Marriage Mentoring and Couples Coaching 2 · Welcome to Light University and the “Marriage Mentoring and Couples Coaching 2.0” program of study. Our prayer is that you will be

MarriageMentoring

andCouplesCoaching2.0

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MarriageMentoringandCouplesCoaching2.0

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WelcometoLightUniversityandthe“MarriageMentoringandCouplesCoaching2.0”programofstudy.Our prayer is that you will be blessed by your studies and increase your effectiveness inreaching out to others. We believe you will find this program to be academically sound,clinicallyexcellentandbiblically-based.Our faculty represents some of the best in their field – including professors, counselors andministers who provide students with current, practical instruction relevant to the needs oftoday’sgenerations.We have alsoworked hard to provide youwith a program that is convenient and flexible –givingyoutheadvantageof“classroominstruction”onlineandallowingyoutocompleteyourtrainingonyourowntimeandscheduleinthecomfortofyourhomeoroffice.Thetestmaterialcanbefoundatwww.lightuniversity.comandmaybetakenopenbook.Onceyouhavesuccessfullycompletedthetest,whichcoverstheunitswithinthiscourse,youwillbeawardedacertificateofcompletionsignifyingyouhavecompletedthisprogramofstudy.Thank you for your interest in this program of study. Our prayer is that you will grow inknowledge,discernment,andpeople-skillsthroughoutthiscourseofstudy.Sincerely,

RonHawkinsDean,LightUniversity


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TheAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors

• Represents the largestorganizedmembership (nearly50,000)ofChristian counselorsandcaregiversintheworld,havingjustcelebratedits25thanniversaryin2011.

• Known for its top-tier publications (Christian Counseling Today, the Christian CounselingConnectionandChristianCoachingToday),professionalcredentialingopportunitiesofferedthroughtheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC),excellenceinChristiancounselingeducation, an arrayof broad-based conferences and live training events, radioprograms,regulatoryandadvocacyeffortsonbehalfofChristianprofessionals,apeer-reviewedEthicsCode, and collaborative partnerships such as Compassion International, the NationalHispanic Christian Leadership Conference and Care Net (to name a few), the AACC hasbecomethefaceofChristiancounselingtoday.

• With the needed vision and practical support necessary, the AACC helped launch the

International Christian Coaching Association (ICCA) in 2011, which now represents thelargest Christian life coaching organization in the world with over 2,000 members andgrowing.

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The AACC is committed to assisting Christian counselors, the entire “community of care,”licensedprofessionals,pastors,and laychurchmemberswith littleorno formal training. It isourintentiontoequipclinical,pastoral,andlaycaregiverswithbiblicaltruthandpsychosocialinsights that minister to hurting persons and helps them move to personal wholeness,interpersonalcompetence,mentalstability,andspiritualmaturity.


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OurVision

TheAACC’svisionhastwocriticaldimensions:First,wedesiretoservetheworldwideChristianChurch by helping foster maturity in Christ. Secondly, we aim to serve, educate, and equip1,000,000 professional clinicians, pastoral counselors, and lay helpers throughout the nextdecade.WearecommittedtohelpingtheChurchequipGod’speopletoloveandcareforoneanother.We recognize Christian counseling as a unique form of Christian discipleship, assisting thechurch in its call to bring believers to maturity in the lifelong process of sanctification—ofgrowingtomaturityinChristandexperiencingabundantlife.Werecognizesomearegiftedtodosointhecontextofaclinical,professionaland/orpastoralmanner.Wealsobelieveselected laypeoplearecalledtocareforothersandthattheyneedtheappropriatetrainingandmentoringtodoso.WebelievetheroleofthehelpingministryintheChurchmustbesupportedbythreestrongcords:thepastor,thelayhelper,andtheclinicalprofessional.ItistothesethreerolesthattheAACCisdedicatedtoserve(Ephesians4:11-13).

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LightUniversity• Establishedin1999undertheleadershipofDr.TimClinton—hasnowseennearly200,000

students from around the world (including lay caregivers, pastors and chaplains, crisisresponders,lifecoaches,andlicensedmentalhealthpractitioners)enrollincoursesthataredelivered via multiple formats (live conference and webinar presentations, video-basedcertificationtraining,andastate-of-theartonlinedistanceteachingplatform).

• Thesepresentations,courses,andcertificateanddiplomaprograms,offeroneofthemostcomprehensive orientations to Christian counseling anywhere. The strength of LightUniversity is partially determined by its world-class faculty—over 150 of the leadingChristianeducators,authors,mentalhealthcliniciansandlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates. This core groupof facultymembers represents a literal “Who’sWho” inChristiancounseling. No other university in the world has pulled together such a diverse andcomprehensivegroupofprofessionals.

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counseling, lifecoaching,mediation,andcrisis response—equippingcompetentcaregiversand ministry leaders who are making a difference in their churches, communities, andorganizations.

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TotrainonemillionBiblicalCounselors,ChristianLifeCoaches,andChristianCrisisRespondersbyeducating,equipping,andservingtoday’sChristianleaders.

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Video-basedCurriculum

• UtilizesDVDpresentations that incorporateover 150 of the leading Christian educators,authors,mentalhealthclinicians,andlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates.

• Eachpresentationisapproximately50-60minutesinlengthandmostareaccompaniedbyacorrespondingtext(inoutlineformat)anda10-questionexaminationtomeasurelearningoutcomes.Therearenearly1,000uniquepresentationsthatareavailableandorganizedinvariouscourseofferings.

• Learning is self-directed and pacing is determined according to the individual time

parameters/scheduleofeachparticipant.• With the successful completion of each program course, participants receive an official

Certificate of Completion. In addition to the normal Certificate of Completion that eachparticipant receives, Regular and Advanced Diplomas in Biblical Counseling are alsoavailable.

Ø TheRegularDiploma isawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFreeandoneadditionalElectiveamongtheavailableCoreCourses.

Ø TheAdvancedDiplomaisawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFree,andanythreeElectivesamongtheavailableCoreCourses.

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• LightUniversitycourses,programs,certificatesanddiplomasarerecognizedandendorsedbytheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC)anditsthreeaffiliateBoards:theBoardofChristianProfessional&PastoralCounselors(BCPPC);theBoardofChristianLifeCoaching(BCLC);andtheBoardofChristianCrisis&TraumaResponse(BCCTR).

• Credentialing is a separateprocess from certificate or diploma completion.However, theIBCC accepts Light University and Light University Online programs as meeting theacademic requirements for credentialing purposes. Graduates are eligible to apply forcredentialinginmostcases.

Ø Credentialinginvolvesanapplication,attestation,andpersonalreferences.

Ø CredentialrenewalsincludeContinuingEducationrequirements,re-attestation,andoccureitherannuallyorbienniallydependingonthespecificBoard.


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OnlineTesting

TheURLfortakingallquizzesforthiscourseis:http://www.lightuniversity.com/my-account/.

• TOLOGINTOYOURACCOUNT

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Ø Simplyclickonthefirstquiztobegin.• PRINTCERTIFICATE

Afterallquizzesaresuccessfullycompleted,a“PrintYourCertificate”buttonwillappearnearthetopofthecoursepage.YouwillnowbeabletoprintoutaCertificateofCompletion.Yournameandthecourseinformationarepre-populated.ContinuingEducationThe AACC is approved by the American Psychological Association (APA) to offer continuingeducationforpsychologists.TheAACCisaco-sponsorofthistrainingcurriculumandaNationalBoard of Certified Counselors (NBCC)ApprovedContinuing Education Provider (ACEPTM). TheAACC may award NBCC approved clock hours for events or programs that meet NBCCrequirements.TheAACCmaintainsresponsibilityforthecontentofthistrainingcurriculum.TheAACCalsoofferscontinuingeducationcreditforplaytherapiststhroughtheAssociationforPlayTherapy (APT Approved Provider #14-373), so long as the training element is specificallyapplicabletothepracticeofplaytherapy.It remains the responsibility of each individual to be aware of his/her state licensure andContinuing Education requirements. A letter certifying participation will be mailed to thoseindividuals who submit a Continuing Education request and have successfully completed allcourserequirements.


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Presentersfor

MarriageMentoring

andCouplesCoaching2.0


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PresenterBiographies

GaryChapman,Ph.D.,seekstofulfillhiscalltotheministryasapastor,speaker,andauthor.Hespeaks extensively throughout the U.S. and internationally on marriage, family, andrelationships.ThegovernmentofSingaporeinvitedhimtopresenthismarriageseminarthereandtheChaplain’sOfficeofNATOissuedaspecial invitationforDr.ChapmantospeaktotheNATOforcesinGermany.OtherengagementshavetakenhimtoEngland,Africa,SaudiArabia,Turkey,Mexico andHongKong. Sales exceeding fivemillion copies earnedhim thePlatinumBookAwardfromtheEvangelicalPublishersAssociationforTheFiveLoveLanguages,whichhasbeentranslatedintooverthirty-sixlanguages.Twenty-sevenotherbooksandfivevideoseriesarealsoamonghispublications.Onthehomefront,Dr.ChapmanisSeniorAssociatePastorofCalvaryBaptistChurch inWinston-Salem,NorthCarolina.Heandhiswife,Karolyn,have twoadultchildrenandtwograndchildren.LindaMintle,Ph.D.,isaLicensedMarriageandFamilyTherapist(LMFT),LicensedClinicalSocialWorker (LCSW), professor, author, and national speaker. She serves as Chair of BehavioralHealthattheCollegeofOsteopathicMedicineatLibertyUniversityinLynchburg,Virginia.With30yearsofclinicalexperienceworkingwithcouples,familiesandindividuals,sheisanexpertonrelationshipsandthepsychologyoffood,weight,andbodyimage.Dr.Mintlealsoservesasanationalnewsconsultant,BeliefNetblogger,andradioshowhost.Sheisabest-sellingauthorwith19booktitles, including IMarriedYou,NotYourFamily,DivorceProofingYourMarriage,andWeNeedtoTalk:HowtoSuccessfullyNavigateConflict.EricT.Scalise,Ph.D.,LPC,LMFT, isthePresidentofLIVEnterprises&Consulting,LLCandCEOfortheAlignmentAssociation,LLC.HeistheformerVicePresidentoftheAmericanAssociationof Christian Counselors (AACC), as well as the former Department Chair for CounselingProgramsatRegentUniversityinVirginiaBeach,VA.HeisanadjunctprofessorandtheSeniorEditorforbothAACCandtheCongressionalPrayerCaucusFoundation.Dr.ScaliseisaLicensedProfessionalCounselorandaLicensedMarriage&FamilyTherapistwith36yearsofclinicalandprofessionalexperienceinthementalhealthfield.HeservedsixyearsontheVirginiaBoardofCounseling and helped write the marriage and family regulations for the state. Otherresponsibilitieshave includedhisrolesastheExecutiveDirectorofthe InternationalBoardofChristian Care (IBCC) andmember of the Board of Reference for the International ChristianCoaching Association (ICCA). Specialty areas include professional and pastoral stress andburnout,compassionfatigue,mooddisorders,marriageandfamilyissues,combattraumaandPTSD, addictions and recovery, crisis response, grief and loss, leadership development, lifecoaching,andlaycounselortraining.HeisapublishedauthorwithZondervan,BakerBooks,andHarvest House, has authored over 30 articles on mental health issues, is a national andinternationalconferencespeaker,andfrequentlyworkswithorganizations,clinicians,ministryleaders,andchurchesonavarietyofissues.


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MarriageMentoringandCouplesCoaching2.0TableofContents:

MMCC101:Marriage:KeepingLoveAlive.............................................................................11LindaMintle,Ph.D.MMCC102:CoachingCouplesintheFiveLoveLanguages....................................................26GaryChapman,Ph.D.MMCC103:TheCoreEssentials:CreatingaMarriageTwoDieFor.........................................32EricScalise,Ph.D.


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MMCC101:

Marriage:KeepingLoveAlive

LindaMintle,Ph.D.


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Abstract

Thissessionwilladdresscommonfactorsthatcandiminishpassionandlovewithinamarriage,

aswellasstepstostrengthenintimacytogether.Dr.Mintleprovidesinsightintothepathways

that lead todivorce; shealsoexamines recent culture trends concerning loveandattraction.

Strategies for communication, conflict resolution, and lasting commitment will be discussed

andappliedtoworkingwithcouplesinaChristiancontext.Participantswilllearnpracticalways

tohelpcoupleskeeptheirlovealiveandstrengthentheirrelationship.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswill integrateresearchonbiologicalattractionandpathwaystodivorce in

ordertohelpcouplesintroublebetterunderstandandchangetheirrelationship.

2. Participantswillbeabletodemonstratehealthyconflictresolutionandcommunication

skillsandteachtheseprinciplestocouplesincounseling.

3. Participants will apply essential spiritual, behavioral, cognitive, and relational

componentstohelpcouplesstrengthentheirpassion,love,andcommitment.


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I. TheNewTrendof“GrayDivorce”

A. Understanding“GrayDivorce”

1. TheWall Street Journaldescribes thegrowing trend in couplesdivorcingafter the

ageof50as“graydivorce.”1

2. Thedivorceratehasdoubledforthoseage50andaboveinthelastdecade.2

3. Atthesametime,theoveralldivorcerateisdeclininginourculture.3

4. Despitethehighrateofdivorce,peoplearestillgettingmarriedatrecordrates.

B. WhatFuelsTheseRelationshipBreakups

1. Boomers are the first generation of people to be focused on self-fulfillment.

Happinesshasoverriddencommitmentinthis“me-focused”generation.

2. Manythinkthatmarriedcouplesshouldalwaysbeonahighandfullofpassion.This

iswhypeoplehaveaffairsandgetoutofmarriages—becausetheyare looking for

suchpassion.

3. Economically,womenhavemoreoptionsnow.Theyarelessreluctanttostayinthe

relationshipfortheeconomicvalue.

4. Peoplearelivinglonger.At50yearsold,anindividualhas20or30moreyearsthat

canbespentwithsomeoneelse.

5. Peoplearedefiningmarriagedifferently.Inthepastitwasmoreaboutbeingagood

motherandfather,wherethevalueofmeetingone’sownneedswassubservientto

theneedsofthefamily.


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C. CulturalViewsofMarriage

1. Marriage is being significantly impactedby our culture.Whenhappiness and self-

satisfaction are the primarily goals of marriage—in contrast with holiness and

sanctification through a God-ordained covenant—people are more likely to leave

whenevertheir“happinessquotient”isnotmet.

2. YouasaChristiancounselorcanhelpcouplesrecognizetheirstrugglesandbeginto

rebuildtheirrelationshipsopassioncancomealiveintheirmarriageonceagain.

3. Ironically,whena couplebreaksupand startsover, theymany times run into the

samemaritalproblems—evenwithadifferentspouse.Conflictisaninevitablepart

ofmarriage,butcanbenavigatedinawaythatstrengthens—ratherthandestroys—

therelationship.

II. TheScienceofAttraction

A. The“LoveCocktail”

1. Dopamine and norepinephrine flood the brain and are related to the reward

centersinthebrain.Thiscreatesfeelingsofeuphoria.

2. Serotonin levelsdropslightlywhendopamineandnorepinephrine floodthebrain.

This is similar to what happens with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Because of

thesechemicalchangesinthebrain,apersonactuallybecomesobsessedwithhisor

hersignificantother.

3. This“LoveCocktail”onlylastsfor12to36months.


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B. StrengtheningMaritalPassion

1. Therearedefinitelythingsthatcouplescandotobringbackthefeelingsofpassion.

2. Asweget intoa long-termrelationship,weareusually lessanxiousandobsessive.

Weseetheflawsofthepersonbecausewearenolongeridealizinghimorher.At

thispoint,however,therelationshiptendstobemorecalmandattached.

3. Whencoupleskeeptheemotionalbondstrongandtheirsex lifestaysactive, they

cankeepthepassionalive.

4. Addingnoveltytotherelationshipisonewaytobringbackthepassion.

5. Newexperiencesarewhatstimulatetherewardcentersinthebrain.

• Goingonapicnic

• Gettingacouples’massage

• Takeadrivetoafavoriteromanticspot

• Createnewmemoriesthroughhobbies

6. Doingsomethingoutoftheusualroutinestimulatesthebrain,andoncethatloveis

sparked, you should continue todonew things tobuildpassionand intensity into

yourrelationship.

III. PathwaystoDivorce

A. JohnGottman’sFourHorsemenoftheApocolypse4

1. Constantcriticismcankilllovequickly.5

2. Whenapersonhasmorecriticalthingsthanpositivethingstosayabouthisorher

spouse,thatleadstothesecondpathwaytodivorce,whichisdefensiveness.6


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3. Defensivenessleadstocontempt,whichisstrongerthanjustfeelingsofdislike.7

4. Contempt leads to stonewalling,which is, quite simply, putting up a stonewall—

shuttingone’sspouseoutfromthoughts,emotions,desires,andneeds.

5. At this point, couples become emotionally distant and grow apart. This is the

numberonepredictorofdivorce.8

B. MarryingtheRightPerson

1. Ifyoumarrysomeonewithalotofsimilarities,itismucheasierontherelationship.

2. Theresearchshowsthatcouplesdobetterwhentheymarrysomeonewiththesame

socio-economicstatus,intelligence,andreligiousvalues.

3. Childhoodexperiencesandourbiologyofattractionplayaroleinwhatwebringtoa

marriage.

4. Oppositesreallydon’tattract.

C. UnderstandingLove,Lust,andAttachment

1. AccordingtobiologicalanthropologistHelenFisher,loveisabiologicaldesire,nota

feeling.9

2. WithoutGodinourrelationships,commitmentisaverydifficultthing.

3. Theromanticsystemsoflove,lust,andattachment:


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• Love,lust,andattachmentarenotalwaysconnectedtoeachother.

• Wearecapableofbeing“inlovewith”morethanonepersonatatime.

• However, for the Christian, we must choose fidelity toward our spouse, no

matterwhoelsewemaybeattractedto.

• The commitment to be faithful in a relationship and sustain love needs to be

more than our biology. It is good to staywith the same person andwork to

cultivatefeelingsofpassion.

• AswepartnerwithGodanddemonstratehumilityandawillingnesstoworkon

problems inourrelationships,Godwillhelpusheal thepartsofusthatcreate

difficultyinrelationships.

• People who succeed in love and commitment are humble, agreeable,

accommodating,and take personal responsibility.Theseareall traits thatare

notculturallypopular.

IV. WhenAreCouplesinTrouble?

A. Coupleswhoarenegativeduringthefirstsixyearsoftheirmarriagehaveahardtime

stayingmarried.Theaveragedivorceoccursaroundtheseventhyear.

B. Partnerswhoaredisengagedfromeachotherandlackpositiveemotionshavetrouble

stayingtogether.


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C. Usually, when we look at the time periods within a relationship, there is something

goingonbetween10to12yearsofmarriage.Wefindmanypeopledivorcingbecause

theyarelookingforsomenewkindofsatisfaction.

V. ResolvingConflict

A. 96% of the time, the way a discussion begins will predict how it will end.10 In fact,

research shows when a wife approaches her husband with a harsh “startup,” the

conflictislikelynotresolved,butonlyescalates.

B. If one partner cannot repair damage done by a conflict, the other feels flooded and

usuallypullsaway.Thisemotionaldistancingbeginstounderminetherelationship.

C. Divorce becomes a pathwhen couples recall the past parts of their relationship in a

negativeway.Oneof themostoverriding thingsweknowaboutkeeping lovealive is

youhavetostaypositiveinyourrelationship.

D. Gottman talks about depositing positivity into an emotional bank so that when a

problemcomes,youhavesomethingtopulloutofthatbank.11

1. Happycoupleshave20positivestoeverynegative.

2. Forcoupleswhoarejustdoingokay,therearefivepositivestoeverynegative.

3. Forcoupleswhoarereallyhavingdifficultythereare.8positivesforeverynegative.


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E. 69% of couple conflict is perpetual and does not get resolved.12Most of a couple’s

problemswillnotgoaway;however, they can learn to listen,understandeachother,

andworktowardacompromise.

F. Whatisimportantinconflictsisthewayacoupledialogs.Conflictsgenerallygobetter

whenthefollowingthingshappen:

1. Thereisagentle“startup”

2. Thecouplestayspositiveduringtheconflict

3. Bothspouses’affectispositive

4. Thehusbandacceptstheinfluenceofhiswife

G. Ifconflictisatanintenselevel,menespeciallytendtobecomeoverwhelmed,flooded,

andeventuallyemotionallyshutdown.

1. Ifaman’sheartbeatgoesabove100bpm,heisgettingsofloodedinhisbrainthathe

can’tlikelystayintheconflictverywellandtendstodetachfromit.

2. Couplesshould learntosooththemselvesas individualsandeachother inconflict,

and dialog in a way that is respectful and shows love for the other person.

H. ResearcherPaulAmatohasfoundthat60%ofdivorcesarefromlowconflictcouples.13

1. Themarriagejustfizzled.Couplesstoppedpayingattentiontoeachotherandthey

lostthefunandexcitementintherelationship.


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2. However, the fizzle canbe turned into sizzle ifyoucreateboundariesaroundthe

relationshipbyreservingtimetogether.Teachyourclientstosay“no”toactivities

and“yes”totimetogether.

VI. JohnGottman’sSoundMaritalHouse

A. InGottman’stheoryofasoundrelationshiphouse,thefoundationisbuiltonamarital

friendship.

B. Developalovemapwithyourpartnertofindoutwhattheylike,areinterestedin,how

theyfeelaboutthings,etc.

C. Continuallygivefondnessandadmirationtoyourpartner.

D. Duringconflict,turntowardeachother,notwayfromeachother.

1. When couples get distressed and do not look toward their marital partner, the

relationshipisintrouble.

2. One might start talking about intimate details to other people and build that

friendshipandbond.Thatkindof fondnessandadmirationwithanother isexactly

whatshouldbegoingoninthemarriagetokeeplovealive.

E. You need to talk about the relationship if it is becomingmundane and you need to

changeafewthings.Addalittlezesttoyourrelationship.Trysomethingnew.


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F. Avoid the blame game. Blaming is the first step of criticism in the slippery slope to

divorce.

G. Talkabout times forchores,work,and tasksaroundthehouseandhowtodivide the

labor.Thoserelationshipsthatshowalittlebitmoreequalpowerseemtodobetter.

H. Controlyourangerandforgivequickly—don’tsitonangryfeelings.

“…Donotletthesungodownwhileyouarestillangry.”—Ephesians4:26

1. High cortisol levels staywith you through the night and do damage to both your

physicalbodyandtherelationship.

2. Thekeytokeepinglovealiveistorepair conflictandtobeable to forgivequickly

andmoveon.

I. Nagging ispartofanoverallnegativecommunicationpattern,and that iswhy it is so

damaging.

1. Dr.HowardMarkhamfoundwhencouplesstartfightingaboutthenaggingandnot

theissuethatcreatedit,theyareindangerofdivorce.Naggingcantakeonalifeof

itsown.

2. Understandingwhatisatthebottomofnaggingmighthelpyouavoidnaggingand

the negative cycle. If you are finding that you are doing a lot of nagging in the

relationship,askthesequestions:

• Areyouafraidthatyouwon’tgetwhatyouwantfromyourpartner?

• Areyouoverloadedwithtoomuchtodo?


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• Areyouoverlyobsessedaboutthingsgettingdoneimmediately?

• Areyouexpectingyourpartnertothinkandbelikeyou?

• Areyoua“TypeA”personlivingwitha“TypeB”spouse?

VII. TheImportanceofTimeTogether

A. Aninformalsurveyasked,“Whatwillimproveyourmarriage?”

1. 62%ofcouplessaidtheyneededtospendmoretimetogether.

2. Years ago, marital researchers found that couples who spend 5 hours a week

togethermaintainedsuccessfulrelationships.14

B. DateNightChallenge—businessespartneringwithchurchestoencouragecouplestogo

outonadate.

C. Buildinga“SoundMaritalHouse”throughRegularDates

1. Keepyour“lovemap”growingasyouseektolearnmoreaboutyourspouse.

2. Tellyourpartnerwhatyouappreciateabouthimorheronthedate.

3. Turntowardsyourpartner.

4. Dosomethingnovel,new,andoutoftheroutine.

5. Workonthemaritalfriendship.

6. Makethedatenightfunsothatyoucanstimulatethedopamineinthebrain.


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VIII. AMarriagethatLasts

A. Disposable…oraCovenant?

1. Intoday’sworld,marriageis lookedatassomethingverydisposableandseemsto

beallaboutfeelinghappyinsteadofcommitment.

2. However,marriage is about learning how to accommodate someone else in your

life.Therewillbetimeswhenyoudon’tfeelhappyatall!

3. It’s important to start marriage right! Newlyweds who are committed to and

understandtheirvowsdobetterinthelongrun.

4. Marriageisanunbreakablepromise.Constantlythink,“Iaminthisforlife.”

5. Marriage is a covenant. It can last for a lifetime, and love and passion can be

sustainedovertime.

B. GrowingLovethatLastsaLifetime

1. Praytogetherandcommittothecovenant.

2. Makeforgivenessyourdefault.

3. GivegracetoyourpartnerbecauseGodhasgivenyoualotofgrace.

4. Workonthesoundmaritalhouse.Workonthatfriendship!

5. Keep thepositives going. If you have a negative perception of your partner, you

dismissallthepositivesthatcomeup.


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6. Manage your conflict well by using dialogue that is respectful, gentle, and uses

biblicalguidelinesforconflict.

7. Makeyourdreamscometrue.Youhavetocreatesharedmeaningandlooktowards

thosegoalsanddreams.

IX. LostThatLovingFeeling?

A. GetIntoCouples’Counseling

1. Don’t try to navigatemarital challenges alone! You need an objective perspective

anda“safeplace”totalkthroughconflictsanddisagreementsandgainfeedback.

2. Thisisnottheend!Thelovingfeelingmaybegoneandyoumaybeinthenegative

override,feelingthatyouareattheendofthepathwaytogrowingapart,butyou

cancomebacktogetherandrestorelovingfeelings.

3. Oneoftheliesofdivorceissaying,“Ilostthatfeelinganditisgone,gone,gone.”It

is not gone. It can be restored through forgiveness, time together, and rebuilding

trust.Thiswillenableyoutofallinlovewithyourspousealloveragain.

B. UnderstandtheBiologyofLove

1. It isunrealistic to thinkyouaregoing to feelpassionateaboutyourpartnerevery

momentoftheday.

2. Scripturetellsustothinkonthingsthataregoodandlovely(Philippians4:8).Start

thinking about the positives of your relationship. Recall the memories that are

positiveandtalkaboutitasacouple.


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3. Work tomake yourmarital house very sound. Continue to grow your lovemaps,

turntowardeachotherintimesofstress,andshareyourdreamsandemotions.

4. Spendtimetogether,goonfundates,andbring innovelty tostimulatethebrain.

C. ConsiderTenThingsHappyPeopleDo

1. Gotobedatthesametime.

2. Cultivatesomecommoninterests.

3. Walkhand-in-handorside-by-side.

4. Maketrustandforgivenessyournaturaldefault.

5. Focusonwhatyourpartnerdoesright,notwrong.

6. Hugandkissyourpartnerassoonasyouseeeachotherafterwork.

7. Say“Iloveyou”and“Haveagoodday”everymorning.

8. Say“Iloveyou”and“Goodnight”everynightregardlessofhowyoufeel.

9. Doa“weathercheck”duringtheday.

10. Beproudtobeseenwithyourpartner.


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MMCC102:

CoachingCouples

intheFiveLoveLanguages

GaryChapman,Ph.D.


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Abstract

How a couple communicates love and care for one another makes a difference in any

relationship. Noted author, Dr. Cary Chapman, weaves together definitions of the various

threads and languages of love that need to be integrated into the tapestry of a flourishing,

lifelongmarriage.

LearningObjectives

1. ParticipantswillbeabletoidentifyanddefinetheFiveLoveLanguages.

2. Participantswill be able tohelphis/her clients to identify their own love language as

wellasthelovelanguageoftheirspouse.

3. Participantswill learnpracticalcoachingtipsforhelpingtheirclientscommunicateand

expresstrueloveeffectivelytotheirspouse.


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I. Introduction

II. Love

A. Love is theMost ImportantWord in the English Language, but it is Also theMost

ConfusingWordintheEnglishLanguage.

1. Usetheword“love”inathousandways

2. Loveasitrelatestoloveinmarriage

III. ExperienceofFallinginLove

A. TheBigReason–“Weareinlove!”–Whatdoesitmean?

B. BeginsWithaFeeling–“TheTingles”

C. LeadstoGreaterTingles

D. Verbalize“Iloveyou”ResultsinObsessionandaStageofEuphoria

1. Isfallinginlovebiblical?Yes(cf.Judges14;SongofSolomon4,5)

2. Reality:Culturaldifferencesexist in cultures regardingwhatdoafter the“tingles.”

Allculturalresponseshavestrengthsandweaknesses.Fallinginlovetendstomake

couplesblindtothisreality.


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3. Falling in love is awonderful experience, but it is not an adequate foundation to

buildamarriage–itistemporaryinnature

E. AverageLifespanofBeing“InLove”isTwoYears.

F. Being“InLove”ssNotanAdequateFoundationforaSuccessfulMarriage.

G. Reality:When You Come Off the High,Most People Break Up Because the Lack of

Feelings.

H. TheEndoftheEuphoricStateofLoveRequiresaTransitiontoanIntentionalStateof

Love.

IV. HowtoKeepEmotionalLoveAliveafterYouComeOfftheHigh

A. WhatMakesOnePersonFeelLovedDoesNotMakeAnotherPersonFeelLoved?We

can be very sincere in expressing love, but it may not be in the language the other

personunderstands.

B. The Five Love Languages: FiveWays to Express Love Emotionally and LearnHow to

SpeaktheOtherPerson’sLanguages

1. WordsofAffirmation


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2. GivingandReceivingGifts

3. ActsofService

4. QualityTime

5. PhysicalTouch

C. The Language that SpeaksMore Deeply to You Emotionally than the Other Four is

YourPrimaryLoveLanguage.

D. MostofUsHaveaPrimaryLoveLanguage,aSecondaryLoveLanguage,andtheOther

ThreeFollow.

V. LoveLanguagesinMarriage

A. InaMarriage,AlmostNever,DoaHusbandandWifeHavetheSameLoveLanguages.

B. MarriedCouplesAreMissingEachOtherEmotionallyBecauseTheyAreNotSpeaking

theRightLoveLanguage.


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C. MuchoftheMisbehaviorinMarriageComesfromtheEmptinessinOurLoveTank.

D. IfYouFeelLoved,YouCanHearEachOtherOutandFindSolutionstotheConflict.

E. AlloftheLoveLanguagesCanBeLearned.

F. CouplesCouldFindRebirthinTheirMarriageifTheyLearnedHowtoSpeaktheRight

LoveLanguage.

G. HowDoYouDiscoverYourLoveLanguageandtheOtherPerson’sLoveLanguage?

1. Observeyourownbehavior

2. Askthequestion:Whatdoyoucomplainaboutmostoften?

3. Askthequestion:Whatdowerequestmostoften?

VI. ClosingThoughts


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MMCC103:

TheCoreEssentials:

CreatingaMarriageTwoDieFor

EricScalise,Ph.D.


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Abstract

Great marriages usually don’t happen all by themselves, but often require two committed

people who have purposed in their hearts to create one. Marriage expert, Dr. Eric Scalise,

outlines seven keys to assist coaches in helping couples learn how to make the right

investments in their marriage: capacity, goal-oriented, time, perseverance, consistency,

sacrifice,andaccountability.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswilllearnsevenkeyprinciplesinhavingamarriagethattwowoulddiefor.

2. Participantswillbeabletoevaluatethecurrent levelof functioningaccordingtoeach

principlefortheclientcouple.

3. Participants will learn practical tips for helping the couple to increase functioning in

theirtargetedprincipleareas.


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I. Introduction

II. SevenPrinciplesinaMarriageTwoDieFor

A. Principle#1:Capacity

1. Colossians1:27;IJohn3:9;IPeter4:10—theDNAofHeaven

2. Neversettleforgoodwhengreatisavailable.

B. Principle#2:Goal-Oriented

1. Withoutthevision,peopleperish—ICorinthians9:24,26

2. Couplesneedtoknowwhattheyarefocusedon—Aphorao

3. Hebrews—Jesusistheauthorandfinisherofourfaith

4. Stayingfocusedandontherightroad.

5. Whatscriptareyoureadingfromnow?WhenJesusistheauthorofthemarriage,

Hecanmanageandrewritethestory.


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C. Principle#3:TimeInvestment

1. Timeisoneofthemostpreciouscommoditieswehave.

2. Galatians6:9—Reapifwedon’tgrowweary

3. MetaphoroftheOliveGrower

4. MakingoftheManofGod—themakingofasaintisthetaskofalifetime

5. Ecclesiastes3:1

D. Principle#4:Perseverance

1. Stick-to-it-iveness

2. Ecclesiastes5:3;Romans8:24-28;Philippians3:10-14

3. Effortisinvolved

4. Bringinghopeintoone’srealityrequiresperseverance.


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5. Ifcouplesdesireagreatmarriageasmuchasthebreaththeytake,theywillfindit.

6. AsMarriageCoacheswepressonwardandupward.

7. Example:Rollerskatesonaslightincline

8. Hebrews12:1-2—Layasideeveryencumbranceandrun

9. Helpclientstoemptytheirpockets.

10. James1—Thetestingofourfaithdevelopsperseverance

E. Principle#5:Consistency

1. Humannaturegetslazy.

2. ICor.15:58—Steadfast,Unmovable

3. Yesterday’sexcellenceistoday’smediocrityandtomorrow’sfailure.

4. Wecan’tbeonandoffagainChristians.


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5. Wemustbereadyinseasonandoutofseason.

6. Godismoreintotherefiningbusinessthanthesuccessfulbusiness.

F. Principle#6:Sacrifice

1. AmarriagetodieforrequiresamarriagethatTWOdiefor.

2. Greatisavailable,butisnotforfree.

3. Aretheywillingtoexperiencethedeaththatprecedesthisresurrection?

4. Luke9:23—Denyyourcross

5. ChallengecouplestoallowtheCrosstobringaboutbrokennessintheirlife.Forit's

outofthatbrokennessthatlifecomes.

G. Principle#7:Accountability/Coach-ability

1. People who are great still surround themselves with others who are able to

challengeandencouragethemtodobetter.

2. Ecclesiastes4:9


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3. Bearopeholderforcouples.

4. Helpthembeaccountable.

5. Thelackofaccountabilityisthenumberonereasonmarriagesfail.

6. Don’tbediscouragedifyouneedtoletacouplegooriftheyletyougobecausethey

areunwillingtoacceptaccountability.

III. ClosingThoughts


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Marriage Mentoring and Couples Coaching 2 · Welcome to Light University and the “Marriage Mentoring and Couples Coaching 2.0” program of study. Our prayer is that you will be