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MindfulParenting:Navigatingtheups-and-downsofparentingwithmindfulness
SaraMarlowe,MSW,RSWGermanMillsPublicSchool.
January29,[email protected]
MindfulParenting=intentionallybringingmoment-to-momentawarenesstotheparent–childrelationship(Duncan,Coatesworth&Greenberg,2009)
Dimensionsofmindfulparenting:1. Listeningwithfullattentionwheninteractingwithourchildren2. Emotionalawarenessofourselvesandourchildren3. Nonjudgmentalacceptanceofourselvesandourchildren4. Self-regulationinourparentingrelationship5. Compassionforourselvesandourchildren
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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InterpersonalMindfulnessinParenting(IEM-P)scaleInstructions:Thefollowingstatementsdescribedifferentwaysthatparentsinteractwiththeirchildrenonadailybasis.Pleasetellmewhetheryouthinkthestatementis“NeverTrue,”“RarelyTrue,”“SometimesTrue,”“OftenTrue,”or“AlwaysTrue”foryou.Remember,therearenorightorwronganswersandpleaseansweraccordingtowhatreallyreflectsyourexperienceratherthanwhatyouthinkyourexperienceshouldbe.Pleasetreateachstatementseparatelyfromeveryotherstatement.
NeverTrue
RarelyTrue
SometimesTrue
OftenTrue
AlwaysTrue
1.IfindmyselflisteningtomychildwithoneearbecauseIambusydoingorthinkingaboutsomethingelseatthesametime.
1 2 3 4 5
2.WhenI’mupsetwithmychild,InoticehowIamfeelingbeforeItakeaction.
1 2 3 4 5
3.Inoticehowchangesinmychild’smoodaffectmymood.
1 2 3 4 5
4.Ilistencarefullytomychild’sideas,evenwhenIdisagreewiththem.
1 2 3 4 5
5.Ioftenreacttooquicklytowhatmychildsaysordoes. 1 2 3 4 56.IamawareofhowmymoodsaffectthewayItreatmychild.
1 2 3 4 5
7.Evenwhenitmakesmeuncomfortable,Iallowmychildtoexpresshis/herfeelings.
1 2 3 4 5
8.WhenIamupsetwithmychild,Icalmlytellhim/herhowIamfeeling.
1 2 3 4 5
9.Irushthroughactivitieswithmychildwithoutbeingreallyattentivetohim/her.
1 2 3 4 5
10.Ihavedifficultyacceptingmychild’sgrowingindependence.
1 2 3 4 5
Scoringinformation(hypothesizedsubscales):Awareness&Present-CenteredAttention1.Ifindmyselflisteningtomychildwithoneear,becauseIambusydoingorthinkingaboutsomethingelseatthesametime.*3.Inoticehowchangesinmychild’smoodaffectmymood.6.IamawareofhowmymoodsaffectthewayItreatmychild.9.Irushthroughactivitieswithmychildwithoutbeingreallyattentivetohim/her.*Non-judgment4.Ilistencarefullytomychild’sideas,evenwhenIdisagreewiththem.7.Evenwhenitmakesmeuncomfortable,Iallowmychildtoexpresshis/herfeelings.10.Ihavedifficultyacceptingmychild’sgrowingindependence.*Non-reactivity2.WhenI’mupsetwithmychild,InoticehowIamfeelingbeforeItakeaction.5.Ioftenreacttooquicklytowhatmychildsaysordoes.*8.WhenIamupsetwithmychild,Icalmlytellhim/herhowIamfeeling.Itemswithan*arereverse-scored.Ahigherscoreindicateshighermindfulnessinparenting.Duncan,L.G.(2007).Assessmentofmindfulparentingamongparentsofearlyadolescents:DevelopmentandvalidationoftheInterpersonalMindfulnessinParentingScale.Unpublisheddissertation.ThePennsylvaniaStateUniversity.(PleasecontactDr.Duncandirectlyforpermissionshouldyouwishtoutilizethescale).
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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TheAttitudinalFoundationsofMindfulnessPracticeBypracticingmindfulawarenesswelearntocultivatethefollowingattitudestowardsourparentingandourlivesingeneral.Non-judging:impartialwitnesstoyourownexperiences-notgoodorbad,justis.Don'tbeatyourselfupforjudging;justrealizeyourdoingit.Patience:thingsmustunfoldintheirowntime-noneedtobeimpatientwithourselves;wefindthemindjudgingallthetimeorwearetenseoragitatedorfrightened.Beginner’smind:amindthatiswillingtoseeeverythingasifforthefirsttime-allowsustobefreeofourexpectationsbasedonourpastexperiences.Thenexttimeyouseesomebodywhoisfamiliar,askyourselfifyouareseeingthispersonwithfresheyes,asheorshereallyis,orifyourareseeingareflectionofyourownthoughtsaboutthisperson.Tryitwithyourchildren,partners,parents,in-laws,friends,co-workers,etc.Trust:trustinyourself-itisfarbettertotrustinyourintuitionandownauthority,evenifyoumakesome"mistakes"alongtheway,thantolookoutsideyourselfforguidance.Ifsomethingdoesn'tfeelright,whynothonoryourfeelings.Non-striving:youarenotdoingthisforapurpose,togetsomethingorsomewhere.Don'tthink"Iamgoingtogetrelaxedthistime",thisintroducesanideaintoyourmindofwhereyoushouldbe,andalongwithitcomesthenotionthatyouarenotokayrightnow.Payattentiontowhateverishappeninginthemoment.Ifyouaretense,thenpayattentionit.Acceptance:meansseeingthingsastheyactuallyareinthepresent.Ifyouhaveachildhavingatantrum,acceptthatyouhaveachildhavingatantrum,ratherthanbeangryaboutthefacttheyarehavingatantrum.Itdoesnotmeanthatyoushouldgiveuponyourdesiretochangeandgrow.Acceptanceisawillingnesstoseethingsastheyare.Youaremuchmorelikelytorespondratherthanautomaticallyreactwhenyouhaveaclearpictureofwhatisactuallyhappening.Connectedtoeachoftheseattitudinalfoundationsis:COMPASSION
“Wehavemorepossibilitiesavailableineachmomentthanwerealize.”–ThichNhatHanh
STOP:Awaytodecreasestressandanxietyindailylifebybringingthebodyandmindbackintobalance:
§ S=Stop§ T=Takeabreath§ O=Observe§ P=Proceed
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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HowMindfulnessPracticecanSupportParenting:• Slowingdownreactivityinthemoment&askingourselves‘whatismostimportantnow?’• Byengaginginsingle-tasking–especiallywhenspendingtimewithourchildren• Noticingwhenour‘buttons’arebeingpushedanddowhatweneedtohelpcalmdown• Self-awareness–mindfulnesssupportsustogettoknowourselvesreallywell• Intentionalparenting–steppingoutofauto-pilotmode• Self-kindness&compassion–remindingourselvestobegentlewithourselves
andourchildren• Parentalemotional-regulation–supportschildren’semotional-regulation• Lesslikelytounconsciouslycontinueandpassonunwantedparentingpracticesthatwe
experiencedaschildrenThree-MinuteBreathingSpace
1.AWARENESS:Bringyourselfintothepresentmomentbydeliberatelyadoptinganerectanddignifiedposture.Ifpossible,closeyoureyes.Thenask:"Whatismyexperiencerightnow...inthoughts...infeelings...andinbodilysensations?" Acknowledgeandregisteryourexperience,evenifitisunwanted.2.GATHERING:Then,gentlyredirectfullattentiontobreathing,toeach
inbreathandtoeachoutbreathastheyfollow,oneaftertheother.Yourbreathcanfunctionasananchortobringyouintothepresentandhelpyoutuneintoastateofawareness&stillness.3.EXPANDING:Expandthefieldofyourawarenessaroundyourbreathing,sothatitincludesasenseofthebodyasawhole,yourposture,andfacialexpression.Thebreathingspaceprovidesawaytostepoutofautomaticpilotmodeandreconnectwiththepresentmoment.Thekeyskillinmindfulnesspracticeistomaintainawarenessinthemoment.Nothingelse.FromSegal,Williams,andTeasdale(2002),TheGuilfordPress.
10TipsForMindfulParenting1. Findtimeforourselvestobeinstillnessatleastonceaday.2. Schedulingtimetojustbewithourchildren,withnoagendainmind.3. Seeingtheworldthroughourchild’seyes,steppingintotheirexperienceandimaginingwhatisimportantforthem.4. Seeingeverydaymomentswithourchild/renasopportunitiesto
connect(e.g.walkingtoschool,thegoing-to-bedroutine,teethbrushing),ratherthanwaitingfortheperfectmoment(waitingforweekends,summervacations,etc.).
5. Beingintentionalwithouruseoftechnology.6. Makingself-careapriority–puttingonourownoxygenmaskfirst…7. Invitingcompassiontobethedefaultwhenwe’rejustnotsurewhattodo.8. Spendingafewmomentseverydayreflectingonapleasantmomentyouhadwithyourchild/renand/orsomethingyouappreciateaboutthem.
9. Keepingthebraininmind,especiallyduringchallengingmoments.10. Rememberingtobreathe…lots…
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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WaysofRespondingtoOthersinChallengingInteractions:(DanSiegel&TinaPayne-Bryson,2012).“RespondwiththeRight,RedirectwiththeLeft”Itcanbeveryhelpfultokeepthe‘braininmind’wheninteractingwithothers,particularlywhenweareinteractingwithpeoplewhoareexperiencingstrongemotions–anger,anxiety,sadness,frustration,etc.Wecansupportothers(andourselves)becomebetterintegratedtouseourwholebraininacoordinatedwaybyfollowingthesefewsuggestions:• ConnectandRedirect.Whensomeoneishavingameltingdownorblowingupemotionally,avoidimmediatelyappealingtotheirlogic.Saying,“Whyareyouactingthisway?”isproblematicbecauseitaddressesanemotional,right-brainproblemusingrational,left-brainlogic.Instead,connectfirstemotionally—rightbraintorightbrain.Bytellingsayingsomethinglike,“Icantellthatyou’rereallyupsetabout…”Inasoothingtoneofvoice,youacknowledgetheirfeelingsinacalmmanner.Then,oncethepersonismoreincontrolandreceptive,redirectbybringingintheleft-brainlessonsand,ifnecessary,settingsomeboundaries.
• NameIttoTameIt.Whenascaryorpainfulexperienceproducesbig,out-ofcontrolemotions,don’tdismissanddenythem.Instead,supporttheperson(oryourself)tobeanametotheexperienceandperhapseventellastoryaboutwhathappened.Thisprocesssupportsbothsidesofthebraintoworktogetherandslowsdownthereactionoftheamygdala.
• Engage,Don'tEnrage.Inhigh-stresssituations,strivetoengageaperson’s‘upstairsbrain,’whichiswheretheirhigher-orderthinkingtakesplace.Ratherthantriggeringthemoreprimitiveandreactivedownstairsbrainwithcommands,askquestions,collaborate,andevennegotiate.Themorewecanappealtotheupstairsbrainandengagepeopleincriticalthinkingandprocessing,themoreweareabletothinkandactanddecide,ratherthansimplyreactingtowhattheyarefeeling.
• GetActive.Ifwelosetouchwithour‘logical’brain,wecanregainbalancethroughmovement.Doingafewjumpingjacksorrunningaroundtheyardcandirectlyaffectourbrainchemistry.Exerciseandrelaxationallowsustoworkthroughsomeofouremotionsinahealthyway,allowingustofocusonotherthingsafterward.Whenwechangeourphysicalstate,wecanchangeouremotionalstate.
“Ifthedayevercamewhenwewereabletoacceptourselves
andourchildrenexactlyasweareandtheyare,then,Ibelievewewouldhavecometoanunderstandingofwhat
‘goodparenting’means.”--FredRogers
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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LabelingOurExperiences:“Ifyounameit,youcantameit.”Throughmindfulnesspracticewecanlearntonoticeourthoughts,emotions,andbodysensations.Wealsolearntonameanddescribethoseexperiencesusing.Inthisway,welearntolabelourexperiences,justastheyare.Thereisasaying:“Ifyounameit,youcantameit.”Researchshowsthatthesimpleactofnaminganexperience(emotion,thought,bodysensation)calmsthelizardpartofthebrain.Wearethenlesslikelyto“flipourlid.”Tryitoutforyourself-Herearesomeexamples:Inoticeworry;Sweatyhands;Frustrationishere;Iamnoticingshortnessofbreath;Angrythoughtsarehere;TheWhat-ifthoughtsarevisiting,etc”TheNegativityBiasoftheBrain
Attheendofyourday,whenyouthinkaboutallthathappened,whatsticksoutmostinyourmemory?Thatyourchildclearedtheirbreakfastdisheswithoutevenbeingasked-YAY!ORthatyourchildsaidsomethingnastytotheirsister–ARGH!?Mostoften,werememberwhatdidn’tgowell.Thisdoesn’tmeanyou’reanegativeperson.Itmeansyouarehuman.Infact,ourbrainislikeVelcrofornegativeexperiencesandTeflonforpositiveones.Negativeexperiencestendtostickwithus--werememberthemmorethanthepositiveones.
Howmindfulnesscanhelp?Thegoodnewsisthatitdoesn’thavetobethisway.Justlikewepracticebringingourawarenesstoourbreath,wecanintentionallybringourawarenesstopositiveexperiencesthroughoutourday.Thefirststepistonoticethem.Noticingthepositivemomentsinourdaycannotonlyhelpusfeelbetteroverall,butcancontributetogettingmorethingsdoneandtreatingotherswell.Whenwenoticemoreofthepleasantmomentsinourdays,wearelesslikelytobethrownoffkilterbythenegativeones.
R-Remember…
H.E.A.R.Practice–Dr.RickHansonNoticingpleasantmoments,eveninthemidstofchallenges,hasapositiveeffectonourbrainandoverallsenseofwellbeing.Thisisalovelypracticetodoregularly&particularlywhenexperiencingdifficulty….Itcanhelptoturnourmoodaround.J H-HaveanexperienceE-EnrichitA-Absorbit
2
”Worry is here”
1
“
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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FunIdeasforSharingMindfulnessPracticewithyourChildren
FamilyConnectingActivities1. Pickoneortwotimestocometogethereachdayasafamilytosoundachime(chimeapp)
andtakethreedeepbreathstogethera. Perhapsatthestartofeachdayjustbeforeyouleaveforworkandschool
2. Pickatimetosharetogetherasafamilyeachperson’sfavouritethingaboutthatday–i.e.at
dinner-time,beforebed,whentravelingsomewhere,afterschool,etc.
3. Pickatimetosharetogetherasafamily“What’sgoodaboutme?”–i.e.atdinnertime,beforebed,whendrivingsomewhere,etc.Eachpersontakeaturnsharingapositivequalityaboutthemselves.(Thereisnorightorwrong).
4. Goforawalk,withnoagendaandbringmindfulawarenesstoyoursenses&allyounotice.
5. Choosesomemindfulnesspracticesthatareafitwithyourfamilyandbegintodevelopyour
ownroutineofpractice(e.g.walking,breath,music,expressinggratitude,sharingapleasantmomentabouttheday,shakingyoursnowglobe,labelingemotions,etc).
ObservingtheBreath(forchildren)Youcanbringawarenesstoyourbreathatanytime!
• Put your hands on your belly and noticewhat happenswhen you breathe in andwhathappenswhenyoubreatheout?(Itmostoftenriseswhenyoubreatheinandfallswhenyoubreatheout).Noticethisrhythmforafewmomentsinsilence.
• Youcanhaveyoureyesopenorclosed.Wheneveryourmindgetspulledawayfromyourbreath,justcomebacktoyourbreathing.
• Noticewhatyoufeelwhenyoupayattentiontoyourbreathing.Oftenpeoplesharethattheyfeelmorepeacefulandcalmandmorereadytofocusonthetaskathand.Youcanevenputastuffedanimalonyourbellyandrockittosleepwithyourbreath!Orplaceastoneonyourbellyandbringawarenesstoitsweightasyouinhaleandexhale.Childrencanbeinvitedtoreflectonthefollowing…
WhenIslowdownandnoticemybreath,Ifeel:______________________________________Itcanbehelpfultoslowdownandbreathewhen:___________________________________
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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BeingKindtoOurselves
People are often experts at being hard on ourselves – beating ourselves up for ‘mistakes’ we feel we have made or judging choices we have made. Being hard on ourselves most often leads us to feel even worse and does not help us move forward. So, in difficult times, why not try being kind to our self instead and see what happens…
Here is a sample of phrases you might use. It is not the actual words or phrases that are most important, but rather the intention behind them, so please feel free to use phrases that fit best for you. You can send these friendly wishes to yourself as well as to others. (Just repeat the phrases and substitute “you” and “we” for “I” to expand the circle of compassion
May I be happy May be healthy May I be safe
May I feel peaceful
GratitudePractice:
Eachday,reflectuponafewofthethingsforwhichyouaregrateful(thankful).Youcouldcreateyourownspecialgratitudescrapbook,gratitudejar,journalorhaveacalendaronthewalltorecordoneachday.Childrencanbenefitfrombeingencouragedtotakeamomenttopauseandreflectonwhatwentwellthatdayandsomethingsthatmakethemhappy.Thispracticeisawaytonourish
well-being,contentmentandinnerpeace(RickHanson,2009)andloosenthegripofthenegativitybias.
Whatareyoufeelinggratefulfortoday?(OR–whatareyouhappyaboutinyourlife?)
*Thesearegreatpracticestohelpchildrencounterthebrain’snegativitybias
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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StillnessSnowGlobesShakingoursnowglobesandwatchingthemsettlecanhelptocalmourbrain!Whenyouarefeelingstressorchallengingfeelingslikeworry,frustration,anger,fearcomingaround,grabyoursnowglobeandgiveitagoodshake.Setitdownandwatchallofthetinysnowflakessettletothebottom.Youcanevenimaginethatthesesnowflakesrepresentthechallengingthoughts/feelingsorbodysensationsthatarevisitingyou.Withsomestillness,andafewsoft,deepbreaths,theycansettletoo!Whenmightyouuseyoursnowglobe?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Wheremightbeausefulplacetokeepit?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________EatingMindfullywithyourFamily
1. Prepareandshareameal.
2. Eatatatabletogether-awayfromTVs,phonesandcomputers.
3. Takeamomenttoexpressgratitudeforthefood&allthatwentintoitspreparation.
4. Slowlyobserveyourfoodwitheachofyour5senses:Ø Howdoesitsmell?Ø Whatcolours,shapes,patternsdoyousee?Ø Howdoesitsoundwhenyoutakeabite?Ø Whatdoesitfeellikeasyouchew?Ø Whattastesdoyounotice?Ø Takeyourtimeandfullysavoureachbite.
5. Swallowandnoticehowyoufeelaftereachmouthful.
6. Talkwitheachotheraboutwhatyouobserved.
Youmightbeamazedbywhatyoudiscover!
Mindfulness-basedBooksforParenting(lotsofideasforpracticingwithchildren)• TheWholeBrainChild:12RevolutionaryStrategiestoNurtureYourChild’sDevelopingMindandNo-
DramaDisciplinebyDanSiegelandTinaPayneBryson(twooftheBEST!)• Everydayblessings:theinnerworkofmindfulparentingbyJon&MylaKabat-Zinn• TheMindfulChildbySusanKaiser-Greenland• Brainstorm:ThePower&PurposeoftheAdolescentBrainbyDanSiegel• RaisingHappiness:10SimpleStepsforMoreJoyousKids&HappierParentsbyChristineCarter
Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW
www.mindfulfamilies.ca
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• TheStressReductionWorkbookforTeensbyGinaBiegel• TheRelaxation&StressReductionWorkbookforKidsbyLawrenceShapiro&RobinSprague• BuildingEmotionalIntelligence:TechniquestoCultivateInnerStrengthinChildrenbyLindaLantieri• SittingStilllikeaFrog:MindfulnessExercisesforKidsbyElineSnel(includespracticeCD)• TheSelf-CompassionWorkbookforTeens:MindfulnessandCompassionSkillstoOvercomeSelf-
CriticismandEmbraceWhoYouArebyKarenBluthMindfulnessBooks:• ComingtoOurSenses,WhereverYouGo,ThereYouAreandFullCatastropheLivingbyJonKabat-Zinn• HardwiringHappiness,Buddha'sBrain:ThePracticalNeuroscienceofHappiness,Love&Wisdomand
JustOneThing:DevelopingaBuddhaBrainOnePracticeataTimebyRickHanson• TheMindfulPathtoSelf-Compassion:FreeingYourselffromDestructiveThoughts&Emotionsby
ChristopherGermer• Self-compassion:TheProvenPowerofBeingKindtoYourselfbyKristinNeff• Mindsight:TheNewScienceofPersonalTransformationbyDanielSiegel
Mindfulness-relatedChildren’sPicturebooks• NoOrdinaryApple:AStoryaboutEatingMindfully&MyNewBestFriendbySaraMarlowe• CharlotteandtheQuietPlacebyDeborahSosin• TheThreeQuestions,StoneSoup&ZenShortsbyJonJMuth• SilencebyLemniscates• VisitingFeelingsbyLaurenRubenstein&ShellyHehenberger• Ahn’sAnger&Steps&StonesStones:AnAhn’sAngerStorybyGailSilver• MyManyColouredDays,OhthePlacesYou’llGo,byDr.SeussApps• SittingStill:MindfulnessApp–voicerecordedbySaraMarlowe• SmilingMind• HeadspaceforKids
MindfulFamiliesMonthlyNewsletter–Withpracticetips,articles,recommendedbooksandupcomingeventsintheGTA.EmailSaraatinfo@mindfulfamilies.catosignup.Mindfulness–relatedVideosforparents:• NumerousParenting&theBrainvideosforparents–agreatresource!-
www.kidsinthehouse.com/expert/parenting-advice-from-daniel-j-siegel-md• DrDanielSiegelpresentingaHandModeloftheBrain-www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD-lfP1FBFk• HowDoesMeditationChangetheBrain?-InstantEgghead#54-
www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0DMYs4b2Yw• AndyPuddicombe:Allittakesis10mindfulminutes-www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzR62JJCMBQ• Alfred&Shadow:Ashortstoryaboutemotions-
www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJOjpprbfeE&app=desktopFreeDownloadableGuidedMeditations:http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/meditations_downloads.phphttp://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22http://www.stmichaelshospital.com/programs/mentalhealth/mast-materials.phphttp://keltymentalhealth.ca/mindfulness-recordings-FORTEENShttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVA2N6tX2cg&t=4s-KIDSexplainmindfulness