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Living life

On

Life’s terms

(A voice of addiction)

By

Jason Firmani

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I met a lady one night

Not being me I came across, not right

But of that night inspiration came

To write this book to explain

For I am an addict, one of pride

Clean and sober, from the world I don’t hide

Jason

I’m battling to sleep, my head in a spin

A book to write, so others can win

My gift to you, all part in creation

For those who seek addiction salvation

Jason

This book dedicated to

To my beautiful daughter Jayde for teaching me the true meaning of

unconditional love

To my family- Cheryl (mom), Albie (dad), Jodie (sister), Viv (brother-

in-law) and Daniella (niece) for all their love and support through

trying times

To my friends for putting up with my moods

To all who have walked with me in my recovery

To Ross for believing in me in a somewhat unorthodox way and for

accepting me for who and what I am. Thanks for being you. To our

past, present and future together

To Robin, Cathy Lee, Melanie and Leon for proof reading from an

objective point of view and to Bunny and Fudgie for lessons taught

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Contents

Part 1: Understanding

Chapter 1. Jason, page 4

Chapter 2. The drugs, page 11

Chapter 3. Addiction, page 16

Chapter 4. The addict, page 22

Part 2: Recovery

Chapter 5. Approach, page 29

Chapter 6. The tools, page 40

Chapter 7. My recovery , page 46

Chapter 8. You, page 62

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Chapter 1

Jason

One’s worst day in recovery is better than one’s best high in active addiction!!!

Surprised? Yes? Then let me explain.

Hi! My name is Jason and I’m a recovering drug addict.

The reason why I say recovering drug addict, besides from it being the truth, is that i’m

recovering my life, my sense of purpose, all that I am in discovering myself again. I lost

it all to this dreaded disease of drug addiction. Material possessions can be replaced. I

can’t! I’m not a nobody or just a somebody. No. I am Jason Firmani. We are all special,

every single one of us (including you).

So lets go back to the opening line. One’s best high is that first hit or first pill or first sniff

etc (you get the picture), well it never comes back. So how come some people try it once

and never again, some say it did nothing for them and for the majority of us we always

say that we’ll stop tomorrow? For some, tomorrow never comes due to an overdose. I

have lost good friends through o/d, because of there addiction. So what is it? Addiction is

not the drugs or booze or money. No. Addiction is the nature of the addict, not the

person, two very distinct personalities in one human being, as I’ll explain in this book.

Now for one’s worst day in recovery. When nothing seems to be going right, you feeling

down and asking yourself is this really worth it? Why me? I have no life, etc? By now in

active addiction we would’ve got loaded, but all we are doing is delaying our growth

stages of recovery. When we have these feelings of doubt and no self worth, while we

ride this emotional roller-coaster, actually what we are experiencing is life and all its ups

and downs. Life is not easy, yet it is simple. So why do we complicate it more? Recovery

teaches and equips us with the abilities and tools to live life on life’s terms, so when we

are having bad days all that it is teaching us, is to address the situation or problem,

identify the emotion or feeling and deal with it as normal people would. I use the word

normal loosely, as I have met normal people who are even more messed up in the head as

what addicts are. So from

Now on I’ll refer to non-addicts as straight people and us addicts, well, we’ll just be

ourselves. My own definition of normality is one’s own perception of what one would

deem as acceptable or permissable.

A quick story as to why I’m writing this book came about when i was six months into

recovery, when my hairdresser set me up on a blind date. I was pretty excited by this as

this is what recovery is all about, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs and

having new experiences and most importantly, having fun, while living clean. Any way i

arrive at our rendevoux point and we introduce ourselves and get chatting. I order her a

glass of wine and a soft drink for me. This surprised her a bit (I know why I can’t drink),

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so, first dilema: how do I explain the reason why I can’t drink? During active addiction

my pancreas started playing silly buggers, which gave me the perfect out (or so I

thought). I told her I was a diabetic, end of that. No. She proceeds to tell me her friend’s

diabetic and they usually enjoy a few glasses of wine together.

My quick come back still doesn’t get me out of this one as I tell her that her mate

probably is on insulin or some form of medication, but I control mine by diet (take that! I

say to myself). She asks if I have ever drunk? If so, what did I drink? I say I used to enjoy

a beer or scotch. Then I get told that it is okay for me to drink these (clever girl this), we

harped on this for a while still, then she realised no was no and our conversation took its

course on many topics. The end of the evening came and we went our seperate ways,

agreeing to see each other again, which never materialised. It came out later via my

hairdresser that my blind date thought I was a nerd. I am deffinately no nerd and may as

well throw no angel in with this too. So the messages I wish to portray in this book is

firstly to help the addict to realise themselves- that recovery is possible. Secondly to help

the straight person to better understand the addict, so when someone says to you that they

are an addict, you wont label us and think lesser of us. We are not gutter junkies which

most people think we are. Thirdly is that we are not looking for sympathy. Only a fair

chance in society to pay our debts, not just to you, but ourselves too. Fourthly, please

don’t treat us any differantly as you would any body else.

Some background info into my life and up bringing, I was born on october 16th

1968 into

a middle class family in Johannesburg. Being my dad, Albie and my mom, Cheryl and

my sister, Jodie. While growing up I was spoilt as I wanted for nothing and had a lot of

opportunities to experience things and do things with a bright future that awaited me in

adulthood. I never really had any hang ups, I adjusted and adapted well to any situation I

was in and got on well with just about everybody. I had

Good friends, alot of whom I am still in contact with today. I guess I grew up a happy

child (a little over weight but I learnt how to remedy that later on), my parents were a

little over protective but they eased off as I grew older. I spent a lot of time as youngster

with my grandmother while my parents were at work and all through primary school

Life in primary school was a breeze for I was a pretty bright lad who listened well in

class. I was not the studious type as I’ve always had a good memory (I thank God today

that active addiction did not destroy it, I knew the dangers of addiction and the mind and

memory are attacked badly, I always had my nose in crosswords to stimulate and exercise

my brain while in active addiction). I could never understand why my class mates took

the allocated time period to complete there assignments or projects when it could be done

in one afternoon and homework could also be known as, before the schoolday starts

schoolwork, why waste a good afternoon of doing nothing or getting upto mischief.

School is school and hometime is hometime. My sister was the exact opposite who

always did her homework and studied for tests and exams, believe me she is a bright and

intelligent girl in her own right who also had the same opportunities and up bringing as

me, yet she is an addict to, so where’s the connection? Brings me back to saying that

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addiction is by nature and not that, to which we are addicted. To which we are addicted to

serves us merely as a crutch.

Moving onto high school life is the same, parents are less protective by allowing us to be

on our own in the afternoons to instill in us responsible behaviour. Passed standard six

much the same way I did primary school but now I was becoming to realise I was

different to the other scholars and not knowing how to express it, it was just sense of

knowing.

I always made myself fit in, the clever studious kids were always ridiculed (never show

your true talents or abilities to escape been taken advantage of-bad philosophy), I wanted

to be liked, which wasn’t that difficult as I had a sharp sense of humour and enjoyed

making people laugh, and I still do. A friend of mine got married last year and roped me

into doing a comedy stand up thingy and it felt great!

I played sport but never really excelled because, hey, I was a fat kid, till about standard

eight which is when I started to come into my own. The teasing didn’t bother me (porky

pig, Fattis and Firmanis) as I could laugh at myself and throw some witty retorts back to

those who were teasing me. My couson gave me a bit of a hard time while growing up,

not because of my weight, but because I think he wanted to make sure that I would

always be able to handle myself, so I fought regularly through his pre-arranged fights

(not a bad thing, but senseless).

From standard eight I naturally started losing weight and started training in a gym which

the owner had converted his garage into. The more I trained the more physical changes I

noticed, I never really grew very big for my genetics wouldn’t allow for this. Then I

noticed that the girls were paying a lot more attention to me, which I thought was about

time! In high school I never had any serious relationships, these came later on in life. I

was just enjoying the moment (good advice-even now). It was in high school that first

realised the effects of human behaviour and the human mind always fascinated me. I was

in the naughtiest, loudest, disruptive class imaginable. Twenty four of the naughtiest boys

in school, all placed in one class with six girls, need I say more. A good bunch of guys

never the less and we all got on well. The girls weren’t that naughty but good fun

anyhow. I think it was more along the lines of sink or swim. So, yes, our class was

marked, not buy our abilities, but by how we came across. Which I proved to myself

when writing matric finals. I had failed every term in matric including prelims, yet when

my final papers were marked by someone who had no clue as to who I was, passed me

and quite well too. So please explain this to me when all through matric I was told I am

going to be repeating matric again! Showed them didn’t I.

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Left school joined the police force and was stationed at the Soweto Riot Unit for three

years (it was enough, enjoyed the job but my life was worth more than R1200-00 a

month). Had many eye opening experiences, just as to how cruel people can be with total

disregard for human life, “this coming from a drug addict”, I hear you say! It was in the

police force where I discovered the power of drugs, not narcotics yet, but steroids.

They fulfilled many functions in my life which all manipulated my mind set into

believing that the bigger I got, the more humiliating my presence I would have as a

policeman. As I grew, the more I accepted myself. No more fat kid. (now there’s a joke,

once a fat kid always a fat kid in the mind until one truly comes to love themselves just

the way they are). I cycled as a sport in the police and the steroids did there thing by

enhancing my abilities when training and racing. The steroids were a big part of my life

for about five years

I left the police force weighing 96kg’s on my 1.72m frame with a 32 inch waist. My

weight at the end of active addiction was a whopping 63 kg’s and a 28 inch waist. Now

seventeen months into recovery I weigh roughly 73 kg’s and I’m heading towards my

personal goal weight at a lean 80 kg’s.

This book is not about me, but what recovery is all about! So I’ll wrap up this chapter as

brief as possible. After the police I had a few jobs, repping, personal trainer, topless

waiter in a night club on ladies nights (yes please), you ladies!!! are worse than guys at

strip shows, (I know this due to first hand experience) and I thank you from the bottom of

my heart. I could never seem to find my feet or grounding in purpose, the police robbed

me of every emotion and raped my mind. One learns how to switch off, but never how to

switch back on. I was not very nice or understanding with the woman i dated as i did not

care much for their feelings. If you are one of them, please accept my appology and I ask

your forgiveness? One particular girl comes to mind who I hurt numerous times. Tracy I

am sorry!

My mates were more important to me, than a relationship. I used to party all the time and

used to get oiled on alcohol, still not discovering narcotics yet. Being an ex-policeman, it

went against my beliefs. This party mode lasted for about four years (where my memory

abilities played a part in my mate’s lives.

Whenever we went out they would never write down the names and numbers of the girls

they would meet. Instead I was used as a walking filo-fax. The next day my phone would

ring off the hook. Hey Jay, the blonde’s name again and her number?) Or which one was

Jill and what is Mary’s number?

Then one night some people were doing coke and I thought what the hell, lets give it a

try? Boom!!!! A whole new world had opened up for me and every feeling and emotion

can flooding back, wow I thought as I saw myself through new eyes. Coke was a

weekend recreational passtime and every now and then during the week. The frequncy of

using was increasing all the time and I was totally unaware. I was hooked from the first

line. In the interim with my new found emotional state of mind I met a cute little sexy

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gymnast from Cape Town and had no clue about my using at first. She later became my

wife. She gave me the ultimate gift. The most adorable and truly specially gifted

daughter, Jayde. She has the most incredible mind, very intelligent. At the age of four she

was building puzzles out of her head. By grade two she could recite her readers. She is

just gorgeous with the biggest bluest eyes and incredible personality.

Before we got married Brenda said to me to stop the coke or its no wedding. So no more

coke and got married. The marriage lasted four years. The divorce was triggered due to

the family business, of which I was involved in, went under because of the financial

partner my ex-inlaws had. What a control freak! I still hear you asking so where does the

addiction come in? I’ll get to that shortly. The financial strain took its toll on us and

divorce was inevitible, also we weren’t compatible at all and divorced in July 98.

The last year of marriage we discovered rave parties and clubs (watch this boy boogie.

Yes, that’s me, dancing on the speakers with no shirt on for a change), with all trappings

that came with them. Ecstacy was the final straw. This way of life became the norm for

me. Since the divorce my ex and daughter have moved to Ireland and have been there for

a few years already. I miss Jayde every waking day more and more. Seeing her once a

year is not enough. I think of all her growing years I’m missing out on, not being there to

be able to comfort her or just being able to tuck her in at night with a big hug and kiss. I

love booboo!

By now you can gather, I have no excuses for my drug addiction. Only one reason, that is

by choice. Which I fully accept and come to terms with(after I stopped blaming everyone

and everything for my short comings and misfortunes). I could have picked myself up

and carried on like straight people do, but the drugs became my escape. An escape from

reality. The big question is, escape to where?

The same place every addict escapes to, the world inside there heads, where everything is

logical and seems to make sense. What is it that reality or life can’t offer the addict, that

forces us to escape into our own little world of destruction and despair. These only

surface once in full blown addiction. Once we’ve lost control of our own lives. It is at this

point of losing control that our addict steps in to take over and we humbly give him or her

our power of self control.

Reality seems to have no stimulus for us to live life on life’s terms. Look at movie stars,

rock stars, famous people, etc.

They slip into addiction due to a false sense of reality, where life has become

meaningless and by perception addiction has all the answers.

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Chapter 2

The Drugs

Many types I have tried

From which, so many have died

I hope to save even the life of one

Then I know, this books work is done

I have been spared for a reason

To help you through every season

Of emotion and feeling

To find life, the meaning

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I’m not professing to be a leading authority on drugs and addictions but I speak from two

view points, active addiction and a life without the use of drugs. My findings and

discoveries are from my own personal experiences with this disease and that recovery is

possible.

Addiction is a disease, from which, there is no known cure. It can be understood then,

one’s personal recovery begins.

Incurable disease because its all cunning, baffling and progressive. If it were physical,

then a doctor could treat it. If it were mental, then psychiatry could treat it. If it were

spiritual then one of the cloth could treat it. So what is it? It’s all three.

In this chapter we’re going to have a look at the different types of drugs, whether it be on

black market or over the counter.

1) Alcohol:

Freely available and the one most accepted by society. Disguised in many preparations,

eg. Beer, wine, spirits, shooters and many medicinal preparations. Said to be calming

after a hard days work or a form of relaxation, but to the addict, the apposite is true. Can’t

stop at one or two.

The addict (alcoholic) drinks for a number of reasons, for its so called calming

therapeutic effect. If only it stopped there, but it does’n. We drink ourselves into oblivian

to run away from the harsh realities of life

From dependance we suffer such things as lethargy, incapacity of one’s voluntary

movements and concentration, physical and mental impairment, the inablity to function

on normal levels without a quick pick me up in the mornings. The list goes on and on.

When sobering up insomnia sets in, aggressive behaviour comes out including irritability

and nervousness

Effects of abuse attacks you mentally, damage to internal organs such as the kidneys and

liver, bearing in mind that alcohol is a preservative which is why you always hear of an

alcoholics liver being enlarged. This comes about from the liver growing in order to

function. Many alcoholics suffer from convulsions and often drink themselves to death

due to the effects of abuse. Death is not intentional but a realty of the abuse

2) Nicotine:

A temporary stimulant, and highly addictive. One that I battle with constantly, especially

when my addict’s telling me that its ok to smoke as I can function fully aware in society,

it’s not mood or mind altering (but run out of cigarettes and watch true addict behaviour

come through. Feelings of anxiousness, hyper activity and restlessness, focussed attention

on not having any. Etc….)

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Available everywhere including vending machines. I’m not going to go into detail on

nicotine. Just pick up a newspaper or magazine and it’s in your face, the dangers and

risks of smoking, yet everyone still smokes. With all the new laws being passed about

smoking, the smoker doesn’t smoke less. When they go out, they all slip out for a quick

puff on two cigarettes. Yes, you too. I know this because I’ve seen you and you’ve told

me (I’ve done it too, so don’t feel bad you’re not alone)

3. Over the counter:

Codeine is the biggest culprit and the one my sister battled for thirteen years. She must

have the constitution of a horse because of the amounts she would take. It boggles the

mind. Her daily dose would be up to one hunred tablets a day, yes one hundred, then at

night up to ten sleeping tablets and still be awake for two hours (see, it’s a progressive

disease). Don’t confuse this state being awake as being in a conscious state. Far from

that. Sorry Jodie I’m not being judgemental but pointing a finger at myself too.

Pharmacies have a codeine register wherein patients/customers need to sign for very

purchase as a means of control.

Some do and some don’t, its business as it pays the bills and I can’t blame them as I was

dealing a bit to support my habit too.

Ephadrine, used in most weight loss products, in tonic, capsule or tablet form, is highly

addictive. Beneficial only when taken as prescribed, so why does a bottle meant to last

for two weeks, last only a few days? Is it not easier to drink a dose than to measure the

dose? The sips get bigger and the feelings become more enhanced, you know the ones,

I’ve also experienced them. That tingling feeling over the scalp, the goose bumps on the

skin, heart racing, that anxious feeling we confuse with hyper activity. I would drink half

a bottle and drive straight through to Cape Town. Leave at night and get there the next

morning and still not be able to sleep that day.

Dangers of this drug, is convulsions and yes overdose, organ failure, etc.

Pethidine, a pain killer which is only available on prescription (not really) is also highly

addictive and one which killed a friend of mine due to overdose (not intentional but a

reality of addiction). There is a fine line between a hit and an overdose and it gets crossed

daily. Some are lucky, as they make it, others, who are not found in time, do not.

Other medicinal drugs which are addictive are morphine, welconol or pinks by there

street name, tranquilisers and even analgesics and sleeping tablets.

4) Black market:

Firstly, everything from the pharmacy irrespective of the scheduling (how do you think I

got my steroids, one of them being a schedule 7 drug, which has now been removed from

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the market. A very toxic drug. Even equine medication is available which is common

amongst steroid users. “safe to take” because there is no common disease between man

and horse or so I’m told).

Then we get a host of other drugs (narcotics), such as heroin, cocaine, crack cocaine,

mandrax, marijuana or dagga (natural and coated), hybrids of marijuana by fusing

different types of the herb together and growing new strains, ecstasy available in tablet,

capsule and liquid form, also known as MDMA and has been around since the second

world war.

So not quite the designer drug people are led to believe. Designer being justified by the

fact that it is cut with whole lot of other drugs such ephadrine (the one found in weight

loss medication carrying a schedule 2 grading), ketamine being another drug cut with

MDMA. LSD, has also been around for many decades and still very popular. I’m not a

pharmacist and this book is not to advocate the use of drugs but to bring your attention to

what is available. I did not want to consult the medical profession for research in my

book. I want to relay the message that we all have it within us to do it ourselves as I did.

Those who say it can’t be done, are constantly been shown by those who are doing it!

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Chapter 3

Addiction

Bound by addiction, a slave to you

Robbed of life, and its intentions too

You brought me down

Now, on you I frown

Not your fault, as I gave you permission

To invade my life, to total sub-mission

Now I bid you my best farewell

As I condemn you, straight to hell

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Addiction is the very force which drives the addict to do the crazy things we do. It’s in

understanding the dynamics behind this force that we begin to know the addict.

Addictions come in many disguises and forms. Other than substance abuse, straight

people have addictions, which we’ll chat about in this chapter too. People are addicted to

money, sex, power, people, gambling and even bad relationships.

Addiction is a serious topic, so my chirpy self will take a brief break as we expose this

monster.

The best way for me to describe the dynamics of this force is by using success in an

analogy. Most people view success as being financially independent, living in this

mansion of a house. Furnished with nothing but the very best that money can buy. In the

garages, top of the range luxurious cars. We drip with jewellary and only wear designer

labels. Nothing wrong with this. These are merely the trappings of success. Success is the

steps taken in order to achieve a predetermined and worthwhile goal. So success is in the

journey, not the end result. It is an on going journey. Now, as with every month we need

to meet these obligations and now the pressure is on. Money is now the master, not the

servant. We’re living beyond our means and out of control. So with money being the

master, we’ll try and do anything to lay our hands on it. We forsake our family and

friends, unknowingly at first. Our very focus is on serving the master. The funny thing is,

the master couldn’t care in the least about you, because there are so many other “faithful

servants” doing the same. So the servants compete against each other, unconsciously, in

trying to gain the masters approval all the time. Our actions, our way of thinking, our

emotional state, our outlook on life gets turned upside down as we become so focused on

the master. It’s not a sin to be rich and it’s every persons birthright to be the best that they

can be, in whatever career or profession they have chosen for themselves, as long as it is

ethical and no one gets hurt in the process of achieving. But to the servant in this analogy,

everyone and anything that stands in his/her path gets knocked down, in all aspects of

his/her life chasing that centre of attention.

If you ever un-suspectingly meet a recovering addict and his answer to your question of

why he will not a have a drink with you is: “for starters, I’ll drink you under the table,

then i am only starting to warm up. Then I’ll drink out whatever money you have on you.

When that’s finished we’ll go clear out your bank account and carry on (you said you’re

buying).

Then we’ll take a quick drive up the road and pawn everything of value you have

including your car to the dealer for drugs, because alcohol is not really what I’m looking

for. If you’re lucky you’ll be home in a few days still wearing your shirt! I appreciate

your offer, but no thank you”

Don’t be surprised. He just explained to you from first hand experience what addiction is

all about.

The principle of addiction or the dynamics of addiction is the same, even when we are

addicted to different masters. Addiction takes our control away and takes over our lives

causing total mayhem and destruction. We lose touch with reality and rely on the master

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to dictate how we act, how we feel, what to do and even what our needs are. This is best

explained through the analogy of being addicted to a person.

We rely so much on this person for our false senses. Happiness is a state of mind, comes

from within. So why does the servant’s happiness have to depend on the master? We can

nurture ourselves but again the servant depends on the master for this. The master has full

control of the servant’s emotional state, frame of mind, actions and behaviour patterns.

Living in this false state the servant leads himself to believe that without the master there

is no life. What a load of hogwash. I know what pleases me and what ticks me off. These

are my feelings and I am not dependant on others for my emotional state. I have no

control over people, places or things. Nor do I want to have this control. I’ve learnt this

hard lesson in recovery. People have the ability to be themselves and it is impossible to

please everybody all the time. Coming back to master/servant scenario, the problem is

created on a see-saw of dominance and control. The dominant personality stagnates as

there in no stimulation and the submissive personality get suppressed because there is no

feelings of self-worth. Once, the ties in this relationship is severed the master tumbles and

the servant starts to grow.

Being addicted to bad relationships leads the master to believe that the only way he/she

can be truly loved is by being placed on a pedastal. If the servant doesn’t show the master

the gratitude he/she is lead to believe they’ve earned, then it’s the end of the world, the

servant gets confused and all false emotions errupt in both the master and the servant.

Strange but true. Self love and acceptance is the golden key in any relationship.

Now we better understand addiction. It’s not us but obsessive behaviour. We all have

obsessive tendancies, just some manage to control them and find balance, yet with others

it becomes the main focus and everything else takes a back seat. This alone shows that

there is something lacking in our lives and instead of addressing the issues, we’d rather

make excuses to justify our irrational and illogical behaviour. Easier to shift the blame,

than take responsibility for our own lives and actions. Feelings and emotions associated

with addictions are hurt, pain, guilt, remorse, inadequacy, low self-esteem, no self worth

and no self love, anxiousness and paranoia. In terms of addiction, anxiousness sets in

when we need to get our hands on drugs and will do anything and everything to get them.

Then comes the trip to the dealer, not the longest drive but it takes for ever. Everyday

when people drive the same routes all the time for arguments sake, to work. It becomes

so routine and trivial that we drive to work hypnotically. Not to the drive to dealer and we

know the route so well, yet we take notice of everything along the way. Paranoia sets in

on the way home. Who was watching? Did anybody recognise me? Paranoia leads to

feelings of insufficiency. We’ve bought three gram’s of coke and one gram is used on the

drive home, oops!!! Maybe we should’ve got more, one gram is already finished and this

sets the tone for the rest of the evening: little trips back and forward pleasing the master.

Crack cocaine is nasty as you’ll spend the rest of your life chasing those few minutes of

false bliss.

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Trust me when I say this, healing is possible and it only comes from within. Addiction

directly affects the lives of sixteen people. Wow. We can’t even take responsibilty for our

own lives. That’s the thing, they adapt as they are forced to, but eventually they get sick

and tired of thee excuses and what they see as empty promises. We’ll discover in the next

chapter these promises aren’t really empty as they carry two

Intensions. Your addict’s intention is much stronger than your own (yup, I’ve

experienced this numerous times too). “mom”! “dad”! “please can you help me, there is

this person I owe some money to who is actually a supplier of mine and he has threatened

to hurt me quite seriously if I don’t pay him (underground drug trade has no ethics in

there business dealings, pardon the punn). And by the way I am a drug addict”. That

night I made every promise I could think of to stop the drugs. My addict got pissed off

with me for not consulting him in this regard and showed me for another year who was in

charge (yes master!!!!) There is money to be made in drugs, lets not kid ourselves. The

addict enjoys all the benefits of the profits and we see nothing. And that’s the truth. If

you are thinking about taking this route, don’t. It’s not worth it. Go into recovery and see

the rewards that it has to offer

Addiction is not easy to overcome. For that master who you valued so highly has no

place in recovery, for in recovery you can’t serve two masters. And no. Recovery is not a

master either. The only master in recovery is you.

Recovery is not for the chosen few but for those who choose it. A life without substance

abuse is the ultimate high! Don’t believe me? Then I challenge you. Don’t take my word

for it. Find out for yourself!

Cross –addiction is just as serious as addiction itself. All that happens is a new master

presents himself to fill the void of the addiction that was present previously. Life still just

exists with no purpose and no direction. Most importantly balance in life is non-existant.

Same behavioural patterns serving a different master. We kid ourselves constantly in

believing, now that we’ve stopped the drugs it’s ok to drink. Sex is a major cross-

addiction amonst “recovering addicts”. There are no feelings involved, as the physical act

becomes the master. Focusing on the new master shifts our attention away from the

drugs. Sex becomes the new drug or alcohol or exercise or even recovery. Recovery

becomes a master when our attention is solely on clean time and not living. Another

major cross- addiction to watch out for is gambling, as with drugs and alcohol there are

no winners, except for the “lucky few”.

My father battled with gambling for many years and he will be the first to tell you it’s a

big no-no. Gambling was his master. Extremely destructive and crippling. He has been

“clean” now for eight years.

The addiction to gambling is so rife, that gamblers can have themselves blacklisted at

casinos. If you are blacklisted, and lets say you win a jackpot at that casino, you will be

charged and arrested for fraud. Casinos even offer the gambler help by means of trained

psycologists. Pity the same can’t be done to help the substance abuser. Imagine

17

blacklisting yourself at all dealers (or pubs and clubs). You rock up there and instead of

being supplied with your drugs you are a supplied with a psycologist. Wow! What a

caring dealer. Not.

18

Chapter 4

The Addict

Of my life, you had control

For your consequences, I pay the toll

These I’ve accepted as my own

I reap what you have sown

Destruction and chaos behind me now

Humbly before myself I bow

For my forgiveness and for you

I have triumphed, this is true

19

Don’t kid yourself for one moment into believing that the addict is an idiot. Drugs don’t

discriminate, people do! I have used with and dealt to other addicts, I myself would never

had suspected. At clubs and parties (I never sold there, far to dangerous, not for fear of

the police but what would be done to me for selling in someone else’s territory. A lot of

politics involved and I don’t see the need to elaborate), I would bump into old

acquaintances and people I had met during my life. And I would greet them with utter

shock and dis-belief.

These people could be the high powered lawyer who is your neighbour, the woman

executive with her own business across the road, the doctor who stays behind you, even

you. So not that easy to identify physically, only by behaviour. Me being one and having

spent so much time in the company of addicts, helps me to identify them pretty quickly.

People who know me will be shocked when they discover that i am an addict too!

The addict is a clever little so and so. The addict can justify anything. The addict is sly,

cunning and extremely resourceful. If they can’t get their own way, they will lie and

cheat. So focused is their attention on serving their master, they will come across totally

believable. If you don’t buy into their, stories the addict will then play on your emotions

and pull every guilt string they can find. (manipulative little bugger, hey!). If that has no

effect they will steal you blind and pawn anything they can lay their hands on. So fueled

is the addict by addiction that consequence never even features. The addict does not care

when they are in this “feeding frenzy”. After the little binge and all the effects have worn

off, guilt sets in and every other feeling and emotion that is associated with this guilt (the

hurts and the pains) .the person can’t deal with these feelings on an emotional level and

presto! The addict takes over, again, hence leading to another “feeding frenzy”. The guilt

stems from knowing, that the way in which the drugs were obtained goes against their

very nature, and guilt for knowing that drugs are a no-no.

See the pattern, compounded feelings and emotions get more and more suppressed the

more we use. Eventually addiction becomes the foundation for our coping skills in life.

The deeper into addiction we go, the bigger the part, the drugs start to play. In reality all

that is happening is we’re masking our feelings to the point that we think they don’t exist

anymore.

The same is said for straight people, who live on tablets to cope with the stresses in life.

They come home to a full buffet of tablets, for every situation they “feel” they are in. “I

had such a bad day so I’ll just take a little pick me up, you know, just so I can unwind”.

For this problem there’s that, for that problem there’s this. They are becoming addicts

without even realising it. That’s how my sister got hooked. It all started with a few tablets

for her sinus problem, thirteen years later, my sister who had become a zombie, was still

justifying why she needed this little helper. Thanks to her addict. My sister is no zombie

but her addict is.

Myself and my addict share the same body. Let’s call it myself with a splintered

personality. Not schizophrenia, because my addicts name is Jason too. I have my way of

doing things, I have my own interests and beliefs. I have desires and intentions and I

20

know what I’m all about. The same can be said for Jason the addict. That’s where it ends!

We do not connect on the same level. I live in reality and he lives in my head. He tries to

control the way i think, act and do. In active addiction, he got it right, as i came across as

not giving a hoot. I am the one who has to answer to his actions. I’m not passing the

buck, but it was his frame of mind that consumed me for four years. And it was his

master being served, not mine. I accept full responsibility though, as it was my decision

to fully consciously allow him to consume me to the point where I had given him full

control. He will always be with me till the day i die. He still pushes his luck with me and

thinks he can trick me to help him to serve his master. He doesn’t care which master.

It was Sunday the 25th

November 2000, that I finally took control of my life again and

said goodbye to the drugs and alcohol. For about year leading up to this date, I had tried

so many times to stop the drugs. The less drugs I took, the more I drank and I’ve never

been a big drinker. All I was doing was substituting drugs with alcohol (cross-addiction).

The alcohol was never what I was looking for. So when I used drugs, I would binge. I

would get about three or four weeks no using (just drinking) and “reward myself”.

Most addicts have a drug of choice. Not me. I enjoyed a full buffet. However!! There

were drugs I avoided completely and can honestly say have never tried. I knew I had an

addictive nature and stayed away from crack cocaine; heroine; welconol and mandrax. I

used cocaine, my ecstacy and lsd was chased with ephadrine, Iused speed, poppers and

the occasional bottle of cough mixture (codeine).

For those who are into palmistry, one look at my hands and you’ll see the addict. As I’ve

learnt and discovered, on my left hand, I have a simian line. That is when the head line

and the heart line are one line. A solid thick stripe, running across my hand. They say one

in every ten thousand people will have a simian line. (Now this is where the plot

thickens) it also occurs on my right hand. The lines on my hands are almost mirrors of

each other. People with simian lines battle with emotions and are coldly logical. My lines

are quite high up on my palms, which means I’m more coldly logical than emotional,

which I fully understand now. These lines don’t influence me negatively as I understand

them and recovery has taught me which emotions to use when making decisions. When I

was a young boy (and fat) a man by the name of Mike, worked with my mom and he

could read palms. Whenever I went to work with her, he would always study my hands

make photo copies of them as my hands fascinated him.

As I said before, drugs don’t discriminate, people do. They label us addicts attach a

stigma to us. These stigma’s which society places on us are dangerous and hurtful, not

just to us but society too. When I was born my mom labeled me Jason. That’s the only

label I wear. I’ll wear the label of addict only when necessary i.e. when reaching out to

other addicts or when to protect myself.

Let me tell you a story about the destructive forces of stigmas. Once upon a time……

(hey! This is not a fairy tale)! Sorry about that. No. This is a true story but I’ll change the

names. We have Mike*, Greg* and Andy*. All roughly the same age given a few years

and I know them personally. Mike is an acquaintance, Greg a friend and Andy a very

21

good friend of mine. Other than having drugs in common they are all retired professional

boxers having had a good professional records.

Mikes* debut into the professional ring was rewarded with a first round knockout in I

think it was about twenty odd seconds after the bell (I stand to be corrected). This was to

become the norm in his pro career. During his career he partied with his mates who took

advantage of his boxing abilities and would always make trouble relying on Mike* for

back-up (nice friends hey). Being a pro boxer what could he do? If he fought his pro

licence would be revoked (what did his friends care)? Asthma put paid to his career. His

mates, still the little trouble makers would involve Mike*. Mike* got a reputation as

being a bully and would hit anybody, putting a lot of people in hospital with serious

injuries (he was a heavy weight boxer with a big punch). Thanks to all the little

instigators, this became the norm. Drugs and alcohol were becoming more regular for

Mike until full blown addiction. His addict was making him do crazy things and he was

out of control. His mates still letting up on him. Forcing him to live up to his reputation to

the point where it was second nature for him. Eventually he would even smack his mates

around and cause such havoc in area.

People were calling him a menace to society and trying everything to get him locked up.

Menace now being the stigma he wore worked well, as he showed them all what a

menace was all about. Mike* was in so much pain and anger but society and his friends

would not let up. Knowing that mike* had addiction problems did not stop anybody. All

the while it was Mike’s* addict creating all the chaos as the master needed to be served

by any means. This very same society could have helped mike* differently if they only

understood the addict and addiction. With understanding and compassion society could

have helped in another way. The straight person is ignorant to the epidemic of addiction

and I hope to help you to better understand.

The good news is and I’m happy to say, Mike* managed to clean up his act and can take

his rightful place as a productive member of society. Change is possible. And it comes

with recovery. We are not bad people trying to become good. No, we are sick people

getting better (we are healing and it’s constant). If only society would re-accept us and

afford us the opportunity to set things right

Now we meet Greg*, also had brilliant career, fought for world titles. His friends loved

him and he is a great guy. They did not take advantage of Greg* and somehow drugs also

came into his life. Yet he never went through what mike went through, because the

people in Greg’s* life were supportive and understanding and never took advantage of

his status. They respected him. Through this love and understanding he never endured

what Mike* did and was able to get the right help. Well done Greg*.

Then there’s Andy*, same brilliant pro career. Also had world title fights and a real

gentleman. Drugs only came into his life when he retired. Sometimes I blame myself for

his drug using (I gave him his first ecstacy capsule). It was his conscious decision to take

it. After that it was all up to him. We partied for two solid years. Sometimes I envied him

as he was still very responsible and professional in his business. He’s also cleaned up his

22

and has truly found his path in life, and now runs a successful boxing gym. Andy* I take

my hat off to you with the utmost respect and wish you all the very best that life has to

offer buddy. You’ve earned it!

I also have markings that are synonomous with addicts. I have tattoos (no piercings-not

for me). But don’t judge me by them as tattoos have been around for centuries.

Another craving which addiction fed is adrenalin. I have always been a bit of an adrenalin

junkie and drugs seemed to have had a part in this too. Whether it be in the buying of or

the selling of or just in the taking of the drugs, somehow I used to get an adrenalin rush.

A subtle feeling but one I could feel (difficult to explain in words). Addiction is a slow

death sentence. One that is self imposed when we consciously decided to take that first

drug and allow the addict in us to take control. I liken it to a game of Russian-Roulette.

One never knows when the gun will go off. (slowly committing suicide)

That’s why it’s a progressive disease. Your body builds up an immunity to the dosages

you take. The further into addiction we are sucked the bigger the dosages get in order to

get that “high we are always chasing”.

I made a promise to myself in recovery that I would never play Russian-Roulette with my

life again with things I had no control over.

23

Part 2:

Recovery

24

Chapter 5

Approach

With knowledge, I myself empower

To rise above addiction, I now tower

For i live a life, so serene

Because from drugs, I now am clean

It’s not easy, but oh so simple

I smile with a cheeky dimple

Put down the drug

And kick it, like a thug

25

Facing Cause Face

An Of Everything

Inner Using And

Truth Recovery’s Recover

Heals A

Great

Effort

Leave What Son

Everything Our Of-a

To Recovery Bitch

God Knows Everything’s

Okay Real

Any Anybody Solutions

Change Doing To

To Drugs Every

Improve In Problem

Our Compulsive Sober

Natures Trouble

Personal Wrong Simply

Recovery Or How

Involves Right I’m

Deflating Remain Thinking

Ego Yourself

Nothing Ass

Else Saving

Worked Kit

26

Recovery Choosing

Exists Honesty

Life Allows

And New

Program Growth

Seem Everyday

Empty

Welcome to recovery! We did not become addicted in one day, so don’t expect recovery

to happen overnight (aint that the truth). There is one little trick that makes it all possible.

One trick so simple (not easy) that even you can do it and astound yourself. Are you

ready? Here it comes? Wait for it! (deep breathe) put down the drugs. Don’t pick up,

no matter what! That’s it! If they are not in your hand, you cannot take them. It’s that

simple. And yes it’s not easy (but possible).

There are many methods and means for recovery. We have support groups and

rehabilitation centres and even some institutions, which offer recovery programmes. If

you feel that you cannot do it alone and will benefit from professional help, then I

suggest a rehab centre that offers the twelve step programme (you won’t be sorry. I

promise). Using my sister as an example (thanks Jodie), she was in active addiction for

thirteen years and tried and tested just about every avenue possible to the addict. Sleep

therapy, detox centres, you name it, she tried it. Why were these methods insufficient?

Because they only treat the systems and not the cause! I’m not knocking them as many

addicts have benefitted and managed to clean up their act, so don’t get me wrong. The

difference at a twelve step recovery centre is their holistic approach to the disease of

addiction. They get right down to the cause and that’s where the healing starts, in

learning to identify the addict and the reasons for which we became involved in active

addiction. Jodie is now eighteen months clean due to the twelve step programme’s

approach to addiction. This same programme helped my dad to achieve eight free

addiction years from gambling and my seventeen months from drugs (I promised it could

be, done didn’t I)!

Withdrawal is a mental one but some drugs have physical withdrawal symptoms too,

such as heroin and codeine. The withdrawal is so severe as the mind and body fight for

that fix and the pain the addict suffers is very intense (but worth it). Help is at hand to

relieve the pain of the physical. Methadone is given to addicts while going through the

detox stages for heroin and codeine. Rehabs are good and offer the addict a kickstart to

their clean time (remember, recovery is not about clean time, but living life without the

use of drugs)

While in rehab, the addict is protected from external forces of addictions and is equipped

to fight the internal forces with one’s self. When you are dis-charged from rehab and set

foot outside, that’s when recovery life really starts, as now it is up to you to make it work.

27

Avoid dark people, places and things. It was hard on me to turn my back on friends, yet it

was extremely necessary as I knew these people would bring me down, and quickly. So I

placed myself under house arrest purely out of self preservation. This protected me from

the external temptations (I was already fighting my addict self and did not need added or

undue pressure from others). I had a select number of friends who I could trust with

whom I could associate. Thereby not putting my recovery in jeopardy or myself, so I

would be in situations I could control, not my addict. Seventeen months later, I have no

desire or need to use and drink and it is hard work to get to this point.

Recovery is possible when, and only, the addict stops living in “denial”, (no, it’s not a

river in Egypt). Accepting that you are an addict and that you are powerless over your

addiction, is taking the first step (a liberating feeling). Once you have admitted this to

yourself, start recovery today (at this point your little addicts voice is going to do all that

is possible to get you to continue using. Trust me and remember this is a clever tricky

little bugger and is going to make deals with you. Just once more, then we’ll stop. Wait!

We’ll stop tomorrow, not right now. Come on bud, you’re not an addict you can stop any

time. And so on and so on. You’ll even be tricked into believing that you are a successful

or merely recreational user. Stand your ground, take charge now and by all means

don’t give in). Tomorrow might not come so do it now! Please!!!!!

Give up your addiction and your addict as this starts a positive mindset. Do it for yourself

and no one else. Giving in to others to clean up creates an environment conducive to the

addict. Reasons for your relapses are perfectly calculated without you even realising it.

When relapses occur, the predetermined reasoning pops out of no-where. Giving up

comes willingly. Giving in comes forcibly. No one likes to be forced to do things.

Therefore do not be forced into recovery as your approach will be half hearted. Recover

willfuly and receive the rewards that recovery offers (these rewards only come with

effort. Work your recovery). At the beginning of my recovery the approach I used was to

clean up by any means possible. I was going to be as committed to recovery as I was to

addiction. In addiction I did everything possible to please the master and now I was to

use the same driving force for recovery in a positive manner. This is why I try my best to

live by spiritual principles. Remember, we are not bad people trying to become good. No.

We are sick people healing and getting better. These spiritual principles enrich my life

and open me up to all the good that life has to offer. The healing that these principles

offer the addict are priceless and the therapeutic effect they have in your life are without

parallel. Again. Don’t take my word for it and try for yourself and enjoy life’s blessings.

The most important of these principles which to live by in everyday life, are, honesty,

willingness, to be openminded, faith, hope, trust and positivity (come now it is

simple. Okay, I’ll give you a little tip then, if you think it’s not possible. Fake it till you

make it. By which time it will have become second nature. There we go). The most

important of these principles is faith and hope. Apply these two and all is possible.

I appologise for drawing this chapter out a bit, but it is for a good reason. Firstly to gain

your trust by tweaking your interest and secondly to open your mind up to an incredilble

life that awaits you in recovery (i promised you a better way of life, didn’t I?). A quick

28

re-cap (bare with me). Let’s see! We’ve identified we are addicts and have put down the

drugs. We’ve told our addict, sorry pal, but this is where i take over again, no deals. (our

addict will be with us for the rest of our lives, so please don’t bargain with this

destructive character. Tell this character to shut up whenever it starts to take up your

thoughts and pay this character no attention. Who cares if it sulks). We’ve consciously

decided that recovery is what we want and made the commitment too.

Now we are ready (this is where faith and hope come in). In faith and hope we

surrender our will (we’ve discovered how easily it can be manipulated. So you are

already used to it), to a higher power (no! Not the master again. But, the ultimate

authority who makes it all possible). God! (this is where your open mind comes in, so

don’t give me that, I have not bible punched once in this book nor am I going to). You

can choose to call this higher power what ever you want to, till you are comfortable to

call this higher power, god. We surrender our will to a higher power (whom i choose to

call god) as this higher power only wants what is best for us and will guide us

accordingly. My god has proven to me numerous times of his existance and to you too.

After all he has answered your prayers, one of which is he has spared you for a life in

recovery. Your reading this book aren’t you? In active addiction how many times haven’t

we asked god, “if you can get me out of this one, I’ll…………?”. And he did! Time and

time again. So in faith and hope we’ve surrendered our will to a higher power and

recovery is now possible. Your higher power will express himself to you as a loving and

forgiving one and in ways that you will have no doubt in your higher powers existance,

and you will be guided to all that is good for you in life. Again I ask you not to doubt

your higher power as you have already been guided to start your recovery here.

(awesome stuff, hey!)

Through believing in this higher power, it automatically instills trust in us as it brings

about a calming effect to our lives. We all have war stories from active addiction and we

know of the destructive and un-managable lives we led in total chaos. This chaos alone

should have opened our eyes, yet we just carried on (yes master!).

My dreams, hopes and desires that I carried with me in active addiction are coming true

and being fulfilled everyday as I see the miracles being performed. Every night I thank

my god of my understanding for not using drugs and drinking today. Recovery teaches

you that just for today Iwill not use. There are two days we need not worry about which

are yesterday and tomorrow, they have already been determined by what we did today

(cool, no pressure). Life is good and gets better everyday. This I gaurantee you of

(another promise, I’m really going out on a limb here, hey!). Just put down the drugs,

don’t pick up the alcohol, stick to your commitment, surrender your will to a higher

power, with your open mind full in faith and hope, trust that your life will be one of

serenity!

Recovery offers untold rewards for those whom actively seek it. At the start our

emotional roller-coaster does not let up so don’t be discouraged. It’s a tough ride but

worth it. Feeling these emotions is all part of the process. Your ups are ups and your

downs are downs. Teaching us the ability to recognise what it is that we are feeling,

29

discovering the reason for it and identifying the cause then dealing with it on the spot.

Don’t suppress it. Deal with it. These emotions will have trigger points so identifying

them will become second nature with time. (like that dog Pavlov, the stimulus and

response canine). In dealing with emotions we are being equipped with coping skills.

These skills we have already learnt while growing up and are deeply rooted within us, so

accessing them is not an impossibility but a given. Very often it’s by our own perception

that we don’t have them and it was our so called inability to use them that led us into

addiction in the first place as we saw an easy way out. The joke’s on us as we are greeted

by them on the way back into recovery. It does not matter what we do or don’t, they are

there. They lay dormant till given the chance to catch you off guard. The sooner you

accept them and deal with them the better off you’ll be. So many times I have heard and

spoken to recovering addicts with lots of clean time behind, some even years and yet they

are still full of pain and hurt and anguish and carry resentments and grudges against

everything and everyone including themselves (dumb; stupid and ignorant). Build that

bridge and get over it now, you are holding yourself back. There is no place in recovery

for self pity so living in what could’ve been or what should’ve been and what might’ve

been does not work. You are where you are exactly by your own choice. You choose to

wollow in self pity, you choose to hate your life, you choose to blame not yourself. The

world and society owe us nothing so choose to take responsibility for yourself now (even

if it means adopting a personality and losing the attitude. See, fake it till you make it).

You can do it! I know you can. Others are so why not you?

I came into recovery with junkie pride as do we all. This junkie pride will be your

downfall. At my first support group meeting I was cut down to size by myself as I heard

the other recovering addict’s stories. It was a very humbling experience and one Iwill

never forget (NB! Note to self. Find a support group that offers a twelve step

programme). That night I realised I was not the bad assed junkie I thought I was. No

way. There were addicts there far worse off than I was and my junkie pride flew out the

window, and all Icould sense was how honoured I was to be with this bunch who had

overcome there problem and had found this new way of life without the use of drugs.

And I wanted it to. That night I promised myself I would never take drugs again and just

for today it is possible (seventeen months later I’m still proving it to myself). I’m

achieving what I set out to do and based my recovery on a positive, grateful and happy

mindset. I hurt many people in active addiction, family and friends and fellow addicts.

My addiction and addict nature turned me into a monster around those I loved and cared

for, those who did not really know me would’ve been none the wiser as I hid it well as

you’ll find out in the next chapter when we’ll chat about relationships (both in active

addiction and recovery). Most importantly I hurt myself and it was me that needed to heal

first so that I could mend what I had destroyed with others later. I did not want my

recovery to be based on guilt, hurt, anger, remorse, etc (all the negative emotions). In

order for me to benefit from a positive recovery I had to forgive myself first for recovery

to be possible, then i came to terms with what needed to be done and put the negative

emotions on hold regarding others as I needed to focus on myself. (clearly, as this is

where the problem stems from- Jason the addict). Jason (me of course) is actually a nice

guy (friendship fees to any takers, only joking). Seriously though, i needed to find myself

again. And i have! So can you!

30

Patience and tolerance is fundamentally important in recovery. These two principles for

me were difficult to start with as they have never been one of my strong points, as,

believe it or not, I am an impulsive little bugger. (I hope you are enjoying reading this

book as much as I am writing it. Extremely therapeutic for me and for you too I hope).

My family will be the first to acknowledge this impulsive behaviour on my behalf (thanks

guys) as it has been brought to my attention on numerous occasions. Wait? Impulsive or

compulsive? Okay, so I’m both. I woke up the second day in recovery and I wanted to

know where everything is that this recovery’s promised me. I wanted my car, my house,

my motorbike, my girlfriend, my job, my fat salary, etc! Etc! Etc!

Then a little voice asked that isn’t it more important to maybe find myself first? Clever

little voice this I thought only to discover later that everyone has one of these clever little

voices and it has name. They call it intuition. Wow! Listen to your intuition as it will

guide you to all that is good in recovery (higher power stuff this. Yes, I know, just as

long as I don’t pick up the drugs). See now this is the part where patience and tolerance

comes in. There are no time restraints in recovery. Things happen when they happen at

the right time. Tolerance helps you through the trial and error stages of waiting for the

right things to happen. A big plus for me is that patience and tolerance have even helped

me in controlling my temper (I lose it once in awhile, luckily not to often with no drastic

outcomes. Thank goodness), I’m only human and I am allowed to get cross every now

and then, just like straight people do (remember you are the non-addict). Marvelous thing

this recovery as it allows me to go under cover in society and act and behave and be a

productive member of society. Mission accomplished, only if I don’t pick up the drugs,

cause then I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb, again (no thanks, this non-destructive

and manageable life I have now is better than any drug). Living by spiritual principles

means I don’t have to go under cover in society as this is one of the reasons for me

writing this book, as hopefully by now you have a better understanding to addiction and

the addict, if you reading this as a straight person. Us addicts do not have to hide away or

live as a recluse. We have a function in society and we will fulfull it. The opportunity is

all we ask for, when we are ready!

Recovery is a personal thing and often referred to as selfish. This selfish ability is not to

hurt others but to protect yourself from active addiction. I can’t do recovery for you. Only

you can do it for yourself and only if you are prepared to. As are the principles in active

addiction the same for all addicts, so are the principles the same for the recovering addict.

Recovery is not the same for all addicts but the principles do apply just as long as you

put down the drugs and don’t pick up, no matter what! Once you have achieved this

then the sky is the limit.

We all have limitations, straight people included. And let me be the first to tell you that

our limitations are not obstacles. The simplest way for me to explain it is as follows: I

can’t drive an eighteen wheeler truck but that does not stop me from driving my car. I

can’t fly an aeroplane but I can still fly to Cape Town. I may not be the best looking boy

in town but I can still get a girlfriend, get the message. There are only two things I can’t

do (actually three), that which I haven’t tried and that which does not interest me (and

stick my elbow in my ear). What I’m trying to say is that everybody has a purpose or a

role to play in life. Which is why we are all different. The only common bond we have is

31

the interests and beliefs we share. I am me and you are you. I do what I do and you do

what you do. If no-one gets hurt then we get on. That’s where respect for each other

come in. Respect yourself first then I know you’ll have respect for me. And I promise not

to judge you so then you’ll not judge me, then we’ll get on. Know yourself first then

you’ll give yourself the time to know me and vice versa, then we’ll get on. Love yourself

and you’ll have love for me and vice versa, then we’ll get on. I am better than no-one and

no-one is better than me, we are all included in the scheme of things on an equal level,

but the functions we perform are different so as to make the scheme of things work for

the benefit of all. There are more important things to worry about in this world, like

trying to make things work for you in life so that we all win, so don’t pay attention to the

trivial or meaningless things in recovery as they have no bearing on your life. If you do

you’ll become what is known as a “dry addict”, life is the same as in active addiction

with addict behaviour. The only difference is your not using. You have no recovery,

why? It’s your frame of mind that needs working on first. Why do you think of yourself

as worthless? Why are you carrying resentments? Why do you think you don’t deserve

recovery? Why have you become so complacent? Why do you think life is so terrible?

Why? Why? Why? Could it be that recovery is not working for you because you are not

working recovery? I can’t answer that for you, wish I could (typical addict bahaviour it’s

easier not to do it than to do it). You have the answers in you, find them and live. Others

are, so why not you too. Complacency is a killer in recovery as it opens you up to addict

thoughts and behaviours. Complacency occurs when you think you have recovery waxed,

till it bites you on the arse and you wake up after a relapse and ask how did that happen?

Patience and tolerance, do what is required of yourself (you owe it to you and no-one

else) and keep on trying. We all falter, as we are, again, only human. Everybody makes

mistakes as there are lessons to be learnt why. The only real mistake is not to try and it’s

sad, you are missing out on so much that life has to offer. You’ll miss the opportunity if

you don’t wake up to it. Recovery offers all that you have asked for and aides you in

identifying the opportunities as they arrive, so why pass on them, when all you are doing

is passing them on and denying yourself (it’s silly and does not make sense to me).

Recovery is personal and selfish and as I said before I can’t do it for you.

You will only be helped if you are prepared to help yourself and that’s the truth (I am

very passionate about recovery as it really is a gift and one that is available for all addicts

looking to be “cured” from drug addiction). You’ve served the master long enough. Now

it’s time to serve yourself. Don’t let your past dictate your future. You’ve learnt your

lesson so don’t live in the past. It’s not healthy! Life is meant to be enjoyed, not feared.

Fears manifest and so does joy. I choose joy! Which do you choose? (clue: fear kept us in

active addiction and it wasn’t very pleasant, remember?) The only thing we are assured

of in life is that the sun will rise to the setting moon. Recovery offers us the opportunity

to make hay while the sun shines (I was just as philosophical in active addiction as what I

am in this book. My friends will vouch for this because of the most profound things I

would say. I remember one afternoon “in a higher state of mind” watching an

international cricket game against South Africa. There were two tv’s on and both

showing the same game, but there was a delay between them. Each connected to a

different decoder and this puzzled me or a while. Then genius here figured it out. One

was analogue and the other was satellite. The genius part is that the analogue signal is

32

one bounce and the satellite signal was a double bounce thus causing the delay. When I

explained I got blank stares. Made sense to me. Use it, don’t use).

Addiction cannot be cured. It can only be controlled, which is why our approach to

recovery should be of a positive nature. We have nothing to lose (we’ve lost it already)

and all the more to gain. That which we have lost materially is gone, never to come back.

Not a bad thing as they are replaced with the new and better as this is what recovery

offers us, a new slate, new beginnings and the opportunity to set things right with

ourselves first then others. In active addiction we destroyed relationships with family and

friends and just as we need healing so do these relationships too and when the time is

right we can make amends where ever possible (time heals all wounds). Harbouring

grudges and carrying resentments will only stunt your growth, which is why we heal

ourselves first to make everything all possible. This is not to say that we should avoid

problems, deal with them as they arise and get them out of the way in order to move

forward. If things bother you or if you are not to sure about things then express yourself

and don’t bottle up. It is not healthy. Learn to speak your mind and express your feelings

find solutions you’ll be astonished by the therapeutic healing it brings on. Force yourself

to open up to healing and never be ashamed of what comes out. I take my recovery very

seriously even if I’m sick. I don’t take medication which contain mood or mind altering

substances, so be honest with your doctor that you are a recovering drug addict and he

will medicate you with safe medicines. There are no reasons for relapses! Only excuses!

33

Chapter 6

The tools

I use the tools with purpose and meaning

Undoing the burdens on me so bearing

Lightening the load

On this clear road

A journey on which to embark

In the sun, not the dark

In faith and hope

Not drugs and dope

34

Surrender your will

We’ve discovered how easy this is, so while we’re in this frame of mind give to a power

greater than ourselves. Enough said on this.

Higher power

Any power greater than ourselves with our best interests and for our own good. This

higher power i choose to call god. A god of my own understanding as he has expressed

himself to me. I’ve come to know him as a loving and understanding god and i hope you

do to!

Faith and hope

On which recovery is based. These two go hand in hand as without one, the other has no

purpose. It instills a sense of knowing that everything will be okay in time to come. In

faith and hope our mind set is imbedded on recovery creating the mental awareness

needed for recovery to happen and to start the healing process.

Patience and tolerance

Patience and tolerance is what has to be applied to all aspects of recovery. From dealing

with problems to identifying emotions. Being persistant in getting our lives back on track

to finding employment. By employment I don’t mean getting a job, it’s finding a

rewarding and fulfulling career bringing every aspect of success into our lives. Patience

and tolerance teaches us to accept the bad times and the good times as well as trial and

error stages of recovery. Learn the lessons from the bad and enjoy the good (do not

question either unless there are lessons to be learnt and skills to master). We also need to

become patient and tolerant of ourselves and apply it to others. The calming effect is

awesome as we come to know that we are powerless over people, places and things.

Good things come to those who wait!

Powerlessness

This is what we all are and straight people included. We like to think that we have control

but do we really! Just let things be and that will eradicate the domino effect of dominance

and sub-missive behavior. The only things that we can actually control is ourselves and

what happens to us and it stems from choice being in different situations. We learn what

works for us and that which doesn’t. I have met many control freaks, trust yourself so you

can trust others, then that harmonious environment will be created for everyone to benefit

from. The world would be a better place through understanding and motivation instead of

the destruction that comes from trying to control. Keep control for yourself that way you

won’t set yourself up for a fall. We are powerless over our addiction but we control

ourselves not to pick up the drugs. Simple strategy.

35

Program

The twelve step programme for me is the most beneficial one for any recovering addict,

as it puts strategies in place for us that makes our recovery possible as we become

productive members of society. Giving back what we have held back, ourselves and all

that comes with us. So set up a programme that will enrich your life with all that is good

and full of personal growth. Again I say that recovery is not about clean. It’s not the

quantity of clean time that matters but the quality of life living clean and sober. Do you

want to exist or do you want to live? Your choice?

Change

Change everything about you which is associated with addiction and addict behaviour.

Change is possible. Live by your nature and not the nature of your addict (that destructive

tricky little bugger. You know the one). Change your thinking, your outlook on life, your

attitude, your way of doing things. Change yourself into a recovering drug addict and

embrace a life without drugs and alcohol. Very important, change your view of alcohol

and see it as the downfall it brings with it! Change your perceptions and life in this mind

set of change.

Gratitude

Keep a gratitude journal and write in it as often as possible all the things you are truly

grateful of and for no matter how meaningless it may seem. Express and show gratitude

when it is appropriate to. Give thanks and be thankful. There is so much i am grateful for.

I’m grateful for recovery and all that it has done for me. I am grateful for my family and

friends and all the love, help and support they have given me in cleaning up. There have

been some rocky times when I haven’t been the nicest person (yes! I have off days. Part

and parcel of life). I’m grateful for all the opportunities in my life and this book being

one of them. When you think that things aren’t going so well you’ll be grateful for your

gratitude journal as you can reflect on how well things really are! Life is not a bed of

roses but what you make of it, it’s all up to you. I’m grateful for the u-turn that my life

has taken and the direction I am heading.

Courage

Strong as a bear and as brave as a lion (now I’m getting ahead of myself here)! Nothing

as severe as this, but courage enough to face our fears and stand our ground to deal with

all that life deals us. You’ll soon see that things aren’t as bad or as big as what we make

of them. Life waits for no one. Courage gives us the ability to climb back in, not where

we left off but at the point where we choose to fall in again. The past has gone but our

future is there. You are the master of your own destiny and it will only go where you

want it to. You can steer it out of fear or from faith and hope (a sense of knowing). I

choose faith and hope. You?

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Fear

How you see things and how you deal with things. Fear manifests into reality so don’t

entertain it. So many recovering addicts relapse purely out of fear of relapsing. So

focused are they on this fear that it actually happens. Focus on the positive aspects in life

and not the negative. Life is really good and gets better each day. Identify your fears, face

them and embrace them then send them on their way once you have dealt with them.

They have no place to live with you as they hold you back. Release your fears and move

on to discover all that awaits you, if you want it (take it! It’s what you’ve asked for,

haven’t you)? There are two types of fear and we’ve just discussed emotional fear. The

other fear is physical (sorry, can’t help with this one only adrenalin can). It’s called self

preservation, use it!

Let go

Let go of everything that will hold you back. Don’t hang onto things that you yourself

will place in front of you as obstacles. Remember there are no obstacles in recovery only

limitations which we learn to cope with and soon accomplish. In active addiction we had

obstacles which are more difficult to overcome than limitations. We did everything

possible to please the master, didn’t we? And we went out of our way to use didn’t we?

Active addiction is an obstacle in life. A jail sentence if you like and one that is self

imposed. The good part is we are eligible for parole any time we like. So let go of active

addiction and parole yourself and rehabilitate in recovery. Let go of your addict, your

addict behaviour, your using thoughts. Most importantly is to let go of your friends and

places in active addiction. Don’t worry about them, worry about yourself first and

hopefully your recovery will be contagious and they will catch it too once they see the

positive changes in your life. I caught recovery from my sister, who had done all the

rehabs for both of us. It was only when she went to a rehab that offered the twelve step

programme did I really see the change in her. When she left rehab, I went with her to a

twelve step support group meeting and have been clean ever since. She is six weeks

ahead of me in clean time (remember recovery is not about clean time but quality of life

living clean). My dad let go of his gambling addiction to the twelve step programme too,

he is nearing nine years. Recovery works for all addicts irrelavent of the master. We

share the same approach to recovery, I won’t take mind or mood altering medicines when

I’m sick, he doesn’t play lotto (my sister included). To let go is to surrender to help.

Relapse

Banish the thought. Relapse occurs through complacency, boredom, not working

recovery. No reason to relapse, only excuses (I’m hard hey?).

37

Honesty

Be honest with yourself in everything that you do, say, think and be. Then you will be

honest with and to everybody around you watch as you slowly start building up and

regaining trust. That’s all I’m saying! (be yourself not the addict, if you have to fake it till

you make it, then do so)

The Twelve Steps

1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our

lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we

understood him .

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventry of ourselves.

5. We admitted to god, ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our

wrongs.

6. We were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.

7. We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

8. We made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and became willing to make

amends to them all.

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so

would injure them or others.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly

admitted it.

11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with

God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to

carry it out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this

message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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Chapter 7

My recovery

My life destroyed or so I thought

In courage I this battle fought

Desperate and brave to face my fear

Often, shedding a needed tear

I needed this, I had to recover

And I, myself, to re-discover

I endured the hardships and the pain

To fight for my life, Ihad to regain

This went on for quite a while

Often having to fake a smile

I won’t pick up, no matter what

My addict against me trying to plot

This voice eventually in subdue

To my recovery I stuck like glue

I found the life I seeked to require

And all my heart held in desire

My addict I have forgave

As I’m alive and in no grave

A second chance I’ve been given

So have you, if you’re driven?

39

I begin this chapter buy saying that in two weeks time, 26 may 2002, I’ll be eighteen

months clean and sober. This book is a gift to myself, to share with you. The first months

in recovery were hell, but worth it. If I had to go back and do it again then I would do it

gladly as anything is better than active addiction. The grounding lessons learnt in the first

months are what got me to this stage of my life which makes everything possible. Living

life on life’s terms is no bed of roses, make no mistake about that (I’m sure you straight

people would agree?). It’s dealing with everything that life is about whether it be in good

times or bad, it’s about adapting to the situation and getting on with it. In active addiction

we were all to pleased to experience good times, yet when faced by adversity we were no

where to be seen (well physically maybe and that’s about all) as we would escape into

our warped little world back in the corners of our minds thinking it to be a safe place to

hide. Our perception of adversity is a little less severe as the actual. But thinking back to

my time in active addiction every molehill seemed like a mountain (hey cool, more

excuses to use) as all we did were compounding our problems, piling them up one on top

of another. In recovery these problems don’t miraculously disappear (wish they did) but

are the start of our growth by dealing with them. Can’t avoid those dreaded creditors calls

anymore, facing people we so magically avoided, not hiding from family either, being

open and honest with ourselves as to who we really are and what we are going to do to

fix our lives. In grounding ourselves we search for the answers deep within us and allow

our true natures to lead the way in discovering our very essence of who we are (you’ll see

we are pretty damn alright) and finding a sense of purpose in life for what ever reason it

may be. No one’s recovery is exactly the same, only the principles in making it happen.

As you embark on your journey to self discovery as that is what it really is. Your

pessimistic view of life will gradually change to one of optimism (remember negativity

has no place in recovery- big lessons to be learnt here. Not negativity but complacency or

fear of facing your problems and not being grateful). In recovery there’s bitter pills to

swallow. Take them as they are vitally important for your growth as they prevent us from

returning to active addiction (think of them as vitamins). Even as I write this book I still

have to take that bitter pill every once in a while. Life is what you make of it. You can

choose to live in it or you can choose to exist in it. I choose to live and with choices there

are consequences, be they good or bad I have to accept them as they came with my

choices and cannot blame or give credit to anybody else other than myself. From bad

comes good as we learn to see what works for us and that which doesn’t. Anything that

prevents us from returning to active addiction irrespective of the consequences is part of

our growth process. It is said that our maturity growing stages are stunted in active

addiction, so lets say you were twenty when in active addiction and kicked the habit at

age twenty seven, then you would be a twenty seven year old with the maturity levels of a

twenty year old. Please don’t be hard on you if you compare yourself with straight people

of the same age, they’ve gone through all the head bump growing stages you are just

starting on (you’ve only prolonged these stages that’s all. We catch up quickly if you

hang in there).

Now, for my recovery! My addiction to mind and mood altering substances (steroids,

drugs and alcohol) was nine years. Not consecutively though, as the first three years of

my marriage I behaved myself only having an occasional drink at socials, no drugs or

steroids at all.

40

If I could go back in time and change things, would I? No! Not a thing because I would

not be the person that i am now. I have learnt so much and my personal and spiritual

growth has bloomed through all the lessons I’ve learnt (and still learning daily). Some

simple and some hard but worth it. Combining active addiction with recovery in regard to

lessons that I’ve learnt has empowered me with so much wisdom and knowledge that I’m

sure I would not have discovered elsewhere had my life had taken a different path. Not

easy to explain this but I just know it so please trust me on this. Speak to any other

recovering addict and you’ll be told the same. The lessons I have learnt we’ve discussed

in chapter 6 under the tools and by applying them in life we see that we can overcome

all.

I came into recovery with the right mind set, no matter what I won’t pick-up, I’ll do

whatever it takes to fight this and I will triumph (try with umph). They say that Africa is

not for sissies and neither is recovery and as I said before recovery is not for the chosen

few but for those who choose it! This chapter is about relationships as everything in life

is relative. Recovery for me is having a relationship with life and all it’s ups and downs,

disappointments, good times and bad, happy times and sad, things working out or not etc.

Before we can have a relationship with life we have to have a relationship with ourselves

first, as this will determine your relative life or existence in life’s journey. I am to have a

fulfilled, prosperous, happy and successful life. I will not deprive myself of all that active

addiction took away from me (with my permission), I broke it so I must fix. I can’t be

anybody other than myself (there is no one else qualified for the job. I asked but no one

applied), and it was myself I discovered in recovery. Not a new and improved version or

an upgraded model, nor some body brand new. The myself I discovered was me, the

person I have always been, the same person I had neglected by destroying this

relationship with myself. There was no way I could function in life living and being in

this state. Early in recovery while getting re-acquainted with Jason I was shocked at what

I had become (not me, I must have an evil twin somewhere), a purposeless human being

(I fooled a lot of people in active addiction as I was ashamed of them finding out the truth

about me). It took a long time for me to admit to myself that I was an addict. Even when I

admitted to myself that I was an addict I still couldn’t clean up. I battled for the last year

in active addiction to quit the drugs by myself. I would last a couple of weeks then

relapse, not realising then that alcohol kept on tripping me up (pardon the punn), I drank

more and drugged less, then I would binge and then the cycle would start all over again.

When I was drunk I new alcohol wasn’t what I was really looking for and this was my

road to relapse every time. Being drunk and fighting the cravings made me quite

aggressive at times, luckily not getting physical bar one little incident at my local

watering hole. I merely helped out the one waiter who was having a hard time with one of

the patrons. My message to you, if you want to clean up say no to alcohol too. We cannot

drink, it bites us and defeats us and becomes a cross addiction leading to relapses, ask any

successful recovering addict. By successful I mean not using!

I said in the beginning of the book that recovery held two meanings for me. Firstly that I

would clean up and get better and secondly to recover all that active addiction had taken

from me. These two meanings have bearing on my life everyday. I have daily healing and

41

with this healing comes gifts and rewards, a lot of which straight people take for granted

and it is there perogative to do so. Another way for me to define the second meaning of

recovery is reclaiming and these are where the gifts and rewards come in, not just

materially but non-materially as well (probably the most important and beneficial to the

recovering addict as without them we have nothing). The material things you have lost,

are gone. Never to return yet they can be replaced. Financially, emotionally

materialisticly I was ruined. As I write this book I am still to pay off a lot of debts. Rome

was not built in a day nor did active addiction happen overnight, my debts will be paid up

with time as does recovery happen in time. I thank my family and friends for all their

help and support in me getting this far (one of the rewards of recovery is healing

relationships that active addiction destroyed). A big thank you to my parents who

supported me unconditionally through all the lies and deceit and my wrong doings. Mom

and dad I am blessed to have you as parents and one day I’ll be able to make it up to you

in whatever ways possible and am truly grateful for all you have done for me. My mom is

a woman of substance and has endured a lot of hardship and pain, she has put up with

three addicts (my dad a gambler, my sister addicted to over the counter medication and

me) and never once turned her back on us as she was always there to help us out. To my

dad a big thank you too for showing me that recovery is possible irrespective of which

master we serve. I saw how faith and hope in a higher power worked in his life and the

benefits there of. Mom and you have a right to walk around with your heads held high.

Thank you. A big thanks to my sister too who went to all the rehabs for me.

Here in one family you can see that the twelve step program really and truly works and is

the key to a fulfilled life, free from active addiction. There are so many people who I

need to thank which I will do face to face when the time is right. The most important

person I need to thank and appologise to is my daughter Jayde. She taught me the true

meaning of unconditional love. A better daughter no one could wish for. With her living

in Ireland for the last few years shielded her from seeing me at my worst. I love her and

miss her terribly and don’t get to speak to her as often as I’d like but she is always in my

heart and thoughts. I only get to see her once a year and it’s hard on me as I think about

the most important years of her life that I’m missing out on. Recovery helps me to cope

with this situation with my daughter and I’m comforted to know that for that one month a

year I still get to see her and have treasured memories of our times together. We have

many years ahead of us and this is even reason enough for me to stay clean so I can enjoy

the experiences of our brief times together. Jayde, I love and miss you booboo, daddy!

In having a personal relationship with myself I have rekindled all my feelings, emotions,

thoughts, ideas, wants, needs, dreams, hopes, desires, goals, successes now and future,

coping and life skills enabling me to live life on life’s terms and to have a healthy

relationship with myself, life and everybody else. This was only made possible by

putting down the drugs and taking the time in getting to know me. During this time I

discovered me and everything about me. How I think, what works for me and what

doesn’t, who I am and what I am, self forgiveness and self love. Life is good and gets

better everyday! Recover to discover yourself! Have a relationship with life and

everybody benefits! My relationship with myself and life is as it should be and accepting

all the terms and conditions that apply, not letting my past dictate my future, not blaming

42

others for my downfalls and shortcomings, not letting emotional fear deciding for me,

using courage to take the steps forward to finding happiness, prosperity, success and

fulfillment. Taking responsibility for my life and being the best that I can be and

consciously search for the gifts and rewards that there are for me, and I know that they

only come with effort. We reap what we sow, don’t we?

Today I am here through choice. I chose to recover by choosing to put down the drugs

and accepting I will not use mind or mood altering substances and that I am an addict.

This is a daily ritual and affirmation. I found affirmations to be extremely valuable in my

recovery and I know they’ll work for you to. This is one of the ways we re-programme

our minds.

3x just for today I will not use

3x I have purpose in life

3x I am happy and successful in aspects of my life

3x I can do anything I put my mind to

Write each one on a separate piece of paper and say them to yourself three times a day.

When you wake up, in the afternoon and when you go to bed. Say each one three times.

There is a reason for saying each one three times as it imbeds it in your sub-conscious

mind. First time mind goes sure I’ve heard it before (sarcastically), second time it says

wait a moment you might be serious, third time it tells the subconscious to make a note of

it and guide you to it. Do it, for twenty one days and see for yourself. It doesn’t have to

be these affirmations, you can use your own. Always affirm in the positive using positive

statements and make them short, sweet and to the point. Affirm starting with I am or I

can are powerful affirmations. Write them down and read them as it adds to the

effectiveness of your affirmations. Think it! Believe it! Become it!

Get involved in exercise of some sort, whether it be running, cycling or gym, whatever

tickles your fancy do it. We owe this to ourselves. Healthy mind and a healthy body plus

it keep’s us sane. My body is another reward which I’m getting back. I accept I’ll never

get to a lean 96kg’s clean from steroids as my genetic structure won’t allow it but I’ll get

to 80kg’s and be equally happy. I have experienced the health benefits of recovery and

training, during active addiction my pancreas was playing up and instead of quitting the

drugs, I quit sugar and foods high in glucose (pretty dumb don’t you think)? Over the

past seventeen and a bit months my pancreas has stabilised and my sugar levels are

normal now. See that’s the thing with steroid abuse, the problems only surface later in

life. Don’t do it! Get cracking and get training and enjoy the natural release of

endorphins.

Now, we are not designed to live life alone! Which is why we have relationships with

other people too, whether it be with family, friends, loved one’s or work colleagues etc.

There are people we get on with and people that we don’t, people we like and people we

dislike, people who inspire us and people who simply drain us. There are all types of

people that we encounter on our life’s path so we all need to co-exist. This is possible by

applying principles before personalities. I have asked for us not to be judged in this book

so therefore in return we should not judge others (this applies to everyone. Addicts and

straight people combined). Everyone has their own life to live and we can’t live it for

43

them. We are powerless over people, places and things. People make their own decisions

and choices in life for the purpose of growth along life’s journey. Often our paths cross

and if things work out, we like to take the credit for it, and if things don’t turn out as we

would have liked to then it is all to easy to blame everybody else. Everyone has a part to

play so play it to the best of your ability and accept the responsibilities which are part of

it. It is impossible to please everybody all the time, this is a fact of life, just do the best

you can and be honest with yourself. The wheel of life turns continuously and it’s not our

responsibility to be the downfall of others. Do others wrong and wrong will be done unto

you (you get the picture). We need to create healthy and harmonious relationships to co-

exist, only possible by putting principles before personalities which comes from

understanding other peoples view points which is determined by there frame of mind. If

people act irrationally maybe it’s because they are going through tough times. With

understanding comes compassion and we soon realise that we have no right to judge

others. We only judge others by our own standards so again what works for one doesn’t

count for someone else. Who’s to say we were right in the first place. It’s in our personal

approach and understanding that determines our actions and reactions along life’s

journey.

Recovery is a selfish programme so as to avoid relapses and to live life on life’s terms but

this doesn’t make us stingy people otherwise we could not be productive members of

society. We give back what we have received in order to receive so as to give back. I

have healthy relationships in my life today and when I meet people I give them and

myself the time to understand and know the person. So often we are told by others that so

and so is like this. And when we meet that very person we discover they are like that.

Totally contradictory to what we were told. Because you don’t get on with that person

doesn’t mean that I won’t either. I prefer to make my own decisions thank you. I can get

on with just about everybody and so can you which means we’ll get on too. Today I get

along with a lot of my using friends and we have mutual respect and understanding. I

don’t see them often (for obvious reasons) but when we do get together I make sure it’s a

safe environment which they understand and hopefully one day they’ll join me in

recovery. I have very special relationships in my life, which I am blessed to have. From

family to friends and even ex-girlfriends and I thank you all for the lessons I’ve learnt.

I look at the relationship I have with my parents (yes 33 years old and living with mom

and dad since my divorce, not for to much longer, I’ll be on my feet soonest, another

reward of recovery), after all I’ve put them through they are still there for me. The trust

has been re-established and has become the foundation to our bond. We have our

differences every now and then. Soon I’ll be able to do for them what they have done for

me. We have a good understanding with a lot of love and respect. Two very special

human beings with strong characters and deeply rooted in principles and morals which I

have received from them and applied to my life. Mom and dad I may not show it as best I

can but I am grateful for all you’ve done for me in depriving yourselves so I can have.

Thank you and I love you. You guys are the best.

The relationship with my sister is strong and with us going through recovery together has

strengthened our ties. Even in active addiction we were close even though we used to

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take advantage of each other with emotional blackmail. Between my mom and my

brother-in-law they could write a best seller on coping and living with addicts. Just goes

to show what can be accomplished out of love, understanding and compassion.

In their sixteen years of marriage my sister was an addict for thirteen and my brother-in-

law never left her side and living with faith and hope that one day she’ll get better. And

she did and her relationship with her daughter has blossomed and grown. My mom,

having the same devotion to my dad, aided in his recovery too, all from understanding

addiction and the addict. There is a support group too for the family of addicts.

The relationship I have with my niece is like a big brother. She calls me Jason not uncle

and I wouldn’t have it any other way and in her eyes I can do no wrong. In my daughters

eyes I can do no wrong too and we have an incredibly strong father-daughter bond. An

amazing little girl.

Then I have a deep rooted friendship with my buddy Robin. It’s more than a friendship,

he’s the brother I never had and has always been there for me through thick and thin and

me there for him. I have brother-sister relationship with his sister Dalene and his mom

Vicky is like a mother to me too. Being so close they also felt the pinch of my active

addiction. Thank you to the Millers. Robin and my friendship started in high school in

1986 and we’ve been close ever since, my partner in “crime” and womanising. I have

many special friends in my life and I treasure our friendships especially Alan, his wife

Candice and Melanie, including you Miss-B to name but a few. Lots of lessons learnt

here in how true friendships work. And the friendships i have made with the people i

grew up with and went to school with most of which i till contact with today. Then there

are friends from active addiction who are genuinely good people and who’s names i

choose not to say. They know who they are

Now I come to my intimate relationships starting with my ex-wife, Brenda. Let me start

off by saying that I love short woman with dark hair and strong bodies. Abs and calves

are my weakness, turns me into putty (my mom says I’m not shallow but deeply shallow.

I have always been fortunate enough to date very attractive woman. Before I was married

steady relationships were not for me and again I appologise if I hurt any of you. Back to

Brenda who was a provincial gymnast so already she scored bonus points. The physical

attraction is always the initial attraction, once we get to know the person do we find out if

there is a future or not. When I first met Brenda she was timid and very shy and we

clicked. Slowly she started coming out of her shell as things started to progress. I got on

well with far family and her with mine. Over time we thought we were ready for

marriage (I had to stop the coke first, which I did and her family and mine had no idea of)

and tied the knot. I knew that she was insecure and possessively jealous and I thought

that they would go when we got married. I tried my best for her not to have any reason to

feel these emotions, and this was the start of our problems, instead of us being able to

work through them, all I did was accommodate her insecurities and gave them room to

grow. She found a good career and I got involved with the family business with my in-

laws, her mom and stepfather. I had a good relationship with both her father and

stepfather. Her dad lives in Johannesburg and her mom and stepfather in Cape Town.

Within the business they ran it from Cape Town I looked after the Gauteng region. We

manufactured and marketed cosmetics which were skin treatments from a doctor from

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London. It took off very well and there was lots of money to be made. Brenda, Jayde and

myself had everything. There were still parts of our marriage that needed attention and to

the outside world we seemed to be the perfect couple. All marriages have problems I

know, we just couldn’t get past her insecurities and jealousies, and I accept my

responsibilities for the marriage not working. We really did try to make it work. The

financial partner in the business crippled us and skipped the country, during the same

time myself and brother-in-law were trying to set up a business in America to market our

products there. We had sold everything we had and were ready to go. We pulled out of

the American deal weeks before it was to happen because we did not trust our partners

who were setting the American market up for us. To cut a long story short we were in

dire straights and had lost everything. Our marriage collapsed and there was nothing to

salvage, eventually Brenda and myself merely existed in the marriage. The last year was

traumatic for us and the drugs started to come back into my life. At first just ecstacy and

after the divorce I went off the rails. The divorce gave me excuses to use again and it

wasn’t long before I found the coke again and everything else, all within about eight

months of the divorce and I simply gave up. This lasted just over four years. The pain of

the divorce was unbearable, and I swore to myself that I would never go through or feel

that pain again, nor would I inflict it on anybody else. This would be immensely cruel

and heartless of me. I have no regrets about my marriage and Brenda and myself are good

friends today and I hold nothing against her. We had many good times together and

shared a lot of common interests. We both had a passion for motorbikes and we each had

a superbike. One experience I’ll never forget was when myself, Brenda and the rest of her

family (who also had bikes) all went to the buffalo rally together. An incredible weekend.

It’s strange how people come into your life at just the right time. Here I will introduce

you to three other woman who had a strong impact on my life and for the lessons each

one taught me. I’ll refer to them by the nicknames I gave them. They are Bunny, Fudgie

and Ross. The lessons I learnt from Bunny is that it is possible to love again and one must

not fear taking that chance in finding love (which brings to mind the saying it is better to

have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all). Being a Libran, I admire beautiful

things and am a hopeless romantic. I met bunny a few months after the divorce and I

wooed with flowers and poetry till she agreed to have supper with me and we hit it off

pretty well. She had just come out of a ten year relationship and she also learnt that life

with someone else is possible (didn’t have to be with me but with anybody whom she

wanted to) and we helped each other to get over the hurts and pains of our previous

relationships as best we could. At supper she told me that she had gone or an interview to

work in Dubai and did not want to get involved or hurt me. She got the job and we shared

an amazing few months together before she left. She knew about my using as we had met

in a club. We got on very well and I have some memorable times with her, eventually the

time had come for her to leave and she was off to Dubai for two years. I was devastated

at first but knew the drugs would sort me out. We kept in contact all the time and not

realising that the drugs were giving me a false sense of love. I was more in love with the

idea of being in love than I was in love with her. She hated Dubai and returned after six

months by which time I had gone through my grieving period with not a scar thanks to

the drugs. When she got back she told me she needed time and space and that was that. I

moved on and never pursued her as I was with my true love being the drugs. Bunny is a

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beautiful girl and a beautiful person, she is extremely motivated and driven and if we

were to have had a relationship when she returned from Dubai I would’ve held her back

from achieving her goals and ambitions. She deserved more than that I thank her for the

brief period in my life and for all she did for me. We bump into each other now and then

I’m glad to see how successful she is and is getting married at the end of the year.

Congrats Bunny and may you find all the very best that life has to offer.

The time period between Bunny and Fudgie was over a year and no relationships in

between other than with the drugs. Having a weakness for abs and calves I also find

maturity in a woman an extreme turn on and have gone out with some older woman in

the past. Hence, one of my attractions to Fudgie. I had known Fudgie in the past (before

the drugs during my little steroid binges) as we had a few common friends in the social

circles that we mixed in. One guy that she dated is still one of my best friends today. She

was a dancer (now get your minds out of the gutter, not a stripper but danced in

productions) so imagine the legs and abs on this girl. We bumped into each other one

night and rekindled our friendship. By this time I was trying my best to clean up and

relapsing all the time. She was very anti-drugs and I thought that if I got involved with

her then I would succeed in kicking the drugs, she had no idea about my addiction as I

could hide it well. Make no mistake, I was no idiot during active addiction and my mind

was sharp, just that my addicts mind was sharper, anyhow she was attracted to my

intellect and knowledge of the human mind, I have always been quite philosophical, I had

all the knowledge and wisdom of the human mind but was not strong enough to kick the

habit totally. The mind and body has always fascinated me and I read books on anatomy

and mind power often, also from training and cycling I had extensive knowledge of how

the body functions and how easily it can be manipulated. I’m going off on a tangent here

so coming back to Fudgie. She was a very bitter and angry person from being hurt from

relationships. I helped her work on this by changing her mind set and re-programming it

(affirmations work) and indirectly working on myself. I always knew that I would clean

up one day only never knew when. In working with Fudgie she was working with me as I

could see the changes in her. I still believed it would take a relationship to do the trick. I

pursued her and chased her thinking that she was my lifeline, things started progressing

between us and I was so desperate to clean up and I thought this is it. Thinking back as I

write this our relationship would never have worked and I confused our physical

relationship with that of a steady one. Neither of us were ready and an addict is incapable

of having a healthy relationship. We would have ended up hating each other, in writing

this I put principles before personalities in order for me to be honest. From Fudgie I

learnt a lot and most importantly that it would take me to clean up and no one else. Also

that self preservation is only applicable after the relationship is over and not during and to

be yourself so as the other person gets to know you completely so they can see you for

who and what you are. If you hide yourself in relationships they will never work. Today

Fudgie and myself are best of friends and am proud of her as to how far she has come.

She is also finding her spiritual path in life and is growing in leaps and bounds. She still

doubts herself every once in awhile, don’t we all? She has lost the anger side to her and

replaced it with a positive outlook on life and facing and dealing with her issues to

finding serenity. Well done Fudgie and thanks for your friendship. A stunning person

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with lots of potential to really make it in life (of which I have no doubt she will) and has a

lot to offer. All the best to you Fudgie in the future!

The points I’m making with these relationship stories is that only I could clean up for my

myself and no one else could get me to clean up as I thought. By the same token nobody

could make me relapse other than my self if it had to have happened, so let me continue

and tell you about Ross.

I was ten months into recovery and things were finally starting to take shape in my life. I

was working and my parents had helped me to by a car in their name, my mind focused

and I knew what I wanted out of life and with patience, tolerance, hope and faith I would

achieve it. I also knew exactly what attributes I was looking for in a girlfriend and I was

not prepared to get involved with someone for the hell of it, because I was lonely (yes

recovery can be lonely but you are not alone), also it would not be fair on the other

person. Ross and myself have a bit of history together which dates back to my cycling

days. She was this cute and spunky little beautician who used to wax my body and helped

me with my steroid induced acne problem (my back was bad, thanks Ross). She was also

very married which I respected. I would tease her and chat her up and she would put me

in my place time and time again. Very sharp this beautician is. A very honest and straight

forward friendship developed over the years and we got to know each other for who we

were. To cut along story short she got divorced then met someone else and moved to the

country while I had got married. During this time we had bumped into each other once

and it was like we had never lost touch. Years later and my tenth month of recovery she

bumped into my sister and asked me to give her a call. We met for coffee and she was

shocked at the sight before her and I could see it in her face (she should’ve seen me when

I started recovery, that would’ve been a shocker). With us always having an honest and

straight forward relationship I knew I didn’t have to hide anything from her and told her

about my drug addiction. We chatted for hours and reminist over the past and played

catch up. She hadn’t changed and got better with age. Coffee became supper and I was

smitten with her all over again. Within the first half an hour I knew that Ross was all I

was looking for and so much more. I behaved myself that night because I wanted to be

sure about this. We went to movies during that week and by the Saturday I knew, Ross is

the one and I sensed that she was developing feelings for me too. In that week we played

mind games feeling each other out. We connected on all levels and as our relationship

developed we agreed to take things slowly and see where it would lead us. She had been

hurt a few times in the past and did not want to repeat the same mistakes again. Recovery

had helped me deal with and overcome my issues in life and to let things happen

naturally, I was ready for this. Ross had a few reservations about us, one being that she is

five years older than me and thinking that one day I’ll look for someone younger which

had happened to women that she knew of. This would never happen as she was exactly

what I was looking for in a woman in every conceivable way and to fill her shoes would

take someone not of this earth. Two months into our relationship her self preservation

kicked in when she thought things were happening to quick and she did not want to open

herself up to being hurt and put the brakes on. Around this time my grandmother passed

away. This was tough on me but I stuck to my guns and did not relapse as now I had

plenty of using excuses. Two weeks later my grandfather passed away and instead of

using I stopped smoking (the mind is an incredibly strong tool if you apply it). At the

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time of my grandfather’s passing Ross and I agreed to be friends as the friendship was far

more worth saving than the relationship. Wasn’t long before we were back together. We

had tried to put boundaries and restrictions on us but they did not work, the universe had

other ideas for us. The bond that I had with her daughter and son was awesome and really

enjoyed our times together. I would fetch them from school every second Friday and the

afternoon would be our time. For Ross and myself to be able to make it meant that we all

had to get on with each other (myself and her children, as she put it, it was a package deal

and one that I gladly accepted as this is what I was looking for. We all got on well and I

missed being a dad). Ross and my relationship grew and progressed then took a wrong

turn somewhere with us putting so much pressure on each other that we “lost the plot” to

make it work. No relationship has a chance when either party applies pressure, let alone

both. We would listen to each other and not hear what the other one was saying and I

accept full responsibility for my part. Eventually Ross applied the brakes again when her

sense of self preservation kicked once more. We had the makings of a life long

commitment. The details of the failings are not important but it is a bitter pill to swallow

when someone you love in entirety walks out on you. Here was the woman of my dreams

who I had envisioned growing old and living a fulfilled life with, now gone. I know the

mistakes I made and I can’t go back into the past to correct them but I have grown from

them and life goes on. Ross, thank you for believing in me and encouraging me to write

this book for it’s been in my head for so long, and finally, here it is. We had opportunities

to make it work and I realise that we needed this time apart to deal with ourselves and

grow from this. From you I have learnt a lot. Thanks for being you and for your love and

support. From the relationship I learnt that it progresses at it’s own pace and no matter

what we do the progression is natural and we tried to go with the flow. My self

preservation kicked in afterwards and Ross’s during our time together. Relationships do

not work under pressure and we were unfair to each other, which brought us down. Being

powerless over people means we cannot force someone to do things against their will as

they need to make conscious decisions for themselves. The last few weeks have been

great and thanks for your understanding. You are a stunning, intelligent and amazing

person (not to mention extremely sexy), we have some very deep conversations which I

still enjoy and am glad that we have no regrets. My feelings for you have not changed

and you still rock my world Ross! I’ll never forget you.

As you can see by living life on life’s terms does not constitute a relapse. Relapses are

self inflicted by not taking responsibility for our own actions. My grandparents passed

away who were always there for me and I suffered a great loss along with the rest of my

family, I went through some rocky stages with Ross but my life is just as important as

everyone else’s. I’m not “captain recovery”, I’m just committed. With what Ross and

myself went through towards the end I was frustrated with myself and thought I could

have one cigarette and I’ll be fine. Nope. Still trying to quit again which I’ll get to in

chapter eight. Stay focused and committed and all is possible. They say we should avoid

intimate relationships in the first year as we are still trying to heal the relationship with

ourselves. My most important relationship is the one with my higher power who has

made this all possible. I have seen how having a personal relationship has changed my

life and the lives of all recovering addicts. Within time you will come to know this too!

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To my grandparents, Pat and Ernie, who have been an inspiration to me all my life.

Thank you. Rest in peace.

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Chapter 8

You

Stop the using, I know you can

I urge everyone, woman and man

Just for today I will not drug

On addiction I pull the plug

Do it and you’ll find

A serene peace of mind

As you recover

Yourself to discover

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Welcome to your recovery. This chapter is devoted to you, to make the decision by

admitting who you are and what you intend to do about it. I know it was not easy but well

worth the journey to self discovery. Addicts come and go as do dealers but the drugs will

always be. If you, the reader have never taken drugs then leave it at that and pat yourself

on the back. If you have been thinking of trying it? Please don’t! For some of us

fortunate one’s it’s a long and bumpy uphill climb back, a journey that many people

never had the privilage of accomplishing or finding. For the addict reading this book,

there is hope if you choose to recover. Do it and do it now. Tomorrow may never come.

To the straight person I hope you found this book to be informative and to better

understand addiction and the addict. Maybe even you managed to apply some of what

you read and understood to your life. What you have read are my thoughts and my own

personal philosophies on life which have helped me to get this far.

My family have been kind by letting me include their testimonies on condition that I give

to you the poems which I wrote for them as they hope it will inspire you as much as it did

them. So thank you to my dad (Albie), sister (Jodie) and couson (Kerryn). Living proof in

one family that it is possible and being done. I’m not an unreasonable person and am

willing to do this with you, the reader. I saw how easy it was to be addicted by lighting

that first cigarette after having quit for two months. So I’ll start, then you?

I, Jason Firmani, admit that I am powerless over my addiction to nicotine. I surrender my

will to my higher power (my god of my understanding) and pray for his will over me and

the knowledge to carry it out. Just for today I will put down the cigarettes and not pick

up. No matter what! This I promise to myself.

Now it’s your turn!

I, , admit that I am powerless over my addiction to

, I surrender my will to , just for today

, I will put down the

, and not pick up no matter what! This I promise

to myself. (do it for twenty one days and see?)

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Jodie

Wonderland

Hang in there my little sis

On your road to bliss

Who am I to point and judge

As you, over obstacles, now trudge

As you’ve seen, addiction does not discriminate

Yet, out of it only the strong will eminate

Through tears of sorrow and joy you’ll cry

When time answers to your question of why

Wonderland is not great

Simply a euphoric mind of state

A vehicle to leave reality

To withdraw in totality

Euphoria your mind to rape

Wonderland your place to escape

Reality is what is now

Endure the pain in appreciation of how

Kicking is half the battle won

Day at a time, no magic wand

Others have, others will, you can

You’re strong, stick to your plan

It is habitual to take

Now, habitual to forsake

Think it! Believe! Become it!

Just about you keep your whit

From out of the depths of despair

Comes your road to repair

Not alone, I to you do say

Be positive and in thanks to pray

As you draw strength from those around

Look for your lifeline it will be found

Listen to their stories and take to heart

Don’t sit one side to be apart

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We are all one and the same

Bonded and joined by guilt and shame

One for all and all for one

To defeat this battle that weighs a ton

Back to back, stand and fight

Kick it hard with all your might

This is poison, me it will kill

Don’t need it, to live I will

Every morning when you awake

These words I give you to take

Today, I will stay clean

Because it is what you mean

Yes, it’s hard I kid you not

But what it takes, you’ve got the lot

Stick around and pray, but do not fear

As humans, our only limitation’s to put our elbows in our ear

Jodie’s story:

As at today I am exactly 19 months clean and sober. I started my recovery in a rehab

because I never felt that I was capable enough of doing this recovery thing alone. In

rehab I was introduced to the 12 steps. My story starts about thirteen years ago when my

daughter was only around 1 and a half years old at the time. I had sinus problems and my

darling doctor told me to use sinutabs (the pink and white ones with codeine), for pain.

He said this was cheaper than getting script after script filled off my medical aid. I took

these for a good couple of months and then decided to have the sinus problem corrected

by having a nose operation. Up till now I had realised that these tablets took away the

pain and also at the same time made me feel really good. After the operation I remember

thinking well surely now I don’t need these tablets my operation is now done. I was only

home 24 hours and I felt that over whelming need to take a sinutab. Why did I feel this

way? It made no sense to me at all. Little did I know that I was well and truly physically

and mentally addicted to these tablets already. My mother went to my doctor and told

him that she suspected I had a “problem” with these sinutabs. Her chemist had told her

how much I was buying from them. They also suspected something. What did he do

about it? Just gave me more tablets when I saw him next and asked for them and I even

got them on a script to make it cheaper for me. It might even sound like I am blaming

him for my addiction but I am actually not. I just think that I resent him to a certain

degree for having introduced me to these death tablets. This was the start of my

downward spiral to “hell on earth”. I started off on about 2 tablets 3 – 4 times per day.

Soon this wasn’t enough anymore. Within a two year span I was taking a minimum of 8

tablets at a time up to 4 – times per day. My family realised I had a problem by now and

booked me into a government rehab . I was only there for two weeks and then discharged.

I don’t even think that I lasted 2 weeks out of rehab before going back onto my tablets at

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full steam ahead. Another two years went by. By now I couldn’t get through a day or

anything for that matter without my “fix”. I was once again put back into the same

government rehab and this time didn’t even make the two weeks to dry out. I felt so lost

by now that I new I had big trouble but I didn’t know how to cope with it. I was terrified

of the drugs but even more terrified of not having them. I was well and truly hooked.

Years and years of abuse of up to 60 tablets a day started taking its toll on my life. I tried

so many times to stop. Like cutting down, having my husband dispense less to me, hiding

them from myself. You name it I tried it. This all went on until approximately July 1998.

This is when the big trouble hit. You think by now that god it can’t get worse but guess

what it does and in a big big way. I had a very serious accident at work where I almost

died. I was operated on and after that I went through some very intense and painful

occupational and physio therapy on a daily basis for months. I was in pain for 24 /7. Of

course all the doctors were willing to give me anything I wanted because of it. Its around

this time that I discovered “cocktails”. Here I saw that if I mixed all the medication they

were giving me together I could go on a high of note and none of my ailments could

worry me. I was taking sleeping tablets, tranquilisers, sinutabs (as always) and valoids.

You name it and I took it. This went on for at least 6 months and it was in this time that I

started having memory blackouts. Its very scary let me tell you not to remember hours

that you lose out of your life. I had started losing weight after my accident and I wasn’t

well for long time and by now I had lost around 60kg. Around this time I had a nervous

breakdown, and ended up in a 5 star fancy ”mental hospital” for help. Ha ha I was dried

out for a couple of days and then I spent another two weeks there monitored by the

doctors. In this time I was put on a hole lot of new, good, heavy drugs. Wow it was great.

Anti-depressants, tranquilisers, heaviest sleeping tablets available. I was released and

took so many of these tablets mixed that that 30 days worth lasted me just under 7 days. I

was having a ball on all these legal drugs. It was at this time that I pawned all my and my

husbands jewellery worth at least r50 000 for around r5000. I needed cash because i had

certain chemists that would sell anything to me over the counter as long as it was cash.

No script needed. Anything I wanted I got from these chemists. Never a question was

asked as long as I paid cash no one cared. It was just after this that I had a very serious

brain seizure in front of my husband and my daughter. I came too in my bedroom with a

hysterical daughter, a terrified husband, and a very distraught mom and dad as well as a

room full of paramedics that had me hooked up to every machine they had. I spent the

night in hospital. I also never thanked my husband for saving my life as I thought when I

came too that he was trying to have me taken away against my will. I didn’t realise what

had happened to me so I just got paranoia and screamed at him like a raving lunatic

instead of thanking him. Of course this did not stop me. It was business as usual the very

next day as I got home. My husband tried locking up all my “stash” as he called it, in our

safe so that he could monitor what I was taking. Of course I was always to clever for him

and always had a back up plan in case of these “emergencies”, because he had tried to do

this to me many times before. In this period we also went to America on holiday. I took a

good 4 weeks worth of tablets with me. (100 rehypnols, 800 sinutabs, and 150 valods).

We would be away 3 and a half weeks and I did not want to run out. Needless to say I

went on a binge from the moment I hit that aeroplane seat and I finished my tablets

within the first 12 days of my holiday. I landed up in hospital in Kissimmee twice while I

was there with a bladder infection according to them. It turned out that I had a 1cm

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kidney stone in my right kidney and this was only discovered on our return to South

Africa. I could not get anymore tablets in America so I was well and truly out. They do

not sell codeine over the counter in America and no one would give me more than 20 on

a script. My holiday and everyone else’s around me turned into a nightmare. I could not

wait to get home. I was going through withdrawal and I was in pain in a strange country.

I was desperate and very miserable. The best holiday I could ever have wished for was

turning into hell for me – self induced of course. I was on a roller-coaster to hell and I

couldn’t stop it. I had to have surgery to get rid of the kidney stone and now I was even

getting pethadine along with everything else. A couple of months later I ended up in

another rehab. I was in Tara for about 3 months. The longest clean time I had had in

years. I went through hell but it did not stop me. No I only lasted 6 weeks out before I

was back on all my stash. This was now in the July of 2000. When I started up again I hit

the worst period ever in my life. From July 2000 – October 16 2000 I took so many

tablets that how I am still here today is truly a miracle. I was taking:

20 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 2 tranquilisers in the morning

20 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 2 tranquilisers at around 12:30

15 sinutabs, 2 valoids, 1 tranquiliser at around 3:00

30 sinutabs, 6 valoids, 2 tranquilisers at around 5:30

30 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 12 rehypnols at around 10:00

If I could not get rehypnols then I would take anything I could get my hands on. At this

time I was having panic attacks severely. I could not even function in any way as a

normal person. I was aggressive and very hysterical at times. I was blacking out so much

that I was losing 2/3 of my day everyday. Its not like passing out. To others you look like

you are there but it is as if your brain goes to sleep only so when you come around you

are still in the same place but you cannot remember what has happened in that blank

space of time. I started forgetting everything. I couldn’t remember things like numbers,

names, places I had been, or even things I had done. As an example one night my

husband went out to get us take-aways. He was only gone for about an hour. In this short

time I had a blackout. I came around alone and scared. I could not remember where my

husband was and I couldn’t remember his cell phone number to call him and ask him

where he was. He came home to a hysterical wife clueless to her surroundings. This went

on for weeks. My mom and dad were also at their wits end. My dad new about the twelve

step programme at one of the leading private rehabs. He asked me to phone the helpline. I

phoned this help line with a lot of skepticism. I spoke to 2 really great guys. They really

tried to help me but also told me that I couldn’t get well over the phone and I would have

to come to one of the narcotics anonymous meetings to start with the healing. I did not

want to go. I had become very reclusive by now and hated mixing with people. I was

pushed by my family and I went to my first meeting. I cried through the first half of that

meeting, (real dronk verdriet), talking rubbish and gibberish to anyone that would listen.

Then to add insult to injury I blacked out for around 10 minutes and came to not

remembering where I was or how to cope with where I was. I had a panic attack. I was

hysterical, it took 6 members to calm me and get me back to my husband waiting for me

in the car park. I didn’t even know how to get back to him on my own. My daughter at

this time was spending very little time with us at home. She spent most of her time with

my mom and dad. After I had that seizure she was terrified and she wouldn’t come home

too much. My husband did his best to keep her around but I was taking up so much of his

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time he just couldn’t cope with both of us. I can only thank god that my mom and dad

were also there to help give her a sort of “normal” life. It was at this time that I was

persuaded to go into the 12 step rehab. The day that I walked in I walked in a total wreck

of a human being. I went into rehab purely to get out of having to start a new job on the

Monday. I had been for an interview the previous week and had even got the job. When I

got home I didn’t even remember the interview or even the building I had been in. Yet I

still managed to con the person and get the job. Addicts can and are very devious people

when in active addiction. I didn’t really want the job my husband wanted me to get out

and have a life and he thought this job was what I needed. Once again ha ha. So to get out

starting this job I went into rehab on the Sunday. I may have gone in with this attitude but

let me assure you that my attitude did a 360 degree turn in the next 6 weeks. My first 10

days were hell on earth. I was going through a horrific physical as well as mental

withdrawal. They make it look rough on TV but let me assure you that it is 50 times

worse in real life when you are going through it. They had to put me on a special

medication called methadone to wean me in the first few days. If they don’t you can

actually have a heart attack and die, if left to go cold turkey from day one. I thought I was

not so bad because I was “only” on over the counter drugs. Little did I know that I was as

worse off as the heroine addicts and let me tell you it was horrific. There is no distinction

if you are taking street drugs or over the counter. Don’t fool yourself in believing

otherwise. Going through withdrawal in a room with 3 other heroin addicts trust me there

was no distinction. This was like nothing I had ever been through before. I was so angry

with myself for allowing things to come this far. In the second week I started getting

involved in my twelve step program that I was given. I started out with a lot of

skepticism. How could all this writing and talking possible help me and my problem?

How could this “just for today” stuff ever really mean anything to me or make a

difference in my life? All these questions my very much alive addict was battling to cope

with. It didn’t suit my addict. My addict in me wanted to doubt everything. It suited me

to. Boy was I wrong. Once I started and got into the work we had to do I realised that it

was making a huge difference to me. How I felt about myself. For the first time in years I

really had to look at myself. I had to disect every aspect of my life in every way possible.

I answered so many questions in my life. I found out why I was always so self destructive

and I was put on that long road to recovery with the tools I would need to walk that road.

One day at a time really did start to mean something to me. I realised that I had to take

my life and my recovery one second at a tome if necessary and not that no matter what I

could not pick up the drugs. No matter what I had to say no.

“no” to drugs. I realised that one is too many and a thousand will never be enough. I also

had to understand that all addictions go hand in hand and to keep truly on the right road I

had to stay away from all addictive behaviour including not drinking any alcohol. I had

never been any kind of an alcohol drinker but I realised that if I drank alcohol this could

lead me to crave my drugs. By not getting the high I would like to get through

Alcohol would make me crave the drugs of my choice. I realised even though I had never

thought about alcohol I could see how easy it would be to cross-addict to something like

alcohol. I heard how a lot of addicts cross addict very easily and I did not want that to

happen to me. So now I abstain from all mood and mind altering drugs and alcohol. It is

all so complicated and yet also all very simple too. Recovery has never been easy for me.

I really have taken each day as it has come to me, got through it and sometimes even

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enjoyed it. I still live with a lot of the consequences of my addiction. There are periods in

my life that I have totally forgotten.

I sometimes have no recollection of a lot of things that happened to me in active

addiction. I have had to accept that I did this to myself and I can get through life now

without drugs. As things come up now I have to deal with them with a sober and clean

mind. I have had many obstacles put in my way over the past 8 months but I have

managed to get through them one day at a time. I know that if I had not gone into rehab

when I did I am sure that I would not have made it to December 2000. I thank god that I

have taken stock of my life and am alive and not in Wespark Cemetary. I would like to

thank my husband, Vivian, for his tireless patience with me and for all his help in the

darkest time of my life, for the love and the understanding. I thank my mom and dad,

Cheryl and Albie, for helping me with my daughter when things were falling apart and

not to mention the unconditional love and support you showed me. To my grandparents,

Patsy and Ernie, that I lost in December 2001. Thanks for the hours of company that you

gave me in my height of addiction and also the love an the support you showed me. To

my brother, Jason, for standing by me as a comrade in my addiction and also for joining

me on this journey. Mostly to my darling daughter, Daniella, you endured years of a

mother that was never really there emotionally for you. You have grown up a beautiful

and talented girl despite me and I love you for it. I am glad you come home now and you

seem happy so I must have done something right. Thank you for your love and support

through some very difficult years.

You all helped me every inch of the way. You all never gave up on me. I thank you for

this and love you all very much. I am just glad that I have been given an extended lease

on life to make it up to all of you.

**The poem put in with my story was written for me by Jason and given to me in rehab.

It kept me going during a very hard time in my life. Thanks Jason.

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To Kerryn:

To our own lives are we the authors

Yet in life both students and tutors

For to half we learn

The rest we earn

From the twelve steps you will find

Times when you were hard and kind

Times when you were happy and sad

Times when you were calm and mad

The twelve steps offers a new foundation

To be applied in daily application

For gambling too is an addiction

No known cure only arrestation

Step 1 is the crux to it all

Admit powerless so as never to fall

In life things happen for a reason

Never as clear as the changing of a season

As family we often take each other for granted

As sure as the farmer knows what he’s planted

But out of the blue a storm appears

And what was always sure now disappears

Not gone and forgotten

But a time of separation to grow and reflect on

As we all have now come together again

Our family bonds to strengthen and deepen

For in that time we were apart

Gave us the experiences needed for this rejuvinated start

For each to help and to show

What’s required for our family to grow

No resentments or regret

Just true faith on each other to bet

United we stand, divided we fall

Never to a no answer call

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Friends come and friends go

Some have gone to a place we don’t know

But family lasts till the end

A promise at birth on which we depend

To motivate, help and encouragement for you

A foundation of support in times of feeling blue

A collective of experiences learnt to share

For each other to nurture and care,

Love Jason

Kerryn’s story:

Hello, my name is Kerryn and I am a compulsive gambler. I am a 33-year-old mother of

2. I wanted to write about what happened to me, because it may help others not to

become like myself and if this could help at least one person, I know then that my life is

changing for the better.

I had a perfectly happy childhood and have a wonderful family so I cannot blame

anything or anyone in my life, for where I am now, except myself. I started like so many

others. Going to the casinos every now and then, my parents and family being avid

gamblers, I would often join them, spending a small amount of money. Even though they

did introduce me to casinos, I must say that in no way are they responsible for my lack of

control. The more times I won, the more times I would visit the casino. I had my

favourite machines that I played. I would actually get upset if i went in and someone else

was playing my machine. Then quiet a few casinos opened a lot closer to home. I then

started spending a lot more time at the casino’s. I would go for an hour after work and

started lying to my family about my whereabouts and the amounts of money I was

spending. I have two small children who needed me and as much as I hate admitting it to

myself, I began to spend too much time away from them. While I was at home with them,

I was planning my next “escape” to the casino. I would also then feel very guilty and buy

them things to try to appease my guilt. My husband often knew I was going to the

casino’s but he had no idea of the amounts of money I was spending or where I was

getting it from. I would leave my bank cards at home with him, but in the meantime, I

had applied to various banks for credit cards, which he did not know about, and

eventually got us into a very bad financial state of affairs. Still this did not stop me. I

clearly remember walking out of the casino, hating myself and wishing I could die on the

way home so that this would all end. In fact once, I actually drove home through red

traffic lights, hoping someone would smash into my car and end this all. I knew I had a

problem but did not want to do anything about it, because then I knew I could never go

into another casino again. I was going to a casino at least 5 times a week. At times my

husband would go to the casinos with me. I would give him some money and he would

go off and play. See, this way he never saw how much money I was spending. I lost the

respect of my husband and had no friends anymore as I was always letting them down!

This I could not bare.

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A very good friend of mine, became the person who I have to thank for getting me onto

the right path. She and I had not spoken for years but it just so happened that she

contacted me after going through hell herself now being a member of NA. She told me all

about her recovery and is such a beautiful person, someone I hope to become one day. I

started confiding in her and eventually she convinced me to “come clean” with my

family. That evening, I don’t know how it happened, but I told all to my husband. He

only looked at me, very hurt and said that he knew what was happening but could do

nothing, he said that he was just waiting for it all to end, he thought, through a divorce

and us loosing everything. I cannot tell you how hard it was to tell him what I had been

doing and to see the look in his eyes, but the immense relief once it was all out in the

open was huge! The next morning I phoned my folks and told them, my mother and I

having a very close relationship. I knew she would blame herself and would have done

anything to convince her that in no way was she to blame. I then contacted the help line

and after speaking to that “angel” for over an hour, phoned our local gamblers

anonymous group and found out where the meetings were. I remember my first meeting,

sitting outside of the centre, and thinking of every reason why I should not go inside.

Eventually, I got out my car and went into the meeting. I remember bursting out into tears

as I walked in, feeling so humiliated and hating myself. The people there were nothing

but nice to me and made me feel comfortable to be there and welcomed me. To each and

every person there, I truly thank you. It has now been 4 months since I have gambled and

I must say that the first few months very indeed very hard. I found myself one evening

begging my mom to take me to a casino and eventually, she talked me out of it. I then

made use of the “phone list” given to me at GA and now I can say, that it has become so

much easier. To phone someone who knows what I am going through helped and still

does. Not only did they help me to stop gambling, slowly they are helping me become a

better person and to start liking whom I am. In no way and I at the end of the road, but I

now have become addicted to getting well and to start becoming a better person. You do

not realise how much you miss while being controlled by the disease and how much you

gain once you start arresting it.

Although I have not gone into the “nitty gritty” details of how bad a person I became

whilst gambling and what terrible things I did, believe you me, if you have thought about

it, I did it and still hate myself for it, but the one thing I wake up feeling each day is that

“today” I will try to make a difference.

To each of you who have supported me through this time, whether it is family or friends

or fellow GA members, I can only thank you from the very bottom of my heart and hope

each one of you know how very much I do appreciate you.

Most of all i thank my husband and two boys and my mother, who have never given up

on me and continue to support and encourage me daily.

Update:

It is now 13 months that I am clean, and I must say that the road has been long and hard

but I feel that without attending my weekly GA meetings and doing the intensive 12-step

program, I certainly wouldn’t have made it thus far. These things have become my

“insulin” and have also shown me how I can become a better person. The support you get

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at these groups is immeasurable and since the first day of being clean, my life has taken a

turn for the better.

Albie’s story:

25th

august 1993, the first day of the rest of my life. I attended my first gamblers support

group meeting and realised that I am not unique and the terrible person I thought I was as

I suffered from an illness that cannot be cured, only arrested. And so started my long

recovery. As I write this testimony it is eight years and nine months to the day that I

attended my first meeting. And man do I feel good due to the twelve step programme! I

tried various forms of gambling, poker, faa fee, horse racing and casino’s and ended up a

loser.

My recovery started at my first meeting when I said “hello, my name is Albie and I am a

compulsive gambler”. As you are aware as an addict we are the best liars, con artists and

dreamers in the world. May be 2nd

to politicians. The lengths we went to, to get money to

feed our addictions, being a gambler is not as noticeable as an alcoholic or drug addict.

As the addiction grows we undergo a change in personality which we cannot notice, but

our families do and as a result suffer extensive damage.

I broke the trust my wife had in me, a hurt which may never be overcome, only time can

heal this feeling of being let down by your loved one. Cheryl never turned against me as

she continued to give her love and support. The most important “medicine” necessary to

my recovery from being a compulsive gambler to living a 100% gambling free life. I love

you Cheryl, my blessing from god. Without your love and support, who knows what

might’ve happened to me?

Over the years I have applied the twelve step program in my recovery. I never missed a

meeting for the first six years. I still attend meetings today to remind myself of my illness

and continue on my road to recovery. Cheryl and my family are still there supporting and

encouraging me everyday.

I still do it one day at a time. I know my testimony at meetings has helped many

gamblers and their families to recover from addiction and to gain respect and trust again.

In closing I would like to thank Cheryl for her love and support, Ajay, Michelle,

Ingrid, Tony, Peter and Poobie who have helped me in my recovery since my first

meeting.

The 25th

August 1993 was my daughter’s birthday and I was so broke that I could not

even afford a birthday card. Michelle gave me a red rose tied with a ribbon to give to

Jodie. I made a promise to myself that this would never happen in my life again.

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Recovery from an addiction is a long, painful road to travel without the support from my

wife, family and my support group. I thank my god, my higher power, for my recovery

and big thank you to all who cared.

Albie

25-05-2002

There you have it. Proof that recovery is possible and more importantly that it is for life

and it all starts once you have accepted and acknowledged it for yourself that you are an

addict, irrespective of your addiction.

And we (you) all lived happily ever after in recovery!!!!!

The end

Or is it………………..