MODULE 1PLAYSHEET

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BECAUSE SELF-WORTHDOESN’T HAVE A SIZE.

MODULE 5TRANSCRIPT

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Hello Untameable!!!

Welcome to Module 5!

This module is all about detaching from external validation and owning who you are.

In this module, we’re going to be talking about:

What is self-worth and how to find it when you’ve been relying on the scale to tell you how worthy you are.

Moving past body neutrality to embracing what you’ve got.

How to let go of external validation, criticism and judgment, so you can start finding your confidence from within and stop letting other people dictate how you feel about yourself.

As always, I can’t wait to hear about your mission successes and chat with you on our coaching call.

Self-worth beyond the scale and other’s opinions.

Up until now, we’ve talked a lot about letting go of the beliefs that keep your worth tied to your body size and how to let go of other’s opinions. We’ve emptied your worthiness tank of all the conditional things that were keeping your worth reliant on your body size and appearance. You might be feeling like I was going to leave you to wander the planet with this void for the rest of your life. No way! I wouldn’t leave you hanging like that!

This is where the fun begins. Now, we can talk about filling that tank up with the things that support a deep-sense of knowing that you are enough as you are.

We’ve talked about how most of our body image issues stem from this need to feel exceptional and validated. To feel like we are enough. We’ve talked about how it’s not our fault that we feel this way because internalized oppression causes us to feel inferior.

But, we do have the power to reclaim our worth and believe that we are enough exactly as we are.

Self-worth is about knowing who we are and knowing that who we are is valuable and worthy, just as we are. It’s built upon beliefs and actions that support a feeling of enoughness.

Module FIVE: Self-Worth Beyond The Scale

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The things that bolster our self-worth are:

• Beliefs that support unconditional respect and love for yourself,

• Thoughts that support a sense of gratitude and enoughness,

• An acceptance of who you are that includes the good, the meh and the not so good aspects of yourself,

• Making choices and taking actions that honor your values,

• Compassionate self-talk,

• Self-care,

• Having a sense of purpose,

• Play, pleasure and creativity.

Our beliefs and ability to offer ourselves compassion hold a lot of weight in this equation. We’ve talked a lot about them and we’ve also talked about knowing your values, so over the next few modules, we’ll be diving into the other pieces that fuel our self-worth.

Gratitude

Shifting your perspective to a grateful one can do wonders for your self-worth. How many times throughout the day do you dwell on your lack of something? For example, “I didn’t get enough sleep,” “I don’t have enough time,” “there isn’t enough money,” or “I didn’t eat enough vegetables,” etc. etc.

So often our first thought in the morning is, “I didn’t sleep enough” and our last thought before bed is “I didn’t get enough done today.” All of these learned thoughts create an attitude of scarcity and reinforce that we are not enough or that we do not have enough. It’s no wonder we don’t feel like we are enough!

The answer is not to fill up on these things to feel like we’re enough. For example, having more sleep or being more productive is not going to fill that void (although sleep might make you feel better, which we’ll cover in an upcoming module!). Rather, we want to choose a mindset of acceptance and gratitude.

Much of our sense of worthiness comes from knowing we’re enough right now and gratitude facilitates this feeling of “enoughness.” There are so many ways you can incorporate a gratitude practice in your life, such as keeping a gratitude journal or simply taking a mental gratitude timeout each day. I encourage you to have some kind of gratitude practice, but I want to give you one that relates back to body image.

Your body does some really cool stuff! When was the last time you thanked your liver for all it does for you! We focus far too much on what we don’t have and completely ignore that what we do have is already pretty frickin’ amazing. This mindset of lack makes it hard to feel like we’re enough as we are.

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We all have positive attributes and shortcomings. Embracing both the positive and negative and finding acceptance for our current situation is critical to allowing more positive thoughts to emerge.

This brings us to your mission…

Mission: Including The Messy Bits

This mission is designed to help you offer compassion and appreciation to the parts of yourself that bring the most shame.

Step #1: We all have areas of our body that are more sensitive to our doppelgänger’s criticism. Choose one part of you and spend a few seconds each day offering it compassion. Remember, you don’t have to “like” it. Rather, you’re moving towards neutralizing it and accepting it as part of you.

For example, let’s say you hate your stomach. Perhaps every time you get out of the shower or see yourself in the mirror you put your hands on your stomach and make a point of saying, “I’m OK with the fact that you (tummy) are big and soft and sometimes you make me feel ashamed. And even though I feel this way, you are a part of me and I am grateful for that.”

It’s helpful to put your hand on your body and feel it as you do this.

Instead of leaving the parts you don’t like out of the acceptance party, you start to welcome and accept them.

Tap into your voice of compassion to help you connect with that compassionate voice in yourself.

Using the playsheet, answer the prompts that go along with this mission.

Pause the audio here and complete this mission in the playsheet before moving on…

Now we’re going to talk about one of my favorite topics. Overcoming comparisons and detaching from other’s opinions...

Before we dig in, I want to give credit to my coaching mentor, Tara Mohr, as some of the key concepts in this module come from her work (minus the swearing). Let’s dig in…

Getting to the root of your comparison-itis

Comparisons are one of the last things to go away as you do this work. And much like self-doubt, they never go away completely, rather you learn to work through them so they’re not disrupting your peace of mind. In this part, we’re going to look at where our need to compare comes from and some questions and actions to help you start to shift the beliefs that cause you to compare and despair.

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We are biologically wired to want to avoid social rejection. As Tara Mohr says in her book Playing Big, “for most of history, likeability and others’ approval was women’s lifeline,” she goes on to say, “for millennia, we could ensure our survival by complying with what was approved of or desired by those with greater power.”

This makes perfect sense if you think about the stress women had to put up with way-way back in the day. Social rejection meant losing our ability to live. If you got voted out of the cave, odds are good you’re were SOL. If we move away from the Flintstone’s era and into the early Downton Abbey era (that’s early 1900’s for you non-Masterpiece Theatre fans), women’s survival still depended on being socially accepted. Women were less likely to have financial independence and survive on their own, therefore being accepted and likeable was part of our survival. It’s been in our DNA since the dawn of time.

As a result, our brains evolved to give us a hint when we were at risk for being socially rejected by making us experience pain…that same pain you feel when you see women who “check off all the boxes of society’s standard of beauty.”

Thus, we are wired to want to fit in and avoid the pain of rejection. In our modern day culture “fitting in” means being likeable and exerting social power by meeting the ridiculous feminine standards. The media tells us that our destiny is dependent on our appearance. The media tells us that the woman with the “best” body would get the man, have all the success and be immune to any emotion other than bliss. This instills a deep-rooted belief that we need to be attractive to be accepted and to control our destiny and the way others feel about us. Unfair, right? It kind of makes you want to set fire to a magazine rack and throw a cast-iron skillet at your TV. That is not your mission, BTW.

In all seriousness, this is really important to understand because I want you to know that this is not your fault. It’s a much bigger social issue and it’s no wonder you want to be liked by others and conform to society’s standards!

When you’re in a moment of comparison-itis, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you’re wired to feel that way and it’s not your fault.

That being said, we can actively work to minimize comparisons. Especially now that as women, our ability to survive is no longer dependent on being liked or attractive. You can take your power back and be an independent woman and that’s what we’re going to do.

Uncovering the beliefs that keep us hooked on fitting in.

At the root of our comparisons, desire to be liked/fit in and fear of judgment are a set of highly intertwined limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves. In this part, we’re going to uncover what those beliefs might be so you can manage comparisons without melting down into despair. First, I want to share with you a few key concepts.

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Somebody hates you!

As my friend and coach (who also did a guest tutorial for us), Keri-Anne Livingstone says, “somebody hates you!” “OMG, somebody hates you!” One of the hardest lessons I needed to learn on my body acceptance journey was that when you are authentically you, some people aren’t going to like it.

Judgment and criticism cannot be avoided when you decide to take up more space by showing up and owning the independent woman that you are—they are part of the journey. So rather than trying to avoid them, we want to learn to work with it and know that it comes with the territory of being untamed.

As I always say, I’d rather be someone’s cotton candy ice cream than everyone’s vanilla.

The next thing I want to talk about relates to judgment and criticism and that is:

Criticism only gives you information about the person giving the feedback.

I’ll say that again: criticism only gives you information about the person giving the feedback.

We are quick to take any sort of criticism and judgment personally. Rather than internalizing that there is something wrong with you, it’s important to respond by understanding that these are only other people’s opinions and therefore, tell you nothing about you.

Let’s use ice cream to illustrate this concept. Cotton candy ice cream is one of those rare flavors that only certain people enjoy. Many people think it’s disgusting and would proclaim, “cotton candy ice cream is so gross.” Does this mean cotton candy ice cream is gross? Should cotton candy ice cream be ashamed of its flavor? No. This criticism only gives you information about the person giving the feedback—they do not like this flavor or they have been programmed to believe that this flavor is not good.

Nothing people do or say is because of you. It is only about them. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s not going to hurt when someone criticizes you. It is most likely going to sting, but you can be better equipped to work through it so you don’t process it as something that is inherently wrong with you.

This leads into the next point I want to mention and that is…

Assumptions are not to be trusted.

In the book, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, he says one of the reasons we fear being ourselves and owning who we are is because of the assumptions we make. We assume what other people are thinking and that they are judging us. Much of this comes from our own self-criticism. We automatically assume others are thinking the negative beliefs we have about ourselves. We don’t allow others to accept us because we’ve rejected ourselves.

Anytime you feel yourself making an assumption, check yourself before you wreck yourself. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that assumptions cannot be trusted.

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The next point is that…

Comparisons, our need to gain approval, and avoid criticism are the result of limiting beliefs we have about ourselves.

Think about the compliments you love hearing the most. Perhaps they are when someone compliments you on your weight, body or willpower. If we don’t believe something about ourselves (i.e. that we’re not attractive or smart), we will seek out and crave this praise from others.

Our need to gain approval is directly linked to the areas of ourselves that we doubt.

But, what’s so interesting about this is that we don’t even believe this feedback unless we believe it in our core. For example, how do you respond when someone says, “you’re beautiful?” If you were like I was in my bad body image days, I would NEVER believe them. Yet, I craved this praise more than anything. Nowadays, I believe and graciously accept the compliment, but do not crave it or require it to know I’m enough.

Conversely, there are likely aspects of you that are not vulnerable to self-judgment. Perhaps you could care less if someone has a better car than you or thinks it’s weird that you like to smear peanut butter on your eggs or that you have incredibly tiny hands. Yes, these are all things that I do/have.

However, why is it that some other aspects of you are so much more sensitive to judgment? Why is it that you want to crawl under a rock if someone doesn’t think you are attractive, but are totally OK if someone says you’re a bad driver? Why do you feel you need to compare certain pieces of yourself and not others?

We all have areas of vulnerability that are rooted in limiting beliefs we have about ourselves.

And thus, when we don’t gain approval or we are criticized, we’re not upset because of what they said or didn’t say, rather we’re upset because it affirmed a fear or deep-rooted belief that we have about ourselves.

With this information, we can learn from these situations in order to get curious with and update beliefs that may not be serving us anymore.

In this next mission, we’re going to explore what these beliefs might be for you.

Mission: Breaking Free Of Other’s Opinions

This mission is all about uncovering the reasons why we compare, crave acceptance and fear judgment.

Step #1: Using the playsheet, answer the prompts that go along with this mission.

Pause the audio here and complete this mission in the playsheet before moving on…

Now we’re going to talk about knowing your worth and validating yourself...

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Knowing your worth beyond the scale.

Uncovering beliefs is fine and dandy, but let’s talk about how to take action to embody the badass attitude of knowing we are good enough whether other people like us or not.

To truly break free of our need for approval, we need to connect with something that is more important to us than receiving external validation.

This is about identifying your true priorities and shifting your attention and focus towards expressing and honoring those.

Common things are: being honest, expressing your authentic self, being courageous, being intellectual, being vulnerable, inspiring other people, connecting with others, being a role model to your kids, being loyal to your convictions, getting your voice or work into this world or being a body positive badass babe, to name a few.

Connecting with the aspects of yourself that you want to express or the things that really give you a sense of purpose will help you detach from other’s approval.

That’s what we’re going to do with your next mission…

Mission: Detaching From External Validation

This mission is all about identifying what’s more important to you than other people’s opinions.

Step #1: Using the playsheet, answer the prompts: What is more important to you than looking a certain way? What is more important to you than receiving external validation?

Step #2: Write these out somewhere to keep them top of mind so you remember to stay loyal to them!

Step #3: Look for an opportunity to put this into action this week. For example, if you have a social event to attend, think about expressing being authentic and honest versus how you look.

Pause the audio here to complete this mission before moving on…

Now we’re going to highlight and underline the gifts that you offer this world that have nothing to do with the way you look.

The mark you leave on this world is not your appearance.

I’ll say that again. The mark you leave on this world is not your appearance. We are women with thoughts, feelings and passion. Your soul is what makes you unique and it deserves to take centre stage.

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We often fail to give ourselves credit for all of the gifts we offer to others and this world. When you can shift your focus to acknowledge and express those, it makes it much easier to detach your worth from your appearance.

Your last mission in this module is to connect with and identify the qualities you know to be true about yourself, that have nothing to do with your body.

Mission: The Mark You Leave On This World

Step #1: Using the playsheet, answer the prompt: What qualities do I offer this world?

Think of the different roles you play in your life – as a friend, a mother and/or daughter, a partner, a worker. What qualities do you bring to the table?

(For example: compassion, good listener, intellectual, trustworthy friend, etc)

Step #2: Write this in an “I am…” statement. For example, “I am funny, honest, caring, sensitive, adventurous, etc, etc.” Then say it aloud to yourself. Then say it again louder for the people in the back. Own that shit!

Step #3: Take this week to notice and acknowledge where you are expressing these qualities in your everyday life. Every time to acknowledge this, you’re making a deposit into your self-worth!

As I said before, comparisons take a long time to go away completely as they are a direct result of our limiting beliefs. In the playsheet for this module, I’ve included a step-by-step way to work through comparisons and criticism that also leverages some of the things you learned in previous modules.

OK there is a lot to absorb and marinate on here, so take your time with it.

I can’t wait to hear about your mission experiences in the Facebook group and chat with you on our group call!

Rock on and I’ll see you in Module 6!