Writing Task 1 [Demo bản chữa bài bằng hình]

Đề: The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time

work did after leaving college in 2008.

Introduction:

Your introduction is fine, but cannot properly paraphrase the statement of the task. You still mostly use words and phrases given in the statement to write your introduction.

Suggestion: the given charts demonstrate the kinds of jobs opted/engaged in/involved in by UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not hold a full-time job after completing their degrees in 2008.

Overall part:

1. your overall sentences should not be combined with the body paragraphs. But it’s fine to write overall sentences right after the paraphrasing sentence. I advise you to write the overall part separate from body paragraphs for more logical structure.

2. Grammar error: the amount of students.

the amount of + uncountable noun the number of + countable noun

Here ‘students’ is countable noun, so you must use ‘the number of’ or ‘the figure for’. Here is the better way to rewrite the whole sentences with more natural sentence structures and expressions.

3. Also, be careful with capital letter at the beginning of the sentence. With hand writing, ‘overall’ is easily confused with ‘Overall’ as in your sentence. This will be considered a capitalization mistake in English.

Suggestion: Overall, there was a similar trend in both charts, which most students prefer to adopt further study while only few students decide to do voluntary works after graduation.

Body paragraph:

1st sentence: ‘the UK witnessed a major amount of students who was graduated and postgraduated had a further study which were 29,665 and 2,725 students respectively’. (orange = subject; blue = verbs)

grammar error: UK. Notice that ‘the UK’ is the abbreviation of ‘the United Kingdom’, not ‘UK’. the UK witnessed

grammar error: fragment. Fragment is not a sentence as it includes many nouns and verbs that are not appropriately linked to each other, or it only contains a noun or a verb. Your sentence has two main verbs, witnessed and had, and they are not connected appropriately by a linker.

Grammar error: ‘which’ may modify or give more information about the preceding noun. In your sentence, ‘study’ is the noun standing in front of ‘which’, so ‘which’ may wrongly modify this noun.

Suggestion: the UK witnessed the highest number of graduate and postgraduate students who attended supplementary studies after obtaining their degree, at about 29,700 and 2,700 students respectively in 2008.

2nd sentence: ‘Part-time work took the second place which had 17,735 graduate students and 2,535 postgraduate students doing it.’

Expression error: same mistake as above. ‘which’ is used to link 2 simple sentences, ‘part-time work took the second place’ and ‘this place had X and Y students’. You can see that the place cannot had students.

Suggestion: part-time job was considered the second priority/option for UK’s students, with X and Y having this type of job.

Suggestion for rewriting and linking 2 first sentences: Attending supplementary studies and working part-time are the most desired options for students after gaining their degrees. The highest number of students chose further education in both segments, at 29,655 graduates and 2,725 postgraduates respectively, followed by those who worked part-time, at about 17,735 graduates and 2,5235 postgraduates.

(In the above paragraph, the 1st sentence has the same function as the topic sentence as it informs examiners of the main trend of the chart and what information they will read in the following sentences. This helps you to improve C&C and GR scores).

3rd sentence: ‘Following by unemployment with 16,235 graduate students and 1,625 postgraduate students’.

Grammar error: fragment. Your sentence doesn’t have a verb. Only a small number of UK graduates and postgraduates were jobless (16,235 and 1,625 correspondingly).

4th sentence: ‘Voluntary work attracted the smallest amount of students from both kind in 2008, which was 3,500 graduate students and 345 posgraduates students took part in that field’. (red = mistake)

Grammar error: the amount of students – same mistake as above Grammar error: both + plural noun both kinds Grammar error: fragment. After ‘which’, there is a clause. You write a dependent clause by

starting with a verb already, was, and then you use another verb, took part. Grammar error: ‘postgraduates students’ is wrongly employed. Before ‘students’ must be an

adjective, not a plural verb.

Suggestion: Voluntary work/unpaid activities attracted the smallest number of UK students in both segments. In particular, there were only 3,500 graduates compared with 345 postgraduates choosing to work as volunteers.

Band score

Criteria Grade Comment Note

Task Achievement7 ɵ addresses partially the

requirements of the taskɵ (Academic) presents an overview

with information but can be more appropriately selected of more key features.

ɵ The introduction can present basic information more adequately

ɵ presents and highlights information well but can be more precisely

ɵ Answer length: 134/150 wordsYour answer length has not satisfied the minimal requirement hence practice is still advised as well as more details need articulating to extend your length.

ɵ It is advisable to be more careful when reading the question as well as the chart provided to present information most accurately.

ɵ See comment boxes of BB1 and BB9 for further reference.

Coherence and Cohesion

6 ɵ logically organizes information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout

ɵ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-use of more academic linking words between paragraphs.

ɵ Differences in various stages (as written in sentences) should be pointed out more explicitly also in the interests of a wider range of cohesive devices/linking words such as “yet/nevertheless/On contrast/By contrast/Regarding/In terms of/In comparison to/…” or “Subsequently/Following that/Consequently/Ultimately/In

the first place/Initially/….”

ɵ Try to use more academic linking words to create better cohesion between sentences and between paragraphs

Lexical Resource 6 ɵ uses a basic mix of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision

ɵ uses less common lexical items with errors.

ɵ may produce a number of errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation but they can be addressed via practice.

ɵ Repetitions are spotted at some points

ɵ Try to use collocations of nouns /verbs by looking the nouns up in dictionary and choose an appropriate adjective/adverb that often goes with the noun/verb.

ɵ It is advisable to use a wider range of academic vocabulary.

ɵ Pay attention to vocabulary use to avoid repetition by using synonyms, which can be referenced via Oxford Thesaurus Dictionary at https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

6 ɵ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms

ɵ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication

ɵ basic errors are spotted, specifically in the use of subjects and predicates.

ɵ The use of active voice and passive voice may be improved and more academic depending on circumstances

ɵ Verb forms should be more compatible with the clauses being stated.

ɵ Attempts more complex structures with accuracies and consistencies

ɵ Be careful with word forms and verb use by checks after the first attempt of writing.

Overall 6.0 ɵ Presents an adequate overall structure of paragraphing yet insufficient length.

ɵ some information may be presented with limited precision but only rarely

ɵ Uses an adequate mix of structures

ɵ Grammar errors are spotted at some points.

ɵ See specific notes for improvement tasks.

Sample answer (rewritten based on your answer):

The given charts demonstrate the kinds of jobs opted by UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not hold a full-time job after completing their degrees in 2008.

Overall, there was a similar trend in both charts, which most students prefer to adopt further study while only few students decide to do voluntary works after graduation.

It is clear that attending supplementary studies and working part-time are the most desired options for students after gaining their degrees. The highest number of students chose further education in both segments, at 29,655 graduates and 2,725 postgraduates respectively, followed by those who worked part-time, at about 17,735 graduates and 2,5235 postgraduates.

In contrast, only a small number of UK graduates and postgraduates were jobless (16,235 and 1,625 correspondingly). Voluntary work/unpaid activities attracted the smallest number of UK students in both segments. In particular, there were only 3,500 graduates compared with 345 postgraduates choosing to work as volunteers.