w w w. t h e we e k l y b e a n . c a

(306) 825-5694 or e-mail:labean@sasktel.net

October 20, 2014

Of Course!Jonathan Thomas, 50, was charged with DUI and disorderly conduct in Washington Township, Indiana, in August after driving through two backyards one Friday evening and getting his vehicle stuck in the sec-ond. Police reported that Thomas “show(ed) his teeth to officers” and later “growled” at hospital security staff. Thomas’ day job is director of the Porter County Animal Shelter. [Times of Northwest Indiana (Val-paraiso), 8-4-2014]

Just Like the Script:

(1) In August, a Bradenton, Flor-ida, deputy sheriff was forced to duplicate a classic scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” when he

was advanced upon by a menac-ing-looking, samurai-sword-swing-ing, 31-year-old man. The deputy, perhaps as nonplussed as Indiana Jones was, shot him dead.

(2) Rule No. 9: The 15-year-old granddaughter of Cliven Bundy (the Nevada rancher whose dispute with the federal government caused a notorious standoff in March) told Las Vegas’ KSNV-TV that her dad (Bundy’s son) was withdrawing her from her high school because officials would not allow her to carry a knife on campus. She said her dad has taught his kids (just like “NCIS’s” Leroy Jethro Gibbs) to “always” carry a knife. [Bay News 9 (St. Petersburg), 8-28-2014] [KSNV-TV, 8-28-2014]

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school

all by himself when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first few days, but one day he came home and asked if he

could walk by himself. He wanted to be like the “big boys.” Not wanting to disappoint him, she decided to allow him to walk without her, via plan B (which consisted of recruiting a neighbor,

Mrs. Goodnest, to repetitiously follow him to school, at a distance far enough behind him that he would not likely notice he was being

followed, but close enough to keep a watch on him). Mrs. Goodnest was agreeable, since she was up early with her own

toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. So, the very next school day Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out to follow behind Timmy as he walked to school.

Timmy was accompanied by another neighbor boy he knew. As the boys walked to school each day, chatting, and kicking stones

and twigs, the little friend of Timmy began to notice that a lady seemed to be following them every day.

“Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?” he asked Timmy.

“Yea, I know who she is,” Timmy replied “Well who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy said. “Shirley Goodnest? Who is she? Why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “Every night Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm in my prayers ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in it the Psalm says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days

of my life,’ so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.”

The Essence of Elvis is presented by TCB Enterprises & Apalooza on Saturday, November 1, at 7:30 pm at Vic Juba Community Theatre. In a similar situation to Elvis, Jeff Bodner was encouraged to sign strongly by his Mum. Both Jeff and Elvis sang in church with their mothers and entered talent contests at an early age! In 2000 he was challenged to compete in the largest competition in North America and in 2003 was fortunate enough to become Grand Champion in the Non-Professional division. For several years between 2000 and 2007 Jeff competed in Memphis TN during Elvis week in August. Each year Jeff was fortunate to finish as a finalist. In 2007 Jeff competed in the Penticton Pacific North West Elvis festival and won the Professional championship. As a prize for this victory Jeff was honoured as one of the first 24 top professional Tribute Artists in the world to be invited to the inaugural Ultimate Elvis competition. This is the first Elvis Tribute artist competition that was fully supported and sanctioned by Graceland and Elvis Presley Enterprises, EPE. To be named as one of the top 24 artists in the world and to compete in such a prestigious event was truly an honour! Donations for the Lloydminster Food Bank will be accepted at the door. Tickets are $30. Tickets may be ordered via phone at 780-872-7400, online at vicjubatheatre.ca or in person at the Box Office, Monday to Friday, 9:30 am to 3:30 pm.

New Enigma ~ Our First equivalent to the Apotic Red. Set Yours Today.

DATING WORDS TO LIVE BY

4 If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.

4 Men of quality respect women’s equality.

4 Remember a sense of humor does not meanthat you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

4 If a man suggests that you take a breakfrom vacuuming the living room and relax,

what it means is he can’t hear the T.V.

4 The best way to get a man to do something is tosuggest they are too old for it.

4 Men are like....Teeth.You ignore them - you lose them.

Baby Bean20.10.14

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How friends and family can help “Let me know if I can help you in any way when the baby is born.” … “Just let me know if you need a hand.” … “Anything I can do, just give me a call.”

Most pregnant women get these statements from friends and family but shy away from making requests when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and countertops crowded with dirty dishes. The myth of “I’m �ne, I’m doing great, new motherhood is wonderful, I can cope and my husband is the Rock of Gibraltar” is pervasive in postpartum land. If you’re too shy to ask for help and make straight requests of people, here are some suggestions to give well meaning friends and family. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for the new parents but there seems to be a lot of confusion about what’s wanted and needed…

Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole grain bread. Buy us a new garbage can with a swing top lid and 6 pairs of black cotton underpants (women’s size____). Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese, black Kalamata olives, toasted almonds, organic green crispy things and a nice homemade dressing on the side. Drop it o� and leave right away. Or, buy us frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a bag of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies to have for dessert. Drop it o� and leave right away. Come over about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on the couch, beds or in the room corners. If there’s no laundry to fold yet do some. Come over at l0 a.m., make me eggs, toast and a 1/2 grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything; just use your best judgement. Put a sign on my door saying “Dear Friends and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right now. Please come back in 7 days but phone �rst. All donations of casserole dinners would be most welcome. Thank you for caring about this family.” Come over in your work clothes and vacuum and dust my house and then leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to clean, organized space. Take my older kids for a really fun-�lled afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and feed them healthy food. Come over and give my husband a two hour break so he can go to a co�ee shop, pub, hockey rink or some other r & r that will delight him. Fold more laundry. Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house and reline with fresh bags.

These are the kindnesses that new families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts but the things that really make a di�erence are the services for the body and soul described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they can do that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to supporting you but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hours, you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the little prayer “I need help.”

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Have you ever seen people campaigning for public office? Recently I went to see two candidates who had

somehow scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of my city.

After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies

and beaming mightily.

However, when without warning the skies opened and it began to rain, one of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. But the other candidate continued to move through the crowd-shak-

ing hands, kissing babies, etc.

“That man’s persistent” I said to someone standing nearby. “Sure makes it easy to know who to vote for.”

“Yep,” he agreed. “Sure can’t see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn’t the good sense to come in out of the rain.”

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My preacher is one of those guys who enjoys using enthusiasm while delivering his sermon. As he preaches, he often moves briskly about the platform, which jerks the cord

hooked up to his lapel microphone.Once, as he was becoming more involved in his sermon, he

moved and accidentally got wound up in the cord, nearly tripping himself before he managed to jerk free again.

After watching him make several of those circles and jerks, a little girl in the front pew (who was visiting) leaned toward her

mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once, while waiting for my turn to see the doctor, a middle-aged man came

shuffling in, bent over at the waist and relying heavily upon his wife’s help and support to get into the doctor’s waiting room. A nearby

customer, also waiting, watched in sympathy before finally speaking.

“Arthritis with complications?” she asked.The wife only shook her head.

“No... Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks.”

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Do you like chocolate?

Here’s a list of reasons why you should, if you don’t already...

* Chocolate is a vegetable: it is derived from cocoa beans. Beans are a vegetable. * Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus (to repeat my point), chocolate is a vegetable. * To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is a dairy product. So chocolate and candy bars containing it are a health food. * Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. * If you have a problem of trying to figure out how you can get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car, I have the solution for you: eat it in the parking lot. * Diet tip: eat a chocolate bar one half hour before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less. * If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, isn’t that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other? * Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. * Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done. * A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?

Chiseling with Fear

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for

laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one

of the headstones.“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost.

“My family are such fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name and here I have to correct it!”

A BAT STORY

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and

began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with

hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed

down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, yes, yes!” the bats

all screamed in a frenzy. “Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------HALLOWEEN PHOBIAS:

Fear of Garlic: Alliumphobia

Fear of Spiders: Arachnophobia

Fear of Mirrors: Catoptrophobia

Fear of Thunder: Astraphobia

Another busy day

at the office.Get expert advice today.

1.866.825.3301

Television Neighbors How well do you know your neighbors? We’ll give you the neighbors, you tell us the show... 1. Fred and Ethel Mertz a)Happy Days b)Good Timesc)I Love Lucy d)The Honeymooners 2. Jerry and Millie Helper a)My Three Sonsb)Leave it to Beaverc)I Love Lucyd)Dick Van Dyke Show 3. Jefferson and Marcie D’Arcy a)All in the Family b)Family Mattersc)Full Housed)Married with Children 4. George and Martha Wilson a)Family Matters b)Who’s the Bossc)The Jefferson’s d)Dennis the Menace

5. Rodger and Kay Addison a)Bewitched b)Growing Painsc)Married with Childrend)Mr. Ed

6. Gladys and Abner Kravitz a)Little House on the Prairieb)The Cosby Showc)All in the Familyd)Bewitched 7. George and Louise Jefferson a)The Cosby Show b)All in the Familyc)Bewitched d)Sanford and Son 8. Ned and Maude Flanders a)Happy Days b)The Simpsonsc)Threes Companyd)Married with Children

1. c 2. d, 3. d, 4.d, 5. d, 6. d, 7. b, 8. b

* The yo-yo originated in the Philippines, where it was used as a weapon in hunting.* All of the cobble stones that used to line the streets in New York were originally weighting stones put in the hulls of Belgian ships to keep an even keel.* The top layer of a wedding cake, known as the groom’s cake, is usually a fruit cake so it will last until the couple’s first anniversary, when they will eat it.* Months that begin with a Sunday will always have a “Friday the 13th.”* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of “F”.* If you told someone that they were one in a million, you’d be saying there were about 1,800 of them in China.

A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire de-partment. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assis-

tance, they were called.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames &

stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck & frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out

the centre of the fire & left two parts which were easily put out.

As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed & grateful that his house & farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook

& donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds.

The captain replied, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!”

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. Alittle boy, playing in front of his house, saw him & called, “What have you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar & cream on ours.”-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly lady went to a tombstone-cutter’s office to order a stone for her husband’s grave. After explaining that all she wanted was a small one with no frills, she told him to put the words “To My

Husband” in a suitable place. When the stone was delivered, she saw to her horror this inscription:

TO MY HUSBAND - IN A SUITABLE PLACE.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“An Archaeologist Is The Best Husband A Woman Can Have; The Older She Gets, The More Interested He Is In Her.”

~ Agatha Christie

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Michelle HamiltonREGISTERED PSYCHOLOGIST

Professional Counselling Services, EMDR

780.808.1593www.beyond-balance.com

michelle@beyond-balance.com

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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DOG PERSON WHEN...

* Your dog brings a dead bird into the kitchen & generously gives it to you with a big smile. You say, “For me? Thank you!” & take it for granted it is just another day.* You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard but no small children.* Lint wheels are on your shopping list every week.* You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.* You refer to yourself as “mommy & daddy” to your dog.* You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but the dog understands them all.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Canada has the largest national coastline in the world at 151,400 miles long.

The Longest Engagement On Record: A couple in Mexico City were engaged for 67 years! They finally married in their 80’s.

The crow population of Woodstock, ON grew so large that residents complained to City Council about the noise. They responded with a solution of frequent fireworks to scare the crows away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Life May Not Be The Party We Hoped For, But While We’re Here We Might As Well Dance.”~ Anonymous

The Value Of Time

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every eve-ning it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent of course!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 secondes & at night, it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.

It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you & it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against the quota tomorrow. You must life in today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness & success in the running. Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade in school.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to be married.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask the person who missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one.

Yesterday Is History, Tomorrow Is A Mystery, Today Is A Gift - That’s Why It’s Called The Present!

Bionic Shoes Police in Japan’s Kyoto Prefecture raided a shoe manufacturer in July and commandeered a list of about 1,500 purchasers of the company’s signature “tosatsu shoes” -- shoes with built-in cameras. Investigators have begun visiting the purchasers at home to ask that they hand in the shoes (but, out of fairness, said they would not cause trouble for customers who could produce a le-gitimate reason for needing to take photographs and video by pointing their shoe at something). The seller was charged with “aiding voyeur-ism” and fined the equivalent of about $4,500 under a nuisance-pre-vention law. [United Press Interna-tional, 9-23-2014]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit Among the suggestions of the Brisbane, Australia, company Pets Eternal for honoring a deceased pet (made to a reporter in September): keeping a whisker or tooth or lock of hair, or having the remains made into jewelry or mixed with ink to make a tattoo. Overlooked was a new project by the Houston space-flight company Celestis, known for blasting human ashes into orbit (most famously those of “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry). Celes-tis, working with a California com-pany, will soon offer to shoot pets’ remains into orbit ($995) or per-haps even to the moon ($12,000). [News.com.au (Sydney), 9-23-2014] [Associated Press via KRLD-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth), 7-30-2014]

The Continuing Crisis Ontario’s top court rejected Bryan Teskey’s complaint in August over how Roman Catholics continue to be discriminated against by the laws of British royal succession. Even though Ontario (along with many Commonwealth countries) recently removed some aspects of bias (end-ing the ban on the royal family’s marrying Catholics), Teskey point-ed out that Canadian Catholics still do not have a fair shot at becoming king or queen (although Teskey did not claim that he, personally, had been a candidate). [Canadian Press, 8-27-2014]

NUTTY NEWS