at the same

time very insulting. All these jokes depend on thisidea.

1- "Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?""Of course,..........................................."

2- Singer: "Did you notice how my voice filledthe hall?"Critic: "And did you notice ....................."

3- "I'm not myself tonight.""Yes,.............................................."

4- Teacher: "What is wrong with saying I havewent'?"Student: "............................................"

5- "You remind me of the sea.""You mean, because I'm wild, reckless andromantic?" "........................................................."

6- Father: "Don't you think our son got his intel-ligence from me?"Mother; "He must have done .................."

7- "I'm thirty-eight and I don't look it, do I?""........................................................."

8- Very Fat Lady: "I would like to see a dressthat fits me." Shop Assistant:"............................."

9- "I wish you and your rock group were on TV. "So you think we are that good!""........................................................."

A- I've still got mine.B- So would I.C- You are still here.D- No, because then I could switch you off.E- I do,F- how the audience left to make room for it?G- but you used to.H- No, because you make me sick.I- I've noticed the improvement.


21-DEFINITIONS

First, look at the nine words below. Try to saywhat they mean without using a dictionary.

Then match them to these definitions.

antique, archaeologist, adult, diplomat, alarm clock, poverty, net, advice, acquaintance

1- A/an.......................... is somebody whohas stopped growing except around thewaist.

2- A/an ............ is somebody you know wellenough to borrow money from, but not wellenough to lend money to.

3- A/an ............ is a set of holes tied togeth-er with string.

4- A/an ............ is somebody, whose career isin ruins.

5- A/an ............ is something one generationbuys, the next generation gets rid of, and thefollowing generation buys again.

6- A piece of ............ is something everybodygives but few take.

7- A/an ............ is a mechanical device forwaking up people who do not have children.

8- A/an ............ is somebody who thinkstwice before saying nothing.

9- ............ is the only thing money can't buy.

22-PARADOXICAL JOKES

Aparadox is when two things seem to contradicteach other - the comedian was so bad, he was

almost good! All these jokes contain a paradox

a stamp, a bottle, a tap, a towel, a blackboard, a comb, your word, a book, a river

1- What gets wet as it dries?2- What has a bed but does not sleep? It also

has a mouth but does not speak.3- What can you look through but not see

through?4- What has teeth but can't bite?5- What can you give somebody and still keep?6- What has a neck but no head?7- What runs but has no legs?8- What can travel round the world yet stay in

one corner?9- What is black when it's clean and white when

it's dirty?

23-WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

This is another typical type of joke in English.The answers always follow the same pattern

One..................., the other................

What is the difference between:1- ...... a lazy student and a fisherman?2- ...... doormat and a bottle of medicine?3- ...... a hungry man and a greedy man?4- ...... a clothes brush and an iceberg?5- ...... a storm cloud and a child being

spanked?6- ...... a farmer and a tailor?7- ...... a night watchman and a butcher?

8- ...... a jeweler and a jailer?9- ...... a tram driver and a teacher.

A- One longs to eat, the other eats too long.B- One pours with rain, the other roars with

pain.C- One minds the train, the other trains the

mind.D- One is shaken up and taken; the other is

taken up and shaken.E- One gathers what he sows; the other sews

what he gathers.F- One sells watches, the other watches cells.G- One hates his books, the other baits his

hooks.H- One brushes coats, the other crushes boats.I- One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

24-WAITER! WAITER!

Jokes involving complaints to waiters in restau-rants are a classic kind of joke in English. Have

you heard any which start - Waiter! Waiter!There's a fly in my soup.

1- Waiter: How did you find the steak, sir? Customer: …………………………………………… .

2- Customer: Waiter! This plate is wet. Waiter: …………………………………………… .

3- Customer: This soup tastes funny. Waiter: …………………………………………… .

4- Customer: Waiter! How long have you beenworking here? Waiter: Six months, sir.Customer: …………………………………………… .

5- Customer: Waiter! This lobster only has oneclaw. Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in afight. Customer: …………………………………………… .

6- Customer: I'll have a hamburger, please. Waiter: With pleasure.Customer: …………………………………………… .

7- Customer: Waiter! This meal isn't fit for apig. Waiter: …………………………………………… .

8- Customer: Waiter! This coffee tastes likemud! Waiter: …………………………………………… .

9- Customer: I wish to complain about thisfood. Call the chef! Waiter: …………………………………………… .

A- No, with mustard and ketchup, please.B- I'm afraid he's gone out for lunch.C- Well, it was ground only a few minutes ago.D- I'll take it away and bring you something that

is, sir.E- Well, it can't have been you, who took my

order.F- Oh! I just moved the potato and there it was.G- That's your soup, sir.H- Then, bring me the winner!I- Then, why aren't you laughing?


25-DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

Another classic type of joke in English involvesa two-line conversation between a patient and

a doctor. Do these exist in your language?

1- Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm gettingsmaller.

Doctor: …………………………………………………… .2- Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everybody keeps

ignoring me.Doctor: …………………………………………………… .

3- Patient: Is it serious, doctor?Doctor: Well .......................................

4- Doctor: Well, Mr. Smith, you seem to hecoughing much more easily thismorning.

Patient: …............................................5- Doctor: Are the pills I gave you to improve

your memory helping you? Patient: ..............................................

6- Doctor: I have to tell you that you areseriously ill. Is there anything youwould like?

Patient: ..............................................7- Patient: Doctor, please help me. I can't

stop telling lies.Doctor: ..............................................

8- Doctor: I'm afraid the pain in your rightarm is just old age.

Patient: ..............................................9- Patient: I feel like a pack of cards.

Doctor: .............................................

A- I wouldn't start watching any new televisionserials.

B- I don't believe you.C- Well, you'll just have to learn to be a little

patient.D- Then why doesn't my left arm hurt? I've had

it just as long.E- Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.F- That's because I've been practicing all night.G- Yes, a second opinion.H- What pills?I- Next please!

26-MAKING FUN OF TEACHERS!

Teachers who ask questions which students canmake fun of are the subject of these jokes. Do

your best to think of your OWN answer first.

1- Teacher: Did your sister help you with yourhomework?

Student: No.......................2- Teacher: George, name two pronouns in

English?George: .......................Teacher: Excellent! Well done.

3- Teacher: Elena, how do you spell wrong? Elena: R O N G.Teacher: .......................Elena: That's what you asked for, wasn't

it?4- Teacher: Klaus, can you tell me what the

plural of baby is? Klaus: ......................

5- Teacher: Irma, what is the most popularanswer to questions asked byteachers?

Irma: .......................Teacher: Correct.

6- Teacher: [talking on the telephone) ... SoGordon can't come to schoolbecause he has a cold. Who am Ispeaking to?

Voice: .......................7- Teacher: First there was the Ice Age, then

the Stone Age. Paul what camenext?

Paul: .......................8- Teacher: Laura. Say something beginning

with the letter I. Laura: I is .......................Teacher: No. No. No. You must say 'l am',Laura: Okay then.......................

9- Teacher: If you add 376 and 478, anddivide the answer by 14 what doyou get?

Student: .......................

A- That's wrong.B- I don't know.C- I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.D- The sausage?E- The wrong answer.F- Twins?G- She did all of it.H- Who, me?I- This is my father.


27-ALPHABET JOKES

Letters of the alphabet can also be words - DidU C the length of the Q! These jokes depend on

this idea.

1- What letters of the alphabet are bad for yourteeth?

2- What occurs once in every minute, twice inevery moment but never in five hundredthousand years?

3- Why should you never put the letter M in thefridge?

4- What letters of the alphabet do athletesneed?

5- Why is the letter E lazy?6- When were there only three vowels in the

alphabet?7- What is the most unlucky letter in the alpha-

bet?8- What eight-letter word has only one letter in

it?9- Why is an island like the letter T?10- Why is the letter C like a magician?

A- N-R-G.B- Before U and I were born,C- EnvelopeD- It can turn ash into cash,E- D, KF- It turns ice into mice.G- It is always in the middle of water.H- The letter M.I- It is always in bed.J- U because when there is trouble, you will

always find U in the middle of it.

28-ELEPHANT JOKES

Why do elephants paint their toe-nails pink?So they can hide in cherry trees! This is the

classic schoolboy's elephant joke. This might helpyou answer these questions!

1- How do you get four elephants in a car?…………………………………………………………………

2- How can you tell that an elephant has beenin the refrigerator?…………………………………………………………………

3- What time is it when an elephant sits on yourcar?…………………………………………………………………

4- What do you do if an elephant sneezes?…………………………………………………………………

5- How do you stop an elephant going throughthe eye of a needle?…………………………………………………………………

6- How do you know if there is an elephantunder your bed?…………………………………………………………………

7- Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?…………………………………………………………………

8- How does an elephant get down from a tree?…………………………………………………………………

9- Why did the elephant decide to give up hisjob with the circus?…………………………………………………………………

10- Why can't two elephants go into the swim-ming pool at the same time?…………………………………………………………………

A- Get out of the way very quickly.B- Because if it was small, white and

smooth it would be an aspirin.C- They only have one pair of trunks

between them.D- Time to buy a new one.E- The ceiling is very close.F- Two in the front and two in the back.G- You can see its footprints in the butter.H- Tie a knot in its tail.I- It was tired of working for peanuts.J- It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.


1-IDIOMS 1-E 2-A 3-C 4-F 5-I 6-D 7-G 8-B 9-H

2-PHRASAL VERBS1-drop 2-see 3-fall 4-let 5-pick 6-step 7-drive 8-put 9-hold

3-WORD PARTNERSHIPS1-hopping 2-light 3-lame 4-clean 5-splitting 6-smashing 7-grave 8-sweet 9-Filthy

4-PUNS1-change 2-pretty ugly 3-poor 4-fork 5-present 6-atmosphere 7-charge 8-Fine 9-merry can

5-HOMOPHONES1-bean/been 2-bare/bear 3-rains/reins 4-allowed/aloud 5-week/weak 6-stories/storeys 7-pane/pain 8-read/red 9-bolder/bolder

6-UNUSUAL EXPRESSIONS1-stretch 2-hugs 3-laps 4-stitch 5-spectacle 6-pardon 7-knit 8-tear 9-lead

7-MISSING WORDS1-stinking 2-shocking 3-warm 4-hair-raising 5-sticky 6-bare-faced 7-striking 8-rare 9-broken

8-MOVING STRESS1-D 2-F 3-I 4-E 5-H 6-A 7-G 8-C 9-B

9-MISUNDERSTANDINGS1-F 2-E 3-D 4-H 5-B 6-A 7-I 8-C 9-G

10-PRESENT PERFECT JOKES1-C 2-G 3-I 4-H 5-D 6-A 7-E 8-F 9-B

11-CONDITIONAL JOKES1-E 2-G 3-F 4-I 5-C 6-H 7-D 8-A 9-B

12-COMPARATIVE JOKES1-E 2-G 3-D 4-H 5-I 6-A 7-B 8-C 9-F

13-JOKES WITH SO........THAT1-F 2-G 3-D 4-I 5-B 6-A 7-E 8-J 9-H 10-C

14-THE BEST WAY1-G 2-D 3-H 4-F 5-J 6-I 7-B 8-A 9-E 10-C

15-MISUNDERSTANDING GRAM-MAR1-E 2-I 3-H 4-G 5-C 6-B 7-F 8-D 9-A

16-QUESTIONS WITH HOW1-H 2-I 3-B 4-D 5-J 6-F 7-C 8-A 9-E 10-G

17-QUESTIONS WITH WHY1-night 2-second hand 3-slip 4-beat/whip/batter5-bright 6-scales 7-count 8-horns 9-single 10-sleeping pills

18-ANY SUGGESTIONS?1-D 2-G 3-E 4-H 5-I 6-F 7-A 8-C 9-B 10-J

19-WHAT'S THE CONTEXT?1-H 2-F 3-B 4-D 5-A 6-C 7-E 8-G

20-INSULTING REMARKS1-E 2-F 3-I 4-C 5-H 6-A 7-G 8-B 9-D

21-DEFINITIONS1-adult 2-acquaintance 3-net 4-archeologist 5-antique 6-advice 7-alarm clock 8-diplomat 9-poverty

22-PARADOXICAL JOKES1-a towel 2-a river 3-a book 4-a comb 5-yourword 6-a bottle 7-a tap 8-a stamp 9-a blackboard

23-WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?1-G 2-D 3-A 4-H 5-B 6-E 7-I 8-F 9-C

24-WAITER! WAITER!1-F 2-G 3-I 4-E 5-H 6-A 7-D 8-C 9-B

25-DOCTOR! DOCTOR!1-C 2-I 3-A 4-F 5-H 6-G 7-B 8-D 9-E

26-MAKING FUN OF TEACHERS!1-G 2-H 3-A 4-F 5-B 6-I 7-D 8-C 9-E

27-ALPHABET JOKES1-E 2-H 3-F 4-A 5-I 6-B 7-J 8-C 9-G 10-D

28-ELEPHANT JOKES1-F 2-G 3-D 4-A 5-H 6-E 7-B 8-J 9-I 10-C

Documents

Lessons With Laughter