www.ijellh.com 368

Never married Malay Muslim women’s perceived advantages and

disadvantages of living single life

Rozita Ibrahim

Senior Lecturer

Centre for Liberal Education (CITRA)

Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM)

&

Jamayah Saili

Senior Lecturer

Faculty of Cognitive Science & Human Development

Universiti Malaysia Sarawak (UNIMAS)

Never-married women’s perceived advantages and disadvantages of living single life: Some

preliminary findings from the Malay Muslim’s experience. Proceedings of 16th Conference

of the Australasian Human Development (AHDA), 6-8 July, Flinders University, South

Australia. (http://www.fcshd.unimas.my/Department-of-Counselling/Academicians/dr-

jamayah-saili.html)

ABSTRACT

Current global trend towards prolonged singleness and non-marriage has brought about

interdisciplinary research into the study of singleness, especially on its implications for

family and marriage as basic social institutions. Though the phenomenon is global, the

experiences of singleness and non-marriage are locally constructed. This paper presents a

qualitative analysis of personal stories of six single never married Malay Muslim women

over the age of 30 years old. The aim of this paper is to highlight the psychosocial cultural

aspects of singlehood from Malaysian Malay Muslim’s perspective. In this paper we seek to

understand single women’s experiences focusing on their perception towards the advantages

and disadvantages of living single life.

Keywords: singlehood, never married women, single life experiences, gender and family

www.ijellh.com 369

1. INTRODUCTION

The experience of singlehood might be similar for contemporary women across the globe

while at the same time vary due to differences in cultural and religious experience.

Darrington, Piercy and Niehuis (2005) stated that singlehood is socially constructed through

one’s personal experiences and interactions within broader culture as well as one’s

membership in social networks. Thus, the aim of this paper is to highlight the psychosocial

cultural aspects of singlehood from Malaysiani Malay Muslim’s perspective. In this paper we

seek to understand single women’s experiences focusing on their perception towards the

advantages and disadvantages of living single life and how it impact on their general well-

being. This is particularly interesting because singlehood, especially amongst women, is a

relatively new phenomenon for the Malays in Malaysia. Traditionally Malay Muslims marry

at young age. Jones (2004) reported that until about three decades ago, the Malay-Muslim

populations of Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore and Southern Thailand were normally married

by the age of 18. However, this trend is changing and there seems to be a general pattern of

marriage delay in these countries. In the case of Malaysian Malay Muslims, the total

percentage of never-married women over the age of 30 was 3.1% in 1960. The percentage

later increased to 23.3% in 2000. The situation is more obvious in Kuala Lumpur, the capital

of Malaysia where the total of never married women was 37.8% in year 2000.

Jones (1981) in his studies on Malay marriage and divorce from 1950’s to late 1970’s

suggested that marriage postponement is a manifestation of social and economic changes

experienced by the Malays. The major determining factor has been the change in educational

policies which have resulted in higher proportions of Malays, especially females completing

high schools and entering institutions of higher learning. Another important factor is the

migration of Malay women to the cities to participate in the job market provided by newly

established factories and industries. These two factors, education and participation in job

market remain relevant in discussing marriage postponement in the recent years. More

importantly is that, both education and participation in job market have ‘opened young

women’s eyes to new understanding of society and their place in it’ (Jones 2004:15).

Therefore, it is our intention to contribute in exploring this ‘new understanding’ of single life

style from the perspectives of single women themselves. What are their perceptions towards

the advantages of being single? What are their experiences of disadvantages in remaining

single in a ‘married society’? Are they happy with their single status despite negative societal

perception towards unmarried women? These are among the questions that we seek to

explore in this paper. We begin this paper by giving an overview on the study of singlehood

www.ijellh.com 370

and later discuss our findings from the interviews with single never-married Malay Muslim

women in Malaysia. We hope that this paper will elucidate the ways in which psychosocial

cultural issues pertaining to single never-married Malay women impact upon women’s well-

being in general.

2. LITERATURE REVIEW

Comprehensive study on singlehood amongst Malaysian women is only beginning to develop

over the past few years. Earlier studies on single women that exist in Malaysian academic

literature are scarce and mainly confined to population studies. Most of these studies deal

with trends in marriage and divorce, and ‘never-married woman’ is treated as a group within

bigger Malaysian population (for example see Lee 1982, Jones 1980, Jones 1981). In this

regard we agree with Spreitzer and Riley’s (1974:533) statement that the scarcity of academic

or scientific research on singlehood is due to the fact that there is ‘no nomenclature with

which to conceptualise the status of a person who never marry’. This is often the case

because singleness is regarded as a temporary period prior to or in between marriages and

that being married is the social norm. As such, ‘being single is not seen to confer a separate

and discrete identity but is recognised only in relations to other core themes’ i.e. marriage

(Adams 1976: 29). On similar note Holden (2007) argued that ‘the meaning of singleness are

in dialogue with the meanings of marriage, with each category shifting in relation to each

other in response to wider societal change’. Between the two, the dominant category i.e.

marriage is perceived as the positive category where the ‘single’ category be compared to.

Consequently, the category ‘single’ is perceived as negative in contrast to the positive

category of ‘marriage’. Being in marriage is the right thing to do while remaining single or

outside marriage is seen as ‘being at the margins’ (Gordon 1994), ‘abnormal, suspect and

unfulfilled’ (Mustard 2000); and it is only in an intimate couple will one find ‘emotional

satisfaction, sexual fulfilment, companionship, security, and spiritual meaning’ (Trimberger

2005).

From our review of the many studies of singlehood, we suggest that the inferiority of

singleness over marriage can be viewed from two aspects, i.e. social stigma and well-being.

For the Malays, remaining single past marriageable ageii especially for women is regarded as

‘a problem’. This is reflected in the many public debates in the mass mediaiii

. From our

reviews of articles that appear in the Malaysian Malay mass media, we gathered four major

reasons for this ‘problem’. Firstly, late marriages for women will affect fertility rates and thus

lower the chances of having many children and contribute to the decline of the Malay

population. For the Malays, children are considered as God’s gift (rezeki) and should be

www.ijellh.com 371

cherished by all married couples. Children are hoped to take care of their parents when they

are old. Thus, for unmarried individuals concern arises over old age care. Secondly,

prolonged singleness is seen as a social change that challenges long-accepted norms of

universal marriage among the Malays. This is due to the fact that the roles of women are

defined according to their lifecycle beginning from being a daughter and later a wife, mother

and grandmother. For the never-married, their role as a woman is regarded as incomplete.

Thirdly, unmarried women are suspect to involvement in illicit sexual activities. This is

related to the fact that sex outside marriage is forbidden by Islam and Malay culture. Thus,

there are concerns that unmarried women might want to experience sex and thus seek secret

relationship due to their loneliness. Fourthly, the ‘problem’ of singleness is seen as a

challenge towards marriage institution. There are concerns that unmarried women are

rejecting marriage because it hinders their freedom and individualism; and that unmarried

women are opting for alternative lifestyles such as cohabitation, lesbianism and lifetime

celibacy.

However, the trend in recent years showed that prolonged singleness is commonly

happening especially amongst urban-based, highly educated and economically independent

women (Maeda 2006, Sitomurang 2005, Berg-Cross, Scholz, Long, Grzescyk & Roy 2004,

Byrne 2000, Salaff 1976). In the case of Malay Muslims in Malaysia, despite being labelled

and considered as ‘problematic’, statistic showed that the number of never-married women is

on the rise for the past few decades (Jones 2004). As mentioned earlier, education and job

opportunities contributed towards this trend. At the individual level, it is also interesting to

study the ‘push and pull factors’ towards singlehood and marriage as suggested by Stein

(1981) (refer Table 1).

TABLE 1: Pushes and pulls towards marriage and singlehood

MARRIAGE

Pushes (negatives in present situations) Pulls (attractions in potential situations)

Pressure from parents

Desire to leave home

Fear of independence

Loneliness and isolation

No knowledge or perception of alternatives

Cultural and social discrimination

Against singles

Approval of parents

Desire for children and own family

Example of peers

Romanticization of marriage

Physical attraction

Love, emotional attachment

Security, social status, social prestige

Legitimation of sexual experiences

www.ijellh.com 372

Socialization

Job availability, wage structure, and

promotions

Social policies favouring the married and the

responses of social institutions

SINGLEHOOD

Pushes (to leave permanent relationships) Pulls (to remain single or return to

singlehood)

Lack of friends, isolation, loneliness

Restricted availability of new experiences

Suffocating one-to-one relationship, feeling

trapped

Obstacles to self-development

Boredom, unhappiness, and anger

Poor communications with mate

Sexual frustration

Career opportunities and development

Availability of sexual experiences

Exciting life style, variety of experiences,

freedom to change

Psychological and social autonomy, self

sufficiency

Support structures: sustaining friendships,

women’s and men’s groups, political

groups, therapeutic groups, collegial

groups.

In our study on Malay single women, these ‘push and pull factors’ towards marriage

and singlehood were discussed by our participants when they related to us their experiences

as well as their perceptions of advantages and disadvantages of being single. We will

elaborate on this further in the findings section.

3. THIS STUDY

This paper draws upon a research on to the experiences of never-married single Malay

Muslim women. The data presented here is based on preliminary findings from six in-depth

interviews with six never-married Malay Muslim women over the age of 30. The participants

were recruited through personal contacts and ‘snowballing method’. Each interview took one

to two hours. Interviews were audio recorded (with the consent of the participants), and later

transcribed verbatim. Participants shared their views and experiences on advantages and

disadvantages of being single. The interviews were informal, and though a guide is prepared,

participants were allowed to express their views freely and were only probed with questions

for clarification. The transcripts were then analysed to determine patterns and themes that are

salient to their experience of singleness. The names of the participants remain anonymous so

www.ijellh.com 373

as to protect their privacy, in view of the sensitive nature of this research topic. For the

purpose of this paper, we identified them as Rina, Sherry, Sheila, Katijah, Miza and Fatimah.

It is important to mention here that the interviews were conducted in the preferred language

chosen by the participants. In cases where the participants used Malay language, we as

researchers did the translation to English. All six participants were highly educated with three

of them having PhD degree, one Masters and the remaining two holds Bachelor degree. All

of them were over 30 years old at the time of the interview. Table 2 provides some notes on

the profile of all six participants.

TABLE 2: Notes about the participants

Pseudonym

Notes about the participant

Rina

Sherry

Sheila

Katijah

Rina was 32 years old and is the first of three daughters who are all single.

She lives with friends in a rented flat and works as a computer analyst. Her

parents were divorced when she was finishing her secondary school. Her

mother was the second of three wives that her father had at that time.

Sherry was 38 years old and works as a senior government officer. She is

the second of seven siblings of all daughters. Her elder sister and two

younger sisters were already married. Sherry resides with her mother who is

a widow and three younger sisters who are still single.

Sheila was in her late 40’s and works as a lecturer. She lives alone in her

apartment. She has seven siblings - three are married, one just got divorced

and the rest are single. She spends most of her time at the office and goes

back to her parent’s house almost weekly to look after her parents who are

not well. Sheila describes herself as being meticulous and organised as well

as friendly and approachable.

Katijah was 44 years old and the eldest of three daughters. One of her

younger sister is married while the other one is single in her 30’s. She stays

in Kuala Lumpur with her foster sister who is a widow and her two sons.

Katijah describes her living arrangement as ‘pseudo-family’.

www.ijellh.com 374

Miza

Miza was 41 years old and works as a lawyer. She stays in her own flat with

a female friend who is a divorcee. Her parents were farmers and they used

to live in poor environment. Miza loves her career very much because she

‘can give back to the community’ and that was the reason that she prefers

working in the small town where she came from.

Fatimah

Fatimah was 38 years old and works as a lecturer. She stays on her own in

Penang. She is the third of nine siblings – five daughters and four sons. She

is the only one who is single. Both her parents were teachers. She values

friendship very much and take the effort to keep old friends and make new

ones (in Malay Muslim term ‘menjaga silaturrahim’).

Generally speaking, all the participants are already stable in terms of career and

source of income. These two factors – level of education and professions have important

bearing on singleness because they contribute to the scope of independent living and

psychological freedom (Adams 1976). Being in the higher level of socioeconomic stratum

allows these single women to enjoy financial independence and freedom, hence a choice to

delay marriage because they can provide for themselves without the help of a husband. It is

also interesting to note that all of these women, except Rina, have already bought their own

houses. In Malaysia, house ownership is an indication of one’s economic stability. Also

having their own homes is a sign of permanency or acceptance of the current single life style.

However it is important to emphasise that this is not an indication that never-married women

are accepting singleness as an option and thus rejecting marriage. Rather, as would become

apparent in the next section that these women are accepting God’s fate and making the best

out of it while hoping that one day they will finally tie the knot.

4. FINDINGS

First, we would like to apply Stein’s (1981) typology of singlehood (Table 3) to categorise

our participants. However it is important to note here that our single participants that are

categorised as voluntary do not oppose marriage because they are aware that it is a religious

obligation. In this regard our categorisation is principally based on whether or not the

participants actively seek mates. Those who actively seek mates are categorised as

involuntary singles while those who do not are categorised as voluntary singles. As for

temporariness category, those who contented with their lives and do not feel pressured

www.ijellh.com 375

towards marriage are considered as stable while those singles who feels that their lives will

be more fulfilling with marriage are considered as temporary.

TABLE 3: Typology of singlehood

VOLUNTARY INVOLUNTARY

TEMPORARY Never-married and formerly

married who are postponing

marriage by not currently seeking

mates, but who are not opposed to

the idea of marriage. (Rina)

Those who have been actively

seeking mates for shorter or longer

periods of time, but have not yet

found mates. (Sherry and Sheila)

Those who were not interested in

marriage or remarriage for some

period of time but are now actively

seeking mates. (Not applicable)

STABLE Those choosing to be single

(never-marrieds and formerly

marrieds). (Katijah and Miza)

Those who for various reasons

oppose the idea of marriage.

Religionaries. (Not applicable)

Never-marrieds and formerly

marrieds who wanted to marry or

remarry, have not found a mate and

have more or less accepted being

single as a probable life state.

(Fatimah)

(Source: Stein 1981)

By categorising these women according to Stein’s typology of singlehood, we can

better understand these single individuals’ perceptions towards advantages and disadvantages

of living as single women. It is apparent that women under categories voluntary and

temporary, voluntary and stable, as well as involuntary and stable are more accepting towards

their single status and generally perceived their lives as fulfilling. However those women who

are categorised as involuntary and temporary singles seems to voice dissatisfaction towards

their single status. As such they are pressured towards marriage and finding mates. If we

relate to Stein’s list of pushes and pulls towards marriage and singlehood, it is apparent that

both Sherry and Sheila’s are concerned about the pushes towards marriage. Both of them

express loneliness and isolation. They also feel affected by cultural and social discrimination.

With regard to loneliness and isolation, Weiss (1981:157) assertion that ‘loneliness is caused

www.ijellh.com 376

not by being alone but by being without some definite needed relationship or set of

relationships’ is relevant to Sherry and Sheila’s experiences. In this regard, loneliness is ‘a

response to relational deficit’. As such, singles will remain lonely until they found the

relationship that they are seeking i.e. marriage. This also explains why some singles are

involved in series of relationships. Also, it is important to emphasise that loneliness is

different from depression. Weiss (1981:156) explains that ‘in loneliness there is a drive to rid

oneself of one’s distress by integrating a new relationship or regaining a lost one; in

depression there is instead a surrender to it’. The need to get rid of distress due to loneliness

explains why both Sherry and Sheila are consistently seeking potential suitors so they end

their singleness.

Contrary to Sherry and Sheila, Katijah and Miza who are categorised as temporary

and stable seem to be contended with their lives. Both Katijah and Miza can be said as

successfully integrated into a new relationship whereby both of them have committed

relationship with the families of their flatmates. They are both well integrated into this new

family and find emotional support in this new relationship. Finally, although some singles

voiced dissatisfaction with single lives, all six of them agree that they do enjoy their freedom.

They enjoy having their own money so that they can spend buying whatever they want. They

also value their freedom in terms of time – they can do things that they like and spend as

much time as they wish to be with family members and friends. All of the participants also

expressed similar views that being single allow them to spend more time at work and thus

giving them the opportunity for career enhancement.

5. CONCLUSION

Conclusion and implications:

Single women’s perceptions towards advantages and disadvantages of singlehood

might result in ambivalence towards their single status.

For those who are categorised as stable, temporary deals better with single status. For

those who are categorised as temporary, involuntary living singly is unfulfilling at

times. They think of ‘road not taken’ and lonely.

Single women are aware of the push pull factors or advantages and disadvantages of

living single lives. This is very much related to the socio-cultural factors related to

being Malay and Muslim.

Contemporary single women have the option to remain single – unlike traditional

days where there is hardly any choice but to marry. Education and career allows this

to happen.

www.ijellh.com 377

However single women are not rejecting marriage and still considers marriage as the

right thing to do – but they differ in their priority and effort given in finding spouses.

Some put more effort, others don’t – whatever it is they are similar in one aspect –

they believe their jodoh has not come yet. Thus do not reject the possibility that they

might get married if God grant them jodoh; but until that happen they strive towards

happy and fulfilling lives.

www.ijellh.com 378

References:

Adams, Margaret. 1976. Single blessedness: observations on the single status in married

society. New York: Basic Books Publishers.

Berg-Cross, Linda; Scholz, Anne Marie; Long, JoAnne; Grzescyk, Ewa & Roy, Anjali.

2004. Single professional women: a global phenomenon – challenges and

opportunities, in Journal of International Women’s Studies, Vol. 5 No. 5, June 2004,

pp. 34-58.

Byrne, A. 2000 (a). Single women’s identities in contemporary Irish society. Ph.D. thesis.

Department of Political Science Sociology, University College Galway, Ireland.

Byrne, A. 2000 (b). Singular identities: managing stigma, resisting voices. Women’s Studies

Review Vol. 7. 2000, pp: 13-24.

Cargan, Leonard. 1981. Singles: an examinations of two stereotypes, Family Relations,

Volume 30, No. 3 (July 1981), pp: 377-385.

Darrington, J., Piercy, K.W. & Niehuis, S. 2005. The social and cultural construction of

singlehood among young, single Mormons, The Qualitative Report, Volume 10, No. 4,

4 December 2005, pp. 639-661.

De Paolo, Bella & Morris, Wendy L. 2005. Should singles and the scholars who study them

make their mark or stay in their place?, Psychological Inquiry.

Gordon, Tuula. 1994. Single Women: On the Margins? New York: New York University

Press.

Henslin, J.M. 2005. Sociology: A Down-to-Earth Approach (7th

edition). Boston: Allyn &

Bacon.

Holden, Katherine. 2007. The Shadow of Marriage: Singleness in England 1914-60.

Manchester: Manchester University Press.

Jones, G. 2004. Not ‘when to marry’ but ‘whether to marry’: the changing context of

marriage decisions in East and Southeast Asia, in Jones, G. & Ramdas, K. (ed.),

(Un)tying the knot: ideal and reality in Asian marriage. National University of

Singapore: Asia Research Institute.

Jones, G. 1981. Malay marriage and divorce in Peninsular Malaysia: three decades of change.

Population and Development Review, Vol. 7 No. 2 (June 1981), pp. 255-278.

Jones, G. 1980. Trends in marriage and divorce in Peninsular Malaysia. Population Studies,

Vol. 34, No. 2 (July 1980), pp: 279-292.

Lee, Kok Huat. 1982. Age at first marriage in Peninsular Malaysia. Journal of Marriage and

the Family, Vol. 44, No. 3 (August 1982), pp:785-798.

www.ijellh.com 379

Maeda, Eriko. 2006. Exploration of Japanese single women’s identities in Japan.

Unpublished PhD thesis, College of Liberal Arts, The Pennsylvania University.

Mustard, Deborah J. 2000. Spinster: an evolving stereotype revealed through film, in Journal

of Media Psychology, January 20, 2000. Available online at

http://www.calstatela.edu/faculty/sfischo/spinster.html.

Roziah Omar. 1994. The Malay woman in the body: between biology and culture. Kuala

Lumpur: Penerbit Fajar Bakti Sdn. Bhd.

Salaff, Janet W. 1976. The status of unmarried Hong Kong women and the social factors

contributing to their delayed marriage, in Population Studies, Volume 30, No. 3

(November 1976), pp: 319-412.

Sharifah Sofiah Atiqah Syed Ibrahim. 2003. Pengaruh bomoh dalam masyarakat Melayu, in

Pemikir Julai – September 2003 (Bilangan 33). Kuala Lumpur: Utusan Malaysia

Publications.

Simpsons, Roona. 2003. Contemporary spinsters in the new millennium: changing notions of

family and kinship. New Working Paper Series, Issue 10, July 2003. Gender Institute,

London School of Economics.

Situmorang, Augustina. 2005. Staying single in a married world: the life of never married

women in Yogyakarta & Medan. Asia Research Institute Working Paper Series, No.

38. ARI: National University of Singapore.

Sloane, Patricia. 1999. Islam, Modernity & Entreprenuership among the Malays. Oxford: St

Anthony’s College.

Spreitzer, E. & Riley, L.E. 1974. Factors associated with singlehood. Journal of Marriage

and the Family, Vol. 36, No. 3 (August 1974), pp: 533-542.

Strange, Heather. 1976. Continuity and change: patterns of mate selection and marriage ritual

in a Malay village. Journal of Marriage and the Family. Volume 38, No. 3 (August

1976), pp: 561-571.

Trimberger, E. Kay. 2005. The New Single Woman. Boston: Beacon Press.

Utusan Malaysia Online, 02.12.2005. Menyelesai masalah jodoh wanita profesional, at

http://www.utusan.com.my.

iMalaysia is a multiethnic country with a total population of over 26 million. Major ethnic

groups are Malays (50.3%), Chinese (23.8%), non-Malay indigenous people (11.0%) and

Indians (7.1%). The official language is Bahasa Melayu. However other languages such as

English, Chinese, Tamil and Punjabi are also spoken. The official religion is Islam which is

www.ijellh.com 380

practiced by about 60% of the population. The rest of the population practices other religions

freely. It is also important to note that the Federal Constitution stipulated that Malays are by

definition Muslims. (Women of the World: Laws and Policies Affecting Their Reproductive

Lives – East and Southeast Asia 2005. Center for Reproductive Rights, Asian-Pacific

Resource and Research Center for Women).

ii In Malaysia, the average age at marriage for female is 23.5 while for male is 26.6. Under

the Marriage and Divorce Act 1976, the minimum age for marriage for both male and female

in Malaysia is 18 years old. (Women of the World: Laws and Policies Affecting Their

Reproductive Lives – East and Southeast Asia. 2005. Center for Reproductive Rights, Asian-

Pacific Resource and Research Center for Women (ARROW)).

iii For instance, refer to Utusan Malaysia Online (http://www.utusan.com.my) articles. Some

of the headlines are ‘Menyelesai masalah jodoh wanita profesional’ (‘Solving the problems

of unmarried professional women’) 02.12.2005; ‘Izin poligami, kurang anak dara tua’

(‘Allow polygamy, less spinsters’) 21.08.2005; ‘Syor benarkan lelaki mengamalkan

perkahwinan misyar’ (‘Suggestion to allow misyar marriages for men’) 25.05.2006. Misyar

marriage is a marriage arrangement where the husband is released from his responsibility to

provide financially for his wife, with the consent of the wife. This arrangement is suggested

for wealthy single women who can afford themselves financially but need a husband to fulfill

their biological and sexual needs. Also, refer to entries in blogs and other websites such as

http://www.baitulmuslim.com titled ‘Masalah andartu’ (‘Problems of old maid’),

http://forum.ekpm.com titled ‘Andartu @ Andalusia – Bila mawar kering dipupuk angin’

(‘Old maids – withered roses blown by the wind’ ), http://www.Hanan.com.my titled

‘Misyar – penyelamat andartu @ andalusia’ (‘Misyar – savior for old maids @ spinsters’)

and http://www.sim.org.mai titled ‘Jalan penyelesaian masalah andartu’ (‘Solutions towards

problems of spinsters’).