!!!!!!!!!!for Jami

intro!!one weird thing about this book is it was written mostly over a year ago!some parts of this book were a lot more recent!the timeline doesnt matter though!the theme of the book is the feelings, not the facts of my life!!also, its a little weird looking back, how much I was into Heidegger!I dont know if I was necessarily into Heidegger!and now I feel a lot more conflicted about the nazi aspect!but at the time I was severely depressed,!I was reading Being and Time for class!I had to read the whole thing by the end of the term!so while I was going thru bad feelings,!I would read Being and Time because I had to!and it was like watching Dr Phil or somethingsoothing!in a way I cant describe!!also this book was written by college me!and now I am college graduate me!I am not depressed in the same way I was back then!and although being an adult is pretty crappy in a lot of ways!please dont worry about me because I dont feel!a lot of these negative emotions anymore :)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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one night, after a big house party at my then-girlfriends house, I laid in bed and felt very sad about nothing in particular. Feeling sad without any object of sadness implies depression but I wasnt depressed. I was just really sad!!So I went out on the porch and read Being and Time. I brought water out with me. It was freezing cold. I started feeling happier, but not really. After a long time, I went back to bed and watched an episode of Cheers, which kind of helped too. I was finally able to go to sleep, once the sun was nearly up, even though I still felt sad!!At the time, I had a theory about this sadness. When I worked at the amusement park, I would get a similar sadness after every shift, because I would shut my brain off while working. I would spend all day doing menial labor and being degraded by customers. Then Id get off work and feel really sad all at once!!It was a fun party overall, I guess. But back then, I had a lot more feelings of anxiety. I couldnt handle being around that many people I didnt know well. Also, there was a lot of dancing and I didnt really want to dance. My tremors get hella bad and my chest felt tight. Normally, I have one foot in introspective #emoboi mode, so when Im in a situation where I cant feel, once Im alone and can feel again, it washes over me, hard!!At the time, that was my theory about the sadness. Now, I dont think that is why I felt so sad exactly. Due to a combination of a bunch of little things that night, I realized on a subconscious level that it was imminent that me and my then-girlfriend were going to break up. I cant really pinpoint what they were, I just knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Adorno says film fails as a visual medium because almost all films cant survive with audio. I think this is a pretty ignorant view as in, its a misunderstanding of the function of film (why would he assume music isnt as much an inherent property of film as the visuals?)!!however, if we buy into this idea, consider this: sitcoms dont use music. i mean, they do, but not in an essential part, only during transitions and the intro really!!consider a spectrum, with language on the conceptual side of the spectrum and music on the abstraction side of the spectrum. It would look something like this:!!!!this would mean that sitcom television (and to an even greater extent, pro wrestling), uses something much closer to conceptualization in place of instrumental abstraction!!laughter, cheering, booing etc, are nearly like regular language, instead of music, which is abstract. We know what booing expresses, we know what cheering expresses etc. These types of communication take the place of music in sitcoms and pro wrestling!!laughter transcends the arbitrary nature of language, making it one of the closest non-verbal expressions to the nature of visual media. also, theres a direct correspondence between the outside (laughter) and inside (meaning of the laughter). In other words, laughter is a direct, non-socialized means of expressing what is inside of us!!also I have no idea what Im talking about, Im just musing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Does anyone know this feeling like of intense isolation? Like, you walk around and you feel like an outsider, or a fraud. You are pretending to be part of society, but at any moment, someone could realize that you arent. And when you talk to people, you feel a barrier, like youre trying to assimilate into the culture, but it wont work!!I feel like that sometimes and I feel that way now. I dont feel good, I am a stranger, I am depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I feel lonely sometimes, even though I have some really great friends. Since Ive been in Portland, there are a decent amount of people that I wanted to be friends with, or better friends with, and it doesnt seem they feel the same!!My life has been hard since I moved to Portland. I wonder sometimes if I should have gone to the community college and got a graveyard job like a lot of my high school friends. I feel like I will be friends with my high school friends forever. I always felt like I had such a firm place in Auburn. In Portland, it feels hard truly meshing with other people with ease. Theres exceptions, but just generally!!I always had so many friends in high school, like so many. I was popular, and not like preppy popular, but popular as in I had a lot of friends and was social. In Portland I often feel like a stranger!!Honestly though, I cant emphasize enough, that if youre my friend in Portland, and youre like hey what the hell!, then, Im not talking about you!!Having bipolar disorder is also something thats just straight up terrible. Sometimes I romanticize it to myself, because honestly, there are ~some~ benefits (almost exclusively small benefits, that only pertain to creative endeavors). But honestly, it really sucks!!Being depressed is terrible, as Im sure some of you know. It especially sucks when it is so deep and dark, like it is right now. Being manic also is pretty bad sometimes, although its much better. I have lost my temper with people I care about when I was having a hypomanic episode, that I really regret. Even asking for them to forgive me after the fact doesnt help!!But even though Im emotionally unstable, and really conflicted, I am happy. I am happy when I am sad, or angry, or hateful, or scared. Im usually not happy when Im anxious or panicking, but Im trying to learn to be happy then!!I think about dying a lot, and it gives me a good feeling. That sounds really emo..but I think about dying, and then think about how I dont want to.die at all, and Ive never wanted to die. If Ive never wanted to die, then things cant be that bad. But I know that someday I will die, and that is okay with me, because I love the world and my life!!The world has been there for me, in some form or another, even when an aspect of the world, or a lot of aspects, or seemingly most aspects of the world have turned from me. Something in the world is always there and I love everything for that!!Anyway, Im tired and have to do homework!!!!!!!!!

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Uncrustables do have crusts. Not in a traditional bread crust sense, but that edge lining the sandwich disc is still a crust!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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On watching people sleep!!If you are good friends with me, youve probably heard me talk about the sad, but beautiful feeling. Like, a feeling where you have a clarity and contentment about the world. And things seem so beautiful, but you arent joyous, you just observe. In some way, it feels sad that youre aware of this beauty but arent joyous. But somehow it feels even better to let this beauty wash over you, rather than to think/feel about it!!I will add some context before I get to the part about watching people sleep!!Im reading The Concept of Anxiety by Kierkegaard, and he wrote something (tangentially) about this. For context, he writes that humans are psychological and physiological, and through the synthesis of psychology and physiology, we yield S P I R I T ! Then he goes on to say that Greek art (and presumably non-Greek art thats in that tradition) is beautiful but has a sort of sadness to it!!Kierkegaard thinks that Grecian art is beautiful and sad because it isnt playing off of the dialectic that creates spirit. So in Greek art, we witness a parallel physicality and psychology that arent really ~synergized~ into spirit!!He says that a perfect example in this trajectory is Sleeping Venus by Giorgione (although that is right in the middle of Christian Europe - spatially and temporally). And he says the beautiful sadness is highlighted because when we sleep, our spirit (in the way Kierkegaard uses that word) is least noticeable!!NOW IS THE PART ABOUT SLEEPING!!I think watching people sleep is a really powerful thing. It is a very intimate thing. It is watching them as a complete being that isnt constantly trying to synthesize them self. It is vulnerable!!I think if you asked most people hey, would you mind if someone watched you sleep in the night? you dont know them, but theres 0% risk theyll steal something and youll never know they were there, I imagine most people would emphatically say no and be kind of repulsed!!It is sad and beautiful because its the parts of everything we always know, but we have no expectation, and theres no mediation. It just is!!So, now I have to think more about why unmediated physicality and psychology (or body and mind) seems to evoke this feeling Why do I feel the feeling described when I see someone sleeping? What is it about sleeping?!!!!!!!!!

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My beautiful boy Brutus is on his way to be put down. He has been very sick but especially sick yesterday afternoon. We brought him inside and he just wanted to be in the tub for some reason. He laid in there most of the night and most of today. I only really slept from like 4AM to 7AM because Id keep checking on him. I am so shocked he didnt pass from natural causes because he was in such rough shape. For that reason, I feel really awful that he is only now being taken to the vet :(!!But he was such a good nice kitty. He loved people and other animals. He was playful and cute. Im so glad I was here for his last moments, singing to him and telling him hes a beautiful boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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sappiness incoming!!sorry for being sentimental/like a middle schooler who just got into thinking poetically!!But I have been thinking about a distinct feeling I have a lot. I feel like I give parts of myself to people. It feels like a metaphysical giving over of part of my self. I dont actually give anything to anyone. Theres nothing notable in these interactions either, where Im leaving parts of myself. Its just how I think about it!!It maybe a bad perspective to think one is giving part of themselves away. But also I think ideas are, in their own way, a type of technology and people dont have ideas unless theyre useful to them. The people Im thinking of have no idea that I think this way.!!One time I talked to a Dutch women at a bus stop in Seattle for 20+ minutes one time, and I feel I gave her a big part of myself. Its also very likely she doesnt think about me!!Idk why it feels good to think that way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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yesterday in class, I was saying that Heideggers idea of authenticity has a dialectical aspect to it, although it seems Heidegger wants to keep that under wraps. Then I said, that might be part of why Heideggers idea of authenticity feels stale and German today!!Then my prof kinda laughed and was like, we wont use German as a term of abuse in this class!!!but what he doesnt get is when it comes to philosophy I always mean German as a compliment !!I also find it funny that in academia, German just kinda functions as a stand in word for Kantian or Hegelian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Been feeling the sad-but-beautiful feeling so much!I know Im depressed, like I feel categorically depressed!and I know even more because I was hypomanic last week!but I even feel some overlap from that emotional state!like Im having delusions of grandeur a lil bit!and Im feeling so creative and writing poems non-stop!its not a super sad depression either!its the sad-but-beautiful feeling!I keep thinking about people, and how they fit into the world outside of my personal world!I want to kiss everyone who feels sad right now on the forehead, in a paternal way, like Walt Whitman or Lil B!I want everyone to feel the way I do)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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emotions are beautiful, believe me!!whats not beautiful is when emotions are exclusively provoked by the world!!I believe a lot of the time, we feel emotions and then tangle them together with perceived desires, as if emotions arent just what we are, but theyre reactions!!I think a lot of this is related to desiring the infinite!!like when we feel sad, we feel the need to solve it, or if others are sad, we feel we need to solve it for them!!but I think this is because we read our current emotion as potentially permanent!!its like Schlegel says, that we desire infinity all the timean infinity free of emotions, an infinity to do whatever it may do!!but Schlegel says that desiring the infinite isnt a desire for anything at all!!its just raw, emotional, visceral desire manifesting itself as nothing in particular!!so let your emotions be what they are. dont prescribe them a cause if they dont have one!!feel your feelings, they wont last. if theyre good feelings they wont last, so just feel them. if theyre bad feelings, dont think oh, this will pass, because theres a lot to be felt in every mood and emotion!!okay Im done with this self-help type stuff lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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there are a lot of things I cant control in this world!that is okay!I know that I do the best I can!I always try to do better!I feel like the things that are outside of me!shouldnt embarrass me because I know!how I actually am!!Im not so sure what Im trying to get at,!just typing what enters me!I feel good about who I am!I am secure in a lot of social contexts!and Im very thankful for that!I feel accepting about things that are outside of me,!even if I dont like them!I still like them because I love the world!I like to think I embrace the whole spectrum!of human emotions, and hold them like a baby,!that I empathize with but have control over!!I think a sad thing is by most peoples standards!this would be a terrible poem!but I am being more earnest in writing this,!and letting myself spill out more than normal,!so what really is a good poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Let me preface this by saying, I dont really know exactly what Im getting at. These are just some ideas in my mind right now, because Im having a very very hard time!!If you feel confused about what I mean by all of this, especially if I know you irl, then please talk to me!!Even though this might seem like a weird post, Im actually very happy, I just have a lot of inner turmoil!!!!In my life, I feel very conflicted about so many things. It makes me think about Fear and Trembling, where Kierkegaard compares Agamemnon and Abraham. Kierkegaard says Abraham is a knight of faith and Agamemnon is a tragic hero!!Agamemnon is torn between doing what is best for his people and his daughter. The gods tell Agamemnon that the only way the winds will help his ships sail properly is by sacrificing his daughter. And so the tragedy is that Agamemnon is in the purely ethical sphere. Everyone in the ethical sphere eventually faces this sort of either/or situation, where they will necessarily choose something unethical in favor of something that is!!Abraham on the other hand, is asked by God to kill Isaac. He has no ethical quandary, and hes not ethically obligated to his people, hes just approached by the absolute God. And Abraham agrees to do it!!So for Agamemnon, his wish is to do his ethical duty, but when hes faced with an either/or situation, his duty and his wish are conflicting, so he must sacrifice his wish (not kill his daughter) in order to do his duty (for his people). Agamemnon weighs ethical against ethical!!Abraham however, being a knight of faith, is required to sacrifice both his wish (not kill his son) and his duty (not kill his son). He feels personally compelled to do this by the absolute God, who transcends the ethical!!The point is, Abraham is able to transcend ethics because hes following an absolute, even though its absurd. Everythings absurd tho. He does what he must do. The single individual feeling a call to do something transcends the realm of the ethical. Taking that leap of faith is bypassing the ethical, so its individual > absolute, rather than individual > ethical > absolute!!!!The problem is, for me, I dont have a clear ethical dilemma in my life. I feel very, very uncertain about what my life will be like in the near future. Im having the worst crisis ever, and I think a lot of it has to do with school ending. I feel so conflicted about that, because I dont want to hurt anyones feelings, at all. But I feel like no matter what I do, I will!!My point is, I have to work out my future, and I feel like Im at a point where I cant do so from an ethical framework, I feel like I have to make some sort of leap of faith. But again, thats the problem, its so variable filled. I dont really know whats what. So I feel like I have to take some sort of absurd leap of faith for anything to work out!

!Kierkegaard uses the word anxiety a lot, He basically means that anxiety is the tension between naivete, and understanding one has the freedom to do something. He writes that anxiety is a psychological state, that actually precedes sin. So, Adam sinned, because all humans have anxiety, and the anxiety caused Adam to sin. So when God told Adam not to eat the apple, Adams understanding of this was nonmoral, he simply felt anxious because he realized he was both naive (to the effects of the apple) and free (to eat the apple)!!In this sense, sinfulness isnt bad exactly, its just the marker that we are naive to the world, and then realize we have the freedom to stop being naive, and then take a leap. Sinfulness is just being human!!!!And I feel Kierkegaardian anxiety A LOT right now. It is killing me!!And I just want to say, if I know you: I love you. And I dont want to hurt you. I try my best, I promise!!And also, honestly, if you are reading this and are like wtf is Christian going to take a leap of faith by killing someone, Abraham style?! The answer is 100% no!!Im not going to do anything reckless!!Im not going to hurt anyone if I can help it. I try really hard not to hurt anyone!!This probably seems like the most dramatic thing anyone could post, but really, it will probably not have any impact on this world, aside from my personal experience of it!!Im thinking about where Im going to live in the future, and what Im going to do, and why Im on this earth!!!!Thank you for reading this. I just want to say, overall, I love my life, and my fate, and I have never been more overjoyed with the world. My feelings are me and theyre beautiful!!Since Im already acting like an Existentialist asshole, I wanted to end with one of my favorite quotes ever (by Nietzsche lol)!! And I read it to remind me how perfect everything is!!If we affirm one single moment, we thus affirm not only ourselves but all existence. For nothing is self-sufficient, neither in us ourselves nor in things; and if our soul has trembled with happiness and sounded like a harp string just once, all eternity was needed to produce this one eventand in this single moment of affirmation all eternity was called good, redeemed, justified, and affirmed.!!!!

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and while Im being dramatic, I have something else to say!!plz dont feel bad about this or something, it feels normal and I dont feel like this is a bad thing exactly, just neutral!!its the main thing I talk about in therapy:!!I have this feeling that I never thought I would feel when I was younger,!!where I feel like everything bad Ive ever done keeps compounding!!and as I get older theres more of a burden I have to feel guilty about!!I was talking to my therapist about this last week!!she was like do you still feel like a bad person? and I was like yeah sometimes!!and then she was like why?!!I was like I dont really wanna say. I feel really protective of my reasons to feel like a bad person because I know they arent actually bad things. but I dont want people to try to convince me Im wrong about them!!I dont really know why Im posting this!!but I think like, Im just afraid of who Id be without feeling guilty all the time!!because it kind of presupposes a lot of my other thoughts, so I think Id feel kind of lost without it!!Im sorry if I ever hurt you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Ive been in this state the last few days, where when I start ~feeling~ something and want to write about it, I end up feeling a lot of stuff at once, and then my attention is so displaced.!!then Im not able to write about much of anything from a lack of focus on one emotion!!I think people feel like they have writers block when they arent having a spontaneous overflow of emotion!!but I think it is easier to write when Im not feeling a lot, because then I can piece together my emotions with a little distance, and they feel less fluid/transient!!because when emotions are really strong, Ill feel like well, I cant put these feelings into words!!but when I remember how feelings feel, in a more neutral state of mind, Im more naturally feeling them as a metaphor!!in other words, when you feel something, you have a private, direct, ineffable experience of that feeling alone. It feels impossible to describe, because it kind of is. when you remember feeling something, you are necessarily thinking of that feeling as a metaphor. when you remember a feeling, you are thinking of things to compare that feeling to, to remember it, because youre no longer actually feeling it!!Idk if that makes sense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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