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Divorce BUG
Dear Student,
Hello. I am the Divorce Bug. I am highly contagious and terribly overworked. Its seems that no marriage is completely immune from me…so in attempt to reduce my work load, I’ve developed this presentation on divorce. Please study the information carefully and try some of the treatments.
Thanks,
The Divorce Bug
“Budgetitis”
Definition:– An inability to accept
spouse’s attitude toward money.
Symptoms:– $ primary arguments
– A feeling that spouse is spending you into financial ruin
– Tendency to “surprise” spouse with new items.
“Budgetitis”
Advanced Stages:
– Spend $ to get back at
spouse
– One spouse has complete
control of budget
Treatment:
– Discuss budget & priorities
– Compromise
– Be considerate of spouses
values and background
“Budgetitis”
CAUTION: If irritation
breaks out during
discussion, discontinue
treatment until tempers
cool down, then
increase dosage of
compromise and
understanding.
“Verbal Terminosis”
Definition:– A termination of open and honest communication
between you and your spouse.
Symptoms:– Tendency to watch for double meaning in our
spouse’s statements.
– You and your spouse both complain of being misunderstood.
– Difficulty in verbally expressing your feelings.
– Loss of intimate gestures, eye contact and private jokes only the two of you can understand.
– Increasing difficulty in finding something to discuss with your spouse.
“Verbal Terminosis”
Advanced Stages:– Difficulty in having a conversation which
doesn’t end in an argument.
– Long silences.
– Cannot relax with your spouse…conversation is stilted and repetitive
Treatment:– Have two one-hour discussions per week
without interruptions.
– Avoid accusations or defensive statements.
– Allow equal uninterrupted expressions of thoughts and feelings.
– Exercise understanding, acceptance, and empathy.
“Perfectomania”
Definition:– Unrealistic expectations for a
perfect marriage and/or a perfect spouse.
Symptoms:– You or your spouse have a
tendency to ignore problems affecting your marriage.
– You expect your spouse to look perfect at all times.
– You or your spouse expect every moment to be romantic.
– You expect your spouse to always be in a good mood.
– You have a feeling your spouse is not giving enough.
“Perfectomania”
Advanced Stages:– You cannot cope with misunderstanding or
disagreement with your spouse.
– You experience increasing disenchantment with your spouse and your marriage.
Treatment:– Plan and have one, two or more
discussions with your spouse as required.
– Apply honesty as you compare your personal expectations with your actual marriage.
– Allow equal expression of thoughts and feelings.
– Exercise a realistic and an open mind as you and your spouse consider ways to make marriage more satisfying. Be realistic.
“Lacko Affectionitis”
Definition:– Lack of affection between you and
your spouse.
Symptoms:– You must always have a special
occasion to give your spouse a gift.
– You have not sincerely said “I Love You” in at least 24 hours.
– You seldom kiss your spouse “hello” or “goodbye” in public or private.
– There is a decreasing use of verbal endearments between you and your spouse.
– You seldom hold your spouse’s hand or display any similar physical affection in public.
“Lacko Affectionitis”
Advanced Stages:– You have never been “caught”
kissing your spouse by your children.
– You consider romance unrealistic.
Treatment:– Make one phone call per day to
your spouse “just to talk.”
– Experience one date per week.
– Evenly apply verbal endearment and physical affection.
– Exercise continuous use of the words “I Love You”
– Plan to spend more meaningful moments together.
“Spouse Modificosis”
Definition:– Obsession with remaking your
spouse.
Symptoms:– You feel uncomfortable with
your spouse’s appearance, habits or personality.
– You have a tendency to point out your spouse’s faults.
– You have not sincerely complimented your spouse recently (24-48 hours).
– You tend to avoid introducing your spouse to friends.
“Spouse Modificosis”
Advanced Stages:– Increasing desire to make biting comments
to and about your spouse.
– As a result of your discomfort with your spouse, you spend less time together. (see: Companion MInusis).
Treatment:– Privately determine why your spouse’s
traits are causing you irritation. NOTE: Don’t be too Critical of your spouse’s faults…it may have been those very faults that kept him/her from getting a better mate.
– Consider how your behavior could be modified to bring out the best in your partner.
– Discuss your problem with your spouse, evenly applying love and support.
– Mix well with suggestions of how you can work together to become your “best selves.”
– Exercise patience, acceptance, and understanding.
“Spouse Modificosis”
CAUTION: Do not
attempt to change your
spouse. You married
your spouse because
you liked them the way
they were. Trying to
change your spouse
will backfire.
“Non Directionalicosis”
Definition:– Deficiency of goals in you marriage.
Symptoms:– Lack of direction in daily
activities…your marriage seems to be going nowhere.
– An increasing restless feeling between you and your spouse.
– You have not discussed the future with your spouse in two months.
– You experience an increasing desire to turn back the clock and have things as they were.
– You sense a realization that you have not accomplished the goals you set when first married.
– You and your spouse have not jointly set goals for your marriage.
“Non Directionalicosis”
Advanced Stages:– You feel a sense of fear when you
think about your children going out on their own and leaving you alone with your spouse.
– There is a feeling of failure and despondency between you and your spouse.
Treatment:– Together, set specific, attainable
goals for your marriage.
– Strive to have daily, as well as long-term, activities which will help you both achieve your goals.
– Exercise consideration and mutual support.
“Non Directionalicosis”
CATUTION:
– DO NOT OVERPLAN.
This too can be
hazardous to the health
of your marriage.
“Companion Minusis”
Definition:– Deficiency in time spent with
spouse.
Symptoms:– You are usually too busy to sit
down and talk with you spouse.
– You are not aware of the current interests of your spouse.
– The two of you have not gone on a “date” in at least a month.
– You are only together when you are with children, family or friends.
– You only participate together in activities which involve family management and/or problems.
Companion Minusis
Advanced Stages:– You and your spouse have not
had a half-hour of uninterrupted companionship in two weeks.
– You have not seen you spouse during waking hours in over a week.
Treatment:– Conduct one planning session
per week with your spouse to systematically schedule the time you will spend together.
– Schedule at least one date per week…NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
Divorce Bug
Good luck keeping your
marriage free of my viruses.
Please, please, please
follow the treatment plans
for these infectious
diseases. My wife and I
would like to take that
Caribbean Cruise we have
been planning sometime
soon!
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
• It is estimated that about 1/3 of divorces result from high levels of conflict and other serious problems
• 2/3 of couples divorcing say the reason is that “they’ve grown apart.”
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
A build-up of negativeinteractions(4 Danger Signs)
A failure to nurture thepositives—friendship, fun, and affection
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
ESCALATION
PUT-DOWN / INVALIDATION
AVOIDANCE / WITHDRAWAL
NEGATIVE INTERPRETATIONS
©Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Goal is to
Reduce, Stop,
Exit out of these
negative patterns
©Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Skills to Reduce, Stop & Exit Negative Interactions
• Recognize the four danger signs
• Use time-outs to cool down or reflect on actions/decisions
• Know how to complain effectively & raise issues
• Use speaker-listener technique when needed
• Use proper problem-solving techniques, such as compromise, in-depth discussions, and analysis of possible options
• Think about your expectations & discuss with each other
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Keeping Love & Friendship Alive
• Maintain your friendship
• Take time to connect—stay in touch with each other
• Make plans for fun, keep having dates
• Give daily appreciations
• Be physically affectionate
• Remind yourself frequently of your partner’s qualities
• Engage in healthy giving to each other
• Be faithful
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Benefits of a Healthy Marriage
Married men live, on average, seven years longer than single men.
Both men and women live less risky lives.
Healthy marriage also pays off in better general health—as in less disease and better recovery from illness. Married individuals have better immune systems.
However, high conflict and stress is harmful to health.
Those in healthy marriages have better emotional health than singles and those in unhealthy marriages.
Married couples enjoy higher income and wealth, on average.
Married couples also report more satisfying sex lives, on average, than singles.