New Moon: Edward’s POV

I hold no rights to anything. Based on “New Moon” by Stephanie Meyer

Chapter 3: The End

I ran back home to change clothes and get my car to go to school. As I pulled up my driveway, I half-expected my family to still be here. Waiting to ambush me and tell me to stay. Or to demand that they, at least, be able to say goodbye to Bella. But as I walked up the stairs at the front porch, I heard nothing. No television, no thoughts, nothing. They were gone. This made it official. I was really leaving Bella. I thought about it all night. Made my decision a thousand times. But coming back to this empty home. My home, somehow made it more official than it already was. I walked through the house, looking around at its emptiness, wishing there was another option, again. Knowing that there wasn’t. I walked in the kitchen and found a note on the refrigerator.

“Edward,

We left for Denali, as you asked. We will be here until you arrive. We will decide where we will relocate to once you are back with us. I know we have already discussed this and I know your mind seems to be made up but just think about this some more, son. There has to be another way to go about this. We are here for you. Take as much time as you need. Call if you change your mind. Think about it.

Carlisle”

I have thought about it. I’m tired of thinking about it. The more I think about it, the more I’m probably going to end up convincing myself to stay………. I just need to change now and get to school.

I got to school before she did. Good. I have time to get myself together. To get into character. Be distant, Edward, I told myself. I heard her coming around the corner. I had to restrain my mouth from curving into smile. That’s ironic. Not so long ago, I had a hard time making myself smile. Before Bella. Now I had a hard time not smiling. Especially when I saw her. She pulled in her parking space and I went over to open her door for her. “How do you feel?” I asked.

“Perfect,” she said. She was a terrible liar. We walked in complete silence to class. I matched her stride, not wanting to rush the limited time I had left to spend with

her. With the devastating future looming over us, I still relished in this time with her. Even though we didn’t speak all morning. Even though we hadn’t hugged or kissed. Just being with her was heaven for me. The only words that passed between us was when I would occasionally ask her about her arm and she continued to lie.

I dreaded going to lunch today. I knew Bella would question me when she didn’t see Alice. What would I tell her? I hated lying to her. We got to the cafeteria and Bella looked immediately at our table. Alice always beat us to lunch. She was always waiting for us. But not today of course. Alice would never again sit at that table, waiting for us. She was gone where I soon would be. I didn’t say anything. I would wait for her to ask me. Maybe she wouldn’t, I hoped. I grabbed only a granola bar today before we sat down. I didn’t have any energy to pretend with a full tray today. Then she saw Ben and Angela. They were both in Alice’s class. Great. I knew once she saw them and not Alice she would definitely ask.

“Where’s Alice?” Bella asked me anxiously. What would I tell her? I had planned on pretending to eat the granola bar, but my fingers decided otherwise. “She’s with Jasper.” I answered.

“Is he okay?”

“He’s gone away for awhile.”

“What? Where?”

I shrugged. Shrugging was good. Show my indifference, she wouldn’t suspect anything. “Nowhere in particular.”

“And Alice too”

“Yes. She’ll be gone for awhile. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali.” That wasn’t, completely, a lie. I heard her swallow hard and her shoulders slump. “Is your arm bothering you?” I asked her.

“Who cares about my stupid arm?” she muttered. Disgusted at the situation, I suppose. Or disgusted at my strange behavior. I hated to have to do this. I hated to make her feel this way. I wish I could comfort her, but I couldn’t. So I said nothing and she put her head down on the table. I just sat there and looked at her. Looked at how her brown hair flowed down her back. How her hair set off the color of her skin. Then I caught a glimpse of her bandaged arm under her hair

and regained my concentration. I have a role to play. So I just stared at nothing for the rest of the lunch hour.

The rest of the day carried on like the morning. Silent. When we got to her truck she was the first to break the silence. I guess finally realizing that I was not going to be the one.

“You’ll come over later tonight?” she asked even though I always came over. Did she not want me over now?

“Later?”, I asked, surprised that she even asked me that question. I always came over after school.

“I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off.”

“Oh”

“So you’ll come over when I’m done, though, right? She pressed.

“If you want me to.” I said.

“I always want you,” she said. Very intensely, like she was trying to convey some message. I’ll always want you too, I wanted to say. But I thought better of it.

“All right, then,” I said simply, with no emotion. I kissed her forehead, not her lips again, and shut the door on her. I turned and went to my car. This was harder than I imagined it would be. It was a relief to get into my car and wipe this look off of my face. The look underneath it was no better. It was pained. It was sad. It was heartbroken, even though my heart was out of commission. Ten times worse than the indifferent look I plastered on my face all day. I drove out of the parking lot and went straight to my house. I went up to my room, even though I didn’t need to, I had the whole house to myself with no one’s thoughts to cloud my mind, but I still wanted to be in my room. I laid on my couch and stared at the ceiling. I laid there remembering the first time I brought Bella to my house and how I felt in that moment. Having her know every secret. The relief I felt when she still looked at me with nothing but love in her eyes. Still treated me like she would anyone else, instead of like the freak I am. That was one of the happiest moments in my life. She loved me unconditionally. And look at what I have done to her. I am despicable. Now I see why I don’t deserve to be happy with her. I have always thought that Bella always attracted dangerous things towards her, like a magnet, and I needed to protect her from those things. Even though one of those

dangerous things that threatened her life was me. The worst of them all. But maybe I had it wrong. Maybe that was just God’s way of trying to keep her away from me. Even if it meant her death. Even if killing her was the only way to keep her away from me. Bad things only started happening to her once she met me. She got around just fine in Phoenix before she came to Forks. And Phoenix is a big city. Maybe this was god’s way of telling me that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t deserve Bella…… Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. I never thought I deserved her anyway. I have to go through with this, though. I can’t afford to back out now. I can’t afford anything to happen to her because I was too weak to leave, as I had been before. I would only have to take satisfaction in the fact that these past few months have made me the happiest I have ever been in the hundred years I have existed. That at least I’ve had the opportunity to find Bella, my one true love, my one and only love. Some people never get the chance to experience love. Even a fraction of what I’ve experienced. And I have experienced enough to last me a lifetime. More than a lifetime, an eternity. I sighed when I turned to look out of my window. It was getting dark. I should head over to Charlie’s so that I can be there when Bella gets home. I don’t want to waste any more time than I have to. I don’t plan to stay with her tonight, as I do every night. I don’t think I can take her unguarded thoughts tonight. That would be too much.

It was easier to be distant at school. We had class to take up most of the time. Now I had a couple of hours with just me and her…….and Charlie. If I make it there before her than I can pretend that I was watching television with him when she got there. Yeah, that would be my plan…I hope it works.

I got to her house, thankful, for once, that she had the slowest car in history. She wasn’t here yet. Charlie’s cruiser was in the driveway parked in his usual spot, so I parked in my usual spot on the curb in front of her house. I looked in the direction of her house and took in the environment before I got out. . As plain and as uninteresting this sight was, I would miss this. I sighed and got out and walked up to the door. I heard ESPN’s sportscenter on the television. Charlie loved his sports. I knocked on the door.

“Coming,” he yelled. Still not moving away from the television. It took a minute for him to come and open the door.

“Hey, Edward. Bella hasn’t gotten home yet.” He said.

“I know. If it’s okay with you, I thought I would wait here for her.” I told him.

“Sure.” He said as he let me in. I walked towards the living room and he went towards the kitchen.

“I have some cold pizza in here that I was about to eat. Do you want some?” he asked. Damn….it was easier to turn down food when Bella was here to eat with him. I can’t turn him down now.

“Sure” I said. Already regretting my decision to make it here before Bella. I went to join him at the table in the kitchen. I looked at the pizza and thought about how I would have to choke this up later. Ugh…..

We ate a couple of slices and went back into the living room. We sat down and Charlie drowned in the television, as he always did. Where was she? She should’ve been here by now. Is she okay? Maybe I should………

Before I could finish my thought, I heard her truck not too far from here. Relief washed over me. When she turned on to the street, her heart started beating faster. What was wrong with her? Why did her heart start beating like that? What was she thinking? She pulled in to the driveway and I was about to smile. An involuntary reaction that happened only when I knew I was about to see her. I need to control this. I composed my face into the same face I had all day.

“Dad? Edward?”, Bella called before she was even in the house. I would miss that. Hearing her call my name. Hearing how her voice wrapped around it like only her voice could.

“In here,” Charlie yelled back. She hung her raincoat on the coat rack and appeared around the corner. I had to fight back the urge to look at her. If I did, I would lose all control. I had to keep myself in control. I focused my eyes on the television. Not really watching it, just making sure I couldn’t watch her.

“Hi,” she said in a weak voice. She must be tired.

“Hey Bella,” Charlie answered, never looking at her. “We just had cold pizza. I think it’s still on the table.”

“Okay,” she said while she waited in the doorway. Waiting for me to acknowledge her, no doubt. I had to look now. As stubborn as she was, she could wait there for as long as it took for me to look over. So I looked over and said, “I’ll be right behind you.” I immediately turned my eyes back to the television. I could feel her stare still fixed on me as she waited there. I wanted to look back, but I didn’t. I

continued to stare at the television. After a minute, she gave up and went in to the kitchen. I heard the chair scrape across the linoleum as she took a seat. I wish I could hear what she was thinking. I know she noticed the difference in me. It must be hurting her that I am being so distant. Why hasn’t she brought it up? She usually did. I hate this. And then I heard her chuckle. What could she be thinking about? I wish I could just ask her……..but I couldn’t. And then I heard her get out of the chair in the kitchen and run upstairs. What was she doing? The curiosity was driving me crazy. It hadn’t been like this since before Bella realized I could read minds. Every since I could just ask her. This was killing me, metaphorically.

She was up there for awhile before I heard her coming down the stairs. Slow for her. And then I heard her snap a picture. I looked around then and so did Charlie.

“What are you doing Bella?” Charlie asked, frowning. Echoing my thoughts.

“Oh, come on,” Bella said as she came and sat on the floor in front of Charlie. She was smiling as she sat, but something was different. Her smile didn’t touch her eyes. And not only that, it seems………….it looked like she was forcing herself to smile. “You know mom will be calling soon to ask if I’m using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt.” Bella finished.

“Why are you taking pictures of me though,” Charlie said.

“Because you’re so handsome. And because, since you bought the camera, you’re obligated to be one of my subjects.”

“I should’ve left it at the store,” Charlie mumbled, too low for Bella to hear.

“Hey Edward,” Bella said, indifferently, “Take one of me and my dad together.”

She threw the camera to me. It looked like she was trying to avoid looking into my eyes. I’m not complaining. I was doing the same thing.

She knelt beside Charlie on the arm of the sofa and Charlie sighed.

“You need to smile, Bella,” I told her. She gave the same empty smile as she had before. I took the picture. Charlie was just as uncomfortable with the spotlight as Bella was. That’s where she got it from.

“Let me take one of you kids,” Charlie said. I tossed him the camera and Bella walked over to me. I put one hand on her shoulder and she wrapped her arm around my waist. Ahhh…………it felt like I haven’t felt her warmth, her body next

to mine in forever. I wanted to grab her and hold her and kiss her and never let her go. I’ve missed this. It felt so natural, so comfortable…….

“Smile, Bella,” Charlie reminded her as I had. And his interruption allowed me time to clear my head. This was the right thing to do. She took a deep breath and tried, again, to smile as Charlie took the picture.

“Enough pictures for tonight,” Charlie said as he shoved the camera in the cushion of the sofa and laid over it, “You don’t have to use the whole roll now.” I dropped my hand from her shoulder. As soon as I did, I felt electricity run up my hand from the absence of her warmth. I twisted out of her arm, hating every second of it, and sat back down in the chair. Bella hesitated before she went back to sit down against the sofa. From the corner of my eye, I saw her hands shaking. Was she cold? She must’ve sensed that I saw her hands shaking because she hid them by pressing them into her stomach. She stared into the TV as I did. She wasn’t crazy about television either, especially sports. She’s going to start asking questions soon. I can’t look into her eyes and lie. I’ve become a professional liar in the eighties years that I have been a vampire. I had to. I’ve never had a problem lying. But lying to her………..was unbearable. Wrong. I had to go. I won’t give her the chance to ask me any questions. Not now. She would know soon enough. When the program ended on the television that was my cue to leave. I stood up and said, “I’d better get home,”

“See ya,” Charlie said without looking my way. Bella stood on her feet and followed me out the front door. I walked straight to my car and turned around.

“Will you stay?,” she asked. It hurt so much to look at the pain in her face. “Not tonight,” I answered. She didn’t ask me why. I didn’t give her time if she planned to. I got in my car and drove away. I looked in my rearview mirror to see that Bella was still standing outside. Staring at the back of my car. This is painful. It had started to rain and she made no intentions to move. She was still standing there as I drove around the corner. As soon as I was out of her sight I pulled over and laid my head on the back of the seat. I closed my eyes and wished for sleep. Anything to pass the time. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of everything. As much as I don’t need sleep or rest, I was exhausted. I’ve never worked so hard to be…….unhappy. And even though the situation was a terrible one, I didn’t ever want to be away from her. Every moment with her, no matter how awkward they were now, was pure bliss. I had to work double time not to look into her deep brown eyes, not to get lost in them. Had to work hard not to smile. It was

unnatural not to smile, especially when I was around her. I sighed, knowing that sleep was not going to miraculously take over me, not matter how much I wished for it. So I pulled off.

I got back to my house. My empty house and did the same thing as earlier. I went to my room and laid on my couch. Eyes closed. Before I could get lost in my thoughts, I heard my phone vibrate in my pocket. I hoped it wasn’t Bella calling to talk. I grabbed it out of my pocket and looked at the number, hesitantly. Relief, that it wasn’t Bella. And sadness because I wanted to hear her voice. It was Alice. I picked up, “What is it, Alice?” I said.

“Edward, what’s taking you so long?” she asked. “You haven’t changed your mind.”

“I’m trying to leave. It’s harder than I imagined.” I admitted. And it was the truth. I had planned on leaving the next day after her birthday, but I changed my mind after I saw her face at school the next morning.

“Edward, what are you doing?..... You don’t want to leave. You see that. Stop this. Just stay. We’ll figure out a way to make this work. I promise. Maybe we could…..” Alice said. I had thought enough about this. My thoughts on the subject were already more than I could handle. I really am not in the mood for anybody else’s.

“Alice, the decision is already made. I will make myself leave. This is not about me for a change. She deserves this. I’m not going to discuss it further. I’ll be up there soon. Bye.” I said and hung up the phone. I shook my head, trying to shake away any thoughts…….. Any emotions……... Anything……… Everything.

The next time I looked at the clock it was time to leave for school. This was the day. This had to be. The day that I would leave Bella forever. The last time I would see her face, smell her scent, feel her warm skin……I had already stayed longer than I should have. I couldn’t do it anymore. Drag this out. This was it. Love would be lost forever after today. This is my last day of happiness.

I arrived for school at the same time she did today. I met her at her car as usual and we walked to class. Silently. Again. I couldn’t look at her. This was hard enough. We were in English class now. Mr. Berty asked Bella a question, twice. She didn’t seem to hear him. What was she thinking? Could she sense what was coming?

“Her husband,” I whispered to her. The answer to Mr. Berty’s question. And then I went back to trying not to look at her.

At lunch, the silence continued. Bella leaned across our lunch table and spoke to Jessica.

“Hey, Jess?” Bella said.

“What’s up Bella?”

“Could you do me a favor? My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?” Bella asked while she reached in her bag to get her camera. What was with her and these pictures? She handed Jessica her camera. “Sure,” Jessica said, smiling as she took a picture of Mike who had a mouth full of food. They passed the camera around the table, laughing and playing, and being normal. This is what Bella deserved. A normal life. I glanced up at Bella, for the first time in the past couple of days, and saw something in her eyes. I can’t explain what it was. A hint of happiness? She had been so glum the past couple of days, due to my behavior, that the look surprised me. I can’t leave today. Maybe tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. I can’t do it today. I just……..can’t.

“Uh-oh. I think we used all your film.” Jessica said apologetically.

“That’s okay. I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed.” Bella said.

After school, I walked her to her car, like I always did. In silence. And turned to walk to my car. She had to work again today. I couldn’t leave today. Especially when she has to go to work. I got in my car and drove away and went home. As I did yesterday, I laid on my couch and blocked everything from my mind. I wasn’t going to go over to her house today. It would only make things worse for her. Having to see my face like this. I wouldn’t call her, she would definitely ask me questions then. I would leave tomorrow. She doesn’t have to work. Tomorrow, then. I closed my eyes and wished for sleep again.

School the next day was much the same. Silent. Painful. We were on our way to her truck after school when I decided that now was the time. It was now or never. This was it.

“Do you mind if I come over today?”I asked her before we got to the truck

“Of course not.” She said.

“Now?” I asked while I opened her door for her.

“Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renee’ in the mailbox on the way. I’ll meet you there,” she said. If I didn’t do this as soon as possible, I would lose my nerve. I couldn’t wait that long. I saw the envelope on her seat and reached over and snagged it.

“I’ll do it,” I told her, “And I’ll still beat you there.” I smiled trying to keep it light.

“Okay,” she said. She tried to smile back, but I could see she couldn’t manage it. I shut her door and headed for my car.

I drove out of the school parking lot. I dropped the envelope in the mailbox and made it to Bella’s house in record time. This was it. Could I really go through with it?........No, I can’t doubt myself now. I have to be strong right now. I pulled into Charlie’s spot. I would be gone before he got home…..that thought alone pained me. I want her to live a happy life. I want her to forget about me. That’s the only way she’ll move on. If she got over me. I traced up her window into her room. I grabbed the presents we got her for her birthday and was going to take them with me and put them in my car, but it felt wrong. These were her things. I could leave something of myself with her. I saw her scrapbook on her bedside table. I went to look in it to see if she put the pictures in there. I opened it up and the first picture was a picture of myself. It was the picture she took of me before we went to that dreadful birthday party. When I was happy. With Bella. I took out that picture, along with the others of me from the other night. Those were not so happy. I decided to put all those things under her floorboard. I knew this was wrong. I hope she doesn’t find them. Not right now anyway. Maybe someday, when she’s found happiness with someone else, she’ll find them and remember me. I hope she’ll forgive me and know that I did this for her. Only for her. I hope that she can know that the happiness that she finds is my final gift to her. Maybe she’ll play my CD and think of me. For I will forever think of her. I heard her truck nearby and I composed myself. I walked downstairs to her kitchen to leave a note for Charlie from her. I’m going to take her a little ways up the path to tell her goodbye and I don’t want him to be worried sick about her. Who knows how long it will take to convince her that I don’t love her anymore? I wrote the note as best I could in Bella’s handwriting and left it on the table. I made it back out to my car in record time. As soon as I got back in my car, to make it seem like I was waiting for her, she was pulling around the corner. She pulled in front of the house and parked her car. She shook her head. What did that mean? I got out of

my car when I saw her step out of her truck and went over to meet her. She had her backpack in her hand about to take it into the house. I grabbed it and put it on the seat of her truck.

“Come for a walk with me,” I told her taking her hand. She didn’t say anything and I wasn’t giving her a chance to say no. I pulled her along with me toward the forest. Only a few steps into the trees, on the trail, in view of her house, so she could find her way back home…….I wouldn’t be here to lead her.

I leaned against a tree and stared at her, wondering how I was going to do this. Her face was so beautiful. She was so beautiful. This fragile girl had given me some of the best times in my very long life. I now I had to leave it behind. I would never love anyone else, but this girl. The only girl in the world. Whose heart I was about to break.

“Okay, let’s talk,” she said.

Here we go…….. I took a deep breath. “Bella, we’re leaving. “ I said. Finally letting the words escape my mouth. She took a deep breath too. She was surprisingly…….calm. Had she suspected this? Did she know I was breaking up with her?

“Why now? Another Year-“ she said. I cut her off.

“Bella, it’s time. How much longer could we stay in Forks after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he’s claiming thirty-three now. We’d have to start over soon regardless.” I explained to her. She looked at me like my explanation confused her. She stared at me. I stared back, with a cold expression. I can’t show any emotion. Then a flicker of understanding spread across her face, replacing the confusion.

“When you say we-,” she whispered. Oh…..she thought I meant her and I. How could she think that? Would she really have come with me if I had asked? I couldn’t let myself feel any happiness at that realization. I had a job to complete.

“I meant my family and myself,” I told her. Emphasizing each word. She had to understand. She shook her head mechanically. It hurt to see this. I waited for it to sink in, and I knew once it did, it would be nearly impossible for her to accept it. I’m glad I left the note. There was no telling how long we would be out here.

“Okay, I’ll come with you,” she said.

“You can’t Bella. Where we’re going….It’s not the right place for you.” I told her. Why was she so determined to be with me? I’m no good for her.

“Where you are is the right place for me,” she said. How I wanted to believe that.

“I’m no good for you, Bella.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re the very best part of my life.” She had that backwards. She was the best part of my life. She had changed me so completely. I didn’t have a life before I met her. But the world that I belonged to just could not collide with hers.

“My world is not for you”

“What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!”

“You’re right, it was exactly what was to be expected.” I agreed with her. I don ‘t know why I thought, this would work. Why I thought that I could be with a human. I’m not human.

“You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-“ she yelled.

“As long as that was best for you,” I interrupted her to correct her. and it wasn’t the best thing for her. not when she was constantly being put in danger around me.

“No! This is about my soul, isn’t it?” she shouted at me, furious now. pleading. “Carlisle told me about that, and I don’t care, Edward. I don’t care! You can have my soul. I don’t want it without you-it’s yours already.” It hurt to hear those words. I took a deep breath and stared at the ground. This was unbearablke. She had given herself, completely to me. she was mine in every way that mattered. I had wished for this. hoped for this since the first day I realized I loved her. that she would love me as completely as I loved her. and I never realized how far her love went for me until this moment. Her darkest time. Here she is bearing her soul, her heart, for me. But I couldn’t have her. she wasn’t safe in my world. She must be safe. I held on to that fact and did what I thought I could never do. I got a grip on myself and looked up at her.

“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me,” I said slowly, making sure she understood every word. I looked at her face, watching her as she took in my words.

“You….don’t…..wan’t……me?” she said. A confused look crossed her face again as she sifted through the words I had spoken and picked out the ones that mattered the most.

“No.” If I had a beating heart, it would have shattered at those two ridiculous letters. How could I not want her? all I have wanted since she moved to Forks was her. she had dominated every part of my world. There was no life without her.

She stared at me. trying to find some lie to my words. I stared back, conveying to her that there was nothing left to find but the words I had just spoken. The biggest lie ever told. Looking at her, I felt like my legs would give out. I felt the urgent need to fall to my knees, at her feet. And beg for her forgiveness. But I couldn’t.

“Well, that changes things,” she said, calmly. I looked away into the trees to hide my face. It was Iike I haven’t said a word…….was that it? is that all it took to convince her? did she really believe that I didn’t want her, this soon? I planned to be out here for awhile convincing her that moving on was in her best interest. Why is she so quick to believe me? what was she thinking? I kept my face to the trees as I spoke, “Of course, I’ll always love you…..” I said, even though it didn’t seem like it mattered. She already seemed convinced that I didn’t want her. I wanted to let her know that I do love her even though I had to leave. I can’t take it, her believing that I don’t want her. but I can’t make this more confusing for her either.

“……in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it’s time for a change. Because I’m……..tired of pretending to be something I’m not, Bella. I am not human.” I said to her. after I composed my face, I looked back at her. and it hurt even worse. Her face was as calm as if we were having a regular conversation. But I didn’t look away.

“I’ve let this go on much too long, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t,” she whispered. “Don’t do this.”

I just stared at her, with the same expression, while my mind was doing backflips at her reaction. I couldn’t believe this. but I had to get this over with. I felt like I was going to burst. I just wanted to scream, ‘Bella, what is wrong with you? Haven’t I told you I love you a million times? What is the matter with you? Why do you believe these lies?’, but I didn’t. I just continued….

“You’re not good for me, Bella” I had turned my earlier words around. And as I said them, comprehension spread across her face and she said nothing else.

I still needed her to do something for me. I wasn’t going to be here to protect her anymore. She needed to be safe. If she wasn’t all this would be for nothing.

“I would like to ask one favor though, if that’s not too much,” of course it was too much. What kind of an idiotic question is that?

“Anything,” she said. She was too good for me. here I was, breaking her heart, and she was still willing to do anything for me.

Right then, my resolve wavered, and I was her Edward. The Edward that only existed in her presence. She needed to know how important this was. How much it mattered to me. I loved her so much and If anything happened to her……………..

“Don’t do anything reckless or stupid,” I said. With more emotion than I had shown these past few days. This was important. The most important part of this heartbreaking decision. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” I asked her. she nodded. When she agreed, I returned back to the emotionless espression.

“I’m thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him.” I added. Keeping it neutral.

She nodded again, “I will,” she whispered. I relaxed a little. This was the whole point of this whole ordeal. As long as she was safe………………

“And I’ll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me. I won’t come back,” I will come back to check on you, but you won’t know. “I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I’d never existed.” I told her. her knees started to shake and her pulse quickened. If she collapsed, I couldn’t just sit here and do nothing. I would have to abandon this plan and stay here with her. then it would take me that much longer to actually leave. I probably wouldn’t leave. So I smiled gently to reassure her, “Don’t worry. You’re human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.”

“And your memories?” she asked. Of course I would always think of her.

“Well-“ I hesitated, I was going to tell her that I would always think of her. that she would be in every thought I have. But I had to keep this distant. “I won’t

forget. But my kind……we’re very easily distracted.” I smiled to make it light. I didn’t fool her though. I took a step away from her, forcing myself to make my exit, “That’s everything, I suppose. We won’t bother you again.”

“Alice, isn’t coming back,” she whispered so low I barely heard her. I shook my head slowly, watching for her reaction. Waiting for it, any reaction. “No, they’re all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye.”

“Alice is gone?” she asked. Not bellieveing the words as they came out of her mouth.

“She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you.”

She just stood there. Lost in thought. Letting everything sink in, I guessed. I decided, it was time.

“Goodbye, Bella.”

“Wait!!” She yelled, reaching for me. I wanted to grab her and hug her and comfort her. I wanted to kiss her and never let her go. I started reaching for her, guard down, she was so vulnerable, so hurt. I had to hold her. One last time, I tried to convince myself. But that wouldn’t help, so I stopped myself and locked my hands around her wrists instead and pinned them to her sides. I leaned down. Surely I could afford to give her a goodbye kiss. I pressed my lips lightly to her forehead for the briefest second. Any longer and I would’ve stayed. Her eyes closed under my lips.

“Take care of yourself”, I told her and then I ran…...before I changed my mind and stayed forever.

I just kept running. Not breathing. Not concentrating. My mind went blank of everything else, except for Bella. All I could think about was the look on her face. The look of pain. Of sadness. ………Of Heartbreak………

For the first time ever, I lost control while I was running. I grazed branches and tripped over stumps. I continued running until I ran straight into a tree…

It didn’t hurt me, of course, I just bounced off of it and fell to the ground. I wish it had hurt me. I wish I could feel the physical pain. Anything to get my mind off of what I just did.

I stayed there with my eyes closed as still as a statue. I wished I could sleep. Sleep may help ease some of the pain. I wished I could sleep so that I could dream of her. Not that I could ever stop thinking about her, of course not. I wished I could dream of her so that I could dream of us being together. With no obstacles in our way. Free to love each other without worry. So that, even if it’s only a couple of hours, I could be with her and be happy. Really happy. Only with her am I the happiest. The most content……

But I can’t sleep. I can’t dream. And Bella and I can’t be together without worry. She would always have to worry about if I can resist her blood. If my family can resist her blood. We would always have obstacles in our way, fighting to keep us apart. So why fight fate when it’s determined to keep us separated. This makes me think of Romeo and Juliet. Although I never really liked the story, I can’t deny the similarities between that romance and ours. Fate was determined to keep them apart. So much so that the only way they felt they could be with each other was in death. Their relationship was constantly being challenged. Their romance, just like ours, was ill-fated. A tragedy. Never suppose to be…..

But I could not die with Bella. I wish it were that easy. And even if I could die with her, even if I found a way to end my life when hers did, we have no guarantees that we will be going to same place afterwards. At least Romeo and Juliet had that one guarantee, the one promise that they would ultimately be able to be together through all of the chaos that was presented to them. Life had a plan for them, a destiny, but death….. was another story. We’re not even meant to be together in the afterlife. We are true star-crossed lovers. Either way you look at it, Bella and I are not meant to be. If I had died in 1918, like I was supposed to, we never would have met. I would be dead by now and she would go on to live a happy life. I’m a vampire and she’s human. Hunter and prey. Even if I were human and really 17 years old in high school, we would not be together. I would’ve been forced to watch death take her last breath by allowing Tyler Crowley’s van crush her right before my eyes. I would’ve been unable to prevent her death. If I were human, I couldn’t have saved her and she would be dead. We can’t win. There is no way around it. This is the only way…….

At least, this is what I am trying to convince myself. And although, all of that is true, I am still devastated…no, that’s not a strong enough word for what I’m feeling. There are no words for what this feels like………

What did I just do? I thought to myself. How could I do that? How could I tell her that I didn’t want her anymore? And, most importantly, how could she believe me? I have told her that I love her on countless occasions. I spent every minute I could with her without actually moving in. After all of this time together, all the thoughts and feelings that have been passed between us, how could she let one word negate all the rest? Watching her face as what I said to her sunk in, watching her accept it, that I didn’t love her anymore, was the worst part of that very life-shattering conversation. I feel lifeless. I don’t even feel like I can even move. Every part of my body feels like it weighs a million pounds. I could quite literally lay here for the rest of my pathetic existence. What am I going to do without her? I just keep replaying our last conversation in my head and it gets worse and worse every time….

The look in her eyes was unbearable…….

I saw straight into her soul and all I could see was pain…. at MY words………

How could I cause the one person in this world that I love the most so much pain? Never did I think that it would be the words that came out of my mouth that would be the reason for that look to come into her eyes. I’ve always hated it when Jessica Stanley would think negative thoughts about Bella. Hated it because if she heard them, I know that it would hurt her and I wanted to protect her from that. And there I was, speaking words that hurt her more than Jessica’s ever could……

As I lay there on the ground, it began to rain. I didn’t even know where I was. I didn’t want to know. I wasn’t with Bella. And if I wasn’t with her, it didn’t matter.

I just continued to lay there. On the ground of some forest. While the rain poured down on me. Wallowing in my miserable existence. What do I do now? How do I live without her?

How did I live before I met her? It seems like a lifetime ago. Being with Bella had brought so much to my life that before her I wasn’t really living. I was just following the routine of my life, not really taking the time to experience it. Maybe because there wasn’t anything that caught my attention enough to explore. She had opened me up so completely. Opened my eyes to a better world than my own. A happy place that could only exist with her. Now, without her, what do I have? Nothing. It’s impossible to continue to exist when the one thing that makes you feel whole is gone. I only existed before because I didn’t know what it felt like

to be completely whole. Not really. I thought I was complete in myself, but as always, Bella proved me wrong. But once you feel what it’s like to be completely whole, how can you settle for second best. I have to stop. This isn’t doing me any good. I just laid there, clearing, or trying to anyway, all thoughts from my head. As hollow as my heart is, it feels like it is being mangled and torn apart in every way possible. I shouldn’t have let it get this far. Why didn’t I just leave at the beginning? Leave before she developed feelings for me, because I knew, even then, that once she developed them for me that would make it harder for me to leave. Her pain cripples me more than my own.

As I lay here and stare up at the sky, I know that life is over for me. I left it heartbroken and alone on a trail in the forest in Forks. A place that I shall never call home again, even though it will be the only home I will ever know.

Love, life, meaning…….GONE

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! I AM WRITING CHAPTER 4 RIGHT NOW. IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME. SINCE IT’S ALL EDWARD’S POV, IT’S GOING TO BE HARD. I WANNA MAKE IT GOOD. THANKS FOR ALL THE GOOD REVIEWS. I REALLY APPRECIATE THEM.