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Meeting the ShadowHow to Hear and Act on Challenging Feedback
In-Service Training: September 2, 2011
Daniel K. OestreichOestreich Associates
Renton WA • [email protected] • 425-922-2859© 2011 Oestreich Associates. All Rights Reserved.
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Johari Window
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Enlarging the “Arena”
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Drama Triangle
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Breaking the Cycle
• Support without commiseration: holding self and others capable
•A focus on personal choices and courageous, self-initiated action
•An emphasis on learning rather than self-protection
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Finding the Courage to Speak Up
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Wheel Diagrams
Thoughtless Comments Zingers and
not so subtle put-downs
Show irritation and impatience
Leak criticism of others’ capability and intelligence
YOUR LABEL
VISIBLE BEHAVIORS
Explain things over and over to others
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Today’s Focus
• The receiver’s change in behavior as a result of feedback
• What we can do to facilitate our own growth, since we are all receivers at one time or another
• Not about being a more effective messenger, today, or at least not very much. It’s about us as receivers, how we respond, and how we change (or do not) as the result of feedback.
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Two Energies
Growth StabilityMore ConsciousMore Intentional
“Desire for Change”
More UnconsciousMore Reactive
“Immunity to Change”
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Concept of Shadow•Originally from Swiss founder of Analytical Psychology, Carl Jung
•Refers to “everything a person doesn’t wish to be”
•Related to “blind spot” and “unknown” in Johari Window
•Unconscious material -- outlawed from consciousness because does not fit current self-concept
• Initially formed as a result of what was acceptable/unacceptable to primary caregivers
•Not good or bad; contains psychological “gold.”
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Power of Shadow
• Protect and defend our current sense of identity and self-image from any exposure that could lead to shame, guilt, embarrassment or other uncomfortable emotions and dangers
•Our identity in part becomes stable via this protection.
•One way to look at Shadow is what we do when we experience some form of vulnerability and automatically or unconsciously defend ourselves. (We use our power at that point.)
•These defenses take a million different forms...
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Feedback
• Feedback touches our vulnerabilities, threatening exposure and negative emotions
•When we are defending we are not learning or behaving differently
•As a consequence, no behavioral change occurs.
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Four Stories• “When I give them feedback they say they don’t like the way I’m giving it -- it’s too negative, they say. But it seems
to me they are making me responsible for how they feel.” (I’m just trying to tell the truth, do my duty to this place, and carry out the policies.)
• “If we could all work together and just get along, that would be wonderful. Why do we always have to be so critical of each other?” (Let’s pretend and not cause trouble for each other.)
• “I know she’s right about me. This is just like what I’m facing at home with my spouse. I don’t know why I can’t be different!” (You don’t know how hard I’m trying and how much this stirs up personal pain.)
• “Look, I gotta be me and I gotta do it my way! This is just the way I am and if others don’t like it, it’s kinda their problem.” (Get off my back!)
In small groups, discuss what you believe are the power issues in each of these four situations.
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Feeding the Shadow Doesn’t Encourage Positive Change
• “Yes, you are right, don’t let them take advantage of you! You need to hold them accountable!”
• “You’re a sensitive person and so much nicer than _________.”
• “What can I do to help and support you -- you’ve been through so much!”
• “I hear you, man. It’s important not to let them make you into something that you are not.”
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The point is, when receiving feedback, to listen vulnerably,
reflect deeply, and to act authentically, based on the gains in
self-knowledge.
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•Vulnerably --“Help me understand how I am making you feel. Let’s work through this.”
•Directly -- “I want to face what this critical feedback really means...”
•Honestly --“Here’s where I see my accountability, in spite of the challenges I’m facing...”
• Sincerely --“I’d like your help as I continue to improve...”
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•Vulnerably --“Help me understand how I am making you feel. Let’s work through this.”
•Directly -- “I want to face what this critical feedback really means...”
•Honestly --“Here’s where I see my accountability, in spite of the challenges I’m facing...”
• Sincerely --“I’d like your help as I continue to improve...”
Authenticity
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Open, yesRespectful, yes
Trust-building, yesScary, kind of...
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YourChoice
Yes/Self • No/OthersAFFIRM
No/Self • No/OthersSANCTION
Yes/Self • Yes/OthersEMBRACE
No/Self • Yes/OthersSACRIFICE
FOUR KINDS OF POWER
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We Use...
•All four kinds of power depending on circumstances
• But we definitely have preferences and our use is not balanced
• Particularly when we are defending ourselves....
• Personal growth is an “arc” from overusing one power source (the shadowy one we use for defending) -- to reclaiming an underused positive power source that we need. This is a path from ego to personal integration, from self to Self.
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“Arc” is a term from the world of writing. It is the change that defines a particular character
within a larger story.
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Positive Power Qualities• Embrace (Yes/Yes) includes openness, faith, surrender, mutual
affirmation, connection or communion, shared experience, flow, equality without loss of identity; genuinely collaborating. “Mutual leadership”
• Affirm (Yes/No) includes assertion, self-valuing and self-reliance, standing firm, taking meaningful risks, differentiation from others, honoring a unique path in life; creating and achieving. “Passionate leadership”
• Sacrifice (No/Yes) includes noble, unselfish or compassionate action, a purpose larger than self, generosity without needing recognition or thanks; teaching and nurturing others. “Servant leadership”
• Sanction (No/No) includes living a congruent, integrity based and principled life (values, needs and actions match); doing the right thing for both self and others; following ideals. “Ethical leadership”
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Each Form of Power Has Its Own Shadows
• The shadows of “Embrace” include exhaustion, addiction/co-dependence, hedonism, escapism and wishful thinking, denial, holding onto destructive relationships, and false optimism.
• The shadows of “Affirm” include selfishness, isolation, narcissism, retaliation, blame and judgment, using or controlling others who are viewed as not as special, deserving or strong.
• The shadows of “Sacrifice” include victimization, helplessness, self-pity, self-sabotaging, martyrdom, fatalism, and manipulation of others through guilt.
• The shadows of “Sanction” include negativity, critical perfectionism, righteousness, cynicism/sarcasm, hypocrisy and accusations of others’ hypocrisy, and troll-like destructive behaviors.
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Our Shadow defenses keep us who we were. Our arc takes us toward who we can be. Shadow is the short-term “fix” that prevents us from taking the risk to
follow Self.
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“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
-- Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
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The “Arc”
Shadow Power: my power to defend
who I am or was
Positive Power: my power to become who I want to be and
can be.
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“Arcs” from the Movies
• From self-effacing to Embracing: Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love.
• From isolation to Sacrificing: Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.
• From cynicism to Affirming: Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.
• From co-dependence to Sanctioning: Sandra Bullock in 28 Days.
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The point is: people change most easily when it furthers their own natural, positive arc, balancing out
the four forms of power.
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When you receive feedback you will be able to learn from it and
integrate new action faster if you can place it in the context of the
positive power you are destined to acquire as part of your life .
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You could call your “arc” your lesson, a key lesson that will help you have a good life.
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Sometimes we don’t know what kind of power to head for or we are afraid of it, and we make mistakes about it over
and over, letting Shadow drive our choices.
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That’s one of the reasons why we need each other.
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To be mirrors. And to help us get to the right “yeses” and “no’s” to others
and to ourselves.
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So how do you know what your shadow is? Your arc?
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No one else can say what your shadow is. You decide.
Welcoming feedback is one way to get information.
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Meeting the Shadow• Become familiar with the four types of cards. You have six of each kind.
• Circulate in the crowd to someone you know. You’ll work as a pair, one-on-one. Once you have paired up, without discussion, turn away from one another and
1) quickly find which one of the four cards generally best describes your partner’s Shadow. (For example, consider how your partner operates when under stress.) Then circle the one Shadow word listed that best describes your partner. If a better word comes to mind that fits with the list, write it in under “Other” and circle that word instead.
2) Without letting your partner see which card you’ve chosen or the word(s) you’ve circled or written, drop it into your partner’s bag and immediately move on to your next partner.
• Do this five times with five different partners, then sit down. Do your best not to wait for partners. If one person is tied up, find someone else you know in order to complete the exercise quickly.
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EmbracePositive Power:
Openness, faith, surrender, mutual affirmation, connection or communion, shared experience, flow, equality without loss of
identity; genuinely collaborating. “Mutual leadership”
Shadow of Overuse:Exhaustion, addiction/co-dependence, hedonism, escapism and
wishful thinking, denial, holding onto destructive relationships, false optimism.
Other:
AffirmPositive Power:
Assertion, self-valuing and self-reliance, standing firm, taking meaningful risks, differentiation from others, honoring
a unique path in life; creating and achieving. “Passionate leadership”
Shadow of Overuse:Selfishness, isolation, narcissism, retaliation, blame and
judgment, intimidation, using or controlling others, who are viewed as not as special, deserving or strong.
Other:
SanctionPositive Power:
Living a congruent, integrity based and principled life (values, needs and actions match); doing the right thing for both self and others;
following ideals. “Ethical leadership”
Shadow of Overuse:Negativity, critical perfectionism, righteousness, cynicism/sarcasm,
hypocrisy and accusations about others’ hypocrisy, and troll-like destructive behaviors.
Other:
SacrificePositive Power:
Noble, unselfish or compassionate action, a purpose larger than self, generosity without needing recognition or thanks;
teaching and nurturing others. “Servant leadership”
Shadow of Overuse:Victimization, helplessness, self-pity, self-sabotaging,
martyrdom, fatalism, and manipulation of others through guilt.
Other:
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“When you are pretty sure you see someone else’s shadow, there’s a great likelihood that you are standing in your own.”
-- Barbara Bouchet
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ProjectionA Shadow projection is what you disown by placing it on other people.
Shadow is often manifest in people or human attributes we can’t stand or deeply admire in others. Because we do not accept these parts of ourselves, the only thing we can do is “give them away.” But once projected, because these attributes are still part of us and are real, they come back to us from our world -- through our perceptions, how we feel we are treated, what our relationships are like, and many other ways. We can find out a lot about our Shadows through what we give to others that really belongs to us.
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Self-Reflection: Part I• Is there a pattern in the cards you received? This is what
others are projecting onto you. Your work is to decide if there is some truth to these projections.
• Is there a pattern in the cards that you gave out? This is what you are projecting onto others. Your work is to decide what this means for your own Shadow qualities.
•What do you “resonate with”? You may or may not resonate with anything since by nature Shadow is a blind spot.
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Self-Reflection: Part II
• Your “arc” is about moving toward a source of power that you have typically underused.
• Look at the revised “boxes” for this exercise. These show Underuse of Positive Power rather than its Overuse.
• Cross out the box for the Positive Power that you are overusing.
• From the remaining three, pick the Positive Power that you most underuse and would most like and need to grow.
• From Shadow of Overuse to Positive Power in the area of Underuse = Your Arc.
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EmbracePositive Power:
Openness, faith, surrender, mutual affirmation, connection or communion, shared experience, flow, equality without loss of
identity; genuinely collaborating. “Mutual leadership”
Shadow of Underuse:Unable to “let go” or surrender to experiences and relationships,
tense, hesitant about new people, new communities, experiences or possibilities, difficulty adapting to imposed changes; “life is all hard
work.”
AffirmPositive Power:
Assertion, self-valuing and self-reliance, standing firm, taking meaningful risks, differentiation from others, honoring
a unique path in life; creating and achieving. “Passionate leadership”
Shadow of Underuse:Insecurity, safety-seeking, going along, cowardice,
compliance, not thinking for self; allowing others to take advantage, letting opportunities slip by.
SanctionPositive Power:
Living a congruent, integrity based and principled life (values, needs and actions match); doing the right thing for both self and others;
following ideals. “Ethical leadership”
Shadow of Underuse:Driven by impulses and desires, lack of self-discipline, avoidance of
life challenges and responsibilities, untrustworthy, unpredictable behaviors, broken promises to self and others.
SacrificePositive Power:
Noble, unselfish or compassionate action, a purpose larger than self, generosity without needing recognition or thanks;
teaching and nurturing others. “Servant leadership”
Shadow of Underuse:Sense of empty personal accomplishments or rewards; striving for ever bigger signals of personal success or
recognition; disconnection from bulk of humanity.
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How Do You Know Which Positive Power to Pick for Your “Arc”?• You underuse it -- it’s not the same as the kind of power you overuse.
• You have an intrinsic interest in this type of power and wish you had more of it -- it feels meaningful, fulfilling and right intuitively.
• You already have some stories in your life that reflect this arc.
• You admire this quality in others and find yourself attracted to such people.
• Others see this potential in you and are encouraging.
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Example• When you look at the cards in your bag, you can see there’s a pattern that
suggests you have a Shadow around being too self-pitying (Shadow of Sacrifice).
• Now look at the Boxes for Underuse. Cross out the entire box for Sacrifice and look at the other three. You find that you identify most with statements for Underuse related to Affirm and you feel attracted to the language describing Affirm as a Positive Power, especially the word, “self-reliance.”
• Your arc is from self-pitying to Affirming, particularly with regard to self-reliance.
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Debriefing Exercise
• Find one or two others you like and trust.
•Review for a moment silently the description of twelve possible arcs, circling yours on the page. Does the description resonate? If not, how would you change it?
•Then talk together about your reactions to the entire exercise. Reveal your arc, being specific.
• Give one another help to clarify and reinforce the learning.
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Twelve Possible Arcs
AffirmEmbrace
SacrificeSanction
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Lessons for Receivers • Work to reframe feedback given to you in terms of the your own arc.
• First, get all the feedback. Ask questions. Have a dialogue.
• Notice reactions related to Overuse of a power. Soothe and support yourself.
• Remember what your Arc is about. Consider how you can use the feedback as part of learning to Embrace, Affirm, Sacrifice or Sanction -- whatever you need to reclaim. How does the feedback fit with that?
• Reflect, reflect, reflect.
• Identify some baby steps toward the Positive Power you want and need that addresses the feedback.
• Try the steps out; then get back to the messengers and to share how their feedback and dialogue are being used.
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Example: Jan knows her arc is from self-pitying to self-reliance (from overused Sacrifice to Affirming as a Positive Power.) She received feedback that she should be more cooperative with colleagues, especially when she and other teachers are in front of the children.
She moved into reflection, consciously resisting the temptation to pity herself. She reminded herself that self-pity is an overuse of the power of Sacrifice, which is really about noble, selfless action, a Positive Power she already had. Without self-pity, she observed herself carefully. She could see that occasionally she had been short with other teachers.
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She then focused on her desire for self-reliance as part of the Positive Power she felt she needed. She said to herself, “It’s up to me to figure out how to cure my tendency to be short with others, especially when I don’t agree with what they are doing,” and she asked yourself: “How can I use this feedback to become more self-reliant, especially when I see people doing things I don’t agree with?”
She then answered that question in terms of a small shift in behavior -- one small thing she decided for herself she could do differently -- which was to write down some tactful words to intervene when she disagreed with what others were doing. She called this her “cheat sheet.” Just writing down these words helped her feel more constructive and self-reliant.
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Example: Paul’s arc is from controlling (Overuse of Affirming) to “letting go” (Embracing as a Positive Power). In his appraisal he received feedback that he was not completing a new paperwork requirement in a legible, thorough way. He’s hates the paperwork and thinks it is unnecessary, even though (or maybe because) it is a new requirement of the State.
When he reflected, he could see that it was a matter of not doing things his way, and so he consciously put on hold his frustration as an Overuse of Affirming. He knew that Affirming, after all, was about standing up for himself on more essential issues than regulatory paperwork. He even acknowledged to himself that bucking the system had given him a few moments of fun, but that at the end of the day it didn’t make him feel all that great, especially now that it had shown up on his appraisal.
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Instead, Paul focused on his arc and his sense that only by “letting go” more could he get through some of these moments where he couldn’t be in control. He liked the feeling of being part of the work -- although he seldom acknowledged that to others. He asked himself, “How can I embrace these new requirements, even if I think they are kind of stupid and I don’t want to do them?”
As he thought about it, it seemed clear he should not try to pretend that somehow he had the power to make the paperwork go away. Once he let go of that thought, he began to think of the easiest way to get it done, which by his own calculation could happen best in a few minutes on Thursdays, when he left work a little later anyway to meet his wife after her yoga class. Coming up with his own idea, he felt easier -- he had a solution and he could let go of the private conflict he had created for himself.
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Think of a Time...
• ...when you received uncomfortable feedback and you did not react as well as you might have.
•How did you get defensive and what did you get defensive about (Shadow reaction, overusing a Positive Power)?
•What you could have done then or still do today to further your arc toward the Positive Power you need and would like to develop?
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Baby Steps•What we know about the brain is that change is a dialogue
between action and consciousness. Action creates consciousness and consciousness creates action, and so on.
•Doing something different alters neural circuitry. The brain is “plastic,” and we have many “intelligences.”
•We can use our preferred intelligences -- and our not so preferred ones, too -- to help us create new action and new consciousness, refining how exactly we can use a new source of Positive Power.
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Howard Gardner’s Eight Intelligences• Verbal-Linguistic
• Logical-Mathematical
• Visual-Spatial
• Musical
• Bodily-Kinesthetic
• Interpersonal
• Intrapersonal
• Naturalistic
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What are your most and least preferred intelligences?
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ExampleYou want to improve your trust level with a peer at work and your most preferred intelligences are Verbal-Linguistic, Musical, and Kinesthetic.
Write a story about how trust is rebuilt; talk to others and have a conversation about your intention. Focus your story and conversations on determining the baby steps that will best work for you.
Focus on a song lyric that you feel summarizes your current or desired relationship, then use that to stimulate your ideas about how you need to do to change the dynamics. Hum the song as you think.
Go for a walk (or dance) as you consider what you might want to do to get started improving things in the relationship.
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Use the Intelligences to Determine Baby Steps
• Think of a change you’d like to make in your actions -- performance or relationships at work -- based on feedback you’ve received.
• Evaluate how this change fits with your Positive Power Arc -- how will it benefit you, lead to a sense of meaning, fulfillment and achievement?
• Consider some preferred and not-so-preferred intelligences to help you develop ideas about how you can get started with that change. How will you determine what your baby steps will be?
• Discuss, get feedback about, and refine your process in a small group.
• Make a commitment about how you will proceed.
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Wholeness
•Worthiness
• Love
• “Right Action”
•Trust
Inseparable, balanced forms
of...
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POSITIVE POWER
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Reactions to the session?Most valuable lessons?
Feedback and comments?
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