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LITTLE DREAMS MY DAINTY DAME
A Play in Two Acts
BY
ANTHONY SHAFFER
2ND DRAFT. APRIL 1 9 8 9 .
CAST O F CHARACTERS
NORMAN BARTHOLOMEW
RHOMA LENON WOMBAT
ACT ONE
ACT ONE
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
A chintzy, over-stuffed drawing room furnished with massive mahogany antiques and old-fashioned opaque glass wall lamp fittings. Glimpsed at the back of the stage through net curtains, and window bars, and a French window a l s o barred, is a white-washed brick area topped with railings, a pavement and a half of a lamp-post, the top of which is blurred for us by the top half of an opaque transom. A door to a kitchen area is upstage right.
Prominently placed downstage is a blackboard, on an easel.
NORMAN BARTHOLOMEW enters. He is about fifty five and dressed in a severe black suit. €le is followed by a pert, pretty cockney girl in her mid twenties. She is dressed in an old-fashioned type of sprigged Laura Ashley type dress. The time, about five o'clock - an hour before dusk - is proclaimed by a wall clock.
There is no spectacle more agreeable t h b to observe an old friend fall from a rooftop. Would you not agree, my dear Rhoma?
I'm afraid I've never seen one do it. It don't seem all that agreeable to me.
Surely yours is a sinfully misspent life?
I dunno. I've enjoyed it so far.
Ah so far! But how much farther, that's the question !
Is it?
Absolutely. If you can find no pleasure in the misfortunes of near and dear o n e s , you certainly won't have a l l that much fun in the future. In all distresses of our friends, we first consult our private ends. While nature, kindly bent to ease us, Points out some circumstance to please us.. . as the Divine Swift has it ... On the other
1-2
NORMAN (Cont.)
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
hand I can see t h a t you g e t your s a t i s f a c t i o n from h e l p i n g others . I t was j o l l y n i c e of you t o d r i v e m e back i n your smart l i t t l e motor. The re ' s n o t h i n g n i c e r i n the world t h a n having a p e r t c h a u f f e u s e , I always s a y . And you are c e r t a i n l y p e r t , my d e a r . Y e s , p e r t and p r o v o c a t i v e !
Thank you, s i r .
Pe rhaps i f you w e r e t o be permanent i n t h e
s i t u a t i o n , I migh t r e q u i r e t h e a d d i t i o n of a cheeky cap t o t h e ensemble, b u t f o r t h e moment it w i l l do w e l l enough. My own b a n g e r ' s i n hosp i t a l I ' m s o r r y t o say.
I n h o s p i t a l ? What can you mean?
Just my f o o l i s h way of s a y i n g in t h e garage. A t r i f l e w h i m s i c a l , I ' m a f r a i d . Always been a weakness of mine h a s whimsy. Peter Pan ... C h r i s t o p h e r Robin?
I d o n ' t know h i m .
The c o l d ' s so cold, and t h e h o t ' s so h o t - you know ... Hark h a r k whisper who d a r e s , C h r i s t o p h e r Robin i s s a y i n g h i s p r a y e r s . Great s t u f f !
It sounds bloody awful t o m e , - n o t t h a t I ' d know. 1 d o n ' t read a11 t h a t much mese l f . Just romances. M u m c a l l s it t r a s h .
I t ' s o n l y t r a s h if i t ' s f o r money, I ' m s u r e you a g r e e . O t h e r w i s e romance i s t remendously i m p o r t a n t . Two l o n e l y peop le coming t o g e t h e r . Suddenly hav ing something t o l i v e f o r .
H e app roaches . She backs o f f , b u t not much.
1-3
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
Yes, w e l l I m u s t be g e t t i n g back t o t h e Agency. Did you l i k e t h e house I showed you? Can I say y o u ' l l be making an o f f e r , M r Kipper?
Why d o n ' t you call m e Dan?
Perhaps w e should keep it formal , i f i t ' s a l l t h e same t o you, M r Kipper .
Why? There's n o t h i n g ve ry formal about the
name Kipper now i s there?
I dunno. I t ' s your surname i n n i t ?
IS it?
H e a g a i n approaches her. She s t a n d s her ground.
T h a t ' s t h e name you gave my boss, M r G r e a l i s h .
M r G r e a l i s h ! You c a n ' t r e a l l y b e l i e v e a man w i t h a name l i k e t h a t now can you?
Why not?
I t ' s so t e n t a t i v e , - so evas ive . G r e a l i s h . P
H e ' s n o t a rea l G r e a l . Only a crypto-Grea l . H e ' s p l a i n l y an obscene l i a r . I mean would you r e p e a t a n y t h i n g he s a i d t o your c h i l d r e n o r s e r v a n t s ?
W e d o n ' t have no s e r v a n t s , i n ou r house ' c e p t m e t h a t is.
H e p u t s a n a r m round her
s h o u l d e r and addres ses he r i n an e x a g g e r a t e d l y sympathe t ic v o i c e .
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NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NOFMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
Bit of a drudge are you? . . . Y e s , well, that's why I've decided to take you away from all that.
(coquettish) Take me away? 'Ere what do you mean?
Well you're here aren't you?
I suppose so. But only f o r a few minits.
Oh no. It will be for l onge r than that - much longer I hope.
He kisses her impulsively.
Naughty! .....
I'm sorry. It's just you're so pretty!
Ta, but I'm afraid I can't stay all that long , Mum's expecting me f o r tea at six.
Tea eh! What do you have for tea usually?
Fridays - it will be kippers most like.
W e l l you simply can't go. I've got a much better tea f o r you here. Proper cucumber sand- wiches with the crusts cut off, egg and cress ditto, a stack of muffins and a smashing walnut cakey from Fullers. Better than kippers eh?
(brightening) Suppose so.
There's no suppose about it. So perhaps you 'd better j u s t better telephone Mumsy and tell her you'll be staying o u t l a t e with kindly client Kipper on firm's business. T e l l her in fact you'll be having another kipper for tea. Ha Ha Ha! That's all you're required to say -
(Continued)
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NORMAN (Cont. )
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
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RHOMA
no need t o e l a b o r a t e f u r t h e r . J u s t c o n f i n e y o u r s e l f t o f a c t s , and l e t h e r g e t on w i t h h e r p i s c a t o r i a l feas t w i t h o u t you.
N o w now. Language!
(close) I know - shameful! ... Well what do
you s a y ?
W e l l I dunno.
W e 1 1 I do. And w h i l e y o u ' r e about it, you might as w e l l make it t h e week-end. Your f i r m does have c o u n t r y p r o p e r t i e s y o u ' r e r e q u i r e d t o show people f r o m t i m e t o t i m e , d o e s n ' t it?
I suppose so. But t h e weekend's a bit of a
l o n g ...
Good. Tell h e r S u t h e r l a n d . A manor house i n S u t h e r l a n d . A huge sa le in p r o s p e c t . I t ' l l
p r o b a b l y mean promot ion f a y o u i f you p u l l off t h e b u s i n e s s . You know t h e s o r t o f t h i n g . But I ' m s u r e I d o n ' t need t o t e l l you how t o fib t o your mother . A naughty g i r l l i k e you has almost c e r t a i n l y been do ing it f o r t h e p a s t twenty y e a r s .
Now l o o k 'ere ...
No r o u t i n e b r i d l i n g please. Why d o n ' t you j u s t g e t on w i t h it w h i l e I g e t t h e tea .
(Ho t ly ) I d o n ' t t h i n k I shou ld r e e l y - I mean n o t till w e ' r e b e t t e r a c q u a i n t e d . Anyway I
d o n ' t t h i n k she 'd b e l i e v e m e all t h a t much. I ' m n o t r e e l y allowed t o do b i g sales and t h a t . I
j u s t show l o c a l s t u f f i f t h e r e a i n t no one e lse avai lable .
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NOFUGAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMa
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
And v e r y handsomely you do i t t o o , my dea?. With g r e a t f l a i r , and knowledge of what a proper home shou ld be.
W e l l thank you. I a i m t o p l e a s e .
And you do - h i g h l y . Look why d o n ' t you j u s t q u i c k l y make t h a t c a l l , and I'll busy myself w i t h
t h e supe rb s p r e a d I ' v e prepared .
Look, I ' l l have some t e a w i t h you, - and then maybe w e cou ld go t o a show u p West o r something.
A show up W e s t ! W e are t h e show. You and m e - p a r t i c u l a r l y you.
I ' m no show. I'm a n i c e g i r l I am.
Have I s a i d o t h e r w i s e ?
W e l l you w a s s u g g e s t i n g ...
A l i t t l e s imple k i n d n e s s t o poor o ld Kipper t h a t ' s
a l l . Nothing more. Nothing more i n all . t h e world, I do a s s u r e you.
She i n d i c a t e s t h e c o n t e n t s of
t h e room.
You a i n t so poor.
I meant i n t h e a r e a of human exchange, t h a t ' s a l l . As you see I ' m a l o n e l y s o r t of chap - t h rough a series of unhappy a c c i d e n t s u t t e r l y devoid of re la t ives and f r i e n d s . The s o c i e t y of a charming young l a d y i s j u s t what I need t h i s weekend t o s a v e m e from t h e ravages of t e r m i n a l me lancho l i a .
RHOMA Whatls t h a t ?
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NORMAN
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RHOMA
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A wasting disease brought on by friendlessness and rejection.
Why was you wanting a big house then, if you 'ad no friends?
(Lofty9 I thought I might board orphans, and the homeless poor. That way I'd have some comp- anionship, and they would have a roof over their heads.
That's very sweet!
Perhaps it's a duty one owes. But let's not talk of it. Come on. Say you'll spend the week- end.
I don't know ... What will you think of me after?
At least I won't think you're a tease.
I'm not. You can't say as what I've led you on.
Well, it's about time you did. You're such a shining light - and shining lights lead.
I'll think about it ... And I'll get the tea while you do.
Norman busies himself bringing in a huge spread of delicacies, necess- itating many trips to the kitchen. Everything is on elaborate silver stands with attendant slices, knives tongs, and other cutlery. Rhoma's eyes widen, and after standing indecisively for a brief moment, she surrenders.
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RHOMA
RHOMA
(To herself) W e l l why n o t ? It might be a b i t of a l a r k .
She crosses t o t h e a n t i q u e t e l e p h o n e ups t age and l i f t s t h e r e c e i v e r .
Hornchurch 381 p l e a s e ...... Thank you.
A pause. Behind h e r back Norman s i l e n t l y p u t s h i s head
round t h e door, and l i s t e n s , a v u l p i n e s m i l e of s a t i s f a c t i o n on h i s face.
RHOMA H a l l o mum. It's m e Rhoma . Look mum, someth ing ' s (Cont 'd ) come up. I w o n ' t be home t h i s weekend. I ' v e
got t o go t o ...... She t u r n s f o r h e l p . Norman wipes t h e s m i l e f r o m h i s face and hisses:
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
Su the r l and!
S u t h e r l a n d ... What? ... I t ' s i n ... S c o t 1 and !
S c o t l a n d ... I t ' s a b i g coun t ry house s u i t a b l e fo r lots of o rphans and poor d e s t i t u t e s t o l i v e i n ... Yes i t ' s f o r a c h a r i t a b l e i n s t i t u t i o n , and i f I manage to sell it, it'll mean I g e t a raise. What? ... Well I know M r G r e a l i s h would no rma l ly go, b u t h e ' s s i c k ... Look mum, I d o n ' t know what h e ' s g o t , somethink n a s t y I
e x p e c t ... What 's t h a t ? ... Who as I going w i t h ?
... H i s name i s Kipper . M r Dan Kipper ... (With a l augh) Oh d o n ' t be so awful mum. . . I t ' s h i s name . . * W e l l h e ' s about f i f t y . Look mum, I've g o t t o go . . . 1'11 t e l l you all about i t l a t e r ... What's t h a t ? , . . O f c o u r s e I'll t ake care.
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RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
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She s m i l e s ove r a t Norman comple t e ly c o m p l i c i t . H e
s m i l e s back, a11 innocence.
See you Monday ... 'Bye.
She p u t s t he phone down.
Was t h a t a r l r i g h t ?
H e kisses h e r
Per fec t e s p e c i a l l y abou t the f i f t y and your
mum d o e s n ' t have t o worry. We'll t a k e very sound care of you. And now fo r t e a . C o m e and s i t here and I'll s e r v e you.
She s i t s as he pours t h e tea.
Sugar? M i l k ? Lemon?
Mi lk . Three lumps p l e a s e .
I knew you w e r e a s w e e t t o o t h t h e moment I
s a w you. Sweets t o t h e sweet eh?
He d r o p s t h e lumps i n from a g r e a t h e i g h t , s u i t i n g t h e a c t i o n s t o t h e word.
Three l i t t l e s u g a r lumps a l l i n a row One got drowned and t h e n t h e r e were two. Two l i t t l e s u g a r lumps o u t f o r some f u n One g o t mel ted and t h e n t h e r e was one. One l i t t l e s u g a r lump s i t t i n g by a bun G o t popped i n a cup of char and t h e n t h e r e w e r e none.
H e hands her t h e cup g r inn ing d i s c o n c e r t i n g l y over t h e r i m .
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Oh no! The rule here i s bread b e f o r e cakey.
H e offers h e r t h e sandwhich s t a n d .
Cucumber o r egg and cress?
M y mum s a y s cucumber g i v e s you h e a r t b u r n , I'll have them others .
so
A d i s t i n g u i s h e d c h o i c e if I may s a y so.
She takes one.
( w i t h p e c u l i a r emphasis) something h o t - a p i e c e of f r i e d k idney €o r example - b u t not today .
Sometimes I s t a r t w i t h
( u n c e r t a i n l y ) N o . N o t today .
She sp rawls and wigg le s her t o e s .
T h i s i s cosy. cosy s i t t i n g room.
I t must be l o v e l y t o have a n i c e
Cosy it may be , b u t n a i c e it i s n ' t . c e r t a i n l y i s n ' t a sitting room.
And it If i t ' s anyth ing
i t ' .s a drawing room.
Yes, w e l l i t ' s a bit c l u t t e r e d f o r a drawing room. I can see why you was t h i n k i n g of moving.
I see what you mean - too much of e v e r y t h i n g . A f t e r a l l it has been s a i d t h a t a s i n g l e body on the drawing room floor is more h o r r i b l e t h a n a dozen b u l l e t - r i d d e n bod ies down a da rk alley.
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She looks at him, startled, and suddenly half determined to leave.
Why was you thinking of bodies?
1 often do. It's a bit of a hobby of mine.
What? ... What do you mean?
He undresses her with his eyes.
I'm very much concerned with bodies. thought you'd appreciate that.
I
She giggles and shifts flirtatiously.
Yes ... Well I can see that. Naughty!
She dutifully takes another sandwhich.
Can I have my (his word) cakey now?
Of course. We're not here to torture you (Beat) are we?
She gives him a look at the odd inflection in his voice.
I should think not indeed.
Absolutely no t .
He cuts her a gigantic piece of cake and hands it to her.
There now. Mr Fuller's best!
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NORMAN
RHOMA
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RHOMA
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RHOMA
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She chokes on it as he h e l p s i t i n t o h e r mouth. H e s l a p s h e r on t h e back s o l i c i t o u s l y .
I'm so s o r r y m y dear. Went down t h e wrong way, d i d it?
She coughs , s p l u t t e r s and d r i n k s some t e a .
T h a t ' s be t te r .
She smiles a t h i m . H e s m i l e s back n e u t r a l l y .
Where shou ld w e r e a l l y go t h i s weekend - er Dan?
Why - n o t S u t h e r l a n d ? Grand views. As ton i sh ing beef ca t t l e . G l o r i o u s s i n g l e m a l t whisky (Meaningfu l ly) - and miles of l o n e l y moorland.
D o n ' t t h i n k I f a n c y it a l l t h a t much. Sounds a b i t d raugh ty .
Then you s u g g e s t .
How a b o u t ".. How about t h e South of France?
I ' m a f r a i d you p r o b a b l y d o n ' t have q u i t e t h e a t t r i b u t e s f o r t h a t .
You mean I ' m n o t p r e t t y enough?
N o t i n t h e l eas t . You're as p r e t t y a s a p i c t u r e and as p r o v o c a t i v e a minx as I e v e r d i d ... But do you p o s s e s s a l a r g e s e l e c t i o n of modish gowns, and a s e c u r e command of t h e games of B a c c a r a t and Chemin d e f e r ?
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N O W N
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I must s ay I w a s rather r e l y i n g o n you f o r them
t h i n g s (.
A misp laced trust I'm afraid. I have a b e a s t l y P u r i t a n s t r e a k i n m e as you w i l l d i s c o v e r .
I do hope y o u ' r e n o t g o i n g to turn o u t t o be
mingy.
What m e ! ... I t ' s L i b e r a l i t y H a l l here. You w i l l be r e l e a s e d f r o m a11 your cares - you'll see.
T h a t ' s n i c e .
As I w i l l be when Dan Kipper i s famous.
You s a i d i t wasn't your name.
W e l l I mean t o say - i t ' s n o t very l i k e l y i s it.
It is a b i t u n u s u a l I suppose.
N o t as unusual as y o u r s though, my d e a r , you must admit.
I d o n ' t know. There are many p e o p l e called af ter a n i m a l s - l i k e you y o u r s e l f f o r i n s t a n c e . I know a Mr F i s h , and a M r Haddock, and a
Mrs Bird, and a M r C r o w e , and a M r P i n s c h e r , and a Mr Coote, and a M r s Swan, and a M i s s Cowe ...
N o , n o t r ea l ly - a Miss Cowe?
W e l l S t a t e Registered Nurse Raelene Cowe a c t u a l l y . She was ever so good - used t o give t h e p l a c e where s h e w a s g o i n g t o i n j e c t you a n i c e little p a t b e f o r e s h e d i d it.
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A cow p a t eh? Must have t a k e n some c l e a n i n g up.
( g i g g l i n g ) Don ' t be so d i s g u s t i n g ...
W e l l even so, I d o n ' t see how you can go th rough l i f e w i t h a name l i k e Raelene Cowe.
W e l l you go t h r o u g h it w i t h a name l i k e Dan Kipper .
I've o n l y borrowed it for a l i t t l e wh i l e . And anyway i n t e r m s of t h e r i d i c u l o u s i t ' s n o t a p a t c h on y o u r s . I mean t o say how can you bear t o walk abou t t h i s p l a n e t w i t h a name l i k e R h o m a Lenon Wombat!
I suppose i t ' s bet ter t h a n Raelene Wombat.
T rue , b u t n o t much.
D i d n ' t your mother e v e r t e l l you i t ' s very r u d e t o make p e r s o n a l remarks.
C o n s t a n t l y . But you see s h e w a s never any good a t i t .
A t what?
Being rude . I w a s . S t i l l a m f o r t h a t matter. It's what I do best. I mean why should I c u t o u t my s p e c i a l i t y t o p l e a s e her. I d i d n ' t a s k h e r t o abandon h e r s d i d I - and God knows it w a s u n p l e a s a n t enough.
What w a s it?
She could €a r t t h e Marseillaise. Our French f r i e n d s neve r cared f o r it, mind. They always wanted h e r t o change t o God Save t h e Queen, o r i f she w a s feeling p a r t i c u l a r l y long winded, Land of Hope and G l o r y .
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N O W N
W e l l , why d i d n ' t she?
She always f e l t E lga r w o u l d n ' t understand. H e had enough d i sappo in tmen t s i n h i s l i f e , o n l y b e i n g knighted i n s t e a d of being made an E a r l .
What do you mean, by t h e way, you only borrowed t h e name Dan Kipper?
I mean q u i t e obviously i t ' s a nom de plume, a l i a s , s o u b r i q u e t , o r allonym.
You mean i t ' s no t your real name?
A mind l i k e a s t ee l t r a p ! A c t u a l l y you see, i t ' s an anagram.
Anagram?
A s i n a w o r d o r ph rase formed from t h e letters of others. You f i n d t h e m used a l o t i n cross- w o r d puzzles. I t a l y - seven letters. S a l e r n o ... Or Tree Producing F i r Cone a l s o seven letters. Both l i t t l e gems eh?
For i n s t a n c e N e w Orleans in
Coni fe r .
I know what an anagram is . W e had a j o l l y good one t h e o t h e r day i n t h e paper . No i s l e s s Wild Animals n i n e le t ters . Know w h a t it w a s ?
( i r r i t a b l y ) N o .
L i o n e s s e s .
Very good! clever, what word does Dan Kipper make?
... Now i f y o u ' r e so marve l lous ly
H e cha lks it up on t h e
blackboard i n c a p i t a l l e t t e r s .
G o on .
1-16
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R IDMA
She s t u d i e s t h e words f o r a l o n g b e a t t h e n p u t s a
l i n e through t h e l e t t e r s KIND.
Kind ...
She then p u t s lines through M P E .
Rape.
Y e s . I f o n l y t h e o u t s t a n d i n g P was an R we
could have had Kind Raper. such a t h i n g as a k ind r a p e r , M i s s Wombat?
D o you t h i n k t he re ' s
( f i r m l y ) N o . I don't.
O h I r a t h e r see myself i n t h a t r o l e sometimes - c o n s i d e r a t e y e t E n s i s t e n t ...
H e approaches c l o s e t o he r .
She backs o f f .
While we're on t h e subject , do you r e a l l y t h i n k there 's such a t h i n g as r ape?
Yes. Y e s , I do, o f course . Everybody knows t h a t s i l l y !
Not everybody. p e r s u a s i o n t h a t a l l male aggres s ive sexua l behaviour i s welcomed by the female, even a c t i v i t i e s of t h e g r e a t e s t s e v e r i t y .
There a r e t h o s e of t h e
( f i r m l y ) W e l l I ' m n o t one of them.
T h a t ' s only because y o u ' r e a herbiverous, m a r s u p i a l mammal.
Beg pardon?
1-17
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T h a t ' s what wombats are, of t h e genus Phascolomis.
Reely? I though t t h e y were Aus t r a l i an .
So t h e y are. They l i v e on F o s t e r s .
What are F o s t e r s ?
I t ' s a gaseous beer of unsurpassed i n s i p i d i t y .
I d o n ' t l i k e beer much. But I ' d love a g inger b e e r . I though t I n o t i c e d you had a b o t t l e i n t h e larder.
( u r g e n t l y ) You d o n ' t want t o touch t h a t !
She r e t u r n s w i t h a g inger b e e r b o t t l e i n which i s a s t i c k y red g l u e - l i k e subs t ance .
I t d o e s n ' t look v e r y n i c e .
It i s n ' t . I w a s exper iment ing - t r y i n g t o make
some r e d ink . You're r e a l l y much better o f f w i t h
your tea.
H e h a s t i l y pours some i n t o her cup, and hands it t o h e r .
There you are. p u z z l e ? I t ' s r e a l l y q u i t e s imple.
Now have you so lved my l i t t l e
It cou ld be k ind pape r .
But t h a t i s q u i t e meaningless ... Here, 1'11 give you a s t a r t , and l e t ' s s t o p kidding about - t h a t ' s a c l u e by t h e way.
H e t akes t h e cha lk from h e r
and writes KID on t h e blackboard.
1-18
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N o w what words do you know t h a t s t a r t w i t h KID? There a r e n ' t many. T h e r e ' s Kidderminster - a f a i r l y recherche) make of c a r p e t , Kidney, a t a s t y snack when f r i e d , and which i s a s you probably know, a g l a n d u l a r o rgan found i n t h e stomach c a v i t i e s of m a m m a l s , even wombats, Kiddle a b a r r i e r i n a r i v e r t o c a t c h f i s h , and t h e r e ' s I t h i n k o n l y one more ...
She looks on i n dawning ho r ro r as NORMAN adds t he remaining l e t te rs .
I g i v e you an N . I g i v e you a n A. I g ive you a P. I g i v e you a n o t h e r P . 1 g ive you an E .
And 1 g i v e you an R.
She t a k e s i n t h e whole word KIDNAPPER, and suddenly screams, h i g h and p i e r c i n g l y - a dea th scream.
No! ... She r u n s f o r t h e door. It i s locked . Then f o r t h e
French window. A l s o locked. She runs d i s t r a c t e d l y round the room. NORM?iN watches her w i t h the i n t e r e s t you would accord a specimen i n a k i l l i n g j a r .
P l e a s e d o n ' t e x h a u s t y o u r s e l f .
My m o t h e r ' s g o t your name ...
E x a c t l y . Dan Kipper t o give t o t h e police, as does
your o f f i c e .
She has t h e name of t h e i n e l u c t a b l e
(Wild ly) They' 11 come!
1-19
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Where? To Sutherland?
They have your phone number in the office.
They have a phone number in the office. -
P a u s e . She considers the position fighting for calm.
Alright ... So? ... Why p ick on me?
It seemed to me that you are a strumpet, And I take a particular interest in strumpets.
Strumpets ?
Fallen women. Erring sisters. Harlots. Trollops. Cocottes. F i l l e s de joie. Street Walkers. In short Unfortunates, or more graphically, Whores!
'Ow do you know what I am mister?
I have studied your career in amatory dalliance from a distance - that's how.
Amatory what?
Love making, Wombat.
'ere. You mean you've been spying on me?
Of course. I've been watching you on your front porch in arborial Hornchurch, on many a night as you kiss goodnight to Ned and Ted, and Jack and Jason, and Rory and Robin, and B i l l and Phil, and I don't know who else.
Of all the cheek! They're just: boy friends. But none of them went too far. We never did
(Continued)
1-20
RHOMA no th ink r e e l y naughty .
(Cont ' d)
NORMAN C o m e now. You c a n ' t e x p e c t m e t o b e l i e v e t h a t .
One t h i n g l e a d s t o a n o t h e r .
RHOMA Not a lways . I know how t o say no, w h i c h i s more t h a n what m o s t g i r l s do, so I s a y a g a i n why p ick on m e ?
NORMAN Because i n a d d i t i o n t o s t r u m p e t i n g , you have one
v i t a l a t t r i b u t e .
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Am I supposed t o g u e s s ?
R e s t r a i n your se l f : f x o m p e r t n e s s , madam. I a m r e f e r r i n g t o your name. c a n ' t be t w o p e o p l e c a l l e d Rhoma Lenon Wombat.
A s I s a i d before there
N o . A l r i g h t . So what?
L e t ' s p l a y a game of cogna te anagrams, and I'll.
e x p l a i n .
O f what?
Cognate anagrams - words o r p h r a s e s which are d e f i n e d by t h e i r anagrams.
Give m e a n example.
W e l l l e t ' s see ... The Wages of S i n i s Death
becomes I t ' s owed S a t a n High Fees.
O h t h a t game.
You know it.
Course. magazines .
M u m and m e p l a y it a l l t h e t i m e i n t h e T h e r e ' s one i n eve ry week.
You w o u l d n ' t l i k e t o show m e a f e w you know would you?
1-21
He points to the blackboard.
She goes to the blackboard and writes what she speaks, cancelling the letters with a stroke as she goes.
RHOMA Waitress. A Stew Sir.
NORMAN Excellent!
She writes again as she talks.
RHOMA The Taming of The Shrew. Her Mate Won The
Fights.
NORMAN studies it and smiles delightedly; looking at her with renewed respect.
NORMAN But that’s marvellous! You can have another piece of cakey for that.
RHOMA Only if I feed it to myself.
He cuts it for her and she
munches it greedily.
Know what mum’s favourite was?
NORMAN shakes his head.
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
Florence Nightingale.
She writes it up. He studies it.
Difficult ... I can see an angel in it. Clever. It’s (writing as she talks) Flit on Cheering Angel.
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Y e s , y e s . I see ... Very t a s t y . Any o thers?
( w r i t i n g and c a n c e l l i n g as before) Stone Ga the r s No Moss. S t ro l l e r On G o Amasses Nothing.
A Rolling
N i c e !
( W r i t i n g and c a n c e l l i n g as before) Ten Commandments. C a n ' t Mend Most Men.
V e r y good.
( W r i t i n g and c a n c e l l i n g as b e f o r e ) One Good
Turn Deserves Another . N o , rogues never do endor se t h a t !
(Happ i ly ) M o r e ! ... More!
M e a t Ball. S t a l e Lamb. Western Union. N o W i r e
Unsent. The Mona L i s a . Ah Not A s m i l e .
( E x c i t e d ) You ' r e a t r e a s u r e . L e t m e t r y you on one. B e t you c a n ' t form one word from the l e t te rs in New D o o r .
Pardon?
I said I b e t you c a n ' t f o r m one word from t h e
letters i n New Door.
She ponder s for a long moment.
I dunno.
The q u e s t i o n i s the answer.
( D e l i g h t e d ) O f course i t is! I t ' s One Word! ... Form One Word from New Door! ... Very good ... Give m e a n o t h e r one.
1-23
NORMAN A l r i g h t .
NORMAN
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And now of your
D o e s n ' t
NORMAN c r o s s e s t o t h e b lackboard and wipes it c l e a r .
Here goes .
H e w r i t e s on t h e board SENTENCE
O F DEATH. She looks a t it numbly all g a i e t y suddenly gone.
I c a n ' t see it. You'll have t o do it
H e w r i t e s on t h e board FACES ONE
AT THE END.
She g i v e s a n alarmed c r y . H e t u r n s s m i l i n g towards h e r . The l i g h t d e c r e a s e s t o i n d i c a t e t h e drawing i n of t h e a f t e r n o o n d u r i n g which RHOMA moves t r a n c e l i k e t o s i t a t t h e t a b l e . NORMAN watches h e r s o l i c i t o u s l y . There i s s i l e n c e between them for a long b e a t .
1 would i n v i t e you t o w r i t e up t h e l e t te rs name on t h e b lackboard .
S h e w r i t e s RHOMA LENON WOMBAT on the b l ackboard .
t h a t seem t o you, my d e a r , t o be a name d e s t i n e d f o r a s h o r t l i f e and a merry one.
What do you mean a sho r t l i f e ?
What I say!
H e g r i n s a t her a l a rming ly . r e c o g n i s e s unequ ivoca l ly t h e danger s h e i s i n .
She
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( suddenly b reak ing) O h p l e a s e ... I a i n ' t done no th ing Dan ... M r Kipper ... O h s h i t w h a t ' s
your r e a l name? What do I ca l l you?
Well now you're getting w a r m .
Look you know my name ... You bet I do. It t o o k y e a r s t o f i n d it. But now you've g o t t o guess mine.
Suddenly he w h i r l s about her
Cossack f a s h i o n .
L i t t l e dreams my d a i n t y dame R u m p l e s t i l t s k i n is my name.
Yeah, but s h e found o u t , didn ' t . she?
( h a r d ) And so w i l l you, w i t h a l i t t l e he lp from your f r i e n d l y Kipper .
She s t a r t s t o cross o u t t h e letters. BORE.
( f u r i o u s ) B o r e !
I ' m s o r r y , i t ' s o n l y a s t a r t .
NORMAN rough ly t a k e s t h e chalk f r o m her, and as he speaks , crosses o u t t h e l e t te rs . She
backs away t o keep t h e t ab l e between them.
N.O.R.M.A.N. Norman. B.A.R.T.H.O.L.O.M.E.W.
I'm a f r a i d t h a t d o e s n ' t mean much t o me . A r e
you famous or something?
In a way - b u t I've been cons t r a ined so f a r l n o t t o t a k e t h e c r ed i t f o r my l i f e ' s work.
1-25
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m a w
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Which is?
The policing of public virtue..The correction of wantonness. But this doesn't mean I don't want to be famous. And you see if I cannot be famous for doing something inspiring, or at least instructive, I can at least become infamous. To which end I have decided to become a famous murderer, and take the credit!
Whatever f o r ?
Vanity mostly. 1 like to inspire fear. And also it's a kind of challenge to God. It's like saying you're not the only one who decides when the Grim Reaper comes sound.
How do you know he hasn't already decided, and you're merely like carrying out h i s orders?
You really are a natural v ic t im aren't you?
I don't think so. Why? Are you ...... Are you planning to murder me?
Of course.
(Shuddering) Oh my God! Why? ... Why me?
I just told you for Christ's sake. Your name is an anagram of mine.
So what?
Can't you see how famous I shall be? a word game to the police. Dan Kipper is an anagram of Kidnapper:, and they'll immediately tumble that in the absence of any other motive, you have been selected as a victim
Proposing They'll soon see t h a t
(Continued)
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(Cont ' d )
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on account of your h i g h l y unusual monniker., and t h a t it must t o o be an anagram, and one t o boot t h a t a c t u a l l y s p e l l s o u t t h e name of your murderer . What a d a r i n g f e l l o w I a m t o be sure . They c a n ' t f a i l t o a r r e s t m e , and 1 should say t h a t I ' d be i n for s o m e s p e c t a c u l a r p u b l i c i t y which
w i l l l e t m e t a k e m y r i g h t f u l p l a c e w i t h Crippen and Seddon, and George Joseph S m i t h , and the rest of t h e great homic ida l g e n i i .
C h r i s t ! O h God! You r e a l l y are mad!
I'm n o t in a p o s i t i o n t o judge.
I though t you l i k e d m e .
Loved, even.
W e l l t hen . . ...
To be h a r s h and d e c e i t f u l towards t h e person one loves i s so n a t u r a l ! If t h e i n t e r e s t w e manifest i n o t h e r s does n o t prevent ou r be ing k ind t o them and sympa the t i c towards t h e i r wishes t h i s is because this i n t e r e s t i s a p re t ence . W e are i n d i f f e r e n t t o the wor ld i n g e n e r a l , and i n d i f f e r e n c e is n o t conducive to mal ice .
Was you q u o t i n g someone?
Yes, I was. P r o u s t .
Who's e?
A frog b o r e . ( s p e l l i n g i t o u t ) P.R.O.U.S.T.
The anagram i n c i d e n t a l l y is s tupor .
H e l aughs hugely.
But I a m n o t i n d i f f e r e n t t o t h e world my dear
Rhoma, be l ieve m e !
1-27
An uneasy silence falls.
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What happens now?
I do you up!
She suddenly bolts for the kitchen and slams the door and locks it. NORMAN smiles in a self-satisfied way, and slowly rises.
There's no way out that way , Wombat. (Singing it out) I'm coming to get you!
He picks up t h e coal cleaver and w i t h a single gigantic blow staves in the panel above the l ock . He reaches in, turns the key, and opens the door. In silence he leads out the trembling, sobbing RHOMA.
(cajoling) You don't really want to do this you know ...
Oh but I do. Mind your it would help if I were more convinced.
Convinced?
He produces a sheaf of no tes .
Here's twenty pounds! Go into the bedroom.
She takes the money a s a reflex, then realising what she has done, hurriedly hands it back.
No! Keep your money1 I'm not one of them - strumpets !
B u t you are Rhoma! ... I've seen you. Take the money. Here I'll make it twenty five!
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I t e l l y e r I d o n ' t do it f o r money.
For love then?
That might be d i f f e r e n t .
I t ' s no u s e t o m e .
N o . I d i d n ' t t h i n k it was.
(sad) What would you know about it.
H e moves t o slump i n t h e a r m - c h a i r , an appa ren t ly exhausted and d e f e a t e d man.
I ' m s o r r y , Dan. I mean Norman. Reely ,...
H e looks a t her , and nods h i s head.
I ' m sorry.
M e t o o .
She walks towards t h e door.
I'd like t o go home now ... Please.
( p a t h e t i c t r y i n g it o n ) leave o ld Kipper a l l on h i s ownsome t h i s weekend are you?
So y o u ' r e going t o
She p a u s e s , a l r eady half seduced by h i s ac t .
' F r a i d so. You ' re a b i t t o o creepy f o r m e .
I t w a s o n l y a game.
H e bu r i e s h i s f a c e i n h i s hands. She stands i n d e c i s i v e l y , then
1 - 2 9
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moves t o comfort: him, p l a c i n g a hand on h i s shoulder .
A game?
A l o n e l y , s t u p i d m a n ' s game. A b i t of f u n , t h a t ' s
all.
O r l r i g h t ! . . . O r l r i g h t ! I'll s t a y for a moment.. . . ( s k i t t i s h ) T e l l m e as ' o w you was going t o do it t h e n ?
NORMAN looks g r a t e f u l l y a t her, and e n t e r s i n t o t h e s k i t t i s h s p i r i t of t h e
game t o come.
The same o ld way, I suppose.
H e draws h i s f i n g e r across h i s t h r o a t .
What? ... H o w feeble!
( s u r p r i s e d ) F e e b l e ?
Abso lu te ly . You want t o become t h e m o s t famous murderer ever, and t h a t ' s a l l you can th ink of!
You d o n ' t l i k e it?
I t ' s a b i t common ... b u t I suppose as long as i t ' s t h e most p a i n l e s s ...
NORMAN W e l l what: would you cons ide r more p a i n l e s s than a l i t t l e n i c k i n t h e r i g h t p l ace?
RHOMA I dunno. Some p i l l s perhaps.
NORMAN I ' v e g o t some s t r y c h n i n e .
RHOMA Going t o s l i p them i n t h e shampoo, was you?
1-30
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Thought I migh t .
Bloody awfu l p a i n i n t h e pinny.
Thought t h e cocoa r a t h e r t han the shampoo.
Cocoa? Cocoa? T h a t ' s no t very f a i r i s it?
I s n ' t it? Why n o t ? Might h e l p w i t h t h e p a i n -
T o h e l l w i t h t h e p a i n . Why should I be found dead h o l d i n g a b l eed ing cup of cocoa?
Why s h o u l d n ' t you? Don't you d r i n k cocoa?
Not i n p u b l i c - and not f o r my f a r e w e l l performance. Y o u ' l l want my h a i r i n c u r l e r s n e x t .
You mean it would have t o be champagne?
O f c o u r s e it would , and t h e very best.
T a i t t i n g e r do you?
I dunno abou t t h a t . It sounds a b i t t a t t y .
I a s s u r e you it's very d i s t i n g u i s h e d .
W e l l o r l r i g h t , b u t I mean you 've g o t t o start t h i n k i n g t h a t t h e vict im is a s important as t h e murderer . How she 's d re s sed . What she would look like. Even famous l a s t words.
What! I ' v e never heard such nonsense!
I t ' s p e r f e c t l y t r u e . Look a t Crippen. H e
was o n l y famous because his v i c t i m Belle E l m o r e was on the Music H a l l s t a g e .
1-31
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N O W N
Nonsense. He was famous because he was caught by radio.
Well what about Kings and Presidents and people?
You mean political assassinations? They don't count.
Why not?
Because the victims are only killed because they are famous.
Well I don't care. If I was going to be the star of your murder I'd want to look proper.
Like wearing clean knickers if you're knocked down in the street?
That's it, mister.
So I suppose you'd want a new dress.
A n d jewellery - and a hairdo.
A hairdo?
Well I couldn't be found like this, I? Mum would never get over it.
could
No, I'm afraid I couldn't allow the hairdo.
Why not?
You'd tell.
who to?
Well I suppose the hairdresser for a start.
1-32
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No I wou ldn ' t .
O f c o u r s e you would. It's only n a t u r a l . You'd be a p e r f e c t ninny n o t t o .
W e l l I suppose I would, yeah. B u t you could s t i l l choose m e a new f r o c k , and some nice e a r r i n g s and some t a t t y shampoo. I wouldn ' t have no cocoa, mind.
Rightho , I a g r e e .
I suppose I c o u l d n ' t have a f a c i a l and m e n a i l s done?
' F r a i d n o t . I t ' s l i k e t h e ha i rdo .
I ' d tell?
As I sa id ,
Suppose so .
y o u ' d be s t u p i d not wouldn ' t you?
She r e l a p s e s i n t o moody s i l ence .
( t r y i n g t o c h e e r he r up) You could always give y o u r s e l f a f a c i a l and h a i r d o c o u l d n ' t you, I mean i f I l e f t you h e r e and went t o t h e chemist and bought you all t h e f ix ings .
She g l a n c e s a t t h e phone.
You'd have t o c u t the phone o f f of course .
N a t u r a l l y !
Pe rhaps I'd go blonde. I f you've only got
one d e a t h why not d i e i t as a blonde.
She laughs h y s t e r i c a l l y .
1-33
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Why n o t i ndeed? I t i s t h e ve ry c o l o u r a t i o n of h a r l o t r y .
Y o u ' d s t i l l do it w i t h s t r y c h n i n e ?
W e l l it i s in t h e g r e a t t r a d i t i o n of N e i l 1
C r e a m , C h r i s t i a n a Edmunds, and Thomas G r i f f i t h s Wainewright, but of cour se I ' v e g o t my own t r a d i t i o n t o cons ide r .
I f you was go ing t o use poison I r e e l y do t h i n k I'd p r e f e r a less p a i n f u l one.
Acon i t e? Antimony? A r s e n i c ? Chloroform? Cyanide? D i g i t a l i s ? Hyoscine? Morphine? N i c o t i n e ? Phosphorous? Seconal? Thallium?
I t h i n k Morphine sounds t h e eas ies t .
W e l l I ' m a f r a i d I s imply h a v e n ' t got any. S o r r y ... B u t I t e l l you what I have g o t .
NORMAN crosses t o open a drawer
i n a bureau and produces a revolver. RHOMA r ega rds it u n e a s i l y .
NORMAN A w a r s o u v e n i r
RHOMA I t ' d make a b i t of a mess wouldn ' t it?
NORMAN Well i t ' s e i t h e r t h i s , t h e s t r y c h n i n e o r ...
He makes t h e f i n g e r a c r o s s t h r o a t g e s t u r e .
I must t e l l you my p r e f e r e n c e would l i e w i t h t h e l a t t e r .
RHOMA O r l r i g h t . What would you do w i t h m e ?
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K i l l you h e r e , and t a k e you t o an h o t e l . T h e r e ' d I ' d per form my l i t t l e b i t of s p e c i a l magic, l e a v e , and t h e n c a l l t h e po l i ce c o n f e s s i n g t o t h e crime i n t h e name of Dan Kipper . I ' d a l so t e l l them t o t h i n k a n a g r a m a t i c a l l y , and t h e n maybe I ' d send them a l e t t e r just t o gee them a l l up.
What would happen i f t h e y d i d n ' t s o l v e it.
I ' d see t h a t t h e y d i d .
What do you mean by y o u r l i t t l e b i t of s p e c i a l magic?
Cosmetics , my d e a r . I mean a cosmetic d i s p l a y . You would be s e e n as never b e f o r e . I t is a
promise.
T a ... what h o t e l ?
You c o u l d choose i f you l i k e d .
M e mum and m e once s t a y e d a t t h e S t rand Pa lace . They served smashing t h i c k Devonshire Cream w i t h t h e p o r r i d g e .
Well you w o u l d n ' t be too much concerned w i t h t h e c u i s i n e t h i s t r i p .
( d e f e a t e d ) N o . I suppose no t .
Cheer up. I t h i n k we could do b e t t e r than t h e S t r a n d P a l a c e .
B e t t e r ?
More r e f i n e d . What do you say t o C la r idges . One of t h e A r t Deco s u i t e s t he re?
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Yes, p l e a s e . And you would l eave m e looking n i c e w o u l d n ' t you?
I ' v e a l r e a d y promised you. You would be a r r a n g e d u n f o r g e t t a b l y .
G o on ...
You would be t h e b e l l e of t h e b a l l .
H e kisses h e r .
Now t h e n I must be o f f t o t h e chemist . T h e r e ' s one open till midnight next door .
And d o n ' t f o r g e t m e f rock ... un les s you've g o t something n i c e here , one of your g i r l f r i e n d s l e f t .
Before he can s top her she opens a b i g wardrobe r e v e a l i n g a number of c l o t h e s hanging w i t h i n . She t a k e s down a long b lack coa t and p u t s it on.
Pooh. I t ' s a b i t musty and o l d fashioned.
She q u i c k l y removes it and t a k e s down a l e a t h e r apron and p u t s it on. It i s no t i ceab ly s ta ined.
T h a t ' s ra ther c h i c . I ' v e always l i k e d l e a t h e r .
N o , t h a t ' s h i g h l y unsu i t ab le . Better l eave it a l l t o m e .
You ' re n o t r e a l l y going o u t t o shop a r e you?
C e r t a i n l y I am.
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Oh p l e a s e d o n ' t s t a r t all t h a t aga in . I ' v e o n l y been humouring you, you know.
( sudden ly f u r i o u s ) Humouring me!
( f i r m l y ) I'm go ing home now. P lease unlock t h e d o o r .
I s h a l l do no such t h i n g . I'll t e a c h you t o humour m e , you s l u t . I t ' s no t i m e t o go home, now t h a t we have g o t e v e r y t h i n g going a g a i n w i t h such a jolly swing.
He h e l p s h e r o u t of t h e apron t h e n crosses t o lock the gun i n the bureau drawer, and pocket t h e key.
N o my g i r l . You'll stay here, and w e ' l l d r e s s you a c c o r d i n g t o your p rope r s t a t i o n i n l i f e -- and dea th!
With a l i t t l e wave he leaves the stage, unlocking t h e door and r e l o c k i n g it a f t e r h i m .
R O W l ooks d e s p e r a t e l y around h e r , s e e s t h e telephone and r u n s t o it and l i f t s t h e receiver.
C h r i s t Almighty! Why t h e bloody 'ell d i d I s t a y ? I should 'ave sca rpa red when I
had t h e chance. Thank God he forgot my s u g g e s t i o n t o c u t o f f t h e phone ...... Hornchurch 381 ... and quick abah t it!
A nerve s t r e t c h i n g pause.
Hello mum .... L i s t e n , I ' m a t .....
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NORMAN suddenly bounds i n t o t h e room and r i p s t h e te lephone cord o u t of t h e w a l l .
S i l l y m e . I n e a r l y l e t you r u i n t h e whole t h i n g . But I CI w i l l g i v e you a s p o r t i n g chance. go ing t o lock you i n , and you w i l l have f i v e minutes maximum t o g e t o u t . I t won ' t t a k e m e l o n g e r t h a n t h a t t o do t h e shopping. You never know, one of t h e b a r s on t h e window might be
r u s t e d th rough .
I ' m
He l i f t s t h e l a c e c u r t a i n s t o reveal them.
O r have a good scream. The people u p s t a i r s might h e a r your i f t h e y h a v e n ' t l e f t a l r eady f o r t h e i r t h a t c h e d S u f f o l k o l d e worlde weekend hove l , which would s u r p r i s e m e because they always l e a v e prompt ly a t f i v e o ' c l o c k on a F r i d a y t o beat t h e t r a f f i c , and i t ' s now s i x f i f t e e n . C a n ' t do f a i r e r than t h a t can I?
I f I g e t o u t , a r e n ' t you s c a r e d I ' l l t e l l t h e
p o l i c e ?
T e l l t h e m what?
A pause wh i l e she t h i n k s it th rough .
I see what you mean... You a i n ' t done noth ing y e t .
W e l l t h a t ' s n o t s t r i c t l y t r u e , I ' v e p u t you i n f e a r of your l i f e , and t h a t ' s a n a s s a u l t .
( m i s e r a b l y ) They wou ldn ' t b e l i e v e me - t h a t someone is daft enough t o want t o become a
famous murde re r ,
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RHOMA
( g r i m l y ) T h e y ' l l b e l i e v e me!
H e wa lks t o t h e door and p o i n t s t o t h e w a l l c lock .
Ciao! Remember ... Five minutes!
H e leaves, c l o s i n g and lock ing t h e door behind h i m .
C h r i s t ! I ' v e got t o g e t o u t of h e r e . H e ' s
as mad as a f u c k i n g m e a t axe ...
She l o o k s a t t h e clock.
F i v e minutes .
She r u n s t o t h e door . I t i s f i r m l y locked . She shakes
it in v a i n . She then r u n s t o t h e drawer t o g e t t h e gun.
Shoot t h e lock. o f f . . . .
The drawer i s locked. She t u g s a t it i n f r u s t r a t i o n . She then runs t o t h e French window, and t u g s a t t h e i r o n b a r s . S u r p r i s i n g l y a f t e r 4 o r 5 goes t h e 6 t h p u l l s it loose. She tr ies t o scramble t h r o u g h t h e ho le t h u s made, b u t g e t s s t u c k h a l f way. She s t r u g g l e s d e s p e r a t e l y t o get t h e lower ha l f t h r o u g h , b u t f a i l s and has to g i v e up. The c lock shows t h r e e minu tes have passed. She tries o t h e r b a r s , b u t c a n ' t s h i f t them. She
s ta r t s s h o u t i n g a t t h e c e i l i n g .
Help! ... H s l p ! ... Help me! ... Help!
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MALE COCKNEY V O I C E
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She p u t s h e r head o u t of t h e window and shouts aga in .
Help! . . . Help! ... Please he lp m e !
She g e t s s t u c k aga in a f t e r a n o t h e r a t t e m p t t o wr igg le th rough t h e b a r s .
( o f f ) Ka l lo? . . a Is t h a t someone shou t ing for h e l p ?
Yes ... I t ' s me!
(off) Who's me? Where are you?
Basement f l a t . Norman Bartholomew's on t h e be l l . Where are you?
(off) On t h e pavement above you.
I: c a n ' t see you.
Never mind. What ' s t h e matter?
H e ' s t r y i n g t o k i l l m e ... He's mad! He's g o t t h e door locked , b u t h e ' s corning back!
(off) C h r i s t ! . .. A r e you sure?
O f c o u r s e . I t e l l you h e ' s barmy. Can't you h u r r y . H e ' l l be back i n a m i n i t .
(off) Give me your hand. 1'11 pull you through t h e bars .
A man's hand comes i n t o view.' She g r a b s i t , and he p u l l s hard . Gradua l ly s h e eases through t h e bars i n t o t h e area.
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RHOMA Thanks a w f u l l y .
She looks up and screams.
O h God!
NORMAN drops l i g h t l y down b e s i d e h e r , c a r r y i n g shopping bags.
NORMAN Hard cheese! But my c o n g r a t e r s on a r e a l l y v a l i a n t e f f o r t . Mind you I d i d say f i v e minutes and i t i s now s i x , I b e l i e v e .
H e l o o k s through t h e glass a t t h e c lock which confirms h i s
s t a t e m e n t .
So r ry f o r t h a t r e a l l y a t r o c i o u s cockney accen t by t h e way.
H e un locks t h e French window w i t h t h e b a r r e d g l a s s and ushers h e r back i n t o t h e room. H e locks t h e French window and pocke t s t h e key, t h e n unpacks h i s p a r c e l s ; s u i t i n g h i s a c t i o n s t o h i s words.
And now ... bet ter t h a n a shampoo - a che rub ic w i g , and under it one f e a t h e r boa, one p a i r w h a l e bone corsets, one sequinned Edwardian M u s i c H a l l costume w i t h d a r i n g d g c o l l e t a g e , complete w i t h spangled t i g h t s , and d i m a n t 6 p a s t e e a r r i n g s , and bootees . I n o t h e r words t h e complete s t r u m p e t ' s o u t f i t . Rhoma Wombat becomes B e l l e Elmore!
RHOMA looks a t the costume t h u n d e r s t r u c k .
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W e l l d o n ' t you l i k e it? I promised you y o u ' d be t h e b e l l e of t h e b a l l .
I t ' s n o t m e .
Oh y e s it i s . Look how e a s i l y I pe r suaded you t o s t a y w i t h m e t h i s weekend. T h a t s l u t deserved e v e r y t h i n g s h e g o t - t o r t u r i n g and d e r i d i n g h e r poor r e s p e c t a b l e l i t t l e husband - ( h a r d ) P u t it on! And hu r ry . I bel ieve she
w a s a q u i c k change a r t i s t !
RHOMA s t r i p s off and changes i n t o t h e B e l l e Elmore costume. NORMAN w a t c h e s a v i d l y a s she becomes t h e whore. F i n a l l y , when a l l i s i n place s h e p o s e s p r o v o c a t i v e l y , hand on h i p ,
i n an u n c e r t a i n a t t e m p t to p l e a s e .
How about a c o u p l e of choruses of Bye Bye L i t t l e
Yellow Bird?
' F r a i d I d o n ' t know it.
NORMAN advances on h e r and takes her t h r o a t i n h i s hand.
W e l l t h e n I ' m a f r a i d i t ' s going t o have t o be
Bye Bye L i t t l e Wombat!
Are y e r s u r e you h a v e n ' t got any morphine. I s t i l l t h i n k it sounds the easiest ( p r o v o c a t i v e l y ) and it would be i n the great t r a d i t i o n of t h e ingen ious Robert Buchanan, and C a r l y l e Harr is .
NORMAN steps away from her, and r e g a r d s her curiously.
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A l r i g h t . I can w a i t . Why ingenious?
You a i n ' t hea rd of them?
( e v a s i v e l y ) I have momentarily f o r g o t t e n t h e i r
i n g e n u i t y .
The l i g h t s f a d e t o dimness.
W e l l Buchanan was an Edinburgh quack, as what t r i e d t o k i l l h i s t h i r d wi fe , - no, c a l l m e a l i a r , h i s second w i f e Anna i n N e w York i n 1 8 8 6 , a f t e r g e t t i n g 'er t o change 'er w i l l i n ' i s f avour l i k e . You may n o t know t h i s , bu t
when y e r u se morphine, t h e p u p i l s of t h e eyes go a l l s m a l l l i k e p i n p o i n t s , and i t ' s a b i t of a giveaway a t l eas t t o o t h e r d o c t o r s . So
w h a t ' s t h i s cunning geezer do? I'll t e l l yer. H e p u t s Bel ladonna i n 'er eyes which made t h e
p u p i l s expand, and t h i s flummoxed and bamboozled t h e f e l l e r s a s were doing t h e a u t o . . . t h e ...
Autopsy.
T h a t ' s it. The au topussy .
I d o n ' t unde r s t and . I f he only t r i e d t o k i l l
h e r , why w a s t h e r e an au topsy?
W e l l t h a t ' s t h e funny t h i n g . You see she w a s n ' t r e e l y dead . She came back t o l i f e i n
t h e morgue, saved by somethin i n t h e Belladonna which would y e r believe, helped r e s t a r t t h e
h e a r t .
R e a l l y ? ... How a s t o n i s h i n g !
Yeah, b u t b e f o r e t h a t , t h e l awyer s what were p r o s e c u t i n g l i k e , a c t u a l l y k i l l e d a c a t i n
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RHOMA c o u r t by g i v i n g it morphine, and t h e n used (Cont ' d ) Bel ladonna t o dial ...
She widens h e r eyes by way of
i l l u s t r a t i o n .
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Di la te .
T h a t ' s r i g h t . To d i a l a t e i t s p u p i l s . How about t h a t !
Cur iouse r and c u r i o u s e r ! A r e you absolutely s u r e ?
You b e t your l i f e . You must u s e it too. I t h i n k I s h a l l look r a t h e r n i c e wi th huge eyes.
NORMUJ s t u d i e s her w i t h
renewed r e s p e c t a s t h e l i g h t s come up.
How d i d you know about t h i s chap i n New York?
It's a b i t b e f o r e your t i m e i s n ' t it?
M e dad t o l d m e . H e used t o be a crime r e p o r t e r on a New York p a p e r . H e ' s doing t h e same t h i n g on t h e Te leg raph h e r e now. Got h i s own column and a l l .
H a s he? The W i t and Wisdom of Wombat, e h ?
You d o n ' t have t o be sarky. He could be a b i g
' e l p t o you - b r i n g i n g th ings t o o f f i c i a l n o t i c e and e v e r y t h i n k .
( t h o u g h t f u l l y ) I should t h i n k he'd make a b i g
e f f o r t , s e e i n g i t ' s h i s own daughter .
Yeah ... H e l o v e s me, does my dad.
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Good. I t ' s a funny t h i n g about dads. They o f t e n l o v e you, even when they d o n ' t approve of what you do.
What ' s t h a t supposed t o mean?
W e l l you know ... Your dad c a n ' t always approve of your boy f r i e n d s can he?
Suppose n o t .
W e l l never mind. Tell m e about t h i s Ca r ly l e H a r r i s . . .
H e was a med ica l s t u d e n t who a l s o t r i e d t o k i l l
h i s w i f e w i t h Morphine - i n 1 8 9 2 .
Another N e w Yorker?
Yeah.
The l i g h t s fade t o dimness.
The man was a t o t a l i d i o t . H e t r i e d t o t o p her w i t h morphine s u p p o s i t o r i e s a s what 'e t o l d 'er would c u r e h e r insomnia. I n showing 'er how t o , - w e l l shove them up, he used one on ' i m s e l f , and it m e l t e d , and ' e f e l l i n t o a s t u p o r , and s h e escaped , and called a doc tor who found o u t what ' e w a s up t o .
NORMAN ( l a u g h i n g ) What a lucky g i r l . Who'd have b e l i e v e d
i t?
RHOMA Yeah w e l l t h i n g s d o n ' t always work o u t t h e way
y e r t h i n k t h e y ' r e go ing to .
NORMAN I suppose n o t ... You must have many obscure American s t o r i e s t o t e l l , i n h e r i t e d from your f a t h e r .
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( l a u g h i n g ) A thousand and one.
More.
Not f o r t h e moment.
She i s s i l e n t a s t h e l i g h t s come up t o f u l l .
J u s t one .
O h o r l r i g h t . 1 know ano the r good one about the same p a r t of t h e body.
You mean . . .
The arse. T h a t ' s r i g h t .
W e l l why n o t ?
The l i g h t s dim.
I n 1 9 0 9 i n San F r a c i s c o there w a s a feller c a l l e d Hyde who set o u t t o murder h i s r i c h
wife by p l a c i n g a n army grenade i n t h e commode s e c t i o n of ' e r wheelchair .
NORMAN l aughs d e r i s i v e l y .
O h come on , t h a t ' s too much!
N o , h o n e s t . You see w h a t 'appened was t h a t the n u r s e used t o t ake her f o r walks, pushing her c h a i r a l o n g a c l i f f t o p , and t h e i d e a w a s fo r t h e c h a i r t o blow up when she used t h a t p a r t of it. H e ' d g o t it a l l wired up y e r see.
It c e r t a i n l y l e n d s a new dimension t o c o l o n i c
i r r i g a t i o n . What happened?
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She e scaped because t h a t day t h e o l d duck ' a d c o n s t i p a t i o n , and never used it!
RHOMA and NORMAN laugh
companionably t o g e t h e r .
The l i g h t s come up.
Q u i t e remarkable! What fun! I wonder i f he ever g o t the money he was p l a i n l y a f t e r .
O r t h e change of p a r t n e r ... I ' m a f r a i d I d o n ' t know, though i t sounds t o m e as i f he could lave used t h e morphine s u p p o s i t o r i e s !
W e l l it does s e e m a p i t y t o go t o a11 t h a t
t r o u b l e for n o t h i n g .
I know ... D i d y e r e v e r hear t e l l of t h e B a t
Murderer of Sea t t l e?
I c a n ' t believe t h e r e w a s such a person. You mean he murdered bats?
The l i g h t s d i m .
O h no. H e l i k e d t o commit 'is murders while hanging u p s i d e down o r s t and ing on ' i s lead. H e a t t a c k e d twenty t w o l a n d l a d i e s between 1 9 0 6 and 1 9 2 2 , q u o t i n g t r a c t s from t h e b i b l e a s he
d i d so.
Twenty t w o dead l a n d l a d i e s - t h a t ' s q u i t e a haul.
Oh he d i d n ' t a c t u a l l y succeed i n k i l l i n g any of t h e m . Because he was ups ide down he always s t u c k t h e k n i f e i n t h e wrong p l a c e . O f course 'e s p e n t a lot of t i m e i n j a i l €or a s s a u l t , but t h e only per son ' e succeeded i n killing was a n RSPCA I n s p e c t o r who s t r a n g e l y enough had c a l l e d a t ' i s house t o enqu i re about some poisoned bats!
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NORMAN How i n c r e d i b l e ! ... T h a t ' s t h e b e s t s o f a r .
The l i g h t s come up.
RHOMA Y e s , I t hough t y e r ' d l i k e him.
NORMAN Any more?
RHOMA W e l l l e t m e see now ... T h e r e ' s Wayne S t Yale, a n ac tor a r r e s t e d i n Memphis Tennessee i n 1 9 1 4 f o r a b a r n murder , wh i l e a c t u a l l y p l ay ing i n Maria Marten and The Red Barn Murder! ...
The l i g h t s dim.
J u s t as i n t h e p l a y , 'er mother dreamt t h a t ' e r daugh te r 'ad been murdered and b u r i e d i n a local barn . They found a sha l low grave b u t no one and n o t h i n g i n it, excep t one of h e r e a r r i n g s . S t Yale w a s found g u i l t y , and was w e l l on ' i s way t o t h e e l ec t r i c c h a i r , b e f o r e they found o u t t h e whole t h i n g w a s a p u b l i c i t y s t u n t f o r t h e show!
NORMAN Imposs ib le t o b e l i e v e . D i d n ' t t h e g i r l come forward.
RHOMA W e l l t h i s i s t h e r e e l y odd b i t . She d i d n ' t . Most peop le t h o u g h t s h e ' d gone off on t h e t o o t somewhere and f o r g o t t e n all about it, b u t t h e t r u t h w a s she w a s p r e g n a n t by ' i m , and ' h e ' a d a c t u a l l y t r i e d t o murder h e r , b u t s h e ' d escaped i n t h e h o r s e and g i g he had r e n t e d f o r t h e s t u n t .
NORMAN I t ' s a l l d e l i c i o u s l y convolu ted .
The l i g h t s come up. NORMAN
moves t o pour bo th of them a
brandy and soda, u s ing a d e c a n t e r and s iphon.
I o f t e n t a k e a brandy and soda about now. Would you care f o r one?
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Y e s p l e a s e . B u t no t r i c k s now.
T r i c k s ?
I d o n ' t want no p o i s o n nor noth ing .
Don't worry about it. That m a t t e r has a l r e a d y been dec ided , even though it might have been t e m p o r a r i l y postponed ...
H e hands h e r t h e g l a s s .
Long l i f e !
I ' m a f r a i d I c a n ' t r e c i p r o c a t e t h a t p a r t i c u l a r t o a s t ... Cheers!
They d r i n k , and resume s i t t i n g c o s i l y .
Want to h e a r abou t a r e a l l i f e Sweeney Todd?
Y e s p l e a s e .
The l i g h t s dim.
I t w a s i n 1 8 9 7 . Adoph L o u i s L u e t g e r t were t h e
g e n t ' s name. Two hundred and f o r t y pounds i n we igh t , and r andy as a p i c k l e . H e had a sausage f a c t o r y i n Chicago. H e t r i e d t o p u t h i s rnissus th rough t h e mince r , b u t she escaped by p u t t i n g h e r glass eye i n t h e c o a r s e c u t , and blowing t h e game. H e c o u l d n ' t do i t no more a f t e r t h a t ,
' c o s everyone w a s having a good l o o k see a t the
i n s i d e of t h e bangers .
Never !
1-49
RHOMA W e l l t h a t ' s how my daddy t o l d i t . I t might
have been an engraved go ld r i n g now.
NORMAN laughs d e l i g h t e d l y .
RHO And t h e n o f c o u r s e t h e r e were Dr Arthur Jarren Waite, a N e w York d e n t i s t as what gave h i s l a d y a n a s a l s p r a y f u l l of t u b e r c u l o s i s b a c t e r i a . ' e a l so used c h l o r i n e gas , and t r i ed t o g i v e t h e old g e l pneumonia by w e t t i n g h e r s h e e t s .
NORMAN But s h e w a s t o o tough eh?
RHOMA Oh no. He f i n a l l y g o t drunk, and s l e p t i n t h e s h e e t s h i m s e l f , and g o t a r t h r i t i s so bad he couldn ' t g i v e h e r no th ink no more!
RHOMA and NORMAN laugh b r i e f l y . She i s a t t h e end of h e r r e sources . Both are s i l e n t as t h e l i g h t s s tar t t o c o m e up.
NORMAN And Shahrazad Wombat pe rce ived t h e dawn of
day , and c e a s e d say ing h e r p e r m i t t e d say .
RHOMA g r i n s a t him appea l ing ly , found o u t .
RHOMA You've guessed it.
NORMAN Most i n g e n i o u s , my d a i n t y dame! So you t h i n k I w o n ' t k i l l you because of your thousand and one s tor ies , i n which q u i t e improbably a11 t h e l a d i e s seemed t o escape t h e i r fate?
RHOMA ( s o f t l y ) They d i d n ' t r e e l y . I j u s t made them
b i t s up. and M r Ha r r i s ' s morphine worked o r l r i g h t , and
t h a t f e l l e r k i l l e d them l a n d l a d i e s - name of Ea r l e
Leonard Nelson , and t h e sausage f a c t o r y chap
k i l l e d h i s mi s sus o r l r i g h t , and D r Waite w a s n ' t even
M r s Buchanan d i d n ' t wake up i n t h e morgue,
(Continued)
1-50
RHOMA t r y i n g t o murder h i s l it was h i s f a t h e r i n law, (Cont ' d ) and t h e bomb i n t h e whee lcha i r was a l l made up and
e v e r y t h i n k ... I j u s t thought y e r might ...
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L e t you o f f ?
W e l l y e s ... i f t h e y w a s s o r t of funny enough.
NORMAN looks a t h e r w i th genuine t e n d e r n e s s .
(unconvinc ing) I wou ldn ' t count on it.
Supposing I t e l l you a b e t t e r person t o k i l l .
B e t t e r ? I n what s e n s e ?
A b e t t e r game for t h e p o l i c e t h a n my name be ing an anagram o f yours.
Good. I ' m a l l ears.
Why d o n ' t you choose someone who has e x a c t l y t h e s a m e name as your own. That would be sheer g e n i u s , d o n ' t you t h i n k ?
The s h e e r e s t , e x c e p t t h a t it is a f a t e achieved by e v e r y s u i c i d e .
A pause . H e examines her c r i t i c a l l y .
You know 1 r e a l l y do wish you were a proper p a i d up whore. Those c l o t h e s r e a l l y d o n ' t look r i g h t on youl and it would make a l l t h i s so much easier .
Look Norman, I know what you r e a l l y want. I t ' s m e i s n ' t i t ? C a n ' t you j u s t say Rhoma I
fancy you. easier
T h a t ' s what would make it a l l so much
1-51
You t h i n k so? NORMAN
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Of c o u r s e , silly. A l i t t l e b i t of nooky - t h a t ' s
a l l y e r r e a l l y a f t e r , boy. Y e r can have it y e r know - i f you l e t m e go a f t e r .
NORMAN c o n s i d e r s t he p r o p o s i t i o n w i t h keen i n t e r e s t .
A l r i g h t . You can l e a v e most of t h e c lobber on. J u s t remove t h e undergarments.
She s t e p s o u t of t he spangled t i g h t s .
You may l e a v e the boo tees o n .
H e k i s s e s h e r , b u t t h e embrace becomes d e s u l t o r y . I t i s obvious t h a t he c a n ' t g e t it up. H e s t e p s away f r o m her ashamed and f u r i o u s .
What's t h e m a t t e r ?
Nothing. I'm j u s t n o t ready y e t .
A l o n g pause. They look a t each
o t h e r . She r e p l a c e s h e r t i g h t s .
You know 1 j u s t might fo l low up o n - t h a t s u g g e s t i o n of y o u r s t o choose someone who has e x a c t l y t h e same name as my own - a f t e r
t h a t i s , I ' v e d e a l t w i th you.
I though t y e r w a s n ' t going t o do it now. though t y e r w a s go ing t o lave m e i n s t e a d .
I
I've changed my mind. l i k e you d i d , j u s t d i d it. You are a whore a f t e r all, and t h o s e are t h e t y p e of women I ' m down on. A t least I w a s - b e f o r e I
r e t i r e d t h a t i s .
Of fe r ing your se l f t o m e
1-52
RHOMA R e t i r e d ? ... When w a s t h a t e x a c t l y ?
NORMAN T h i r t y y e a r s ago! My career w a s a l a s so s h o r t l i v e d - a mere t h r e e months, and t o t a l l y anonymous. I h a v e n ' t done a job s i n c e then , and most p e o p l e t h i n k I committed s u i c i d e i n t h e Thames. The head of t h e C I D S i r M e l v i l l e MacNaughten was convinced 1 w a s a b a r r i s t e r c a l l e d Montague John D r u i t t . O t h e r s thought I was N e i l 1 C r e a m , F r e d e r i c k Deeming, and a l s o D r Alexander Pedachenko, t h e Duke o f C la rence , and t h e Queen ' s p e r s o n a l p h y s i c i a n S i r W i l l i a m Gul l . My background, i n a d d i t i o n h a s been cons ide red t o be Doctor, M i d w i f e ,
Pol iceman, Pork Butcher , Slaughterman and Freemason. Oh i n t h o s e days I w a s a par ty game a l r i g h t you 've no i d e a - they were a l l
so c u r i o u s , and m y s t i f i e d , and b e s o t t e d by my p a r i a h - l i k e o u t r a g e s , as they were c a l l e d . "Another Whitechapel Horror" screamed t h e I l l u s t r a t e d P o l i c e N e w s . "More Revol t ing M u t i l a t i o n Than Ever! Can no one r i d us of this p e s t i l e n t phantom! And so on and so f o r t h . My God, b u t I gave v a l u e f o r money a l r i g h t , and even today t h e merest mention of my name
i s enough t o s t r i k e a t h r i l l of p u r i e n t c u r i o s i t y i n t o even t h e m o s t blas6 h e a r t .
H e chuck le s w i t h se l f -approval as RHOMA regards him hypno t i ca l ly f a s c i n a t e d , as c e r t a i n t y s t a r t s t o dawn about what e x a c t l y he i s c l a iming .
NORMAN rises and p u t s on t h e s t a ined
l e a t h e r apron .
RHOMA Who are y e r t h e n ?
1-53
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N o t g o t i t y e t e h ? Tch! ... W e are th i ck ! W e l l p e rhaps t h e names of my c l i e n t s may ass i s t . A l l of them were on t h i s s i d e of t h e A t l a n t i c , so your daddy w i l l be of no use t o you. F i r s t w a s Mary Ann, - " P r e t t y P o l l y " N i c h o l l s . Second, "Dark Annie" Chapman. Th i rd , E l i z a b e t h "Long L i z " S t r i d e . Four th , Ca the r ine Eddowes, and f i f t h Marie J e a n e t t e Ke l ly ...
She g i v e s a l i t t l e s h r i e k of r e c o g n i t i o n .
G o t it now? Course you have. I on ly gave up because I w a s u n f o r t u n a t e l y i n c a r c e r a t e d f o r a n o t h e r , t o t a l l y d i sconnec ted p e c c a d i l l o . A s a mat ter of f a c t I o n l y go t o u t , as they say , l a s t week, and y o u ' l l be t h e f i r s t s i n c e t h e l u c k l e s s M i s s Ke l ly .
( d i s b l i e v i n g , s l i g h t l y mocking v o i c e ) Why don tcha t e l l m e who y e r a r e , t hen ... ? You c a n ' t be ...
I can . And I am!
Never !
What! I do a s s u r e you i t ' s t h e t r u t h .
G e t away w i t h you.
NORMAN t a k e s t h e cha lk and w r i t e s on t h e blackboard. HACK R I P E PET. J.R.
Will you do t h e honours , t h e n ?
RHOMA
RHOMA backs away from it.
N o ! ... N o !
1-54
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Why n o t - i f you d o n ' t b e l i e v e m e ?
( c a r e f u l l y so as n o t t o provoke) I ' m a b i t s i c k of t h i s s i l l y game, m i s t e r , t h a t ' s why.
( t i g h t ) A r e you? W e l l t h e n l e t m e do it f o r you. L i t t l e dreams my d a i n t y dame.
H e crosses o u t t h e l e t te rs J A C K THE R I P P E R on t h e board as he speaks t h e name.
J a c k t h e Ripper is my name!
NORMAN goes t o t h e wardrobe from which he e x t r a c t s a s m a l l b l a c k med ica l bag. H e up tu rns it and a huge, g l i t t e r i n g b u t c h e r ' s k n i f e f a l l s o u t on to t h e t ab l e . H e s t a r e s a t it hypnot ized.
(ecs ta t ic ) Look how s h a r p it i s ! How long!
Yeah, too long! I b e t you c a n ' t even remember it.
Of c o u r s e I can .
Oh come on - I mean who've ye r t o l d it t o i n t h i r t y y e a r s ?
( s o f t l y ) N o o n e , i t ' s t r u e . But I could t e l l you a t a l e of a t e r r o r i z e d town b e t t e r t h a n a n y t h i n g your f a t h e r eve r t o l d you,
G a m , You ' r e j u s t an o l d show o f f . J a c k t h e Ripper t h i r t y y e a r s l a te r indeed! Pooh!
You rea l i se of course w h a t would have t o happen i f I convinced you - you'd d e f i n i t e l y have t o go, you know.
1-55
RHOMA Yer don't stand a chance, mate. Not a chance. Try me if yer like, but I tell yer I won't believe a bloody word of it, Yer all talk and no do. Look what 'appened just now. Yer can't get it up, yer poor old fart. It's just a simple case of the droopsies. It's all in yer mind with you. If yer could only get a little lead in yer pencil, yer wouldn't lave to bother with all them anagrams, and murder games, and ....
NORMAN (In a furious frenzy) Shut up! . . . Shut up! ... Shut up! ... I'll close your whore's mouth!
RHOMA realises her mistake, and remains silent. She is in the realest trouble she has been in all evening.
NORMAN picks up the knife in his left left hand, and advances on RHOMA. Step by step she retreats from him.
NORMAN It's been such a long time! Thirty dry years since 1888.
The sound of a barrel organ starts up in the street, playing a First World War song. Simultaneously we hear the distant call of a Muffin Man crying "Hot muffins! ... Hot muffins!'"
Pools of foggy, glowing, golden gaslight form up on the pavement outside the window. We are suddenly and convincingly back at the end of the second decade of the twentieth century; - where we have in fact been throughout the whole Act without realising it!
THE CURTAIN FALLS.
ACT TWO
ACT TWO 11-1
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A s t h e c u r t a i n r i ses w e h e a r a t e r r i f i e d scream. I t i s t h e same s c e n e a s A c t I . The t i m e i s a f e w seconds l a t e r . NORMAN s t a n d s o v e r RHOMA b rand i sh ing h i s k n i f e , and g r i p p i n g h e r f i r m l y wi th t h e o t h e r hand as she cowers away from him.
No! ... N o ! ... P l e a s e !
The k n i f e approaches her t h r o a t .
( f u r i o u s ) I f I c o u l d on ly g e t a l i t t l e lead i n my p e n c i l ! I ' l l g i v e you l ead ! ... 1'11 g ive you dead! ... A l l t a l k and no do i s i t !
But d o n ' t you see it wou ldn ' t mean anyth ing .
Why w o u l d n ' t it! I t would be t h e most meaning- f u l t h i n g I ' d done i n t h i r t y y e a r s .
Meaningful garn! S l i t my t h r o a t and all I ' d know a t t h a t moment i s you w a s a common murderer. That s t i l l d o n ' t make you Jack t h e Ripper .
I a m him! ... I - a m him! Don't you see I ' v e s u f f e r e d anonymity f o r f a r too long. -
You silly bugger , t h i s won) t he lp y e r be known as ' i m .
A n d why not?
H e o n l y k i l l e d whores, and I ' m n o t one.
O h yes you are, my p r e t t y . T h e r e ' s no q u e s t i o n of it. Look how you j u s t o f f e r e d your se l f t o me! Look a t your c l o t h e s !
You p u t them on me. They ' r e no t mine.
1 1 - 2
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But they suit you ... And we can go further with the mise en scene wouldn't you say? Much much further!
He runs around wildly disarranging the room. He hangs a pink shawl over the lamp, rumples the bed, and crumbles some crackers and cake into it, and tears her tights.
He then stubs.out cigarettes into p o t s of face cream, and upends bottles throwing a couple of them on the bed, and kicking Rhoma's discarded clothes about the room.
That's a bit better. l o o k like a true slut's sty. A veritable strumpet's slum, or harlot's hovel ... Yes, it reminds me of that Frenchified town bicycle, Marie Jeanette Kelly's hole i n the wall - before that is, I hung it with her tripes.
It's all beginning to
Look guv, you're only trying to be like 'im. You're just egging yourself on.
I'm not like him. I arn him! My little lick of laced mutton, youlve got to realise that. The police will recognise the signature alright. You see I know things that only Jack would know.
After thirty years! They'd never be able to recognise them themselves. They'd never believe you!
I'd make them. Be very sure. I'd give them the whole history of the rippings from start to finish. H o w I arranged the intestines of Nichols, the bladder of Chapman, the throat of Stride, the navel of Eddows, the breasts of Kelly. Each had some little peculiarity about them. They'd have to believe.
11-3
He raises the k n i f e aga in .
RHOMA But t h a t would r u i n every th ing .
NORMAN How would it r u i n eve ry th ing , Wombat - you
s e n s e l e s s s l u t ? T h a t ' s what I want t o happen. I
t e l l you I ' m s i c k o f anonymity, - of huddl ing a b o u t keeping g r e a t s e c r e t s .
RHOMA Don' t you see you 've a l r eady achieved your
ambi t ion t o be a famous murderer. You're t h e m o s t famous murderer of them a l l , but o n l y because y o u ' r e anonymous. Once it i s known who you are , your fame w i l l evapora t e i n a f l a s h . Y o u ' l l be j u s t l i k e a l l t h e o t h e r s . Nothing i s deade r t h a n a p u z z l e so lved . No one w i l l g i v e a damn abou t you any more.
NORMAN cons ide r s deeply what she
i s s a y i n g , then s lowly lowers t h e k n i f e a s he t a l k s .
NORMAN You know, a l l t h i n g s cons idered , I t h i n k you
might be r i g h t ... Y e s . I n f a c t I t h i n k y o u ' r e a b s o l u t e l y one hundred and f i f t y p e r cent bloody correct ... I t ' s t r u e , I have a l ready achieved my l i f e t i m e ' s ambi t ion , - without r e a l i s i n g it. If I t r y and c l a im t h e c r e d i t , I ' l l r u i n it a l l .
RHOMA nods h e r head encouragingly, s m i l i n g h e r r e l i e f .
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T h a t ' s it. You've understood. Y o u ' l l be a n ine day wonder - n o t a hundred y e a r ' s puzz le . . .
But be s u r e and t e l l your f a t h e r though won' t you. J a c k the Ripper i s s t i l l a l i v e , and you met h i m !
T e l l t h e famous c r i m e co lumnis t t h a t
W e l l I d o n ' t know i f I can go a s far as t o say t h a t .
11-4
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(Suddenly a n g r y ) What! ... What do you mean? A r e you s t i l l d o u b t i n g ?
No!...No! I t ' s j u s t t h a t I s t i l l d o n ' t know who you are, do I?
( s l o w l y ) I see what you mean ... I cou ld be t h e Duke of C l a r e n c e , f o r example.
O r t h e Qqeen ' s d o c t o r ?
Yes, I c o u l d be c o u l d n ' t I? A s I s a i d , my background i s e i t h e r Doc to r , Midwife, Policeman, Pork Bu tche r , S l augh te rman , S c h o o l t e a c h e r ,
Freemason o r Royal P r i n c e , a c c o r d i n g t o popu la r s p e c u l a t i o n . W e l l t h e n , I'll j u s t have t o make you my c o n f e s s o r , w o n ' t I?
Confessor ?
Y e s . You'll be the one t o l e a r n who 1 r e a l l y w a s . I w o n ' t be anonymous anymore t o a t l ea s t one pe r son . What a release!
Well t h e n , o r l r i g h t . Who are you?
Not quite so f a s t . I t h i n k y o u ' l l have t o g u e s s .
Guess? What do you mean?
NORMAN s i ts a t t h e t a b l e t h i n k i n g and s p i n n i n g t h e k n i f e . rt s tops w i t h its blade p o i n t i n g t o her.
I propose a little c h a r a d e i n which w e w i l l p l a y a t y p e of Russ i an R o u l e t t e . A r e you familiar w i t h Russ ian R o u l e t t e , Wombat?
11-5
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N o . I d o n ' t know it no more t h a n Chemin de F e r .
I t ' s u s u a l l y p l a y e d w i t h a r e v o l v e r . F ive empty chambers. One f u l l o n e . P o i n t t h e gun a t your head and p u l l t h e t r i g g e r . Make one m i s t a k e and y o u ' r e deadibyes! We however a r e n o t go ing t o u s e a gun though. We're going t o use c h a r a c t e r s , and y o u ' r e going t o have t o guess which one I w a s , - or indeed s t i l l a m , f o r t h a t m a t t e r . Make one m i s t a k e , and your l i f e i s f o r f e i t . Agre,ed?
I ' m n o t s u r e I q u i t e unde r s t and .
In 1888 a l l sorts of t h e o r i e s about t h e Ripper exis ted. I a m go ing to p r e s e n t t o you h a l f a dozen of t h e m o s t f avoured c a n d i d a t e s , and you m u s t make a c h o i c e .
H e s t a r t s t o w r i t e on t h e b l a c k b o a r d t h e names o f t h e c h a r a c t e r s .
Here, I'll make you a l i s t , and what you have t o do i s s t u d y it m o s t c a r e f u l l y , and make up your mind who you t h i n k is t h e l e a s t l i k e l y to have been t h e R i p p e r , and whom t h e m o s t , and p l a c e t h e names i n a scend ing o r d e r of l i k l i h o o d , w i th your c h o i c e of -- t h e r ea l murderer l a s t . D o you unde r s t and?
I t h i n k so.
Good. To h e l p you, I w i l l impersonate each c h a r a c t e r i n t u r n , and w e w i l l p l a y o u t a scene t o g e t h e r . Each t i m e of c o u r s e , my d e a r , you w i l l d r e a d t h e outcome, because i f you d o n ' t manage t o avoid choos ing t h e Ripper , t h e scene
w i l l end i n your d e a t h . But i f you manage t o choose t h e f i v e i n n o c e n t s u s p e c t s f i r s t , you
(Continued 1
1 1 - 6
NORMAN w i l l l i v e and you w i l l know the s i x t h w a s t h e (Con t ' d ) v e r i t a b l e Ripper .
RHOMA Why shou ld I p l a y ?
NORMAN A b i t o f f u n .
RHOMA I d o n ' t t h i n k i t ' s a11 t h a t much fun.
NORMAN I do. I t w i l l b r i n g it a l l back ... And wha t ' s m o r e i t ' s your o n l y chance.
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
(Grudgingly) W e l l what p a r t do I p l a y ?
A whore. What else?
Any p a r t i c u l a r one?
Oh y e s , I t h i n k so. Y o u ' l l t a k e your cue from m e . I f you c a n ' t g u e s s whom it i s , I ' 1 1 t e l l
you l a t e r .
How do I know you w o n ' t c h e a t m e , and l i e , i n order t o k i l l m e e a r l y i n t h e game?
I ' l l p u t t he name i n t h i s envelope, and seal it up and p l a c e it here on the mantlepiece. T h a t ' l l e n s u r e I w o n ' t cheat.
H e p u t s t h e s e a l e d envelope on t h e man t l ep iece .
Now here w e go.
H e wr i tes t h e names down as he
speaks , on t h e blackboard.
Joseph Kosminski. known as Leather Apron.
A mad J e w i s h r i t u a l s l a u g h t e r e r
[Continued)
11-7
NORMAN Dr Neil1 Cream, a Canadian whore poisoner. (Cont Id) Used to give them strychnine pills for their
ailments. It cured 'em alright! A Freemason. Secret, devious and influential. A Police Constable. As a member of the Force, able to come and go much as he pleased, in the stinking stews of Whitechapel. Joe Barnett. The common law husband of Marie Jeanette Kelly, the last and most horrendous victim of the Ripper. And the Duke of Clarence. Grandson of Queen Victoria. A syphileptic lunatic known as Eddy.
RHOMA moves to study the blackboard.
RHOMA
NORMAN
RI-IOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
Will you really let me go, if I win?
You can bet your life on it.
H e laughs delightedly at his witticism.
I suppose I ain't got much choice ... Orlright, I think I'll start with Cream. I like cream, and I like Canadians. They wouldn't do no one no harm.
Think not? Then let's mount a little charade and find out whether they would or would not.
He goes behind the screen and starts to change.
What are you reely after Norman? You can tell.
Your terror! My potency - a celebration of the good old days! and phantasies of London then, for the last
1'11 run through the fears
(Continued)
11-8
NORMAN t ime ..... My God how I t e r r i f i e d them! I t was (Cont I d ) Olympian! What power I had! With what
Promethean h e a t I quickened i n t o immortal d e a t h , my p a t h e t i c c l a y f i g u r e s ! I gave t h e world
t h e whore a s a r c h e t y p a l v ic t im, and s i n g l e - handedly r e s t o r e d t h e mystery t o murder.
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
BHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
I t d o e s n ' t sound v e r y Canadian.
O h Canada h a s i t s g randeur . And D r C r e a m ' s a good c h o i c e t o b e g i n wi th . Top h a t t e d , f r o c k coated, w a l l eyed , he prowled t h e loathsome a l l e y s of t h e East End with a pocke t fu l of
death! Y e s h e ' s a v e r y good way t o s t a r t !
NORMAN a p p e a r s wearing a long f r o c k c o a t , a t a l l s i l k h a t , and gold rimmed p i n c e nez ove r h i s w a l l e y e s . H e c a r r i e s a b l a c k med ica l bag.
T h e scene i s a fog-wreathed l a n e i n Whitechapel.
G a s lamps burn f i t f u l l y i n t h e brumous a i r . C r e a m m e e t s whore. (Canadian accent) . Good evening , my p r e t t y .
I know you.
I t h i n k i t ' s ex t r eme ly u n l i k e l y .
There c a n ' t be two squinty-eyed buggers l i k e you running a b a h t .
Madam, t h e s q u i n t y eyes are an a f f l i c t i o n which it ill behooves you t o mock, and buggery is n o t a p a r t o f my r e p e r t o i r e .
Don' t you come the high h a t w i t h m e , m a t e .
H e t a k e s o f f h i s h igh s i l k
h a t , and sweeps her an i r o n i c bow.
11-9
RHOMA (Cont' d)
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
I know yer. You're a feller called ...
Fred.
Yeah - that's it. Fred. - as what gave a friend of mine a couple of nice little pills to cure the spots on her kisser. I tell you she 'ad no more problems wiv 'em - nor wiv anything else for that matter. They did 'er up proper - died in agony she did.
I'm sorry to hear it, but it's probably not strictly true. Filles de joie are prone to exaggeration. It goes with their calling. I mean to say it's a rough old life when a chap can't hardly offer a lady a couple of sweetmeats, without being accused of I don't know what abominations.
This stuff was diagnosed medically. It was ... I forget the name.
Nux Vomica.
So yer know that do yer! Yer know what that stuff is too. I'll be bound.
Of course. Strychnine. Very painful!
Well why would anyone do a thing like that?
To think of her horrible sufferings later when one had gone away, that's why. It could be someone's idea of fun couldn't it?
NORMAN produces a box of sweets, and holds it out to her.
Have a sweetie!
11-10
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
(Cont ' d )
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
Do you think I'm mad?
Pear drops - good for the tubes. Sharp, taste extremely difficult to distinguish strychnine.
He takes one and eats looks thunderstruck.
Delicious! I expect I'll be dol
terminal cramps presently..
it. She
bled up c
Think yourself very smart dontcha?
sweetish from
ith
(Provocatively) I shouldn't wonder if you thought I was ...
Was oo?
H i m !
im?
Come, come - you know. Prince Jack (exaggerated horror voice) The Whitechapel Fiend! !
N o , no. N o t me. Why on earth should I think that.
Well one thing leads to another.
He shakes his black bag at her. It makes a metal sound. She shrieks.
For Gawd's sake don't start bawling, madam. You could start a riot, - get me set on,
11-11
RHOMA
NORMAN
N O W
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
( s t o u t l y ) You're wrong.. . .People have t h e i r d i f f e r e n t way of d o i n g t h i n g s . T h e Ripper l i k e d t o be t h e r e doing it h i m s e l f , watch ing . D r C r e a m l i k e d t o go away and imagine l i k e as what w a s ' appen ing i n h i s absence . They were t w o d i f f e r e n t peop le .
Very t r u e , Wombat! Bravo! A m o s t sound psycho- log ica l o b s e r v a t i o n . I could neve r have been him. C r e a m w a s a bombast ic liar, and w a s I
believe i n J o l i e t J a i l Chicago a t t h e t i m e of
t h e Ripper murders , though o t h e r s s ay he may have been r e l e a s e d e a r l y .
Triumphant ly she draws a line on t h e b lackboard through N e i l 1 C r e a m ' s name.
W e l l t h e n , f i v e m o r e t o go ... What's your choice?
She s ta res a t t h e l i s t on t h e b l ackboard p e n s i v e l y .
I t h i n k t h e copper .
A r e you s u r e ? H e ' s a s t r o n g c a n d i d a t e . As I
said, t h e o n l y p e o p l e who could p a s s f r e e l y abou t t h e E a s t End a t n i g h t a t t h a t t i m e w i thou t be ing c h a l l e n g e d w e r e t h e r o z z e r s .
I ' l l t a k e t h e chance.
A r e you s u r e ?
Qu i t e .
NORMAN r e t i r e s behind t h e s c r e e n t o change i n t o P C ' s
uniform
11-12
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
I mean it's a bit far fetched ain't it? Like in books. The Ripper dressed up as a bobby.
I don't think so. Everyone trusts a bobby on his beat. Kindly, methodical, a bit ponderous. You'd never suspect he was a ravening beast groaning with unappeased hungers beyond imagining as he strolls the gas lit courts of Whitechapel.
He strolls portentously out from behind the screen.
Nah then, Madam. What are you adoing of?
Nothin h'officer. I'm j u s t on me way 'ome.
Are you now? It looks to me as if you could be loitering with intent.
Intent to do what?
Now, none of your sauce! You know very well what I am referring to. Intent to commit a crime - either that as what is practiced by every common unfortunate, o r pertaining to burglarious entry.
Not me, constable, I told you I'm j u s t on me way 'ome.
And where might 'ome be?
This 'amble abode behind you is what I calls ' ome . Well a lot can happen in these parts to ladies on their ways home, no matter how close at hand, - and, come to that even when they've got home!
11-23
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
Meaning what e x a c t l y ?
( P . C . E v i d e n t i a l Voice) Look what happened t o Mary Ann N i c h o l s on t h e 3 1 s t August t h i s y e a r i n Bucks Row. My c o l l e a g u e PC97J N e i l found h e r , d i d n ' t he , w i t h h e r t h r o a t c u t from ear t o ear , by a l e f t handed person it would seem. P o l i c e Cons tab les 55H Mizen, and 9 6 J Thain who ass is ted h i m , bo th a t tes ted t h e y ' d never seen any th ing l i k e i n i n all t h e i r n a t u r a l s , on account of t h e
f r i g h t f u l disembowell ing t h a t had taken p l a c e , and t h e f e a r f u l damage t o t h e omertum, o r l i n i n g o f t h e stomach, and i n a d d i t i o n t o t h e f a c t t h a t t h e windpipe, g u l l e t , and s p i n a l c o r d had been c u t c l e a n through.
My Gawd, you know a l o t about i t .
I t i s p a r t of my d u t y t o r e c o r d such d e t a i l s i n my memory. Likewise I r e c a l l i n great d e t a i l
what occured e i g h t days l a t e r on t h e 8 t h o f September. I w a s on d u t y w i t h I n s p e c t o r Joseph Chandler a t Commercial Street Pol ice S t a t i o n , when he r e c e i v e d in fo rma t ion t h a t a l a d y sub- s e q u e n t l y i d e n t i f i e d as Annie S i f f e y , a l i a s Chapman, had been s i m i l a r l y butchered i n t h e back ya rd of Number 1 9 Hanbury S t ree t . Did you know h e r ? Wavy brown h a i r , b l u e eyes . A
l a r g e t h i c k ' o o t e r .
No, I never .
I t h i n k y o u ' r e l y i n g . All you whores know e a c h o t h e r . You're sisters under t h e s k i n .
I t e l l you I d o n ' t .
Well t h e n , I t h i n k I ' d bet ter d e s c r i b e h e r t o you t h e way I l a s t s a w her. She was l y i n g on h e r back, legs drawn up, w i t h t h e small i n t e s t i n e s , and f l a p of t h e abdomen, l y i n g on
(Continued)
11-14
NORMAN the r i g h t s i d e above t h e r i g h t shou lde r . (Cont 'd) Her t h r o a t had a l s o been c u t deeply from l e f t and
back i n a jagged manner r i g h t round it. She w a s a f e a r f u l s i g h t I c a n t e l l you, and no m i s t a k e .
RHOMA Much worse t h a n the o t h e r s do you t h i n k ?
NORMAN C e r t a i n l y much worse t h a n Long L i z S t r i d e who was n e x t i n D u t f i e l d ' s Yard, B r e w e r Street .
C h i e f I n s p e c t o r Donald Swanson w a s t h e guvnor on t h a t one, and once aga in I was f o r t u n a t e enough t o a s s i s t i n t h e i n v e s t i g a t i o n w i t h my c o l l e a g u e P . C . 252 Lamb.
RHOMA Why w a s t h a t do you suppose?
NORMAN Because t he Rippefc had been d i s t u r b e d on t h a t
o c c a s i o n , and n o t t o o much m u t i l a t i o n had taken p l a c e .
RHOMA
NORMAN
R H O M A
NORMAN
But i f h e ' d been dressed as a policeman i s n ' t it l i k e l y n o t t o o much n o t i c e would ' ave been taken o f ' i m , and ' e could 'ave cont inued ' i s
work l a t e r ? That means ' e w a s n ' t a copper!
She looks a t him e x p e c t a n t l y , hoping t h a t she h a s won t h e round. H e l ooks a t h e r implacably , however.
H e was d i s t u r b e d and he made off, l e a v i n g her r e p o s i n g on h e r l e f t s i d e wi th Some cachous l y i n g i n t h e palm of her hand. Funny t h a t , d o n ' t you t h i n k ?
I dunno. Maybe s h e was given them by D r C r e a m .
H e l i k e d g i v i n g sweetmeats t o un fo r tuna te s .
W e know it w a s n ' t D r Cream now, d o n ' t w e ?
11-15
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
Of cour se . Pe rhaps t h e s i l l y cow j u s t l i k e d cachous. I mean s h e d i d n ' t know she was going t o g e t h e r t h r o a t c u t when she p u t them i n ' e r ' and , d i d s h e ?
N o , I suppose n o t , b u t c u t it was most h o r r i b l y . I t w a s c e r t a i n l y no u s e f o r swallowing sweets., .. The s i l k handkerch ie f a t her t h r o a t was a l s o c u t q u i t e t h r o u g h , and t h e r e w a s an apparent a b r a s i o n of s k i n , abou t a n i n c h and a q u a r t e r i n d i ame te r below t h e r i g h t a n g l e of t h e jaw.
I suppose y o u ' r e go ing t o t e l l m e you was also p r e s e n t when t h e y found t h e second murder t h a t n i g h t .
F u l l marks, madam, f o r knowing t h e r e was a second murder t h a t n i g h t . And by a funny coincidence you know I w a s . Watkins d i s c o v e r e d h e r - C a t h e r i n e Eddowes it was i n Mitre Square . A n d she had r e a l l y been done o v e r - nose and ears c u t o f f , disembowelled, and o f c o u r s e t h r o a t c u t , it goes without s a y i n g . P r i n c e Jack r e a l l y got even f o r be ing d i s t u r b e d d u r i n g t h e f i r s t job.
w a s d e s c r i b e d as.
An o l d m a t e of mine P.C.
Mordum S a t i a t u s h i s s t a t e
H e looks a t h e r s p e c u l a t i v e l y , f o r a l o n g moment.
(Deadly) a v e r y real one you know. Q u i t e as acute as h u n g e r f o r food o r d r i n k , o r o t h e r self-calming comfor t s .
The need t o be s a t i a t e d w i t h dea th is
She s h i f t s u n e a s i l y under h i s
f e r v i d gaze.
11-16
NORMAN Anyway, as I w a s s a y i n g h e r l e f t kidney w a s (Cont ' d ) m i s s i n g t o o . Seems t o f ancy kidney does o l d
l e a t h e r apron - remember t h a t l e t t e r he s e n t George Lusk, the chai rman of t h e W h i t e h a l l
V i g i l a n c e C o m m i t t e e , which he brought i n t o Leman S t r e e t Pol ice S t a t i o n . I ' v e g o t a copy of it h e r e somewhere, and t h e l e t t e r he s e n t t o t h e C e n t r a l N e w s Agency when he f i r s t used t h e a p p e l l a t i o n J a c k t h e Ripper .
He r u n s e x c i t e d s l y round t o t h e desk and gets o u t t h e le t ters .
NORMAN
NORMAN
NORMAN
Here t a k e a look .
H e hands it ove r and s tar ts t o r e c i t e from t h e o t h e r l e t t e r . b u t s c a r c e l y c o n s u l t i n g i t .
Dear B o s s , I keep on h e a r i n g t h a t t h e Police have caught m e . But t h e y w o n ' t f i x m e y e t ... I a m down on c e r t a i n t y p e s of women, and I won' t s t o p
r i p p i n g them u n t i l I do g e t buckled. Grand j o b t h a t l a s t j o b w a s . s q u e a l . I l o v e my work, and wan t t o s t a r t aga in . You w i l l soon h e a r from m e wi th m y
funny l i t t l e game.
I gave t h e l a d y no t i m e t o
H e moves t o produce t h e g inger b e e r b o t t l e s e e n i n A c t I
c o n t a i n i n g t h e t h i c k r ed substance.
I saved some of t h e r e d s t u f f i n a g inger b e e r b o t t l e , b u t it went t h i c k l i k e g lue , and I
c a n ' t u se i t . Red i n k i s f i t enough I hope. Ha! H a ! Next t i m e I s h a l l c l i p t h e e a r s o f f and send them t o t h e p o l i c e j u s t f o r j o l l y . Signed J a c k t h e Ripper !
11-17
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NOKMAN
RHOMA
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
What a m e m o r y y o u ' v e g o t Cons tab le . Qu i t e amazing!
P o l i c e t r a i n i n g , mum. T h a t ' s a l l it is. Proper Pol ice t r a i n i n g .
She moves t o i n s p e c t t h e g i n g e r b e e r b o t t l e w i t h i t s g r i s l y c o n t e n t s .
Garn, t h a t a i n ' t b lood . You c a n ' t f o o l m e . I t ' s jam - t h a t ' s what t h a t is.
L e t me s p r e a d some on a l i t t l e bread f o r you, my d e a r . All t h i s p l a y a c t i n g m u s t be making you hungry.
H e t a k e s a s l i c e o f bread and s p r e a d s some of t h e r e d s t u f f on it and o f f e r s it t o her.
I a i n ' t a l l t h a t p a r t i a l t o j a m , a c t u a l l y .
She backs away and a s a d i s t r a c t i o n s t a r t s t o look a t t h e o t h e r l e t t e r , h o l d i n g it f a s t i d i o u s l y between thumb and f o r e f i n g e r .
T h i s seems t o have a n a s t y s t a i n on i t .
Y e s . I t ' s from t h e kidney I s e n t a long . Read it out, why d o n ' t you?
( r e a d i n g ) From 'ell. I send you h a l f t h e k idney I t o o k from one woman - presarved it f o r you. T o t h e r p i e c e I f r i e d and a te . It
w a s v e r y n i c e .
Y e s , i t was. C r i s p and f r a g r a n t l y u r i n i c a l !
( f i r m l y ) How do you s p e l l kidney?
11-18
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
K-i-d-n-e-y. Why?
H e s p e l t it K-i-d-n-e-. I knew you w a s n ' t ' i m .
NORMAN stares a t h e r , c l e a r l y impressed wi th h e r t r i c k , and b u r s t s o u t laughing .
Q u i t e r i g h t . W e l l done! Even though it was o b v i o u s l y done as a d isg 'u i se . 1'11 l e t you have it. Anyway a c o p p e r ' s uniform was r e a l l y f a r t o o obv ious . Now, o n l y f o u r t o go!
D e l i g h t e d w i t h h e r s e l f she moves t o s t u d y t h e l i s t on t h e b l ackboard and crosses of f
t h e pol iceman.
I'll t a k e Kosminski n e x t .
The Jewish R i t u a l S l a u g h t e r e r ? Now 3 d o n ' t know r e a l l y whe the r you should . f i r m f a v o u r i t e . t h e streets w i t h l o n g k n i v e s hanging f r o m h i s
b e l t , wear ing a n a l r e a d y i n n o c e n t l y blood- s t a i n e d ap ron , and w i t h a working knowledge o f anatomy and d i s s e c t i o n . Don't you t h i n k you'd be b e t t e r a d v i s e d t o leave h i m till l a t e r ?
H e w a s a very A b l e t o roam f r e e l y through
N o , I d o n ' t . ' e ' s t h e one a s wha t ' s too obvious t o be t r u e . N o one i n t h e i r r i g h t minds would lave walked round Whitechapel looking l i k e t h a t .
Sco res o f p e o p l e d i d ... W e l l on your own head be it.
H e goes behind t h e sc reen t o change.
11-19
NORMAN Ob l ige m e w i t h a l i t t l e scene s e t t i n g , my d e a r . (Cont 'd ) W r i t e on t h e b l ackboard t h e J u w e s a r e t h e men
who w i l l n o t be blamed f o r no th ing .
She s t a r t s t o w r i t e .
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
( w r i t i n g ) The J e w s are t h e o n e s t h a t w i l l n o t be ....
S p e l l Juwes, J-11-w-e-s.
Tha t a i n ' t t h e way you s p e l l J e w s .
It w a s how it w a s s p e l t on t h e w a l l above t h e s t a i r s l e a d i n g t o 1 1 8 and 1 1 9 Goldstone S t r e e t B u i l d i n g s , a f t e r t h e murder of Ca the r ine Eddowes i n M i t r e Square on t h e 30th September, and found by P . C . Long.
She changes it d u t i f u l l y .
The Juwes are t h e ones t h a t w i l l n o t ...
B e blamed fo r n o t h i n g .
B e blamed for n o t h i n g . I t d o n ' t make no sense .
T h a t ' s m o r e t h a n you know.
H e emerges wear ing t h e costume o f an o l d Sephard ic Jewish S l a u g h t e r e r , w i t h broad b l a c k h a t , r i n g l e t s , full b e a r d , l e a t h e r apron, and l o n g k n i v e s i n lea ther shea ths depending from a broad l e a t h e r b e l t .
(Thick g u t t e r a l a c c e n t ) Goot evenink!
She s h r i e k s a t h i s appearance.
11-20
NORMAN
R H O M A
N O R M A N
R H O M A
NORMAN
R H O M A
N O R M A N
R H O M A
NORMAN
R H O M A
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
'NORMAN
Why are you shriekink?
You startled me. Theres as some who say Jack the Ripper is a Jew.
I am not knowink. My name is Joseph Xosminski. I ain't no t Jock the Ripping.
Well if you're not, what the 'ell are yer doing 'ere dressed like that?
Is my job. Work in slaughterhouse ... Shochet. Killink animals in Kosher way.
What way is that?
Get all blood out of meat. Jewish ritual.
You're a ritual slaughterer!
Ja.
I know all about you people. Look at that.
She points to the message on the blackboard.
(reading) Der Juwes are ze men zat vi11 not be blaimed f o r nozzink. What is meanink?
That there message was written up on the wall near where that Eddowes woman was slaughtered.
I am not understandink.
You understand alright.
We are blaimed f o r everythink. Is history of my people.
11-21
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
RHOMA
(Cont ' d )
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN (Cont 'd )
I t ' s because you d e s e r v e it. You k i l l e d Chr is t : and y o u ' r e k i l l i n g t h e s e u n f o r t u n a t e s , I s h o u l d n ' t wonder.
I a m k i l l i n k n o t h i n k b u t ch ickens and b e e f s .
L e t me look a t t h a t apron of yours .
She bends t o p e e r closely a t t h e l e a t h e r apron.
I c a n ' t q u i t e see w h a t ' s it made of .
Is l e a t h e r . Leather Apron!
My Gawd! ... That's what they c a l l ...
Jock t h e Rippink . D i s I know. Day have chased m e i n d e r s treets. c r y i n k o u t . It i s ' i m , d e r Rippink. A l s o t h e k n i v e s are makink it d i f f i c u l t .
Lea the r Apron dey are
I show you!
H e t a k e s o u t t h e f i r s t k n i f e from h i s b e l t .
D i s i s der S t i c k i n k k n i f e m i t d e r t h i c k back t o keep it f r o m bendink while s e v e r i n k d e r p i t h o r s p i n a l co rd .
H e takes o u t t h e second k n i f e .
D i s is d e r D r e s s i n k k n i f e , a l i d d l e s h o r t e r u n t vider. M i t d i s I a m shavink o f f d e r vool, u n t also d e r toe n i l e s off der f e e t .
H e t a k e s ou t t h e t h i r d kni fe .
D i s is d e r S i d i n k k n i f e , longer dan d e r o z z e r s , u n t curved a t de end s o d a t it
( C o n t h u e d )
11-22
NORMAN (Cont ' d )
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
d o n ' t go t h r o u g h der h i d e s . Dere's vun f o r bonink, u n t vun f o r s l i c i n k u n t vun f o r r i p p i n k .
RHOMA s t a r t s t o back away from h i m .
H e starts t o make w i l d slashes i n t h e a i r .
D i s i s der vay ve are l e t t i n k o u t de r blood from der b e a s t s . I show you. A c u t here in de neck. I t f a l l down. L i f t h i m up, and den r i p up de stomach m i t vun s t r o k e .
You're q u i t e mad. Pu t those away r i g h t now. You ' re mad!
Not no more. I vas g iven cer t i f icate by Doctor M i c k l e in Colney Hatch, and i n F a i r f i e l d Road Bow I n f i r m a r y Asylum, but b e t t e r now. But I s h u t you up i f you say aga in I a m Jock t h e Rippink .
H e advances on h e r .
H e l p ! I t ' s t h e mad pork butcher !
NORMAN c o l l a p s e s i n l a u g h t e r .
Pork b u t c h e r ? Dressed l i k e t h i s ?
W e l l I t h o u g h t you s a i d you were suspected of b e i n g a po rk bu tche r .
W e l l you c e r t a i n l y p u t p a i d t o bo th sugges t ions . - laughed t h e m o u t of c o u r t . t he f u n n i e s t t h i n g I ' ve eve ry heard!
I t ' s
11-23
H e c r o s s e s ove r t o t h e b l ackboard , still l aughing . She j o i n s i n and erases t h e Slaughterman Kosminski.
NORMAN Three more! The Freemason. Joe B a r n e t t . (Cont 'd ) and t h e Duke o f C la rence .
She takes a l o n g pause t o c o n s i d e r .
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
I fancy t h e Freemason.
A r e you a b s o l u t e l y c e r t a i n ? mys te r ious l o t . U p t o a l l t h e t r i c k s . I n i t i a t i o n ceremonies , secret handshakes, and s e c r e t whore s l i c i n g a s p e c i a l i t y , I
s h o u l d n ' t wonder.
They ' re a v e r y
Garn! ... M y dad was a Mason. They wouldn ' t h u r t a f l y .
Very w e l l . I t ' s your cho ice .
NORMAN d i s a p p e a r s behind t h e s c r e e n t o change i n t o a Freemason's lambskin apron, and t r a d i t i o n a l headgear.
NORMAN You do r e a l i s e of c o u r s e t h a t every Mason who h a s passed t h e Royal Arch has w i l l i n g l y he lped t o create the p e r f e c t matrix f o r crimes of v i o l e n c e . H i s promise not o n l y t o condone, b u t t o assist i n t h e concealment of murder, t r e a s o n and any other crime h a s brought about t he s i t u a t i o n where murder can be committed, and t h e murde re r s go f o r e v e r undetec ted . Witness f o r example t h e murder of W i l l i a m Morgan, a u t h o r of Freemasonry Exposed, n o t t o mention Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
11-24
He makes a sweeping entrance.
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
I am the Grand Inspector, Inquisitor Commander, the sublime Prince of the Royal Secret, and the Prince of Jerusalem. In other words a Master Mason, and unlike what your dad might have told you we hurt more than flies when necessary. For example I slaughter the lowest degree of Masons - the Entered Apprentice who reveals Masonic secrets, by cutting his throat from left to right, and placing his intestines on his shoulders as happened to the three apprentice Masons Jubela, Jubelo and Jubelum - the Juwes - J-u-w-e-s- who
murdered the Grand Master Hiram Abiff in charge of building Solomon's Temple. This form of death a l so happened to the whores Nichols, Chapman, and Eddowes. Unfortunately it didn't happen to Stride. There simply wasn't time.
So the Ripper's murders was masonic murders - I knew it! That writing didn't refer to the Yids did it?
She points to the writing on the blackboard. NORMAN sees it, and steps back aghast.
My God! Who wrote that?
The Policeman who saw it near the scene of the crime.
But it was rubbed off by the Police Commissioner Sir Charles Warren as soon as he got there.
Obviously not soon enough.
She moves to touch the word Juwes on the blackboard.
11-25
RHOMA (Cont ' d )
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
And I ' m r i g h t , a i n ' t I? This word Juwes d o e s n ' t refer t o t h e Y i d s , does it?
O f c o u r s e not. As I j u s t s a i d , t hey a r e J u b e l a , J u b e l o , and Jubelum, t h e three a p p r e n t i c e masons who k i l l e d H i r a m A b i f f , and who are t h e b a s i s of Masonic r i t u a l .
And I suppose S i r C h a r l e s Warren i s a Freemason.
One of t h e w o r l d ' s m o s t advanced.
My Gawd! N o wonder 'e ad it washed o r f so prompt.
And i f you need f u r t h e r p r o o f , were t h e r e not two b r a s s r i n g s n e a t l y l a i d o u t a t t h e f e e t of t h e h a r l o t Chapman?
so what o f it?
What o f it! W a s n o t H i r a m Abiff a worker i n b r a s s ? D i d . he n o t s u p e r v i s e t h e moulding of t h e two g r e a t hollow b r a s s p i l l a r s which
stood a t the e n t r a n c e t o Solomon's Temple, and are t h e y n o t t h e v e r y symbol of Freemasonry?
I h a v e n ' t t h e f a i n t e s t b l eed ing i d e a . And I
c a n ' t see what t h e ' e l l it 'as t o do w i t h b r a s s r i n g s .
D o n o t two b r a s s r i n g s s ide by s i d e look
e x a c t l y l i k e t w o hol low b r a s s p i l l a r s i n cross s e c t i o n .
I e x p e c t so.
So now you know.
11-26
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
I suppose so . . . I mean i t ' s a l l mumbo jumbo t o m e . N o t enough to k i l l f o r .
Mumbo J u b e l o you mean! ... And t h e secrets are c e r t a i n l y wor th k i l l i n g f o r , I can assure you.
One t i m e , y e a r s ago, maybe. But n o t today. Now i t ' s j u s t d r e s s i n g up, and s i l l y hand- shakes. I ' m s t i l l b e t t i n g Jack t h e Ripper w a s n o t a Freemason.
There i s a pause as he advances on her .
And you are alas q u i t e r i g h t ... Only two t o go, I r e g r e t t o s a y .
She smiles i n r e l i e f .
Joseph B a r n e t t or. P r i n c e A l b e r t V i c t o r .
E x a c t l y . The common law husband of t h e
R i p p e r ' s l a s t v i c t i m , o r Queen V i c t o r i a ' s Grandson known a s Eddy.
RHOMA deliberates for a long moment. She t u r n s downstage and asks t h e q u e s t i o n as i f a sk ing t h e a u d i e n c e t o make t h e cho ice for h e r .
Which one? ... Who s h a l l I choose?
Pause.
1'11 t a k e J o e B a r n e t t .
Why, may one a s k ?
11-27
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN (Cont d )
NORMAN
I have a fancy t o l e a v e Royalty t o l as t .
H e s m i l e s s a t u r n i n e l y .
And so you s h a l l . The f i r s t i n t h e land s h a l l be t h e l as t .
NORMAN re t i res behind t h e
screen.
D i d you s a y you w e r e n ' t a c t u a l l y marr ied
t o Mary K e l l y ?
Marie J e a n e t t e K e l l y you l i k e d t o be c a l l e d , on account of a shor t v i s i t t o Pa r i s you once made.
(Suddenly a la rmed) M e ?
NORMAN p u t s h i s head round t h e screen.
Yes, you. d i d say I'd t e l l you which
whore you w e r e .
H e r e t u r n s t o h i s d r e s s i n g behind t h e s c r e e n .
N o , w e were never mar r i ed , bu t you were once - t o a c o l l i e r who died i n an explos ion .
H e emerges from behind t h e s c r e e n wearing a s c a r f and f l a t cap , and b l u e se rge s u i t .
(Cockney v o i c e ) W e l i v e d t o g e t h e r for one y e a r and e i g h t months. I made my l i v i n g as a f i s h p o r t e r , b u t some weeks I h a d n ' t g o t no th ing t o g i v e you. Then you used t o go on t h e streets. I warned you n o t t o . I told you
(Continued)
11-28
NORMAN (Cont ' d )
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
NORMAN
as 'ow I c o u l d n ' t ab ide you being an u n f o r t u n a t e , go ing w i t h everyone, bu t you took no n o t i c e . Why wouldn ' t you l i s t e n t o m e ?
I d i d l i s t e n . Honest.
YOU never . I t r i e d my damndest t o f r i g h t e n you o f f ' e m by c u t t i n g up your p a l s - f o u r whores I d i d , and it seemed t o work f o r a wh i l e and you gave up t h e game.
Y e s , y e s I d i d .
D o you r e m e m b e r as 'ow you read a l l t h e newspaper r e p o r t s of t h e murders?
Y e s . I t s c a r e d m e o f f proper .
The s t rumpets ! ... They deserved what they
go t !
A long pause whi le she looks i n wonder a t h i m .
So y o u ' r e ' im?
Y e s . I ' m him. Jaun ty Jack.
( d e f e a t e d ) I ' v e l o s t t hen .
You f e l l a t t h e l a s t hu rd le ...
She g ives him a l o s t w a i f v s g r i n .
I ' m s o r r y f o r it, b u t t h e r e it is . Tonight i t ' s your tu rn !
11-29
NORMAN (Cont 'd)
RHOMA
NORMAN
There is a change of gear here as the identification with the Ripper which started with him talking to Rhoma as if she actually were Mary Kelly, takes over completely. He is back in Miller's Court on the night of the 9th November 1888 when Kelly was so brutally butchered,
They don't realise I've got the key. I kept it when I left you see. I know I don't need it because of the broken window, but I'll use it to lock the door after me when I've done, so nobody don't walk in casual like, and get a nasty shock. Cos it will be a nasty shock - very very nasty indeed! I'll decorate the room with your tripes - just for jolly. This will be the best yet - safe indoors with no risk of interruption. What a luxury!
RHOMA is really terrified as she fully recognises the madness of his obsession.
(Desperate) Yer don't lave to do it - again. It's already been done. Don'tcha see yer don't need to go through the whole thing again.
Oh but I do. It's only fair ... and I'm so hungry! Lie down on the bed. You must prepare yourself. Really you must.
He pushes her down on the sofa, and slowly raises the knife, but stands irresolute.
RHOMA braces herself, coiled up in fear.
11-30
RHOMA
NORMiAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
Get on with it for Christ's sake if you're going to.
He places the knife on her stomach, about to rip her. He pauses. The knife clatters to the floor.
You're right. I'm not him. He was a poor fish, stuttering and crying at the inquest. "I have seen the body, and I identify it by the ear and eyes which is all that I recognise." What a ninny! How could he have. The ears were missing!
RHOMA rises in happy reliefsand moves gaily to cross off Joseph Barrett on the blackboard.
So what you're saying is you're the Prince?
That's right.
He walks slowly towards the screen and passes behind it.
I'm pleased to meet you - sir.
Sire !
Sorry, sire.
You don't sound very convinced.
(hastily) Oh yes 1 am, very. It's just that it must have been so difficult keeping quiet all these years about being the lawful King of England.
12-31
NORMAN
RHOMA
Yes, it was. Let's see if I can effect a transformation that will convince you completely.
Oh but I am. I am. And I've won. You are the sixth man,
NORMAN Even so you mustn't deprive me of the opportunity of playing him for a few moments.
NORMAN steps out from behind the screen in a Hussar's uniform, a plumed helmet and a George Vth type moustache. She claps her hands excitedly, pleased that the last game
has started.
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
Well you're a spiffin lookin trull and no mistake. dark light.
Worth every bit of tuppence in a
N o w , now! Yer don't lave to be rude.
Madam, you must forgive my intemporate words. Pray put it down to the wine consumed at dinner. But that is no excuse. I have been taught better manners than that by someone who is a shining example to the whole empire.
And '00 might that be, may I ask?
Why none other than her Britannic Majesty Victoria Regina herself. The Queen my grandmother.
She executes a curtsy.
Oh sire! Then you must be ...
11-32
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
P e r m i t m e t o i n t r o d u c e myse l f . P r ince Alber t V i c t o r C h r i s t i a n Edward Duke of Clarence and Avondale. T h e b l a c k sheep , r e p r o b a t e , s capegrace , me damne; of a noble house. I n c u r a b l y b e s o t t e d by decen t l i q u o r , and i n d e c e n t women - by c l a r e t and cuckoldery you m i g h t s ay . But we've m e t .
Have we?
Of cou r se . D o n ' t p r e t e n d . You're Marie J e a n e t t e Ke l ly .
T h a t ' s r i g h t . Remind m e of where, s ire.
You r e m e m b e r . A t t h e c o n f e c t i o n e r ' s shop in Cleveland S t r e e t . You w e r e Annie Crook's a s s i s t a n t .
Lawks. O f course!
I w a s a b i t s w e e t on h e r a t t h e t i m e . Tied t h e
kno t d i d n ' t .I, a t S t Sav iour s? You were t h e r e - you w i t n e s s e d t h e whole t h i n g . (Hard) Then told t h e o t h e r whores d i d n ' t you?
( S h r i l l ) I never .
O h y e s you d i d . You t o l d Nichols , and Chapman, and S t r i d e and Eddows. The Court would have been v e r y unamused i f it had g o t to h e a r of i t too, wouldn ' t it?
H e suddenly g r a b s RHOMA by the c h i n and p u l l s h e r c l o s e .
So I had t o make s u r e it didn't. have done f o r t h e h e i r t o t h e th rone t o be
married t o a C a t h o l i c d rab .
I t wouldnlt
11-33
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
I d o n ' t know no th ink abah t it. I never t o l d nobody no th ink .
S u r e l y you remember m e g e t t i n g marr ied a t S t Sav iour s . I was w i t h my p a i n t e r chum who so took your fancy .
A randy o l d g o a t - had a name l i k e vomit.
S i c k e r t . I expec t you mean Walter S i c k e r t .
' Spec t so .
( h a r d ) So you do remember!
Funny t h i n g i s I always thought ' e might be t h e Ripper .
W e l l he was always a h igh ly susp ic ious type . H e ' s l i k e m e - e q u a l l y a t ease with P r i n c e s
or pimps, - and also l i k e me always hanging about t h e most unsavoury p l aces . B u t h i m
as t h e Ripper - t h a t ' s r i d i c u l o u s .
I d o n ' t know so much. I saw a p i c t u r e of h i s once of a woman s t a r k e r s on a bed wi th t h e f a c e of an animal ... And I remember another p i c t u r e of h i s too , l o t s of chorus girls w i t h blood r e d s c a r v e s round t h e i r t h r o a t s , as i f t hey 'd a l l been s l i t , and t h e c la re t w a s running o u t . I t h i n k it w a s c a l l e d "What S h a l l W e
D o For The Rent?"
Y e s , come t o t h i n k of it he was a b i t funny t h a t way. I remember a p i c t u r e of h i s
c a l l e d Blackmail - looked e x a c t l y l i k e you e x c e p t t h a t t h e t i p of t h e nose had been c u t o f f ! ... And t h e n I saw another one of h i m
i n h i s s t u d i o s t a n d i n g nex t t o a headless
(Continued)
11-34
NORMAN s c u l p t u r e of a woman w i t h t h e l imbs a l l t o r n from t h e torso, a s i f t h e woman had been t h e (Cont ' d )
v ic t im of some v i l e bu tchery . However we know i t ' s n o t h i m , d o n ' t we?
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
D o w e ? ....
O h y e s . I know e x a c t l y who it i s .
Go on!
H e looks l e f t and r i g h t t o make s u r e he i s n o t overheard .
Promise n o t t o t e l l a s o u l , b u t i t ' s
Grandmama.
( l a u g h i n g ) Garn!
Honest. Many's t h e n i g h t I ' v e seen h e r
c r e e p i n g o u t of t h e back door of Buck House w i t h h e r s c e p t r e honed t o r a z o r sharpness i n one hand and h e r l i t t l e b l ack bag i n t h e
other , m u t t e r i n g t o h e r s e l f are most r i p p i n g l y amused by t h e s e murders!"
" W e r e a l l y
RHOMA laughs w i t h h im, then s t r a i g h t e n s up.
S e r i o u s l y , Eddy I ' v e o f t e n thought it could be a woman.
A woman w i t h a down on whores?
Why no t? I t ' s p o s s i b l e . A m i d w i f e would p o s s e s s t h e n e c e s s a r y ins t ruments o r s h e
could be a fond mum t a k i n g revenge on t h e p r o f e s s i o n f o r g i v i n g h e r d a r l i n g boy syph. I mean i t ' s n o t t h a t p l e a s a n t i f f o r example
(Continued)
11-35
RHOMA y o u ' r e hav ing a q u i e t d i n n e r w i t h yer (Cont ' d ) e l d e s t unmarr ied , and h i s nose f a l l s o r f i n t o
t h e soup. W e l l 1 mean t o say , you 'd g e t p r e t t y s h i r t y y o u r s e l f wouldn ' t you?
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
( l augh ing) A r e you p u t t i n g your se l f forward as a c a n d i d a t e , Madam.
I might be.
( l a u g h i n g ) t h a t it w a s my t u t o r James Stephen.
I t ' s about as l i k e l y as t h e t h e o r y
Why 'im?
The f e l l e r h a t e d women. He wrote a poem about i t once - went l i k e t h i s . I f all t h e harm t h a t women have done w e r e p u t i n a bundle and r o l l e d i n t o one E a r t h would n o t ho ld it The sky c o u l d n o t e n f o l d it It cou ld n o t be l i g h t e d nor warmed by t h e sun. Such masses of e v i l Would p u z z l e t h e devi l And keep him i n f u e l whi le T i m e ' s wheels r u n .
I d o n ' t t h i n k t h a t ' s a l l t h a t funny.
I d o n ' t t h i n k i t ' s meant t o be.
And wha t ' s more, I d o n ' t t h i n k you ' r e '00 y e r s a y y e r are. Oops, I s h o u l d n ' t 'ave said t h a t shou ld I , - be ing as what I ' m i n t h e c l e a r and a l l , if you are.
N o . S i l l y o l d you! But why d i d you s a y it?
'cos i f y e r w a s ' i r n y e r ' d look l i k e t h e King, and y e r don't. N o t the leas t l i t t l e b i t !
11-36
NORMAN laughs u p r o a r i o u s l y .
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
NORMAN
Very c l e v e r , Wombat. You're r i g h t , I ' m n o t him. I ' m no more Royal t han you a r e !
H e c r o s s e s o f f t h e Duke of C la rence from t h e blackboard.
Then . . ..?
Then who am I?
Yeah. You've g o t t o t e l l .
A s he remains s i l e n t , she runs t o the mant lep iece t o open t h e s e a l e d envelope, and r e a d t h e c o n t e n t s .
W e l l I never! .._. I suppose it makes sense .
Y e s . . . I loved Mary K e l l y , bu t I c o u l d n ' t wean h e r from t h e streets. I n e a r l y d i d by carv ing up t h o s e whores. The real t r o u b l e was I enjoyed it - a l l t h e doub l ing a b o u t , and the t e r r o r . Everybody was in s u c h a p a n i c of h o r r o r . And t o t h i n k it was m e - silly o l d Joe Barne t t t h e fish p o r t e r caus ing it a l l !
She w a s t h a t f r i g h t e n e d .
A r e g u l a r stampede.
Why d i d n ' t you k i l l m e , t h e n , when it was
man number 5 and I ' d l o s t t h e game?
You're n o t a whore, that's why ... O h why a r e n ' t you! I t would have made it all so easy.
RHOMA Easy?
11-37
NORMAN (anguished) W e l l it i s n ' t you know. C u t t i n g f l e s h . Sawing bone. F e e l i n g t h e sp ray a f warm blood as t h e k n i f e p lucks t h e t u b e s .
RHOMA Why d o n ' t y e r t r y and t h i n k of t h e better t i m e s - t h e b o t t l e s of g i n ye r bought h e r , o r t h e f lowers , o r t h e new dress, o r gay bonnet , or some p r e t t y t r i n k e t , o r a s c a r f was it, o r a p a c k e t of tobacco o r some perfume o r face powder o r a j o l l y l i t t l e s l i d e f o r ' e r ' a i r , o r w a s it a new p a i r o f g lacg k id boo t s t o e a s e 'er ach ing f e e t ...
Out of s i g h t o f RHOMA, Norman s t ands look ing a t a s l i d e he has p u t i n a p r o j e c t o r , and which i s thrown on t h e f a r w a l l . H i s f a c e i s anguished as he looks a t it. It i s t h e Scot land Yard photograph of t h e a p p a l l i n g l y m u t i l a t e d remains of Mary Kel ly . N o more f u r i o u s or f r e n z i e d a t t a c k i s imaginable . She has been skinned and disembowelled, and her h e a r t c u t o u t , and her face e n t i r e l y erased, and t h e room f e s t o o n e d w i t h he r t r i p e s . As Police Chief S i r M e l v i l l e Macnaghten noted a t t h e t i m e , t h e Murderer had t o have been a t work for a t l e a s t t w o hours.
RHOMA p r a t t l e s on innoncent ly , t o t a l l y unaware of t h e c o r r u s c a t i n g e f fec t h e r words are having on him. (N.B. T h i s s l i d e can obviously be a s s m a l l o r as l a r g e as d e s i r e d and as c l e a r l y f o c u s s e d ) .
RHOMA (Cont ' d )
Y e s , 1'11 bet it w a s t h e boots was ye r f a v o u r i t e . You ' re such a t h o u g h t f u l man, and i n s p i t e o f e v e r y t h i n g you say y e r r e a l l y d i d love ' e r , and d i d t r y and save ' e r from t h e streets.
NORMAN suddenly throws back h i s
head and howls, as t e a r s o f shame and remorse cour se down h i s cheeks.
She goes t o comfort him a s he t u r n s o f f t h e p r o j e c t o r .
11-38
RHOMA
NORMAN
RHOMA
It's alright.
(in despair) It's not. I've still got to do it! I can't let you go! You see you know now, and you'll tell, and my great mystery will be gone. I'll be j u s t anybody - as you said, a nine day wonder.
You can't! ... You're a different man now ... You've got what my mum calls remorse of conscience. You can't do it! ... And I won't never tell, ever, ever, ever .... Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die ..... Ooops!
She laughs. He joins her, briefly .
Thanks for the tea ... I'll probably get a second when 1 get 'ome. Mum might even 'ave kept me a kipper!
They laugh again. She walks slowly towards the door, as one walking on egg shells. She pauses with her hand on the knob, and looks her appeal.
RHOMA Goodbye - Joe .... or should I say (Cont'd) Rumplestiltskin!
He makes an open handed gesture inviting her to leave, and throws her the key across the length of the stage. She catches it one handed. She un locks the door, opens it, and steps through it a s
THE CURTAIN FALLS
11-39
T h e Scotland Yard photograph of the mutilated rcmains of Marie Kelly, referred to in the Mncnaghkn papers,
