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Myannoying,long,tiringquestfortruth,justice,goodandallthatcheesysupermancomicstuff.

IneverthoughtIwasmeantforsomethingspecial.ImeanIhonestlythoughtthatinmyfutureIwoulddosomethingminimalpayandeasy,likedriveagarbagetruckorsomething.Butohno,destinywouldntletmehaveasimplelife,destinyhadotherplans.Imeanreally,Imanormal17yearold;brushmyteethatseven,sleepthroughLatintutoringatsix,goclubbingatnineandfinallycollapseontothebeer-stainedruginmyroomat3am.ItallstartedthedayIlostmyshirt.Ithadbeenacrazynightandwecouldbarelyrememberanything,butwhenIwokeup,myoneshirt(washingyourclothesis,um,againstmyculture,orsomething)wasgone.Ilookedundermybed,checkedifitwasontheTV,andthenIgotboredandputmyfriendstoit.Theyhadntfoundit,andIwasworriedevenmorebecauselessonswithmyleastfavouriteteacherwereonsoon.Thedetention-giving,bald,fat,stupid,downright,eyeburningpieceoftrashtoeverwalkthefaceoftheearth:MrDamask.KeithDamask.Hewasprobablytheoxforddictionarymeaningofthewordtorture.HeoncegavemedetentionforspellingllamawithoneL.Whointheirrightmindwouldgiveashit?IhadtorighttheletterL500times,justforthat.(AmItheonlyonethatthinkshesalittlebitcrazy?)Hewouldloveanexcusetogivemedetentionfor3hours,soIdecided,forthesakeoffoilingMrDamasksfun;Iwouldntgivehimthesatisfaction.

Isearchedhighandlow,lookedunderthefridgeandeventuallyreachedtheconc

lusionthatitwasntinmyapartment.Crap.Me,Nicoandmousedecidedtosearchoutside.Theonlyproblemwas:westillhadahammeringhangoverheadache,Iwasstillpartlydrunk(howdrunk,youask?Drunkenoughtowalkintoawall),itwas5am,freezing,rainingandthereweregirlsoutside.Oh,andIdidnthaveashirt.Good-byereputation.Icameupwithabeer-fuelledidea.Ijumpedoutmywindow.Threestoriesofftheground.Now,justtoclarify,Imreallygoodatparkour,(itslikerunningandjumpingoffbuildings)whenImsober.Imnotwhatpeoplewouldcallsober.Ilandedbelly-floppingintothegrassjustmissingthepavementbytwocentimetres.Myarmdidnt.Owy.Igotup,pukedandscamperedoff.ToobadIwasdrunkandgoingthewrongway.AsIstumbledalongwithpukesoakedtrousers,IbumpedintomychildhoodcrushVivianFox.IhopedshewouldntaskwhyIwasshirtless.Shedid.Ofcourse.AllIcouldsaywashowdybeforeIranoff.Shirtless.Iknow,reallysmooth.

Ilookedatmywatch,itwassixalready.IhadtogotoLatin.Shirtless.Goddamnit.Iranuptheschoolsteps,ignoringthegiggles,stares,winkingandpeanutsbeingthrownatme.Shirtless.Igotintomyclassexpectingtheworst.AndIgotit.Cominginlateis2hoursdetention;cominginlateandshirtlesswas,well,alongtime.Helookeddownatmethroughhisridiculouslyhighlyperchedglassesandsmirked.Iwasdragged,kickingandscreamingnoooooo!intoMrDamasksoffice.Shirtless.Ok,so,whattheyhadagainstmewas:ViviancomplainedthatIwasdrunk,shirtless,andcrazyandofcourseIwaslate.WhatIhadagainstthemwas,well,Igotcarpetburnfrombeingdraggedaway.Ineedareallyfreakinggoodlawyer.YoungmanyouareinextremelybigtroublegrinnedMrDamask.Iknow,IknowIsaid.Notetoself:NottherightthingtosaytoMrDamask.Shirtless.OfcourseIendedupcleaningthedirt,graffiti,birdcrapandrocksoff

MrDamasksroof.Igotoutmyspongeandstartedscrubbingaway(eventhoughinthestatethespongewasinitwasprobablydoingmoreharmthengood).Theskieswereclearlikeanundisturbedhavenoflife(Yeah,Ishouldprobablystarttakinguppoetry.)ofcoursethepeacedidntlast.

Hellofalconsaidmouse.Waitmouse?Umwhyareyouontheroof?IfeltlikereadingabookOkumreadingabookontheroof?AndwhotheheckisfalconThetimehascomemyfriend.Hegrinnedwickedly

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Thenithitmewiththeforceofasemi.Mousedoesnthaveredeyes.Thatswhenmouseturnedintoaweird,deformedcreature.Ithadtheheadofawolf,theneckofasnake,andwingsofabat,vulturetalonsandthebodyofawerewolf.He,Imeanit,toweredoverme.Theworstpartwas:itwasshirtless(andhadrippedtrousersinallthewrongplaces,ifyouknowwhatImean).Itsprangupandsliceddownwards.ScreamingIrandowntheroof.Itleaptandlanedinfrontofme.IstareditdownbeforescreamingcrazilyItackeditofftheroofandontothefireexit.ThenIdidwhatImgoodat(whenImnotdrunk).Parkour.Ifyouveplayedassassinscreeditskindflikefreerun.Exceptcooler.Iletmyselfrip.Ijumpedfromthefireescapeontotheadjacentbuilding,climbedtothetop,ran,jumpedandswungonthecranehookandlandedonsomeretirementhomeroof.ThenIsawhim.Somehowhemanagedtogetaheadofmeagain.Turnsouthealsohasascorpionstail.Ineverknewthat.ThenitstartedtodroolsoIdidthelogicalthing.GivingitthemiddlefingerItoppledovertheside.myplanwastocatchthepipeacouplefeetdownbutImissedandsmashedintotheroad.Shirtless.Therewasacrackingsoundandthethingcruncheddownnexttome.Itsmiledawolfishgrin.Thatssomesharpteethyougottheregrandma,Isaidrollingawayfromhim.Thenatthatprecisemomentapickuptruckcamealong.IwishIcouldsaythatIskilfullyandsmoothlymanagedtogorightbetweenthewheelslikeinthemovies.WellinsteadIgothitathighspeedsbya2-tontruck.

Iwokeupinhospitalafewdayslater.

IhadonehellofaheadacheandIwasprettymuchdressedasamummy.GroaningIslumpedupbeforecollapsingdownontomybedagain.Thenthedoorknockedandanursecamein.Shesmiledweaklytryingtocoverherhorror.DrewTayloryouhaveavisitor?shesaid.IcouldofscreamedagainatthatmomentwhenIsawmousewalkintotheroom.ofmybed.HejustrealisedthatIdonthaveamnesia.Hedroppedthedisguiseandreareduptoattackme.OfcourseIjumpedoutthewindow.Again.Butthistimeitwasfivestories.Thatmustbethemorpheme.IncaseIdidntsaythisenoughearlier,crap.

AsIfell,screaming,thinkingofallthefartsIneverfarted,Ifeltaburningimpact.Sameweirdoinshades.Flyingagiantwhitewolfwithwings.Imuststi

llbeondrugs.Maybenot,coshejustslappedme.Ididntslaphimbackbecauseofcourse,wewereonthebackofaflyingpolarwolf(laterIfoundoutthatthewolfwascalledbox.Ineverknewthat)

Helandedanhourlater,nothavingsaidaword,inasmallclearingwithavillagenearby.Um.Donttakethisthewrongwaybut,dontkillmepleaseIwhimperedchuckled.GivemeallyourmoneyorIllkillyou.

Justkiddinghesaid.Areyousure?ifyoukeepaskingme,maybenothesaidirritably.Igulped.Whoareyou?Isaid.

Jazzisthenamehesaidcoolly,hisshadesreflectingthesunepically.Okwhatmovieisthatfrom?Iaskedsceptically.Hegrowledlikeabear,andIhavetoadmitapeedmyselfalittle.Comewithmehesaid.Ifollowedcautiously.Hewalkedthroughtheforestskilfully.Ifollowedtrippingovereverysingleclumpofdirtintheprocess.Ilookedup,andcaughtaglimpseofastrangestripedelephantofsomekindwithatreehouseonitsback.Ilookedbackanditwasgone.Whereisthisplace?Iaskedinwonder.ThisisAlesius,thelargestforestintheBermudatriangle.Hesaidslowlyandmagically.

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WaitBermudatriangle,likedisappearingvehicleBermudatriangle,orcoachlightstreetsanAntonioBermudatriangleIsaid.Whatdoyouthinkhesaidinasarcasticmonotone.SanAntonioinaskedhopefully.Hesighed.Myfearswererealised.IwasintheBermudatriangle,withashadeswearingmaniacandawhitewolfwithwings,andIwasntevenwearingmystylishChristmaspresentclothes.Crap.X2.Iwalkedalongandnoticedstrangefloraandfauna.(Thisisforyouidiotsoutthere,itmeansplantsandanimals).TherewasaGreatDanesizedrabbitwithwolflegsandaturtleshell.Iencounteredapinktreewithastrangekindoffruitonit.Isayitswiredcosabirdlandedonabranchofitandgotswallowedwholebeforeacoupleofbonessuddenlypoppedoutoftheground.Therewasevenapurple,12leggedrhinowithwingsandatailonitshorn.Holy_____(insertswearwordofchoicehere).Itookaphotoofeverythingwithmyphone.Thejunglegotdenseranddenseraswewentthrough.Eventuallymyphoneranoutofbatteries.NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!Iscreamedatthetopofmyvoicesoloudlythatitscaredawayalionthathadbeenstalkingus.Maybe,maybeIcouldfindachargerIsaidfrantically.Jazzgrabbedmyphoneandateit.ATEIT!Whatthehell!Iyelledathim,sprayingspitinhisface.Istartedsprayingatsunamiofswearsinhisface.Jazzpulledoutagunandshotmeintheneck.Ifelltothegroundstrugglingtobreathe.Redoozedfromwherethegunhadhit.Myvisionstartedfailing.Hesmiledandloadedhispaintballgunagainandpointeditinmyface.

Nexttimeyouspitatme,itwillbearealgunhesaidmenacingly.Notetoself,donotangerthegun-wielding,giant,muscled,shadeswearingguywholookslikehecouldbreachtheWhitehousebyhimself.Man,Ilovesarcasm.Youatemyphoneyoustupidterminator!Iscreamed.Donotraiseyourvoiceatme,orIwillkillyou,andthenuseyourintestineasaskippingrope.Hesaidcalmlyandslowly.Helpme.Please.Itrudgedalongtheforrestpathsulking.Heatemyphone!Iwasgoingtogethimforthat,Iwasgoingtogethimgood.someday.Whenheisntcarryinggunsand15,000poundsofmuscleineacharm.IHopehismuscledisappearssomeday.Allofasuddenhegrabbedmeandthrewmedownahill.Branchesandleavesdugat

mybody.Alittlerockstabbedmytoe.Owy.Ilandedonthegroundinapoolofbird,well,leavingsshallwesay.Jazzdroppeddowncarefullyandkickedmetogetmeup,IjustgroanedOwyoverandover.Ilookedupandsawahugefatgreasybaldman,possiblyLatina.Heofferedhishand,andIpeedmyself.Ireallyneedtostarttocontrolmyleavingsystem.Hegrabbedmyshouldersandpulledmeup.Sorryaboutjazz,heisntexactlysubtlehesaidapologeticallyHEATEMYPHOOOONE!Icried(literallycried)ThenIheardmypokerfaceringtonefromjazzstomach.Imcomingbaby!Icriedbeforedivingintosupermansstomach.Owy.Dude,youneedanewringtonesaidthefatkindguy.Icriedmyeyeballsout.

Teenagersmutteredapersonbehindmebeforehewalkedintoahut.ThenIlookedupandsaidwhoareyou?tothebaldLatinofatguy.Supdude.Thenamestitanhesaid.EpicnameIsaid,IfeelsaferknowingyoureinchargeImnot.Jazzishesaid.Doyouevergetthefeelinglikevertigotothepowerofholyshit?

Ilaidmybelongingsonmybed.A.K.A.Isatonmybed.Andcried.IknowitsagainstteenagemachomanrulestoopenlystatethatIcriedbutbeho

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nestwithyourself,wouldyoudoanythingdifferent?Agirlcamein.Isniffledthenflexedmymuscles,butwasntasimpressiveasitusuallyis,mainlybecauseIhadthefreakingNiagarafallsrunningfrommyeyes.Shelaughed.Icriedmore.Sherolledhereyesandleft.Icriedevenmore.Ireallythinkmyeyeshavedrownednow.Ipulledmyselftogetheranddecidedtotakeastrolloutside.

Allofasuddentherewasabigbangandabitofshrapnelhitamonkeytomyleft.Iturnedandduckedinzigzagsandslippedonsomemud.Smooth.Ilookedupandsawsomepeopleinragsandarmour.Andaguycamealongwithsomejewel-encrusteddeserteaglesandashotgunandshotthegirlfrombefore.Shefellonme.Ifshewasntdeadandbleedingitwouldbekindacool.Notetoself:Ineedanewt-shirt.Ipickedupastickandrandomlythrewit.Itknockedouttitan.Whoops.Jazzcameinallgunsblazing,literally,coshehadaflamethrower.Ipickedupagunandshot4times.Theyallmissedapartfromone,whichhitmyfoot.Owy.Ifelloverandclutchedmyfoot.Aswordsandsandalslook-alikemanjumpedonme.Nottherightthingtodowhenthepersonyoujumpedonhasawoundedfoot.Ifellbackwardsandcrushedhimwithmyglutimasmaximus.(Itsfancyforbutt).Igotoffwhatwasleftofhisfaceandspatonit.Thentwomorepeoplejumpedonme.Thenjewelencrustedgunguycameuptome.Getofffalconguys!hesaid.Theygotoffmereluctantly.

Comeonwehavetohurry.Hesaid,offeringmehishand.OfcoursethatswhenIpunchedhim.ExcusemebeingdistrustfulofpeoplecallingmefalconbutIdidntexactlyhaveniceexperienceswithpeoplewhocalledmethat.HefellbackwardsandItooktheopportunitytorunlikehell.Thatswhenheyelledtraitor!andpointedthemiddlefingeratme.Jazzsawhimandshotathimbutherolledoffandcalledoffhisgoons.Daemon!heyelledatjazzbeforedisappearingfromsight.

Thewoodenbenchhurtmybutt.AndIthinkIhadacentipedeupmyshorts.EvenBartSimpsonwouldnteatthem.Asthenursehelpedeveryoneelsebutme(Iwasntexactlyawarhero,Imean,Iknockedouttitan).Icouldnthelpaskingjazzifheknewwhatthemanwastalkingaboutwhenheshouteddemon.Alljazzdidwasfurrowhisbushyeyebrows.Lookrunts,whenyourehereyoudontaskquestions.Hewalke

offinahuff.Now,forsomestupidreasonIdecidedtofollowjazz.Iknow.Followingamaddudeinshadesinthemiddleofthenight.Ofcoursenothingwasgoingtohappen.Yearright.Iamsoooos.m.e.r.t.IshuffledalongtheunderbushbeforeIsuddenlyheardametallicscrapingvoicesaykillhimtonight,jazz.Who?Falcon?Jazzsaidslowly.That

swhen,I,jackwhitestupidlyburstintotheconversationandmadlypointedatjazz.Nooneevercallsmefalcon!Ohand...Dontkillme?Jazzspunrounddon

tworrynoonesevergoingtocallyoufalconagain...hesaidsmoothlywhilepointinghisshotgunatme.IGulped.Thenoutofsomewhere,thedudewiththejewelsfrombeforepulledoutagunandshotjazz.Throughtheheart.Jazzexplodedinamassofblood,gutsandevent

heoccasionalbone.AsIturnedtothankhim,jazzgotbackupandwithasnarl,hesproutedclawsthatglimmeredlikeiceandstabbedoneoftheattackingmen.Thedudefiredagainbutthistimejazzwasready.Hedodgedandputthedudeinasleeperhold.Thedudeflailedonthegroundbutwaslosingair.Fast.Ihadtodosomething.QuicklyIgotupandrammedmyfistintohisstomah.whichofcausewasashardassteel.AsIblanchedandfellbackwards,thedudesmashedjazzsjawandamightycracksoundemitted.Jazzstumbledbackwardsandthedude(inaspeedthatIthoughtwasincrediblyslow)pickeduphisgunandshotjazzsheadopen.Therewasastonysilenceasweallstaredinwonder.Butitwasn

tovertyet.Jazz(orwhatwasl

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eftofhim)pulledhimselfupandspat.Onlyitwasacidspit.Itflewpastmeandhitthedudeinthechest.IcouldseetheacidworkingawayathismysisterisaMartianshirt.(bythewayitsagreatshirt.)Thedude,beforehepassedoutstillmanagedtoshootjazzonemoretimethroughtheleg.

Thatwasthefinalstraw.Jazzchokedtwicethendied.IdidntwanttotakeanychancessoIpickedupacrateandbasheditonhishead.Nooneobjected.Disgusted,Ispatontheground.Ivebeenlivingwithadaemonthewholetime?Icried.Thedudetwitchedonfloor.SincenoonewasdoinganythingItookcharge.YoutwohelpmepickhimupIsaidpointingatthedude.

Heopenedoneeye.SupIsaid.ThedudegotupwhereamI?Youreasleepinyourbedwithteddy-weddyIsaidsarcastically.Hegotupandslappedmehard.Owy.HegotoffthehammockIdmadeoutofflax,sticks,mudandcowpatty.Andlaterhewonderedwhyhesmeltbad.Hewalkedovertojazzmeltingcorpseandpickedupthesunglasses.Theseareminenowhesaidepicallyasheputthemon.ItwassoepicthatIhadabitofanerd-gasm.Likewhenyouseethenewmoviekickassmoviewith2disceditionand3-dglasses.