Marking Criteria & Annotated Texts

Marking Criteria & Annotated Texts

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ICAS Writing – Argument © Janison Solutions - 4 -

CRITERIA Genre: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 The task requires the writer to agree or disagree with a given statement and then to explain their position in a persuasive way. This criterion is a global score that assesses the writer’s ability to use all the tools at their disposal to craft a convincing text. A minimum score should be awarded to writing which attempts to present an argument, including that which offers only a personal opinion. Higher achievement is indicated by features which enhance the objectivity and persuasive power of the writing, including the ability to use the structural elements of the text to create a coherent and convincing argument and a range of rhetorical devices to increase the credibility and persuasive power of the argument. The result is that the reader is engaged and ultimately convinced to agree with the writer’s point of view.

SCORE EXPLANATION TEXTS

0 The writing is not an argument.

1 The writing is a brief and simple argument, or a longer text that lacks coherence.

A, C

2 The writing is a formulaic attempt to engage or persuade the reader. Note: Each argument may be consistent in itself but not necessarily with each other.

B, D–I

3 The text is coherent and well-structured with arguments that support each other and provide a unified perspective.

J, K

4 The structural elements, sound and credible arguments, and well-chosen rhetorical devices all work together to present a persuasive and convincing argument.

L, M

- 5 - ICAS Writing – Argument © Janison Solutions

Structure: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 This criterion focuses on the structure of the argument, namely the inclusion of an introduction, some arguments (body) and a conclusion. Where texts use the basic structural elements to express the writer’s ideas simply, a minimal score should be awarded. Development in this criterion is indicated by the ability to manipulate the structural elements so that the writer’s argument is enhanced. Some indicators of this ability include – a preview of arguments in the introduction – a strong summation in the conclusion – the effective support of rhetorical devices (see page 7) that cleverly serve more than one purpose, for example, make clear the writer’s attitude, summarise the arguments and affect the reader’s emotions.


0 Only one structural element is present. Note: Score 0 if the writing is not an argument.

A

1 Two structural components—usually introduction + body or body + conclusion—are present. Note 1: Do not penalise if the ideas are incoherent or if the points of view are contradictory. Note 2: Also award this score when all components are minimally present e.g. the introduction and conclusion only state/restate the writer’s point of view.

B–D

2 All structural elements are present and distinct. Readers have no problems recognising the introduction, body and conclusion.

E, G

3 All structural components are distinct and at least two components are developed. Development of a component refers to the better use of that component to serve its purpose within the text. Note: The structural components may be marked out using paragraphs or connectives.

F, H–J, L

4 All structural components are developed to serve their intended purpose in the text.

K, M


Idea Quality: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 It is the quality, not just the quantity, of arguments that helps to convince the reader. Therefore it is important to read the arguments in light of how they explain and support the writer’s position. Less mature writers will make claims, use imperatives or provide examples that relate to their immediate lives. More mature writers will use arguments that include or recognise the impact of their choice on the wider society. Such arguments are more powerful because they appear more objective and imply a larger impact. Where the writing also demonstrates effective refutation, the highest score should be awarded. The writing needs to demonstrate the qualities of objectivity, coherence and persuasiveness before the top score is considered.


0 The writing does not include any arguments but merely states the writer’s position. Note 1: Score 0 if the writing is not an argument. Note 2: Score 0 if the writing is not on topic.

1 The writing presents assertions, brief arguments or personal reasons. A–C

2 The writing presents ideas that are developed through elaboration or exemplification. Note: One well-developed argument may be sufficient to achieve this score.

D–I

3 The writing presents objective arguments which are coherently justified. The arguments should seek to explain how their choice affects the wider community.

J, K

4 The arguments work together to persuade and convince the reader. The writing may demonstrate effective refutation, that is, the writing clearly states an opposing point of view and presents a coherent and effective counter-argument.

L, M


Rhetorical Devices: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 An argument is strengthened when the writing uses a rhetorical device that not only emphasises the point being made but does so in a manner that captures the reader’s attention. The most common device used in argument is modality—in general terms, a range of grammatical resources that enable the writer to express probability, obligation and likelihood. Other common rhetorical devices include the following: – modal nouns/verbs/adjectives/adverbs – examples − hypothetical scenarios – nominalisation/agentless passive – hyperbole − repetition/parallelism – direct address including rhetorical questions, imperative mood, Q&A style More sophisticated devices include the effective use of the following: – figurative language – understatement – contrast – literary quotations/allusions – humour – thematisation – statistics/expert opinion – refutation Advanced writers will not only be able to use the more sophisticated devices but also use the more common devices in original and effective ways. More importantly, the devices will be used in service of their overall argument.


0 Modal auxiliaries are not used correctly or appropriately, or no rhetorical devices are used. Note: Do not penalise for the wrong use of tense in modal auxiliaries in this criterion.

1 At least two modal auxiliaries (e.g. cannot, must, might, would, have to, need to) are used correctly and/or only one rhetorical device is used.

A–C, E

2 At least two common rhetorical devices are used. Note: Modal auxiliaries are not to be considered for this score upwards.

D, F–I

3 At least two sophisticated rhetorical devices are used effectively. The devices should support the arguments and the text as a whole. Note: Also reward common devices used in original and effective ways.

J, L

4 A range of sophisticated rhetorical devices is used effectively. Award this score for the quality of devices used and their effectiveness in enhancing the argument and convincing the reader.

K, M

Check the Glossary (page 8) for more details on rhetorical devices.


Vocabulary: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 A good argument relies on the use of accurate, sometimes technical, vocabulary in order to make its point. Weaker writers will use more common vocabulary choices to support their argument. Advanced writers will use vocabulary chosen to enhance reader engagement, including technical language and the use of language which evokes strong emotions. All word classes (adjectives, nouns, adverbs, verbs) are considered for this criterion.


0 The writing uses imprecise or mundane vocabulary (e.g. that kind/type of thing, good, favourite, change).

A, C

1 The writing uses some appropriate vocabulary to support the argument (e.g. respect each other, kind and caring, community service).

B, D–F

2 The writing uses some effective vocabulary to enhance the argument (e.g. select, aspire, acquire more wealth, participate wholeheartedly in community efforts).

G, H, J

3 The writing uses a range of effective vocabulary across different grammatical classes to enhance the argument.

K, L

4 The writing uses effective vocabulary across the text and at least one effective example of affective language (e.g. blatant waste of energy, wallow in this state, electrifying to behold) for persuasive effect.

I, M


Cohesion: Pronoun Reference & Connectives: 0, 1, 2 Textual cohesion is achieved when chains of reference and logical connections are established and appropriately maintained. The correct use of pronouns creates a chain of reference that avoids repetition and ambiguity. Connectives, which include conjunctions and adverbs, establish logical connections between clauses and ideas.


0 There are several errors in the use of pronouns and/or connectives. Errors in the use of connectives can lead to sentence structure errors when the sentence becomes incoherent or meaningless. Note 1: The repetitive use of additive connectives such as and and also is considered an error. Note 2: The use of the connective like as a discourse marker is regarded as an error, except in speech. Note 3: The use of cause for because is considered an error. However, the use of cos for because is a problem with the register. Note 4: he’s for his and his for he’s are regarded as pronoun errors. Note 5: The pronoun myself may be used for emphasis (e.g. I did it for myself or I myself will take the lead). It should not be used to replace I or me (e.g. My friend and myself will donate our old toys). Note 6: Where a pronoun is used where an article should be (i.e. incorrect use of a pronoun), mark as an error in this criterion. Where an article is used where a pronoun should be (i.e. incorrect use of an article), mark as an error in Grammar.

1 There are a few errors in the use of pronouns and/or connectives. Note: At least three sentences must be attempted.

A–F, H, J, K

2 Pronouns and connectives are always used correctly to maintain cohesion across the text.

G, I, L, M

Start with a score of 2. Once there is an error, award a score of 1. If the number of errors is large and the type of error sufficiently serious, then award a score of 0.


Grammar: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 This criterion looks at the correctness of both sentence structure and syntax; at the higher scores, the grammatical complexity of sentence structure must be considered. Sentence structure Use the writer’s punctuation marks (capitals and full stops) to identify sentence boundaries. A sentence is incorrect if – there is an error in clause pattern (read across sentence boundaries) – it consists of strings of main clauses (run-on sentences) – it is confused and incoherent, for example, People can make the world a better place because they have to work hard to earn lots of money. Better writers attempt more complex constructions and are able to use simple constructions effectively for effect. They also know how to ‘break’ the rules to increase reader engagement. Syntax The correctness of clause pattern, agreement, and the use of articles, plural and prepositions are considered in this criterion: – all main clauses have a subject and finite verb (clause pattern) – finite and non-finite verbs are used where necessary (clause pattern) – all transitive verbs are followed by an object (clause pattern) – all finite verbs agree with their subject (agreement) – appropriate articles are used where necessary – number choice for nouns is correct – appropriate prepositions are used where necessary. Tense errors should not be marked in this criterion.


0 Award this score if fewer than five sentences are indicated. Where at least five sentences are indicated, most sentences are incorrect. There are many grammatical errors of different types. Note 1: Do not include a copy of the proposition, if there is one, in your sentence count. Note 2: Article, tense and agreement errors do not make a sentence incorrect. Note 3: Where an article is used instead of a pronoun, mark as an error in this criterion. Where a pronoun is used instead of an article, mark as an error in Cohesion. Note 4: If an identical error is repeated across the script, it is counted as one error.

B

1 At least five sentences are indicated and most are correct. There are many grammatical errors which may be of different types.

C, D


2 At least five sentences are indicated and nearly all (≥ 75%) sentences are correct. There may be some, mainly minor, grammatical errors.

A, E, H

3 At least seven sentences are indicated and nearly all sentences are correct. There is evidence of variety in sentences deliberately structured for persuasive effect. There may be a few, mainly minor, grammatical errors. Some examples of complex structures include: • complex sentences with effective subordinate or embedded clauses • simple and compound sentences that are deliberately structured for

rhetorical effect or to increase their impact on the reader • truncated sentences

How? By enabling the disadvantaged to find help more quickly. • consecutive sentences of varying length

It’s not just that everyone can help make the world a better place but that everyone has a responsibility to do so as we all ultimately live on the one planet. Planet Earth is our home.

F, G

4 At least ten sentences are indicated. Nearly all sentences are correct with some complex structures and grammatically complex sentences structured for persuasive effect. There may be one or two grammatical errors. This score is for writing that demonstrates good control of sentence structure and syntax.

I–L

5 At least ten sentences are indicated. Every sentence is correct and there is a range of complex structures and grammatically complex sentences structured for persuasive effect. There are no grammatical errors. Only writing that demonstrates confident control of sentence structure and syntax throughout the text should be awarded this mark. Note: This score can be awarded if there is the odd run-on sentence where a splice comma can be replaced with a semicolon. The error is then marked as a punctuation error.

M

The number and correctness of sentences is the primary consideration for this criterion. The score should then be adjusted based on the number and type of grammar errors evidenced. A preposition relates one object to another. Adverbs in phrasal verbs look like prepositions (e.g. Sit down) but they always come after a verb—and that’s why they are called phrasal verbs—and you can always add a prepositional phrase after (e.g. Sit down on the stool).


Punctuation: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 For each score the writing must demonstrate sufficient evidence of correct use of punctuation.


0 Three or more sentence markers are missing or only one or two sentences are indicated. Sentence punctuation refers to the student’s actual marking of sentence boundaries.

D

1 Sentence punctuation is almost always evident. Note 1: At least three sentences must be attempted. Note 2: If sentence punctuation is almost always evident but capital letters are used for common nouns (stray caps) in three or more different words, do not award a score higher than 1.

A, B, I

2 All sentence punctuation is evident and nearly all simple punctuation is correct (two more correct demonstrations than errors). At least two of the following types must be demonstrated: • commas in lists • apostrophes to mark contractions • capital letters for proper nouns • question marks • correct hyphenation to indicate line breaks.

Note 1: Score 2 also if one or no simple punctuation is demonstrated, but nearly all complex punctuation is used correctly. Note 2: For greengrocer’s apostrophes (using’s to indicate plural nouns) and stray caps, count as different errors if used in different words. Note 3: Ignore punctuation for T-shirt, iPad, e-mail etc.

C, E–G

3 All sentence punctuation is evident, and nearly all simple and nearly all complex punctuation are correct. Only writing that shows confident use of simple and complex punctuation should be awarded this score. Complex punctuation includes • commas to mark fronted phrases or clauses • parenthetical commas, dashes or brackets (due to their nature, both

must be present to be recognised) • quotation marks, underlining or italics to mark titles • apostrophes to mark possession • colons and semicolons • all punctuation associated with speech.

Note: Hyphens should be credited if present and correct. Hyphens in age strings are required. Count as an error if hyphens which are required to remove ambiguity are missing.

H, J, K, M

4 All simple and complex punctuation is correct. L

Check the Punctuation Guide (page 14) for details on how to mark speech punctuation.


Annotated Texts


Annotated Text A

I agree to never Liter becagse creaters

like ants, birds and more can die so

that is why u should never Liter. People

Should help others if they are hurt or

5 crying so u can tell someone near u

that he or she is hurt and crying so

they can fix it. I think that People Shoud

pick up Liter instead of chucking Liter on

the floor. People Shoald always chuck

10 Liter in the bin and not on the floor so

creaters dont die. People Should never

ever chuck thing on the floor. thanku


Annotated Text A never ever chuck thing on the floor

Genre 1 The writing is a brief argument.

Structure 0 There is no introduction or conclusion. The text launches straight into the first reason. thanku is not considered a conclusion.

Idea quality 1 The writing lists simple ways that people can make the world a better place.

Rhetorical devices 1 Modal auxiliaries (can, should) and modal adverbs (never, always) are used.

Vocabulary 0 Vocabulary choices are mundane.

Cohesion 1 The use of so in l.5 is incorrect. Pronoun reference shifts from I to you, then to People and they, and then to you (l.1–7).

Grammar 2 Nearly all sentences, including complex sentences, are correct. There are only five sentences so a higher score cannot be considered. Incorrect sentence: l.3–7. The plural noun is not used in l.12.

Punctuation 1 All sentence punctuation is evident. There is a list comma in l.2 but there are stray caps and an omitted contraction apostrophe in l.11.


Annotated Text B

Firstly I think we should hand out bags to the homeless with

x1 blanket x1 pillow and food and water to make them feel

at home.

5 Secondly we should stop police from going to macas and pigin

around there are loads of people they could catch out there.

Thirdly we should put the costs to petrol down abit cos If you

cant afford fuel then you cant go to work.

10

Fourthly when you go to work you should get paid more and

you can afford a better life for your family.

fiftly get more people like police, fireman, hospta and much much

15 more and get more of these guys.

Sixtly help wildlife more and stop animal crulty what if somone/

something does stuff like that to you.

20 Seventhly I think they should stop poison and polution its killing

wildlife.

Think about it the world should be a better place


Annotated Text B

fiftly, Sixtly, Seventhly

Genre 2 The text is a formulaic list which describes the ways that people can make the world a better place.

Structure 1 The body of the text and a minimal conclusion are present.

Idea quality 1 The writing has a list of assertions.

Rhetorical devices 1 The writing uses direct address (rhetorical question in l.17–18 and imperative mood in l.23).

Vocabulary 1 Some appropriate vocabulary is used: afford fuel, animal cruelty, poison. This text demonstrates the minimum standard for Score 1.

Cohesion 1 The conjunction and is used incorrectly in l.11. Pronoun reference shifts from we to you (l.8) to they (l.20).

Grammar 0 Only three of eight sentences are correct. There is a preposition error in costs to petrol (l.8) and plural errors in l.14. Note: Pigin around (l.5–6) is a phrasal verb, so the error is not prepositional but adverbial.

Punctuation 1 Almost all sentence punctuation is evident: fiftly doesn’t begin with a capital letter.


Annotated Text C

Everyone should help to make the world abetter place.

Firstly I think our world is not a good place at the

momment because in someparts of the world everyone

is throwing trash on the road after they like ate

5 something. So people should not throw rubbish on the

road or anywere, if we don’t do this our world will stay

like this. We don’t wont our world to be dirty like this

we need to make this better our world could be better

if we don’t throw rubbish.

10

We have to stop this or our world is going to be like full

of rubbish. People have to stop this, there are many

things in our life we did not see yet cause of people

throwing rubbish. Rubbish is killing thees things we have

15 not seen it, it also is killing sea animals. So people

should not throw rubbish. Our world could turn better.

So do you agree with me?


Annotated Text C

our world is going to be like full of rubbish

Genre 1 The text focuses on one idea—the impact of rubbish—but is not coherently argued.

Structure 1 All three structural components are present but the introduction and conclusion are minimal.

Idea quality 1 There is one main idea—the impact of throwing rubbish—which is not well elaborated.

Rhetorical devices 1 The writing uses modal auxiliaries (will, need to, could, have to) and a rhetorical question in the last sentence.

Vocabulary 0 Vocabulary choices are mundane.

Cohesion 1 There are connective errors in the use of like (l.4, 11) and cause (l.13).

Grammar 1 Five of nine sentences are correct. (The first sentence repeats the proposition and should be ignored in the sentence count.) Incorrect sentences: l.5–7, 7–9, 12–14, 14–15. There is a clause pattern error in l.14–15.

Punctuation 2 All sentence punctuation is evident and all simple punctuation (contraction apostrophes and question mark) is correct.


Annotated Text D

I agree that we all can make a better place with

this enviroment. how can we make this

enviroment better? 1st to not liter because

animals such as birds, ants, spiders and much

5 more can die because the litter flys everywere

and they eat it and thats how they die. 2ndly in

the zoo they keep animals locked up in cages

and it’s not fair.Animals should be free in stead

of locked up. were are mamles and basicly were

10 one of them so in stead of trapping them why

can’t we help them. and 3rdly you have to feed

your animals because if we don’t there will be

no more animals in the world which means no

more meat,milk and everything that animals

15 make. and the most importantly is the plants if

you didn’t know trees and plants turn caban

dyoxide into air so if there is no more plants it’s

no more us. thank you.


Annotated Text D

so if there is no more plants it’s no more us

Genre 2 The writing is a formulaic text with arguments focusing on the environment.

Structure 1 There is a simple introduction and a developed body. thank you is not considered a conclusion.

Idea quality 2 The ideas are developed to support the writer’s point of view.

Rhetorical devices 2 The writing uses direct address (a rhetorical question in l.10–11 and direct address in l.15–16) and repetition in l.17–18. Note that the question in l.2–3 is not rhetorical: the writer answers the question by describing ways to make the environment better.

Vocabulary 1 The writing uses appropriate word choices, including technical terms, to support the argument: environment, mamles, caban dyoxide. The only effective word choice is trapping.

Cohesion 1 The pronoun they refers to different referents in l.6 and l.7. Pronoun reference shifts from we to you (l.11) and back to we (l.12).

Grammar 1 Five of eight sentences are correct. Incorrect sentences: l.3–6, 9–11, 15–18. Grammar errors: clause pattern (double verb in l.9) and agreement (l.17). The incorrect use of the in l.15 is not considered a grammar error because deleting it does not correct the sentence.

Punctuation 0 Many sentences do not begin with a capital letter.


Annotated Text E

I agree that everyone can help to make the world

a better place. Everyone can make the world a

better place if they want to.

5 One example is plastic polution. Not everyone is

taking part, in some places rubbish is every where

but some has none at all. But if people just stop

littering and instead pick up rubbish then the

ocean won’t be polluted. Wouldn’t you like to save

10 fish and other creatures in the ocean?

Another reason is plastic breaks down slowly, did

you know that almost all the plastic made is still

somewhere on earth.

15

Also there are wars around the world. If everyone

is kind then there will be no wars. Wouldn’t you

like a more peaceful world?

20 The last reason is that we can all make the world a

better place, but some people think they are more

important than others. When we are all the same.

But they make it worst by making other people jealous.

25 So if we all try and work together. We can make the wor


Annotated Text E

When we are all the same

Genre 2 The writing is a formulaic text with internally consistent arguments.

Structure 2 Although the conclusion is incomplete, all structural components are distinct. Only the body of the argument is developed.

Idea quality 2 Most ideas are elaborated.

Rhetorical devices 1 The writing uses direct address (rhetorical questions in l.9–10, 12–14, 17–18).

Vocabulary 1 Some appropriate vocabulary is used: plastic polution, still somewhere on earth, a peaceful world.

Cohesion 1 But is used incorrectly in l.7 and l.23.

Grammar 2 Ten of 14 sentences are correct (71%). Although this would not normally meet the threshold of ‘nearly all’, there is some demonstration of sentences deliberately structured for persuasive effect, particularly in the second paragraph. Given the length of the text and that there is also only one grammar error, a score of 2 is an appropriate score. Complex sentences: a sentence with a dep. cl. (l.2–3) and sentences with dep. cl. in 1st position (l.7–9, 16–17). Incorrect sentences: l.5–7, 12–14, 22, 25. Ignore the last sentence as it is incomplete. There is an agreement error in some has none at all (l.7).

Punctuation 2 All sentence punctuation is evident. Nearly all simple punctuation (contraction apostrophes, question marks) is correct. The only error is an omitted question mark in l.14.


Annotated Text F

Everyone can help to make the world a better place. Do you agree? I do

because we can stop pollution, hurting our animals and plant and we can

stop using so much electricity.

5 Firstly, pollution can be really bad for the environment but, how can we

stop it? Stopping pollution isn’t that hard. We just need to use cars less.

For example, if you and your friend were going to the movies, driving two

cars will make more pollution. However, if you were to drive to your

friends house on the way to the movies and take them to the movies in

10 your car then, it would be much better for the environment. So be mindful

for how you organize things if you want to save the environment.

If you care for the animals alot then doing this will make you very proud.

Hurting our animals is a terrible thing to do because it also hurting our

15 environment so what we need to do is to stop fishing and hunting. This

will help because animals won’t be killed because of this we will always

have a beautiful ocean and a big variety of animals.

Lastly, how do we stop using so much electricity? Well, we could turn off

20 all lights when we aren’t in the room or place, we could not use iphone’s,

ipads or any electronic device. This is a much better to make the world a

better place only, because we just need to have a better thing to do apart

from playing on electronic devices. So why do you just go and read a

book?

25

All of these three reasons is why I strongly agree that everyone can make

the world a better place. So never give up and always try hard!


Annotated Text F So why do you just go and read a book?

Genre 2 The writing is a formulaic argument with some elaboration.

Structure 3 All structural components are distinct and there is an understanding of how the different components can support the argument: the introduction has a preview of arguments and the conclusion has a call to action. This is the minimum standard for score 3.

Idea quality 2 The writer attempts to develop the arguments but this is done through assertions. In addition, the last argument ends illogically.

Rhetorical devices 2 The writing uses some common rhetorical devices: a scenario (l.7–10), the imperative mood (l.10–11, 27) and the contrasting modal adverbs never and always. The effectiveness of the rhetorical question in l.23–24 is lost because it does not follow from the argument.

Vocabulary 1 The writing uses appropriate vocabulary: variety, electronic device. The only effective word is mindful.

Cohesion 1 Pronoun reference changes from we to you in l.13, back to our/we in l.14, and back again to you in l.23.

Grammar 3 Nearly all sentences are correct with some sentences with dep. cl. in 1st position (l.7–8, 8–10, 13). Incorrect sentences: l.14–15, 15–17, 19–21, 21–23. Grammar errors: plurals (l.2), preposition use (l.11), clause pattern (l.14–15, 21–23) and agreement (l.26).

Punctuation 2 All sentence punctuation is evident. Nearly all simple punctuation (question marks, list commas, contraction apostrophes) is correct. There is a greengrocer’s apostrophe in iphone’s (l.20). Commas after fronted adverbials are used correctly but clause commas are not. A possessive apostrophe is also omitted in friends (l.9). There is insufficient demonstration of complex punctuation for a higher score.


Annotated Text G

Everyone can help to make the world a better place is wrong.

In my opinion the world will never be perfect or get better,

it’ll only get worst.

5 My first point is that some people might get hooked onto a

drug and become unstable. This can sometimes result in

having sex while unstable and make the female pregnant. If

the couple stay together and have a baby and are still addicts

then this will result in the baby growing up while thinking

10 drugs and alcohol is good.

My second point is that in films, news, book and newspapers

there will always be access to watching or reading about a

death. People can get hooked on this feeling of killing people

15 is the right thing to do. There are more than over 100,000

murders every year and while the population is growing and

growing that number will only increase.

My third and final point is that while there are plenty of

20 people that do good for this world there will always be the

ones that sabotage the work of the good. As I said before, the

population continues to grow and the more it grows the

worst our world will be.

25 To conclude, I believe that the statement “Everyone can help

to make the world a better place” is false and my three

points proves why.


Annotated Text G

more than over 100,000 murders every year

Genre 2 The writing presents some arguments in a formulaic way.

Structure 2 All structural components are present but only the body is developed to serve its purpose.

Idea quality 2 Most ideas are developed.

Rhetorical devices 2 The writing uses modal adverbs (never, always) and statistics. The description in l.6–10 is not a scenario but the argument that the writer is making.

Vocabulary 2 Some effective vocabulary is used: unstable, access, sabotage the work of the good, false. This is the minimum standard for Score 2.

Cohesion 2 All pronouns and connectives are used correctly.

Grammar 3 Nearly all sentences are correct. There are some complex types (dep. cl. in 1st position in l.15–17, 21–23; multiple dep. in l.7–10, 19–21). Incorrect sentences: l.6–7, 14–15. Grammar errors: clause pattern (l.6–7), agreement (l.10, 26–27) and plural use (l.12). The use of of in l.14 is not indicated as a preposition error because removing or changing it would not make the sentence correct.

Punctuation 2 All simple punctuation (contraction apostrophes, list commas) is correct. Quote marks are omitted in l.1 but used in l.25–26. There are a few correct clause commas but the omission of others (l.8, 17, 20) affects the readability of the text—which is the purpose of punctuation.


Annotated Text H

Smoking, overfishing, polluting, These are common troubles in the human

world. These are incredible, large problems that we have. I have

confidence in myself to tell everyone that not anyone, but everyone can

make a change to this world. This is making me agree with this statement

5 – Everyone Can Help to Make the World a Better Place.

Firstly, I consider that people are harming one special land. Whoever

thought of smoking is a good thing? Mistake. This may seem like a little

thing but the real thing is, little may be big. Coughing, spluttering, more

10 coughing. I usually see about 20-25 cigarettes around one single street

tree. You see, human worlds can’t ever be perfect. Why can’t we just stop

this harmful thing to the world?

Imagine you’re going fishing with you’re good ol’ dad. Then suddenly you

15 realise that you are destroying living things’ habitat. BAM you wake up.

You know you’re a fisherman. Stop harming animals’ environment.

My last definite point is all about pollution. Pollution is containing about

42.6% of carbon dioxide. 57.3% is just plain smoke. The carbon dioxide

20 makes the smoke travel to unharmed places. This is getting worst by the

minute. Cars, trucks, buses all include pollution. If we have electric cars,

we should also have electric buses, trucks and other engines that produce

smoke. Everyone can now buy these because … make them cheaper and

stop this harming right now.

25

As you can see, everyone should think about what they’re doing, and

definitely change this wonderful world. Yep! I agreed to this wandering

topic. Then, smoking, overfishing and pollution isn’t that good. Everyone

change this world.


Annotated Text H

Smoking, overfishing, polluting

Genre 2 The arguments are presented in a formulaic way.

Structure 3 All structural components are clearly distinct. The introduction and the body are developed to serve their purpose. The conclusion is weak.

Idea quality 2 Most arguments are developed but they are not coherently done.

Rhetorical devices 2 The writing uses direct address (Q&A in l.7–8, direct address in l.26, rhetorical question in l.11–12, imperative mood in l.11 and l.16), repetition (l.9–10) and statistics. The writer also uses a scenario in l.14–16 but it is not effective.

Vocabulary 2 The writing uses some effective vocabulary: spluttering, harmful, destroying living things’ [habitats]. There is some technical language: habitats, carbon dioxide.

Cohesion 1 The connective Then (l.28) is incorrect. In l.14, the use of you’re for your is a spelling error. The omission of and in l.9 and l.21 is stylistic.

Grammar 2 Nearly all sentences are correct. There are only two minor grammar errors in article/plural use (l.15) and agreement (l.28). However, there is insufficient evidence of sentences deliberately structured for persuasive effect to award a higher score. Incorrect sentences: l.7–8, 11–12, 21–23 (illogical), 23–24. The use of of in l.8 is not indicated as a preposition error because removing or changing it does not make the sentence correct.

Punctuation 3 Nearly all simple punctuation (list commas, apostrophes for contractions and question marks) and all complex (a dash, possessive apostrophes and clause commas) are correct. The stray cap in l.1 prevents a score 4 being awarded. The use of capital letters in l.5 for emphasis should be ignored.


Annotated Text I

After hearing about a recent terrorist-attack in the United States, I began

to ponder about what drives people to commit such atrocious acts. Why

do some people seek to cause so much suffering and destruction within

their societies? When the man from the news detonated a plastic

5 explosive in the center of a busy Sunday market in downtown L.A whilst

claiming he did so in the name of “Allah,” did he really believe he was

doing so for the good of mankind? or was he truly aiming to harm the

world? This event made me wonder, are some people unable to do good in

the world?

10

To answer this question, we first have to define what “bettering” the world

means. When the central powers surrendered in 1918, and the allies

claimed victory over the First World War, people around the Western

world rejoiced for they had protected their freedom and rights from the

15 evil Germans. The war had finally come to an end and the modern era was

soon ushered in, many believed the world had become a better place;

however, for the German people the world had just become the most

dreary and tough to survive in it had been for decades. Their economy

collapsed and the upper class fell into the middle class as those of the

20 middle descended into poverty. So someones actions making the world a

better place is a very subjective view and your opinion on these actions

will differ depending on who you are, therefore I would conclude that an

actions affect on the world must be judged by the impacts it has on the

majority of the populous it influences. This means that if you help ten

25 people at the cost of disadvantaging one, you’ve made the world better.

Therefore I would conclude that anyone can make the world a better place

through day to day actions, simply helping people or reducing their impact

on the environment. Even if you murder ten people, helping one old lady

30 across the street makes the world better.


Annotated Text I Even if you murder ten people

Genre 2 The writing attempts to view the proposition from two different perspectives but the argument is not coherent.

Structure 3 The structural components are clearly distinct and the introduction and body are developed for their intended purposes.

Idea quality 2 The idea in the second paragraph is well argued but doesn’t flow from the first paragraph. The conclusion contradicts the idea presented in the second paragraph.

Rhetorical devices 2 The writing uses rhetorical questions (l.2–4, 6–9) and two extended examples of the terrorist attack and World War I.

Vocabulary 4 The writing uses a range of effective vocabulary (e.g. ponder, suffering and destruction, detonated, descended into poverty, the majority of the populous [populace]) as well as affective language (atrocious acts).


Grammar 4 Nearly all sentences are correct with some variety of complex structures for rhetorical effect, including sentences with dep. cl. in 1st position (l.24–25, 29–30)––in particular, non-finite cl. in 1st position (l.1–2, 11–12)––and sentences with multiple dep. (l.4–7, 12–15). Incorrect sentences: l.15–18, 20–24. There is a preposition error in l.13.

Punctuation 1 As the sentence in line 7 begins with a lower-case letter, the writing cannot be awarded a higher score.


Annotated Text J

I strongly believe that if everyone in the world does their part, that we can come together and make our world a much, better place. My two arguements are how you can help the environment and how you can make people feel better. In 20 years do you want the Earth to be full of 5 hate? Firstly, How we can help the environment. Start with the little things. If everyone puts their own rubbish in the bin that is contributing. People putting their own rubbish in the bin creates less pollution which helps

10 sustain the earth. Animals won’t accidentaly eat our rubbish, thinking its food, and die. If instead of driving to school or work, you could walk once or twice a week, this would also create less pollution making the world a better place. I strongly believe everyone can contribute to making the environment a better place.

15 Lastly, but certainly not least, How we can make each other happy. Again, start with the little things. Smile to the person sitting next to you on the train. Start a conversation with them. Help an old person cross the road. There are so many things that you can do to make eacother’s world a

20 better place. When charity collections come around, don’t pretend you dont have any money, donate generously. If you see someone in trouble, don’t pretend to not see them, do something about. “Never see a need without doing something about it”, quoted the Great Mary Mackillop. It doesnt matter how old you are, just a simple gesture can make someones’

25 day. In conclusion I strongly believe, that it doesn’t matter how old you are, or what is going on in your life, you can always contribute to making the world a better place. If you don’t whant your children, grandchildren or

30 even great-grand children to live in a world of hate, do your part and make the world a better place.


Annotated Text J

Start with the little things.

Genre 3 The writing is a coherent, well-structured argument.

Structure 3 All structural components are distinct and the writer shows an understanding of how the components contribute to the argument. The introduction is not sufficiently engaging for a higher score to be awarded.

Idea quality 3 The arguments are coherently justified and also consider the wider implications.

Rhetorical devices 3 The writing uses common devices—repetition (Start with the little things), examples, modality (Lastly, but certainly not least) and the imperative mood––effectively. The only sophisticated device used is a quote which is well integrated into the argument.

Vocabulary 2 The writing uses some effective vocabulary: sustain the earth, don’t pretend, a simple gesture.

Cohesion 1 The writing switches between we and you throughout.

Grammar 4 Nearly all sentences are correct. There are complex types structured for persuasive effect: dep. cl. in 1st position (l.7–8, 29–31), multiple dependencies (l.11–13), effective repetition of simple sentences (l.17–18). Incorrect sentences: l.1–2, 20–21, 21–22. Grammar errors: preposition in Smile to (l.17) and clause pattern (l.21–22).

Punctuation 3 Nearly all simple punctuation (contraction apostrophes, upper case for proper nouns and a list comma) and nearly all complex punctuation (clause commas, including a parenthetical pair, possessive apostrophes, speech punctuation and a hyphen) are correct. There are two stray caps in How and Great which are simple punctuation errors.


Annotated Text K

Everyone can make the world a better place. We grow up being told life mottos like “its the little things in life that make a difference” and “a little goes a long way”. Positive messages like this, although clichèd, remain inate to us as humans, and dictate what we do in our lives. How humans 5 make the world a better place is threefold: we love and nurture, we invent, research and design to benefit ourselves, others and the environment, and we inspire others. While all of these fit into the simple defenition of “helping”, life is much more complex.

10 As humans, we are taught to love and nurture. Although it may seem that some people do not possess the good-hearted traits of selflessness and kindness (murderers and politicians spring to mind), deep down we all have something in us which makes us want to be kind, or help one another, or love one another. Something as simple as a smile, or a

15 comforting hug, or just someone being friendly can make us feel amazing, which shows that we can all make the world a better place. Another form of helpfulness that humans claim to bestow, is that of physical worth. We design, research, build, explore and invent. And

20 despite these seeming to be selfish good deeds, where the value of our contributions is rewarded with monetary compensation, they do make the world a better place, as they improve the lives of others. Another way to make the world a better place is to inspire. Inspiration is

25 key to the success of individuals, to organisations, and to society as a whole. Inspiration can change a life, so simply, and enable us to design, research, build, explore and invent. It enables us to see the beauty in our world, which helps our mental health in turn.

30 Helping, nurturing, loving, creating and inspiring are the keys to making the world a better place. Everyone is capable of exhibiting these qualities, and so everyone in turn, can give something to make the world a better place.


Annotated Text K (murderers and politicians spring to mind)

Genre 3 The arguments provide a unified perspective. The third argument is not as well developed as the others so, despite the presence of refutation, the top score cannot be awarded.

Structure 4 All structural components are developed to serve the argument.

Idea quality 3 The arguments are presented from a larger perspective. However, the development of the third argument is weak, consisting mainly of assertions.

Rhetorical devices 4 Sophisticated devices are used to enhance the argument: sayings (l.2–3), thematisation (l.4–5), refutation (l.10–14, 19–22) and humour (l.12). The writing also uses a style of repetition and lists which effectively supports the arguments.

Vocabulary 3 The writing uses a range of effective vocabulary (e.g. life mottos, dictate, love and nurture, monetary compensation, capable of exhibiting) to enhance the argument.

Cohesion 1 In line 3, the pronoun this should be these.

Grammar 4 Nearly all sentences, including a variety of complex types, are structured correctly for persuasive effect, and there are no grammar errors. Complex sentences include sentences with a nominal cl. in 1st position (l.4–5) and sentences with multiple dep. (l.10–14, 19–22). Incorrect sentence: l.24–26 (parallel structure).

Punctuation 3 Nearly all simple (contraction apostrophe and list commas) and nearly all complex (quote marks, a colon, a hyphen, parenthetical commas and brackets) punctuation are correct. There are errors in a missing contraction apostrophe (l.2), commas in lists which should be semicolons (l.5, 7) and incorrect clause commas (l.18, 32).


Annotated Text L

The world needs change. Throughout the world, there is crime, prejudice, racism, sexism and oppression. The world needs change. The world can be a better place, but not everyone can contribute. Not everyone can make this world a better place. 5 Corrupt places and governments riddle our world. There are dictatorships, which control the every action and word made by the people. This needs to change, but in a world where people, global citizens, are being controlled by a government that tells them what to say and do, by the

10 extreme threat of death, creates a society where people cannot make a change. An example of people needing change is North Korea. For decades, this country has been under a dictatorship, giving one man, one man only, a voice. Not everyone can make the world a better place.

15 To make change possible, people need a platform to speak, a platform to implement the change and make the world a better place. Not everyone has this voice, that they can spread their knowledge and opinions with a large number of people. There is only a very minor majority of people who have enough influence to the point where they can implement global

20 change, or begin a movement, both nationally or internationally. Not everybody has this influence, not everybody has this voice. Another point is the fact that the word “everyone” includes the entire global community. Not every person has the same rights as others. For

25 example, in some countries, women don’t have equal rights to men. The world needs these things to be changed, but not everyone can make this change. A more common example is adults in comparison to children. No person in democratic societies is legally allowed to vote before the age of 18. This means that before you are 18 years old, you cannot have a say in

30 who is the leader of your national society. Not everybody can help make the world a better place. Overall, for all the reasons I have listed, I strongly believe that not everybody can help make the world a better place.


Annotated Text L

Not everyone can make this world a better place.

Genre 4 The writing is persuasive and convincing. It uses credible arguments and its serious tone supports the writer’s point of view.

Structure 3 The conclusion is weak and does not serve the argument as it should.

Idea quality 4 The ideas support each other and strengthen the writer’s overall argument. This is helped by the repetition of Not everyone can make the world a better place.

Rhetorical devices 3 The writing uses common devices effectively: • the examples are relevant, • many sentences begin with No or Not to emphasise the

writer’s disagreement with the proposition, • repetition is used purposefully throughout the text.

Vocabulary 3 The writing uses a range of effective vocabulary across the text (e.g. prejudice, oppression, extreme threat of death, a platform to implement the change). There is no example of affective language and even if there were, the range is not sufficient for the top score to be awarded.


Grammar 4 Nearly all sentences, including complex types, are structured correctly for persuasive effect. Incorrect sentences: l. 7–11, 16–18, 29–30. Grammar errors: a redundant article (l.7), clause pattern (l.7–11) and incorrect preposition (l.17).

Punctuation 4 All simple (list commas, upper case for proper nouns) and complex (different types of clause commas, quote marks) punctuation are correct


Annotated Text M

People have been changing the world for a very long time. Take a look at the environment around you. The same place would look very different a few hundred years back. Yet the question remains if we can change the world for the better. Our very history, collective organisations and human nature all suggest 5 that humanity has the ability to make the world a better place. Our collective history provides multiple examples of improvement, especially regarding inclusion. In the past century, people who have been considered as inferior have been given the right to vote. Additionally, children worldwide have

10 been given the right to education, play and protection. This is a huge improvement as only a few decades ago a child was expected to work for the family without any personal opinion. At least for women, people of colour and children, who actually make up the majority of the world population, the world is a much better place than before.

15 Large organisations, such as the United Nations, are another indicator that we can make the world better. While the criticisms against the UN are somewhat valid, the achievements are still noteworthy. It has eradicated polio and smallpox as well as provided sustainable aid to those in dire need. According to a report,

20 the UN’s peacekeeping efforts have reduced conflicts by 40% since the 1990s. Even though the United Nations is far from perfect, one cannot deny that it has made the world a more peaceful and better place. Finally, our human nature suggests that we are capable of a better world. Some

25 might argue that our nature is exactly what keeps us from building one – we are by nature selfish beings. However, humans are not entirely and completely selfish. If everyone was solely selfish, old people would die as soon as they could not feed themselves. Children wouldn’t be born for who wants to have their stomach bloated and go through excruciating pain only to take care of a helpless

30 being for ten years or more? The very fact that we exist along with many volunteers, such as doctors without borders and Mother Theresa, all attest to the self-less aspect of human nature that sacrifices for the benefit of others and the greater world.

35 The ideal world is not easily attainable. We’ve worked on it for thousands of years and are still far from perfecting it. Yet our history of humanitarian rights, large organisations such as the UN and the self-less aspect of human nature support the idea that we can work for a better, though not perfect world. We will continue to do so, hoping to make tomorrow better than today.


Annotated Text M

we can work for a better, though not perfect world

Genre 4 The writing is persuasive and convincing. Its arguments are credible and its tone supports the writer’s point of view.

Structure 4 The introduction and conclusion both support the writer’s argument that humanity is still striving to make the world a better place.

Idea quality 4 The ideas are coherently argued and work together in service of the writer’s overall argument.

Rhetorical devices 4 The writing uses both common and sophisticated devices effectively: • refutation (l.3–5, 17–18 [both less effective], 24–33), • statistics (l.20), • a scenario presented as a rhetorical question to increase the

impact on the reader (l.28–30), • thematisation (l.30–33), and • examples (l.31).

Vocabulary 4 The writing uses a range of effective vocabulary across the text (e.g. collective history, inferior, somewhat valid, eradicated, attest, sacrifice for the benefit of others, not easily attainable). Affective language is also used effectively: in dire need, excruciating pain only to take care of a helpless being


Grammar 5 All sentences, including complex types, are structured correctly for persuasive effect. The tense error in l.2 is not considered in this criterion.

Punctuation 3 Nearly all simple and complex punctuation are correct. Upper case is not used for proper nouns in doctors without borders and parenthetical commas are incomplete in l.38.

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Marking Criteria & Annotated Texts