Contents

Part1Misadventure

AToast!XsandOsADangerousRecipeJustFriendsWhenIgnoranceIsBlissHeartontheLineSeaofStrangersArtandBooksAVoyageAThank-YouNoteAnEndearingTraitHisWordAWell-DressedManAStrangerWallflowerRollercoasterHisCauseandEffectLostandFoundAfraidtoLoveTheWanderer

Part2TheCircusofSorrows

CircusTownATimelineInTwoPartsABadDayRoguePlanets

ClosureAQuestionAWayOutLostThingsABetrayalAfterYouAReverieLettingHimGoTheThingsWeHideLoveLostTimeTravelersASmallConsolationAnImpossibleTaskTheKeeperSadSongsJealousyWakingwithoutYouThatDayTheGirlHeLovesALover'sPastBeauty'sCurseDeadButterfliesWishfulThinkingAHeavyHeartSavingYouAnAnswerSwanSong

Part3Love

FirstLoveHeandISundayswithMichaelMorningswithYou

SoulMatesAFairyTaleAlwaysADreamBeforeThereWasYouBeautifulAllorNothingSomeTimeOutSoulsSoloShowTheFearofLosingYouEbbandFlowWritteninTrafficAngelsGoldenCageLoveLettersCodependencyCanyonsATimeCapsule

ForMichaelThehalfofthisbook—thewholeofmyheart.

ADedication

Shelendsherpen,tothoughtsofhim,thatflowfromit,inhersolitary.

Forsheishispoet,Andheisherpoetry.

Part1Misadventure

AToast!

Tonewbeginnings,infearandfaithandallittinges.

Toloveisadare,whenhopeanddespair,aregatesuponithinges.

XsandOs

Loveisagameoftic-tac-toe,constantlywaiting,forthenextxoro.

ADangerousRecipe

Tolovehimissomething,Iholdhighlysuspicious.

Likehavingsomething,soverydelicious—thenbeingtold,todothedishes.

JustFriends

IknowthatIdon'townyou,andperhapsIneverwill,somyangerwhenyou'rewithher,Ihavenorighttofeel.

Iknowthatyoudon'toweme,andIshouldn'taskformore;Ishouldn'tfeelsoletdown,allthetimeswhenyoudon'tcall.

WhatIfeel—Ishouldn'tshowyou,sowhenyou'rearoundIwon't;IknowI'venorighttofeelitbutitdoesn'tmeanIdon't.

WhenIgnoranceIsBliss

Ideplore,beingignored.

For—

Iamnotabore!

Butit'sperplexinglysweet,andquitesexytoo—tobeignored,ignoredbyyou.

HeartontheLine

Loveisgood,itisneverbad—butitwilldriveyoumad!

Whenitisgiventoyou,indribsanddrabs.

SeaofStrangers

Inaseaofstrangers,you'velongedtoknowme.Yourlifespentsailingtomyshores.

Thearmsthatyearntosomedayholdme,willachebeneaththeheavyoars.

Pleasetakeyourtimeandtakeitslowly;asallyoudowillrunitscourse.

Andnothingelsecantakewhatonly—wasalwaysmeantassolelyyours.

ArtandBooks

Withoutadoubt,Imustread,allthebooksI'vereadabout.

Seetheartworkshungonhooks,thatIhaveonly,seeninbooks.

AVoyage

Tobeguidednormisguidedinlove,norbrokenhearted.

Buttosailinwaters—uncharted.

AThank-YouNote

YouhavesaidallthethingsIneedtohearbeforeIknewIneededtohearthem.

TobeunafraidofallthethingsIusedtofear,beforeIknewIshouldn'tfearthem.

AnEndearingTrait

Thescatterbrain,isalittlelike,thepatterofrain.

Neitherhere,northere,buteverywhere.

HisWord

Iamnot,justanotchonhisbelt.

Whathefeelsforme,he'sneverfelt.

Iamawordhehasheardbuthasneverseenforhimself.

Yethewantstoknow,howthatwordisspelt.

AWell-DressedMan

Hischarmwilldisarm;hissmile,instyle;hisfashion,inpassion;hiswords,hisflirt,histiefromhisshirt,tomywrists—hiskiss!hiskiss!hiskiss!

AStranger

ThereisaloveIreminisce,likeaseedI'veneversown.

OflipsthatIamyettokiss,andeyesnotmetmyown.

Handsthatwraparoundmywrists,andarmsthatfeellikehome.

IwonderhowitisImiss,thesethingsI'veneverknown.

Wallflower

Shrinkinginacorner,pressedintothewall;dotheyknowI'mpresent,amIhereatall?

Isthereawrittenrulebook,thattellsyouhowtobe—alltherightthingstotalkabout—thateveryonehasbutme?

SlowlyIamwithering—aflowerdeprivedofsun;longingtobelongto—somewhereorsomeone.

ARollercoaster

Youwillfindhiminmyhighsandlows;inmymind,he'lltoandfro.

He'sthetallestperson,thatIknow—andsohekeepsme,onmytoes.

HisCauseandEffect

Hemakesmeturn,hemakesmetoss;hiswordsmeanmineareataloss.

Hemakesmeblush!

Hemakesmewanttobrushandfloss.

LostandFound

Asunkenchest,ontheoceanground,toneverbefoundwaswherehefoundme.

Therehestirred,myeverythought,myeveryword,sogently,soprofoundly.

NowIamkept,fromdreamsIdreamt,whenonceIslept,sosoundly.

AfraidtoLove

Iturnawayandclosemyheart—tothepromiseoflovethatisluring.

Forthepasthastaughttonotbecaught,inwhatisnotworthpursuing—

ToneverdothethingsI'vedonethatoncehadledtomyundoing.

TheWanderer

Whatisshelike?Iwastold—sheisamelancholysoul.

Sheislikethesuntonight;amomentarygold.

Astarwhendimmedbydawninglight;theflickerofacandleblown.

Alonelykitelostinflight—someoneoncehadflown.

Part2TheCircusofSorrows

CircusTown

Fromacitysobrighttoastrangelittletown;onacarouselspinning,aroundandaround.

Thedizzyingheight,ofthestarsfromtheground.

Theworldallalight—withhissights,hissounds.

ATimeline

YouandIagainstarule,setforusbytime.

Amarkerdrawntoshowourend,etchedintoitsline.

Thebriefestmomentsharedwithyou—thelongestonmymind.

InTwoParts

Youcomeandgosoeasily,yourlifeisasyouknew—whilemineissplitintwo.

HowIenvysothehalfofme,wholivedbeforelove'sdue,whowasyettoknowofyou.

ABadDay

Whenthoughtsofallbutone,arethoseIamkeeping.

Whensorethoughthereisnone,forwhomIamweeping.

Acurtaindrawnbeforethesun,andIwishtogoonsleeping.

RoguePlanets

Asakid,Iwouldcountbackwardsfromtenandimagineatone,therewouldbean explosion—perhaps caused by a rogue planet crashing intoEarth or someothermajorcatastrophe.Whennothinghappened,I'dfeelrelievedandatthesametime,alittledisappointed.

Ithinkofyouatten;thefirsttimeIsawyou.Yoursmileatnineandhowitlitup something insideme I had thought long dead.Your lips at eight pressedagainst mine and at seven, your warm breath in my ear and your handseverywhere.You tellmeyou loveme at six and at fivewehaveour first realfight.Atfourwehaveoursecondandthree,ourthird.Attwoyoutellmeyoucan'tgoonanylongerandthenatone,youaskmetostay.

AndIamrelieved,sorelieved—andalittledisappointed.

Closure

Liketimesuspended,awoundunmended—youandI.

Wehadnoending,nosaidgood-bye.

Forallmylife,I'llwonderwhy.

AQuestion

Itwas a question I hadworn onmy lips for days—like a loose thread onmyfavoritesweaterIcouldn'tresistpulling—despiteknowing itcouldallunravelaroundme.

“Doyouloveme?”Iask.InyourhesitationIfoundmyanswer.

AWayOut

Doyouknowwhatitislike,tolieinbedawake;withthoughtstohauntyoueverynight,ofallyourpastmistakes.

Knowingsleepwillsetitright—ifyouwerenottowake.

LostThings

Doyouknowwhenyou'velostsomething—likeyourfavoriteT-shirtorasetofkeys—andwhilelookingforit,youcomeacrosssomethingelseyouoncemissedbuthave long since forgotten?Wellwhatever itwas, therewasapointwhereyoudecided to stop searching,maybebecause itwasno longer requiredor anewreplacementwasfound.Itisalmostasifitneverexistedinthefirstplace—untilthatmomentofrediscovery,aflashofrecognition.

Everyonehasone—aninventoryoflostthingswaitingtobefound.Yearningtobeacknowledgedfortheworththeyonceheldinyourlife.

I think this iswhere I belong—among all your other lost things.A crumplednote at the bottom of a drawer or an old photograph pressed between thepagesofabook.IhopesomedayyouwillfindmeandrememberwhatIoncemeanttoyou.

ABetrayal

IcannotundowhatIhavedone;Ican'tun-singasongthat'ssung.

Andthesaddestthingaboutmyregret—

Ican'tforgiveme,andyoucan'tforget.

AfterYou

IfIwroteitinabook,couldIshelveit?

IfItoldofwhatyoutook,wouldthathelpit?

IfIwillit,canIun-feelit,nowI'vefeltit?

AReverie

Adustyroom,awindowchair,unseeingeyesthatgazeintothemontageofaloveaffair.

Acarouselofmemories,spinningroundintoablur.

Hermindisnowafairgroundride—shewondersifyouthinkofher.

LettingHimGo

There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you lovesomethinggreaterthanyourself.Atendersacrifice.

Like the pained silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent andbrokenfeetofadancingballerina.ItisineveryconsideredstepIamtakingintheoppositedirectionofyou.

TheThingsWeHide

Andso,Ihaveputawaythephotographs,everytraceofyouIknow.

Thethingsthatseemtomatterless,aretheonesweputonshow.

LoveLost

Thereisonewhoyoubelongto,whoselove—thereisnosongfor.Andthoughyouknowit'swrongful,thereissomeoneelseyoulongfor.

Yourheartwasonceavessel,itwasfilleduptothebrim;untilthedayheleftyou,

noweverythingsingsofhim.

Ofthetwowhocametoloveyou,toone,yourheartyougave.Helivesinstarsaboveyou—inthelovewhocameandstayed.

TimeTravelers

Inallourwrongs,Iwanttowritehim,inatimewhereIcanfindhim.

Beforethetearsthattoreus.

Whenourhistorywasbeforeus.

ASmallConsolation

Everythingthatweoncewere,isnowasadandlonelyverse.

WhenonceIhadsomuchtosay,Iamnowbereftofwords.

Sometimesitistheorderofthings,thatmakethemseemmuchworse.

It'snotasifyouwouldhavestayed,ifIhadn'tleftyoufirst.

AnImpossibleTask

Totryoruntrytoforgetyounot,mayberelatedsomewhat—

Totying,thentryingtountie,acomplicatedknot.

TheKeeper

Youwerelikeadream,IwishIhadn'tsleptthrough.

WithinitIfelldeeper,thanyourheartwouldcaretoletyou.

Ithoughtyouwereakeeper,IwishIcouldhavekeptyou.

SadSongs

Once there was a boy who couldn't speak but owned amusic box that heldeverysonginalltheworld.Onedayhemetagirlwhohadneverheardasinglemelody inher entire life and soheplayedherhis favorite song.Hewatchedwhileherfacelitupwithwonderasthemusicfilledtheskyandthepoetryoflyricsmovedherinawayshehadneverfeltbefore.

Hewouldplayhissongsforherdayafterdayandshewouldsitbyhimquietly—neverseemingtomindthathecouldonlyspeaktoherthroughsong.Shelovedeverythingheplayedforher,butofthemall—shelovedthesadsongsbest.Sohebegantoplaythemmoreandmoreuntileventually,sadsongswereallshewouldhear.

Oneday,henoticedithadbeenaverylongtimesinceherlastsmile.Whenheaskedherwhy, she tookbothhis hands inhers andkissed themwarmly. Shethankedhimforhisgiftofmusicandpoetrybutaboveallelse—forshowinghersadnessbecauseshehadknownneitherofthesethingsbeforehim.But itwasnow time for her to go away—to find someone who could show her whathappinesswas.

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Doyourememberthesongthatwasplayingthenightwemet?No,butIremembereverysongIhaveheardsinceyouleft.

Jealousy

Itwasthewayyouspokeabouther.

Withanimosity,regret,disdainandunderneathitall—justahintofpride.

WakingwithoutYou

Everysongthatsingsofhim,fromeveryheartheardbreaking.

Isingalongindreamsofhim,Iclingto—whenIstartwaking.

ThatDay

Irememberourhighsinhues,likethecolorofhiseyesasthesunwassetting;thepaleofhishandsinmine,andtheblueofhissmile.

Irememberoursorrowsinshades,likethegrayoftheshadows,whichloomedthatday,

andthewhiteinhisliewhenhepromisedtostay.

TheGirlHeLoves

TherewasamanwhoIonceknew,formetherewasnoother.Theclosertolovingmehegrew,themorehewouldgrowfurther.

Itriedtolovehimashisfriend,thentolovehimashislover;butheneverlovedmeintheend—hisheartwasforanother.

ALover'sPast

Theturbulentturnsandthetidesthattwistthem.

Whenwhattheyoncewere,washowshehadwishedthem.

Andallthejoyshebroughther,howshecouldlistthem.

Intimeshewilllearn,nottomissthem.

Beauty'sCurse

Herbowisdrawntoworldsofdark;wherearrowsspringandmisstheirmark.

She'llturntheirheads—butnottheirhearts.

DeadButterflies

Isometimesthinkaboutthefragilityofglass—ofbrokenshardstearingagainstsoftskin.Whenintruth,itisthetransparencythatkillsyou.Thepainofseeingthroughtosomethingyoucanneverquitetouch.

ForyearsI'vekeptyouinsecret,behindaglassscreen.I'vewatchedhelplesslyas day after day, your new girlfriend becomes your wife and then later, themotherofyourchildren.Thenrealizingtheironyinthinkingyouweretheoneunder glass when in fact it has been me—a pinned butterfly—static andunmoving,watchingwhileyourotherlifeunfolds.

WishfulThinking

Yousaythatyouareoverme,myheart—itskips,itsinks.

Iseeyounowwithsomeonenew,Istare,Istare,Iblink.

SomedayI'llbeoveryou,Iknow,Iknow—Ithink.

AHeavyHeart

Allyouhavedone,Ihadhopedtopardon.

Whenthedeathoflovewasslowforme—foryouwassudden.

Nowtheyearsgoby,andmyhearthashardened.

SavingYou

Thedarknesstakeshimover,thesicknesspullshimin;hiseyes—ablown-outcandle;Iwishtogowithhim.

SometimesIseeaflicker—alightthatshonefromthem;Iholdhimtometightly,beforehe'sgoneagain.

AnAnswer

Tochoosefromthereweremany;amongthem,thereweresome.

AndofthoseIlovedyou,morethanany—butnotasmuchasone.

SwanSong

Herheartisplayedlikewell-wornstrings;inhereyes,thesadnesssings—ofonewhowasdestinedforbetterthings.

Part3Love

FirstLove

BeforeIfellinlovewithwords,withsettingskiesandsingingbirds—itwasyouIfellinlovewithfirst.

HeandI

Whenwordsrundry,hedoesnottry,nordoI.

Weareonpar.

Hejustis,Ijustam,andwejustare.

SundayswithMichael

Iholdmybreathandcounttoten,Istandandsit,thenstandagain.Icrossandthenuncrossmylegs,theplanesareflyingoverhead.

Thedialturnswitheverytwist,aroundthewatch,aroundhiswrist.Restingtherewithpeninhand,whocouldeverunderstand?

ThewayhewritesofallIdream,thingskindyetcruelandin-between,whereunderneaththosetwistedtrees,aprettygirlfallentoherknees.

Whocouldknowtheworldwe'vespun?Ishrugmyshouldersandholdmytongue.Iholdmybreathandcounttoten,Istandandsit,thenstandagain.

MorningswithYou

Islowlywakeasdayisdawning,tofingertipsandlipsimploring.

Thesheetsagainstmyskin,hesays,likewrappingpaperonChristmasmorning.

SoulMates

I don't know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I amgettingtoknowyouandmoreasthoughIamrememberingwhoyouare.Howeverysmile,everywhisperbringsmeclosertotheimpossibleconclusionthatIhaveknownyoubefore,Ihavelovedyoubefore—inanothertime,adifferentplace—someotherexistence.

AFairyTale

Startofspring;heartinbloom;ourwhisperingsinsunlitrooms.

Summerwasfeltalittlemore;inautumnIbegantofall.

Whenwintercamewithallitswhite,youwereminetokissgoodnight.

Always

Youwereyou,andIwasI;weweretwobeforeourtime.

IwasyoursbeforeIknew,andyouhavealwaysbeenminetoo.

ADream

As the Earth began spinning faster and faster, we floated upwards, handslockedtightlytogether,eyessadandbewildered.WewatchedasourfacesgrewyoungerandrealizedtheEarthwasspinninginreverse,movingusbackwardsintime.

Then we reached a point where I no longer knew who you were and I wasgraspingthehandsofastranger.ButIdidn'tletgo.Andneitherdidyou.

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Ihadmyfirstdreamaboutyoulastnight.Really?Shesmiles.Whatwasitabout?Idon'trememberexactly,butthewholetimeIwasdreaming,Iknewyouweremine.

BeforeThereWasYou

WhenIusedtolookabove,allIsawwassky;andeverysongthatIwouldsing,Isungnotknowingwhy.

AllIthoughtandallIfelt,wasonlyjustbecause,neverwasiteveryou—untilitwasalltherewas.

Beautiful

Yourhandreachesformine.Wekisstentatively,passionatelyandthen,tenderly.

Youbrushmyhairawayfrommyface.“You'rebeautiful.”Iwrinklemynoseinprotest.“Youare.”

AllorNothing

Ifyoulovemeforwhatyousee,onlyyoureyeswouldbeinlovewithme.

Ifyoulovemeforwhatyou'veheard,thenyouwouldlovemeformywords.

Ifyoulovemyheartandmind,thenyouwouldloveme,forallthatI'm.

Butifyoudon'tlovemyeveryflaw,thenyoumustn'tloveme—notatall.

SomeTimeOut

Thetimemaynotbeprimeforus,thoughyouareaspecialperson.

Wemaybejusttwodifferentclocks,thatdonottock,inunison.

Souls

Whentwosoulsfallinlove,thereisnothingelsebuttheyearningtobeclosetothe other.The presence that is felt through a hand held, a voice heard, or asmileseen.

Souls donothave calendars or clocks, nordo theyunderstand thenotionoftimeordistance.Theyonlyknowitfeelsrighttobewithoneanother.

This is the reasonwhyyoumiss someone somuchwhen they arenot there—eveniftheyareonlyintheverynextroom.Yoursoulonlyfeelstheirabsence—itdoesn'trealizetheseparationistemporary.

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CanIaskyousomething?Anything.Whyisiteverytimewesaygoodnight,itfeelslikegood-bye?

SoloShow

Hepullsthethickwoolensweaterup,overmyhead.

Littlesparksofstaticdanceacrossmyskin.

Doesithurt?Hesays,runninghishandsgentlyovermywarmbody.

Itisyourownlittlefireworksshow,Iwhisper.

TheFearofLosingYou

Withoutmeaningto,he'sdisarmedme,withkissesthatsootheandalarmme.

Inarmsthatterrifyandcalmme.

EbbandFlow

Sheyearnstolearnhowhistideisturned,tounderstandeachgrainofsand,heknows.

Tomoveinrhythm,withhisebbandflow.

WritteninTraffic

Aquietgladness,inthebusysadness;insidethefinaltussle,ofloveanditsmadness.

Itsgoodnessandbadness,itshustleandbustle.

Angels

It happens like this. One day you meet someone and for some inexplicablereason, you feelmore connected to this stranger than anyone else—closer tothem than your closest family. Perhaps because this person carries an angelwithin them—one sent to you for some higher purpose, to teach you animportantlessonortokeepyousafeduringaperiloustime.Whatyoumustdois trust in them—even if they come hand in handwith pain or suffering—thereasonfortheirpresencewillbecomeclearinduetime.

Though here is a word of warning—you may grow to love this person butremember theyarenotyours tokeep.Theirpurpose isn't to saveyoubut toshowyouhowtosaveyourself.Andoncethisisfulfilled,thehaloliftsandtheangelleavestheirbodyasthepersonexitsyourlife.Theywillbeastrangertoyouoncemore.

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It'ssodarkrightnow,Ican'tseeanylightaroundme.That'sbecausethelightiscomingfromyou.Youcan'tseeitbuteveryoneelsecan.

GoldenCage

Abirdwhohurtherwing,nowforgottenhowtofly.

Asongsheusedtosing,butcan'trememberwhy.

Abreathshecaughtandkept—thatleftherinasigh.

Ithurtshersotoloveyou,butshewon'tsaygood-bye.

LoveLetters

Everyletterthatshetypes,everykeystrokethatshestrikes—

Tospellyournameagainandagain—isallsheeverwantstowrite.

Codependency

Thereisnothingmorenice,thereisnothingmuchworser;thanmeasyourviceandyouasmyversa.

Canyons

Rarelydo thewords I loveyouprecedeaquestionmark—but it is aquestionnonetheless and your answer to mine was the incarnation of a wish—thefulfillmentofapromise.

Somewherebetween falling in andoutof love, thequestion spilled fromourlipsoverandover—readilyansweredwithgreedyhandsandravenousmouths.Itwascautiouslywhisperedonrooftops,aswelookeddownonterrifyingheightsandcriedoutundercreased,whitesheetsinbreathlessadmissions.

Towards good-bye, I asked the question, and your reply was a thoughtlessecho as I stood, feeling as though Iwas shoutingmeaninglesswords into anemptycanyon—justtohearthemrepeatedback.

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“Iloveyou,”hesaysforthefirsttime.Iturnmybodytofacehis.“Sayitagain.”Hesaysitoverandoveragain,pullingmebeneathhim.

ATimeCapsule

Thisiswhere,Ibegantocare,whereIwasbefriended.

Thisiswhere,mysoulwasbared,whereallmyruleswerebended.

Thisiswhere,amomentweshared,wasstolenandexpended.

Nowthisiswhere,thisiswhere,thisiswherewe'veended—

AbouttheAuthor

The work of poet and artist Lang Leav swings between the whimsical andwoeful,expressingacomplexitybeneathitschildlikefacade.Lang is a recipient of the Qantas Spirit of Youth Award and a prestigiousChurchillFellowship.HerartworkisexhibitedinternationallyandshewasselectedtotakepartinthelandmarkPlayboyReduxshowcuratedbytheAndyWarholMuseum.Shecurrentlyliveswithherpartnerandcollaborator,Michael,inalittlehousebythesea.

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