8/14/2019 My Ligeia

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My Ligeia

Perhaps it’s odd that a little-known character in a Gothic short storyshould change someone’s life, but when I was fifteen, my encounter withEdgar Allan Poe’s Ligeia marked a new chapter in my life.

“She came and departed as a shadow. I was never made aware of her entrance into my closed study save by the dear music of her low sweet voice, as she placed her marble hand upon my shoulder. In beauty of face nomaiden ever equalled her. It was the radiance of an opium-dream….”

As I read on, I enjoyed Poe’s romantic descriptions of the lady’sethereal beauty; she was indeed unreal. But what I marveled at were herqualities that I also recognized in myself. Quietness, scholastic inclination,general unusualness—these were what the narrator so extolled in her, andthese were traits I had been trying to hide in myself. When it came to “being

yourself” among friends, I often found it easy to trade the books and pianomusic I loved and had grown up with for more standard tastes inentertainment. But here was a new ideal that showed me that thesedifferent qualities of mine should be embraced instead of hidden. I wascaptivated—I decided to become Ligeia.

In the days that followed, I was very pleased with myself. Inspired byLigeia’s acute uniqueness, I started wearing my hair in its natural curlsrather than straightening it as I had done before. Ligeia also possessed aquality that I did not—grace and fluidity of motion. When I was younger andused to unload the dishwasher in a characteristically loud and

unceremonious fashion, my dad used to tease me and ask why all the otherGolitzin women were so graceful. I had never been too comfortable in mytall body; by age thirteen I was five feet, nine inches tall and eventuallyreached six feet. But Ligeia gave me an incentive to cultivate whatevergrace I did have. I took up ballet and immediately fell in love with it,discovering new abilities to leap, spin and balance with elegance andstrength.

My changes were not merely outward, however. Ligeia’s eruditioninspired me to try harder than I had been in school—I was no longer afraid toshine. I reimmersed myself in the beloved stories of my childhood like Lord

of the Rings and the Chronicles of Narnia, and found new treasure in thelikes of the Brontë sisters and Charles Dickens. I even took new interest inthe piano music I had grown up with, training my fingers to perfect Rameau’sbaroque trills, reveling in Beethoven’s splendid sonatas.

However, a funny thing happened as time went on. I began shapingmy own natural thoughts and actions around those I imagined the lady wouldmake, even denying them as I continually, subconsciously asked myself,

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“What would Ligeia do in this situation?” My preoccupation with my self-image made it hard to relax and spend a moment laughing with my friends.Since I thought that I could only be happy if I followed her example, Iwithdrew further into myself, talking less and to fewer people. What hadstarted as a bit of a game was now far too serious. It was time to leave

Ligeia for myself.

I believe that what finally convinced me to let go of the lady’s influencewas the summer that followed that school year, when I traveled to Italy forthree weeks—but that’s a different story. Because Ligeia provoked such along fixation with my self-image, I learned from her not to worry about whatothers think, to branch out from any one ideal and to try new things withcourage. Since then, I have learned to rock climb in the Sierras and havesung Monteverdi madrigals with the university chamber choir. I use my freetime for things that interest me, like studying Italian and French, and writingshort stories. I continue to dance, enjoy my books and piano, and work to

my utmost ability in school, and I live each day to the fullest. No one can saythey have finished growing as a person, nor would I like to—but now, withLigeia’s help, I know who I am.