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’Next to the promulgation of the truth,the best thing I can conceive that aman can do is the public recantationof error.’—Joseph Lister (1827-1912)

Natural magicWe were recently fortunate to share ourcongress hotel with a conference of magi-cians. None of us managed to see a copy oftheir agenda: do manpower, education, andaccreditation matters-let alone mutual

recognition of European qualifications-perplex magicians as much as doctors? :The magicians’ trade exhibition was

revelatory: we were pressed to buy-amongothers-hats from which rabbits mightappear and eggs for retrieving from behindears. A box used to saw people in half andanother through which someone might betransfixed with knives were more adventu-rous attractions. Do magicians follow themedical training imperative: see one, doone, teach one? :Journeying home I reflected on the

similarities of our callings. Successful prac-titioners of both combine an omniscientdemeanour with soothing and distractingpatter to induce in their clients a gentle andrelaxed curtailment of critical thought,leading to credulity and therefrom aestheticor therapeutic satisfaction. Who would

wish to submit either to that ultimate feat of

prestidigitation-the randomised con-

trolled double-blind clinical trial? :

Timothy Chambers Bristol, UK

An Inspector CallsThe Health and Safety Inspector took onelook at our Histology Department andthreatened to close it. I took the latest

guidelines to bed and dozed off in the midstof high-lighting the relevant sections. I

awoke to dazzling sunshine. My com-panion, X, seemed vaguely familiar :Ximenes Nice to meet you again, Pericles.Where’s your Clerk of Works? .

Pericles In Olympia for a ManagementCourse. :

Ximenes Can’t be helped. We will goround together then. Ye Gods!-Thisslope! :

Pericles What about the slope? Ximenes The maximum gradient for disa-

bled access is one in twelve. This marble

pavement must be at least one in five.

Wait, wait, (clutching my arm) hang on aminute. :

Pericles What’s the problem? Ximenes These steps-you will have to

change them: No hand-rail, heights all over the place, treads uneven inwidth... :

Pericles Well, we use the slabs as they arecut. The visual effect is rather pleasingand this Pendelic stuff is difficult to trim

exactly. Ximenes Never mind that. Get ’em

straightened out and I want a double railon either side. I say, I say-those damesover there! :

Pericles What dames? :Ximenes Over there on the left-they

seem to be holding something up. Pericles That’s the Erectheion. They are

caryatids. :

Ximenes Well, I don’t like it. They must: have a statuary rest period one week in

four and you had better lighten the load.

Pericles But they are made of stone-: except number three and she’s polypro-: pylene ... :Ximenes I don’t care if they are made of .

: green cheese. RSI is a growing problem: amongst caryatids around here... Ho Ho: Ho! Steps two feet high! I have already

mentioned stairways. Pericles But this is the Parthenon. :

Caryatids (L M Swinburne)

Ximenes What about all our heroes fromthe Persian adventure with their crutchesand pylons? You will have to fit a ramp.Oh-look out! There’s a chap up there onthe pediment-who could drop his mal-leus or even his incus and stapes on our

,

heads any minute.

Pericles Come off it! Our lads are Greeks.

: You mean his (&sgr;&phgr;&ugr;&rgr;&agr; or his triglyph. :Ximenes Whatever. This should be a

: hard-hat area. Those Phrygian caps are: useless. A Macedoniant helmet with: ear-flaps: that would save a few cracked

.

pates. Now, just remind me what is to go: on in this building. :Pericles Well, this is the main concourse.

A mallet. :

tMacedonia, sometimes called Thrace. Not to be con-fused with modem Thrace, sometimes called Macedonia.

Only a Greek can explain this.

The priestesses will have their sanctuarybehind those columns. The sacrificialaltar will be out there at the East end.

Ximenes What are you going to sacrifice?

Pericles Mainly oxen and lambs. Therewill be the usual barley-cakes with wineand oil...

Ximenes Oh, no. You can’t mix butcheryand confectionery. There will have to bea separate slab for the barley cakes andthere must be no eating and drinkingwhere the cooking goes on. And it musthave loos and hand-washing facilities.

Pericles (doubtfully) There is a well overthere.

Ximenes When was the water lastchecked?

Pericles Well actually people usually dropthings in; coins, small busts, arms andlegs-clay models you know. We don’toften draw water from it.

Ximenes That won’t do. Put a fence roundit and send off a sample straight away.And no more votive offerings of any

: kind. This floor will have to come up. We

: at the Department don’t like mosaic

: floors in religious buildings. There is: antimony in the green bits and the lead: strips are risky for prostrate worshippers

and dancing girls. Now, what is the

: earthquake position?Pericles How do you mean?

Ximenes Where is the emergency exit for

floods, fire and seismic disturbance?

Pericles It doesn’t rain very often. There

: is just one entrance leading straight to the: processional way. There is not much

: choice with a one hundred foot drop over: the other side.

Ximenes It needs a flyover. I can’t giveyou the go ahead until you have sorted

: that out. In fact, I feel you should pull the: whole lot down and start again.Pericles Zeus help us! We have done that

: twice already.There was a crash ...The scene faded as I realised that it was nota thunderbolt but merely the LaboratorySafety Manual falling to the floor. Yellowsquiggles from the high-light pen shonefrom my pillow. I peered at the small printon the label and did a rapid risk-assessment :

: In Italian: Not to be given to children.: In three other languages: Replace cap: after use.

: In red (getting warmer): No Xylene.: In capitals: CAUTION Keep pen cap

out of mouth. It can obstruct breathing if: swallowed.

Reassured, I firmly jammed on the me-nacing cap. Lord Rothschild was rightwhen he said "There is no point in gettinginto a panic about the risks of life until youhave compared risks which worry you withthose that don’t but perhaps should".

Layinka M Swinburne Leeds, UK