It’s not as if I didn’t know what I was in for. We first lived together for

almost 10 years, a fact that already had me condemned as a lunatic in

some minds. I was there when the whole homebrewing hobby was

started by a well-meaning family friend on his birthday. My beloved’s

eyes widened with joy as he unwrapped the huge mysterious package

to reveal a set of white buckets, odd hoses and assorted things I still

have no clue the function of. Well-meaning, sure. It wasn’t her party

dress that caught the full fury of the annual cider fermentation. I’ll tell

you, the smell never fully goes away, and it really is too complex an

explanation to satisfy the people I meet at parties. It’s easier to just let

them go on with the belief that I’m either soused or devoted to one of

those odd French perfumes.

S ome people think I’m nuts. I married a homebrewer. What in the world

could have possessed me to happily scamper down the aisle and into the

forever loving arms of a man whose bubbling, blobbing, odd-smelling hobby has

severely cut down on my personal closet space and contributed to what some of

my friends call “aroma couture”?

So IMarried a

HomebrewerBy Diana Davis

Illustration by Mike Moran

So IMarried a

Homebrewer

I remember the premier brew well. He putpineapple guavas in it. We all learn someof the best lessons the hard way, I guess. Itwas an interesting beer, and I say “inter-esting” in the same spirit here as someonewho can’t think of anything nice to say.Thank goodness he never did it again.

The pineapple guava recipe went out thewindow, but enthusiasm didn’t. Ha!Enthusiasm couldn’t reach the window!It’d have to climb over carboys, chillers,fermenters, secondary fermenters, spoons,skimmers, cappers, endless boxes ofbrown bottles, bags of caps, kegs, CO2tanks, hoses, pipes, fittings, sanitizing sup-plies, huge pots and blow-off tubes. Howcan we have four beers, an ale, cider andmead fermenting amid my shoes, dresses,blouses and gowns when all the equip-ment is out here?

The mishaps and sacrifices have beenmany, but at least varied and entertain-ing. I’m proud to say only one bottleexploded, ever. And I really never likedthat leopard-print shirt Mom gave mefor my birthday, anyway. I’ll miss thenegligee, though. My kitchen floor islucky it was a mottled brown pattern tobegin with, and really, the dog rarelysticks to it anymore. My stovetop gaveup trying to look white years ago. Ourhousecleaner just laughs. I’ve learned tostop asking about the mysterious crustystains in the closet carpet around theblow-off bucket, and after a half hour ofpatient explaining, so has she. Althoughwhy he seems to only brew the day aftershe comes and uses her super powers toscour the apartment sparkly clean stillremains unclear.

Really, who needs a bathtub in theserushed, modern times? Like I have timeto spare for that long, relaxing bubblebath in fragrant, scented, bubbly-softwater. Even if I never use it, though, I’mproud to say it’s the most sanitary tub inthe building, despite the ever-floatingbrown bottles, caps and collection of Dr.Frankenstein-looking glassware. Myguest bathroom has doubled as a kegand equipment storage for so long, Ibarely blink at the arrival of a new tallmetal cylinder. Besides, who else canenjoy a relaxing glass of the finest brew

in the most delicate of times? It beatsthose boring Uncle John books. Closetspace is overrated, too. And counterspace. And floor space. Who needsspace indoors? That’s what outside isfor, right?

I admit it, I’m guilty of adding fuel to thefire. Look, he’s just easier than many guysto shop for. I jaunt down to the supplystore on the off chance he’s not there, lookaround madly for a half hour or so, andbuy the thing with the name I rememberhim mentioning sometime in the year. Idon’t know what a refractometer does,really, but it was well received. The wortchiller was difficult to wrap, copper tub-ing coiled like a cobra, but it did mean Iget my kitchen sink back a whole lotfaster and ice was once again available inthe freezer. The beer gun wasn’t as fun asit sounds like it should be, but he seemsto like it. Yes, I did orchestrate the gather-ing of funds for the first of the kegerators,and yeah, I went out and bought an entirematching bar to go with it, but I hated thekitchen table, and eating breakfast at a barhas an element of adventure and living life“on the edge.” He didn’t flinch when Ispent my Christmas bonus on a winefridge. He didn’t dare.

I have to say, I’ve met some of the mostfun people I know through his club. I’mnot sure why they all have goatees, withthe exception of most of the women, butthey really do know how to have a goodtime. They are some of the most cheery,friendly people I know, even before thefourth glass.

We’re always invited to parties with ournon-brew friends, too. At each fling, we’reeagerly welcomed by our hosts, who rushopen-armed as we come in the door torelieve us of our heavy clinking bags andreplenish the bar as quickly as they can.OK, I’m just kidding. I’m sure we’re val-ued as guests for more than our endlesssupply of free tasty brew. Mostly sure,anyhow.

I could never say I live a boring life of pre-dictability. Who knows what I’ll find thenext time I come home from work? It’sexciting, seeing those huge pots headingfor the stove, never being sure exactlywhat he’s going to brew up or if I’m goingto spend the night cleaning wort off thestove, floors, countertops and ceiling. It’san everyday thrill guessing what thesound and smell emanating from thedepths of my walk-in closet really is.

How many girls can say their father isthrilled with his son-in-law? I’ve never seenDad’s smile so sunny as the day he foundout. All of his friends are so jealous! Theirsons-in-law all pale in comparison!Programmers, engineers and surgeons. Canthey whip up a case of nut brown ale? Whatdo they know of hops in their world oftechnology, engineering, medicine andcriminal law? Those men get microchips forChristmas, sweaters for birthdays and golfclubs for Father’s Day. My Dad suppresses asmug smile as he pops the caps off a fewwell-matured bottles of birthday brew andlets them all taste what they’re missing.

5 2 ZYMURGY September/October 2007 www.beertown.org

It’s not asif I didnt

know whatI was in

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“Tell me again about your daughter’s hus-band’s hobby, Fred. Something to do withstamps? Here, let me refill your glass. Oh,don’t worry, it’s no trouble—they sent meup a whole case! Plenty more where thatcame from!” He practiced his toast for ayear and practically sprinted with medown the aisle on the blessed day.

Speaking of which, thanks to the home-brew club, my bill for a completely openbar was a big, fat zero. Zilch. Nada.

Yeah, I’m the crazy one.

Diana Davis lives with her homebrewinghubby, Cullen, in Sherman Oaks, Calif.

pint rule: Is this good enough to drink asecond pint?

As Table 1 shows, the 12 entries werequite varied ranging from a Dortmunderand Helles more easily made from a pil-sner malt wort than the Imperial IPAs anda number of Belgian ales. The Old Aleand Rauchbier certainly took ingenuity toget pilsner malt to yield these styles withthe limitations on added fermentables.All involved were amazed at the stylesthat were created from the same startingpoint.

The WinnersThird place in this unique competitionwas Clair with his Belgian Specialty, aUnibroue Maudite clone. Second placewas Ted Johnston with his Tripel. Andfirst place was yours truly with an Orvalclone. All were Belgian styles that benefit-ed from originality as well as drinkability.The announcement of the winners tookplace during the awards ceremony of theBuzz Off in June. First prize was indeed awonderful beer dinner for four featuring anumber of the Iron Brewer beers. The chefhad prepared a one-of-a-kind dinner witheach course paired to one of the IronBrewer beers supplied by the entrants ofthe competition. The menu for this specialdinner is shown in Table 3. The chef’spairings were excellent, blending as ifthey were just made to be together.

Even better, it’s become an annual event.BUZZ members once again teamed withIron Hill, collecting wort last December29 for the second annual Iron Brewercompetition. More club members partici-pated this time, with entries includingschwarzbier, Maibock, Northern GermanAltbier, California Common, Imperial IPA,Belgian Specialty, Oud Bruin, BelgianTripel, English barleywine, classic rauch-bier, EKU 28 clone and an herb beer con-taining lemongrass and ginger. JohnReagan took first place with his NorthernGerman Altbier, Jared Spidel was secondwith his Belgian Specialty, while RussHobaugh was third with his Schwarzbier.All the beers scored in the 30s, so therewas no marinade for the cook but we’resure that there will be great food to gowith these beers for the winner and hisguests to enjoy.

Your club and the local breweries andbrewpubs can have a close and symbioticrelationship like the one BUZZ and IronHill enjoy. If a brewery chooses to brewthe winning entry in your homebrewcompetition, consider entering it in theGABF Pro-Am competition. Or createyour own unique project like the IronBrewer and include your professionalbrewing friends in your project. We are allcraft brewers and these fun projects buildgreat relationships—and great beer.

BUZZ member David Houseman is aBJCP Grand Master III certified judgeand competition director for the BJCPas well as a regular contributor to theCommercial Calibration departmentin Zymurgy. He lives in ChesterSprings, Pa.

www.beertown.org September/October 2007 ZYMURGY 5 3

Iron Brewer Showdown (continued from 49)

Table 3: Iron Hill BeerDinner Menu

Cheese PlateOssau iraty (French sheep’s milk)

Farmhouse cheddar (Massachusetts)

Groundhog Orval Clone, David Houseman

Angel Hair PastaRed snapper, shrimp, clams and basil pesto sauce

Belgian Tripel,Ted Johnston

Grilled Beef Tenderloin MedallionsSour cream smashed red skin potatoes

Asparagus spears, smokedVidalia onion-

portobello relish, marsala wine sauce

Classic Rauchbier, Bob Purrenhage

Old Fashioned Oatmeal CakeServed warm with vanilla ice cream

Old Ale, Russ Hobaugh

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