Marriage Hidden Issues

CIOH Meeting Jun.5,2010

Issues and Events in marriage

• All couples experience frustrating events, they all have different issues

• Although triggered by an event, most conflicts are caused by an issue

• An example for issues are money, communication, children and control

• Couples do not usually argue about issue but about daily events, Example: “why did you talk to me in this manner", "How come you did not do grocery shopping this week?”

Issues and Events in marriage

• Instead of taking the time to find out what the issue is and discuss it. Many couples focus only on the triggering events.

• Events tend to come up in the wrong time, when your coming back home after a tiring long working day, when you are trying to get everyone ready to go to church, when the kids are fighting, when friends are coming over, etc

An Expensive Pair of Pants

• Sarah was so excited to come home from the mall to show her husband Jack the new pair of pants she just bought.

• Jack was happy about the pants till the moment she mentioned how much she paid for them.

• Knowing that she spent a $120 to buy a pair of pants, Jack started an argument about it that turned into a fight for the rest of the night

• What is the event and where is the issue?

Dealing with Triggering Events

• The event was buying new pair of paints while the issue was money spending.

• Do not try to deal with important issues only in the context of triggering events. It is wiser to discuss the issue at a later date

• Ecclesiastes 3: 1,7• السموات تحت امر ولكل زمان شيء لكل

وقت• وقت وللتكلم وقت .للسكوت

Hidden Issues

Hidden Issues• Hidden issues are deeper issues that usually

not known and lie behind many known issues and triggering events

• Power, caring , recognition and commitment are examples of hidden issues

Hidden Issues• Last week Magi had a big fight with Paul her

husband about a contractor he decided to use to do some renovations in the house’s basement.

• That is the event, what do you think the issue is?

Hidden Issues• This issue is explained in the Epistle of St. James

4:1-3• اليست 1 بينكم والخصومات الحروب اين من

. اعضائكم في المحاربة لذاتكم من هنا 2من . وتحسدون تقتلون تمتلكون ولستم تشتهون . وتحاربون تخاصمون تنالوا ان تقدرون ولستم

. تطلبون ال النكم تمتلكون تطلبون 3ولستملكي رديا تطلبون النكم تاخذون ولستم

لذاتكم في تنفقوا

Hidden Issue of Control and Power

Hidden Issue of Control and Power• You feel like the other spouse is trying to

control and direct you to live in a certain way• People who have experienced a very

controlling authority figure in their past (usually a parent) are usually hypersensitive about being controlled. They tend to mistrust their spouses and wrongly assume that their spouses aim to control them

Hidden Issue of Control and Power• Working together as a team is the best

solution to the control battle• Control and power arguments reflects

selfishness, teamwork reflects love and humility.

Hidden Issues• Peter and Maria had an argument last night about

Peter’s shirts that were not ironed for the last 3 weeks

• Since the beginning of their relationship Peter and Maria agreed that he would put out the garbage and she would iron his shirts every week

• When peter’s mom came for a visit she noticed his complains about the shirts and started doing them herself

• What is the issue here?

Hidden Issue of Caring

Hidden Issue of Caring

• Peter felt that Maria does not care about his needs and his mom is more concerned about him than her.

• To solve the caring issue it needs to be discussed openly .

Hidden Issues• Robert always complain that his wife Hilda

does not appreciate how hard he works to earn income for the family

• Hilda says that he is the one who does not appreciate the huge work I do to keep this house running.

• What issue is involved here?

Hidden Issues• This issue was raised between the disciples of

Our Lord Jesus Christ, • Mathew 20:20-21• مع 20 زبدي ابني ام اليه تقدمت حينئذ

. شيئا منه وطلبت وسجدت 21ابنيها . ان قل له قالت تريدين ماذا لها فقاليمينك عن واحد هذان ابناي يجلس

ملكوتك في اليسار عن .واالخر

Hidden Issue of Recognition

Hidden Issue of Recognition

• How did our Lord solve this issue?• Mathew 20:26-27• 26 . فيكم يكون ان اراد من بل فيكم هكذا يكون فال

. خادما لكم فليكن فيكم 27عظيما يكون ان اراد ومن . عبدا لكم فليكن يات 28اوال لم االنسان ابن ان كما

كثيرين عن فدية نفسه وليبذل ليخدم بل ليخدم

• To solve this issue, Our Lord advised His disciples to focus more on serving one another.

• One of the best ways to serve your mate is to recognize his or her contributions to your marriage

Hidden Issues• A huge argument started between Jim and

Rebecca when she tried to discuss with him the matter of opening her separate bank account

• Before their divorce each one of Robert parents had his own separate bank account

• What kind of issue that caused Robert to be ignited?

Hidden Issues• The Oneness that God planned for marriage is a

oneness of permanence not because God wants to put restrictions on us but because He cares about our need to have a secure relationship in marriage

• Mathew 19:5,9• من 4 خلق الذي ان قراتم اما لهم وقال فاجاب

وانثى ذكرا خلقهما . 5البدء هذا اجل من وقالويكون بامراته ويلتصق وامه اباه الرجل يترك

. واحدا جسدا بل 6االثنان اثنين بعد ليسا اذا . انسان يفرقه ال الله جمعه فالذي واحد .جسد

Hidden Issue of Commitment

Hidden Issue of commitment

• The focus of this issue is on long term security of the relationship

• The big hidden question that accompany that issue is “Are you going to stay with me?”

• People who had past experiences of divorce or separation in their pasts, struggle more with the fear about commitment

Hidden Issues• “You just do not care” Lillie accused Ted when

he forgot to drop by the store to buy bread for the kids’ lunch of the following day

• Ted feeling insulted at her calling him uncaring and inconsiderate to her needs, had to fight back accusing her of being lazy and passing her regular duties to him.

• What kind of hidden issue lies underneath this fight?

Hidden Issues• This issue was also addressed by St. Paul in 1

Corinthians 13:• Love does not judge thoughts or motives 1

Corinthians 13: 3-5• السوء تظن وال تحتد تفرح 6وال وال

بالحق تفرح بل كل 7باالثم وتحتملشيء كل وتصدق شيء

Hidden Issue of Integrity

Hidden Issue of Integrity

• A person could feel so upset when his/her spouse question your feelings or motives

• It is not wise to argue about what your partner really think, feels or intends