7!"#$%&' )*&+,-./ .OCTOBER!hirin dreamt of home. Of monsoon showers drum-ming their rat-a-tat beat on the tiled roof. Of sitting on the veranda sipping hot sweet tea and biting into spicy potato bondas freshly cooked by Madhu. Of Madhu her-self, in her pink sari with white fowers, washing clothes beside the well and smiling when she saw Shirin, opening her arms wide and welcoming her in, smelling of wash-ing soap and fried onions and whispering in her ear, You came. I knew you would.Coconut-tree fronds danced in the wind, displacing drops of rain like the holy water Father Sequeira sprin-kled across the pews as he walked down the church aisle on feast days; and the crows that were perched on the branches few away, black silhouettes against a moody sky. Te tamarind tree in the front courtyard bent like a weary old man from the weight of its ripe knobbly fruit. R DS8Her father, Walter, sat under it on the threadbare rattan stool, absently swatting at mosquitoes as he read his Bible, its pages worn from use; the ever-present bottle of water by his side, within easy reach.Her sister, Anita, squatted on the veranda, recounting earnestly everything that had happened to her that day and Shirin felt guilty, as she only half listened, nodding at appropriate times, her mind wandering.Deepak slouched with his gang of friends by the church and eyed all the college girls. He laughed, eyes twinklingmomentarily distracted from his perusal of Anjali, his latest crush, by Shirins expression when she found the dead liz-ard he had left as a souvenir in her accountancy textbook.Her mother, Jacinta, resplendent in her blue-and-gold sari, dressed ready to go to church, entreated, I have to attend this parish council meeting, Shirin. Dont you be gone when I come back. Please, Shirin, we have so much to talk about. Worry lines creased Jacintas face and Shirin wondered why her reserved, unfappable mother looked so concerned.Jacinta left, walking down the hill past the mango trees. Shirin saw her making her way between the felds, the green ears of paddy bending gracefully, eavesdropping on whispered conversations. Jacinta looked back at Shirin one last time, a plea in her eyes.A baby. Red scrunched-up face. Downy golden skin. Mewling minuscule mouth. Toothless red gums. Chubby arms extended upwards, tiny hands bunched into fsts. Reaching out.!"#$%&' )*& 9Shirin woke with a start, hot tears streaming down her cheeks. She reached for Vinod but the empty space beside her told her that he had already left for work. She glanced bleary-eyed at the bedside clock. 8:00 a.m. Te phone beckoned. She picked it up, dialled Vinods number. Hello, he said. In the background, she could hear chatter and the steady chug-a-chug of the train Vinod took to worknormal, working-day sounds. Vinod, she whispered. Yes, he prompted. He was taciturn, but never im-patient. Vinod, I want to go home. Te day was populated with ghosts. Ghosts from a past that Shirin had tried desperately to relegate to a corner of her heart. Ghosts that stubbornly refused to stay quiet or hidden and every so often manifested in memories that washed over her and left her dizzy with yearning. She was waiting, the engine of her old Honda Civic idling, at a pedestrian crossing on the way to work, wish-ing away the headache that loomed behind her eyelids, when she felt premonition chill her spine. She looked up and her gaze was held by a pair of eyescold, empty and yet somehow accusatoryamong the press of peo-ple crossing the road. She was aware of a rushing in her ears, of her whole body trembling, of her heart screaming against her chest. She wanted to gun the engine and drive R DS10away but she was hemmed in by the people ahead and the cars behind. She wanted to get out of the car and run. But what if the Eyes followed?Te last straggling pedestrian crossed and Shirin raced away, breaking the speed limit, constantly checking all mirrors to make sure she wasnt pursued. When the cross-ing was a safe distance behind, she pulled up at a gas sta-tion, taking in the other cars, the people visible through the lit windows of the shop. No empty, threatening eyes. She switched of the engine and locked herself in. Ten, with shaky fngers reluctant to do her bidding, she pulled out her phone and dialled Vinods number for the second time that morning.Yes? His voice was clipped.Vinod, I saw...Shonu. I am at a meeting. Can I call you back?Why had she called him? She knew how busy he was, how he hated to be disturbed at work. Everything was of-kilter since the dream this morning. And what she had just seen... A hallucination? Something real? Here? Now?He misinterpreted her silence. Shonu, Im sorry. She heard voices discussing fowcharts. Male laughter. Ill call you later. Bye. Ringtone loud in her ear. She put the phone back in her bag, unlocked the car and stepped outside on jelly legs. She was a survivor. She wouldnt let what shed just seenthought shed seen?defeat her. She smoothed her skirt, ficked a sliver of lint of her shirt. A bell tinkled as she pushed open the door of the !"#$%&' )*& 11shop. Te Asian man at the till looked up briefy. Drowsy brown eyes glazed with boredom. Stop this. Stop inspecting the eyes of everyone you see. She treated herself to cofee and a jam doughnut. At work she was swamped with concerned queries and advice she didnt want: Shirin, you look peaky. Whats the matteryou coming down with something? Two ibuprofen and a black cofee, thats what works for me. And exaggerated winks and nudges with allusions to the night before: Enjoyed ourselves a bit too much last night, did we? What was the occasion then? She went straight to Kates ofce and knocked. Have you had breakfast? I got doughnuts.Are you all right, babe? You look like something the cat brought in.Kate: witty, straight-talking, Irish; her only friend in the UK. Kate was the one who had interviewed her at CST Solutions, looking for a software programmer to join her team. Immediately after the interview, Kate had held out her hand to Shirin: I know Im breaking all the rules and were supposed to get back to you after three days, but what the heckyoure on. Welcome to CST Solutions, Shirin. Welcome to my team. Shirin had stared at Kates hand, at her beaming face with its faint dusting of freckles. Te person on the CV, thats not who I am, shed said. Its not? As long as you do your work well, I dont care who you are, Kate had replied, a bemused smile on her face. Something in Shirin had shifted then; the chill that R DS12had taken root since leaving India had thawed slightly and shed warmed to this woman with her upturned mouth made for laughter. Kate was the only person besides Vinod who knew the truth about Shirins past. She had had to confde in her, when the thing happened with Ian. For Shirin, who had learned the hard way not to trust anyone, trusting Kate with her story was a leap of faith. To her credit, Kate had not been outraged, had not sacked Shirin as shed half expected her to, had not treated her diferently since. And tentatively over the years, Kate had morphed from boss to friend. Now Shirin asked, Do I look that bad?Kate nodded, Like youre coming down with some-thing. Are you? Do you need the day of?No. Ive just had a shock, thats all. A blast from the past. She tried to be blas, to put on a smile. It didnt work. Not with Kate.What happened? Te concern in Kates voice brought it all back. Made her knees buckle. She sat. I... I dreamt of home. Woke up aching with longing. I used to have these dreams a lot in the beginning. So vivid. Like I was there. Like that was real and this... this life a dream...But it wasnt only that, was it?Perceptive Kate. No. A deep breath. On the way here, I was at a pedestrian crossing. I saw... A pair of eyes. Empty yet menacing. Looking directly at her. Te Eyes...!"#$%&' )*& 13Kates startled gaze held hers. Here? Now?I... I dont know.Was there a face? A person? Anything?An intake of breath that came out a sigh. Just the Eyes. Like in the nightmares. Yesterday. Did something happen? Something that jogged your memory? Caused the dream and this...Shirin met Kates gaze. Her birthday. A whisper.Kates mouth: a perfect maroon-lipsticked O. A couple of years ago, when Kate had had her pregnancy scare with the Boyfriend from Hell, Shirin had told her. Te fnal ugly truth about herself. Her guilty secret. Her biggest regret. Does it happen every year?Not like this. Te dream perhaps... But not...What you just saw?Must have been my imaginationdont you think, Kate? It was a plea.Im sure it was. Kate gave Shirins arm another squeeze. Shirin, its been ten years...Eleven, Shirin whispered.Eleven then. After all youve been through, whats the worst that can happen?Shirin closed her eyes, gripped the arms of her chair. She could think of a few things.All right, Ill shut up now. Im not helping. And then, very gently, Do you want to talk about it?Shirin shook her head, no. Kate nodded once, then stood abruptly, clicking her fngers. Come on, you need R DS14a strong black cofee. And work. Nothing like work to get your mind of all this.Yes, said Shirin, shaking her head to clear her mind of visions of cold, empty, accusing eyes. Nothing quite like work.15!"#$%&' %0)%,1 !23 4 -2. !5.1 -6 / ,1 78./ 13 4 -2. +4 3 9 6 3 -: / ,1 $,-/ -;3 5