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LIVING WELLWITH GRIEFIssue one 2015 | leukaemiaqld.org.au | QUEENSLAND

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know the truth.  It hurts and it’s awful. We do this for a few reasons - see if any of these sound familiar:

‘I don’t want to bring anybody down.’

‘I don’t want to talk about this grief stuff again.’

‘So and so can’t handle my pain.’

‘They think I’m fine, why burden them.’

‘They don’t want me to mention ________’s name.’

‘I need to be strong for my family.’

‘Nobody wants to hear about this any more.’

‘It’s  _________ (insert holiday/family get-together or supposed to be fun activity) and it’s not right to be sad.’

One of the most painful aspects of the grieving process can be loneliness. We expect to be sad, but the feeling of loneliness has its own and subtly different kind of pain. It can be unsettling and scary. What you need to know is that you are not alone in feeling these feelings. 

I hope that just knowing that will help you to feel a little less lonely.

It makes perfect sense to feel lonely at times.  The one who you loved so much and the one who loved you so much is gone.  It is an awful feeling. You yearn for him. You want her back.  You miss him.  You need her.  And he is not there.  She is not there.  It’s not fair, it’s wrong, and yet it’s the truth you are living.  This is normal and natural.  It comes with the territory.  You will be lonely for the person you lost.

Loneliness is part of your journey.

But there is another kind of loneliness that no one really talks about. I call it ‘insidious loneliness’.  Insidious loneliness is the kind of loneliness that makes you feel like you are alone in the world.  It’s the sensation of walking through your life, within your life and around your life without actually being part of your life.  It’s the odd experience of seeing people laughing and thinking, ‘How can they be happy?  Don’t they know that my _____ is gone?’

Other people don’t even have to be laughing or smiling for you to experience this confusion. They could just be living their lives. But you’re not. You’re disconnected from them and disconnected even from your own feeling of being engaged in life.

Insidious loneliness is slowly and subtly harmful and doesn’t serve any good purpose…for you, for your grieving process, or for anyone else.

Insidious loneliness occurs because we think (it may or may not be true) that no one really gets how much we are suffering.  Most women I know are pleasers – we like making other people happy.  While we are grieving, we sometimes look and act like we’re fine.  We do this without trying or sometimes we know we’re hurting and we put on the happy face.  Some may even comment about how well we’re handling our loss.  We may even smile and agree, but inside we

Grief, loss and loneliness

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Grief, loss and loneliness

A message from the editor

Shirley Cunningham

way of viewing the world. Grief is a teacher - loss helps us to grow in courage, wisdom and to learn to appreciate the loneliness of others. It is a hard way to learn, and we may not like how it can be a frightening and lonely experience when we choose to love a person that we must let go when their life ends. Recently our Grief Brunch held in Brisbane looked at loneliness. Those present shared experiences and felt a sense of acceptance and belonging. These grief brunches allow people to ‘be’ wherever they are in this walk of grief….no judgments. One lady shared how this was ‘my warm comfort place where I am accepted and understood’.

THE MAKING OF BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE‘The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.’ - Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

When I read this quote my mind wandered to all the beautiful people I have had the privilege of meeting while working for the Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland. They have certainly known suffering, struggle, loss and at times felt defeated by their loss, but they have all shared how they have grown. This can be a small step for some, as small as being able to pick up a ringing phone to say hello or a larger step like going on a holiday without their loved one.

Grief changes the very fabric of who you are and at times the person you were doesn’t seem to exist anymore. But as time goes on you will experience growth and a new

I hope others also know they can ring, email, visit and find their warm comfort place with the Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland. I will be visiting Mackay, Hervey Bay, Tablelands, Cairns and Townsville in the first half of the year doing Grief Brunches and visiting people who would like to have a chat with me. An invitation will be sent before I come and I look forward very much to seeing some of you there.

Shirley CunninghamGrief Support Services Manager

‘I simply don’t have time for being so sad!’

‘So and so is handling this so well and I’m a mess.  I need to buck up.’

‘If I talk about it, they’ll want to fix it or say well meaning, but very stupid things that don’t help.’

The thing that seems to help the most with insidious loneliness is telling your truth to someone.  I’m talking about the real truth about what is actually going on with your grieving process.

Find one fabulous, kind, loving, nonjudgmental, smart, understanding person and tell that person your truth. Find someone who knows you and who accepts you for the wonderful person that you are. Tell them how lonely you feel. Tell them how disconnected

you feel. Tell them how lost you feel.

Don’t assume they already know. Chances are you’re probably doing a good job hiding it.

If you don’t feel like there is anyone else in your life that you can safely tell these things to, or if you don’t want to burden them, then think about finding a professional grief counsellor. Most of them understand the loneliness you are feeling and can help you work through it.

Having at least one person on the planet that knows – that really knows – what you’re going through can relieve you of your insidious loneliness.

Elizabeth Kupferman Author of Grief, Loss and Insidious Loneliness

Grief never endsBut it changes.It’s a passage,not a place to stay.Grief is not a signof weakness, nora lack of faith...It is the price of love. Author unknown

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You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way as you do. Don’t allow others to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.

You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.

You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Know that there is no such thing as a ‘wrong’ emotion. Accept all your feelings and find listeners who will do the same.

You have a right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Don’t allow others to push you to what you don’t feel ready for.

You have the right to experience grief ‘attacks’. Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual provides you with the support of caring people. More importantly, it supportively sees you off on your painful but necessary grief journey. Later rituals, such as lighting a candle for the person who died, can also be healing. If others tell you rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, ‘Why did he or she die? Why now?’ Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. Watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like ‘It was God’s will’ or ‘Think what you have to be thankful for’ are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

You have a right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring memories, think of creative ways to embrace them.

You have the right to move towards your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Grieving parent’s bill of rights

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If you have lost a child of any age please consider attending our

» Grief brunch for bereaved parents, Saturday 20 June 2015, 9.00am

» Bereaved Parents’ Weekend, 28-30 August 2015

For more information call the Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland on 07 3055 8233.

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No book or grief therapist can predict or prescribe

exactly what a teen will or should go through on the

grief journey.

How to help a grieving teen

What is it like for teenagers when someone close to them dies? How do they respond to the death of a parent, a sibling, a relative or a friend?

In our work with teenagers, we’ve learned that teens respond better to adults who choose to be companions on the grief journey rather than direct it. We have also discovered that adult companions need to be aware of their own grief issues and journeys because their experiences and beliefs impact the way they relate to teens.

Here are six principles relating to grieving teenagers:

1. Grieving is the teen’s natural reaction to a death. Grief is a natural reaction to death and other losses. However, grieving does not feel natural because it may be difficult to control the emotions, thoughts or physical feelings associated with a death. The sense of being out of control that is often a part of grief may overwhelm or frighten some teens. Grieving is normal and healthy, yet may be an experience teens resist and reject. Helping teens accept the reality that they are grievers allows them to do their grief work and to progress in their grief journey.

2. Each teen’s grieving experience is unique. Grieving is a different experience for each person. Teens grieve for different lengths of time and express a wide spectrum of emotions. Grief is best understood as a process in which bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts and behaviours surface in response to the death, its circumstances, the past relationship with the deceased, and the realisation of the future without the person. For example, sadness and crying may be an expression of grief for one teen, while another may respond with humour and laughter.

‘I hate it when people think I should be grieving according to the ‘stages’ described in some high-school health book. Since my sister’s death I’ve learned that grief isn’t five simple stages.’ Kimberly, 17

While many theories and models of the grieving process provide a helpful framework, the path itself is an individual one, and often lonely. No book or grief therapist can predict or prescribe exactly what a teen will or should go through on the grief journey. Adults can best assist grieving teenagers by accompanying them on their journey in the role of listener and learner, and by allowing the teen to function as a teacher.

3. There are no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways to grieve. Sometimes adults express strong opinions about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to grieve. But there is no correct way to grieve. Coping with a death does not follow a simple pattern or set of rules, nor

is it a course to be evaluated or graded.

There are, however, ‘helpful’ and ‘unhelpful’ choices and behaviours associated with the grieving process. Some behaviours are constructive and encourage facing grief, such as talking with trusted friends, journaling, creating art, and expressing emotion rather than holding it inside. Other grief responses are destructive and may cause long-term complications and consequences. For example, some teens attempt to escape their pain through many of the same escape routes adults choose: alcohol and substance abuse, reckless sexual activity, antisocial behaviours, withdrawal from social activities, excessive sleeping, high risk-taking behaviours, and other methods that temporarily numb the pain of their loss.

‘My friend went crazy into drugs, sex and skipping school after her boyfriend got killed in a skiing accident. She stopped talking about him. Now she’s kicked out of school and is pregnant by a guy she hates. Since my boyfriend’s car accident, I know what can happen if I make wrong choices like her.’ Sara, 18

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4. Every death is unique and is experienced differently. The way teens grieve differs according to personality and the particular relationship they had with the deceased. They typically react in different ways to the death of a parent, sibling, grandparent, child or friend. For many teens, peer relationships are primary. The death or loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend may seem to affect them more than the death of a sibling or grandparent.

‘Expect the unexpected. Emily actually danced and sang after I told her that her mother died. I was shocked. Later I realised the relief we both felt. The relationship had been filled with her alcoholism, lies and illness.’ Father of Emily, 17

Within a family, each person may mourn differently at different times. One may be talkative, another may tend to cry often, and a third might withdraw. This can

» Remember that grief is normal.

» Be patient with yourself – grieving takes time.

» Remember that ‘coping’ or ‘being strong’ does not mean ‘not crying’.

» Expressing emotion shows courage to grieve, and is very healing.

» Feel whatever you feel, and be kind to yourself.

» Get as much rest as you can.

» Take some moderate exercise.

» Eat nutritious food – when you are able to.

» Continue the relationship with the person who has died. Talk to

them, look at the photos, visit the place where they are buried or where their ashes are scattered.

» Ask for and accept help.

» Enlist the support of family and friends for help with the children: it may just be too much for you to support grieving children while you are acutely grieving.

» Make a ‘memory box’ or a ‘special scrapbook’ or a ‘things that made us laugh list’ that you can all add to.

» Spend time with people who you find helpful.

» Don’t feel you must grieve all the time – try some things you enjoy as well, as you feel up to it.

» Get to know your own rhythm for grieving: staying with the sadness and making sense of it, and then retreating from it and distracting yourself.

» Get friends or family to help you when your emotional or physical energy is low.

» Read some books on grief or visit some websites.

Helping yourself through grief

generate a great deal of tension and misunderstanding within the already stressed family. Each person’s response to death should be honoured as his or her way of coping in that moment. Keep in mind that responses may change from day to day or even from hour to hour.

5. The grieving process is influenced by many issues. The impact of a death on a teen relates to a combination of factors including:

» Social support systems available for the teen (family, friends and/or community)

» Circumstances of the death - how, where and when the person died

» The nature of the relationship with the person who died - harmonious, abusive, full of conflict, unfinished, communicative

» The teen’s level of involvement in the dying process

» The emotional and developmental age of the teen 

» The teen’s previous experiences with death.

6. Grief is ongoing. Grief never ends, but it does change in character and intensity. Many grievers have compared their grieving to the constantly shifting tides of the ocean; ranging from calm, low tides to raging high tides that change with the seasons and the years.

The Dougy Centrewww.dougy.org

Using journaling as a tool to work through grief

There are two main reasons why short journal writes of 15 minutes or less can be helpful. Firstly, when grief is new, feelings are so close to the surface and pain is so raw that short writes are less likely to pitch you into overwhelm. Second, our culture doesn’t really support us in grieving, and we are expected to return to work and resume the mantle of everyday life almost immediately after even a catastrophic loss. For many people, shorter writes are friendlier and more adaptable to daily realities.

Remember, there aren’t any rules

Journal writing isn’t like flossing; you don’t have to do it every day. And it isn’t school; you don’t have to spell the words right, or punctuate them or worry about grammar. Give yourself permission to write whatever comes. You’re not being judged or graded by anyone else, so please don’t judge or grade yourself.

Choose a journal that fits your lifestyle. Some people treasure lovely blank bound books. Others favour spiral notebooks that can be chucked into

a backpack. If you think at your keyboard, keep your journal on your computer. There is excellent journal software available such as Life Journal which is available at major bookstores or on the internet (www.lifejournal.com). You can also write your journal via e-mail to a support group or mailing list of chosen friends and family.

Get in the habit of writing three words that describe your feelings at the beginning and end of every journal entry. This helps you track your feelings over time and gives you an opportunity to notice

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Give yourself permission to write

whatever comes. You’re not being judged or

graded by anyone else, so please don’t judge or

grade yourself.

that emotions shift with time and process. Because it is common for memory to be affected with acute grief, make to-do lists and keep them right in your journal. Make other lists as well. Lists are great for organising and categorising, and their structure is comforting when things feel like they are spinning out of control.

Before you go to bed, choose something you’d like to experience the following day — a feeling of hope or pleasure; an item crossed off a to-do list; an experience such as a productive meeting or a gym workout. Write this ‘choice du jour’ in your journal. As you go to sleep, reflect on your choice. How would you recognise success? What can you do to arrange your day to increase the likelihood that your choice will manifest? At night, write for five minutes reflecting on outcomes.

When you are aching with longing for your loved one, write ‘Captured Moments’ – brief vignettes written quickly. Make them intense with vivid descriptions; the sight, smell, touch, taste, feel of things. A collection of Captured Moments becomes like a written photo album, preserving precious memories for all time.

Unsent letters are an excellent way to maintain a sense of communication with your loved one and can offer deep opportunities for soothing and comfort.

Sometimes the only way to get through devastation is to imagine a time when it might not hurt so much. Write a ‘One Year from Today’ entry in which you fast-forward yourself to the healing side of the grief. Allow yourself a glimpse into the future. Imagine your life as if you have wheeled around through four seasons, and you are one year distant from the losses you are experiencing today.

Scientific research shows that brief, intense bursts of emotional release writing, only 15 minutes a day for only four consecutive days, is correlated with increased immune system functioning that can last for several weeks. Since grief often compromises the immune system and leaves you more vulnerable to colds, flu and infection, these writes can help your physical as well as your emotional health.

by Bettie-Jeanne 2011 www.tcfeastoftheriver.org

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Remember to press play

When it comes to grief, it doesn’t matter where you are from, or what colour your skin is.

It doesn’t matter how old you are or how many mistakes you think you made.

I don’t care about your religion choice. I don’t care that you have no money.I don’t care that you are not popular.

What I care about is that you wake up every morning and you smile at the person you see in the mirror.

What I care about is that you learn to laugh again so much that you lose your breath.

What I care about is that you speak to yourself kindly and you give yourself hope when there is no hope left.

What I care about is that you spend time with yourself, imagining a new life, dreaming of what could be and thinking of all the people you can lend a hand to.

Regardless of how much it is that you have lost, or how many dreams have been shattered.

Above all, I care about the place in your heart that keeps beating no matter your loss, your circumstances, your dollar amount, or your accomplishment list.

That heartbeat doesn’t care about the mistakes, the losses, the language you speak, or who your family is.

What I am referring to is the feeling that comes from feeling love, laughter and most of all, compassion for yourself.

You know that feeling when you help someone who needs you? That feeling when you can see life as your playground? And you are playing full on?

Yes I know, I know, I know…

How can you play with life again when you are so scared about what you might lose?

I hear you!I hear your fear about living life again.But listen to this one tiny thought….

It sounds like a whisper.Playing with life again is the only way forward.

I promise you that if you decide to join in… every moment will feel like time stopped and your heart will experience happiness in slow motion.

I promise you that if you start making new friends, they will love all the colours of you BECAUSE OF YOUR LOSS.

I promise you that if you find a new hobby, you will discover a new part of you that you never knew was possible before.

I promise you that if you decide to date again, and play with a new mate, you will find yourself immersed in a life that feels like a dream.

I promise you that if you dare to fall in love, your heartbeat will feel that new love so much louder that you will experience EUPHORIA FOR THE FIRST TIME.

How do I know all this?

Well my dear life starter, my life was interrupted abruptly one early morning at 2:00am in 2006 when my gorgeous, smart and spectacular husband passed on to another dimension and left me here on this earth with two baby daughters.

I was distraught, breathless and in love with a dead man.

My body was still functioning but I was dead INSIDE.Since that day, I began to really play fun and games with my life after loss.

I won’t lie to you; it did not happen overnight but it did get me to my PRESENT MOMENT.

Where I wake up every morning and I look at my life as a single life that lives within every day.

Since 2006, I lived over 2,000 playful lives.

I had so much fun that I forgot that I was no longer a kid.I travelled the globe so many times over.

I fell in love hard, and married him regardless of my fear.

I am no longer afraid because after all, if you don’t play the biggest game called life, your loss will not be able to teach you the wisdom that you deserve!

You earned it.Now it is your turn.Go and claim it.

BUT REMEMBER TO PRESS PLAY!

Christina Rasmussenwww.secondfirsts.com

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Reactions to losing a parentGrief is as individual as it is natural. How you grieve the loss of a parent depends on a number of factors. While the age and health of a parent can help prepare you for the death, it does not diminish the grief.

Your relationship at the time of his/her death is a major factor in the type of grief you experience. Distance and other circumstances sometimes prevent us from sharing our feelings with our parents. If the death was the result of a sudden illness, the opportunity may seem to be lost forever. The sense of loss could be heightened if there was an argument or a family rift.

Shock and denial are common reactions to the death of a parent, in addition to a feeling of numbness, anger, and guilt. These are completely understandable and normal reactions and you should not feel ashamed or alone for experiencing these feelings.

Perhaps you feel that what has happened is not real, as if it is all a bad dream. This does not mean there is something wrong with you. This reaction is nature’s way of insulating you and giving you time to slowly accept what has happened.

Anger is another very natural reaction. You may feel anger at the doctors or nurses who could not save your parent. You might become angry with family members, or with God. You may even feel anger toward your parent for dying. Indeed, you may be angry most of all with yourself for not paying closer attention to symptoms, if death was due to illness.

By working through this anger with a trusted friend, clergy, or a grief counsellor, you will come to the realisation that nothing you could have done would have prevented your parent’s death. This is a positive step in the process of grief recovery.

Guilt can accompany the anger you feel at your parent’s death. You may ask yourself, ‘Why didn’t I see the warning signs? Why didn’t I make sure they ate properly? Why did I insist they take that vacation?’ You will undoubtedly second-guess yourself many times throughout the grieving process.

It is common to become preoccupied with the parent who died. You may recreate the circumstances of their death over and over again in your mind. You might experience dreams and nightmares, or you may think you see or hear your parent while awake. These reactions, which may seem bizarre to you, are also quite common signs of profound loss.

Secondary lossesWhen a parent dies, you eventually experience what are known as secondary losses.

Not only have you lost a parent, but you may also feel you have lost a part of your past. Your parent may have been a trusted adviser, role model or your closest friend. It is not unusual for adults to seek a parent’s advice before they make large purchases or investments. After all, they have years of experience upon which to draw. Was your parent an advisor on child-rearing, relationships, cooking and health? Perhaps your parent’s home was the place for family gatherings.

Without your parent to fulfil all these roles, you may suddenly feel very alone.

Even if you were quite independent from your parents, you may still experience forms of secondary loss. Perhaps you hoped he/she would have lived to see you achieve an educational degree, a career or business goal, athletic accomplishment, your marriage, and their grandchildren. Their death may have preceded your marriage or the birth of your children. A parent’s absence from these important milestones is a form of secondary loss — a part of the grieving process.

The death of a parent often brings on a sense of your own mortality. You may become haunted by feelings of, ‘I’m next’, especially as your generation becomes the oldest in your family line.

Losing a parent, losing your past

When a parent dies, it is only natural to grieve and to feel pain, anger, denial, guilt, and deep sadness, even though you are an adult. How do you say good-bye to a part of your past that helped make you the person you are today?

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Coping with your griefThe first step in overcoming grief is to recognise that grief is necessary. It is a process you must work through and there are no shortcuts.

Do things that trigger memories, and talk openly with family members and friends. Look to this circle for support. They may not know how badly you are hurting, but they will listen. At first they may feel awkward, not knowing how to help. Simply tell them what you need.

If you normally have a pressing or stressful schedule, lighten it for a while. Grief can affect both your mental and physical being, so don’t add to the stress and strain too soon. Set aside some quiet time to allow yourself to accept what has happened. You need to work through how it is affecting you and decide what adjustments, if any, need to be made in your life.

If one of your parents is still alive, talk with them and share your memories. Sooner or later, you will join together in laughing and crying as the grief process develops.

You might gently suggest that your mother or father (left behind) not make any major decisions for several months. A grieving widow or widower may make drastic decisions such as selling the family home or giving away possessions, only to regret it later.

Another important thing to remember is to take care of yourself during this emotional time. Grief can take a tremendous physical and emotional toll. Familiar signs of physical grief are weight loss, difficulty sleeping, irritability, shortness of breath and even hair loss.

Your family doctor can help if you cannot sleep or eat, or if you experience strong feelings of anxiety. Be aware of the signs ofstress which can affect your well-being, and visit your doctor at their first indication.

If you still can’t seem to handle your grief, remember that there is no timetable for grief. If you are worried that your grief is controlling you, speak with the grief support coordinators at the Leukaemia Foundation. You will be relieved to discover that you are not alone in your reactions to the death of a parent.

Feelings of loss are universal — we are all human! But we each deal with death in our own individual ways. It simply takes time.

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63 Things I wish someone had told me about grief

I wish someone had told me...

1. No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.

2. You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.

3. Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.  It is not peaceful or prepared.  You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment. It’s too real.

4. A hospital death is not always a bad death.

5. A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.

6. There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets.

7. Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye.

8. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.

9. You will plan the funeral while in a haze.  If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.

10. When people offer support, take them up on it.

11. People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do.  Don’t feel bad throwing it away.

12. People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realising it.

13. People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.

14. Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.

15. There is no such thing as closure.

16. There is no timeline for grieving.  You can’t rush it.  You will grieve, in some form, forever.

17. There will always be regrets.  No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more.

18. Guilt is a normal part of grief.

19. Anger is a normal part of grief.

20. The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can.

21. Grief can make you question your faith.

22. Grief doesn’t come in five neat stages.  Grief is messy and confusing.

23. Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.

24. Grief can make you question your life, your purpose and your goals.  And that isn’t always a bad thing.

25. We all grieve differently which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.

26.  However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse.

27.  You may find comfort in very unexpected places.

28. You should go somewhere to debrief after care giving.

29.  The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind.

30. Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.

31. It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own. Find new guidance if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how.

32.  You grieve your past, present and future with that person.

33. Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.

34. Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.

35. You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust.

36. Holidays, anniversaries and birthdays will be hard forever.

37. People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve.  Ignore them.

38. The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person.

39. There is no normal when it comes to grieving.

40. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

41. It is normal to feel numb after it happens.  The tears will come. They come in waves.

42. Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).

43. Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad.  But eventually it can be nice to ‘introduce’ them through stories and photographs.

44. The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.

45. People love to judge how you are doing.  Watch out for those people.

46. You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.

47. Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.

48. Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief.

49. There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.

We think about grief a lot but sometimes I think it is good to get back to the basics.  Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope — just the really basic things that people never tell you about grief.

11

Adult siblings’ grief may be overlooked

50. Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things.  They may be what you need at the time, but you may regret them later.  Cut yourself some slack.

51. Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.

52. Grief counselling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.

53. It is okay to cry sometimes.

54. It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.

55. Time does NOT heal all wounds.

56. Grief rewrites your address book. Sometimes the people

you think will be there for you are not.  People you never expect become your biggest supporters.

57. You don’t get over it, you just get used to it.

58. It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.

59. Watch your drinking – alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.

60. You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

61. Talking isn’t the only way to

express and process emotions.

62. You will never go back to being your ‘old self’.  Grief changes you and you are never the same.

63. Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.  Eventually you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences or whatever.  None of these things will diminish your love for the person you lost.

Litsa Elisabeth Williams

Yes, it is dreadful for our parents when our sibling, their child, dies. Horrific actually, made even more so because we know. We see it in their faces and feel it in their words. We know because we may be parents ourselves and the thought of losing one of our children is unfathomable. It’s also awful for our sibling’s spouse and their children. We see and feel it in their faces and wonder how they will survive.

And it is dreadful for us too. We’ve lost our mirror, our confidante, in some cases our anchor and the person we expected to be with us forever. Our families are changed, scarred; the absence of our sibling, and sometimes their entire family at holiday events, cuts to the core.And for many bereaved siblings, we’ve lost our stories. Our parents, so traumatised by the death of their child, can no longer bear to speak their name. There are no ‘remember when….’ stories ending with laughter; we learn that just mentioning our sibling’s name

causes too much pain. As one bereaved sibling said to me, ‘You quickly get to know what you can and can’t say’.

This place or role as ‘grief observer’ versus ‘griever’ is lonely. It’s easy to make the leap that our own grief must somehow be less than that of other ‘closer’ family. ‘You hear it enough; you start to think maybe you really shouldn’t be feeling so bad. Maybe something is wrong with me,’ a bereaved sister said to me.

Losing a sibling at any age matters. It is a profound loss and just hearing the words, ‘this must be so hard for you’, can mean so much. For me, writing and finding ways to continue sharing stories about my brother were and are the best gifts anyone could offer me. When I talk about him, he’s with me. And I like that.

Brenda Marshall 2012

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Leukaemia Foundation of Queensland ©

MAY

SAT 309am

Grief Brunch

JUNE

SAT 209am

Grief Brunch for bereaved parents

JULY

SAT 259am

Grief Brunch

AUGUST

FRI 28-30

Bereaved Parents’ Weekend

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Queensland Support Services team

Director of Support Services »Barbara Hartigan

Support Services Coordinators »Sheila Deuchars »Maryanne Skarparis »Nicole Douglas »Natalie James »Claire Smith

Regional Support Services Coordinators »Donna Vrancken - Cairns and Far North QLD »Karen Szymanski - Townsville/Mackay North QLD »Ann Scholz - Gold Coast/Hinterland

Grief Support Services Manager »Shirley Cunningham

Support Services Administration Officer »Marian Marshall

»Kate Arkadieff »Kathryn Huntley »Amanda Ferguson »Michele Leis

Grief Support Services schedule

Would you would like to receive this newsletter or invitations to our seminars via email? Phone Marian on 07 3055 8233.

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