MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

Marriage

• Approx ¼ of households traditional two parent families vs 45% in the l970s

• Average age of women to marry is 25.1 and men 26.7• Traditionally marriages arranged for economic or

political reasons, not for love• Motivation for marriage

– Economic– Sex– Searching for an identity– Escaping from an unhappy home life– Avoid loneliness– Pregnancy

Love

• Caring as much about another's happiness and needs as your own

• Applies both to romantic and parental love• Attraction

– Men-physical attraction as well as ability to be a good mother

– Women-financial or occupational status

Selecting a Mate

• Attracted to people who have similar– Ethnic background– Religion– Economic background– Educational background

• Should look for compatibility– Spend time together – Find out how the person acts when faced

with disappointments or frustrations

Marriage

• Happy marriages characterized by– Ability to empathize with one another– Strong sense of self identity– Realistic perceptions of yourself and your spouse– Ability to take criticism and argue fairly– Commitment to working on solving problems– Open communication– Ability to laugh and enjoy each other– Share power in the relationship– Loosen ties with original family– Have a sexual relationship that is satisfying to both

Marriage

• Problem areas– Children– In-laws– Money– How to spend free time– Sex– Division of labor at home

How to Fight

• Learn to fight so it is constructive not hurtful• Do not turn it into a drama• Know what you are trying to accomplish• Allow time for a fight• Do not use guilt• Do not leave in the middle of an argument

unless you fear violence• Listen to one another and repeat back what

you hear

How to Fight

• Focus on the issues at hand• Do not attack personalities• Avoid zingers, the words that can hurt• Little changes can lead to larger changes in

the relationship• Men have a difficult time handling conflicts

while women have a hard time tolerating emotional distance

Parenthood

• Ultimate responsibility 24 hours a day forever

• Expensive-roughly 250,000 to rear a child through college

• Couples who do not have children just as likely to be content with their marriage as those who do have kids

• Many people feel it enriches their lives• May put a strain on a shaky marriage, do not

have kids to save a relationship

Parental Responsibilities

• Must meet child’s basic needs• Emotional development

– Give them a sense of security– Meet their trust needs

• Intellectual development– Provide intellectual stimulation– Reading, singing, talking to child– Encourage child to try new experiences– ½ of a person’s intellectual capacity is developed

by age 4

Parental Responsibilities

• Social development– Teach a child how to function within society by

example and rules

• Self-esteem– Children who develop close bonds with their

siblings and parents have a higher self esteem– Lowest self esteem found in kids who saw

themselves alone in the family

Childcare

• 70% of mothers work outside the house• 2 income families needed to survive• Kids under one year were better off with one

care giver versus a day care center with many care givers

• Difficult decision for parents to make• One study found that working outside the

house was less important then the mental stability and maturity of parents in determining how kids fared in life

Domestic Violence

Domestic Abuse

• More then 1/3 of Americans have witnessed an episode of domestic violence

• 42% of women homicides committed by their spouse or boyfriend

• A married person more likely to be killed by their spouse

• 14% of American women say they have been beaten by a husband or boyfriend

• 21-25% of all women who visit the ER have been abused

Domestic Violence

• Women are victims at a rate 3 times that of men• A women is beaten every nine seconds in the US• Women are more often the victims of domestic

violence then victims of burglary, muggings or other physical crimes combined

• More then ½ of all the women on the street are fleeing domestic violence

• Pregnancy is a risk factor for violence• Domestic violence hot line 800-799-safe• San Mateo County 650-312-8515

Domestic Violence

• Abusive spouse feels they have the right ot control the other person

• Families become isolated with few societal controls put on the behavior

• Wife – No money and responsible for children– Low self esteem– Ashamed– May have been abused as a child and feels she

deserves it

Domestic Violence

• Man– Has the sense of right to control women and children– Looks like a normal person– Denies they have done anything– Blames the women– Minimizes the impact of violence– Blames drugs or alcohol for violence

• Teenage relationships– 25% teens experienced physical violence in dating– Use isolation, jealousy, violence– Want to control the girl

Domestic Violence

Are You Being Abused?

• Are you afraid of your partner?• Do they call you names or make you feel

stupid?• Does the person you’re involved with tell you

where you can and can’t go or who you can and can’t talk to?

• Do you feel pushed or forced into having sex?

• Does the person say it’s your fault when they hurt you?

Domestic Violence

• Does the person shove, grab, hit, pinch, hold you down or kick you?

• Is the person you’re seeing really nice sometimes and really mean at other times?

• Does this person make promises to change?• Do they pretend that they never hurt you?• Do they tell your that your are “making too

big a deal” out of it?

Domestic Violence

Child Abuse

• Every day 5 kids in the US die from abuse or neglect• Neglect is the most frequent form of abuse• Women abuse more then fathers• More abuse in larger families• Children have been

– Burned by boiling water, cigarettes– Hit with cords– Strangled, choked– Shaken child syndrome– Thrown against walls

Child Abuse

• 3 components present with child abuse– Increase during stressful periods, divorce, loss of

a job, financial problems– Usually centered on one child who is perceived as

being different– Often times parents were abused as children

• Law requires teachers, nurses, doctors, social workers to contact child protective services if abuse is suspected

• Children will often lie and defend their parents to prevent separation

Child Abuse

Child Abuse

Burned by boiling milk

Sexual Assault

• 2/3 or sex offenders in state prisons attacked children and 1/3 of victims were their children or stepchildren

• Only 10-15% involves a stranger, usually a close friend or relative

• 50,000 kids abused each year by parents or guardians

Divorce

• 43% of marriages end in divorce within 15 yrs

• African- American women least likely to marry and most likely to divorce

• Asian marriages most stable• Whites and Hispanics in the middle• ½ of those married before the age of 18

divorce• 40% of those married before 20 divorce• 24% of those married after 25 divorce

Divorce

• 43% of women whose parents were divorced are divorced within 10 years

• 29% of women whose parents remained married divorced within 10 years

• Women and children suffer a severe drop in their standard of living within one year of a divorce

Divorce

• Women complain of– Money problems– Physical abuse– Drinking– Verbal abuse

• Men complain of– Sexual incompatibility– In-law problems

Divorce

• Divorce very painful for the children and they need to know they are not the cause of the breakup

• When there is violence, the kids understand– Approx 1/3 of all divorces

• Low conflict marriages that dissolve are difficult for kids to understand– Approx 2/3 of all divorces

Alternative Lifestyles

• Single• Divorced• Single parents• Cohabitation

– All of the problems, none of the legal rights– Higher rates of divorce with cohabitation before

marriage

• Gay lifestyles• Older people living together