Metaphors in Family MediationWarsaw, Poland, 21-22 November 2008

Thomas SmithAsociace Mediatorů České Republiky

Prague

www.metaclara.com

GENERAL INTRODUCTION

• Gaining access to client thinkingthinking.

• Figurative and literal meaningmeaning.

• Mediation as relationship systemsystem…

• changing over timetime.

• Mediator interventions don’t determinedon’t determine…

• Outcomes evolve, develop, emergeemerge.

Overall OutlineOverall Outline

• Metaphoric FramingMetaphoric Framing in Mediation.

• The Metaphoric FramesMetaphoric Frames That Work Well for Simpler Conflicts.

• Mediation as Management of a Complex, AdaptiveComplex, Adaptive Relationship SystemSystem.

• Metaphoric FramesMetaphoric Frames More Suited to ComplexComplex Conflicts.

WHY METAPHOR?

• Fundamental, holistic, organic, inevitable.

• Conceptual.

• Widely studied.

• Multiplies:– Misunderstanding– Options

Divorce Case case J

• He says we are going on different paths. He says we had thought we were going the same way, but we aren’t – we are really headed for different places.

• She says, nobody pushed you into marriage and having children. Because we both love the children, we could be open-minded and find a way to stay together. 5

Marriage is a Journey – obvious metaphor frame – do you agree?

If detected, the mediator can join it, reflect it back, reframe it, expand on it, co-develop it with clients.

6

Two-Person Exercise Examine Metaphor Frame

Case J:

• Turn to person next to you..• Do you find the Journey metaphor?• Do you find other metaphors?• Are ‘other’ metaphors related?• Discuss.

Usefulness of metaphor:

• Detecting metaphor requires sustained attentionsustained attention, very careful

listeninglistening, curious enquirycurious enquiry.

• Develop rapportrapport through awareness, sensitivity, reflecting back, asking questions...

• Disputants' own language and thought, own language and thought, sustain familiar cognitive structurecognitive structure.

• Uncover more dimensionsdimensions of what is being thought.

• Use the metaphor frame to unifyunify and synthesize.

• Describe alternatives and optionsalternatives and options in coherent terms.

DIFFERENT TYPES OF MEDIATION…

• Evaluative– Advisory

– Determinative

• Transformative

• Facilitative or Interest-Based– Passive

– Active

Basic Metaphor Anatomy

Disputants Use Metaphors to Describe and ExplainDescribe and Explain What Has Happened, What They See, What They Want

Now we will explore… • The Anatomy of Metaphor –

Source and Target DomainsSource and Target Domains

• How to Identify Metaphors

• Some practice…

full S-T

push

equilibrium

balanceExercise: Pair with person nearby.

"It is a balanced proposal.""It is a balanced proposal."

Review the name of the metaphor.Picture someone balanced on a high wire.Ask questions using language from the same metaphor.Or, an alternative response using other terms consistent with same metaphor.

push again

• Pair with person nearby. ‘experience’ the Source Domain

• "I feel I'm being pushed into something." "I feel I'm being pushed into something."

• Try to think of 3, 4, or 5 distinctly different ways that a person might literally, physically be "pushed".

• Then apply these source domain ideas while discussing the target domain situation where someone "feels pushed into something."

Sub-Mappings and Correspondence Mappings:

““How can we maintain our How can we maintain our equilibrium during Mediation?”equilibrium during Mediation?”

Attributes of our bodily experience of balance/imbalance.Each element  in the Source Domain can have a 

correspondent in the Target Domain:

Balanced on what 

Stability of balance 

Balancing pole 

You fall if you lose balance 

The point where you can't re-balance 

Person balancing 

Issues and emotions

Ease moving among issues

Range of options

Active conflict

The point where you have given in on too many issues

Person in mediation

inference patterns

Different pathsIdentifying metaphors from language used.

openMental Openness is Metaphorically Understood as Physical Openness

Look for incongruous words.

Identify the "incongruous" word or words:Identify the "incongruous" word or words:

"Mediation helps disputants reach a mutual decision."

"He made the decision, but will he follow through?"

"Just when I was getting to the point, he cut me off."

“Just put your cards on the table.”

“I'm glad you left your guns at the door.”

"He has a certain set of beliefs."

Identify "incongruous" words Identify "incongruous" words (continued):(continued):

"The seeds of future cooperation were planted that day."

"He says they were going on different paths. ""They were really headed for different places."

“Lead each party,step by step, through the entire dance.”“Through persistent prodding the

parties adjusted their views of the case.”

"That's a foul and I'm calling a penalty."

Sensitizing Yourself to Metaphor Frames

What are the most common most common metaphorsmetaphors you will find in

mediation?

Will it be helpful to become more become more familiarfamiliar with these metaphors?

Most Widely Used Metaphorsin conflict resolution & negotiation 23

• Journey• Game/Sport• War/Struggle• Material Object/Substance• Building Construction• Personification/Animation

Hearing and Responding to a Metaphor in Dialog:Hearing and Responding to a Metaphor in Dialog: Helps to know what a metaphor includes…Helps to know what a metaphor includes…- - From which subgroup is each of the following highlighted words?From which subgroup is each of the following highlighted words?- - Name some of the other words in the lexicon for that subgroup.Name some of the other words in the lexicon for that subgroup.- - Substitute in sentences.Substitute in sentences.

O.K., I think that we’re making progress already… …if we can just go back for a minute to… You said you were going to re-evaluate your position in

light of the discussion. But we can probably find some middle ground that will

provide us the assurance… I want to just pursue that a little bit further… Yes, that is where we fundamentally disagree. …there’s really just a little bit of distance between us at

this point and it comes right back down to my expectations.

…here’s the alternative, we’d like to go with this alternative.

Can you see how previous examples illustrate

major groups of mappings?

full27 map

Where do these cluster trees come from?

Clustered at outer level: “sub-sub-mapping”

Several sub-sub-mapping clusters

Exercise

Hearing and Responding to a Metaphor in Dialog Groups of 3 or 4 (one English speaker)

• What is something that someone in mediation might say using each of these words?

• What might be a response that aligns with the same metaphor?

Sub-sub-mappings grouped into sub-mappings

…and for other sub-mappings

full34 map & map exercise

Exercise Work in groups of 2 or 3.

Create a map of the Journey metaphor.

Exercise Whole group

In a divorce case, Mom says she needs 7 years of financial support to finish her training, do her internship and get her career on track;

Dad says 5.• What incongruent wordsincongruent words do you notice?• What is a possible metaphor? NameName it.• What are some sub-mappingssub-mappings in this metaphor?.• Keeping these in mind, ask a questionquestion to clarify and

enhance communications.• NameName the metaphor againagain as necessary.

• Discuss correspondencescorrespondences between the metaphor and the situation?

• Discuss the rhetorical directionrhetorical direction?

• Overall evaluationevaluation communicated?

Exercise Sustaining the MetaphorMake a response to the statement, using words from the Territory sub-mapping Whole Group

Make a response using words from the lexicon:

• Their positions are not close.

• Take one step at a time.

• How far must we take this discussion?

apart, distance, close, far, farther, map, chart, cover, discover, drop, explore, find, flat, flow, guide, journey, jungle, navigate, plain, plot, point, position, quest, region, reorient, sea, seek, travel, voyage, world

Re-framing With MetaphorWhole Group Exercise:

"Jack, you are a lying jerk! You've cheated on me and betrayed our children! You're no good! I wish you were dead!"Reframe each separate sentence above. Try to

detoxify and restate using a metaphor such as… Correcting Jack is

Putting Jack on the Right Path. Correcting Jack is

Pointing Jack in a New Direction. Correcting Jack is

Placing an Obstacle in His Way.

Building/Construction Metaphor

For each of these examples…What are - Target and Source Sub-Domains,

- Correspondences, - Other Words, - Rhetorical direction

• We think this an important part of the settlement so we are interested in having it in.

• How do you know about this emotional attachment?• I think we’d like to lay down what the parameters

would be.• What you are getting here is a much more structured

concept than what we are doing now.• It would be best for all parties to make a clean break,

with each moving to new properties.• …while you’re figuring out what you need to do to

restructure…• This is a situation that is not broken.• We start with asking the employees when they are

available and plugging them into the schedule.

Exercise What are the sub-domains?

Pairs.

What individual sub-mappings can you find among the previous examples?

Fill in possible sub-sub-mappings (other words that comprise lexicons)

Take one of the examples, and the relevant sub-mapping, and talk about questions to ask. Whole group, then pairs

Mrs. Kelly needs the house for stability and continuity for the children.• This suggests "foundations", "joining":• "foundations" are solidly grounded, laid out

carefully....• "fitting/joining/reinforcing" has to do with care in

putting things together, fastening them firmly, making sure connections hold together.

• When would you want to weaken a structure?• Now form pairs, choose another example (from

above), and ask questions that do the same (or gently challenge the dominant direction).

Exercise Fishbowl or whole group: 2 volunteersIn a divorce case, Mother wants to move to a In a divorce case, Mother wants to move to a distant city after divorce. Father says he will distant city after divorce. Father says he will lose connection with the children and their lose connection with the children and their

relationship will be undermined.relationship will be undermined.• What incongruent wordsincongruent words do you notice?• What is a possible metaphor? NameName it.• What are some sub-mappingssub-mappings in this metaphor?.• Keeping these in mind, ask a questionquestion to clarify and

enhance communications.• NameName the metaphor againagain as necessary.

• Discuss correspondencescorrespondences between the metaphor and the situation?

• Discuss the rhetorical directionrhetorical direction?

• Overall evaluationevaluation communicated?

Game/Sport Metaphor

For each of these examples…What are - Target and Source Sub-Domains,

- Correspondences, - Other Words, - Rhetorical direction

• Now, that would allow us to either one to come up with a really good replacement for you and it would get us both in the game both working toward the same thing.

• …so next time you'll say well, ...the chances are there won't be any ill effects so let's just release the drug.

• …you want to penalize me for exercising my right to leave after the operating covenant and that just isn't acceptable.

• Seniority doesn't trump another employee's [basic rights].• All right, the company will agree to pay for the cataracts

and the operations and the time that he lost for working during the operation.

• …it was the union that chose not to negotiate... They walked away in the middle.

• Okay, before we start does everyone understand the goal to win?

What are the sub-domains? Exercise

Pairs.

What individual sub-mappings can you find among the previous examples?

Fill in possible sub-sub-mappings (other words that comprise lexicons)

Exercise: whole group

• Talk about questions to ask.

“…so next time you'll say well, ...the chances are everything will work out okay, so let's just let the child do whatever she wants.”

• Try to introduce language that shifts this from game to sport.

Exercise whole group

Divorce court order says young child shall call Father once a week, but calls occur only about half the time. Father wants the court to declare a penalty so Mother will follow the rules.

• What do you notice?

• What is a possible metaphor? Name it.

• If the Father had expressed this idea using entirely literal language, what might he have said?

Exercise role play

On Father's week with kids, he wants them to go to Mom's house after school and he will pick them up at her house after work. Mom says this will be too disruptive regarding dinner, homework and the youngest child's bedtime.• What is a possible metaphor? Name

and identify components. • Are values involved? Interests?• Using your sense of metaphors, identify

values and/or interests and reframe by elaborating or extending the metaphor.

Exercise role play

"I really want the house, but I'm afraid that, in order to get it, I'll have to give up the pension."

• What is a possible metaphor? Name and identify components.

• Are values involved? Interests?• Using your sense of metaphors, identify

values and/or interests and reframe by elaborating or extending the metaphor.

War/Fight Metaphor

For each of these examples…What are - Target and Source Sub-Domains,

- Correspondences, - Other Words, - Rhetorical direction

• We are not going to agree… we are holding to our positions.

• …someone who needs to survive, especially given the long-term nature of the lease…

• If we are meeting here, I won’t give up dates [just] because there isn’t a mediator.

• …it was not a criminal act, it wasn’t as if we’re deliberately trying to hurt somebody.

• How I do business is across the table looking face to face. I am not interested in getting a contract I have to force on people.

• We really need to be able to move quickly and change our strategy as needed.

• It isn’t intended to be anything overly threatening, it is meant to be an opportunity for people to talk.

What are the sub-domains? Exercise

Pairs.

What individual sub-domains can you find among the previous examples?

Fill in possible sub-sub domains or lexicons

Exercise: Metaphors to Highlight Paradox Whole group

Refer to the sub-domain groups, and talk about questions to ask.

“We are not going to agree… we are “We are not going to agree… we are holding to our positionsholding to our positions.”.”

• This suggests "war" in the sense that opposing forces dig in and fight as hard as necessary to keep the enemy from advancing or occupying captured territory.

• Devise statements that gently point out the paradox between this metaphor and the discussions that are actually going on.

• If they had spoken using a Dance metaphor, what might have been said?

Review again

Usefulness of metaphor frames:

• Detecting metaphor requires sustained attentionsustained attention, very careful

listeninglistening, curious enquirycurious enquiry.

• Develop rapportrapport through awareness, sensitivity, reflecting back, asking questions...

• Disputants' own language and thought, own language and thought, sustain familiar cognitive structurecognitive structure.

• Uncover more dimensionsdimensions of what is being thought.

• Use the metaphor frame to unifyunify and synthesize.

• Describe alternatives and optionsalternatives and options in coherent terms.

Metaphors, like the ones considered so far, work well for simple conflicts or somewhat

complicated conflicts.

When disputants come together we may expect that they will -When disputants come together we may expect that they will - Be Be reasonablereasonable and and talk sensiblytalk sensibly. But more likely they will.... But more likely they will...

AvoidAvoid their conflict, or begin to their conflict, or begin to fight or arguefight or argue about their conflict. about their conflict.

What We May Wish For What Often Happens

Disputants will see conflict in perspective.

The conflict tends to continue, self-reinforcing.

Start carefully, move in constructive direction

No matter where you start, you end up with same conflict.

We will find the basic causes or needs.

No simple cause.

Conflict is the result of misunderstanding.

Result of long history.

Can take factors separately. Many factors combining.

Move along, step by step, to resolution.

Can’t see where going, result unpredictable.

Stay on path. Easily get off track, over-react, or withdraw.

End Day 1