January1978MyDarlingBeCareful(LovelyBodies)ANarrativeTextforThreePerformersJamesBarthPerformer1(Male)=SolidLinePerformer2(Female=DottedLinePerformer3(Male)=BrokenLineP.1

Despiteeveryeffort,IcannotplacewhatIseeintoperspective.Aturnoftheheadorshiftoftheeyecausesthelittleslopes,plateaus,andoffinthedistance,hillsandvalleystoarrangethemselvesintonewpatterns.Iamsittingonabenchthatdelimitstwoworlds.BetweentheirexistenceandmyperceptionIsit,andfromthispositioneverythingoccurs.Yousee,IamintheoutskirtsofUzes,inaParksituatedatopaHill.TheParkbordersagriculturalfields,andagroupoftouristsisslowlyapproachingfromtherear.TherearePetanqueplayerstoo,andtheyareclackingtheirballsinrhythmicconcentrationbeforethethrow.Clackclackthrow;clackthrowclack;clacksmixingwithcommentsontheprogressofthegame,commentsandclacksechoingthroughouttheParkandmergingwiththetouristswhoareP.2

nowatmyside,onmybench,blockingmyviewofThesmallfarmsfifteenfeetbelowtherailing,withchildren’sbookgardensproducingtomatoes,herbs,flowersandscallionsinrowsseparatedbystripingpatchesofbareearth.Awallisononesideofonegarden.Overthewallisapathcuttingdownwardsanddisappearingintothevalley,disappearingintotheterracedslopes.Slopinglinesslideintostraightlines.Gardensleadtoothergardensthatarecultivatedinadifferentpatternthantheprecedingone.Thelightchangesasthecloudpassesthesun,alteringtheentirestructure.Thesunre-emerges,furtheraccentuatingthevaryingperspectives.There,adogIhadn’tnoticed.Heischainedtoametalrailwaythatlimitshislateralmotion.Backwardsandforwardshemoves,thechainconstantlygratingagainstthetrackthatholdsP.3

him.Hiseyesandearstrained,watching,listeningtoThetouristswhoarebeingguidedthroughthegeologicalhistoryoftheland;thelocationofvariousvillagesnestledwithin,andthehistoryoftheoccupantsofthesevillages:theirancestors,languageandcustoms.ThePetanque-istes,whoareintheirthirdgame,anditisaseriousaffairforoneofthem.Clack,hesquats.Clack,hesquintsandthrowswithaquick,jerkymotion.Hemisses.Anotherclack,anothersquat,afinalsquintandquick,stuntedmovementaccompaniedbythesoundofanautomobileshiftingfromfourthtothirdgearasitclimbsthesteepapproachtothePark.IfeeldisorientedandsilentasIsitonthisbench.Myheadturnstotheright:thestartingcars,thedrivers,talkers,strollers,walkingsticksandgames;oldmenandboysincapsP.4

andhatswithhandsonhips,weightononeleg,armsextended,headsdownandupandherecomesonenow.Heisanoldmanwearingaworkerscap.Anicelookingoldmanwearingalightweight,black,trimfittingsweater.Hispantsarehollow.Bonybuttocks,bonylegs,heleavesasabruptlyashearrived.Thegeneralrigidityofhistorsoissoftenedbythelimitedmovementofhisheadthatoccasionallyglancesupwardsatthemomentbeforeheisabouttostepoff,stepinto,orstepuponsomethinghewouldrathernot.Beyondwherehestoodistherailing.Itismadeofthick,spottedstone.ThepatternisanXencircled.Atopthisdesignisaonefootthickline.Beyondtherailisapeartreetop,toppedinthedistancebyasmalldomedhouse.IfeeldisorientedandsilentasIlookout.Howcanthisbe,thisabundanceofthisandthatscatteredintoinnumerableP.5

patterns?AndthereIsit,attheendofthebenchthatrestsagainsttherailthatseparatesthetwospaces,withtheoverwhelmingdesiretomakesense.Whatsortofmindisthis,thatprojectslifeuponothers?Thatgraspsasituationfromapositioninwhichtocontrol?Thatseesagestureorhearsaword,thenimmediatelyimpartsuponthatgesturearesponsemeanttodirecttheflowofthoughttowithintheboundariesofhisown?WhatfearisthisthatpreventsmefromsteppingoutsidethelimitationstowhichIhavebecomeaccustomed?Thatpreventsmefromlisteningtohim,thatmakesmeimpatient,encouraginginarticulatethought?ListentowhatIhavetosay.Shesaid:“Mydarling,becareful.Don’tyouunderstand?Toyou,nothingexistsexceptinyourownthoughts.Wearewhatyouchoosetomakeus.TrytoP.6

believethatweexistwhenyouarenotthere,thatweareindependentofyou,andthatnotoneofusisasyoufancyweare”.Whatkindofmindisthis,thatneedstodefine?Thatforevercalculatesdistanceandthepassageoftime?Thatplacesmovementsintorhythmswithinspace?Thatconstantlyattemptstoformpatterns,toseerelationshipsamongobjectsinordertounderstandtheirdifferences,theirsimilarities?Thatconstantlyattemptstounderstand,especiallywhenthereisnothingtounderstand,nowaytorelatetwoentities?Whattypeofthoughtprocessisthisthatmustalwaysbeworking?Thatconstantlyseesimageswheretheydonotexist.Thatalwaysattemptstounderstandandthenarticulateinastructured,clearpattern.Tyingeventstogether,theremustbeaconnection.Iwillmakeaconnection.P.7

BereniceAbbott,PennsylvaniaStation,1936P.8

Ifollowedyoutothegate,thendownthestairstothetrain.Itisforty-oneyearsandIhavewatchedandfollowedyouandIremainsilentnolonger.Yourlips,yesyourlipsclosed,partedplainandredandyourcalvescontractingwithasuddenhalt.Yourinsteprollingoverslightlyasyouwalkarhythmthatcausesyourbreaststocurveneatlytoyourwaist,toyourhips,toyourlegsthatmoveasIfollowimperceptibly.Iwatchyouclosely.Ifeelyourlegsastheycross,yourweightasyoustand.Iplacemyselfinapositiontoreceiveyouropenedcoatasitbrushesagainstme,toinviteyourarmasittouchesmineinacrowd.Idonotmissanopportunity.Yourarmsatyoursides,yourhandsinyourlaparemine,asareyourthoughtsthatIcontrol,develop.P.9

NomomentpassesinwhichIamnotthinkingofwaystobecomemoreintimatewithyou.Whatsortofmindisthis,thatprojectslifeuponothers?Thatgraspsasituationfromapositioninwhichtocontrol?Thatseesagesture,orhearsaword,thenimmediatelyimpartsuponthatgesturearesponsemeanttodirecttheflowofthoughtwithintheboundariesofhisown?P.10

AndreKertesz,ChezMondrian,1926P.11

Ifeltmypresenceentertheroomlessperceptiblythanthelightfromthehallway.AsIlistenedattentively,yourvoicepassedthroughthedooranduptheseveralstepstowhereIwasstanding,untilitbecamemythought.Ihadarrivedunnoticed,andIfeltaconflictingsenseofdispleasureandcomfortthatobjectswereastheyhadbeen.Theflower,stillinthevase.Thevase,stillatthecounter’sedge.Thelightfromthehall,stillcastingshadowsatthesameangle.Ithoughtofthestairwayspiralingfromcellartoroof,thestrawhathangingfromthewoodenknob,whatyourlifewasthenandwhatitmightbeatthepresent.ListentowhatIhavetosay:Shesaid,“Mydarling,becareful.Don’tyouunderstand?Toyou,nothingexistsexceptinyourownthoughts.Wearewhatyouchoosetomakeus.TrytoP.12

believethatweexistwhenyouarenotthere,thatweareindependentofyou,andthatnotoneofusisasyoufancyweare”.Contradiction,Imustunderstandcontradiction,everypossiblereasonforaparticularevent,gesture,word.WhatfearisthisthatpreventsmefromsteppingoutsidethelimitationstowhichIhavebecomeaccustomed?Thatpreventsmefromlisteningtoher?Thatmakesmeimpatient,encouraginginarticulatethought?Thereexistsatension,atensionbetweenwhatissaidandhowitisspoken.Therearethreeofus.Wehaveaspecificrelationtothetext.Itgivesusroomtoplay,beginstoestablishapatternthatisnotalwaysadheredtointhesamefashion.Beginstocreateatensionbetweenwhatissaidandhowitisspoken,andwhatsortofmindisthis:thatdefinesandP.13

calculates,thatconstantlyattemptstoformpatterns,toseerelationshipsamongobjectsinordertounderstandtheirdifferences,theirsimilarities?Thatconstantlyattemptstounderstand.Contradictiondevelopstowarddilemma.Dilemmadevelopstowarddistraction.Icanonlybridgeadiscrepancybycreatingasituationwherethetwoopposingpointsareoverriddenbyanotherstructure,anotherconcern.Itiswinter,worse,thebeginningofwinter.AbarinNewYork.AbarinCologne.AbarinParis,andnodoubtabarinLondontomorrow.LeCamera-Je:BabetteMangolte.Salo:Pasolini.IndiaSong:MargueriteDuras.AuFilsduTemps:WimWenders.CourbetandtheCaféEurope.P.14

Again,facingNotreDame.WhyMicheleandGermaine?BecauseofCharlotteandshenevershowedup.AtTheCaféEurope,withOneFifthAvenuemusic,MarcdeBourgogne,coffee,penandpaper.Anotherlanguage,withdreamsinwhichitisdifficulttocommunicatewiththosetowhomIspeak,anotherlanguage.Languagenow,flowingoutwithoutatraceofspirit.Themindbecomesnumb,becomesonewiththismusicthatrollsalongincessantlyasthesewords.ItisthatIgettoastatewhereIcannotevenrelatetowhatIneedmost.Icouldhavehad,butIamnotcapablenow.Thankyou,tenderoneforyourattention,butimpossibleatthemoment.NomorethanfourP.15

wordstoalinebutnowfivecountinga.Sorapidlyrapidfirewordsshit.ItisthatIgettoastatewhereIcannotevenrelatetowhatIneedmost.Lovelybodies,lovelybodies,whatisallthistrouble?Waiter,wait.Notnowpianoplayer,her,theoneIwant.Nottonight.Iamincapableoflove.TomorrowIwillstraightenoutandcareforyou.Andwhatsortofmindisthis,thatprojectslifeuponothers?Thatgraspsasituationfromapositioninwhichtocontrol?Shesaid:“Don’tyouunderstand?Toyou,nothingexistsexceptinyourownthoughts.Trytobelievethatweexistwhenyouarenotthere,thatweareindependentofyou.”Company,justtwo.IamnotintelligentenoughforwitnessesatP.16

thismoment.PlayKurtWeill,BrechttextwithHelenaWeigalsinging“Oh,LotteLenya”.Companywithoutsense,justinkfillingthepageandsomeonetenderfillingthetimetonight.Iloveyou.Ido.Ilovemyselftooandthisisapart.WhatdoIaskofyou?Andmyself?Thisisapart:anight,asmallpartevenofaday.AndifitisinterestingtomeImustmakeitsoforyou.Notjustsothatyouwilllisten;rathertoportray,yes,toinspire,yes.But,whattypeofthoughtprocessisthisthatmustalwaysbeworking?Thatconstantlyseesimageswheretheydonotexist?Thatalwaysattemptstounderstandandthenarticulateinastructured,clearpattern?Tyingeventstogether,theremustbeaconnection.IwillmakeP.17

thatconnection.Lookatthem.Buythemadrink.Really,Iasknothing,justtowatchyoudrinkwhatIhavebought.Yes,buyyouadrink.IfIhadenoughmoneyIwouldbuyyou;onlyforanight,anhour,evenseventy-threesecondswhereitismytime.Performforme.Speakyourmomentsofuniquenesstomeforonlyseventy-threeseconds.ThatisallthatIask.No,more,fiveminutesofimportance.Whatseparates,possibly,youfromme.LaterIwouldwanttoseeyourmindworkinrelationtomine.You.You.You.You.Idolikeyou.Iwouldn’tharmyou.Idowantyouforamoment,everyoneofyouinsomeway.TheremustbesomewaythatIwouldwantyou.Lookatme.Lookattheseexpressions.Listentome.Tothethoughtsalmostexpressed.P.18

No.Shesaid:“Don’tyouunderstand?Toyou,nothingexistsexceptinyourownthoughts.Wearewhatyouchoosetomakeus.Trytobelievethatweexistwhenyouarenotthere,thatweareindependentofyou,andthatnotoneofusisasyoufancyweare”.Now,IndiaSong,asectionpunctuatedbyIndiaSong.Thistextissecondary,song.Sometimesitwillrelatetoagesture,amovement.Othertimesitwillrunseparately.IndiaSongwillalwayspunctuate.RhythmsestablishedbythewordsIndiaSong.Yousitfourtablesaway.Ifaceyou.IndiaSong.Comeandjoinme,orIyou,butyourfriendsmustnotremain.India,slowincenseprovidesmovementwhencharactersdonot.Mirrors,song,reflect,andthetextarrivesthroughthisreflection.Youareblond,attractiveandyoung.YoureyesskirtmineP.19

whileIwriteasong,India.Itishopeless,nothingwilloccur.Ileavetomorrow.IndiaSong.Wearestrangers,youarewithfriends,IdonotknowwhatIwant.Whatfearisthis?Isuggestasong.Thepianoplays.IndiaSong.Youarebeautiful.YouglancewhenIamnotlooking.YoudartyoureyeswhenIlook.Comehere.Asong,songshortatthebeginningandthenwhatwilloccur?Areyouwilling?IndiaSong.Brownsweater,bobbedBettyBoopsmilingbeautifulfaceyouseemewantingyou.Song.You,obsession,playfulbutobsessiveandwhenyouleavesongend?IndiaSong.Cigarettereplacesincense,mythoughtsrisenotforappearancesake.Idonotwork,song,foryoureyes,India.Nowendandshift.DoIsendanotetoyouinParis?P.20

Sheleaves.IndiaSong.ItisthatIgettoastatewhereIcannotevenrelatetowhatIneedmost,andwhatfearisthis?ThatpreventsmefromsteppingoutsidethelimitationstowhichIhavebecomeaccustomed?Thatpreventsmefromlisteningtoher?Thatmakesmeimpatient,encouraginginarticulatethought.Interpretationisrelatedtomotive.Itissubjecttothesamesetofrules.Thatis,bothmotiveandinterpretationaredependentupontherelationoftheeventorthoughtbeingquestionedtoanothersetofreferences.P.21

L’AtelierdupeintreCourbetplacedBeaudelaireinthelowerrightcorner.Hesitswithhisheadtilteddownward.Heisreading,andIamwonderingwhathewillwrite.Whatwillhewrite,apoem?No.Acritiqueofthepainting?No.AlettertoCourbet,asCourbetistoobusytodisturb.Forexample,“MyDearCorbet,thesedogs,thatdagger,allthesepeoplehangingaboutinsomeinarticulateorgyandyouP.22

atthecanvaspaintingalandscape.BynowthatpoorpersonspeakingcannotevenseetheviewinthebackgroundduetoyearsofaccumulatedvarnishandthepoorlightingfurnishedbytheFrenchGovernment.Apity,beingreducedto,apity,writingyouanote,sittinginacornerasifIhavenothingbetteronmymindthanthesamedog,thesameBaudelaire,thesamewomanwhoseheadforevertiltsonanupleftdiagonal,exposingtheundersideofherchin,aplumpchin,andyoupaintingyourselfpainting.Onetiltedtrapezoidthatreferstoanothertiltedtrapezoid.Mindyou,Ilikethis.Itisabout1855,Iamnotsure,andthisisgoodfor1855.Iamnotsure.NextyearyouwillpaintLesCribleusesdeBle.Theplanesbouncingoffoneanother.Thedresser,thebowlheldbyawomaninastraightforwardsupplication.ShewillbesiftingP.23

goldCourbet,agoodpainting.Thosebowls.Thosebowlsandpansandplatestiltedandscaledandthatwall.Theywillmakeaposterandcards,yes,Courbet.Thewall.Iamlosingmymind,goodpainting.ButL’Hommeblesse,please,athrowaway.Onequestion.WhyisLaJeuneFilleAuxMouettesnotintheshow?Iknowyouhadnothingtosayaboutit.Yes,youhavenotyetpaintedit,butthemanwhoisspeaking,hewantsthatpainting.Iseeeverything,Courbet.IseethispaintingthatIoccupyaspacewithin.Iseethisshowthatthepaintingexistswithin.Iseeeveryonepassingby.Iseeallyourworkthatyouhaveandwillproduce,andIknow,Courbet.”P.24

Yes,buyyouadrink.IfIhadenoughmoneyIwouldbuyyou,foranight,foranhour,forseventy-threesecondswhereitismytime.

Interpretationiscomparabletomotive.Theyaresubjecttothesamesetofrules.Thatis,theyarebothdependentupontherelationoftheeventorthoughtbeingquestionedtoanothersetofreferences.P.25

YouandIhavedifferentrecollectionsofthesameevents.Ifthesedonotvary,thenourinterpretationsdo.Iftheydonotvary,thenIamsurewewillfindanotheraspectofthesituationtodisagreeupon.AtonepointItriedtorecordItisnotthatatthispointIamyouractions,butyougoingtoabandonallhopeofimmediatelyfoundthereason,butratherthatatthismachineandalmostpointitisnotthetimefordestroyedit.reasoning.OnanotheroccasionIwasIamfilledwithanger.Iamopeningthedoor.IfilledwithfrustrationandIamrememberitexactly.Thetired.Noneofthesefeelingskeyslidintothecylinder.arefocuseduponanyspecificItwistedmyhandtotheelement.Isimplymustrageleft,openedthedoorandaboutignorantlyinassmallaP.26

Yousaidoh,oh,oh,oh,ohspaceaspossible.oh,oh,Iwantdaddytoholdme.Iwantdaddytoholdme.Iwantdaddytoholdmeandyoucontinuedforfiveminutes,yellingthisatmefornoapparentreason.Iamnotgraceful.Iam coveredwithalayerofwet sandthatmustbeshaken loose.Myneckistooshort andtootight.Myearsare clogged.Mytorsoacheswith astiffness.Myeyesburnwith inexpressiblethoughts,and impotentanger.Thenyoucontinued,sayingIammorethanfrustrated,P.27

“Yourlifewillamounttonothing.Morethanfatigued.ImustexplodeYouareabigshit”.Thenyouwentintoirretrievablepieces.Firstmyvomitingtothetoilet,leaningoverhead,thenmystomachmustbethebowl,callingforhelp.Iaskedscatteredsothatnotatracemay“HowcanIhelpyou”?Yousaid,befound.ThenImustreturnfrom“Helpme?Helpme?Helpme?ThesedeadfeelingstofacetheYoudon’tknowhowtohelpme?”samequestions,thesamedesires thatcanneverbesatisfiedtothe extentthatIwish.Yourthoughtsfollowedno Idesirethevisionofamostreasonablepattern.Youwerepassionateandperfectorder.screamingwords,orsentencesForthistobeachieved,allrepeatedly,thenjumpingintomattermustbesubservientto,otherwords,orsentences.Iandcontrollablebyman.Thewentintoaroom,lockedtheland,thesea,allotherlivingdoorandwrotethewordsyouspeciesmustbeatourhadspoken.Ithenreadthedisposal,andwewillnothaveP.28

transcripttoyou,butitmadetoactperfectly.Thesupplynottheslightestimpression.ofallmatterwillbe inexhaustible.Anyoneof ourmosttrivialthoughts, wishesandgestureswould understood,fulfilled.Three billionCaligulasexistingin perfectharmony,withoutpain withoutconsequence.Youractionswhendrunk Inexplicablechaosandcouldbedividedintotwo randomness,unreasonablecategories.Youeitherstayedhatredandconflict;thehome,orwentout.SometimessimultaneityandabundanceIwouldputupwithyouforfiveofevents,thoughts,dreamshoursathome,andthen,afterandsensationsthatoccur.afterIwenttobed,youwouldP.29

goout.OthertimesIwouldarrivehomeandyouwouldalreadybeout.Youwerequiteaproblem.Youwerequiteaproblem.“HowWhatobsessiveneedtowasIquiteaproblem?Whydidunderstandandtoexplainyouwanttosaveme?Howdidhasmoldedmythoughtyouwanttosavemeandwhatprocessandperception?didyouwishtosavemefrom?”Whatistobedonewitha sequenceofeventsthat doesnotadheretoa thoughtful,structured, pattern?ThefirstfeelingsofresponsibilityIamachild,andthefinitewererelatedtobeingcaught doesnotexist.Iamabetweenmyparents,ofstepping childandnothingoutsideP.30

intotheirroomduringafightand ofmyselfexists.Peopleandattemptingtobreakitup. donotdie,theydisappear.duringtheseoccasions,IwishedIawaketolearnthatbothofthemwouldvanish, someonehasleft;asmybuttheydidnot. frustrationsmustleave, astheremustbeanswers myquestions.Simply,Iwaslockedinthesame Alwaysthequestion:houseasthem.EitherIcould “Whatisoccurring”?listentothemargueallnight,or Or,“WhathashappenedIcouldtrytostopthem,andthis andwhatismyrelationtoseemedapreferablealternative it”?tohelplessness.Iamwalkingdownastreet.Anairconditionerfallsfromawindow;downitfalls,crashingatmyfeet.WhatthehellisP.31

this?Whoisthisjunkiethreateningmewithaknife?Whosefuckingautomobileisoutofcontrolandheadinginmydirection?Idonotwantanyofit,goaway,doyouhear?Iwantorder.Iwantorderandclarityandreason.Reasons,justificationsandadirectionthatwillminimizesuchoccurrences.OnenightIwasasleep.Mymother Iwantperfection;totalenteredtheroomandwastalking control,stimulationandincessantlytome.Icouldn’t satisfaction.Passion,understandaword.Towardsthe chance,reason,conflict;endshepouredabottleofperfume allthatexists,butwithinauponmybed.Thesmellremained manageablerhythm.Iallnight,andIcouldnotsleep. wantonlytosuffertheThismarkedtheendofmy consequencesofmypassivity. actions,notthecrueltyP.32

ofothers;notthetragedy ofchance,butthe unexpectedjoyofarandomoccurrence. Iwant.Iwant.Iwant.Latechildhoodturnedinto Inexplicablechaosandadolescence.Thesituation randomness;sickhatredremainedthesame,butbythis andconflict.ThetimeIwasphysicallymore simultaneityandpowerful.Ihadtorepressmy abundanceofevents,extremeanger,whichwas thoughts,dreamsandsomethingnewtoreconcile.It sensationsthatoccur.wasatthistimethatmyfatherthoughttwicebeforehittingme.WhenIfelttheurgetohityou,I IamachildandthefiniteP.33

wouldhavetolockmyselfina doesnotexist.Iamaroomsothatyoucouldnotgetin. childandnothingOncelocked,Iwouldpunchthe outsideofmyselfexists.walls.Youroamedthehouse Peopledonotdie,theyscreaming.Finally,youattacked disappear.Iawaketofinddoorwithaknife. someonehasgone;asmy frustrationsmustleave,as theremustbeanswersto myquestions.OccasionallyIwouldbedrivento Whatistobedonewithaslappingyou,andIhatedthis.It sequenceofeventsthatwouldhavebeentooeasytohurt doesnotadheretoayouandIdidnotwanttohurtyou, thoughtful,structuredbutjusttohaveyoustop,toleave pattern?Thatexistsmealone. beyondmypowerto grasp,tocontrol,andyetP.34

demands,noforcesitself intomypresence?What obsessiveneedto understandandto explainhasmoldedmy perception?Chokingyoubecameasolution. Iamnotachild,andtheAtfirstIonlygrabbedyoubythefiniteexistssimultaneouslythroat,butthelengthoftime withtheinfinite.Peoplequicklyincreasedwitheach die,andIawaketolearnoccasion.Itbegantoseemasif oftheirdeath.IawaketoIwastestingyourlevelof learnthatmyfrustrationsendurance. willnotleave,andthatmy questionsareimproperly phrasedandpointedin thewrongdirection.P.35

Onetimeyoucollapsed.Youstartedwrithingonthefloorandaslightfoamcametoyourlips.Iwasextremelyfrightenedofhavingcommittedanirretrievableact.IhadcometolookuponyouasaJekyllandHyde,andIwanteddesperatelytokillHyde.IwasfacedwiththedilemmaofkillingHydewithoutkillingJekyll,andIcouldnotkillonewithoutgettingridoftheother.Afterthisincident,Ididnot Whatistobedonewithastrikeorchokeortouchyou sequenceofeventsthatdoesaggressively.Whenyou notadheretoathoughtful,attacked,Igrabbedyour structuredpattern?Thatarmsandattemptedto existsbeyondmypowertoreasonwithyou.Thiswas grasp,tocontrol,andyetnoteffective.Youcould demands,no,forcesitselfchangefromwordsoflove intomypresence?P.36

andremorsetoonesofhateandabuse,andbackandforthuntilsleep.Whatkindofmindisthis,thatneedstodefine?Thatforevercalculatesdistanceandthepassageoftime?Thatplacesmovementsintorhythmswithinspace?Thatconstantlyattemptstoformpatterns,toseerelationshipsamongobjectsinordertounderstandtheirdifferences,theirsimilarities,especiallywhenthereisnothingtounderstand,nowaytorelatetwoentities?Contradiction.Imustunderstandcontradiction.Everypossiblereasonforaparticularevent,gesture,word.WhatfearisthisthatpreventsmefromsteppingoutsidethelimitationstowhichIhavebecomeaccustomed?Thatpreventsmefromlisteningtohim?Thatmakesmeimpatient,

P.37encouraginginarticulatethought?Shesaid:“Mydarling,becareful.Don’tyouunderstand?Toyou,nothingexistsexceptinyourownthoughts.Wearewhatyouchoosetomakeus.Trytobelievethatweexistwhenyouarenotthere,thatweareindependentofyou,andthatnotoneofusisasyoufancyweare.”*The“Mydarling…”refrainwasadaptedfromvarioussentencesonP.229ofGrahamGreene’sTheComedians.PenguinBooks,Softcover,1976P.38