Lets Be Missionaries Second Version

Lets Be Missionaries

By

Brennan Saur

A BLACK SCREEN. CREDITS BEGIN.

JENYknow, I never really likedAliens.

KEITHOh, come on!

VICTORHow?!

JENI just never liked it.

VICTORHow?! How did you not like such aperfect film?! Seriously, the wholething is perfect start to finish,Im not even lying.

KEITHHold on, a think Ive found theproblem. Did you watch theDirectors Cut or Theatrical Cut?

JENWhats the difference?

VICTOROh my God!

KEITHDid she just ask what thedifference between the theatricaland directors cut were?

VICTORDont even get me started.

KEITHYou see, the directors cut addsnew action and emotional value thatis left out in the theatrical cut.

JENWell is there a cut without theimpossible ending?

VICTORThe what-?

2.

JENYknow, the ending, where Ripley,whom I should note has just been inhyper sleep for fifty-seven years,is suddenly able to resist theentire vacuum of space?

JENAnd with only one hand, for thatmatter? And even worse, shes beingpulled down by the heavy tail of aXenomorph. Even Ripley in her primecould not do that.

VICTORWell, shes running on pureadrenaline, I think.

JENYou still have to abide to the lawsof psychics when youre onadrenaline.

VICTORNot when youre Ripley, you dont.

KEITHNo, hey, I think shes got a point.The movies still awesome though.

VICTORYeah.

KEITHThough, while were on the subjectof unbelievable endings, I have tobring up an unpopular opinion.

VICTORWhat?

KEITHThe Silence of the Lambs.

1 INT. A RESTAURANT NIGHT

FADE IN ON TWO COUPLES SITTING AT A TABLE, EATING DINNER

The couples consist of KEITH with NICOLE, and VICTOR withJEN. They are locked in a heated conversation and havebarely touched their food.

During this scene, more CREDITS appear, which will bewritten out later.

3.

VICTORHow dare you!

JENNot even I can defend that one.

KEITHAlright, alright, just let me makemy case. So you all remember theending, right?

JENYeah, Clarice is in Buffalo Billsbasement and he knocks the lightsout.

KEITHYes, then what?

VICTORWell, he stalks her and she hearshim loading the gun and shoots him.Now whats so improbable aboutthat?

KEITHWell, for starters, Buffalo Billjust watches her for a few minutesbefore actually shooting her. It isvery complex you know!

VICTORWere we even watching the samemovie?!

JENHe was stalking her. Have you evenseen the movie?

VICTORThats like his main charactertrait!

KEITHNo, he was not stalking, he waswatching. There is a difference.Its very important. Stalking isdefined as to pursue stealthly.Watching is just looking at someoneor whatever?

4.

VICTORThose are literally the same thing!I know what I am talking about.Buffalo Bill has an actual plan,though it was literally insane.

KEITHYes, but why? I mean, hes justgonna kill her anyways. Why wastetime by uselessly watching her?

JENBecause shes his forcedsubmissive. He enjoys watching hersuffer.

VICTORWere you even watching the samefilm?

KEITHWell, in my defense-

SMASH CUT TO:

2 INT. A CAR NIGHT

KEITH is driving NICOLE home. She is mad at him.

KEITHI still dont think it was a goodending.

NICOLEThats not what Im mad about,Keith.

KEITHOh come on, what is it? You cantell me, Im your boyfriend. Youknow you can tell me anything.

NICOLEEvery time we go out with Victorand Jen you just spend the entiretime arguing about movies withVictor.

KEITHWell, I mean, Jen kind of got inthis one too. It felt very heatedyou know.

5.

NICOLEThats against the point. Cant wejust spend some quality time alonewith each other?

KEITHNo.

NICOLEWhy not?

KEITHBecause my mother would kill me ifshe found out I was alone with agirl. Shes very protective.

NICOLEHere we go again.

KEITHI mean, Im living under her roofwhich means that I abide to herrules.

NICOLEAnd why do you still live under herroof?

KEITHBecause getting a job would requiregiving into our capitalist society.I dont agree with america and theworking system, I want no part ofit.

NICOLEYou just spent fifty dollars on adesigner fedora.

KEITHHey, sometimes youve got to treatyourself, am I right?

NICOLEJust like how I treated you to thatdinner?

KEITHNo, no, thats something completelydifferent. This is a relationship,we mutually treat each other.

6.

NICOLEWhat have you ever done for me?

KEITHWell, Im driving you home, arentI?

NICOLEIn my car!

KEITHYeah, but you dont want to driveat a time like this, do you?

NICOLEWell, I guess...

(beat)Wait, do you even have a license?

KEITHLicenses are for poor people.

KEITH puts on a pair of sunglasses.

NICOLEAlright, just, uh, just stop thecar.

KEITHUm, how do I do that?

NICOLEYou step on the brake.

KEITHWheres the brake?

NICOLEIts next to the pedal.

KEITH ferociously kicks the brake. The car comes to ascreeching halt.

NICOLE gets out of the car.

KEITHHey, where are you going?

NICOLEIm leaving.

7.

KEITHWhy?!

NICOLEBecause Im done, Keith.

KEITHBut what about the car?

NICOLEJust bring it by in the morning.

KEITHShould I call you first?

NICOLENo. I dont want to talk to you.

3 INT. THE MARLIN LIVING ROOM NIGHT

ED, KEITHs younger brother, is sitting in front of atelevision in pajamas, his face illuminated by a TV playingMOONRISE KINGDOM. He appears to be looking at the face ofGod.

EDOh, Suzy, sweet sovereign of mycaptive heart, how I wish that thouwould reach from the gleamingprison of the television and leavemy heart at peace.

KEITH walks through the door, startling ED, causing him topick up the remote and change the channel in fear of himhaving seen him in such a state.

KEITH looks miserable.

KEITHWhat are you watching?

EDOh, nothing, its just...

ED turns around and sees that he has changed the channel toDORA: THE EXPLORER.

ED(looking for an excuse)

Oh, its Dora, but its for aschool project.

8.

KEITH(dumbfounded)

A school project... for Dora theExplorer? That doesnt soundcorrect.

EDYeah, we have to do this thingwhere we analyze symbolism andstuff, its crazy hard man.

KEITH(dumbfounded)

You have to analyze thesymbolism...in Dora the Explorer?

EDLook, just leave me alone, ok?

KEITHYou werent watching MoonriseKingdom again, were you?

EDNo.

KEITHSo if I hit the back button on theremote, it wont turn on toMoonrise Kingdom?

KEITH reaches for the remote, but ED grabs it before him.They wrestle with it for a little bit, before MOTHER MARLINenters the room. She is a bit angry.

MOTHER MARLINWhats going on in here?!

EDHe took the TV remote!

KEITHI did not!

MOTHER MARLINWell who had it first?

EDI did!

MOTHER MARLINIs this true, Keith?

9.

KEITHYes, mom, but he has watchingMoonrise Kingdom again!

MOTHER MARLINIs this true, Ed?

EDNo it isnt! No it isnt mom, Iswear!

While ED is distracted, KEITH grabs the remote and hits theback button. MOONRISE KINGDOM begins playing.

EDThat wasnt me, that wasnt me!

MOTHER MARLINEd, you know what I told you aboutwatching that movie.

EDI know mom, but I skipped the beachscene this time, I promise!

MOTHER MARLINYou promise?

EDI promise!

MOTHER MARLINYou promise on your own life?

ED hesitates. He looks very nervous.

MOTHER MARLINEd, do you promise on your ownlife?

4 INT. ED AND KEITHS BEDROOM NIGHT

ED and KEITH are lying in either bunk beds or beds next toeach other.

KEITHI cant believe you.

EDIts a good movie, alright?

10.

KEITHPlease tell me the plot.

EDWell, theres this ferociouslyattractive girl that runs away withsome weird kid thats out of herleague. His names like Clarence orsomething nerdy like that. Thenthey go to a beach and she gets inher underwear.

KEITHEd, how much of this movie have youactually watched?

EDAll of it, of course. Why wouldntI watch it all? The directorprobably wouldnt like it if I didnot complete it.

KEITHAlright then, tell me the ending.

EDWell, uh, they, umm...

(looking for an answer)They all live happily ever after?

KEITHIm taking you out tomorrow. Youneed to do something new.

EDWhy? Im perfectly happy where Iam.

KEITHIts an addiction at this point.How many times have you watchedthis in the past month? Thirty,maybe thirty-five times?

EDIt was only twenty-two times.

KEITHYou kept track?

EDYeah, I kept track.

11.

KEITHAlright, I need to get you out ofthe house. Like really!

EDWait, are we really going outtomorrow?

5 INT. THE MARLIN HOME DAY

KEITH waits at the doorway for ED. It is morning.

KEITH(yelling upstairs)

Come on, Ed!

6 INT. ED AND KEITHS BEDROOM DAY

ED is in his bedroom, putting on a hoodie and hat,scrambling to get ready. Once he puts all his clothes on, hereaches under his mattress and takes out a picture of SUZIEfrom MOONRISE KINGDOM. He kisses it.

EDIll be back before those lips havetime to lose that smile.

He puts the picture back under his mattress.


KEITH stands in the doorway. ED runs down the stairs.

KEITHAlright, there we go.

KEITH walks out the door and, as he does so, ED slips on hisshoes and follows him to NICOLEs car.

KEITHAlright, so first of all I decidedto take you somewhere social and,you know, the mall seemed like thebest place to socialize withpeople.

The car pulls out of the driveway. They begin driving away.

KEITHThen I think were going to themovies.

12.

ED(looking out the window,bored)

Dont patronize me. I know sheisnt real.

KEITHWell you talk to her as if she was.

EDYeah, because I wish she was.

CUT TO: A SHOT OF THE CAR DRIVING INTO THE DISTANCE

8 EXT. MALL DAY

ESTABLISHING: Several shots of the malls exterior.

ED and KEITH walk into the mall.

KEITHAlright, were here a bit early, soyou dont have to get too social.

EDGood.

KEITHAw come on, cheer up.

9 INT. FOOD COURT CONTINUOUS

ED and KEITH enter the mall.

KEITH (CONTD)Come on, theres tons of greatplaces to shop. First of all,theres American Eagle-

INSERT: A shot of an AMERICAN EAGLE store.

KEITHOr Aeropostale.

INSERT: A shot of an AEROPOSTALE store.

KEITHOr Gap.

INSERT: A shot of a GAP store.

13.

KEITHYou could stop by Victorias Secretfor an inexpensive yet thoughtfulgift for your special someone, IfYou know what I fucking mean....

INSERT: A black screen.

TITLE: To avoid looking like creeps, we have notphotographed the facade of Victorias Secret. We apologizefor any inconvenience.

INSERT: A shot of a VON MAUR store.

KEITHAnd if you want something a littlehigher end, then the Von Maur storeis for you! Be aware they hategiving you a good deal.

10 INT. VON MAUR DAY

CLOSE ON: A price-tag displaying an enormously high price.ZOOM OUT to reveal KEITH gleefully holding the price-tag.

KEITHWhat a savings!

11 INT. FOOD COURT

ED and KEITH are sat down at a table, KEITH facing thecamera.

KEITHAnd if youre parched after yourexhilarating shopping spree, stopby the food court to enjoy avariety of our finest cuisine!

INSERT: Shots of various restaurants in the food court.

CUT BACK TO:

ED and KEITH sitting at the table. A can of DIET PEPSI isnext to KEITH, logo facing the camera.

KEITHBut if you just want to relax,perhaps just sit down with a nicecold glass of Diet Cola and take inthe scenery.

14.

KEITH picks up the DIET PEPSI and begins drinking it, logostill facing the camera. Soda pours onto his shirt, butneither he nor ED addresses it. When he has finisheddrinking, he turns to the camera and smiles.

12 INT. MOVIE THEATER DAY

ED and KEITH walk into a movie theater, heavy inconversation.

KEITHI feel like it would be good foryou to see a real movie.

They get in line to purchase tickets. Only three people areahead of them.

EDMoonrise Kingdom is a real movie.

KEITHNot a very good one.

EDIt was nominated for bestscreenplay, thats gotta be a signof something.

KEITHThey keyword there is nominated.

The last MOVIEGOER in front of them leaves, and ED and KEITHtake their place in front of the CASHIER.

KEITHHi, can we have two tickets to the11:30 showing of Paddington, twotickets to the 1:45 Taken 3, twotickets to the 4:00 showing of TheWedding Ringer, two tickets to the6:20 showing of Night at the Museum3, two tickets to the 8:15 showingof The Woman in Black Two, and twotickets to the midnight premiere ofSponge Out of Water, please.

The CASHIER looks a bit confused at their choices, but getstheir tickets anyways.

CASHIEREnjoy the show.

They walk away, towards the concessions.

15.

KEITHYou want anything to eat?

EDNah, Im not really hungry.

KEITHAlright then.

They pass by the concession and go straight to the entranceof the theater. An ATTENDANT rips their tickets. By theFOURTH TICKET, he becomes visibly annoyed.

ATTENDEnjoy your, um, shows.

13 INT. THEATER DAY

KEITH and ED watch a movie, their faces illuminated by theglow of the screen.

BRITISH MOVIE CHARACTER(on screen)

Blimey, I simply cannot accept thattheir is yet another woman in blackcreating some tomfoolery! OhConstable, Constable!

ON THE SOUNDTRACK: A SCARE CHORD.

ED and KEITH visibly jump out of their seats.BRITISH MOVIE CHARACTER

(on screen)Blimey! You are not the Constable!

14 INT. THEATER LOBBY NIGHT

ED and KEITH emerge from a theater, discussing the film theyhave recently watched.

EDI think it wouldve been better ifthey had kept in the Danny DeVitonude scene.

KEITHYeah, it wouldve been cool to see,but it really wouldnt have fit ina film about a stuffed bear.

16.

EDOh, hey, can I use your phone tocall my mom?

KEITH(taking phone out of pocket)

What happened to yours?

EDHawk ate it.

KEITHOh.

He hands the phone to ED.

EDIll just duck into the bathroomand make the call.

KEITHOk.

ED walks into the bathroom while KEITH walks towards thearcade.

15 THEATER BATHROOM-INT. NIGHT

ED walks right outside the bathroom and turns on the phone.As he peaks in, he notices to people standing in a stall. Heleans against the sink and begins his call.

EDHey, its Ed. (beat) Yeah, the rashis doing OK. (beat) No, hes notout of jail yet, most people with adeath sentence usually dont get towalk. (beat) No, I have not checkedmy feces for foreign objects latelyWhy do you ask? (beat) Oh, wellthats unfortunate. But anyways,can you pick me up from Keithshouse in like fifteen minutes?(beat) Oh, sorry, wrong number!

He dials a different number.

NOTE: As he makes the next call, stabbing noises and screamsare heard from the stall.

EDHey mom, its Ed. Can you pick meup from Keiths house in like

(MORE)

17.

ED (contd)fifteen minutes? (beat) Yeah, its6673 Hillborough Drive. Thanks,bye.

He hangs up and puts the phone down on the sink. Suddenly,the screaming in the stall. Suddenly, the stall door opensand the MURDERER, decked in a Sheldon Cooper mask, walksout.

MURDERERYou see anything in there?

EDNo, but I heard quite a lot ofscreaming.

The MURDERER pulls out a knife and points it at EDs chest.

MURDERERYou tell anybody about this and Iwill find you and hack you into sixhundred and sixty six pieces, isthat clear?

ED(nervous)

Yes-sir.

MURDERERAnd then, I will eat those piecesand then regurgitate it and feed itto my pet falcon. You understandme?

ED, frightened, nods.

MURDERERSo you saw nothing, and you saynothing.

The MURDERER walks out the door, into the lobby.

16 INT. THEATER LOBBY NIGHT

KEITH is playing an arcade game, specifically that one whereyou press a button that spins a wheel and lets you level up.He is struggling. Suddenly, ED runs up to him!

EDYoull never believe what I saw inthe washroom!

KEITH is stunned at what ED has just said to him.

18.

KEITHOk, I dont even want to know theend of that sentence. And say"restroom", were not Canadians.

EDI saw two men in a stall!

KEITH is done.

KEITHEd, we live in a modern society.Its no longer profane to see twomen together.

EDWhat do you mean, two men together?Were two men and were together.

KEITHEd, has anybody ever given you thetalk?

EDOh yeah, people have talked to metons of times before.

KEITH sighs. Hes even more done than before.

KEITHAlright, lets go.

EDBut we have to call the police!

KEITHListen, Ed. Thats not exactlyillegal. Except in the south,maybe.

EDBut I witnessed a murder!

KEITHYou what?! Then why did you startof by telling me you saw two men ina stall?!

EDBecause I did see two men in astall. I just left out the partabout one stabbing the otherrepeatedly.

19.

KEITHI think that would be good to know!

EDYeah, so he came out and said thatif I told anybody he would chop meup and feed me to his pet falcon

ED takes KEITHs phone out of his pocket and begins to dialthe police.

KEITHWait! No!

KEITH takes the phone out of EDs hands.

KEITHSo youre telling me that you findit wise to tell somebody about themurder, after being threatened withdeath if you told anybody about themurder?

EDYoure right, Keith. We need theFBI.

KEITHBut what if they dont find him intime? Then what?

EDDont worry, the Rochester JuniorFBI are second to anyone!

17 INT. JUNIOR FBI OFFICE DAY

CLOSE ON: A poorly-drawn sign saying JUNIOR FBI OFFICE. NOGIRLS ALLOWED! UNLESS YOUR HOT LIKE US MEN

Agents BRANDT and SKYLER of the JUNIOR FBI sit in theiroffice, which is cluttered almost beyond repair. Papersscattered everywhere and the like. They are goofing off,BRANDT is drinking coffee as they do so.

SKYLERAnd so he takes her to the ER and,hes still drunk mind you, andsays,

(faking intoxication)Doctor, my dishwashers broken!

SKYLER falls into a laughing fit. BRANDT, however, is notamused.

20.

BRANDTThat was one of the worst jokesIve ever heard.

SKYLERCome on, it was funny!

BRANDTI dont find sexism and domesticabuse funny.

SKYLERWhatever.

They go back to their work, BRANDT on a computer, tappingaway at computers. Suddenly, BRANDTs phone rings.

BRANDTHello? (beat)(sips coffee) Its adamn shame. (beat) In theface?(sips coffee) Its a damnshame. (beat) Did he suffer?(beat)(sips coffee) Its a damnshame.

SKYLERWhat is it?

BRANDTA damn shame, thats what it is.(beat) Ok, well be right over.Thanks. (beat) No, you hang upfirst. (beat) No you! (beat) Noyou!

We hear the sound of the phone being hung up on the otherend. BRANDT hangs up the phone and gets from his desk,walking to the door.

BRANDTCome on. Were going.

SKYLER gets up and joins him, putting on his coat as he doesso.

SKYLERWhere are we going?

BRANDTSome guy found stabbed with a knifein the movie theater.

21.

SKYLERWhich one?

BRANDTI dont know, a knifes a knife,isnt it?

CUT TO

18 THEATER LOBBY-INT. MORNING

BRANT and SKYLER enter the theater, where everything isalmost deserted, besides for a few employees and a string ofpolice tape surrounding the bathroom door.

A MANAGER, frantic, confronts them.

MANAGERHey, youre not supposed to be inhere.

BRANDT flashes the MANAGER his badge.

BRANDTJunior FBI. Rochester Division.

The MANAGER lets them pass.

SKYLERSo whats the deal here?

MANAGERWe found him while closing up lastnight. Stabbed.

BRANDTGot anything on the cameras?

MANAGERNo, the wires were cut. I cantbelieve they just dont puteverything in the cloud.

BRANDTThere were two guys in the theateraround the time of the murder. EdSmalls and Keith Marlin. Regularshere.

BRANDTHave you tried contacting them?

22.

MANAGERWe have, but we got the answeringmachine every time.

BRANDTCan you give us their address?

MANAGERSure. Just like me check ourdatabases.

They arrive at the bathroom door.

BRANDTMay we enter?

The MANAGER nods at them. The two agents enter the bathroom.

19 THEATER BATHROOM-INT. MORNING

BRANDT and SKYLER enter the bathroom, where the scene hasremaining relatively untouched. The VICTIM is laying facedown, a bag of spilled popcorn on the ground a few feet awayfrom him.

BRANDTSurvey the crime scene. Ive gotthe body.

BRANDT kneels down and pulls out a recorder from his pocket.Meanwhile, SKYLER surveys the scene of the crime.

BRANDT(Speaking into recorder)

Stab wounds on the back. I counttwenty-three in total. All woundsseem to confined to the upper back,just above the ribcage. (Flips thebody over) Several more stab woundson the front, mostly in the stomachregion.

In the background, SKYLER picks up the bag of popcorn andbegins eating it.

BRANDT(Speaking into recorder)

However, I do note several woundslocated just below the neck,midshoulder region. I countfourteen wounds in total.

SKYLER, eating the popcorn, suddenly pulls a disk from thebag.

23.

SKYLERUm... Brandt?

BRANDT turns around to speak to SKYLER. SKYLER throws himthe disk, and he catches it. BRANDT surveys it: it is a copyof ADAM SANDLERs HAPPY GILMORE.

BRANDTWhere the hell did you find this?

SKYLERIn the popcorn, sir.

BRANDT retrieves a scalable bag from his coat pocket andputs the DISK in it. He puts the bag back in his pocket.

BRANDTI think were done here.

20 THEATER LOBBY-INT. MORNING

BRANDT and SKYLER walk through the theater living lobby,prepared to walk outside.

BRANDTNow prepare yourself, the press canget a little out-of-control insituations like this.

21 THEATER ENTRANCE-EXT. MORNING

BRANDT and SKYLER walk outside. There is only REPORTER andtwo CAMERAMEN there. One CAMERAMAN is using a Kodakdisposable camera. Throughout the scene, they are takingpictures like theres no tomorrow.

REPORTERMr. Brandt, is there anything youcan say about what happened here?

BRANDTNo comment.

REPORTER(Approaching Skyler)

And what about you, uh...?

SKYLERSkyler.

REPORTERWhat can you tell us about thiscase.

24.

SKYLERWe can tell you that everything isin our control.

REPORTERDo you have any known witnesses?

BRANDT takes the microphone. He has become very aggravated.

BRANDTNo. Comment.

SKYLER, however, is friendlier and takes the microphoneback.

SKYLERUnfortunately, we cant say much,but we are on our way to speak tothem right now.

REPORTERAnd what are their names?

SKYLERIm sorry to say that we cannotfully release this informationright now. If you really want toknow then take it up with theMANAGER.

The REPORTER and CAMERAMEN swarm inside the building. BRANDTand SKYLER continue walking into the parking lot.

BRANDTListen, kid. I think you shouldlearn early that the press is notto be trusted. Theyre evil,manipulative, and would sell thelife of their own mothers just toget a decent story.

SKYLERBut what about informing themasses? I believe it is our job tosupply the information to them.

BRANDTThe trouble is, there aint nothingpure about that business anymore.They got off on the torture ofothers simply because it can sell afew newspapers. I wouldnt besurprised if every single news

(MORE)

25.

BRANDT (contd)outlet in this state is sellingthis as their top story over thenext few weeks.

SKYLERThen why was no one here?

BRANDTBecause no one wants to get theirhands dirty. They prefer toregurgitate the information ofothers.

They stop at the end of the parking lot. BRANDT stares outat the mall.

BRANDTNow come on, lets go get a corndog.

22 EXT. PORCH DAY

ED sits on the PORCH, licking a chocolate ice cream bar.KEITH runs out from the house, frantic.

KEITHEd!

ED turns around to look at him. His face is covered inchocolate ice cream.

EDYeah?

KEITHThey found him.

EDFound who?

KEITHThe body in the woods. FBI foundhim.

EDSo?

KEITHJust come inside and see foryourself.

26.

23 INT. THE MARLIN LIVING ROOM DAY

ED and KEITH enter the room.

REPORTER(on television)

If you have any informationregarding this man or thecircumstances of his murder, pleasecall or fax us at1-800-4568356936856902546736863921468653268458708674545737998760001.Thats1-800-456783569368569025467368639214686532684587086745457399876001.Again, that is 1-8804568356936856902546736863921468653268458708674545737998760001998760001.A one thousand dollar reward willbe given to anybody who can act asa witness to the crime.

ED instantly reaches for the phone and begins dialing thenumber. KEITH slaps it out of his hands.

KEITHNo!

EDWhy not?

KEITHIve already told you! First of allwed be considered suspects and Idont want to go through thatprocess every again! Second of all,you remember what the guy said inthe bathroom, dont you?

EDYeah, he was gonna chop me intopieces and feed me to his pet hawk.

KEITHDoes that sound desirable to you?

EDWell I think Id like it betterwith a thousand dollars...

KEITHNo calling in. Got it?

EDBut-

27.

KEITHNo calling in.

ED(sigh) Got it.


CLOSE ON: A television displaying a scene from TWO BLINDCOPS.

25 INT. CRIME SCENE (ON TELEVISION)

The TWO BLIND COPS survey a crime scene. A DEAD BODY lies onthe ground, surrounded by crime scene tape. BLIND COP #1begins "feeling up" a couch while BLIND COP #2 stumblesaround.

BLIND COP #1Wow... this lady was reallywrinkly. (canned laughter from theaudience)

BLIND COP #2Were both blind.

Canned laughter from the audience again, this time lastingfor an uncomfortable period of time. At one point, it diesdown, only to start up again. Throughout this time, BLINDCOP #2 awkwardly stares at the camera while BLIND COP #1rubs the couch.

BLIND COP #1Ive never felt the sensuous touchof a woman in years... (cannedlaughter from the audience)

CLOSE ON: An uncomfortably close shot of the CHIEF.

CHIEFWhy in the world did we hire twoblind cops?

The frame freezes and credits roll quickly across thescreen.


ZOOM OUT to show KEITH on the couch, looking like a slob,eating chips and sipping out of a PEPSI. He is fairly dazed,not paying much attention to the television.

28.

ANNOUNCER(on television)

And now a special news bulletin.


Ed and Keith Smalls (KEITH isstartled by hearing his name. Heturns the volume up.) are two localteens living in the town ofPittsford, New York, who seemed tohave witnessed the murder. Here wehave one of those teens, Ed, ishere to speak with us about what hesaw.

KEITHs eyes widen. He knows that ED is going to mess it upsomehow.

KEITHShit.

ED(on television)

So I was with my good friend KeithMarlin and we were just gettingdone with watching our sixth movieof the day.


Six movies?

ED(on television)

Six. So as I was saying, we weregetting done watching our film andIm like, hey can I call my mom,and hes like "Sure", so I stepinto the bathroom to call my motherand theres this two guys in astall and Im like, "wow thatsweird, cause like, only two peoplecan fit on one toilet" and I begincalling my mom. I say, "Hey mom,can you pick me up at Keiths housein like fifteen minutes?" And shedidnt know the address so I waslike, "Yeah its 6673 HillboroughRoad" (KEITH looks absolutelyhorrified. He gets up from thecouch and, frantically, grabs hiscoat and runs out the door.) And I

(MORE)

29.

ED (contd)realize, "Oh god I shouldnt besaying this in front of twostrangers." And I get scared outtamy mind cause at that exact momentone of the guys comes out of thebathroom and tells me that if Itell anybody what I saw hed go tomy house and chop me into exactlysix hundred and sixty-six piecesthen eat me. So yeah, thatsbasically it.


Thanks Ed. Coming up next, is yourgerbil likely to become the nexttop model? Find out more at eleven.

27 EXT. STREET DAY

KEITH walks quickly down the road, furious. He spies EDcoming up close, drinking a Starbucks coffee. When they passeach other, KEITH grabs him, furious.

KEITHWhat were you thinking?!

ED(confused)

Oh, yeah... I mean I dont reallyget Starbucks but I thought...

KEITHYou gave away my address on liveTV!

EDOh, yeah sorry man. As soon as Idid it I was like "Oops, oh no, Ishould not have said that!"

ED and KEITH begin walking back towards KEITHs house.

KEITHOops?! You know, its one thing togive away someone elses address onlive TV, but when speaking as awitness to a murder?! The crazypsychopath who left that guy deadin a bucket of popcorn is going tobe after me next!

30.

EDWoah, woah, woah, hey, calm down.Its not like this is a serialkiller or something, it was onetime, ok?

28 INT. KEITHS HOUSE EVENING

KEITH and ED are sitting in KEITHs house, watchingtelevision. They both look alarmed.


The killer, now dubbed "The SandlerSlasher", is known for placing DVDcopies of Adam Sandler films withthe bodies of his victims. Inaddition to the body found onlyseveral hours ago, a currentlyunidentified movie goer was foundstabbed to death in the bathroom ofthe Regal, a copy of Happy Gilmorenearby.

KEITHGoddamnit Ed, what are we going todo?!

He picks up the remote and turns off the television. He isgetting upset.

EDOK, OK, now listen to me,everything will be fine. Ivethought up this scenario in my headbefore and I have the perfect plan.So heres what we do: tomorrownight, around the time when thecity is starting to simmer down, wetake a bus in and find the tallestskyscraper we can find, Im talkinglike over a hundred and fiftystories. And when we get to thetop, we jump, but we wont diebecause of this.

KEITHBecause of what?

EDA suit with wings. Like,tailor-made, fancy-looking, exceptits got metal wings in the back.

(MORE)

31.

ED (contd)And hopefully, if we catch the windjust right, well be able to fly.

KEITHAnd if we dont?

EDWe plummet to our deaths. Probably.But, I mean, being that high upwere almost certain to get a goodgust of wind. And so we fly, allthe way over to the airport, landourselves on the wing of a planeheading straight to Ebeltoft,Denmark. And so we fly there,holding on fear dear life, and makeit to Denmark. There we go to aquaint little pub named TheIkkestore and meet a regular therenamed Vidar Lauritz. Hell set usup with a couple guys in Armeniaand well send the rest of ourlives smuggling confidentialAmerican secrets to him via poolballs.

KEITH looks absolutely astonished and, quite honestly,afraid of what ED has just said.

KEITH(confused)

How... how do you... how do youknow this?

EDTrust me. Ive had a while tothink.

KEITHOK then, but as you know, your planis just a little bit improbable.More than likely we get caughtbefore we even make it to theairport and, even then, wed haveto wait until some far away datewhen we can magically take a directflight to Denmark. Its justwishful thinking, Ed.

EDAlright then, have you got anybetter ideas?

32.

KEITHAs a matter of fact, I do.

EDOh yeah? What is it?

KEITHOne word: fire.

EDWhat are you suggesting?

KEITHWe burn down this house, collectthe insurance, and retreat toEbellaton or wherever you wanted togo.

EDThatd leave behind too muchevidence. (suddenly very, VERYscared) Oh God, what are we goingto do?! I messed this up, oh God,theyre after me, hes after me!

Suddenly, the doorbell rings. KEITH rushes to open the door.Standing in the doorway are FRED and HEATH, two Mormonmissionaries.

FRED AND HEATHHello, have you accepted JesusChrist as your lord-

They are cut off as KEITH simply shuts the door in theirfaces.

KEITH stands in the doorway for a moment, annoyed. Suddenly,he appears to have an idea!

KEITH opens the door again. The two missionaries arestanding in the same happy stance as before, unaltered bythe door slammed in their face.

FRED AND HEATHAnd savior?

KEITHAs a matter of fact, we have not.

ED, confused, sits down on a couch and turns on the TVagain.

33.

FREDWell, then youre in luck sir!

HEATHWe just happened to be patrollingthe neighborhood for waywardsinners such as yourself.

FREDWere from the Church of JesusChrist of Letter Day Saints, or"Mormons", if you will.

KEITHWell, yes, I know that. Its onthose very fashionable badges ofyours.

FRED and HEATH blush.

KEITHWhy dont you come in?

They step inside in absolute unison.

KEITHYou guys are the ones that so allthe missionary work, right?

HEATHYes sir!

FREDYou could be sent to Africa.

HEATHOr Norway!

FRED AND HEATHAnd if youre really lucky,Ebeltoft, Denmark!

KEITHAnd, like, how hard is it to becomea missionary person?

FREDOh, its as easy as do re la.

HEATHAll you have to do is earn all fourthousand and sixty seven Mormonbadges.

34.

FREDWeve almost got them all!

They both flash their sashes, covered completely in buttons,to KEITH.

HEATHAnd if we recruit a grand total ofthree hundred and fifty people onthis street, we halfway towardsgetting our "Conform or Die" badge!

FRED AND HEATHYeah!

They high five.

KEITHSo how long will it take for me toget sent on a missionary trip?

FREDOh, it could take a while, unlessyou decided to steal someone elsesbadges, which of course, would beridiculous, right? I mean nobody onthe earth would do such a thing.Kinda silly right?

FRED and HEATH begin laughing hysterically. After a while,KEITH starts laughing too, but it is a slightly moremaniacal laugh.

CUT TO: The bodies of HEATH and FRED laying on the ground ofKEITHs kitchen.

PAN UP to show ED and KEITH wearing their stashes.

KEITHWell, what do we do we them?

EDOh trust me, I hit them real hard.They wont be waking up for a long,long time.

KEITH(slightly frightened)

O...kay then.

35.

29 INT. CHURCH AFTERNOON

ED and KEITH enter a recreational center of a church.Sitting at a desk is a secretary. ED and KEITH approach theSECRETARY, comically large smiles on their faces. Everythingabout them seems fake: Their name tags are simply pieces oftape, EDs tie is barely even tied, KEITHs shirt isuntucked, etc.

EDWere here to apply to becomemissionaries!

KEITHWere Mormons!

There is a very long pause as the SECRETARY examines them.

EDWe want to be sent somewhere very,VERY far away!

The SECRETARY, sighing, hands them a yellow form attached toa clipboard. ED and KEITH sit down at a nearby couch. KEITHpulls out a pen and begins writing.

KEITHThey only gave us one form!

ED pulls out a NINTENDO DS and begins playing it.

EDGo get another one.

KEITHYou know how I feel about socialinteractions.

EDWell you just got the first one.

KEITHYeah, I know, but this one is allawkward, like I have to be up thereand...

As KEITH speaks, an EXCITED MAN enters, a jovial smile onhis face.

EXCITED MANHello world!

36.

KEITHYeah, yeah Im doing it.

KEITH gets up and walks over to the SECRETARY. Meanwhile, EDstays and continues play his DS. The EXCITED MAN sits nextto him.

EXCITED MANThis seat taken?!

EDYeah-

EXCITED MANAh, Im kidding! I kid, I kid!

At the desk, KEITH approaches the SECRETARY.

KEITH(nervously)

Uh, you accidentally gave us onlyone form.

SECRETARYI know.

KEITHWell, we need two.

SECRETARYRead the sign.

She points to a NO DOGS ALLOWED sign.

KEITHWhat?

SECRETARYYou read it. One form per party.Extra is two dollars.

KEITH(reaching for his wallet)

Ok, ok...

KEITH grabs his wallet. From it, he pulls out a five dollarbill.

KEITHDo you have change?

37.

SECRETARYDoes it look like we have change?

PAN OVER to where ED and the EXCITED MAN are sitting. ED istrying to block out the EXCITED MAN as much as possible.

EXCITED MANMost important time in a Mormonslife is his mission, you know.

EDYeah.

EXCITED MANIm really hoping for somethingcool, like China, or Italy, ormaybe even Detroit! And, well, itsevery Mormons dream to be sent toEbeltoft, but thats just wishfulthinking, right?

EDYeah.

EXCITED MANI mean, I do think Ive been a realgood boy this year...

PAN OVER to KEITH arguing with the SECRETARY.

KEITH(pulling two dollar coins outof his wallet)

Do you take Sacajawea coins?SECRETARY

We do not.

KEITHOh. (beat) I guess you dont wantmy money then.

SECRETARYNot unless youve got two dollars Iwont.

KEITH, grunting in frustration, walks back over to ED andthe EXCITED MAN. ED is now completely annoyed, covering hisears and curled into a fetal position.

EXCITED MAN...And Ive helped, like, three oldladies cross the road, Ive milked

(MORE)

38.

EXCITED MAN (contd)the cows for pa every day exceptSunday, and thats not to mentionthe insane amount of books Iveread. True, they were only picturebooks but pa says Ill be gettingup to chapters books pretty soon.And hey, lifes not all aboutbooks, isnt it? Like, everyday Iwalked the dog, fed the dog, andgave him plenty of water!

As the EXCITED MAN talks, KEITH whispers into EDs ear.

KEITH(to ED)

Whos this guy?

ED(frustrated)

I dont know, I dont know, I dontknow!

KEITH(tapping on the EXCITED MANsshoulder)

Hey... hey... HEY!

The EXCITED MAN is startled out of his seat and stopstalking.

KEITHWho are you?

EXCITED MANOh, well... My name is...

The EXCITED MAN struggles to find a name. He looks over,trying to find a name. He spies the SECRETARY reading a bookon QIN CHINA.

EXCITED MANMy name is Shi Huangdi.

KEITHOh. You know, I have a friend namedShi Huangdi, you should meet himsometime, youd get along.

EXCITED MANOh. (taking up his excitedpersonality again) That would bejust delightful!

39.

KEITH begins filling out the form again.

EXCITED MANSo, what are you guys in for, ifyou know what I mean?

KEITHI dont... I dont know what youmean.

SHI HUANGDIYou know... what are you all herefor?

KEITHMission. Its literally the missionheadquarters. (showing the form tothe EXCITED MAN) Thats what theform is for.

EXCITED MANOh, what a silly goose I am.

The EXCITED MAN begins laughing hysterically. ED and KEITHsubtly begin scooching their chairs away from him.

EXCITED MANWhat a silly mistake!

KEITHAlright Im going to go turn thisin.

EDDont leave me!

KEITH gets up and walks towards the DESK and hands the FORMto the SECRETARY.

SECRETARYYou got two dollars?

KEITH(sarcastically)

I dont conform to your standards,you capitalist pig.

The SECRETARY stares at him, not understanding the joke.KEITH

It was a joke.

40.

SECRETARYThen why arent I laughing?

KEITHGood point.

He gives her the form and she takes it. KEITH turns aroundto walk back to his seat, but finds that ED has constructeda FORT out of the chairs and is hiding inside of it.

30 INT. A HALLWAY IN THE CHURCH DAY

ED and KEITH walk through the hallway, nervous about meetingthe ELDER.

KEITHOk, this shouldnt be too hard. Imean, weve made it this far,right?

They arrive at the door. KEITH prepares to knock, butsomehow the ELDER senses him.

ELDERCome in.

The door opens, seemingly by itself.

31 THE ELDERS OFFICE-INT. AFTERNOON

ED and KEITH walk in to the ELDERs office, a fancy placewith several bookshelves and a tidy desk. The ELDER is oldand masked in a cloak. Several chairs lay pressed against awall.

ELDERPlease, take a chair.

The ELDER brings his hands together in a silent clap. Likenothing, the chairs move themselves in front of the ELDERsdesk.

ELDERI hear that you two wish to becomemissionaries.

KEITHThat is true, sir.

ELDERAh, I remember my time as amissionary. It was a few yearsbefore the first world war, and I,

(MORE)

41.

ELDER (contd)a young, hotblooded Mormon wishedwith nothing in my purse, wished tosee the watery part of the world. Icam upon the ship Piquaod,captained by a mysterious man namedAhab. He was a queer fellow, alwaysobsessing over some white whalecalled Mobi Nick or something likethat. One day, when we finally madean encounter with the great whale,it pounded our ship with such forcethat little to no survivors wereleft, and Ahab himself drowned byhis own harpoon. I was leftstranded for days, floating on onlya piece of shattered ship material.And the cold, it was so very cold,so very cold...

The ELDER looks down, as if caught in a memory. ED and KEITHjust look confused. In the background, several items arefloating, such as a few books and a paperweight.

KEITHSo, to our mission.

The ELDER snaps his head back up, as if his monologue hadnever happened. The floating objects fall suddenly.

ELDERAh, yes, that is the most importantpart. Of course, you do know thatyou have to go through the testingfirst, of course.

KEITHCan you please remind us of whatthe testing is? Its been a while.

EDI have no idea what any of thismeans.

ELDERThe testing is the ultimate trialof any good Mormon; as your know,they are kept for three days in abasement populated by mankindsmost terrifying fears, living onlyon the rat feces that are leftbehind by the spiders.

ED and KEITH turn to each other, mouthing "what the fuck".

42.

ELDEROh, most dont lose more than twolimbs in the process. Its allvery, very safe.

KEITHSo, uh... when does this test takeplace?

ELDERAs soon as you want to begin.

EDI dont want to begin at all.

KEITH nudges him very hard.

EDI mean, Id be delighted to feaston rat feces for three days!

KEITHWell begin tomorrow.

ELDERGood. Be here at eleven. (holdingout his arms) Now, grab my arms.

ED and KEITH grab his arms.

KEITHWhy do we have to-

32 KEITHS HOUSE-INT. AFTERNOON

KEITH is cut off, because suddenly they are teleported toKEITHs living room.

KEITHWoah.

EDTrippy.

33 EXT. AN ALLEYWAY NIGHT

That night, the EXCITED MAN from earlier is walking merrilydown an extremely grimy alleyway, a skip in his step.

EXCITED MANGod, I love nighttime walks.

The EXCITED MAN sees a stray cat digging through a garbage.He begins petting it.

43.

EXCITED MANAww, whos a good kitty? You are!You are!

It bites him and runs away.

EXCITED MANAh, well, if you ever want lovejust come find me!

He begins walking through the alleyway again. From thegarbage can the cat was digging through, the MURDERER rises.

MURDERER(feigning weakness)

Excuse me, sir.

The EXCITED MAN turns around. The MURDERER is dressed as ahomeless man.

EXCITED MANAnd what can I do for you tonight,my good man?

The EXCITED MAN approaches the MURDERER and leans against awall.

MURDERER(attemping to stand, feigningweakness)

Oh, me frail old joints.The MURDERER fakes having trouble standing for anuncomfortable amount of time. The EXCITED MAN just stares athim until he finally "stands".

EXCITED MANDo you need a little help withthat?


No, Im fine. All I ask for is anice warm meal, sir. You see, Ivehad no home since I was ten andeven then the rest of my family hasdisowned me. Golly, its been yearssince Ive had so much as a bowl orsoup.

The EXCITED MAN, won over by his story, embraces him.

44.

EXCITED MANOh, dont you worry my friend, Illbring you right home and give youthe warm meal youve always wanted.


Would it not be too much of aninconvenience?

EXCITED MANOh, of course not. You can stay aslong as youd like.

34 EXCITED MANS KITCHEN-INT. NIGHT

CUT TO: The EXCITED MANs kitchen, where he is serving theMURDERER soup. He sets the soup down on the table.

EXCITED MANThere, now dig in.


But what about you, sir?

EXCITED MANOh, Ill be just fine.

The EXCITED MAN smiles and leaves the room. As he leaves,the MURDERER shows a face of pure evil. From a pocket in histattered coat he pulls out a vial of poison, appropriatelylabelled POISON. He gets up and opens the fridge, surveyingall the items in the fridge.

CUT TO: A shot of the fridge. Its completely empty, savefor a stick of butter with bite marks in it.

The EXCITED MAN calls to him from off screen.

EXCITED MAN(off screen)

Ill go get that bath going, ifyoure ready.


Oh no, you dont have to if youdont want to.


Oh, I insist.

45.

The MURDERER closes the fridge, not knowing what to do, heconceals the POISON again. He gets an idea. He turns aroundand begins rummaging through the kitchen drawers, hoping tofind a KNIFE. Every single drawer is filled with SPOONS.

The MURDERER gets slightly frustrated with not finding aweapon, and slams a drawer shut.

35 INT. EXCITED MANS LIVING ROOM NIGHT CONTINUOUS

The MURDERER enters the living room, searching for a weapon.His eyes follow several items, including a couch, afireplace, and eventually a leather-bound book labelledMEMORY LANE.

MURDERERMemory Lane?

The MURDERER picks up the book, and begins leafing throughit. Inside are many newspaper clippings, arranged like ascrapbook. The headlines tell of various murders. TheMURDERER slowly realizes the implication.


Hot or cold?

MURDERERUh... cold! Cold!

The MURDERER, filled with a morbid curiosity, beginsflipping through the scrapbook again. The headlines include-FENRY DICKWEED CAUGHT and INFAMOUS MURDERER ESCAPES FROMHOSPITAL FOR MENTAL.

36 INT. BATHROOM NIGHT

CLOSE ON: The EXCITED MAN adjusting the BATHTUB KNOB toCOLD.

EXCITED MANCold it is.

The EXCITED MAN removes a REVOLVER from his pocket.

37 INT. EXCITED MANS LIVING ROOM NIGHT

The MURDERER slams the book closed and sets it back where hefound it, horrified. He slumps against the couch.


You enjoying your soup?

46.

The MURDERER is sobered by his voice, taking him out of histrance.


Oh, yes. Very good.

EXCITED MANWell, you better get up here. Thebaths almost done.


Oh, thank you sir.

The MURDERER begins urgently searching for a weapon, anykind. He opens drawers, looks under couches, and throwscushions off of couches. Frantic and out of options, hestarts to pulling books off of shelves. One falls, and gunlands beside it.

The MURDERER picks up the book and opens it. Inside is asecret compartment that had been hiding the gun.

MURDEREROh. That actually worked.

The MURDERER grabs the gun and begins walking up thestairwell.

38 INT. BATHROOM NIGHT

The EXCITED MAN prepares to shoot.

39 INT. STAIRCASE NIGHT

The MURDERER walks up the staircase, pointing his gun.

40 INT. HALLWAY NIGHT

POV SHOT: The MURDERER reaches the top of the stairs. Henavigates through the hallway, looking for the bathroomdoor. He finds it and opens it.

41 EXCITED MANS BATHROOM-INT. NIGHT

As he walks in, the EXCITED MAN attempts to shoot him, butthe MURDERER shoots first. The EXCITED MAN tumbles into thebath, pulling the shower curtain down with him.

47.

The MURDERER blows on the tip of his gun, as if in an actionmovie, then takes out a DVD of BIG DADDY and places it onthe toilet seat. He begins to walk out of the room, whensuddenly the EXCITED MAN, underneath the shower curtain,begins moving. The MURDERER shoots one more time for goodmeasure.

42 EXT. CELLAR DOOR DAY

CUT TO: ED, KEITH, and ELDER standing in front of the doorto a cellar. ED and KEITH are in shackles.

KEITHI think were ready to begin, sir.

ELDERVery well.

The ELDER moves his hands and the cellar door flies open!

ELDERAnd may God bring you great favor.

Uncertainly, ED and KEITH walk into the cellar.

43 INT. CELLAR DAY

ED and KEITH are waling nervously into the basement, knowingthey may very well meet their demise.

A pair of red eyes begin to appear in the basement.Suddenly, a great roar similar to that of a lion is heard.

CLOSE ON: KEITHs face.

KEITHOh my god.

He begins screaming.


Outside, the ELDER listens, his ear to the door. ED andKEITH scream inside. Suddenly, he is startled when someonebegins shaking the door to get out!

TITLE: Three days later.

Three days later, the screaming has died down to nothing butwhimpers. The ELDER lays against a wall, sleeping.

48.

45 INT. CELLAR DAY

ED and KEITH are on the doors leading to the door, lookingbattered and beaten.

KEITHIts been three days!


KEITHs shouting echoes outside.

KEITH(muffled)

Let us out of here!

He begins banging on the doors, which startles the ELDER.With a mere flip of his hands the doors open.

ED and KEITH walk out, their shirts ripped, wounds coveringtheir body, and blood covering their entire bodies.

KEITHThere! Our task is over now let usbecome missionaries!

The ELDER is still resting against a wall, barely listeningto them.

ELDEREager, are we?

KEITHWe battled a hell-beast for threedays straight!

ELDERYes, but are you sure you want tobe missionaries? Why not lawyers,or florists, or something likethat?

KEITHIll say it again: we battled ahell-beast for three whole days.Our only source of nutrients waseating rat feces and what flakes ofasbestos we could scrape off thewall. That shit kills people.

The ELDER stands up, setting his MAGAZINE on the LAWN CHAIR.

49.

ELDERVery well. I see that you two arevery dedicated to your craft.

The ELDER puts out his hand for ED to shake. ED,misinterpreting him, grabs his hand and hugs him. Intensely.

ELDEROh, my, you are a loving boy.

EDYoure like the father I neverhad...

The ELDER pushes ED away, now obviously very uncomfortable.

ELDEROK! So, uh, Ill contact you two onthe assignment in a few days.

KEITHThank you, sir.

47 EXT. MARLIN HOME NIGHT

ESTABLISHING: The front porch of the MARLIN HOME, a smallheadlight illuminating the doorway.

KEITH and ED approach the door, conversing in excitement.

EDSo hes in first grade, top of hisclass. Second grade, top of hisclass. Third grade, theres thisnew kid in his class named Jammy,who starts getting better scoresthan him.

KEITH opens the door, and they enter the house.

48 INT. MARLIN HOME NIGHT CONTINUOUS

ED and KEITH enter the house, taking off their shoes at thedoor.

ED (CONTD)But he studies really hard and infourth grade hes top of his class.Fifth grade-

ED and KEITH appear shocked at something, noticing somethingO.S.

50.

REVEAL: MOTHER MARLIN sitting at the KITCHEN TABLE with FREDand HEATH, smiles still spreading across their face.

MOTHER MARLINCome on, Keith, sit with us.

KEITH, nervous, approaches the table.

MOTHER MARLINYou too, Ed.

ED follows KEITH. They sit down at the table.

MOTHER MARLINHoney, why were there Mormons inour closet?

KEITHUhh...

FREDWe were in there for six days!

HEATHWe ate rat feces for every meal!

FRED AND HEATHWe had to urinate in a hole!

MOTHER MARLIN(disgusted)

Is that what the leak was?

KEITH(sitting down at the tablenext to them)

Alright, listen, I can explain.

He turns around to face ED, but he has since run away.

KEITHAlright, so it went like this...

They watch KEITH with judgmental eyes. KEITH, not knowingwhat to do, just stares at them for an awkward amount oftime.

MOTHER MARLINGood case. (turning to FRED andHEATH) So whats your story?

51.

FREDHe knocked us out!

HEATHAnd stole our badges!

FRED AND HEATHAnd shoved us in a closet!

FREDThe closet was warm!

KEITHs MOTHER, however, is giving him a death glare.

MOTHER MARLINYoure grounded. Three days.

KEITHWhat about Ed?!

CUT TO:

49 EXT. ROAD NIGHT

ED runs frantically down a street, looking back to see if heis being followed.

50 INT. KEITHS BEDROOM NIGHT

KEITH sits on his bed, staring at the ceiling, bored. Thephone rings and he frantically answers it, expecting a callfrom the ELDER.

KEITHHello?

BRANDT(on telephone)

Is this Keith Marlin?

KEITHUh, yeah, whos this?

51 INT. JUNIOR FBI OFFICE NIGHT

BRANDT talks on the telephone while SKYLER types on acomputer in the background.

BRANDTThis is Agent Brandt of the JuniorFBI.

52.

KEITH(on telephone)

Junior FBI?

BRANDTYes, we are assigned to some of themore minor cases.


BRANDT (CONTD)(on telephone)

Anyways, you have informationregarding the serial killercurrently roaming the area, am Icorrect?

KEITHOh. Yeah. But Eds the one you wantto look for. And hes pretty muchtold you everything.


Maybe not everything.

KEITHWhat do you mean?


CLOSE ON: Several PHOTOGRAPHS of the EXCITED MAN lying deadin his bathtub, and the BIG DADDY DVD in a CRIME SCENEEVIDENCE BAG.

BRANDTWell, an infamous murderer namedFenry Dickweed was found dead inhis bathtub. Shot by the SandlerSlasher.


KEITHSo? Ive never met a FenryDickweed.

53.


BRANDTWell, weve found security photosfrom the Mormon Church of Rochestershowing you and your brothertalking to him just hours beforehis death.


KEITHOh, yeah I met a guy there, but hesaid his name was Shi Huangdi.


What kind of a name is Shi Huangdi?

KEITHHey, I have a friend named ShiHuangdi.


BRANDTWell, anyways, did he say anythingthat seemed suspicious?

KEITH(on telephone)

No, not really. He was just veryannoying.

BRANDTHow so?


KEITHWell, he just didnt stop talking,I guess.

BRANDTWhat did he say?

KEITHI dont know. Youd better talk toEd, he was with him longer.

54.


BRANDTDo you know where we could findhim?

CUT TO:

60 EXT. ANOTHER STREET NIGHT

ED runs frantically down another street.


KEITHNo I dont, sorry. I can tell himyou called when he gets home.


BRANDTWill you? (beat) Alright, thankyou. Goodnight.

BRANDT hangs up the phone. SKYLER, in the b.g., approacheshim, a file in hand.

SKYLERHey. I think Ive found somethingthat might interest you.

BRANDTWhat is it?

SKYLER hands him the file, the MUGSHOT of the CHAPLINCHOPPER paper-clipped to the front.

BRANDTWhos this?

SKYLERChaplin Chopper.

BRANDT opens the file and begins skimming the documentsinside.

BRANDTWhat about him?

SKYLERA serial killer, active in themid-1930s, prime of the Depression.Used to kill people and leave

(MORE)

55.

SKYLER (contd)Charlie Chaplin film reels lyingnear their body.

BRANDTAnd you think our guy is just acopycat?

SKYLERThats what I believe, yes. Thereis one surviving victim of theChaplin Chopper. Lost almost all ofhis fingers, but he made it out.

BRANDTWhere is he?

SKYLERFairly nearby. I already called himto see if we could visit. He saidhed be in contact.

BRANDTGood.

SKYLER continues looking through the FOLDER.

SKYLERHey Brandt?

BRANDTYeah?

SKYLERHow much would you say you believein spirits?

BRANDTWhy do you ask?

SKYLERPerhaps this Sandler Slasher is theChaplin Chopper, in a way.

BRANDTWhat brought that idea into yourhead?

SKYLEROh, its nothing, Im just a guywith an irrational mind. But thereare a few strange circumstancesinvolving the murders, you mustsay.

56.

BRANDTYeah, Ive already brought up thetheory that it was a copycatkiller.

SKYLERWell, Im just saying that thecircumstances surrounding eachattack are astoundingly similar.Now, lets review the first murdersin both cases. Throw me theChoppers file.

BRANDT throws him the file. BRANDT opens it, and beginsreading it.

SKYLERTwenty-three stab wounds on theback. All above the rib cage.Fourteen wounds near the shoulderand seven in the stomach. Now, ifwe review the forensics from theSlasher, wed find the exact samedata.

BRANDTSo? Twenty-three is a popularnumber, I guess.

SKYLERBut theres more. It says here thatthe victim was stabbed to death inthe bathroom of a theater, and thefilm reel was left in the popcorn.

BRANDTSo we got a copy cat?

SKYLERI dont think so.

BRANDTAnd why not?

SKYLERBecause it says here that thisinformation has been restricted tothe police department for eightyyears.

BRANDT and SKYLER come to a shocking realization.

57.

63 INT. REST STOP EARLY MORNING

ED, covered in a ragged blanket, lays on a bench at a reststop. He is approached by a TRUCKER.

TRUCKERHey, kid, you alright?

ED walks up groggily.

ED(groggy)

Huh?

TRUCKERI said are you alright?

EDOh. Yeah.

ED sits up, making room for the TRUCKER, who sits down nextto him.

TRUCKERWheres your parents?

EDOh, Im here alone.

TRUCKERAlone? How?

EDWell, I just walked.

TRUCKERWell why? What are you runningfrom?

EDWell, my moms kind of mad at mebecause I hid a couple of Mormonsin our closet.

TRUCKERAh, parents. Always getting mad atthe simplest stuff.

EDI know, right?!

58.

TRUCKERI remember being your age. Myparents got absolutely pissed at mewhen I set a shopping mall on fire.

EDI guess you can say those were somepretty hot deals.

TRUCKERThats what I said! (patting him onthe back) I think I like you.

ED(smiling)

I think I like you too.

TRUCKERSo where you headed?

EDIm not sure yet.

TRUCKERWell Im headed out to Dayton, ifyou want to come with me.

EDNo thanks. Im thinking I mightjust go home.

TRUCKERYou sure?

EDYeah. I think so.

The TRUCKER holds out his hand to shake.

TRUCKERNice meeting you.

ED, like with the ELDER, hugs the TRUCKER instead of shakinghis head.

EDMy heart will yearn for you eachday that you are gone.

The TRUCKER, now uncomfortable, gets up and begins walkingaway.

59.

TRUCKER(uncomfortable)

Well, see you.

EDGoodbye.

The TRUCKER walks away. ED, with a now found determination,stands up, puts down the blanket, and begins walking towardsthe exit.

64 INT. KEITHS BEDROOM DAY

KEITH lays in bed, asleep. There is a KNOCK on the door. Hesits up, still half asleep.

KEITHWhat?

MOTHER MARLINIts your mother.

KEITHOh, uh, come in.

MOTHER MARLIN enters, carrying a basket of laundry.

KEITHWhats that?

MOTHER MARLINLaundry.

She sets the LAUNDRY BASKET down on his bed.

MOTHER MARLINDo it.

KEITHEds too?

She leaves the room. KEITH pouts.

He grabs the laundry and digs through it, mostly graphictees. He picks up a pair of pants, and sets them upsidedown, trying to fold them. However, something falls out ofthe pocket.

CLOSE ON: A pocket PHOTO of SUZY.

KEITHCome on, Ed.

60.

KEITH picks up the PHOTO and throws it out of his OPENWINDOW.

FOLLOW the PHOTO as it falls onto the head of the MURDERER,waiting outside.

65 EXT. FRONT YARD DAY CONTINUOUS

The MURDERER carries an axe in his hand, flashing atraditional Kubrick smile.

The MURDERER stands up, and begins walking towards the FRONTDOOR. HE breathes heavily.


KEITH folds the laundry. As he does, he faces a tiny mirror,blocked from his eyes by the clothes he is folding.

He puts down the shirt he is folding and looks into themirror, revealing a FIGURE behind him. SCARE CHORD. KEITHjumps back. After a moment, he realizes it is only theELDER, dressed in a suit.

ELDERHello, Keith.

KEITHOh, hi. You kind of scared me.

ELDERI know.

The ELDER sits down at the edge of his BED.

KEITHSo, uh, whats bring you here?

ELDERHold on.

The ELDER snaps his fingers.

67 EXT. PORCH DAY

The MURDERER still silently approaches the door.

61.


CLOSE ON: The door lock, seemingly locking by itself.


The ELDER grins mischievously and sits down on KEITHs BED.

KEITHWhat was that?

ELDERMagic. Its magic.

There is an awkward silence, KEITH doesnt know how torespond.

KEITH(awkwardly)

So, what brings you here? You havemy assignment?

ELDERYes, Keith.

He puts his arm on KEITHs shoulder.

ELDERIts time.

KEITHTime for what?

ELDERTime for your destiny. Look into myeyes.

KEITH looks into his eyes for a few seconds. He pulls away,seemingly in pain.

KEITHOh my God! Thats horrible!

ELDERIts the truth. You have to knowthe truth.

KEITHWhat does that have to do with mymission?!

62.

ELDERIt doesnt.

KEITHIm gonna have to put like bleachin my eyes, oh my god! How do Iunsee that?! How do I pretend thatit never happened?

ELDERYou will understand in time.

KEITH blinks furiously and begins calming down.

ELDERYou good know?

KEITHYeah. Yeah. I think Im good now.

ELDEROK.

KEITHYeah, that was a bit of anoverreaction.

ELDERSo onto your mission.

KEITHWhere am I going, Elder?

ELDEROhio.

KEITHWhere in Ohio?

ELDEROhio.

KEITHWhat?

KEITH looks over. The ELDER is gone.

63.

70 EXT. PORCH DAY

The MURDERER furiously tries to open the DOOR. Behind him,the ELDER appears. The MURDERER turns around to see what hashappened. The ELDER punches him in the face, sending him tothe ground.


KEITH sits on his bed, confused. Suddenly, the ELDER appearsagain.

ELDERSorry, a little business.

KEITHDid you just teleport?

ELDERI did many things.

KEITHAlright, so, where am I going?

ELDEROhio.

KEITHYes, I know that.

ELDERWhat isnt there to understand?

KEITHLike, what city?

ELDERSearch your mind.

KEITH is confused, but gives in to his request. He beginsthinking.

KEITH(unsure)

Cleveland?

The ELDER shakes his head no.

KEITH(unsure)

Toledo?

The ELDER shakes his head no.

64.

KEITH(unsure)

Dayton?

The ELDER shakes his head yes.

KEITHSo how do we get there? Do you havelike, a plane for us?

ELDERYou should know that we dontbelieve in planes.

KEITHYeah, I just kind of slipped up.

ELDERHow do they fly? You cant explainthat.

KEITHYou just teleported.

ELDERBut I can explain that.

KEITHHow? How do you explain that?

ELDERMagic.

KEITHAlright, whatever. So we just takea car there?

ELDERId prefer you not take a car.

KEITHWell were taking a car.

ELDERHave fun in Hell.

KEITHI will.

ELDERBe there by tomorrow night.

65.

KEITHDo you have, like, a hotel bookedfor us?

The ELDER teleports.

72 EXT. STREET DAY

The MURDERER walks down the STREET, defeated by locked doorsyet again. As he walks, ED jogs past him, who surveys him.

EDDo I know you from somewhere?

The MURDERER just stares blankly back at him.ED continues jogging, thinking the MURDERER is crazy.

EDWeirdo.


KEITH and ED stand in the living room, discussing plans.

KEITHIt was all useless Ed! They haventgot us any cars, they havent gotus a hotel-

EDSo are we going?

KEITHYeah, I think we have to.

EDWell, what if we dont? What if wejust stay here?

KEITHWhat, we sit like ducks and waitfor the murderer to come get us?

EDWell, why dont we go to someplacetropical, like Florida. OrEbeltoft! That was a good idea.

KEITHWere not going to Ebeltoft! Imnot even sure if thats a realplace!

66.

EDGeez...

KEITHAlright, look, I think we shouldgo. Weve gotta get out of hereanyways, dont we? And plus I dontwant the Mormon Mafia coming afterme.

EDIs that a thing?

KEITHSo we just need to go there for afew days, maybe convert a fewpeople, then we go to Ebeltoft.Alright? Alright.


THE NEXT MORNING

KEITH walks down the stairs, carrying several suitcases byhimself.

KEITHEd, can you open the door for me?

ED walks out from the KITCHEN, carrying many bags of chipsand snacks.

EDIve kind of got my hands full.

75 EXT. THE MARLIN HOME DAY

KEITH opens the door by pushing his entire body into it.Behind him comes ED, carrying the snacks, but eating a bagof chips as well.

KEITHWhat do we need so many snacks for?

EDI assume well get hungry.

KEITH begins putting suitcases in the TRUNK.

KEITHWe can just stop somewhere.

67.

EDWell I get hungry easily. I justwant to be safe.

ED opens the BACKSEAT door and shoves his SNACKS down in theseat.

KEITH(looking up from thesuitcases)

Alright, theres just a few moreinside the house, I need you to getthem for-

KEITH is suddenly caught in a trance, seeing something inthe distance. NICOLE, bathed in a heavenly glow, is walkingher DOG down the street.

KEITHShes here.

KEITH approaches her nervously as ED goes inside.

KEITHHey...Nicole...

NICOLE stops dead in her tracks surprised to see him.

NICOLEOh. Keith.

KEITHLong time no see, eh?

NICOLEIs that my car?

KEITHYeah.

NICOLEI told you to return it in themorning!

KEITHWell, I meant to...

NICOLEThat was a week ago!

NICOLE begins approaching her car, furious and ready to takeit back. She looks in the backseat and sees the SNACKS, someopened and staining her SEATS.

68.

NICOLEOh my God! Youre ruining my seats!

KEITHI can explain-

NICOLEOh, sure you can.

KEITHListen. Its all very simple. Edand I are going to Ohio to becomeMormon missionaries.

NICOLE(confused)

That explains almost nothing.

KEITHListen...

76 INT. ED AND KEITHS BEDROOM NIGHT

ED is in his bedroom, picking up the last of the suitcases.He begins to leave the room, but remembers something. Heshoves the suitcase down and lifts up his mattress, pullingout the photograph of SUZIE. He stares at the suitcase, thenback at the photo.

Suddenly, a DEVIL ED and ANGEL ED appear on his shoulders.

ANGEL EDDont do it, Ed.

DEVIL EDCome on. You know you cant resisther.

ANGEL EDKeith would be mad, Ed. Hed hateyou. Hed resent you.

DEVIL EDBut shes worth it, isnt she, Ed?

ED(frustrated)

I dont know!

69.


KEITH is still in the driveway, explaining his story toNICOLE.

KEITHAnd then he said that he didntusually get Starbucks, and that hewas making an exception.

NICOLEWhat the hell are you talkingabout?!

KEITHIts the truth.

NICOLEOh, now youre telling me thetruth. Never once did you tell methat when we were dating.

KEITHI know! And Im sorry, but can Iplease have the car?!

78 INT. MARLIN HOME DAY

ED walks down the stairs, carrying the suitcases.

EDMom! Ed and I are going to Daytonto become Mormon missionaries.

MOTHER MARLINOK! Just dont do drugs!


NICOLEWhat makes you think that Iactually trust you enough to giveyou that car?

KEITHWell... because I love you, Nicole.

NICOLEIm not even sure you know whatlove is.

70.

80 EXT. ROAD DAY

BEGIN MONTAGE.

ON THE SOUNDTRACK: "L-O-V-E" BY NAT KING COLE.

ED and KEITH drive down a ROAD in NICOLEs CAR.

81 INT. A CAR DAY

KEITH drives while ED is in the passenger seat, eatingCHEESE PUFFs.

EDThese are really good.

KEITHHey! Dont touch the seats! It tookme a lot to get this car.

82 INT. NICOLES HOUSE DAY

NICOLE sits in her HOUSE, counting a STACK of DOLLAR BILLS,smiling.

83 INT. A HOUSE DAY

VICTOR sits on a COUCH in front of a TV. The only light iscoming off of the TV. His throat is slit. BRANDT and SKYLERsurvey his body.

84 INT. A CAR DAY

KEITH and ED continue driving. ED excitedly points out aroad sign to a ROADSIDE ATTRACTION (this all depends on whatstock footage we can get).

KEITH shakes his head no. ED, in anger, slaps him acrossthe face.

85 INT. A FOREST DAY

In the middle of a DENSE FOREST, the ELDER and a largeLIZARDMAN battle with swords. The ELDER steps back and castsa spell on the LIZARDMAN, causing him to fly backwards.

86 INT. A HOUSE DAY

The MURDERER sneaks up on a MAN eating dinner, alone. TheMURDERER stabs him in the chest, killing him.

71.

87 INT. A FIELD NIGHT

L-O-V-E fades out. END MONTAGE.

ED and KEITH lay on the hood of their car, looking up at thestairs.

KEITHYou ever just look up at the stars?

EDI am right now, Keith.

KEITH(pointing at a constellation)

Thats the big dipper.

EDI know. Im not stupid. Literallyeverybody knows the big dipper.

KEITHIts just marvelous.

There is a long pause as ED and KEITH take in the beauty.Their observation is ended when a TRUCK HORN is heard.

KEITH sits up, angered.

KEITHHey, cant you see people aretrying to watch the stars here!

KEITH sits back down, taking in the majesty yet again.KEITH

You know what makes me sad?

EDThe fact that Firefly isnt comingback?

KEITHNo. Well, yes, but what I mean isthat in our lifetime, well nevertruly be able to explore ouruniverse. Our children, and ourgrandchildren, theyll be able totake luxury cruises around Saturnsrings, stay in villas on Mars, andtaste the sweet cheeses of themoon. But us, were stuck here.Maybe, if were lucky, we can get

(MORE)

72.

KEITH (contd)into space once when were reallyold, like forty-five or something.Were stuck here.

EDYeah, I guess we are. But is that abad thing?

KEITHNo, not really. I just want to goon adventures. I dont want to staycooped up all my life.

EDWell this is a pretty goodadventure, I think. Running from amurderer and all.

KEITHYeah, Id say so.

EDKeith?

KEITHYeah?

EDWhat do you think will happen to usafter all this?

KEITHWell, I dont know, life returns tonormal, I guess.

EDBut what if it doesnt? What if weget stuck here, what if we nevermake it home?

KEITHWell, I guess well just have towait and see.

EDAnd what if the murderer catches upto us? What if he kills someone weknow just to mess with us?

Suddenly, KEITHs PHONE begins ringing.

73.

KEITHHold on, I gotta take this.

KEITH hops off the car and takes out his phone, answeringit.

KEITHAhoy?

MOTHER MARLIN(on phone)

Keith?

KEITHYeah?


Victor is dead.

KEITH stares, shocked, his entire world crumbling.


Keith?

KEITHThanks. Thanks for telling me.

KEITH hangs up the phone. In anger, he throws it across thefield and begins kicking up dirt, angry and sad.

ED(calling out for him)

Whats wrong?

KEITH(upset)

Why was that call soconveniently timed?!?

EDWhat is? Keith, did someone die?

KEITHVictors dead.

EDWell, was he murdered?

KEITHI dont know. Probably.

74.

EDWell we best get going.

KEITHNo. We have to go back.

EDGo back? Are you crazy? Listen, ifVictor really was murdered, thenmaybe hes coming after us next.Were safe here.

KEITHYeah, I guess youre right. I justwish I couldve been there for him.

EDWell you couldnt have. Becausehes dead.

KEITHAlright, alright. Lets keepmoving, I guess.

88 EXT. A NEIGHBORHOOD IN DAYTON DAY

ED and KEITH are dressed and ready to convert. They approachtheir first house.

KEITHAlright, just smile.

ED smiles, but only slightly.

KEITHNo, you need like, a big cheesysmile.

ED smiles some more, but it is still not big enough.

KEITHWhat is it? What do you notunderstand about a big cheesysmile?

KEITH smiles a big cheesy smile.

KEITHYou see? Like this.

ED tries, but cannot smile big enough.

75.

KEITHWhatever. Just dont draw too muchattention to yourself.

They ring the doorbell. After a few moments, a WOMANappears.

KEITHHello, do you have a moment to talkabout our lord and savior JesusChri-

EDOur friend was recently found withhis throat slit but we have topretend to be happy so we can keepour job as missionaries here.

The WOMAN stares at them blankly, then shuts the door.

KEITHWhat was that, Ed?

EDJust giving the people what theywant.

ED and KEITH begin walking over to the next house.

KEITHAlright, just let me do the talkingon this one. And remember to keepthat big smile on your face.

ED still does not smile big enough.

They reach the second house and ring the doorbell. After afew seconds, a CHILD answers the door.

KEITHHey there kiddo, is your mommyhome?

CHILDDont patronize me.

The CHILD slams the door in their faces.

KEITHOK, I dont think either of uscouldve predicted that one.

76.

EDYeah. Not really much we could doon that one.

They begin walking to the third house.

EDThough I guess its a lessonlearned. Next time we come upon achild we have to treat it withrespect. You know, thats reallycrucial, connection with ouraudience.

They reach the third house and ring the doorbell. After afew seconds, an OLD MAN opens the door.

OLD MANHello?

KEITHHey, do you have a moment to talkabout our lord and savior JesusChrist.

OLD MANYes, I do. Come in.

89 INT. OLD MANS HOUSE DAY CONTINUOUS

ED and KEITH step into the house.

OLD MAN(motioning to a couch)

Now, take a seat.

ED and KEITH sit down on the couch.

OLD MAN (CONTD)Ill go into the kitchen and fixyou boys a pitcher on Sangria.

KEITHDoesnt that have alcohol in it?

The OLD MAN disappears into the kitchen.

EDBro, we about to get white boywasted.

77.

KEITHPlease never use that terminologyever again. Besides, Im sure hewont give us alcohol.

The OLD MAN emerges from the kitchen carrying a pitcher ofSangria.

OLD MANYou bros are about to get white boywasted!

KEITH(to ED)

Lets get out of here.

ED(to KEITH)

Yeah, this is actually kind ofcreepy.

ED and KEITH sprint out of the house.

OLD MANHey! Wait a minute! Yo bros aregonna miss the finna kickback!Yolo!

The OLD MAN is now all alone.

OLD MAN(sad)

I just want someone to love me.90 EXT. A NEIGHBORHOOD IN DAYTON DAY

ED and KEITH walk away from the OLD MANs HOUSE.

KEITHAlright, one more then were donewith this neighborhood.

EDYeah, this whole thing was a badidea.

KEITHYou wanna go back?

EDNah, we need to make this movie fitat least 85 minutes.

ED and KEITH stop and look directly into the camera.

78.

They approach the front door step and ring the doorbell. Afew seconds later DOG, a strange man who seems to be amixture of Riff Raff from the RHPS and Torgo from Manosappears.

DOGHello.

KEITHHi, do you have a moment to talkabout our lord and savior JesusChrist?

DOGI do have a moment. In fact, I havemany moments. For when you havelived as long as me, you have manymoments to spare.

KEITHSo... yes?

DOGIndeed. Enter Casa de la Dog.

ED and KEITH enter.

91 INT. CASA DE LA DOG DAY CONTINUOUS

KEITHOh, so you like, own dogs?

DOGNo, that is my given name. More ofa curse than a blessing, really.

KEITH looks around. All around them are various strangeobjects, such as a painting of Kramer from Seinfeld, somewood carved dolls, and other various oddities. DOG rushesahead of them.

KEITH(whispering to ED)

You notice something off about thisguy?

ED(whispering to KEITH)

Yeah. Whats with his hair piece?

DOGSomething troubling you?

79.

KEITHNo, were good.

(whispering to ED)Weve gotta get out of here.

ED(whispering to KEITH)

No, lets wait it out. We might geta good story.

They arrive in the kitchen. DOG pulls out two chairs,offering them to sit in them.

DOGTake a seat. I will prepare thefoodstuffs.

ED and KEITH sit down, nervous for what DOG is going to. DOGwalks into the kitchen and pulls out a pot. He sets it onthe oven counter and begins throwing several objects in,including but not limited to carrots, an unopened package ofpudding, and a spoon. ED and KEITH only watch in horror.

DOGCarrot, pudding, metal spoon

Football, hourglass, Macbook Pro

Put those together, then Ill tellyou

That youve just made a stew!ED

(whispering to KEITH)Yeah. Weve got to get out of here.

ED and KEITH get up and begin to run away, but DOG turnsaround, stopping them with the sheer power of song.

DOG(sung)

SIT YOUR BODIES DOWN

EDWhat?!

DOG grabs them and sits them back down in the chairs. Hesings to them aggressively, getting uncomfortably close tothem.

80.

DOG(sung)

KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT

COME ON HAVE A WARM MEAL(spoken)

Itll make you feel real good.

EDWed better be going...

DOG walks back into the kitchen, and grabs the stew, whichis magically boiling despite the oven not being on.

DOG(sung)

WHEN THE KING CAME AROUND

DANCING TO A BRAND NEW SOUND

HE CAME TO ME FOR A FEAST

SOMETHIN TO MAKE HIS HUNGER CEASE

COME ON HE SAID, GIVE ME SOMESTEW

DOG picks up the stew and brings it over ED and KEITH. Heshoves a spoon filled with stew into EDs mouth, who spitsit out immediately, wincing at the taste.

DOG(sung)

WHAT YOU THINK OF THE STEW?

ED(sung)

TERRIBLE

DOG(sung, to KEITH)

NOW TO YOU

DOG tries shoving the spoon into KEITHs mouth, but he doesnot open.

DOG(sung)

COME ON MY FRIEND, TIME FOR YOURSTEW

81.

After KEITH still refuses to open his mouth, DOG grabs him,and begins doing a bizarre tango with him, moving throughoutthe house, with DOG still attempting to shove stew in hismouth.

DOG(sung)

COME ON MY FRIEND, TIME FOR YOURSTEW

CUT TO:

92 INT. MURDERERS HOUSE DAY

The MURDERER stands in his doorway, speaking to BRANDT, whoholds a MISSING PERSONS poster.

MURDERER(sung)

COME ON OFFCER, YOU SEEM TENSE

BRANDT(sung)

ITS REALLY JUST ALL OF THIS STRESS

SEARCHING FOR A LITTLE GIRL

MURDERER(sung)

HAVE MY STEW ITLL ROCK YOUR WORLD

COME ON OFFCER, COME IN FOR STEW

BRANDTWell, maybe just one bowl.

CUT TO:

93 INT. CASA DE LA DOG DAY

DOG and KEITH are still dancing. KEITH still refuses to eatthe stew. DOG, mad, throws KEITH off him and into the chair.

DOG(sung)

WHEN THE QUEEN CAME FOR A SHOW

ROCKING ON THE RADIO

SHE CAME TO ME FOR A SNACK

JUST ONE THING TO BRING HER BACK

(MORE)

82.

DOG (contd)COME ON SHE SAID, GIVE ME SOMESTEW

(spoken)Now you!

ED AND KEITH(sung, but mumbled)

THANK YOU DOG, FOR THIS STEW

DOG, seeing his chance, shoves the spoon into KEITHs mouth,who immediately spits it back out.

DOGWell, if thats how you reallyfeel.

KEITHSo, uh... You wanna hear aboutJesus, or something?

94 INT. MURDERERS HOUSE DAY

BRANDT sits at a table in the MURDERERs dining room, eatinga stew-like concoction similar to DOGs.

BRANDTIts good.

MURDERERI know. Im famous for it.

The MURDERER sits down next to him, eating the stew as well.

BRANDTOh really?

MURDERERWell, not me per se, but mygreat-uncle sold this recipe allacross the country back in the 50s.Even The Queen had it when shevisited.

BRANDTYou must be proud.

MURDERERHe robbed a convenience store andthe cashier shot him in the heart.

83.

BRANDTOh...

MURDERERSo youre a member of the FBI?

BRANDTWell, Junior FBI. Were put out onsome of the more minor jobs whilethe big guys are out with theWar...

MURDERERThe War on Terrorism? Drugs?

BRANDTNo, the War on Piracy. Its tragic,really. But Im close toretirement, it wont be too longuntil Im arresting poor peopletoo.

MURDERERWell, good for you.

BRANDTWhat do you do for work?

MURDEREROh, Im between jobs right now. Iused to work as a cashier at aconvenience store.

BRANDTSort of ironic, dont you think?

MURDERERWhat?

BRANDTYou said your great-uncle killed aconvenience store cashier.

MURDEREROh yeah, that was me.

BRANDTOh. Well then...

MURDERERYou want anything to drink?

84.

BRANDTYeah, I could really use nicerefreshing Fanta drink right now.Im parched.

MURDERERI love Fanta, it has more boldorange taste with less calories.

The MURDERER turns to the camera and winks. He begins tostand up to get it, but BRANDT stops him.

BRANDTNo, Ive got it.

BRANDT walks to the fridge and opens it. Inside is only asingle bottle of Fanta, placed exactly at eye level. Despitethis, he still takes a long time to search for something.The MURDERER watches him, an idea brewing. In a flash, hegrabs a bottle of WINDEX from the counter and hits BRANDT onthe head with it. BRANDT falls to the ground.

95 INT. MURDERERS BASEMENT DAY

The MURDERER drags a bloodied BRANDT through the basement,and sets him on a chair. Grabbing a rope, he ties him to thechair, making sure he cant escape. He takes an open bottleof Fanta (logo towards the camera, off course) lying on atable and splashes it onto BRANDTs face. He wakes up,albeit in a stupor.

BRANDT(entranced)

What? Where am I? And why is therethe scent of fresh, fruity FantaZero?

BRANDT looks at the camera and winks.

The MURDERER stands in front of him, covered mostly byshadow. He holds a pocket knife. Next to him is a boombox ona stool.

MURDERERWelcome to your hell.

The MURDERER presses play on the boombox. An ungodly soundis produced: a MIDI of "Stuck in the Middle with You" byStealers Wheel. The MURDERER begins dancing around him,brandishing his knife as he does so, a la Reservoir Dogs.

85.

BRANDTWhat is that? Is that a MIDI?

MURDERERDont hate bro!

BRANDTWhat? Im not...

The MURDERER jabs at BRANDT, slashing him across the face.BRANDT

(in pain)Gah! What was that for?

MURDERERMIDIs are the future of music, man!

The dance continues. Eventually, the MURDERER picks up amilk carton from behind him. He opens it and beginssplashing the milk onto BRANDT.

BRANDTWhat? Milk? Are you serious?

MURDERERIts expired!

The MURDERER throws down the milk carton and approachesBRANDT, now holding his knife in full view.

MURDERERNow for the fun part...

The MURDERER gets frighteningly close to BRANDTs neck. Heholds his knife to it and snarls. BRANDT shakes with fear,when suddenly:

MURDERERS MOTHER(o.s.)

William Archibald Tybrecker, get uphere this instant!

MURDERER(annoyed, shouting)

What, mom?

MURDERERS MOTHERDid you call your grandmother thisweek?

86.

MURDERERIt doesnt matter

MURDERERS MOTHERYes it does, she misses you, shegets lonely a lot you know.

MURDERERBut mom, Im doing something rightnow that is impor-

MURDERERS MOTHERI dont care do it now!

MURDERER(annoyed, shouting)

Ugh, fine.(to BRANDT)

Ill be right back.

The MURDERER walks up the stairs.

BRANDT, seeing his chance, searches the room for a point ofescape. Next to him he sees a bookcase filled with movies.Using his teeth, he grabs one of the DVDs, marked COP DOG.Still using his teeth, he opens the DVD and pops out thedisk. He drops it onto the ground and then stomps on it,shattering it into bits. He takes off his shoes, and usinghis toes, pulls it up to his hands. With his hands, hestarts slicing through the ropes that bind him, soon isfree, and breathes a sigh of relief.

He gets up from the chair, arms shaking and begins walkingtowards a small window. He takes the walkie talkie out ofhis pocket and begins speaking into it.

BRANDTSkyler?

There is a brief pause before SKYLER cuts in.

SKYLER(over walkie-talkie)

Yeah?

BRANDTI am trapped in the basement of aconvenience store owner.


Again?

87.

BRANDTNo, this time is special. I thinkthis is our Slasher.


You mean the Sandler Slasher?

BRANDTYes, I mean the Sandler Slasher.


Well, where are you? Whats theaddress?

In the background, the MURDERER descends the staircasesilently. However, he is efficient, and very soon arrivesbehind BRANDT.

BRANDTI dont know the address, but Iknow that Im at the residence ofWilliam Archibald-

BRANDT is cut off by the MURDERER stabbing him, He falls tothe ground, dead, the walkie-talkie going with him.

SKYLERSkyler?! What was that? Are you OK?

MURDERERIm quite alright, theres no needto worry.

BRANDT stops dead in his tracks.

SKYLERNow you tell me where you are or Iswear to god Im going to get allthe Junior FBI squad bikessurrounding this town as fast asyou can say hickory bubble.

MURDERERDo that. See what I care.

There is a pause, as if SKYLER is trying to collect histhoughts.

SKYLER(chanting)

(MORE)

88.

SKYLER (contd)Pilosus videris in itinere nonverentur faciem ejus in alvum ferroperit.

MURDERERWhat? What is that?

SKYLERIts Latin.

MURDERERWhat? Why are you quoting Latin?

SKYLERFor the exorcism?

MURDERERThe exorcism of what?

SKYLEROh. Never mind then.

SKYLER hangs up the walkie-talkie.

96 INT. JUNIOR FBI OFFICE DAY

SKYLER holds his ear to the walkie-talkie, but does notspeak. He holds an expression of shock: he cannot believehis partner is partner is dead. Finally, he switchesfrequencies to the chief.

SKYLER(stunned)

Chief?

CHIEF(over walkie-talkie)

What is it?

SKYLERBrandts dead.


Dead? What do you mean?

SKYLERThe Sandler Slasher got him.


Im sorry Skyler, but weve gotbigger problems on our hands now.

(MORE)

89.

CHIEF (contd)This crook Ive got in backdownloaded the entire third seasonof Breaking Bad. Thats like,public execution bad.

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Lets Be Missionaries Second Version