Livingston & Associates Conflict to Cooperation: It’s Easier Than You Think Expo Seminar May 2, 2006 Welcome! © Copyright 2006. All rights reserved. Debra

Livingston & AssociatesLivingston & Associates

Conflict to Cooperation:Conflict to Cooperation:It’s Easier Than You ThinkIt’s Easier Than You Think

Expo SeminarExpo Seminar

May 2, 2006Welcome!

© Copyright 2006. All rights reserved. Debra A. Livingston & Rebecca A. Clark


Your FacilitatorsYour Facilitators

Deb LivingstonDeb LivingstonPresident, Livingston & AssociatesPresident, Livingston & Associates

Becki ClarkBecki ClarkPresident, Excelegy Consulting GroupPresident, Excelegy Consulting Group

How Do You Define Conflict?How Do You Define Conflict?


Conflict is . . . Conflict is . . .

Process beginning when one party Process beginning when one party perceives that something he or she perceives that something he or she

holds important is negatively affected holds important is negatively affected by someone elseby someone else

What Is That Process?What Is That Process?

• Built for fight or flight, not stay and copeBuilt for fight or flight, not stay and cope• Conflict causes a reaction – frequently a Conflict causes a reaction – frequently a

physiological reactionphysiological reaction• Conflict is episodicConflict is episodic

• If not solved in an episodeIf not solved in an episode• Next episode escalates physiological reactionsNext episode escalates physiological reactions

Two Key TypesTwo Key Types

• Structural ConflictStructural Conflict• Comes from how organization is set up & Comes from how organization is set up &

operatedoperated• Interpersonal ConflictInterpersonal Conflict

• Differences in personalities & valuesDifferences in personalities & values• Usually easy to think of interpersonal Usually easy to think of interpersonal

examplesexamples• Think of some possible structural examplesThink of some possible structural examples

3 Root Causes of Structural Conflict3 Root Causes of Structural Conflict

• Distribution of scarce resourcesDistribution of scarce resources• Examples: From copying paper & printers to who gets Examples: From copying paper & printers to who gets

the people and salary dollarsthe people and salary dollars• Uncertainty about who is responsible/who is to Uncertainty about who is responsible/who is to

“take lead” jurisdictionally“take lead” jurisdictionally• Examples: local police dept or FBIExamples: local police dept or FBI

• Bucking heads/thinking unilaterally in an Bucking heads/thinking unilaterally in an interdependent situationinterdependent situation• Examples: we don’t have staff to cover both your Examples: we don’t have staff to cover both your

preventive and repair maintenance needs; we will work preventive and repair maintenance needs; we will work on things that are breaking down firston things that are breaking down first

Adapted from How to Manage Conflict in the Organization by Gregg Lee Carter & Joseph F. Byrnes

3 More Root Causes3 More Root Causes

• Reward systems that “interfere” with effectivenessReward systems that “interfere” with effectiveness• EXAMPLE: Continental airline pilots incentive to save EXAMPLE: Continental airline pilots incentive to save

gas caused delays and “hot” customersgas caused delays and “hot” customers

• Differentiation/Norm differencesDifferentiation/Norm differences• EXAMPLE: Engineering quality norm; production EXAMPLE: Engineering quality norm; production

“get it out the door” norm“get it out the door” norm

• Power & Equity DifferencesPower & Equity Differences• EXAMPLE: rewarding relatively for contributionsEXAMPLE: rewarding relatively for contributions

Adapted from How to Manage Conflict in the Organization by Gregg Lee Carter & Joseph F. Byrnes


And the Problem Is . . . And the Problem Is . . .

Normal human thought process Normal human thought process to think IT is always to think IT is always “personality” driven“personality” driven

CALLED FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION ERROR


Find Your Conflict Resolution Style!Find Your Conflict Resolution Style!

We each have a resolution We each have a resolution “comfort zone”“comfort zone”

Answer 30 questionsAnswer 30 questionsSelf score on Page 2Self score on Page 2

Assertiveness & CooperationAssertiveness & Cooperation

Column 4Left to right

1 2

34 5

COMPETE

AVOID

CompetingCompeting

• Meeting “my” interests first; Meeting “my” interests first; low on cooperationlow on cooperation

• Win-lose approachWin-lose approach• Using whatever power appropriate “to win”Using whatever power appropriate “to win”• Arguing, pulling rank, refusing to cooperateArguing, pulling rank, refusing to cooperate• Might mean standing up for your rights, Might mean standing up for your rights,

defending your position, polarization or just defending your position, polarization or just trying to “win” (rather than “best can be”)trying to “win” (rather than “best can be”)

Competing Possible UsesCompeting Possible Uses

• Quick, decisive action neededQuick, decisive action needed• Unpopular courses of action must be takenUnpopular courses of action must be taken• You know you are rightYou know you are right• You are under attackYou are under attack• When consensus failsWhen consensus fails• When people are too considerateWhen people are too considerate• ALWAYS consider long-term ALWAYS consider long-term

consequences of using this styleconsequences of using this style

AccommodatingAccommodating

• Opposite of competing; lose-winOpposite of competing; lose-win• Sacrificing my needs to satisfy your needs; Sacrificing my needs to satisfy your needs;

strong on relationship buildingstrong on relationship building• Could be selfless generosity; obeying Could be selfless generosity; obeying

another without question; simply giving another without question; simply giving wayway

• Key to accommodating is to let the matter Key to accommodating is to let the matter go if you “decide to accommodate”go if you “decide to accommodate”

Accommodating UsesAccommodating Uses

• You are persuadedYou are persuaded• Others know more and there is little timeOthers know more and there is little time• Overruled by your boss or other Overruled by your boss or other

hierarchical representativehierarchical representative• Outvoted (could be consensus rule) by your Outvoted (could be consensus rule) by your

groupgroup• Outmatched and losingOutmatched and losing

AvoidingAvoiding

• Not considering your needs or other party’s Not considering your needs or other party’s needsneeds

• Lose-lose position; usually fear or lack of Lose-lose position; usually fear or lack of skill set driven when not tactical useskill set driven when not tactical use

• Sacrificing concerns to satisfy concerns of Sacrificing concerns to satisfy concerns of anotheranother

• Obeying without question or giving in to Obeying without question or giving in to someone else’s point of viewsomeone else’s point of view

Avoiding UsesAvoiding Uses

• Issue is trivial or other more pressing concernsIssue is trivial or other more pressing concerns• No chance satisfying your concernsNo chance satisfying your concerns• Costs outweigh benefitsCosts outweigh benefits• To buy time to cool downTo buy time to cool down• Gathering information is more important than Gathering information is more important than

making immediate decisionmaking immediate decision• Others can resolve conflict more effectivelyOthers can resolve conflict more effectively• Issue is symptomatic of more overarching problemIssue is symptomatic of more overarching problem

CollaboratingCollaborating

• Win-win approachWin-win approach• High on getting both my and our needs metHigh on getting both my and our needs met• Reaching out to other party to find solution that Reaching out to other party to find solution that

will satisfy bothwill satisfy both• Delving deeply into issue to surface underlying Delving deeply into issue to surface underlying

concerns to identify alternativesconcerns to identify alternatives• Could explore disagreements to learn each other’s Could explore disagreements to learn each other’s

insightsinsights• Resolving condition creating competition for Resolving condition creating competition for

resourcesresources• Finding creative solutions to interpersonal Finding creative solutions to interpersonal

problemsproblems

Collaboration UsesCollaboration Uses

• 2121stst century world is “collaboration driven” century world is “collaboration driven”• Concerns of both parties too important to be Concerns of both parties too important to be

compromisedcompromised• You want/need to learnYou want/need to learn• Need commitment to the decisionNeed commitment to the decision• Merge multiple insights/perspectivesMerge multiple insights/perspectives• Work through hard feelings that are Work through hard feelings that are

affecting relationshipaffecting relationship

CompromisingCompromising

• Middle of the road; give-give; traditional Middle of the road; give-give; traditional negotiating approachnegotiating approach

• Giving up something to get something; Giving up something to get something; tit-for-tattit-for-tat

• Addresses more directly than avoidingAddresses more directly than avoiding• Doesn’t go as deeply as collaboratingDoesn’t go as deeply as collaborating• Splitting difference; making equal Splitting difference; making equal

concessionsconcessions

Compromising UsesCompromising Uses

• Quick, middle ground decisionsQuick, middle ground decisions• When equal power facing win-lose issueWhen equal power facing win-lose issue• Need temporary solution to complex issueNeed temporary solution to complex issue• More assertive modes would harm More assertive modes would harm

relationshiprelationship• Arriving at expeditious solution when time Arriving at expeditious solution when time

a factora factor• As back-up when collaboration/competition As back-up when collaboration/competition

failsfails

Before the 25 TipsBefore the 25 TipsRemember:Remember:

• Ask first, “Does this situation have any Ask first, “Does this situation have any structural conflict attributes?”structural conflict attributes?”

• Remember – structural conflicts are Remember – structural conflicts are organizational head-butting areas, not organizational head-butting areas, not personality conflictspersonality conflicts

• So, work to compensate So, work to compensate for/eliminate/change structural conflictfor/eliminate/change structural conflict


Burning QuestionsBurning Questions

About one minute per tipAbout one minute per tip

Including up to one burning questionIncluding up to one burning question

Time at end for Q & ATime at end for Q & A

Feel free to talk with us laterFeel free to talk with us later


Tip 1: The Competition GotchaTip 1: The Competition Gotcha

Use competing sparinglyUse competing sparingly


Tip 2: Humor HelpsTip 2: Humor Helps

Use Avoiding (withdrawal) tactfullyUse Avoiding (withdrawal) tactfully

Not silentlyNot silently

Use humor to diffuse tensionUse humor to diffuse tension


Tip 3: “Avoid” AppeasementTip 3: “Avoid” Appeasement

Don’t fall into a pattern of Don’t fall into a pattern of appeasementappeasement

Communicate that are doing so for Communicate that are doing so for sake of the relationshipsake of the relationship


Tip 4: Build in “Fairness”Tip 4: Build in “Fairness”

Use compromise wellUse compromise wellStart the process by identifying Start the process by identifying

“fairness criteria”“fairness criteria”How we will come to agreementHow we will come to agreement

• Marketing value• Precedent• Scientific judgment• Professional standards• Efficiency• Costs

• What a court would decide• Moral/ethical standards• Equal treatment• Tradition• Reciprocity• Expert opinions


Tip 5: Build Your Collaborative SkillTip 5: Build Your Collaborative Skill

Collaborate on important thingsCollaborate on important things

Uses skills of listening, asking Uses skills of listening, asking questions, & getting to agreementquestions, & getting to agreement


Tip 6: Think Consciously About “Trust”Tip 6: Think Consciously About “Trust”

Build trust in the organizationBuild trust in the organizationCommunicate wellCommunicate well

Know What Makes People Trust Us:Know What Makes People Trust Us:

• Competence • Compatibility • Benevolence • Integrity • Predictability

• Security • Inclusion • Open with Information • Accessibility• Reciprocity


Tip 7: Be the Best Listener in the WorldTip 7: Be the Best Listener in the World

Listen well – listen empathicallyListen well – listen empathicallyFor the message behind wordsFor the message behind words

Good listeners:Good listeners:Make eye contactMake eye contact

Ask questionsAsk questionsCommunicate understandingCommunicate understanding


Tip 8: Ask good questionsTip 8: Ask good questions

Some “Smart Questions” from Dorothy Leeds:Some “Smart Questions” from Dorothy Leeds:““What can we do to help each other?What can we do to help each other?What has to be accomplished here?What has to be accomplished here?

Would you explain that further?Would you explain that further?What do you think/feel about that?What do you think/feel about that?

What are some reasons this didn’t work as well as we What are some reasons this didn’t work as well as we hoped?hoped?

What can we change to do better?What can we change to do better?What results are we looking for?What results are we looking for?What is your reason for asking?What is your reason for asking?


Tip 9: Avoid Tip 9: Avoid Loaded QuestionsLoaded Questions

Implies/Directs answerImplies/Directs answer

““Why would we do something this Why would we do something this stupid?”stupid?”

““How can we solve this problem to How can we solve this problem to . . . “ . . . “


Tip 10: Think of of Dialoguing Tip 10: Think of of Dialoguing Over DebateOver Debate

Debate = Arguing Your PositionDebate = Arguing Your PositionDialoguing = Dialoguing =

Stating your position in wants & needsStating your position in wants & needsSurfacing your assumptionsSurfacing your assumptions

Communicating your interests over Communicating your interests over your positionsyour positions


Tip 11: The “Personality” AntidoteTip 11: The “Personality” Antidote

Before thinking “it” is personality,Before thinking “it” is personality,

Ask, “What data can we gather to give Ask, “What data can we gather to give us more information to settle this?”us more information to settle this?”


Tip 12: Be CredibleTip 12: Be Credible

Do your homeworkDo your homework

Act win-winAct win-win

Think of “people”Think of “people”


Tip 13: Blamers Lose-Lose BigTip 13: Blamers Lose-Lose Big

Blaming escalates situationsBlaming escalates situations

Polarizes peoplePolarizes people

Initiates competitive Initiates competitive behavior unnecessarilybehavior unnecessarily

Think about problems/situations Think about problems/situations rather than peoplerather than people


Tip 14: Passive Aggressive Behavior Tip 14: Passive Aggressive Behavior Drives Dysfunction Drives Dysfunction

Don’t agree or concede publicly Don’t agree or concede publicly then use “back room” behavior of then use “back room” behavior of

tearing downtearing down

““Venting” and P/A are not sameVenting” and P/A are not same


Tip 15: Call a BreakTip 15: Call a Break

Calming actions:Calming actions:

Coffee, phone or restroom breaksCoffee, phone or restroom breaks

Let’s move our locationLet’s move our location

Take a walk with meTake a walk with me

Adjourn/come back laterAdjourn/come back later


Tip 16: Use “I” StatementsTip 16: Use “I” Statements

Not - “You are looking at this all wrong.”Not - “You are looking at this all wrong.”

Yes – “I think we need to examine how Yes – “I think we need to examine how we are looking at this. Let me ask what we are looking at this. Let me ask what

your interests are here, what you need in your interests are here, what you need in the solution.”the solution.”


Tip 17: Show that You “Get It”Tip 17: Show that You “Get It”

Restate what you have heard to show you Restate what you have heard to show you “hear” what is being said“hear” what is being said

Make sure you include empathic componentMake sure you include empathic component


Tip 18: “Save Face”Tip 18: “Save Face”

Use verbal/written techniques that Use verbal/written techniques that preserve relationshipspreserve relationships

Try to avoid people’s buttonsTry to avoid people’s buttons““This is what I hear us saying . . . “This is what I hear us saying . . . “


Tip 19: Moccasins’ TechniqueTip 19: Moccasins’ Technique

How would I approach this if I How would I approach this if I “walked in the other person’s “walked in the other person’s

shoes for a week” shoes for a week”

the path to compassionate the path to compassionate thinkingthinking


Tip 20: Use Space WellTip 20: Use Space Well

Choose interaction space carefullyChoose interaction space carefully

Stay away from public displays Stay away from public displays that should be privatethat should be private


Tip 21: Positive ImageryTip 21: Positive Imagery

Picture other person’s positive Picture other person’s positive concernsconcerns


Tip 22: Plan AheadTip 22: Plan Ahead

Everyone is WIIFMEveryone is WIIFM

What’s in it for MeWhat’s in it for Me

Plan and do your homework – Plan and do your homework –

Speak to them using their bottom Speak to them using their bottom line, not yoursline, not yours


Tip 23: Don’t “Yes But”Tip 23: Don’t “Yes But”

Say “And/yet” rather than “but”Say “And/yet” rather than “but”

Work to not hit people’s filtersWork to not hit people’s filters


Tip 24: Give Benefit of DoubtTip 24: Give Benefit of Doubt

Work to collaborate whenever Work to collaborate whenever possiblepossible

Give other party benefit of doubt – Give other party benefit of doubt – work from that position rather than work from that position rather than

one of disagreementone of disagreement


Tip 25: Concede GracefullyTip 25: Concede Gracefully

Take the high roadTake the high road

Never use passive/aggressive Never use passive/aggressive behaviorbehavior


And the Number 1 IsAnd the Number 1 Is

Your Bonus TipYour Bonus Tip

Coming Up NextComing Up Next

Make Wise AgreementsMake Wise Agreements

Separate People from Issues

Focus on interests, not positions

Invent options for mutual gain

Use objective standards of fairness

Strive for collaborative alternatives

Do your homework

Show willingness to communicate

WISE Agreements Are:

1) Each side walks away with legitimate concerns met

2) Relationship betweenparties is improved

3) Organizational intereststaken into account

11:05Adapted from How to Manage Conflict in the Organization by Gregg Lee Carter & Joseph F. Byrnes


Session Wrap-UpSession Wrap-Up

Questions & AnswersQuestions & Answers

Workshop EvaluationsWorkshop Evaluations


Who We AreWho We Are

What We DoWhat We Do

Documents

Livingston & Associates Conflict to Cooperation: It’s Easier Than You Think Expo Seminar May 2, 2006 Welcome! © Copyright 2006. All rights reserved. Debra