LossLove Life

embrace lossfind love

choose life

Nicola Warwickthewholeself.co.uk

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Loss Love Life © 2010 Nicola Warwick

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If I lose myself, I save myself

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

ForewordLoss Love Life was conceived as a Post-It note on my wall some months ago. It was one of those projects that took on a life of its own and I was its facilitator.

Somewhere in those three little words was a task I was being given by those unseen hands that often guide us. Loss Love Life evolved in my head into a workbook, which is what you see now.

I use the term “workbook” loosely. Loss Love Life is partly a guide that will, I hope, demonstrate, through the various personal accounts of loss, the light at the end of the tunnel that eventually, and always, shines.

I am indebted and immensely grateful to the writers who have contributed to Loss Love Life. Not only have they given of their time to meet the relatively short deadline for publication, but they have also shared very personal accounts of significant losses in their lives. Each email that arrived in my inbox moved me enormously and I know that each story will move you too.

Without exception, each account told of deep loss but, most importantly, described the positive gifts that these transitions can bring.

The purpose of this workbook is to help you identify the gifts that can be found in the loss and changes of your own life, and take you a step closer to knowing your true self.

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The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination where a person gains what he did not have, or becomes what he is not. It consists in the dissipation of one’s own ignorance concerning one’s self and life, and the gradual growth of that understanding which begins the spiritual awakening. The finding of god is a coming to one’s self.

Aldous Huxley

The Brief

When I initially wrote to ask each contributor if they would consider taking part I sent them the following request:

1. Briefly outline a pivotal time in your life when you experienced a significant loss2. What lessons did you learn from that experience, and over what period of time did that happen?3. What was the positive outcome on your life and how were you transformed?

Loss Love Life is a compilation of writings about the power of loss, transition and change, and how life events can lead us down new and more authentic paths. I hope that by sharing these stories with you they will inspire you on your own journey to uncover your own truth.

Nicola Warwick, 2010

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You'll come to see that a man learns nothing from winning. The act of losing, however, can elicit great wisdom.

Uncle Henry, A Good Year

Loss Love Life – what’s it all about?Several years ago I started working on something called the whole self. Originally an idea for a creativity course, it evolved over the next few years until finally, last year, manifesting as a blog with the strapline “putting the soul into creativity”.

Somewhere along the way I began to write about loss and gradually learned that loss, in its many forms, can be the catalyst for some of our greatest life lessons.

I thought a lot about how the various losses I have encountered in my life have shaped me and been responsible, in many ways, for what I am doing now and, indeed, creating a workbook called Loss Love Life.

I started to look more closely at the whole process of loss. I discovered that we generally start at “the end”, not “the beginning”.

Without an ending it’s impossible to have a new beginning. One door has to close so that another can open somewhere. The old has to make way for the new. There’s a natural cycle of which we are a part.

I found that “the end” is often as a result of trauma, a major life change or death in its most profound sense. “Death” in some shape or form precedes a birth or rebirth. Think Renaissance.

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I discovered that we start at “the end”, not “the beginning”.

“The end” is frequently a trigger for change. Often we automatically resist change but we are asked to embrace it if we want to grow.

“The end” comes before “the beginning”

We come to “the end” when we are ready, consciously or unconsciously, to move forward. Sometimes we are catapulted into “the end”. In some instances we choose “the end”.

Part of the thinking behind the whole self was about achieving a balance of the three elements of mind body spirit. The whole always aims for balance and its objective is to align closer to the source or the soul or the divine, whatever you prefer to call it.

I was also reading a lot. And all of it was about the link between creativity and divinity. How creativity is a route to your soul, your spirit, your divine self.

So, how is all this connected to loss?

Ask many people about their experiences of loss and they will draw on the times in their lives when they faced hardship, trauma, uncertainty or the loss of a loved one. They will probably describe those times as the worst sort of times.

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Loss brings with it many gifts.

But loss brings with it many gifts. The greatest gift is the transformation that happens when we allow the experience to shape us and to understand the lessons that loss presents.

The writings included in this workbook are all testament to the gifts of loss. Yes, they talk of dark nights of the soul. But they also describe the light at the end of the tunnel and the coming to a deeper understanding of our self.

Going through loss and coming out the other side often gives us insight into our purpose in life. We finally understand what we are here to do.

Loss Love Life is about hope.

It’s about knowing deep down that, however difficult the current circumstances, there is always hope. There is always that light at the end of the tunnel.

Without exception we all experience loss in our lives at some time. Whether it’s the loss of a job, financial security, a loved one or a relationship, each loss brings with it an uncertain future. A future that we no longer know or one that we didn’t plan for. We’re in unknown territory and it rocks us to our foundations.

Conventional wisdom often directs us down a route where we scramble to re-establish the status quo, where we try to return as much as possible to what we had before. But the greatest gifts come to us when we allow the loss to shape us, to change us, to take us down to our lowest point and from there create a new future.

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Losses in our lives are designed to move us forward.

Losses in our lives are designed to move us forward. They are the kick in the pants we need to move to a new job or to a new relationship. They may manifest as an unwanted redundancy, the loss of a home or a loved one. But, one way or another, the universe will conspire to get us where we need to be so that we can grow and discover who we truly are.

Loss is an opportunity to move forward and to change our life for the better.

Losses, in some cases, can be what happen to us when we ignore the signs, when we don’t take action at the right moment. Instead of being proactive, we’re then forced to be reactive.

Whatever the loss, there are invariably many dark nights of the soul when it seems as though nothing will ever get better or be as it was before.

What I know

1. It will get better2. Nothing will be the same again

You will be changed by the experience, if you allow it to change you. You will excavate a deeper and more vulnerable part of yourself. And eventually you will find your own gift, whatever that gift is for you.

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Loss is an opportunity to change our life for the better.

1. Embrace loss

Take ten minutes to think back to a time when you went through a period of significant loss. Or perhaps you are going through loss and change now. Revisit your emotions at that time. Write down what you felt or what you are feeling.

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Look also at what happened afterwards. What were the gifts that came to you? How was your life transformed?

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This is a useful exercise to do at any time. Whether you’re in the midst of loss or change, or happily in a period of stability.

Keep your writing. Then you can look at it and use it as a route map during any dark night of the soul to remind yourself that everything will be fine.

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Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.

Marcus Aurelius

The Void

One of the hallmarks of a period of change, a transition or a significant loss is the void. It appears as a phase in our lives where nothing seems to happen, nothing seems to move forward. We can feel as though we have lost everything. Whatever it is that we have lost has created a gaping hole – a void.

For the time being we don’t know how to fill that void but we keep trying really hard to do just that.

In actual fact, this is counter productive. The purpose of the void is to let us sit there, to hibernate almost, to retreat. To take time to recover from our loss, to regroup and to heal.

It takes tremendous faith and trust to sit in the void and wait. To allow ourselves to heal and then be ready to move on.

The void is the loss of all things. The giving up of all things. It's returning to a point of no things. It's an opportunity to start again, to create a new future and a new beginning. The void is at the heart and soul of your authentic self.

Creativity also happens in the void. Imagine the artist’s white piece of paper or the writer’s blank page. They start with nothing yet out of that nothingness, they create.

Time in the void is time well spent. Even though we think nothing is happening, creation is taking place, imperceptibly.

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The void is loss of all things

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Seeds are being sown. Caterpillars are metamorphosising into butterflies.

Carolyn Rubenstein talks about her experience of the void:

To get to this point of enlightenment, I experienced months of darkness and deep depression that felt violent, like a never-ending storm cloud. I stopped sleeping and often felt hopeless.

You can experience the void in two ways.

The void presents an opportunity to clear out of your life the things that are holding you back.

Or, you can simply gaze into the void in order to create. The void allows you to link to your divine creativity.

Resist the urge to fill the void if you can. Have faith that it won’t last forever. Trust that it serves a purpose.

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The New is created from a void... from no-thing

This void is the period in which we learn to use, indeed are forced to learn to use, the most awesomely powerful tool that exists – TRUST.

Points of Power

Decluttering

When I first started decluttering I had no idea why I was doing it. But the urge to declutter frequently coincided with times of stress or trauma. Now, understanding more about the void and the need to have an end before you can have a beginning, to make space for something new, decluttering seems perfectly logical.

Decluttering is simply the act of making room for something new.

I’m not a Feng Shui expert but I know that decluttering does something magical. It changes energy. It clears out unwanted energy. It clears space. The process is nearly always cathartic.

Decluttering often takes place on a physical level. Clearing out material things that you no longer need, no longer like or that were just mistakes. At first when I started decluttering I didn’t understand the spiritual significance. Spiritually, less is definitely more.

By decluttering we create physical space but there is also an element of no longer being weighed down by our possessions. We create the psychic space for new things, new people and new ideas to come into our lives. A huge weight is lifted physically and emotionally.

At a time of loss, decluttering can often be one of the processes that creates a shift, that helps clear the path ahead of us.

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He is nearest to God who needs the fewest things.

Socrates

2. The Black Bin Bag Exercise

One of my favourite moments in a workshop is when I hand out the black bin bags! I ask everyone to take them home and fill them. Even if they symbolically only fill the one bin bag, a shift will start to happen.

Why not get a black bin bag now and fill it? It may be the start of a bigger decluttering project (so you’ll be needing a few more bin bags) or a smaller act of clearing a drawer or a cupboard.

What would you like to make room for?

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Where do you want to create space?

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How do you want a shift to happen in your life?

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1) Get clear - decide what you want2) Declutter - release what you don't want3) Choose - focus solely on what you want

Lauren Gorgo

3. The Gratitude Journal

When you’re in the middle of a situation where, frankly, you think things can’t get much worse, the last thing likely to be on your mind is gratitude. Imagine you’ve lost your job – what could you possibly be grateful for?

Gratitude acknowledges abundance which is exactly what you need in the midst of loss. Gratitude helps you sow the seeds for your future.

A gratitude journal is simply a notebook in which you write down five things every day for which you’re grateful. The five things don’t have to be anything major or flamboyant. They may be simple things like a good cup of tea, a pretty flower, a good night’s sleep.

Gratitude is really the act of saying thank you. It’s appreciating the small but important things and it gives us the chance to see just how much abundance we have. Start small.

Margaret Fuller talks about writing in a gratitude journal:

I have also found that keeping a gratitude journal is helpful, whereby I write down every day one thing in that given day that I can feel grateful for. Life is so full of wonderful things if we take the time to look and is always worth living.

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Gratitude is a quality similar to electricity: it must be produced and discharged and used up in order to exist at all.

William Faulkner

Margaret started by writing simple things. The clouds. A tree. But it began a process of healing and seeing things in a new light.

Michael Nobbs, in The Beany, Issue 4, also talks about gratitude:

Over the last few months I’ve realised I’ve so much to be thankful for, and it really is only necessary to have a tiny shift of consciousness to start to see things in a very different light. What’s more, the little tiny crumbs of joy build on each other, much like cleaning a little here and there has given me a sparkling home I enjoy to be in, being grateful for the small things, actively hunting from things to give me pleasure (and remembering what has made me happy in the past) starts a build-up of momentum which eventually seems to take on a life of its own.

Why not keep a small notebook by the side of your bed and every night before going to sleep jot down five things that you were grateful for that day?

Alternatively you can use some of the online tools or applications listed in the Tools section.

See how this simple process contributes to your healing.

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It really is only necessary to have a tiny shift of consciousness to start to see things in a very different light.

Michael Nobbs

Gratitude Tools

The Gratitude Journal iPhone/iPod Touch application from the Happy Tapper

Memiary, the weightless pocket diary

Gratitude Log, a website for logging and sharing your daily list

For further inspiration, you can also watch Mooji talking about the best mantra. Thank you!

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... you have set in motion an ancient spiritual law; the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.

Sarah Ban Breathnach

4. Photo Therapy

I’ve loved photography for as long as I can remember. Digital cameras revolutionized my photography making it a daily habit. It was a habit that became more important during the rough patches of my life.

I started to notice that I could forget about everything when I had my camera in my hand and I became engrossed in my photography.

Photography is a tool, to enable us to understand how we see the world, and also to enable us to connect to that part in us that brings us joy. Enhance your energy field with photographs. You may find it difficult to believe that photography is a form of energy reproduction and that every photograph contains energy. See for yourself by strategically placing photographs taken in moments of happiness, love and receptivity to spiritual help around your living quarters, in your workplace, in your car, and even on your clothing or in a pocket or wallet. Arrange photographs of nature, animals and expressions of joy and love in your environment and let their energy radiate into your heart and provide you with their higher frequency.

Wayne Dyer

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You live in a mansion: in every room there is a gift you carry. There is something of a gift in this room of the trauma, even so. You will learn the gift part by visiting there, not by living there only. Don’t let this one room (or ten others filled with crushing experiences) take over as 'the living room' of your life.

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Warming The Stone Child

What is photo therapy?

The official meaning of phototherapy is light treatment. Photo Therapy is slightly different.

As I noticed the impact taking photographs had on me I thought about it more and more. Not only was I out there, usually in the park, walking, but I was distracting myself from the other things that were going on in my life. I was providing a respite for myself and in the process I was also being creative.

There’s magic in creativity. There’s a distinct link between creativity and our divine selves. Creativity helps connect us to our source, to the highest part of our selves.

For photo therapy, you don’t need to be a great or an aspiring photographer. You just need a camera (digital if possible purely for the immediacy of seeing your photographs but film is fine, or even a mobile phone with a camera) and be willing to keep it with you and photograph what you see. (Equally, the therapy element applies to art or dance or your preferred creative activity).

Ideally take your camera for a walk. Nature is always good because it has its own healing qualities. And, simply take photographs of what you see. Sometimes a theme is helpful – try light and shade, small things, big things, animals, leaves – and create a collection of related subjects.

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There’s magic in creativity. There’s a distinct link between creativity and our divine selves.

Most importantly, see how the photography makes you feel. How did you forget yourself? Did you lose yourself in the photography?

Enjoy!

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What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the major achievement of your life.

Srully Blotnick

Embracing It All

This workbook is about three things.

Loss

The first is Loss which can often seem like the end of the world but, I believe, it can be the beginning.

What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the major achievement of your life

Srully Blotnick

Love

One of the people who had a profound impact on me was Canadian Terry Fox who, at the age of 18, was diagnosed with bone cancer resulting in his right leg being amputated six inches above the knee in 1977.

I saw a documentary about him a couple of years after he died which reported on his now famous fund raising run across Canada. Nearly 30 years later I still remember the impression that television programme made on me.

Like many people around the world, Terry was one who faced his own personal loss but used it to bring something special to the world.

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I have learned that some of the nicest people I’ll ever meet are those who have suffered a traumatic event or loss. I admire them for their strength, but most especially for their life gratitude - a gift often taken for granted by the average person in society.

Sasha Azevedo

The night before my amputation, my former basketball coach brought me a magazine with an article on an amputee who ran in the New York Marathon. It was then I decided to meet this new challenge head on and not only overcome my disability, but conquer it in such a way that I could never look back and say it disabled me.

Terry decided that he was going to face this new challenge in his life and, in the process, was going to help others who were ill with cancer too.

There are many others like Terry. His gift was an amazing legacy that continues today.

Life

Somewhere along the way as we emerge from our loss, life starts to happen for us again. Chances are it’s a life that’s changed from the life we previously knew. Because we have been changed by the process of loss.

Often we have a deeper understanding of our selves. We’ve walked through fire and come out the other side. We’ve experienced an enlightenment, an understanding of who we really are.

An important element of moving through loss is taking care of ourselves. In the midst of difficult situations the last thing we tend to remember is self-care.

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We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust

Jalad ad-Din Rumi

As we experience the different phases of loss and learn to accept ourselves more, we have the chance to experience a love that manifests as self-care.

Self-care is taking time to do the things that bring us peace, joy, happiness and relaxation. And these things are relatively simple.

A walk in a local parkListening to music that we loveEating food that we know is good for usA soak in the bathMeeting a friend for coffee

Initially, it sometimes requires discipline to start factoring in time for self-care. It’s an essential part of claiming who we are, what we want and, especially, what we need.

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Self-care is taking time to do the things that bring us peace, joy, happiness and relaxation.

The Contributors

Thursday’s Child

Julie Daley

Patti Digh

Margaret Fuller

Danielle LaPorte

Michael Nobbs

Carolyn Rubenstein

Andrea Schroeder

Kate Swoboda

Julie Jordan Scott

Dyana Valentine

Nicola Warwick

Eydie Watts

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It’s the losses, I believe, that move us forward the most

Lynne, humanbeingblog

The Butterfly Man

I was 27 when Bill died.

I’d lived and worked in London for almost ten years. I had a job I loved and a boss I looked up to. Bill was my first mentor. A kind man and universally respected, Bill combined a sharp business acumen with an understated approach.

Our company was associated with the French utility, EdF, and that year I traveled to Paris to work in their offices for a month.

I spoke to Bill each week although he often seemed to be unavailable. He still had his persistent hacking cough - he was a dedicated smoker. When I returned from Paris he was vague about not being in the office but asked me to drive down to his house with some papers.

I don’t think I had any inkling at that stage of what might be about to happen. Bill was sitting there, in the corner of the sofa.

Normally a tall man with a healthy figure he had aged twenty years, his hair had gone white and he had lost about a third of his weight.

I sat on the floor valiantly talking him through his paperwork although we both knew that it was a fiction.

Two weeks later he was dead.

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Nicola Warwick

Nicola Warwick is a photographer, Reiki Master, creativity coach and workshop leader. Nicola blogs about creative divine and photography at the whole self and she can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.

I don’t think I had any inkling at that stage of what might be about to happen.

Ultimately I lost my job as his assistant. I spent the next six months looking for a new role in London but, in the end everything conspired to make me move, lock, stock and barrel, back “home” to Manchester.

Looking back I probably didn’t appreciate the shock and grief I had gone through or the impact that Bill had and continues to have even now.

I just ploughed on regardless.

Like in the film “Sliding Doors”, without the loss of Bill my life could have had a very different ending. I could have continued working for Bill and stayed in London. But, ultimately, I am sure that eventually, whatever path we take, it does lead us to where we are meant to be.

After Bill died and I moved back home, a new path unfolded. There were other losses along the way. Many changes and transitions. I found that I had become stronger and more adaptable. Somewhere in my unconscious I understood that, invariably, a loss of a job or the loss of a relationship moved me on to something that was more what I needed. I learned to adjust to change. And there were to be many. The key was to embrace it all.

I discovered that change heralded new beginnings and although it could be a painful transition sometimes with many dark nights of the soul along the way, each one taught me about loss and how I am transformed by it. But, most importantly, I understood how it shows me who I really am.

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I found that I had become stronger and more adaptable.

P.S. A few days after Bill died I was in his office, clearing his desk. The building was empty. All the windows had been locked shut for days but flying around his office was a red butterfly. It seemed impossible that the butterfly should have got in. It seemed very symbolic. I unlocked a window and let it go. For some time afterwards I seemed to always have a butterfly nearby and, even now, whenever I see a butterfly, I think of Bill.

Nicola Warwick, 2010

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The Way Things Are3:50 am.Heart-broken. Heart bursting inside.Heart-searing pain. Heart ripped to shreds. Whose heart is this?

His heart is not beating. He is not breathing.He is not here.Wake-up. Wake-up. Things are different now. Wake-up. Wake-up. You are alive. He is dead, you are alive. You are still here. Wake-up.

Awake, my heart bleeds death From a red raw gash Where the-Way-Things-Are Reached in with its immense hand and Ripped my flesh right out From the middle of my slumber.

3:50 amHeart-broken. Heart bursting inside.Heart-searing pain. Heart ripped to shreds. Whose heart is this?

Wake-up. Wake-up!He is dying.You must save him. Wake up. Wake up!

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Julie Daley

Julie Daley is a certified professional coach, trainer and writer, with a focus on personal and business creativity, life transition coaching, and women’s leadership development. Julie blogs about wildly creative leadership at unabashedly female, and she can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.

He is not here.Wake-up. Wake-up.

There must be something you can do.Wake up!

My heart bleeds life whileHis heart bleeds death.

How could our two hearts, Tied together in love for so many (extra) ordinary days, Be entwined in this moment, Yet so violently parting forever,When the-Way-Things-AreReached in with its hand and Separated our flesh right outFrom the middle of our slumber?

3:50 am.Heart broken open. Heart-searing pain. Heart bursting inside. Heart alive.Whose heart is this?

Wake-up. Wake-up. He is not here.Wake-up. Wake-up. You are alive. You are living. You are awake.

Awake to a deeper place,My heart bleeds lifeFrom a red raw gash Where the-Way-Things-AreReached in with its hand and Loved my flesh right outInto the immensity of life.

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Heart broken open.Heart-searing pain.Heart bursting inside.

What is real? What is imagined?

When death comes suddenly, it is hard to know what is real and what is imagined. When right before your eyes your beloved goes from intense pain to complete silence, it’s hard to know…anything.

When Gary died, it was as if I no longer knew anything. I suppose shock was doing a great job at helping me navigate those moments right after; but, shock extended its stay.

Life as it was, there in those first moments and days, is blurry now. I’ve been trying to remember. I know I wasn’t there for my daughters in the way I wish I could have been. They were in shock, too. How I wanted to be present – able, articulate, stoic, and strong. I wasn’t. The world seemed unnatural. Unreal. Surreal.

It was as if I was Dorothy living in Oz. Life before was Kansas. Life now was Oz. But, here, in this Oz, all the characters looked the same as they did in Kansas. It was my life that was different. Their storylines were the same. Mine had changed. I was the one that couldn’t go home. My daughters couldn’t go home. We had no ruby slippers.

I tried to tell others how this felt, but I felt as if my words made no sense…most especially to me.

What is alive? What is dead?

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The world seemed unnatural. Unreal. Surreal.

Before Gary died, I thought I was alive. After he died, I knew I was finally alive. It wasn’t just the obvious comparison to the dying I had witnessed; it was the intense feeling of grief and pain I felt in my heart.

This was true aliveness. Sensations in the body that tell you, definitively, that you are indeed alive.

Aliveness isn’t a concept. It is an experience. It is real. The ideas of it what it is, like all ideas, are dead. There is no life in them.

I had been dead. Like many if not most of us, I had been in the day-in day-out sameness of life for many years. In this place, it’s easy to believe life will always be the same, predictable, pattern of events. It’s easy to believe in the surety of your own mind and the illusion of safety and sameness it conjures up on a minute-by-minute basis.

It took months to finally get that Gary was dead and I was alive.

It took years to finally get that Gary was dead and I was alive, and all of that was okay.

What is sleeping? What is dreaming? What is waking?

When the way things are turns direction on a dime, you wake up. You really see what is here. You are no longer sleep-swimming in the mind’s dream pool. You know you are in the sea, without a lifeboat.

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Aliveness isn’t a concept. it is an experience. It is real.

When ‘the way things are’ reaches in with its hand and loves your flesh right out of the dream and into reality, you find yourself in the immensity of life, the immensity of love. You come to know yourself as the ocean.

One of the most amazing gifts of Gary’s death was my awakening to life, to the truth of life, to the truth of what I am. From this place, creativity, awareness, and the capacity to truly love are gifts always flowing through existence. His death brought me alive.

Who am I? Without you? Who were you when you were here? Did I ever really know you?

So many questions filled my mind for a long, long time, after Gary died. Most especially, “Who am I?”

I remember distinctly, seven years later, realizing that I had identified with the label of ‘Widow’. I had unknowingly taken it on as a way to keep my beloved alive. I had found a way to stay connected to him. It wasn’t serving me. It was time to let it go.

We were married when I was seventeen. I hardly knew myself without him. In letting go of the roles, labels and connections to him, I finally found this self. And, I finally came to consider who he had been not in relation to me, but in his own right, as a man that had lived, loved and died.

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One of the most amazing gifts of Gary’s death was my awakening to life, to the truth of life, to the truth of what I am.

Sometimes I go to sleep. It’s okay. Eventually, Grace graces me with a wake-up kiss. I remember what I am. I feel alive, and in this feeling I experience gratitude for Gary’s life, for our moments together, for the beautiful daughters and grandchildren that are the most precious gifts of our years together.

And, I love again.

Julie Daley, 2010

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I remember what I am. I feel alive, and in this feeling I experience gratitude for Gary’s life.

The Night of Miracles

One true thing which I have found common to all, is that, when a bereavement occurs, be it sudden or unexpected, one can never really prepare for it. When a loved one is removed physically from our lives, the devastating aftermath of grief leaves a dreadful void for us all. No matter what the circumstances have been, we feel we will never reach that desired end of acceptance and, certainly, we know forgetting is not, or ever could be, an option.

Let me, after two and a half years of widowhood, attempt to describe my own particular experiences following the death of my husband, and the end of fifty three years of married life together. In the early days of bereavement, struggling to come to terms with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, loneliness would sweep over me, at the realisation that my husband was not coming back. Searching for answers, questioning my faith and beliefs, trying to accept all the well meant condolences of my friends, with grace, but feeling no comfort. In fact, nothing seemed to really take effect, as I struggled through each meaningless day in a haze of unreality, and worse still, facing each lonely sleepless night.

Many people will tell you that you never really get over the loss of your loved one, but that eventually, you learn to live without them. I would say that after these years, the bouts and the distance between each one has lengthened.

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Margaret FullerMargaret Fuller is a Reiki Master and a Reiki teacher. A keen musician she teaches piano, and is also an artist. Margaret is intuitive and provides guidance and support to others on their spiritual path.

What I used to class as “clichés” have now become reality. One in particular being “Time heals all things“ and it really does.

Feelings have not died, but have gone deeper and life seems to have come into sharp focus. My priorities have changed, in that certain things which seemed important before, no longer do. What I used to class as “clichés” have now become reality. One in particular being “Time heals all things” and it really does.

Each and every person is different in nature and the way we display and deal with our emotions and the traumas of life. Therefore I must speak from my own point of view when I say that the best way I found was to go out into the community, mingling with others, taking up a new interest preferably with other people where you are more likely to meet and talk with those who have travelled the same pathway before you. I joined forces with a friend of mine who was going through a painful family break up. As we were both musical, we decided to start a ladies choir, so we put out the word. Surprisingly, ladies came from all walks of life, and a number of them were widows, divorcees, all looking for, what I came to term as, “void fillers”. One realises that one is not alone in one’s grief and that there are many out there who have gone through the same experiences.

Subtle changes are occurring all the time. It is only when we look back that we know and feel in a different space than before and Yes!, I do now feel that healing is taking place at last. I have also found that keeping a gratitude journal is helpful, whereby I write down every day one thing in that given day that I can feel grateful for. Life is so full of wonderful things if we take the time to look and is always worth living.

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I have also found that keeping a gratitude journal is helpful, whereby I write down every day one thing in that given day that I can feel grateful for.

Of course, there will always be that moment that catches you unawares. A memory surfaces, you hear a tune which was special to you and your loved one. You come across an old photograph of happy former times and, of course, these are testing times.

I personally have now come to accept, that life, which we must all relinquish at some time or another, is a journey, a step along the way towards the soul’s growth, and that the world is the opportunity for us to learn and experience through our joy and sadness and, it is true, that through these experiences, we do gain strength and maturity.

After much soul searching, I decided to share with you a special experience I had shortly after my husband’s death. I have wanted to keep this to myself in the past, because of its personal and sacred meaning to me, but I now feel that by sharing it, others may find comfort.

I was having great difficulty erasing from my mind the dissipated appearance of my husband at death. What I was seeing, repeatedly, was not my husband as I had known him in life and it distressed me greatly. One particular night, which I now look upon as a “night of miracles”, I was struggling desperately again to sleep. Dozing, waking, tossing and turning, I felt most strongly that I must make an effort, a plea, a prayer, if you like, where I asked to be able to see my husband as I knew him before his death. After the prayer, I seemed to enter into a period of absolute stillness. The bedroom was in darkness.

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Standing in the light appeared my husband, Stan, illuminated in a body of light, looking wonderfully well.

As I lay there, in what I now describe as peaceful anticipation, a light began to form and grow around the bedroom door. I watched, transfixed, as the light seemed to be growing stronger. I was not afraid, for some reason. I just lay there, waiting, instinctively knowing that something was about to happen. Standing in the light appeared my husband, Stan, illuminated in a body of light, looking wonderfully well. He was smiling at me. No words were spoken. I only said in my mind, “Don’ t go”. He just kept on smiling, until gradually the vision seemed to break up and the room returned to normal.

When I think about that night, which I shall never forget as long as I live, I realise that it was out of my great love and need that enabled my prayer to reach its destination, so that my husband was able to home in on that energy link and breach the gap between our two worlds of Matter and Spirit. How wonderful is that and what a gift. Also, what a reminder of the power of prayer. After that night my own healing truly began. Anything is possible, and I hope that you will get some comfort from my story. Miracles do happen. Believe it. As strongly as I believe that our loved ones live on another plane of existence, vibrating at the speed of light and that it is on that plane we shall one day meet them again.

Margaret Fuller, 2010

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Miracles do happen. Believe it.

Metamorphosis

In order to become a butterfly, a caterpillar must fully dissolve within the chrysalis – a cocoon of protection. This dissolution or meltdown is the first and most difficult stage of change; however, while incredibly strenuous and distressing, it is the fundamental component of the transformation process. The metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly is akin to the role of loss within my own life.

In May 2008, my best friend, Matt, passed away after an arduous battle with cancer. For six months, I resisted grief. I would not allow myself to accept the loss. I became emotionally numb and was acknowledged by many for my resilience during this difficult time. This reaction actually was a survival mechanism that allowed me to persevere through the final stages of publishing a book on the very topic I was avoiding: how to experience life to the fullest even when we are faced with catalytic events such as death.

After finishing the book, aptly titled Perseverance, I no longer could avoid the grief that was buried deep within my soul. The Band-Aid was pulled off abruptly and the emotions were more raw than I could have imagined. I felt completely lost and uncertain about almost everything within my life. Nothing felt safe or "normal." Like a caterpillar, my identity dissolved completely. I mourned my old identity, the friendship that was lost, and began a period of intense soul-searching.

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Carolyn Rubenstein

Carolyn Rubenstein is an author; non-profit organization founder; authenticity advocate; blogger; believer in resilience, gratitude and respect; graduate student; and Spring co-conspirator. In her free time, Carolyn can be found blogging and tweeting with her tribe about all things inspirational. 

The metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly is akin to the role of loss within my own life.

During this time, I learned the significance of creating security for myself regardless of the circumstances – a personal cocoon. I sensed how important it was to let myself unfold without consequences or expectations. It was when I finally let go of the need to know now that I finally heard the whispers of my soul that for so long were muted. I felt a sense of freedom that never existed, a nonresistance to the present moment.

To get to this point of enlightenment, I experienced months of darkness and deep depression that felt violent, like a never-ending storm cloud. I stopped sleeping and often felt hopeless. I survived this time through the support of my fiancé, Ben, who walked into this darkness with me and never left my side. I also worked with great therapists and life coaches to learn new coping skills and maintain hope that the darkness would pass (which was difficult to believe, but something I realized was essential, regardless of how I felt). I grasped onto the mantra, "I don't know what is going on and that's okay."

With time and a great deal of work, the storm cloud subsided and I began to feel joy and anticipation. I was able to dream again. For a caterpillar, it is during this part of metamorphosis that the imago cells restructure within the liquid of the chrysalis to form the imago of the butterfly. After experiencing the complete dissolution of one's foundation, nourishing life becomes essential. We plant new dreams and our imagination is set free. The focus is inward, toward a time for reconnecting with our essential self.

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For a caterpillar, it is during this part of metamorphosis that the imago cells restructure within the liquid of the chrysalis to form the imago of the butterfly.

While this time no longer is characterized by darkness, pain still is experienced as it is throughout life; however, the pain is manageable and doesn't define one's identity. We feel safe, as we remain protected within the cocoon of our mind.

When we begin to turn our dreams into reality, we are very much like a caterpillar beginning to come out of the cocoon, weak and vulnerable. We struggle and make mistakes, which can feel incredibly difficult at first. But with experience, we learn to expect the unexpected and show up as our essential selves within the real world. It feels new and scary, as we are rebuilding our identity; however, we begin to live our vision. And it is then that we experience full flight, emerging as a butterfly, aware of our capabilities and no longer afraid to live and love wholeheartedly.

Carolyn Rubenstein, 2010

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With experience, we learn to expect the unexpected and show up as our essential selves within the real world.

the goddess of grief: getting to the other side. and there is always another side

"Grief can make a liar out of you because there is a disconnect between how you feel, and how you think you're supposed to behave." This was Maria Shriver's intro to her heart-gripping talk at the 2009 Women's Conference. I stumbled across the live telecast. The topic: Grief, Healing & Resilience. Interesting topic for a conference. That's kind of pushing it, I thought.

Then Marissa tweeted about grief catching her off guard. Ronna wrote about the barn burning down, and Emma started thinking about death - a lot. Kelly riffed about endings because she was inspired by Lianne philosophizing about "something dying to be born." Guess the death thing is up for the sistahs this season, I thought.

And then I went to a Transformational Speaking workshop with Gail Larsen - which is really group therapy disguised as enlightened toastmasters (and one of the best learning experiences I've had.) Gail spread out a large quilt on the floor with the cycles of life stitched in a big circle. She calls it the Journey Well Wheel. "Stand or pull your chair to where you think you are at this time of your life," she instructed. Easy, I thought, I'm here, at the Seek Support-Experiment-Emerge stages. Just before which is Grief and Letting Go.

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Danielle LaPorte

Danielle LaPorte writes and speaks about authenticity and entrepreneurship at White Hot Truth. A strategic and intuitive business advisor, Danielle conducts Fire Starter Sessions one to one or in groups. Danielle has recently launched The Fire Starter Sessions, a digital book for entrepreneurs. Danielle can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.

Guess the death thing is up for the sistahs this season, I thought.

But no matter how I tried to stay in my place, my chair mysteriously kept eeking toward the grief zone. Like a ghost was pushing me - away from the lie, toward the white hot truth. Black as it was.

LAST YEAR, I DIED

I handed over the keys to the studio/office I'd help to fill with staff, laptops and artwork - to the company that had my name on the door, on the parking stall, on the book, the domain name, the shareholder certificates. Passwords were changed. Computers stripped. Lawyers retained. The CEO I was so wise to hire was given the go ahead to change the business model - and the new strategy didn't include very much of me. I was out.

A few months after my, uh, departure, I was scrolling through Craigslist looking to buy a new desk and came across a desk that I loved - no wonder, it was my desk - my former desk. And that is how I found out that the company was having a going out of business sale. The company was divided up and auctioned off - the book, the intellectual property, the website. Sold to the highest bidders. It was over, except for major bank debt, for which I was partly personally liable.

I'm feline by nature - a gold medalist in Landing On My Feet. This year: I launched WhiteHotTruth to a great reception (a thousand thank yous to each of you for being here.) I did Fire Starter groups in about sixteen cities.

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The new strategy didn’t include very much of me. I was out.

I've worked with nearly one hundred Fire Starter clients. Shot a demo reel for a new TV show that I could star in. Spoke on some very big stages. Scored a gig as commentator of a national prime-time TV show. Gave dozens of interviews. Wrote a book proposal. Outlined two more books, and have strategized a content and collaboration roll out for 2010 that has me ablaze with more artistic joy than I have ever experienced. Creative sovereignty rocks. Hard.

Those are the facts. Facts can disguise grief...only for so long.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler's legendary Five Stages of Grief applies just as much to the death of dreams and identity as it does to people: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It's brilliant, compassionate, and whole, like a Goddess.

Grief is one of the most powerful Goddesses. She swallows your agony and lets it tear her apart. Beautiful birds fly from her belly - each one an insight into life and your power. Grief brings the whole flock to your window and she waits and waits to reveal universal truths to you. She goes to the depths with you. She rises with you.

Grief won't rest until you swallow the medicine she made especially for you, and tell her your story of death...and life.

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Grief is one of the most powerful Goddesses.

How to absorb the medicine of grief

1. Grief messes with your focus. When she's tap-tap-tapping on the door of your consciousness, it becomes difficult to concentrate. You're not sure what the priorities are, not sure where to put your attention, and when you do put it somewhere, it slips off easily. Time does not feel fresh, it feels a bit stale. Launching new things feels awkward, subtly inappropriate.

Give your self space to meander, aimlessly. Aim less. Under achieve. Be confused. As Nietzsche said, "You must have confusion in your heart to give birth to stars." You are giving birth to a new reality. It takes tremendous resources. Healing hurts before it feels right.

2. Grief is patient. Grief may operate on a time-release capsule system. She'll let you be busy and distracted for a long period of time before she descends. She respects survival mechanisms and the necessities.

So go ahead and throw yourself into work or hobbies. Just know that...

3. Denying grief her power squelches your vitality. You can dream and laugh and march on, but until you swallow the bitter tea that Grief has brewed, things won't be as vibrant or grounded as they could be. And that's half dead.

Recognize where you are numb. Notice the memories that ouch the most. This is the beginning of response-ability.

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Accept that you'll never be the same. Trauma marks you. Embrace how much more dimensional you've become.

4. Grief crystallizes in your body. The medicine will get stuck in your muscle memory and joints. It needs to circulate and be digested.

You have to dance grief to the surface. Stomp. Rock. Stretch. Move without your intellect getting in the way. Keep moving.

5. Grief thinks scars make for great tattoos.

Accept that you'll never be the same. Trauma marks you. Embrace how much more dimensional you've become.

6. Like Bindu just reminded me, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." (Maya Angelou). Grief needs to hear your story told.

Speak it out to a sacred listener. Be witnessed. And then...

7. Tell a new story, one that includes the description of how you healed. The Goddess of Grief's favourite word is Goodbye. You can smile when you say that.

Danielle LaPorte, 2010

Reprinted with permission from white hot truth by Danielle LaPorte

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Tell a new story, one that includes the description of how you healed.

What is this?

When my daughter died, my goal oriented, personal growth focused self had the mistaken notion this whole grief experience shouldn’t take me very long. I remember distinctly sitting in my therapists office saying I was disappointed in myself for not getting over it faster: it had been thirty days, why was I still feeling so upset?

Our society tells us a person who is grieving is “doing well” when she has a “stiff upper lip”. We would rather hold back strangling knots of unsprung tears in our throats than to express the deep ache and uncertainty we feel in many of those early days, weeks and months. It even feels bad to laugh and be happy because we are so wobbly in the intensity of our emotions yet these are not things the average person talks about publicly.

In the twenty years since I sat in that therapist’s office lamenting my too-long-grief period, I have dashed the “societal rules of grief” repeatedly.

I say grieving well is beautiful tears, furrowed foreheads, frowns and wails which rise from our gut and pulse through our mouths. Active grief many times comes out of our mouths in symphonic prayer that emptiesus from deep inside, allowing even more beauty to come in and fill those now emptied spaces.

Here, let me tell you another story, so you may see, too.

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Julie Jordan Scott

Julie Jordan Scott is a Writer, Life Coach, Poet,Speaker, Actor, Director and Mom Extraordinairewhose deepest passion is helping people -like you - discover and live with passion.

Julie blogs at Julie Unplugged and tweets.

It had been thirty days, why was I still feeling so upset?

It’s like this:

I've lost so much of what I used to label "not losable" that I am adept at loss. I am adept at hang gliding into the feeling of freedom when my muscles release and I allow myself to sink into the loss and nose dive, free form, into freedom.

Maybe that's what my soul was saying the moment my brother John died. I was only thirteen-months-old when John was born with Downs syndrome. We shared a language-free connection. To me, he was just another brother to love. He became my treasured life-mate. Moments after John died, we zoomed out of our bodies – separately and together. I sought freedom from my skin. I was his protector, no one else knew him like I did. I had to go.

I tasted a split second of freedom from all of those finite realities of living in a body before being shoved back into my skin, back into covering my bones, my organs, inhabiting this noisemaking organism as I heard animal-like sounds bursting from that space that begged to be flying, free-form, toward my brother once again.

I wasn't prepared for the lurch of freedom's insistent call. I was folded back into my body with an experience of the words, "Not yet".

They were spoken yet they weren't heard, they were known. Agreement came through my heart, longs and my sobbing voice.

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I was folded back into my body with an experience of the words, "Not yet".

My children, who witnessed the entire process, saw as my head nearly slam into the steering wheel when I returned to my body yet somehow, I was physically unscathed.

Each layer of my skin vibrated with me being alive.

It took me more than a year, this time, to become comfortable in my skin again.

Sometimes when we grieve deeply it feels as if we are offering our veins for slicing. Sometimes we think it would be easier to not feel so deeply, to not risk the pain of grief by choosing not to live or love passionately.

Do not risk this tragedy. Live and love with passion no matter what circumstance you face. When you do, you learn the most important truth of the griever.

There is something sacred in the discovery and recognition that the end of life is a beginning all its own, just like the end of a cycle of grieving is another beginning. There comes a time when we stop grieving for what we lost or what we could have had and instead become curious about what is.

Even in the early stages of grief, using the simple question, “What is this?” will aid the griever in both expressing the emotions and feeling into the loss and also into whatever is present both in the loss and outside of the loss.

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There is something sacred in the discovery and recognition that the end of life is a beginning all its own.

A simple follow up question, “What is up with my thoughts and feelings in relationship to this?” will pave the way to continued awareness.

Twenty years ago I lamented the thirty days I had invested in grieving. Now I celebrate the gift of loss, of grief, of passionate feeling. If you had told me that then, I might have hit you.

Now, though, I know it simply is what it is, uniquely for me.

What is this gift of grief for you?

Freedom even for a split second amidst what should have been - and indeed, at times still feels like unbearable loss - taught me that and much more is still unfolding and making itself known.

Julie Jordan Scott, 2010

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I celebrate the gift of loss, of grief, of passionate feeling.

The Finite Life

On 29th February 2008 my mother died. Her death has had a deep effect on the shape of my life over the last two years or so, as I’ve been working on coming to terms with it, and dealing with what has probably been a bit of a mid-life crisis (not a bad thing according to Jung!) brought on by my suddenly confronting my own mortality.

At the time of her death, I had just turned 40 and was working at completing my MA and teaching part-time in the same school of art I was studying in. I'd come to a career in the arts late in life; I was diagnosed with ME/CFS back in 1997 and had lost most of my 30s to illness. I already felt like I was playing catch-up, trying to develop an academic and art career alongside one another. As I finished my MA in a blur of grief, I was offered more teaching work and the chance to study for a PhD. I almost accepted.

In the quiet that descended at the end of the academic year I was finally able to stop and take stock. Life felt finite, both a scary and a beautiful thing, and suddenly it felt like I needed to make some choices; it seemed very important just get on with the things I wanted to get done, and even though the state of my health meant I had limited resources of energy, it seemed like I just needed to focus and get on with what felt important.

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Life felt finite, both a scary and a beautiful thing.

Michael Nobbs

Michael Nobbs is an artist, blogger and tea drinker (not necessarily in that order). He regularly publishes The Beany, an illustrated journal of his life, and blogs, tweets and podcasts about drawing and trying to keep things simple.

That's what I've been doing for the last 18 months or so. From my studio at the bottom of my garden I've been drawing and writing and blogging. I've learned to say "no" a lot to the superfluous and through my blog I'm encouraging other people to do the same. I am finally pursuing what's important to me.

Michael Nobbs, 2010

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I’m finally pursuing what’s important to me.

Making SenseIt was Winter, December 2005 and I wasn’t expecting it. None of us were – three grown women and one grown man standing round a hospital bed whimpering like small children at the sight of our mother, vibrant with life the day before, suddenly locked in to a wretched state of being in which the only way was down and out.

“This,” said my brother-in-law a few days later as he held up a family photo album, “this is now priceless”, words I relayed to my then partner who, confusingly, had taken no photos of any of his family with the camera I’d bought him two years previously. “Do you see now?” I asked him. “Do you see now why photos are so important?”

Ironically, I myself did not own a camera at the time but that Christmas, ten days after my mother’s funeral, my then partner rectified this. Given that the relationship was in the same sorry state that our house was in at the time, I smiled broadly at the thought he’d given to this gift, despite our dissolving happiness and increased anger and frustration with each other. The first picture I took was of one of my sisters on Christmas Day and was horrified when I saw the image on screen. I thought we’d held it together that Christmas amongst jolly laughter, wrapping paper and champagne but her eyes, large in her pinched, white face, looked like shattered windows. I hadn’t seen it but the camera had.

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Thursday’s Child

A gardener and writer, Thursday can most often be found in combat trousers and muddy boots, and can draw a cross-section of true secondary thickening in dicotyledonous stems. Thursday takes photographs and blogs at Thursday’s Child.

Do you see now why photos are so important?

I started taking pictures of anything, everything, everyone and started a blog. I felt frenzied, trapped in a hated house, a failing relationship and insurmountable grief at the loss of my mother.

“I hate my life” I told my partner, “It makes no sense.”

“Then change it” he said, with simplicity that, at the time, I found despairing. I looked for my mother everywhere and came as close as I could to finding her in my garden. Despite the winter cold, I went outside as often as possible, largely to get out of the chaotic, ripped apart house, and found solitude and presence amongst the signs of new growth. I’d sit on cold steps with hot tea and dream of a happy home somewhere and a vegetable patch.

A year, virtually to the day after I’d last seen my mother alive and well, I drove through a beech wood that glowed coppery bronze in the winter sun and came face-to-face with Joe Brown for the first time although we’d been looking at each other’s pictures for some months beforehand and he’d read my then blog. Three months later, I left my ex and by midsummer, the loveless, unhappy house had been sold. By then, my gardening tools had already been at Joe Brown’s for some time. I followed days later.

It’s four and half years since my mother died and my life is hugely different now. A camera and a blog brought me to Joe Brown and I have many others, including my unknowing ex, to thank for this.

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I hate my life. It makes no sense.

My need to be outside to try and find my mother has eased the grief and led to a vegetable patch in my garden, a horticultural qualification and a way of earning a living. Events and actions have brought me to a place physically and in myself in which I feel more at ease and true to myself than I ever have. Four years ago I said that I hated my life and that it made no sense. Now? I love my life and it makes perfect sense.

Thursday’s Child, 2010

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I love my life and it makes perfect sense.

The Lesson of Letting Go

My loss might sound a bit odd, but it was a pivotal turning point in my life.

When I was twenty-five, I was out for a run one afternoon and something in my foot felt “off” so I sat down for a moment to rest. When I stood up, pain shot through my foot and I limped home.

I thought it was temporary at first, but then days turned into weeks, into months, into years, and I could not walk normally, or without pain. I literally went from being a completely “normal” person who was very active, a runner, a city explorer, someone who felt fearless in her body, to not being able to stand for long periods of time, and limping. Then, because I was limping so much, my hips went out of alignment, and from sitting so much, my lower back began to hurt. No one knew what had happened—how I had hurt myself, or how to fix it. I saw doctors, specialists, therapists. I spent a lot of time thinking back about that one day—how if I’d known that day that it would be the last day that I would be able to walk normally, I would have appreciated walking so much more. I felt an enormous amount of grief at the way my entire lifestyle was so suddenly changed.

What did I learn?

First, I look back now and realize that life in general was asking me to slow down. The day that I hurt my foot, I’d come back from a job interview in which I was quite sure I’d done poorly.

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Kate Swoboda

Kate Swoboda is a life coach, teacher, and writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area. She supports women from around the world in making powerful choices and rocking out their lives (side note: this involves a lot of courageous laughter, love, acceptance, and not taking ourselves too seriously). When she’s not writing, leading retreats in Italy, or connecting with other courageous women, she can be found sipping chai in libraries, buffing up on her Italian, taking photographs, or getting all bendy-stretchy on the yoga mat.

Learn more at Your Courageous Life. Kate can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.

I was feeling depressed and rather than sitting with my feelings, I’d gone home and decided to go for a run to forget.

At that time in my life, I was perpetually taking on more than I could handle; I was constantly stressed; I was prone to getting a lot of colds each year. The experience of losing the ability to walk, and the subsequent physical pains that arose from that injury, forced me to slow down, and to ask for help.

Second, I needed to learn the lesson of surrender. Several well-intentioned people said to me during that period that I might ease some of the suffering around this if I were to let go and have acceptance. I would respond, frustrated, “I already tried letting go, and it didn’t work!”

I smile at myself to think of that, now, because of course letting go/acceptance is not something you “try.” Surrender to what is, is a choice that you make.

I learned a really valuable lesson about letting go when I finally did get to a place where I just accepted that I had this foot injury, and asked: how would I move on with my life?

It was only when I hit that place—after two years—that someone said, “Hey, I know this guy.” And it turned out that this “guy” was a doctor who knew how to fix the type of injury that I had. I believe that it was not until I’d fully surrendered that the Universe at large was going to deliver the next step.

So this was a third lesson: letting go creates flow.

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Of course letting go/acceptance is not something you “try.” Surrender to what is, is a choice that you make.

Finally, I learned about the power of my own mind. The doctor fixed my foot and I would be better for awhile, and then I’d experience pain. An MRI revealed that absolutely nothing was out of alignment with my foot and that even the tissues showed no sign of damage.

Something clicked for me and in that moment I made a decision that I was not going to carry this injury for the rest of my life; I was ready to let it go. I began taking a walk every day and reciting, “With every step I take, my foot gets better and better.” I was absolutely committed to the idea that if I did not choose to experience any more foot pain, I would not experience it any more.

Today, I feel an enormous amount of gratitude for having had an experience that, at the time, involved a lot of suffering. I make self-care a daily practice. I’ll step into the challenge of saying “no” to taking on more than I can handle. I listen to my body.

While I am human and still have a lot of feelings and attachment surface when things don’t go the way I want them to, I still carry the lesson of letting go with me, and am much quicker to ask myself how I can just be in acceptance of what is, of my journey, of other people’s choices. I’m really glad that when traditional Western medicine couldn’t address my injury, I started to look at other options, because it was from that place that I began questioning things like how my food choices affected the planet, and pulling chemicals from my medicine cabinet, and getting into the power of the mind. I have so much more compassion for people who are differently-abled or dealing with disease or illness.

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I make self-care a daily practice.

I do not take my body for granted anymore. And it is really exciting to share that I am now fully active in my body. I walk normally. I run again! I have zero foot pain. When I was ready to transform, I transformed, and it is really powerful to see that kind of capability in myself. I honor the experience.

Kate Swoboda, 2010

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When I was ready to transform, I transformed.

Stepping into MyselfI recently lost my grandmother.  At the age of 89, she was still healthy and strong.  Given the state of her health and how she was actively enjoying life, and that her mother lived well into her nineties, I really fully believed I had at least ten more years with her.  Then she collapsed while out shopping one morning and was taken to the hospital.  I packed up my knitting and drove to the hospital, ready to spend the day keeping her company.  I was not ready for what happened when I arrived.  She was completely unresponsive and unable to breathe on her own.  We were told she would not ever recover but the doctors had no sense of exactly how long she would live - if it would be hours or days.

She passed away five days later.  And my life was shook up.  To lose a grandmother at the age of 36 doesn't seem like a tragedy and yet on the inside it felt huge.  I had my mind telling me "She lived a good long life and it was her time" while my heart just wept and my body became overwhelmed by the stress of my grief.  I wasn't able to carry on with my regular life, I found I needed to give my grieving process the time and space it needed.  Including the time when I was with her in the hospital, I spent three weeks in that state.

In being willing to be fully present with the loss and with my grief I was able to move through it and allow the situation to transform me.  It feels like too often we hold our grief at bay but then it just sits there, and we just sit there, untransformed and weighed down.  I dove into the experience of it and found freedom there. 

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Andrea Schroeder

Andrea Schroeder is a creative goddess who spends her days pouring magic, sparkles and secret messages into her creative work, infusing everything she does with reminders of what an incredible being you really are, and what incredible things you really are capable of.

She does this because her mission is to remind you of your real creative power. She believes in dreams.  She believes in magic.  She believes that you are a creative genius and you can create *anything*.

Andrea blogs about creative magic at ABC Creativity, and she can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.

In being willing to be fully present with the loss and with my grief I was able to move through it and allow the situation to transform me.

The grief shifted into a right of passage and I found myself, for the first time in my life, feeling like a grown up.  I am no longer someone's grandchild.

And I found myself stepping into myself more fully.  It felt like some ties that had been holding me back were cut.  I hadn't even know that I'd felt restricted by some family values and ideals that didn't hold true for me.  But now, now that I have no grandparents, I feel freer to be who I am in a way that I can't quite put into words.  I never felt restricted in any way by my grandmother.  She loved and supported me and was proud of everything I did.  This goes deeper than that somehow, somewhere deep in my unconscious.

Since then, I live with a new strength and have been moving forward swiftly and confidently.  I am no longer a child playing at life, I am a grown woman, living and creating her dreams.

Andrea Schroeder, 2010

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I live with a new strength and have been moving forward swiftly and confidently.

In Conversation with Dyana Valentine

Where Dyana and Nicola talk about Loss Love Life on video.

Part 1: The Cosmic Collar Grab

Dyana talks about signs, the cosmic collar grab and the opportunity to go back to ground zero.

Watch on Vimeo or download.

Part 2: Being Available

We discuss disempowerment, making ourselves available and how loss asks us the question: what are you doing on the planet?

Watch on Vimeo or download.

Part 3: What Do You Need?

Dyana shares her love of stationery and we speak about asking for what you need when dealing with loss.

Watch on Vimeo or download.

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Dyana Valentine

Dyana Valentine is an instigator who helps self-starters become self-finishers. Dyana is a facilitator of your goodness and competence. Dyana blogs and she can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.

An account of loss wherein I revisit the past

My garden. The irrational exuberance of late spring. Forty rose plants are covered in a glorious riot of blooms. The early evening air is suffused with the intoxicating scent of peonies, lilacs, mock orange, early clematis, late tulips, dogwood and flowering cherry. This is the thing. I am not actually there. It is no longer my garden.

May 2005

I am sitting on the front steps of the beautiful, beloved home that has sheltered my five children and me the past eleven years mulling over my options. I no longer have the career I had dreamed of and worked hard for. It ended abruptly eight months earlier after a dismal failure in judgment. I haven’t found another job. My savings are almost gone. I face the facts. I have to sell the house. What I don’t yet know is that I’m about to be named a defendant in a personal injury lawsuit.

Three months later

My cherished home belongs to someone else. I am living in a rundown rental in a little mountain town. All the equity from the house is going to pay off debt, legal fees, and living expenses. I find a minimum wage, part-time job tending a small nursery and used bookstore. It barely pays for gas.

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Eydie Watts

Eydie Watts is an ICF certified professional coach who knows what it is to have life change in the most stunning of ways. A wise and deeply intuitive listener, Eydie’s clarity of vision brings clients to the place where they can transform their own grief and loss into powerful life-affirming outcomes.

Eydie blogs about the joyful life at Accept Joy, and tweets under @eydiewatts. In addition to her coaching practice, Eydie leads programs and workshops on the soul centered life at Second Wind, a young, vibrant, inspired spiritual resource center located in the Mission District in San Francisco.

My cherished home belongs to someone else. I am living in a rundown rental in a little mountain town.

Two years hence

I am beside myself with grief and crippling anxiety. All my training can’t touch it. I’m 52 and think I may have to go live with my parents. Lawyers’ fees keep mounting. I file for bankruptcy. I am laid off from the bookstore. The lawsuit will last forever.

Summation

Before it was over, I was broke. I went years without health insurance. My entire belongings fit in two tiny storage units. I lived with friends and paid bills with the little I received from two part time jobs. My large home, material possessions, savings, retirement funds, my reputation, my name, my identity -- everything that represented security to me was gone. I was swamped in loss and grief. Even though I was planning to the future I couldn’t let go of the past.

Somewhere in the transformative breakdown that precedes a breakthrough, a teacher casually remarked, “Eydie, maybe it’s time to accept joy“. Boom. Into the present. Into the moment. I had everything I needed to live in joy.

The Lesson

This is what I know for sure. Spirit calls us to wholeness no matter what.

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Maybe it’s time to accept joy.

In The Heart Aroused, David Whyte writes “For the personality, bankruptcy or failure may be a disaster; for the soul it may be grist for its strangely joyful mill and a condition it has been secretly engineering for years”. There is a strange comfort in that comment. It makes sense of the inexplicable. My soul is here to experience joy.

Present time

I am looking at photos of a small garden outside my next apartment in San Francisco. My life is filled with friends, love, adventure, and spiritual community. I am doing work that fills me with joy and transforms lives. Now I choose to let “stuff” go. There is freedom in traveling light.

Rumi – “The soul exists for its own joy”.

Accept.

Eydie Watts, 2010

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My life is filled with friends, love, adventure, and spiritual community.

Out of death, a voiceSometimes death is the source of new life.

Two deaths have shaped my life.

On May 12, 1980, my father died. I was 19 years old; he was only 53, an age that looks younger and younger each year, as I near it myself, and as many of my friends pass that milestone. Thirty years later, I am still circling around the hole his death left in my life, learning from it, acknowledging it, grieving it.

Fast forward 23 years to 1993. My stepfather was diagnosed with lung cancer on a bright October day, and died just 37 days later. It was this time frame that shocked and stunned me. On day 38, I woke up and asked myself, “What would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live?”

It was this question that changed my life.

Having written two successful business books, I stepped into my own voice, not my professional voice, for the first time. I knew if I had 37 days to live, I would spend that time writing down my stories for my two daughters, to leave behind for them a sense of me as a full person and not just a mom. To tell them who I am, what I fear, what I’ve screwed up on, what I’m proud of in my life.

To tell those stories truthfully, transparently, wholly, and with no intention but the telling.

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Patti Digh

Patti Digh is the author of the award-winning blog, 37days.com, and the bestselling book, "Life is a Verb." She has two new books coming out in the fall of 2010: "Four-Word Self-Help: simple wisdom for complex lives" and "Creative is a Verb: If you're alive, you're creative."

Most importantly, she is a mom.

What would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live?

The gift my stepfather gave was enormous. To watch his death, and to know the end… to step into my own skin, to own both the bright and dark parts of myself, to learn who I am through writing my stories… a gift immeasurable.

Two years after my stepfather’s death, I started my blog, 37days, to catalog and capture the stories I was writing for my two daughters. A publisher approached me two years after that, asking if I’d like to create a book based on 37days. And in that way, five years after his death, my stepfather’s journey continues to change my life. My book, “Life is a Verb,” and my blog, 37days, have become the fulcrum around which I have learned to wake up, be mindful, and live intentionally.

Loss became living became love.

Patti Digh, 2010

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Loss became living became love.

Reading for the Soul Style Statement – Danielle LaPorte Life is a Verb – Patti Digh Perseverance - Carolyn Rubenstein The Beany - Michael Nobbs The Artists Way – Julia Cameron Finding your Own North Star – Martha Beck The Power of Intention – Dr Wayne W Dyer The Art of Extreme Self-Care - Cheryl

Richardson Messiah’s Handbook – Richard Bach Ten poems to change your life – Roger

Housden Notes from the Universe - Mike Dooley eat pray love - Elizabeth Gilbert The Creative Habit - Twyla Tharp Something More: Excavating Your Authentic

Self – Sarah Ban Breathnach When Everything Changes Change

Everything – Neale Donald Walsch The Dark Side of the Light Chasers – Debbie

Ford The Woman’s Comfort Book – Jennifer

Louden

For your Journey

Unravelling – Susannah Conway 30 Days of Yoga – Marianne Elliot Mondo Beyondo – Jen Lemen and Andrea

Scher

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The Whole Self

I'm a photographer, Reiki Master, creativity coach and workshop leader.

My journey over the last few years has been to connect to my authentic self or source - something I call creative divine. Part of my soul purpose is to help others do the same, putting them on a path to achieve their dreams and goals.

I help people connect to their own creative divine through one to one coaching and a series of workshops.

You can read my blog, the whole self, to follow my journey and read about my photography.

You can follow me on Twitter. I love Twitter! It's the starting point for news, updates and workshop details.

You can also connect with me on Facebook.

If you prefer, drop me an email.

If you would like to receive email updates with workshop dates and information, event details or the latest news on my projects, please sign up for my newsletter.

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