Mothers at Home Matter Winter Newsletter

7/30/2019 Mothers at Home Matter Winter Newsletter

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The newsletter of Mothers at Home Matter, PO Box 43690, London SE22 9WN

Summer

2012

For a policy to befriendly to allfamilies, it would have

to be flexible, since whatis friendly to one family,might not be so to another.

I the current government isclaiming that a policy such asextending wrap-around care,orcing schools to stay openuntil 8pm and eed childrentheir evening meal, is amilyriendly, they are making a huge

assumption about what amiliesin the UK want. By this measure,amily riendly equates toenabling parents and children tospend as little time together aspossible. Surely, the only policythat would be amily riendly inthe true sense o the word wouldbe one that allowed amilies tomake choices, requiring equal

support rom thetax system

or

those who work outside the homeand pay others to raise theirchildren, and those who raise their

own children at home.

Another public gure out o touchwith the reality o amily lie isCherie Blair, who recently enragedstay at home mothers with her ill-advised comments about yummymummies, who she accused osetting a bad example to theirchildren. But, to quote Janet Daleywriting about the Child Benet

cap: Do the Prime Minister, theDeputy Prime Minister or theChancellor all rich men withworking wives have any idea howmost amilies live?

At the other end o the spectrum,a new organisation called SaveChildhood has recently beenlaunched, a growing collaborationo individuals and organisationsthat share a deep concern about

the erosion o childhood thathas occurred over the last ewdecades. MAHM have added theirname to the list o suppportingorganisations on their website in abid to make a dierence. A quoteon the Save Childhood websitesums up the need or action: Tereis no blame when we are unawarethat we are causing damage toourselves or others, but once we

are aware we become complicit.

In thisissueLynneBurnham letsus behind politicians doors onchildcare, Anne Fennell brings

us up to date on the Child Benetcap, whilst Laura Boon and PoppyPickles report on this years WhatAbout the Children? conerencewhich questioned whether we

value the rst three years enough.

Our organisation aims to helpclose this gap in understandingby campaigning or a real changeat the heart o government: byensuring that our voice is heard at

policy thinktanks, by supportinglike-minded organisations suchas the new movement SaveChildhood, and by joining our

voices together to shout, as loudlyas we can, that amily riendlyis not about making it as easy aspossible or us to be apart romour children, but about givingamilies a true choice.

Jessica Renison, Editor

What is Family Friendly?


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Contents1

2

3

4

7

8

10

11

12

What is FamilyFriendly?

Into the DragonsDen

Letter to Nick CleggMP

WATCh?Conference Report2012

Child Benefit

Debacle

In the Media

Book Review: KissMe

Your Letters

Committee and

News

Into the Dragons Den

In April this year I attendedthe All Party ParliamentaryGroup on Childcare at theHouse of Commons.

Te All Party Parliamentary Group

was set up to raise awareness o

and promote the importance o

high quality, aordable childcare

and early years provision in the

UK. Te meeting involved various

childcare organisations pitching

or their initiative to receive more

unding. We elt it was important

to attend as an organisation to

represent the benets o bringing

up children in the home and the

rights o mothers to choose to do

that.

One o the most worrying pitches

was rom a researcher rom the

Social Market Foundation who was

proposing a National Childcare

Contribution scheme. Te proposed

scheme would induce youngparents, oen already burdened

by student loans and mortgages,

to take on yet more debt to cover

childcare costs. It was presented

as being a cost neutral venture to

the Exchequer with interest

at 3% above ination.

Te contribution rate

would be 6% o the

main earners gross

income and taken

as part o PAYEmuch like the current

Student Loan scheme. I

am glad to say that, when

the Chair, the MP Jessica Morden,

asked us to vote or the various

proposals, this initiative received

the least number o votes.

Other presentations were rom

Save the Children, who advocated

increased support or parents

through tax credits. A private

nurseryownerpitched toreduce thecosts aced bychildcare providers by, or example,reducing local taxation costs. Telast presentation o the day wasrom the Chie Executive o theDaycare rust, Anand Shukla, whoproposed extending the ree placesscheme to 2 year olds. He called itthe jewel in the crown with anultimate goal o increasing the time2-year-olds could be in a nursery-type setting up to 20 hours a week.Te cost, he announced, could bemore than 5 billion twice what iscurrently spent on Child Benet!

One o the speakers highlightedhow important it was that womenshould be ullling their ulleconomic potential. Both myseland Lydia Keyte rom WACh?(What About the Children) pointedout that the childs potential andtheir needs were not truly beingrepresented here.

Curiously, I had recently read anarticle on a study by the previousLabour Government, which

concluded that the singlemost important inuence

on child developmentwas not income orschooling, but parentalcommitment and the

extent to which parentsengage in activities with

their children. Te evidencestated that it was especially key in

the 0-3 age group, the very age thatMr Shukla was proposing should besent to nursery or longer hours. Itis o primary importance that thispoint o view is countered by thosewho have the long term interests o

our children at heart.

Lynne Burnham

Maximum affection from birth

makes difference for whole life

His Holiness the Dalai Lama


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I

t is a mothers instinct

to know that the bond

between them and theirinfant in the earliest years

is a vital one.

Now scientists and sociologists arebeginning to prove to us why it isan irreplaceable one. It is importantthat we know this science so thatwe can pass on to others that weare not, in Cherie Blairs words,

being ambitionless yummymummies when we stay athome to bring up our smallchildren, but choosingthe ideal upbringing orour children. In March2012, three o our membersattended the annualWACh? conerence, entitledTe First Tree Years: do we valuethem enough?

What About the Children? was setup in 1994, as its ounders elt thatthere was insufcient knowledgeavailable about how best to bring upthe youngest and most vulnerablemembers o our society.

Speaking rst was the eminentpsychologist and inuential writerDr Penelope Leach. Since the1977 publication o her parentingguide Your Baby and Child: From

Birth to Age Five, she has aectedthe way that we think about howto parent. Tis presentation wasbased on her most recent book,Te Essential First Year, whichstresses the crucial importance oone-to-one nurturing or emotionaldevelopment. Her talk ocused onthe idea that, with children, earlierreally is better. According to DrLeach, the current governmentseorts to tackle the rise in anti-

social behaviour by targeting

pre-schoolers at around age 3,is too little, too late, because theeects o neglectul parentingcause irreversible, psychologicaldamage as early as the last trimestero pregnancy. I childrens earlydevelopment was optimised thiscould save a massive amounto money in the long run. Herresearch, based on advances inneuro-imaging techniques, showsthat neglectul parenting aects the

behaviour o the inant,which in turn aects

the very structureo the growingbrain. Under 1shave the mostextraordinarilyadaptable brains,

which respondto whatever

environment theyare born into. A newborn

brain in a stressul environmentwill grow intense attack and

deence impulses, whereas a babyborn into a responsive, lovingenvironment will have a brain thatcan regulate the attack and deenceimpulses, and can subsequentlyorm close relationshipswith others in adultlie.

During the earlymonths, it is theright hemisphere

o the babys brainthat develops rst.Dr Leach quotedDr Allan Schore, whohas researched the right-to-rightbrain communication that occursbetween babies and their primarycarers, well beore any linguisticcommunication has developed.He states that the essential task othe rst year o human lie is thecreation o a secure attachment

bond o emotional communication

andinteractiveregulationbetween theinant and primary caregiver.Tis non-verbal communicationinvolves the tone o voice, bodylanguage and a tactile response,the centres or which reside in theright hemisphere o the humanbrain. Crucially, it is generallymothers who have larger orbito-cortixes (the part o the rightbrain involved in non-verbalcommunication). Tey are thereorephysiologically programmed torespond instinctively to their baby.o illustrate the physiological eecto neglect on the inant brain wewere shown slides o brain scans obabies and toddlers in ull time careat a Russian residential nursery,compared with those brought upin a loving home environment,and the dierences between thelit up areas o the brain (showing

emotional intelligence) were stark.

Despite the evidence she hadpresented on the primaryimportance o an intimate

connection between motherand child in the rst year,

during the questionand answer sessionthat ollowed, DrLeach reused to bepinned down on the

subject o stay at homemothers. Conusinglyshe said that there was too

much assumption that one-to-one care rom the mother wasthe golden ideal. Frustratingly,she also said that we needed to becareul in prioritising the mother,based on the act that in individualcases some men can have a largeright brain too.

What About the Children? Conference 2012

the essential

task of the first

year of human life is

the creation of a

secure attachment

bond

Poppy Pickles


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Dr Penelope Leach I Dr Aric Sigman

R

enowned psychologist,

Dr Aric Sigman, next

gave an impassioned talk

on the negative effects

of day-care on young

children.

I his previous research into theharmul eects o V on childrenhas been unpopular, this newresearch will probably be themost controversial and politicallyunpalatable o all, and, unlikePenelope Leach, he is happy to puthis head above the parapet. Tecontext within which day-carestudies are normally discussed is byits nature problematic: parental guilt,sexual politics and economic actorsalways take precedence overhonest discussion o what isbest or children. Withinthis highly sensitive area,mothers at home caneel that their opinions

are less important thanthose o mothers whowork outside the home.

Tere are several studies romwell-respected science journals,however, that place ar greater valueon the role o mothers at homethan on day-care. Unsurprisingly,yet disappointingly, neither theDepartment o Health nor theDaycare rust ever reerence them. It

is Dr Sigmans intention to increasethe exposure o these studies, andthus overcome the conspiracy osilence in the press an intimidatingtask! We are used to hearing in thepress about the benets o day-careor children. Some studies do showpositive outcomes or children inday-care, yet Dr Sigman argues thatthe benets are usually remedialones or children rom deprivedbackgrounds. Tis is not made clearin the press, where the implication

is that the positive outcomes areapplicable to all children equally. He

also explained that these positive

outcomes are usually ocused on

skills such as acquisitiveness, skills

which are less important or a pre-

schooler to have mastered than theability to manage their emotions.

Behavioural benets that you

dont get rom day-care stem rom

being able to develop empathy and

compassion, which in most cases are

best learned rom a mother.

It is difcult to carry out research

on the eects o day-care on babies,since they cant talk, but it is possible

to conduct biological research on

this age group by looking at their

cortisol levels. Cortisol is thehormone released in response

to stress, which is made

by the HPAA system

(Hypothalamic-

Pituitary-Adrenal

axis). Risingcortisol levels

are essential orsurvival, as they

prompt a ght or

ight response, and in

the rst year o lie, babiesdevelop a daily cycle o cortisol

levels.

A meta-analysis o the latest research

shows that, in under-threes, cortisol

levels o children attending day-care were higher than those who

received home-care. Home-carechildren had levels which rose and

then ell towards the end o the day,

whilst day-care children had levels

which constantly rose throughoutthe day. We dont yet know the nal

outcomes o raised cortisol levels in

this age group, but it is a cause or

concern, especially in the under-

ones, as studies show that stress

in under one year olds is linked tohigher rates o disease, immune

problems, depression and anxiety

in later lie.Dr Sigmanexplained how

a deciency omaternal care canactually change gene activation, aswell as the actual size o the stress-centre o the brain being aected.One long-term study showed thatchildren who attended day-care stillhad atypical cortisol levels aer 15years.

o highlight his theory o a mediaconspiracy surrounding open

discussion o these topics, Dr Sigmandescribed with outrage a 2012 studywhich went unreported in the press,showing that children who hadreceived more maternal care aged 3-5actually had increased hippocampalvolume o up to 10% aged 7-13. Testudy demonstrated the poweruleect o maternal nurture on allareas regulated by the hippocampus,including memory, emotionregulation and stress modulation.

Te public health implications othis study are proound and ar-reaching, yet the government andthe media seem happy to downplayit, preerring to let the inormationremain within the scienticcommunity.

We all talk o quality time with ouramilies, yet Dr Sigmans ndingsclearly show that quantity t ime isequally important. In our society,this remains an unpalatable idea

because o the socio-economicimplications o making quantitytime between parents and childrena priority and a realistic possibility.Dr Sigman assured us that he wasnot setting out to make women eelguilty, but to remind us that childwell-being should always comebeore parental guilt and sexualpolitics, because there is no secondchance at childhood.

parental guilt,

sexual politics and

economic factors always

take precedence over

honest discussion of whatis best for children

Laura Boon


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WATCh? Talks continued...

Finally, psychologistHilary Kennedy andsocial worker Sophie Ker-shaw described Video

Interactive Guidance, a

relatively new method be-

ing pioneered in the UK,

which can help the rela-

tionship between parent

and child.

Video Interactive Guidance, orVIG or short, was pioneeredin the UK by Proessor Colwynrevarthen, Proessor (Emeritus)o Child Psychology & Psycho-biology at the University o Ed-inburgh. It works in a respectuland collaborative way with clients,treating them as equal and intel-ligent rather than just pointing outthe parts they are getting wrong.

Edited video clips o better thanusual communication betweenparent and child are used bythe VIG counsellor as the basiso discussions about how todevelop the parent/child rela-tionship urther. It is a relation-ship-based intervention whichgradually helps parents becomemore sensitive and attuned to theirchilds emotional needs, regardlesso the age o the child.

Tis method is applicable to situ-ations where communication be-tween adult and child has almostcompletely broken down, as well asin situations in which good com-munication has been slow todevelop. Te advantages o lm-ing the parent and child togetheris that people naturally act orthe camera. Teir behaviour will

thereore be better than usual, and

show, what is termed in VIG asattuned communication Tis iswhere the child initiates an inter-action with the parent, and theparent responds and communi-cates back. Tis can be incrediblysimple, such as the child clapping,and the parent clapping back,returning the rhythm. Tis wasthen shown back to the mother ina shared review, where the pro-essional and the mother studied

the clip together. Being able towitness and learn rom her ownpositive parenting, in a sup-portive and non-judgementalramework allowed the mother

to learn to trust her instincts.

Tis was an inspirational case,where the mother progressedquickly and the end result was thatshe was given her baby back. Wewere then shown some beautiulootage o the mother eeding herbaby at home, laughing and play-ing together. Obviously, not allcases end so happily, but we couldcertainly see how this interven-tion could break the cycle o abuseby using the parents own positiveparenting behaviour as a model orpositive behavioural change.

by watching and discussing thepositive eect o this behav-iour, they can learn how tochange.

In the talk, we were shownthe progression o a motherwho was ghting to get herbaby back, aer it had beenremoved directly aer birth dueto her drug habit. Tis was notan uncommon situation, as 60%o children removed rom drugaddicts are taken as newborns.

Sophie Kershaw was heading up apilot scheme using VIG as a way oimproving and assessing whetherthe mother would be able to be theprimary carer or her own child.Tere was an intensity to this case,as, i aer 9 months the relation-

ship was not deemed stableenough, the baby would havebeen put up or adoption. Apartrom the drug habit, which shewas ghting to break, the mothersbackground was also against her,as she had virtually no experienceo a stable emotional relationshipupon which to base her concept omothering. Te mother and babywere then lmed together and thiswas studied to extract a clip to

Poppy Pickles


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Child Benefit Debacle

W

hen the government

decided in October

2010 to remove the lastpre-pension universal

benefit it was not about

fairness.

It was purely about extra revenue.And in these indebted timesthere is no dishonour in that.Whether child benet is termedas a handout or an allowance

(as would be more accurate inrespect o those who are netcontributors to the state) takingit away rom the better o wasalways a reasonable revenuechoice among all the possiblerevenue options. But moving romuniversality inevitably introducesa means test. Te reasons behindthe governments choice o thehigher rate tax threshold as themeans test was purely political. It

made a great soundbite. Butbeing a cli edge testas between 42,475and 42,475and one pennyto determinewhethersomeone withthree childrenwould keep or lose2,000 was arcical.

When it came to raming it as abill in January this year thereorethe cli edge was sensibly turnedinto a taper now starting at 50kwith ull removal occurring at60k. Te cli edge though wasnot the only problem. Tere wasalso the unairness o doubleincome amilies with one childand both parents each on 42kkeeping the benet, while a

traditional amily with threechildren next door and a singleincome o 43k would lose it. Tatanomaly remains despite havingbeen shied to the 60k bracket.Doubtless ew will shed a tear.In truth it is more a tragedy thana arce that the tax and benetsystem cannot be neutral asregards what orm o amily it hasin contemplation. State handoutsto the poor have always beenassessed on a needs basis that isthe need o the amily or what

is a more identiable proxy thehousehold.

Conversely the basis o taxationsince 1989 has been individual,that is, not taking into accountthe overall amily or householdcircumstances. As the basis or ameans test it is hopeless. So childbenet will be given to the motherwho may be earning 50k or maybe at home, but i her husband isearning 60k he is required to pay

it back at the end o the year.

But the Institute oChartered Accountantshas now told the reasurythat the Governments

plans are seriouslyawed in principle and

in practice (Letters, page9). Tis is strong language. Its

concern is centred particularlyupon cases where the marriageis strained or broken down andthe income which each partnerearns is sensitive and condentialinormation. Giving a benet toone partner (usually the woman)and claiming the money backrom the other (usually the man)is a recipe or discord and, by anyaccounts, hardly just. Tey pointout or example that sel employed

husbands

may notknow ithey haveexceeded thethreshold until aer the clawbackis due and this sort o scenariowill bring HMRC into disreputeas child benet has been paidout to the mother, clawed backrom the husband and then latermay have to be paid back (to him

presumably). Nor can the mothereasily opt out o collecting thechild benet as to do so couldreduce her uture State pensionentitlement.

With such complications,incentives or avoidance ormisunderstanding, penalties,letters and coding adjustments,the cost o implementation willbe terric. One wonders whether

this measure can really achieve theoriginal motive o raising revenue?And as the option to stay at hometo raise ones children becomesincreasingly penalised andnancially difcult, one wondershow much the government willbe orced to spend in aordablechildcare, already among thehighest in the world?

Anne Fennell

what it has

led to is a tax

system that is wilfully

blind to family

circumstance

What Can I Do?

Write to your local MP,Treasury and the Prime Minister,highlighting the points madein this article. Templates canbe found on our website:www.mothersathomematter.org/mahm-campaign-lettersSee also: www.mothersathomematter.org/an-introduction-tofamily-finance


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Parenting ClassesDavid Cameron has announcedthat the government is launching

a parenting class voucher scheme.Parents o under-5s will be given

vouchers to buy lessons romindependent providers which willcover discipline, diet, exercise,amily rows, bullying and preparingchildren or school. Five milliontrial scheme will be launched inthree areas, but could be extendedquickly.

Te question is, what will be the

take-up and by whom? And howwill the benets be measured in theshort-term?

Te Daily Mail, 12/5/12

Open all HoursSchool days could be extendeduntil 8pm and red tape onchildcare provision slashed underGovernment reorms. DavidCameron will today launch acommission on childcare to draw upmeasures to reduce costs or parents

and ease bureaucratic restrictionson providers.

Te Prime Minister wantsmore academies andree schools to extendtheir days, and othersto oer aer-schoolclubs.Te Daily Mail, 19/6/12

Cheaper Childcare

Neil OBrien, Directoro Policy Exchange, asked inthe elegraph, How can we getchildcare to be cheaper and better?

Over the years the UK child supportsystem has become ever morecomplex. Leaving parents withmore money o their own to spendas they see t is evidently not anoption. Instead the governmentspends money on Early YearsEducation, Employer supported

Childcare Vouchers, the Childcare

Element o the Working axCredit, Child Benet and SureStartCentres. Te author states that, to

the parents, childcare in the UK isvery expensive. Heavy regulation,including in childminding, has beenthe cause o this. Te Government isnow set to re-examine the relativelyhigh stafng ratios. So, what aboutquality? EPPE (Eective Provisiono Pre-School Education) ound thathigher sta qualications (qualiedteacher status) have a positiveinuence on young childrenssocial/behavioural outcomes.However, crude changes in sta/

child ratios did not.

For all the discussion o this topicalsubject by experts, the truth doesnot seem to stare them in the ace:high quality aordable childcarewill always remain a contradictionin terms. Governments, as inSweden (see below) may choose toreduce the cost to parents to a largerextent, but that is not the sameas cutting the actual cost, whichwill need to be recouped rom thetaxpayer.

Te elegraph,18/5/12

Are Swedishwomen livingthe dream?Who does notsometimes wishthat they were

born Scandinavianand, especially,

Swedish? Tere seemsto be nothing that thesepolite, compliant people and theirpolicymakers can ever do wrong.And the politicians and journalistswho ock there never cease to raveabout a welare system that almostlis its young citizens out o thecradle and carries them until thegrave.

Melanie Abbott, reporting orWomans Hour, spoke to parents

queueing at the Junibacken

Playhouse in Stockholm. Teseparents pay just 120 per month orull-time day-care (o a standard

that would cost about 1000 permonth in the UK) yet none o theparents interviewed seemed in theleast troubled by the act that it isthe taxpayer who eectively picksup most o the bill. One atherexplained that he and his wie careor their child jointly, i.e. he takeshis son to day-care in the morningand she etches him in the evening.

Te next visit was to the KullensPre-School or 1-6 year olds in a

Stockholm suburb. Tis is an OpenNursery which means that parentson leave are welcome too. Its alieline to them: they meet otherparents and the babies are in collegeto socialise rom the start. Tere are148 children on the roll. Te athero 3 year old Axel, presently onparental leave, admitted that it wastough leaving him there at rstbut that he got over it. A motherwho leaves or work at 6.30am andreturns at 5.00pm, said that it took2 months or her daughter to settlein. Te supervisor Eva Carlstedtwas asked whether a smaller settingor young children would notbe preerable. She disagreed, butadmitted that 4-6 hours would bequite long enough. Children arecommonly le or 8-10 hours andeven more.

So why is it that British politiciansock to Sweden or ideas and why

is the country held up to oreignersas an example? In the 1960s and1970s the USA and Europe werereluctant to accept eminism.However, Swedish politicians tooknotice and promoted the dual-earner module. Equal pay legislationwas introduced in 1980 and withthat came 480 days parental leave,o which 390 are paid at the rateo 80% o previous salary and therest at a at rate o 18 Euros perday. Yet still only 20% o positions

in higher academia are taken by

In the Media

it seems not

to have occurred to

her that many mothers...

believe that it is not good

for children to have both

parents working long

hours


9/12

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women, the top positions in privateindustry are taken by men and onlyin the state sector (where there is

positive discrimination) do womenrise to the top. Te panel did notreally address whether individualwomen should have choices. Swedenappears to make no distinctionbetween state and society. Te Stateis here to make a good Society wasthe attitude.

BBC Radio 4 Womans

Hour, 19/5/12

Cherie Blairslates yummy

mummiesTere has beenan avalanche onegative responseto Cherie Blairsattack on stay-at-home mothers, whoare apparently setting abad example to their childrenwith their lack o ambition. Hercomments included: you hearthese yummy mummies talk aboutbeing the best possible mother andthey put all their eort into theirchildren. I also want to be the bestpossible mother, but I know that my

job as a mother includes bringingmy children up so actually they canlive without me.

Minette Marin in the Sunday imesdelivered an excellent riposte toCherie Blairs attack, in which sheconcluded that a minority o alphawomen have no understanding o

the majority o women. She pointedout that a couple o barristers, bothsel-employed and well paid, have alot o choices open to them whichmay have distanced them rom theharsher problems o ordinary lie.

She commented that one othe strange things about alphawomen is that they do not reallyunderstand other women. Tereare some women, oen clever andsuccessul, who do not eel a need

to be at home with their children

very much, even though they lovethem, and then there are otherwomen most women. Te vast

majority o women do not have veryinteresting choices. Te experienceso an extremely rich, jet-setting,sel-employed, exi-time QC arelargely meaningless to a womanwho cannot work, whether she

wants to or not, becauseshe and her childrens

ather cannot aordchildcare.

Her thoughtsare irrelevant

to the largenumberso motherso young

children wholong to stay at

home with thembut cannot aord to.

All these mothers acemuch harsher choices than MrsBlair ever has, and are hardly likelyto be impressed by being told whatsbest or them by someone like her.

Whats more, it seems not to haveoccurred to her that many mothers,even though they would not wishto tell her what to do, believe thatit is not good or children to haveboth parents working long hours,pursuing demanding careers, andthereore unable to spend muchtime with them.

Te Sunday imes, 24/6/12

You CANT have it allAnne-Marie Slaughter, untilrecently a senior ofcial in theObama administration, has causeda stir in the US by writing an essayclaiming that it is not possible tohave it all.

Her working week started at 4.20amon Monday and stopped late onFriday evening. Eventually sheconcluded: I could no longer beboth the parent and proessional

I wanted to be having it all was

not possible.Slaughter believesthat something

undamental has to change as thereis something wrong with a workculture that requires employees toremain at their desks or impossiblylong hours, and which ails to treatparental duties as a legitimate andimportant part o any workers lie.She also argues that, althoughwomen have succeeded in closingthe gender gap in employment andpay, their happiness levels havedeclined both relatively andabsolutely. Tis is too high a price

to pay.Te Sunday imes, 1/7/12

Child Benefit DisasterTe Institute o CharteredAccountants or England andWales has told the reasury thatthe controversial plan to denythe benet to amilies with ahigh earner is seriously awed inprinciple and in practice.

Te Institute claimed that unless theGovernment ound a more workablealternative, the tax plan could bean operational and reputationaldisaster.

Te Sunday imes, 15/5/12

And fnally, a letter printed in theelegraph ollowing the QueensSpeech in May:

SIR Under amily-riendly lawsunveiled in the Queens Speech,

maternity leave will be transerrablebetween parents to help bothparents share the burden o childcare (Leading article, May 9).Children are a blessing and theircare a privilege and joy. Tose whoconsider their care will be a burdenshould think twice about havingchildren in the rst instance.

Margaret insleyLymington, Hampshire

Anna Lines


10/12

10 Cover image from Kiss Me by Carlos Gonzales, published by Pinter & Martin.Used with permission.

Kiss Me: How to raise yourchildren with loveby Carlos GonzalesPublished by Pinter & MartinISBN 978-1-78066-010-3

Carlos Gonzales is a renownedpaediatrician who advocatesraising children on a basis o love,respect and reedom. So whatsnot to like? Gonzales points outat the beginning o the bookthat our very concepts o goodparenting are ounded on culturalbias, and reminds us that withinliving memory mothers have beengiven all sorts o advice romexperts, which has come to beseen as totally misplaced. o thisend, Gonzales advocates a kindo clean-slate approach a returnto innocence where were ree toregard our children as inherentlygood, seless, generous, honest,sociable and understanding. And

above all, deserving o all the lovewe can give them.

His book is not a step-by-stepguide to parenting, but more oa conceptual approach, basedon parental love and biologicalnurturing. From a scientic pointo view, Gonzales brings in theattachment theories o Bowlbyand the behavioural theories oSkinner. From an anthropological

point o view he mentions studieso various tribes and cultures allover the world. Tese are by nomeans comprehensive analyses,but more o a statistical reminderthat there is nothing normalabout the way we try to bring upour children in the West! He usesexamples rom the animal worldto illustrate how dierent youngbehave dierently in relation totheir mothers, suggesting that

natural selection has worked out

Book Review

the best way or each species to beparented, and the indicators orour species are that we need close,constant physical contact with ourmothers or at least the rst year.

Gonzaless concept or the bestkind o parenting is, however, ademanding one, advocating long-term, on-demand breast eedingand co-sleeping. He is rather tooquick to dismiss problem sleepersas a construct created by the ruleso sleeping separately. We all know,

however, that it is not always thatsimple. Tere is undeniably anemphasis in the book on needingadequate time or good parenting;it cant be somehow squashed intoquality time and needs to be long-term and sustained or children tobenet rom it. Gonzales severaltimes uses the trick o replacingthe word child in a paragraph onparenting with the word wie topoint out how absurd some o our

expectations o children are, andthat we manipulate them in wayswe wouldnt dream o doing to aspouse. His premise is that i weshow respect or our children theywill respect us in return and thatbad behaviour arises rom thechild seeking acknowledgement.

Although theres nothingrevelatory in Kiss Me, the bookdoes oer an uncomplicated,

rereshing analysis o how to getback to the real basics o parenting.It reminds us that the newbornchild is genetically no dierentnow rom several thousand yearsago, yet it is immediately expectedto conorm to our social andcultural norms. Any usteredparent can do with a reminder thatthe only thing really on a babysmind is survival and in a mothersarms, with a mothers genetic

predisposition to love, the baby is

in the right place. Only at the endo the book does Gonzales turn his

attention to childcare. He outlines,as others have beore him, the wayin which our instincts have beenundermined. One o the greatestdangers o the myth [o theimportance o early stimulation] isthe widely held belie that parentsdont know how to stimulate theirchildren properly, and that thisis the job o experts in pedagogy.Parents are made to believe theirchild needs to go to the nurseryin order to learn how to talk, tobecome socialised, to sharpen theirwits in general, to be less spoiled,to be separated rom their mothers(this the nurseries accomplishunortunately).

But one o the best things I havetaken away rom this book is acomment Gonzales heard rom amother, who, ed up with being

criticised, had decided that insteado saying Im not working at themoment, she would say Imtaking part in a research projectin applied psychology to study theeects o prolonged one-to-onecontact on the psychoemotionaldevelopment o babies.

And so we are.

Mel ibbs


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LettersPlease send letters & contributions to P O Box 43690,

London SE22 9WN or to [email protected]

The Editor reserves the right to edit letters and articles for space and clarity.

Opinions expressed on the letters page are not necessarily those of MAHM.

Real parentingIn the media, school playground, evenwithin my own extended amily, I

have been presented with numerousopinions about women who havechosen to give up employment andcare or their children ull-time. But Ieel that I dont t in with the picturethat is presented. So in the hope it willdispel some myths, Ive decided to putmy story across.

I gave up my career eight years agoto become the main carer o my twochildren. Just because I care or mychildren ull-time, it doesnt mean

I have no intellect or interests otherthan my home lie. Im not reallyinto home-making and I crave aglass o wine sometimes at ve in theaernoon. I dont want to bake cakesevery day, and I allow my children towatch television. I secretly dislike playdates, but suer them on occasion orthe good o my children. I do not wantto talk endlessly about amily, babies,husbands or housework; althoughannoyingly at times it seems that thesesubjects are all that can be draggedout o my overtired brain. I do

sometimes long to talk about politics,literature, art or Coronation Street.I am ar rom perect, but I am goodenough.

We cant know the reality o being aparent until our baby arrives, and atthat point it may eel like the wrongtime to make big changes to incomeand liestyle. Youve decided that youwould like to stay at home and careor your baby, but this will meanhaving to cut the amily income justwhen youve got a baby to provide or.Its all pressure, and i youre alreadystruggling with eelings that youre notdoing the parenting job very well, thatits not as enjoyable, in act is muchharder, than you ever anticipated,there is a chance youre going to makethe wrong decision. A decision thatwill undamentally aect your lie andyour babys too.

Even aer all these years at home Istill have a wobble every now andagain, looking at other parents and

believing that theyre doing the job

better than me. At these times mysel-belie quickly dissolves. I ear Imdamaging my children, not nurturing

them, that I say no to them toooen, or that I let them eat too muchchocolate. Tere are countless otherequally banal, yet potent belies, whichI sometimes haul beore my inner

judge. At these times I can be leeeling very much the amateur. Tenthere are the other times when I lookat other parents and judge them to beworse at the job than me, and that isnot helpul either.

Te issue here isnt whether somebodyis a better parent or not. You canbe a great parent, antastic even ongood days, but sometimes you canalso not be great or antastic andthats perectly OK too. So, i yourenot sure what decision to make, with

voices in your head telling you thatyou cant do it, that its too hard, juststop. ake a look at that preciouslittle person youve brought into theworld. Tey need you, they really do.Dont miss out on a ll the gorgeousstu that being at home with yourchildren brings. It doesnt just consist

o dirty nappies, potty training,tantrums and housework, all o whichare challenging and tedious at times.Tese early years with your baby arelike no other emotional experienceyou will ever have. Plus, the quality ocare your inant receives during theseyears really does matter.

I know rom experience that theserst ew years will be gone in a ash.Ten you will be thrown out o themaelstrom o early years childcareall at once; and when you are, when

theyve gone o to school happy andcondent, eager to learn and open towhat the world has to oer, you cantell yoursel, I did that. Being a parentis the hardest job in the world, it isalso the most important one.

Julie Knowles

Reply to Cherie BlairI was talking to a riend the other dayand she was tel ling me, quite sadly,that her husband had encouragedher to go back to work part time in

between and aer having her children

or nancial reasons. Now that theyare both at school, and she is reeto work, she recalls the trauma o

dropping them o at nursery in theearly days and she wishes she hadntgone back when she did.

Tis made me pause or thought andrealise that in the 8 years I have beeno work looking aer our children,my husband has never once hintedat me going back to work, or putme under any pressure or made anyreerence to my not bringing moneyin, and I havent thanked him or that.In act, I am more likely to complainwhen he gets home about what a hardday Ive had. Te past 8 years havebeen nancially difcult and stressulor us to the extent that when campinglast summer we completely ran outo money/overdra/credit card spaceand couldnt buy bread and milk untilI remembered my Nectar points. Tatwas a particularly low point, but eventhen there was never any discussion omy returning to work.

We both know that this arrangementis best or our children and that

things wont always be this tight(hopeully). I suppose that when shemakes those cruel and thoughtlesscomments about yummy mummies,Cherie Blair doesnt realise that thereare thousands o ordinary motherslike me at home looking aer theirchildren educated women, perhapsstruggling nancially, rustrated romtime to time, but prepared to makethe short-term sacrice because theybelieve its the best they can do bytheir children.

Anonymous

Posted on our Facebook pageI only ound Mothers at Home Matteryesterday through a link in an article.Finally I eel inspired and condent inmy choice to be a stay at home mum. Iwas truly shocked that I was choosingthe unashionable liestyle and justknew there would be people out therethat shared the same values as me...and there you were. Tank you.

Jo Hird


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Event: Mothers At Home Matter AGM

Our Open Meeting and AGM will be held onWednesday the 21st of November at the Sweden-

borg Hall in Central London.Our speaker is Naomi Stadlen, existential psychotherapist and author otwo books, the most recent being, How Mothers Love: And How Rela-tionships Are Born. She is up to date with mothers views as she runsweekly discussion groups or mothers called Mothers alking.Tis event is a great chance or members to come together and drawinspiration rom each other as well as rom our speakers. We want to seeyou, so please make every efort to come.Full details o the event can be ound on the orms sent out with this

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Mothers at Home Matter Winter Newsletter