Night of the Living Eastenders

Night of the Living Eastenders

By

James Field

All characters created and owned by the BBC.

This is Satire!

(c) James Field 2013 Twitter: @my_name_is_jim

INT. THE QUEEN VIC, NIGHT

The Queen Vic pub is full, with PEGGY MITCHELL back in town

to celebrate her son PHIL’s birthday. All the usual faces

are present - ALFIE, KAT, DOT, BILLY, IAN, JANINE, BIANCA,

CAROL, FATBOY, PATRICK, DAVID WICKS, ROXY, RONNIE, TIFFANY

AND SONIA

Peggy stands front and center of the bar, with a spoon

raised to her glass. She chimes it three times.

PEGGY

Can I please have all of your

attention?

The patrons of the Queen Vic all stop talking, the music

lowered. They all have glasses of Champagne, which has a

suspicious green tone,

PEGGY

Ladies and Gents, I’d like to thank

you all for coming tonight, to help

me and my family celebrate the

birthday of my darling son Philip

Phil looks embarrassed, going his trademark red-faced.

PEGGY

Before that, I’d just like to thank

Ian for bringing in the Champagne,

which is all on him!

Everyone cheers. Ian smiles, a smug expression on his face.

Phil sends a cold stare.

PEGGY

Now, we all know the ups and downs

that Phil’s gone through over the

last few years, but I hope that

you’ll join me in raising a glass.

To Phil!

EVERYONE

To Phil!

Just as punters are about to take a sip of drink, SHIRLEY

bursts through the door. She’s clearly drunk.

The sound of her coming through the door makes people

visibly put down their glasses of Champagne, including

PATRICK, ALFIE, DAVID, MO, FATBOY, and PHIL.

Ian pours his Champagne away, into the soil of a house

plant.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

Shots of BILLY, RONNIE, ROXY, CAROL and BIANCA all taking

sips of the booze, amongst others. Bianca gives TIFFANY a

sip too.

SHIRLEY

You!

PEGGY

Not now, Shirley. Can’t you see

that we’re celebrating here. With

family and friends

PHIL

Mum, I’ll sort this. Leave it out

SHIRLEY

Yeah, you old witch. Leave it out.

I need to talk to your darling boy

Peggy sees red.

PEGGY

GET OUT MY -

Phil cuts her off, before she can say her iconic

catchphrase.

PHIL

Mum, I said I’ll sort it. Everyone,

get out... Party’s over

Groans from the rest of the Vic.

BILLY

What about all the booze, Phil?

PHIL

Take it, I don’t care. Ian paid for

it all.

Billy grabs as many bottles of Champagne as he can handle.

He tries to give one to DOT.

DOT

Oh no, William,I don’t dare touch

the thing. I’ll stick with my

sherry

Everyone piles out of the Queen Vic. Ian’s the last to

leave, looking nervous.

3.

EXT. BILLY MITCHELL’S HOUSE, DAYTIME

MO is stood outside, knocking on Billy’s door.

She peeks through the letter box, shouting through.

MO

Oi, Billy. We’re late! You said

you’d take me down the Supermarket

at eleven. It’s one!

The door creaks open. It’s been left ajar.

INT. BILLY’S HOUSE

Empty bottles of Champagne litter the house, which Mo steps

over.

MO

Billy? Billy where are ya? Your

house is a right state

She hears some commotion from upstairs, as a glass bottle

falls over. She follows the noise.

MO

Billy?

His bedroom door is ajar. She opens it up, and Billy is

lying in his bed. He’s facing the wall, so she can’t see his

face.

MO

Billy, what’s wrong? Are you ok?

Suddenly he turns round, his eyes a pale yellow and his face

zombified. He growls, and MO screams.

EXT. BILLY MITCHELL’S HOUSE

No one hears the scream, and everyone on the market goes

about their usual business.

INT. THE QUEEN VIC, NIGHT 2

The Queen Vic is mostly empty, with only a few people left,

including PATRICK, ALFIE, IAN and FATBOY

Phil stands behind the bar, with TRACY. She starts to rub

her stomach, as it growls loudly.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

PHIL

It’s alright, Trace. Pub’s dead

anyway, and Mum’s gone into town.

TAKE the night off if you don’t

feel well

Tracy goes to speak.

PHIL

I don’t want to hear another word.

Come on, sling your hook

Tracy walks off into the background, and we hear the side

door go as she exits.

Phil turns to Patrick, who’s sat at the bar.

PHIL

Is there something else on tonight

that I don’t know about?

FATBOY

There’s a big night on at E20, but

that’s tomorrow

ALFIE

Where’s our invites?

FATBOY

Look, I don’t wanna offend anyone,

but it’s for young blood only

An ambulance siren can be heard in the background.

ALFIE

I’ll go have a look, see what’s

going on

EXT. ALBERT SQUARE, OUTSIDE THE QUEEN VIC

Alfie runs outside, closely followed by Fatboy. He sees the

ambulance workers and police enter Max’s house. Kat’s

outside

ALFIE

(To Kat)

What is it, darlin’?

KAT

It’s Max. He’s dead!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

ALFIE

What? How?!

The ambulance workers carry out her body on a stretcher, all

covered up.

Onlookers are upset, some crying.

KAT

(Doubling over in pain)

Blimey, my stomach feels like it’s

on fire

ALFIE

You want me to get someone?

KAT

No, it’ll pass. Probably something

I ate from the Argee Bhajee

ALFIE

Alright. Come on, let’s get out of

here. Give ’em some space.

As Alfie and Kat walk through the Square, we see that many

of the houses have open doors. A few empty bottles of the

Champagne are lying in the street.

INT. DARK ROOM, NIGHT

A person is eerily shrouded in front of religious

paraphernalia. The elderly hand lights several candles,

while mumbling incoherent religious verse.

INT. KIM’S HOUSE

Kim, still in her pajamas and dressing gown, walks out of

her bedroom and into the bathroom. The door’s open, the

light’s on and the sink is going.

KIM

(Shouting)

I’m gonna kill whoever left the

power on in ’ere. You know how much

the bills are nowadays?

She picks up a toothbrush, and as she looks in the mirror

notices a person in the shower behind her. We can’t see the

person’s features. They’re moaning.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

KIM

If you want privacy, close the door

next time, yeah?

She walks downstairs and the place looks like it’s been

ransacked.

KIM

Oh no you didn’t...

She observes the mess, looking frustrated.

KIM

Denise! Patrick! We’ve been robbed!

No one replies.

She walks over to phone the police, dialing 999 - but

there’s no dial tone. She throws the phone to the floor in

anger.

She walks to close the door, but stops to notice that the

square is empty - save for Masood, who is stood in the

middle of the road, facing away.

EXT. ALBERT SQUARE

Kim ties up her dressing gown, and stomps down towards him.

KIM

’ey, Masood. I’ve only been bloody

robbed. I went downstairs and all

my stuff’s everywhere. And now the

phone won’t work. Can I come and

use yours?

Masood is staring off into the distance, his face still away

from the camera.

KIM

Oi, Masood. Did you hear what I was

saying? Don’t be rude -

She turns him around, to see a fully zomified face. He has

blood around his mouth, and all down his front.

Kim screams, running in the opposite direction and towards

the Queen Vic.

KIM

Help me God, it’s the apocalypse! I

don’t wanna be eaten by a zombie.

I’m too beautiful to die!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

From other directions come other zombified characters that

have been alerted with her screams - TAMWAR, JACK and

DENISE.

She stops in the middle of the road once she spots Denise.

KIM

Are you wearing my shoes? They

better not be my shoes

Zombie Denise snarls, and Kim screams once more, running

towards the Queen Vic.

EXT. QUEEN VIC, DAY

She approaches the door of the Queen Vic - it’s windows

covered in wooden panels.

KIM

(As she approaches)

Phil! Peggy! Tracy! Let me in!

She bangs on the door. More zombies have appeared, walking

slowly towards her. The noise continues to attract them.

Just as zombie Tamwar approaches, the door flies open and

two arms pull her inside.

INT. QUEEN VIC, DAYTIME

Phil quickly shuts the doors behind her, bolting it shut.

KIM

I don’t know if you lot know, but

Albert Square’s just been taken

over by zombies

We see Ian, Patrick, Mo, Lauren, Alfie and David - all

looking shell-shocked, and covered comically with blood, and

their clothes roughed up.

DAVID

We’ve all lost people

KIM

What?

LAUREN

The zombies... they attacked all

our families

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

PATRICK

How are you still alive? I tried to

wake you up in the middle of the

night, and I thought you were dead!

KIM

I’m a heavy sleeper

IAN

(Panicked)

Have you been bit?

KIM

Ian, I don’t care if you’re alive

or a zombie, but I don’t give this

up for free

LAUREN

That’s a no, then

KIM

I need a drink

She walks round to the bar, starting to help herself.

PHIL

(Sarcastically)

Make yourself at home

She goes to pour the last of a bottle of Ian’s Champagne,

but smells it first and grimaces.

KIM

What the hell is this? It’s well

off

MO

Weren’t you at Phil’s Party?

KIM

No way! Sorry Phil, just ain’t my

style

ALFIE

Ian, where did you get the booze

from again?

Ian stutters, trying to explain himself but can’t get words

out.

IAN

Well... My finances haven’t exactly

been good recently. The economy,

you know?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

PHIL

(Unimpressed)

Go on

IAN

And...and well I owe some guys some

money. So they said I could have my

debt reduced if I took some stuff

off their hands

DAVID

What "stuff?"

IAN

Some fish, Champagne, choc-

MO

Don’t you think it’s a coincidence

that this starts happening around

the same time we drink your dodgy

gear?

IAN

But when they said it might have a

bit of an aftereffect, I thought

they meant a hangover or something

DAVID

Wait a minute. Hands up, who here

drank the Champagne?

Nobody puts their hand up.

ALFIE

(Solemnly)

Well I know Kat did. I didn’t fancy

it - can’t stand the stuff

Everyone turns to Ian, who looks scared for his life. Phil

throttles him, holding him against the wall by the scruff of

his neck.

PHIL

I’m gonna kill you, Beale. Once and

for all, I’m gonna kill you.

IAN

(Begging for his life)

No... Phil... It was a mistake...

Please

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

LAUREN

Oh my god

They turn to look at the television, which shows a

newsflash:

NEWS PRESENTER

Access to and from the East-End of

London has been prohibited by the

Government, and is under Military

surveillance. Details are still

unclear at this time, but reports

on social media suggest that a

deadly virus has killed at least

seven people.

MO

A virus? This ain’t no bloody

virus. This is the end of the

world.

Phil grabs Ian once more. He drags him along the floor, as

Ian protests, and towards the front doors. He opens the

door, and chucks Ian face-first outside.

EXT. ALBERT SQUARE, OUTSIDE THE QUEEN VIC, DAY

Ian falls to the floor. He looks up, and sees Phil’s face

looking down at him.

PHIL

See you in hell

IAN

Phil! Please, no!

The door locks and shuts. Ian has been left alone to die.

He gets up onto his feet, quickly evading zombie BILLY, who

launches towards him. He runs away, navigating around

several zombies, and towards the park in the middle of

Albert Square.

INT. QUEEN VIC, DAYTIME

Phil dusts his hands off.

PHIL

Good riddens

Alfie turns the volume up on the TV

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

PHIL

Keep it down. Mum, Ronnie and Roxy

are still in bed. They’re...

(He realises what could be

happening)

...not feeling well

Alfie turns the volume down slightly. The news reporter

starts to talk again.

NEWS PRESENTER

We’re just getting in reports that

there’s been another outbreak in

the Greater Manchester area. On

Twitter, there are people

suggesting a link to imported

alcohol. More as we have it.

ALFIE

We’re screwed

INT. DARK ROOM

Return to the dark room, with curtains closed. It’s fairly

obvious that it’s Dot’s house.

Still not seeing her face, we hear her praying to God. She

mentions "End of Days".

Her arms reach down, as she picks up an axe.

EXT. ALBERT SQUARE

Ian runs past more zombies, heading towards the Square’s

park.

The park’s empty, apart from young Tiffany, who’s sat alone

on a swing. Her face is downwards, so we can’t see her

expression.

IAN

(To Tiff)

Tiff - what are you doing here? Get

back in your house!

Tiff says nothing. She continues to stay silent.

IAN

Oi, I’m talking to you

She ignores him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

IAN

Like mother like daughter. Sod you,

then!

He turns away, and behind him is zombie BIANCA. She growls,

ready to pounce. He pushes her away, only to turn around and

be confronted with zombie Tiffany, who’s smiling.

His screams echo through the square.

INT. QUEEN VIC, NIGHT

Peggy walks downstairs and into the pub, where Phil, Mo,

Alfie, David, Kim and Patrick are stood around. David is

peeking through a gap in the wooden panels that block the

windows, with binoculars.

PEGGY

What’s the latest?

DAVID

The Square’s packed full of ’em

now.

CUT TO: ALBERT SQUARE, NIGHT

Zombies roam the streets. JACK, THE MASOODS, CAROL, BIANCA,

DENISE, SHARON and TIFFANY are all visible

CUT TO: QUEEN VIC, NIGHT

DAVID

Wait a minute. I can see someone...

they’re alive!


In one of the adjacent windows, David can see Fatboy in the

window of the Cafe. There’s a flickering light, and he’s

waving for help.


KIM

Gimme those

She snatches the binoculars and uses them.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

KIM

It’s Fatboy!

(Shouting)

We’re coming for you, Fatboy

The doors start to rattle; her loud voice attracting the

zombies

EVERYONE

(Shhhh)

PHIL

Right, we need to split up. Mum -

you, Kim, Mo and Lauren stay here.

Patrick, Alfie, David. We’ll go and

get Fatboy from the Cafe

MO

Ain’t no way you can get there

without some kind of distraction

Suddenly, in the background, a trumpet can be heard playing

- badly.

LAUREN

What’s that racket?

DAVID

Sounds like a trumpet

Mo takes the binoculars and looks out into the Square.


In the middle of the square is SONIA JACKSON. She’s stood

playing her trumpet, loud and proud. She pauses to give the

Queen Vic residents a thumbs up, and continues.


PATRICK

Well...That was unexpected

ALFIE

Right then, let’s go

PHIL

(To Peggy)

You gonna be alright, Mum?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

PEGGY

Tough as old boots, me

Suddenly there’s a noise from upstairs. It sounds as if

furniture has toppled over

PHIL

You lot go without me. I’ll go and

check on Roxy and Ronnie

EXT. ALBERT SQUARE, OUTSIDE THE QUEEN VIC, NIGHT

The three men exit the Queen Vic - David, armed with a pool

cue; Alfie, armed with a cricket bat; Patrick, armed with a

lump of wood.

In the background Sonia continues to play her trumpet,

distracting the zombies while the three men sneak past.

As the door of the Vic slams shut, Zombie Bianca hears the

noise - and turns to head towards the pub.

INT. QUEEN VIC, UPSTAIRS

Phil creeps up the stairs.

PHIL

(Calling out)

Girls?

There’s no response.

PHIL

Roxy? Ronnie? You awake?

Another piece of furniture smashes. He walks slowly towards

the door, taking out a key and carefully unlocking the door.

INT. QUEEN VIC, LOUNGE

Phil enters the room. Standing in front of him is Zombie

ROXY.

The door closes shut behind him, revealing Zombie Ronnie

He swings the baseball bat, missing Ronnie and smashing a

lampshade. As he goes for another swipe, Roxy bites him on

the neck. Phil yelps in pain.

15.

INT. QUEEN VIC, DOWNSTAIRS

The front doors of the Vic are starting to rattle, as

Zombies start to attack.

PEGGY

(Shouting)

Phil! Phil!

MO

Don’t go up there, Peg. He’s a

tough boy, he can handle himself.

One of the exposed windows smashes, and Zombie Bianca’s head

is poking through.

BIANCA

(In a deep zombie growl)

Rickayyyyyyy

Mo grabs chair, walking up to her face with confidence.

MO

Shut your maaaaf

She swings and smashes the bar stool over Bianca’s face.

KIM

That shut her up

EXT. CAFE

Fatboy is in the window. As Patrick, David and Alfie

approach, he unlocks the door and lets them in.

Alfie smashes his pool cue round the face of a generic

zombie, and David attacks another with the cricket bat.

INT. CAFE

FATBOY

I’ve never been so glad to see you

lot. Sorry I said you were old. You

kicked zombie arse!

PATRICK

Have you been bitten?

FATBOY

No, I’m alright

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

DAVID

The trumpet’s stopped - we better

go

EXT. CAFE

As they hurry out of the Cafe, a group of zombies appears

from nowhere - it’s the Masoods.

FATBOY

(Screaming)

Leave me alone!

Fatboy starts running away, in the opposite direction to the

Queen Vic.

ALFIE

(Calling out)

Fatboy! You’re running in the wrong

direction!

DAVID

Leave him, we gotta go back.

The men run towards the Vic.

EXT. E20

Fatboy runs towards the E20 club. The lights are on, and

music’s coming from inside.

The door’s unlocked, and he goes inside.

The nightclub lights are flashing, and he can see lots of

people on the dance-floor.

He closes the door behind him, gasping for air in relief. He

locks the door.

FATBOY

(Facing the door, as he locks

it, and shouting over the

music)

I’m glad the party’s still going on

in here. You wouldn’t believe

what’s going on out there!

He turns round, and the dance-floor is full of the teenage

characters - all zombies.

Fatboy screams, as the zombies all pounce.

17.

INT. QUEEN VIC, DOWNSTAIRS

Phil climbs down the stairs, his neck bleeding heavily.

Peggy hears the commotion. She and Lauren run to his aid.

PEGGY

No... Not my boy

They help Phil to his feet.

PHIL

I’m alright, Mum

LAUREN

What happened?

The door upstairs is banging, with Ronnie and Roxy growling.

PHIL

The girls... They’ve turned

As they bring Phil into the Vic, Mo lets Alfie, Patrick and

David into the pub.

KIM

What happened to Fatboy?

ALFIE

We got attacked. He ran in the

opposite direction

KIM

We gotta go and get him

PATRICK

No, we have to stay here. We might

be the only ones left in Walford.

Maybe the country.

KIM

(Sarcastically)

Alright, Patrick. Drama Queen.

EXT. ALBERT SQUARE, NIGHT

A taxi pulls into the Square. The camera pans up to reveal

ZOE SLATER (Michelle Ryan).

TAXI DRIVER

(Nervously)

You’re sure you wanna be dropped

off here?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

ZOE

It’s my home. I gotta help ’em

TAXI DRIVER

Your funeral!

She steps out of the car, and goes to pay - but the taxi

speeds off.

She reaches behind her, pulling out a machete.

Zombies walk towards her, and she takes out several

nondescript characters.

She turns around to see ZOMBIE KAT SLATER. Zoe drops her

weapon, scared at what she sees before her.

ZOE

You’re...You’re not my mother

KAT

(In a zombie drawl)

Yes I am

Kat lunges towards her, and Zoe screams

INT. QUEEN VIC, NIGHT

The doors and windows look like they may break at any point,

with the weight of hundreds of Zombies trying to enter.

Patrick is trying to dress Phil’s wound, who’s laying on the

top of the bar.

PHIL

Alfie, David - pile up some of the

tables around the windows. Block as

much as you can

Before they can do so, the upstairs door can be heard

breaking.

MO

They’re everywhere. We’re screwed

PATRICK

We need to arm ourselves

From the side of the bar, someone slowly rises from the

side. Everyone looks over, in fear.

It’s SHIRLEY. She growls.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

KIM

(Shouts)

Zombie Shirley!

Kim runs over with a plank of wood and smacks Shirley round

the face. It’s not strong enough of a hit to do any damage.

SHIRLEY

(Howling in pain)

What did you do that for?

KIM

I thought you was a Zombie! You

look...

SHIRLEY

A what? What you on about? I’m just

hungover, that’s all

She looks round to survey the damage.

SHIRLEY

(To Peggy)

I see you’re still alive then

PEGGY

At least I look it

SHIRLEY

(To Phil)

Jesus, Phil. Thought you were

tougher than that


The Zombies collapse into the Vic, bursting through the

doors and windows.

PHIL

Get ready. It’s them and us, and I

don’t wanna go down without a fight

Everyone arms themselves with a weapon. They start hitting

the Zombies, but they’re outnumbered.

ZOMBIE TRACEY appears, and mumbles a zombie growl at Alfie,

who smacks her with a bar stool.

ALFIE

That’s the most she’s said in years

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

A generic Zombie approaches Peggy, who stands resilient

behind the bar. The tries to attack Phil, who is losing

consciousness.

PEGGY

(Shouting)

That’s it. I’ve had enough!

She reaches under the bar and pulls out a shotgun. She

blasts the zombie in the face.

PEGGY

(As she shoots more zombies)

Get out of my pub. Go on, get out!

Phil grabs Peggy’s arm, and she turns to him.

PHIL

When I turn... I need you to end it

PEGGY

No, Phil... I can’t

PHIL

Yes you can. You have to

PATRICK

(Shouting, to Phil)

Phil, watch out!

ZOMBIE IAN BEALE grabs Phil, dragging him off of the bar.

Everyone else is too preoccupied with their own battles to

help.

Phil falls to the ground. He kicks Ian away, who stumbles

back.

In pain, Phil pulls himself to his feet.

Zombie Ian growls.

PHIL

You’re barred

He grabs the Queen Vic bust and smashes it over Ian’s head,

which explodes. Phil passes out.

The survivors continue to fight the hordes.

Lauren screams in pain, as she’s bitten by ZOMBIE BILLY.

David is mauled by ZOMBIE CAROL.

The survivors are clearly outnumbered, and they’re all

cornered. There’s no hope left, until...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

A mysterious hooded figure walks through into the Queen Vic,

silently behind the zombies. They’re wearing religious

paraphernalia around the neck.

HOODED FIGURE

(Religious verse)

They swipe the heads off of several zombies, using an axe

HOODED FIGURE

(Religious verse)

They take more down.

HOODED FIGURE

(Religious verse)

The hooded figure assists the survivors in ridding of the

rest of them.

The survivors look at the hooded figure, who takes the hood

off to reveal DOT COTTON. Everyone is shocked.

Peggy runs over to Phil, sobbing. Patrick passes her the

shotgun.

ALFIE

Dot, you saved us... Thank you

Dot remains silent. She reaches into her pocket and calmly

lights a cigarette. She looks down to survey the carnage.

She exhales.

DOT

I best go open up the

launderette... ’cause Walford needs

cleaning up

She walks out of the Vic and to the outside world. In the

background we hear a gunshot.

THE END

Documents

Night of the Living Eastenders