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July 2014

contents

We hope you are finding the resources, articles and links on Adoption Home, our website for adopters, helpful. We have added some excellent booklets such as ‘Let’s Learn Together’ (a comprehensive guide to the needs of adopted children in school and home) and our news page is regularly updated with interesting topics.

You can now also find a section on Health and Wellbeing, which includes information on emotional health, disability services and drug and alcohol use and the associated risks. Our Attachment and Trauma pages have changed and have new material too. As Letterbox and Contact pages are very relevant to many, we have extended membership to adopters

of Nottinghamshire children who have a Letterbox, but who live out of Nottinghamshire. Coming soon are a CAMHS page and information about our adoption support workers. Do let us know if there are additions you would like to see.

You can communicate now with other adopters by adding news items that you think would be of interest to the adoption community; just log on to the home page and follow the instructions! Experts tell us that being in touch with other adopters is vital for your wellbeing as an adopter and you will find information about support groups too later in this newsletter. If you need reminding of your log-in details, please email support.afteradoption@nottscc.gov.uk

Welcome from the Team Managers 2Being a PAL 3Sam on adoption 3Losing a child to adoption 4News and Reviews 5Reunion with my birth mother 7A birth mother’s experience 8Research on adoption disruptions 8Supporting you... Hints & tips 9How to support your child with responsible drinking 10Adopters Support Groups 11Who am I? 12A Day at School 135 tips for teachers 14Update from the Virtual School 15Useful numbers and dates for your diary 16

Support MattersNews, views and information from Support After Adoption

Adoption Home grows!

Welcome from the Support After Adoption

Team Manager

When you, as an adopter, contact us by phone or email we will discuss your concerns and any related issues, such as education, health, contact and adoption support. Our approach is to support your child as part of your family, and recognise the challenges that you face in parenting a child who has probably been subject to early life trauma. In this first contact we make sure you know about our training programme, our mailing list, our Adoption Home virtual learning platform, Welfare Rights Officers and our young people’s activity days.

Where there are school problems (affecting 80% of adopted children) we often involve the Virtual School, who can link with school staff about the needs of children with attachment and developmental difficulties.

If you need more than the support offered in our first phone call, a social worker will meet with you and often offer some sessions on therapeutic adoptive parenting accompanied by some reading materials.

During this period we will be learning from you about the needs of your family to help us complete an Adoption Support Assessment which we will share with you. From this your social worker will formulate an Adoption Support Plan detailing

the service to be offered. If you agree the plan, we will review it with you after six months.

Services within the plan are varied but may include life story work, access to information from adoption records, Theraplay or DDP approach ( Dyadic Developmental Practice), support regarding contact and services from other professionals, which we may co-ordinate through multi-agency meetings.

Where the emotional needs of children are more complex, we will discuss with you the possibility of having a consultation with our Adoption CAMHS team. For families with younger children, our support workers can offer practical parenting strategies and work with children.

For older children, and where things are very difficult we may be able to involve a worker from our PALs (Post Adoption Link-worker) scheme.

Your wellbeing as an adoptive parent is crucial to your ability to give your child the care they need and we try to ensure you are well supported.

Please do contact us with any questions and see the back page for how you can feedback your views on the service.

Pat Rajan

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Welcome to our 2014 Support After Adoption newsletter! With adoption support reforms on the horizon I would like to outline our current services for your family.

Welcome from the Adoption Service Manager

It has been another busy year for the Adoption Service in Nottinghamshire. Action on adoption remains a government focus, and during the past year we have introduced several reforms, the aim of which has been to find more adoptive families for more children.

We have a new two stage recruitment process, with a target timescale of six months in total, Nottinghamshire is meeting this in the vast majority of cases.

The number of children waiting has steadily reduced and we now take part in a range of activities for adopters to see the children needing adoptive homes. We also expect adopters to have direct access to the adoption register in future.

The Government is now considering adoption support, with the aim of every region having access to a range of specialist services, flexible to family needs.

Nationally figures show an increase in approved adopters, children placed with adopters, and children adopted, and Nottinghamshire figures also reflect this.

Shelagh Mitchell: Service Manager Adoption

Sam on adoptionA 21 year old adopted adult reflects on growing up adopted…..

Being a PALAfter serving 18 years in the prison service, I made the difficult decision to take voluntary redundancy in order to start a new chapter in my life. I had a few thoughts about how I could use the many transferable skills developed during my career, working with the most difficult and challenging sections of our community, but I didn’t really know what path I would take.

I saw an advert for a PALS worker on the Nottinghamshire County Council website and was attracted by the new challenge of working with young people and being able to make a positive contribution to our community. I applied for the position and was thrilled to be offered the post.

I have already started working with two young people in my role as a PAL and have thoroughly enjoyed the activities and work we have done together. The activities we have undertaken include dog walking, bowling, baking, gaming and shopping but I drew the line at free-running!!! I have built up positive relationships with them and I hope that the work we do together will be of benefit to them and their adoptive families in the future.

Darren: PALS Worker

SAA says….Thanks Darren, we are very pleased to have you and your new colleagues in the PALS Team. Welcome to Keith, Rebecca and Gavin too.

PALS is a service offered in very specific circumstances, usually where there are complex needs within an adoptive family combined with other issues. A PAL will be allocated following an Adoption Support Assessment if this is identified as a need.

I was taken into care at 9 months old because of neglect and physical abuse. My mum and dad adopted me when I was about two. To me, they are my “real” mum and dad. I feel happy, secure and loved in my family, but that has not stopped me being curious about my birth family, or wanting to connect with them too.

I didn’t know I was adopted until I was 10 years old. We had been doing a project at school about family trees and I realised that I didn’t know much about mine. I went home and asked my parents to help. It was then that they “dropped the bombshell” and showed me my life story book. I felt very confused and inquisitive. It made me feel empty and different to everybody else. I had a real mix of emotions about my birth mum. Sometimes angry, sometimes betrayed or rejected, or that I must have done something wrong to be put in care and adopted; there must be something bad about me! At other times I felt sorry for her and sad about her life and wondered if she felt guilty about what had happened.

Mum and dad only told me I had a birth sister when I was 13. It was another big shock. It made me confused and left me wondering what else they hadn’t told me, and if they were hiding anything else. I began to pull

away from them emotionally and it affected me at school where I got into a lot of trouble and could not concentrate. It’s difficult enough being a teenager, but with all my adoption stuff it made it impossible to concentrate.

I think my behaviour was to cover up my insecurities. I struggled to have close friends and felt like an outcast. When I told people about being adopted they seemed to think I had done something wrong to be put in care.

My top tip for adoptive parents is to be open and honest from day one. Talk to your kids about being adopted and about their birth family. Make our adoption stories part of everyday family life at home. We need to know. Don’t try to protect us from things you think might hurt us, just be there to help us whatever feelings we have and work it out with us. We won’t love you any less.

Since I reached 18, I have looked at my adoption files, this has really helped me to understand and put things into place more. I have decided to trace my birth mum. My parents are supporting me every step of the way and we are much closer because of the journey I am going on. I don’t want to replace them, they will always be my mum and dad, I just need to put all the pieces of my jigsaw together.

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Birth mothers of children removed through the care system often feel a sense of powerlessness; have patchy memories of events and dates; sadness on anniversaries; anger towards social workers; a yearning for information; fears about the child’s wellbeing and beliefs about reunions.

Brenda articulated many of these themes 13 years after her son was removed following a serious physical injury caused by her husband, Pete. Brenda had grown up in care and had some learning difficulties. Pete had mild learning difficulties but no history of violence.

‘It would have helped us to have someone there to bottle feed him and change his nappy- we were shattered. I tried to explain to Pete ‘You have to give him a cuddle.’

‘It is hard to talk about when baby Peter went into care. The day they took him away, it clicked that he was going to be adopted. Then I wanted to kidnap him because he’s our flesh and blood. We signed

under protest - they would have took us to court otherwise and I understood I’d never see him again until he’s 18.’

‘We coped by putting it to the back of our minds. Social services got what they wanted. They’re not bothered about parents, and I’m still angry now. I just want to see him. We weren’t allowed any photos or reports. We suffered for 13 years not knowing if he’s alive or dead, well or what.’

Anyone who asked me, I said he’d died. I do cry but usually the anger takes over. I feel helpless when my husband cries. It would be nice to see what he looks like, who he looks like. It would help us to feel contented but as long as he’s happy I’m not bothered. I don’t want him to go through what I went through.

I wrote a letter for his file and I told him he was named after his dad and I told him about Blackie (dog). It helped me to tell him those things. ‘I hope he’ll come and look for us. If the knock came on the front door, then I’d know he was

safe. I’d want to know about his adoptive parents, how they treated him. If he doesn’t come I will have to cope with it. The animals will keep me going. Because of what my husband did to Peter, I couldn’t protect him, but I can look after Blackie. Having Blackie took the part of the pain away.’

Birth parents losing children to adoption are now offered independent counselling and after the adoption order SAA provide support with Letterbox exchanges and other issues.

Losing a child to adoption

Hi, I’m Teresa, I have worked with Nottinghamshire County Council since 2002 and have been a qualified social worker for six years. I have a particular interest in working with teenagers and how the early childhood experiences, including before birth, impact on them during their teenage years.

I have 12 years experience of working with children, young people and families, most recently with the Looked After Children’s Team as a specialist 15+ worker.

I have expertise in life-story work and in working closely with carers to assess the needs of the family, which will be useful in my new role as a Support After Adoption social worker.

Welcome to Teresa Flear

One beautiful bright wintry morning in February, my husband and I set off early to attend a seminar at County Hall entitled ‘I can’t dance, don’t ask me’. We were made to feel welcome on our arrival with refreshments and introduced ourselves to the other attendees on our table.

The speaker was Sue Goulding and although there were many topics covered, including different types of attachment and parenting a traumatised child, I thought she engaged well with the audience. I found some of the subject matter to be quite heavy so I am glad she spoke in laymen’s terms.

We adopted our daughter when she was 7 months old and she is now 15 years old. We all try our best as parents but this day was a welcome opportunity to sit back, reflect and hopefully take away some things which will benefit our daughter.

Should you get the opportunity to attend in the future I would highly recommend you do and good luck on your parenting journey!

* feedback from a parent, real name not provided

If you would like to attend this training event or other training events, you can book a place via Adoption Home or Notts Adoption web-pages. http://www.nottinghamshire.gov.uk/

caring/children/adoption-and-fostering/adoption/adoption-

courses/

NEWS and REVIEWS

Horse riding, watersports, drum and dance workshops were just a few of the activities offered at the activity days for adopted young people aged 8-18 over the last year.

Here is some of the feedback:

‘ I had a great time - lots of things to do, you even get lunch’

I didn’t realise there were so many other adopted young people

‘ you can talk with other young people about adoption stuff without feeling weird’

This year we are piloting a transport scheme from the south of the county to the north (and vice versa) to help young people to attend the events. Details will be provided with the publicity. We are always looking for ways to improve the activity days we offer and are working with the young people to plan future days.

Watch out for our new event for 5-8s and their parents in August!

‘I Can’t Dance Don’t Ask Me’training by Sue Goulding *

On Saturday 8th March adoptive and fostering families joined staff from Adoption , Fostering, Family Learning, Youth Service and Libraries for a day of activities focussed on ‘Keeping Yourself Healthy.’

The day comprised:

• activities based around the book ‘Handa’s surprise’

• smoothie bike

• group discussion space for adoptive parents and foster carers

• family storytelling session

• children’s art and sport activities

• end of day presentations

Breakfast, lunch and tea were also provided as well as a free children’s book.

Here’s what people thought about the day:

• it was chance to meet other adoptive parents

• time to think about the emotional needs of my child and need to empathise more

• became more aware of the support available to adoptive families

Young People’s Events

Ten Till Tea event

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Jean Everington and Jackie Christodoulou are the Welfare Rights Officers. Their work includes initial financial assessments on adoption applications. They will look at adoption leave and pay, any benefits that can be claimed and any possible financial support.

They also take referrals from Support After Adoption and from adopters. This could include DLA (Disability Living Allowance) claims, problems with benefits, advice on benefits, and could involve home visits.

They run seminars on welfare rights, benefits and financial support. These seminars are advertised and are open to all adopters.

Benefit changes in 2013

DLA was replaced by PIP (Personal Independence Payment) for adults (aged 16 years plus). There will only be two rates of care, and awards will be based on a

points system. New claims will be affected immediately and existing cases will be migrated over gradually.

Means tested benefits (Income support, Job Seekers Allowance, Employment Support Allowance, Tax Credits, and Housing benefit) are to be replaced by Universal Credit (UC). This will affect claimants in work and on benefits. This should have started in October 2013 but there have been various delays.

Council Tax Benefit was abolished and replaced by a new system called Council Tax Relief. Everyone under pension age who receives help with council tax will be expected to pay a contribution.

Child benefit has reduced for those earning over £50,000 and will cease if one of a couple or a single person earns over £60,000 per annum.

If you have any questions, or need our support, please contact Jean or Jackie on 01623 476876.

Holly van Gulden’s life has been immersed in the company of adopted children. She grew up with the children her parents adopted and she went on to raise adopted children herself. The focus of Holly’s talk was the “to have and to hold of attachment”.

She said that attachments are basic sensory experiences comprising the five basic building blocks: safety, comfort, warmth, value and joy. These are important in developing and maintaining healthy attachments. However, it is the responsibility of the care giver to

initiate the process of experiencing positive attachments.

An interesting metaphor used by Holly is “the dance of attachment”. I took this to imply that not only do we have to do the right things but we have to do them in tune with the person with whom we are establishing an attachment. Basically, we need to dance together to form the beautiful movement of attachment over space and time.

The most poignant point for me was expressed as “the many parts of a person”. Holly told us that troubled people tend to view themselves from negative perspectives. For

instance, they could say, “I’m such a terrible person”. Holly points out to us that each person has many parts to them. Yes, they are terrible – sometimes. Also, they are very good - sometimes. We have to acknowledge many parts of the whole person and work holistically with them all.

There is so much more to Holly’s talk and I would whole-heartedly recommend spending time in her company. She has produced a series of accessible short videos on http://www.youtube.com/user/Adoptionfostering (use a browser to find this)

Allan: PALS worker

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Welfare Rights latest news

Feedback on recent Holly van Gulden training

Philomena - a film review

Philomena is a 2013 film about a tough-minded, elderly Irish woman, Philomena Lee (Judi Dench), and her battle to find out what happened to the baby boy taken away from her in the 1950s. As a teenage unmarried mother, she had been forced to put up her child for adoption.

Steve Coogan plays Martin Sixsmith who helps Philomena to trace her son with the aim of writing a book about this human interest story. In fact, the book focuses on the life lived by Philomena’s son and tells of the struggle he has to trust relationships and the need he has to ‘be good’ whilst seeing himself as bad. The film, on the other hand, has a gentle humour and concentrates on Philomena’s search for the truth and her relationship with Sixsmith.

(The Lost Child of Philomena Lee, Sixsmith,M, 2009, MacMillan)

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‘The things my mother

might have given me’

She might have given me my birthday parties,

dresses, white teddy bears.

A sugared orange, a taste for bitter chocolate,

the small pleasure of learning to burst bubble-wrap.

A few siblings, something essential like a name.

She might have given me a rope and pegs, To hold my tent steady in high winds.

Vanessa Gebbie

from ‘Chosen: Living with Adoption’, BAAF 2012

I contacted the Support After Adoption team who confirmed they had my file on record and advised me that I would be put on the waiting list. I was contacted in September 2013 by Trescia. She arranged to meet with me and explained her role and obtained my feelings regarding my adoption and my wishes to find Sally. My main wish was to be able to say “thank you” to Sally.

Trescia sent me some ‘tracing’ information, so I could start searching for my birth family. I also signed up to the Adoption Contact Register, in case Sally had done the same so a match could be made immediately but this was unsuccessful.

I then met with Trescia to go through my file to ensure I had all the information I needed. She confirmed they had found Sally, as she had also contacted them. Trescia checked that I was still sure I wanted to go ahead and confirmed they would contact Sally. I asked that Sally write a letter to me as I had no idea how to start our first conversation!

Trescia phoned me to let me know that Sally was ecstatic to hear I’d been in touch. When she emailed me Sally’s letter it was the most incredible, emotional experience of my life. I sent

my response as fast as I could so I didn’t keep Sally waiting.

Over the next few weeks, the team passed our letters back and forth. When I felt I wanted more direct contact, I gave Sally my email and telephone number. We met for the first time at the end of February 2014 and are both very aware of how lucky we are and are looking forward to the future.

* all names have been changed

I was placed with my adoptive family when I was one month old. I have always known why I was adopted and have always been very proud of my family. In April 2013, I decided to start the search for finding my birth mother, Sally*. My adoptive parents have always been very supportive, but after losing my adoptive mother to cancer in 2006 I was reluctant as I didn’t want to feel that I was trying to replace one mother with another. In 2013, after bereavement counselling, I decided it was the right time.

Reunion with my birth mother by Ciara*

A birth mother’s experience

Research on adoption disruptions

Signing the adoption papers was the hardest thing that I will ever have to do in my life. I was given information by my social worker of how to make contact easier should I wish to do so when my child turned 18. I always knew that day would come!

I worked for the local authority so was familiar with Support After Adoption service, and when my child reached 22 years old I started the process of searching for her. The enquiry did take some time to be dealt with as my child hadn’t reached 25 years and the service gave priority to older birth parents.

I shared “my story” with Carol, my social worker, who was sympathetic and supportive, never giving me false hope, only the facts. She started the procedure of searching for my daughter. Then the call came....my daughter had not only been found, but she was searching for me at the same time.

Carol suggested that I write to my daughter, which I did immediately. Never had I felt so many emotions, it was exhausting!

When I read what my daughter had written back to me, I could barely see through my tears, she was so happy and loving life and had the most amazing upbringing...I was ecstatic. Since then, we have written letters, emails and we text most days and have recently met up for the first time. Such an emotional and euphoric moment...a memory I will treasure forever! Although our lives have been lived apart we have found that many similarities do exist and she resembles me in so many ways. She is very much a part of our family and I look forward to an exciting future ahead.

Saying the words “thank you” are not large or sincere enough to Carole and Trescia (my daughter’s social worker) and also her adoptive family. I have my first born child back in my life, I now feel so happy and complete!

SAA says…

We understand that this process can be upsetting and worrying for adopters who are always very welcome to call us for support on 01623 437988

The University of Bristol recently conducted the first ever analysis of post order adoption outcomes and discovered that only 3.2% of adoptions break down. As well as looking at disruptions, the study’s focus was on adoptions that were in great difficulty. Professor Julie Selwyn who headed the study said: ‘The disruption rate was lower than expected. The reasons for that became obvious when we met the families whose commitment and tenacity was remarkable in very testing circumstances. We had not expected child to parent violence to feature so strongly in parental accounts of challenging behaviour. There is an urgent need for Children’s Services to develop support services for adopted teenagers and their parents and for mental health services for young people to be improved. Although disruptions were rare, the impact of a disruption was enormous.’

These comments very much reflect what we have learnt at Support After Adoption about the pressures faced by adoptive families, especially in children’s teenage years and we will be studying the outcomes closely to develop our services appropriately.

The study can be found at: http://www.bristol.ac.uk/sps/research/projects/current/projectrk7268/

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On 12th August 1988 I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. She was parted from me immediately, however this didn’t stop the bonding or the massive rush of love I had for her. It was decided that adoption was the only option as I was only 15 years old and had little to offer my precious child, who deserved to have the best.

Some children with a history of abuse, neglect and loss can present with a combination of sensory processing and attachment needs.

Their capacity to tolerate sensory stimulation from the environment can be affected and they may find everyday experiences overwhelming and unpleasant. This may evoke feelings of internal anxiety for the child, which may be displayed as angry, aggressive, withdrawn or compliant behaviour.

Children need support from adults and strategies to help them lessen their anxieties and be able to self regulate in these situations.

Some regulating and calming activities are:

• Chewy or crunchy foods or sweets

• Climbing• Being wrapped in a warm towel

or blanket• Extra heavy blanket on the bed• Digging in the garden• ‘Feely’ toy to hold or stroke• Swinging

(for withdrawn children)• Warm milk• Hot water bottle and soft blanket • Rocking games• Bouncing on a trampoline

(for children who freeze when anxious)

Useful Reading

Your Essential Guide to Understanding Sensory Processing Disorder - Angie Voss

Understanding your Child’s Sensory Signals - Angie Voss

Raising a Sensory Smart Child - Lindsey Biel

Books for children

The Scared Gang - Eadaoin Breathnach

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Supporting you… Hints & tips

Helping children manage sensory stimulation

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Be a good role model

From a young age children learn about acceptable behaviour by observing and copying their parents. The attitude you show towards alcohol and the way you drink has an influence on whether, or how, your child will drink in the future. Try to keep within the recommended guidelines for safer alcohol use of no more than 2-3 units a day for women and 3-4 units for men. However, if you do occasionally overindulge, use this to illustrate the potential downside of drinking too much.

Be factual

Children have many sources of information and they need someone that they can trust to give them accurate information and honest advice – you! Don’t use scare tactics, answer frankly.

It’s never too early to talk about alcohol

Children see alcohol and alcohol advertising from a very young age. So you can be discussing alcohol as soon as your child shows curiosity or asks questions. You can use things that crop up in everyday life – such as soaps, news items, things you see in general – to introduce the topic. Don’t forget to listen too!

What is their understanding about alcohol?

Where the adopted children’s birth parents have had problems with drink or drug addiction, these young people may have vulnerabilities which you and they need to understand and manage. So try to maintain the habit of talking to your child about alcohol as their views change as they get older, especially with peer pressure. Although it is important to start talking early, remember it’s never too late!

Set boundaries

Involve them in a discussion so they know that you have taken their views into account. But let them know that these are ultimately your rules – and they are for their safety!.

For further information on alcohol (including units) visit www.drinkaware.co.uk

How to Support Your Child with Responsible DrinkingBelieve it or not, nearly three quarters of children aged 9-17 would turn to their parents first for information and advice about alcohol. So hopefully these tips will help you discuss responsible drinking with your children.

Vicarious Trauma Vicarious trauma happens when we accumulate and carry the stories of trauma. Adoptive parents caring for children who have suffered from abuse and neglect are especially vulnerable.

When abuse and neglect occurs, it’s as if a pebble has been tossed into a pond, the effects rippling far beyond the original point of impact. The trauma that our adopted children have suffered touches all the people they are in direct contact with.

Stories of their suffering may start to fill you up and feelings of being overwhelmed, irritated, angry or withdrawn may develop, leading to low self esteem, emotional numbing, cynicism and loss of confidence. For you as parents, physical symptoms such as stress related illnesses, headaches or an impaired immune system are also common.

Suggested strategies begin with looking after yourself, trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle. A balance among activities, such as work, rest and play can be helpful, as can seeking compassionate support, connection and communication from others.

For further support/information contact Support After Adoption.

Beeston GroupA support group for adopters of children of all ages now meet informally in the Beeston area most Fridays and sometimes arrange activities for their children in school holidays. For further information please email Theorchard-oaksbranch@hotmail.co.uk

Parenting a teenager?Parents of teenagers have a new website they can access at http://thepotatogroup.org.uk/. Access to the closed Facebook group attached to this site is also available by contacting support.afteradoption@nottscc.gov.uk with your details.

Open forumFor adopters of all ages an open forum can be found at http://adopterssupportuk.freeforums.net/

Parenting advice for foster carers and adopters (PAFCA)This website is managed by Dr Amber Elliott, a psychologist

specialising in attachment. It is currently free to subscribe and provides resources and blogs for adopters. (www.pafca.co.uk) Find the link on Adoption Home news!

Books for children and for parentsStory telling can be an excellent way of helping children work through their feelings. There is a particularly useful collection of books by Margot Sunderland, a child psychotherapist and academic, which covers feelings of anger, anxiety, loss and low self esteem. Who could resist a book called ‘A Nifflenoo called Never mind’?!

Nottinghamshire libraries are increasing their adoption and fostering collection regularly and have recently added Attachment in Common Sense and Doodles, a jargon free guide to attachment, how to understand it and relevant parenting strategies by Miriam Silver (2012, Jessica Kingsley) . It contains experiences from her personal and her professional life as well as practical suggestions.

My name is Heidi and I live in the Ashfield area. I adopted my beautiful daughter two years ago and, until recently, was part of Adoption UK local group. Sadly, this group lost funding and is no more.

There is nothing quite like talking to other adopters about the challenges and successes we experience on a regular basis and with that in mind, I wondered if anyone would like to get in touch to share what works/what doesn’t, and explore issues such as contact, education and behaviour; arrange play dates for the kids or just have a coffee and a natter? Although incredibly rewarding, this journey can sometimes be isolating and lonely. I would love to hear from any like minded fellow adopters or future adopters with a view to supporting each other and our children.

If you are interested then please can you contact Noel Cooper on 01623 437231 or at: noel.cooper@nottscc.gov.uk

Adopters Support Groups

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Who am I?

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Where did I come from? Where do I belong? What matters to me?

These are questions we have all asked ourselves to make sense of ourselves and our place in the world. To achieve an identity we have to integrate various aspects of the self over different points in time. Our teens are times when we strive towards independence and autonomy and we begin to pull away from authority - parents and family in particular.

But it’s more complicated for adopted teenagers as there is another important component – the self as a family member, but which family? The one we know or the one we don’t know? ‘Who am I really?’ is a question which for adopted people there is often no good answer.

How can parents and others help?

• Adopted people who achieve an identity they can live with comfortably tend to be those whose families allow them to discuss adoption and how being adopted does or doesn’t fit into an overall sense of themselves.

• Talking to other adopted teenagers about what it means to be adopted is a way of confronting the issue more directly

• Searching for answers can be helped by getting more information from the adoption agency – answers to such questions as ‘Why was I abused?’

What if they are not talking?

A significant group of young people will deny that adoption means that much to them and will say they don’t really think about being adopted or wonder about their birth family. If there has been little discussion about adoption they may feel that to be too curious is to betray their adopters. They experience a strong sense of identity as a member of the family which precludes any sense of what it means to be adopted.

A sense of loss and bewilderment

Going through the process of identity formation can take on added pain – a sense of lost birth parents, but also a loss of part of themselves – feelings of being cut off from heritage, culture, race, can lead to a sense of ‘genealogical bewilderment’. We can think of examples of adopted young people, raised in a good standard home, who appear to seek out friends who are much closer in lifestyle to the birth family.

When things aren’t going well for the young person, it can be easy for them to blame adoptive parents and imagine their birth parents would understand them.

What do you do if your child is curious about birth family

Many adopted teenagers start to search for birth parents during adolescence. Social networking sites such as Facebook have made this much easier for them and the impact of these sites has been devastating for many adoptive families.

Steps Support After Adoption can help with include:

• Clarifying feelings about being adopted

• Obtaining more information

• Adjusting Letterbox arrangement to make it more a meaningful contact

Over the age of 18 adopted people can legally ask us for help with obtaining more information and support in making contact. We will also explore with them their feelings about being adopted.

Adoptive parents may have concerns and wonder if birth family members can ask us to make contact with the adopted person on their behalf. The answer is, yes they can, however unless there are exceptional circumstances we now do not contact adopted adults who are under the age of 25.

Ask us for help

We know any reconnection should be carefully planned. We can take an active role in managing everyone’s expectations at a safe time for all. We can offer support to all parties.

For help on this subject contact Support After Adoption on 01623 437988. For more information and useful reading go to our Identity room in Adoption Home.

by Sarah (14 years)

“Today we’re going to be thinking about genes and what we inherit

from our parents. Spend the next few minutes thinking about your-

self and your parents and make notes of what similarities you find.”

Funny, I’ve not thought about my Mum and Dad for months.

They’ve not entered my mind for ages. I‘ll have to visualise

their photos in my life story book. No - the photos are too

small, too distant. I can’t see them.

It’s science today. Good, I really like science. I hope

we’re doing a practical today. That’s my favourite thing

about science.

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their photos in my life story book. No - the photos are too

small, too distant. I can’t see them. small, too distant. I can’t see them.

“Sarah, did you hear anything I said?”

“No, Sir.”

“No, I thought not. See me after this class.”

Great - just what I needed!

I wonder what it would

be like if I lived with them now.

Did they both have blue eyes?... I think they did.

I wonder where they are now and what they’re doing …..

“Close your books cIass, we’ll continue next lesson.”

I shuffle along the corridor with my friends….. Maths next

Later...

I wonder if they remembered it was my

birthday last week.

She was blonde like me. He was darker.

I wonder if they’ve had any more children.

Meet the Adoption Support Workers

We are Andrea Lyle, Carolyn Makings and Sharon Saunders and we have over 75 years experience between us of working with children and families.

We are all trained in Theraplay and run seminars to train adopters in the use of how this can build relationships with children. We also use activities based on Theraplay in the home to support your family.

Carolyn attends the Activity Days and other Activity Events run by Support after Adoption.

Andrea will be facilitating an Incredible Years course with Leicestershire Coram, based in Shepshed starting September 2014 on Saturdays, with crèche facilities. This a 12 week course looking at behaviour management and parenting strategies.

It is also hoped that 2014 will see the start of monthly support groups aimed at 0-4 years and their parents to provide advice on parenting support, strategies for behaviour management, Theraplay, parenting with PACE and opportunity to meet other adopters and have fun!

If you would like to find out more about our groups or how we could support you please contact us on 01623 476876 or go to our room on Adoption Home.

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Please try to think less about managing my behaviour and more about reducing my anxiety

I learn much better when I feel safe – emotionally and physically.

I may act much younger than my years.

I’m not good with change or surprises. I need a timetable for my day, so I know what is coming next.

Please remember that you, me and my family are all doing our best. Don’t take my behaviour personally.

Let’s Learn Together can be found on Adoption Home in the Education Room.

You can share these tips with your child’s teachers every year when they begin a new class or just when you feel this is required. Or give them to family members or friends to help them be more mindful in relating to your child.

5 tips for teachers

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2

3 4

5

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Many of you will have now become familiar with the Virtual School for Nottinghamshire, however, for new adopters, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce ourselves.

The concept of the virtual school is well-established throughout the country. The government are also highlighting the importance of looked after children’s education by making the role of virtual schools statutory through the Children and Families Bill 2014.

The virtual school’s role is to monitor and track looked after children’s education and where appropriate, challenge and support all those involved in raising the outcomes of this most vulnerable group, including adopted children.

The virtual school is made up of myself, Co-ordinator, 3 Looked After Achievement Officers and part time support from a Senior Educational Psychologist. We are based in the Support to Schools Service and, most importantly, in the school improvement team. This team provides the virtual school with vital information on school standards and improvement enabling us to place our adopted children in the most appropriate schools to maximise their achievement.

The virtual school is here to help adopters and carers support their children and young people through the education system with additional opportunities and celebrating success or difficulties preventing engagement at school. We welcome contact directly or through your SAA social worker.

Sue Denholm - Virtual School Head Teacher. Contact me on 01623 434149

Update from the Virtual School

Developmental trauma within attachment relationships in early life can impact on children’s ability to make sense of themselves, others and the world around them. Children with experiences of trauma and abuse develop strategies to respond and interact with others in order to keep themselves safe. Within their adoptive families they need an experience of rebuilding a secure base relationship that is warm, empathic and emotionally connected.

CAMHS recently trained panel members and others to learn about the principles of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) which are an essential part of the therapeutic work we offer to families. We also covered the principles of PACE; Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy relevant to adopters for everyday parenting developed by Dan Hughes with a basis in attachment theory.

Read more about DDP, PACE and Adoption CAMHS in Adoption Home; Attachment and Trauma Room.

CAHMS training for adoption panels

Your views We are working with young people on a form for them to tell us their views when we have worked with your family. This adds to the feedback form on our website:

https://secure.nottinghamshire.gov.uk/social-care/support-after-adoption-feedback-form/

All information that we receive will be used to help us plan future services.

We would also love to hear from you if you have any comments or ideas about this newsletter. Please email us support.afteradoption@nottscc.gov.uk

Useful numbers

Support After Adoption phone line01623 437988Monday-Thursday 8.30am - 5pmFriday 8.30am - 4.30pm

Out of hours advice service0800 085 8995Monday to Friday: 6:00pm and 10:00pm Weekends and bank holidays: 10:00am - 10:00pm

Emergency Duty Team0300 456 4546Monday to Friday: 5:00pm - 8:30am Weekends: 4:30pm on Friday to 8:30am on Monday

Dates for your diary

For further information about these days and to book a place for your child please e mail either Allison.lindley@nottscc.gov.uk or Julianne.tring@notts.cc.gov.uk

Planning is already underway for this year’s events. Dates for your diary are:

8-12 year olds

31st July and

1st August 2014

30th October 2014

9th April 2015

8-12 year olds 13-18 year olds5th and 6th August 2014

13th December 201416th April 2015

For further information about these days

16th April 2015

Watch out for our new event for 5-8s and their parents on August 7th!

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W nottinghamshire.gov.ukE supportafteradoption@nottscc.gov.ukT 01623 437988 Monday - Thursday 8:30am - 5:00pm Friday 8:30am - 4:30pm

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