Looking for love or Becoming Love?

CONNECTING Exercise Select a Partner (you don’t know)

1. A & B2. A speaks / B listens SILENTLY3. Three topics (30 sec./each)4. Switch and repeat

Meta-Communication

Meta-Communication Level

(“How are we doing?”)

Content Level

(“I like the dollar menu at McDonalds.”)

SMALL TALK Exercise Select a NEW Partner

“A” and “B” introduce yourselves and talk about anything for 2-minutes.

% ofm, e/d

Self-MonitoringThe ability to monitor

your communication behavior

TOE

Technique1. Talk? Equal % of

time talking?

2. Open? Open face/

open mind? 3.

Enlarge? Enlarge or diminish other?

Let’s begin

Singles ConferenceThemes?

RelationshipsDatingMarriageCareerGodly Life StyleMinistry Dealing with Issues/SinCharacter DevelopmentFamily of OriginFinances/Debt

Your life on earth

let’s look/string

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest commandment.

And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

- Jesus Matthew 22:37-40

Fundamentals Skills for

Friendship

Friendly

Understanding

Nurturing

FUN

Three Questions:

How are you

doing?

Are you

saying…?

How can I

love you?

(12 Words)

Friendly “How are you doing?”

1. Welcoming Others

Smiling to Others

• Your SMILE is your most powerful invitation to conversation.

• People look to your FACE to assess your intention ---approach, stay, retreat. (80% of assessment)

• Only 1 in 3 people SMILE to strangers, yet 90% of strangers will RETURN a SMILE.

Approaching Others

• Three Relational MovementsIncrease distance (move away)Maintain distance (stay)Decrease distance (move towards)

• Most difficult behavior--taking the first step.

2. Asking Questions

Asking Questions of Others

• A QUESTION is the most powerful verbal invitation to conversation.

• Your QUESTIONS demonstrate your interest.

• Focus of attention is on the other person

• Only 1 in 7 people are skilled in asking questions during conversation with people they know.

Types of Questions

Closed -- require short responses

Open – require longer responses

Probing– asks for additional information

Examples of QuestionsClosed Do you have free time? Did you just get your hair cut?

Open

How are you doing? Why do you like retreats?

Probing

…so, what else do you like about retreats?

…and what other things do you like about Bob?

ASKING QUESTIONS Exercise Select a NEW Partner

1. “A” asks 5-open questions of “B” (begin: “How did you turn out so well?)

2. “B” asks 5-open questions of “A” (begin: “How did you turn out so well?)

3. Join with another couple (now 4)

CONVERSATION PARTY Exercise (if time)

1. On Card / first name, 2 questions

2. Pair up, switch cards, ask questions

3. Meta-communicate compliment

4. Move to new partner / repeat process

BREAK

Understanding

“Are you saying…?”

Poor Listening

• We verbally interrupt others every 12 seconds.

• We evaluate/give advice 80% of the time.

1. Leader 2. Follower

Don’t talkGo slowLook at followerHold still one time

Don’t talkFollow leaderStay w/in 2 inches

FINGER-FOLLOW exercise

1. Listening to Discover Listen without interrupting

(12 vs 120)

Listen to discover not to confirm

Non-Evaluative Listening ExerciseSelect new partner

A - talks for 2 minutes on the topic, “If I had six months to live.” (can pause)

B - listens (attentive/NO TALKING) Switch A and B roles

2. Mirroring— restating what you heard the speaker saying in YOUR OWN WORDS:

Are you saying…?Do you mean…?I hear you saying…

MIRRORING Mirror

Head Are you saying…? (Content )

HeartAre you feeling…? (Feelings)

Mirroring example Speaker Listener

“I could do these retreats forever.” “Are you saying you

want to attend again?”

“I don’t know if I’ll return next year.” “Do you mean you

didn’t enjoy the retreat?”

MIRRORING Exercise Select a NEW Partner

1. “A” talks about “My five life goals” (1.5 min) 2. “B” mirrors (Are you saying…?”) every 30-seconds on Randy’s signal

BREAK

Nurturing “How can I love you?”

Five Love

Languages*

Words

Time

Gifts

Service

Touch

* Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages

1. Words1. Compliment accomplishments

“Congratulations on your…”

2. Acknowledge effort“I’m proud of your effort

to…”

3. Praise character“I admire your honesty.”

4. Compliment “the invisible”“I appreciate that you

don’t…”

5. Express affection “I love you.”

COMPLIMENTING Exercise Select a NEW Partner

1. Introduce yourselves 2. Brainstorm 3 Rules of Relationship

3. Give 3 compliments to one another

2. Time

1. Time together Quality time, no

distractions

2. Time talking Sharing feelings,

deep disclosure

3. Time in shared activities Activities you both

enjoy (or other)

3. GiftsGift - is something you can hold

in yourhand and say he/she was

thinking of me.

1 . Gifts you make Poem, letter, cookies,

tokens, etc.

2. Gifts you buy Ring, clothing, tickets,

money, etc.

3. Gift of your presenceAttend special occasion

4. ServiceService – Doing things the

other person would like.

Running an errand, helping with a work task, taking out the trash, washing the car, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, paying the bills, baby-sitting, shopping, folding the clothes, pulling weeds, cleaning the windows, and a million other acts of service.

ACTS OF SERVICE Exercise Form groups of four (4)

1. Introduce yourself and share one act of service you enjoy having done for you.

2. As a group, brainstorm unique acts of service you give those you know.

3. Meta-communicate compliments to group.

5. TouchNonverbal Behavior – any

behavior that is not spoken or written.

Handshake, hug, hand on shoulder, massage, guiding behavior, kiss, and a hundred more…

Be sensitive to the cultural and personal boundaries of acceptable touching behavior. When it doubt, refrain.

Let’s review…

Fundamentals Skills for

Friendship

Three Questions:

How are you

doing?

Are you

saying…?

How can I

love you?

(12 Words)

Friendly

Understanding

Nurturing

FUN