Operation Sea Dog

! ! ! ! ! OPERATION SEA DOG! ! ! ! 1-1-1! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! by Ed Ballou! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ACT 1

! ! ! ! ! SCENE 1

AT RISE: Late night. A dock - the dark outline of tuna boat rigging in the background - a railing stretching across the rear of the dock - the top of a ladder gleams in the moonlight - it reaches down to a loading platform on the unseen surface of the water - pilings along the rear of the dock, going up several feet - a pelican atop one - a hand-operated winch, boom and pulley atop another - nets, gathered at the top and fanning out below, stretch several yards high between poles to dry - the SOUNDS of the sea, the slapping of rigging in a breeze, a seagull mewing - a moon. The SOUND of powerful, throbbing engines is heard in the distance - it grows louder, punctuated by the voice of Hunter, shouting the distances remaining, and by the crackling amplification of the Captain’s responses through a loudspeaker, as a sea-going vessel closes with the landing below.

! ! ! ! ! ! HUNTER (OFFSTAGE)One hundred feet!

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN (OFFSTAGE)Have the men stand by the lines, Hunter..

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Copyright Ed Ballou, 2016

! ! ! ! ! ! HUNTER (OFFSTAGE)! ! ! 1-1-2Ay, Captain - stand by, you men! Forty feet!

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN (OFFSTAGE)! ! !How’s she looking up there, Hunter? - how’s the bow angle?

! ! ! ! ! ! HUNTER (OFFSTAGE)Good, Captain! - we’re right on target - twenty feet!

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN (OFFSTAGE)Prepare to secure the lines, Hunter..

! ! ! ! ! ! HUNTER (OFFSTAGE)Prepare to secure!! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUNDS of a dull thud and bumping as a ! ! ! ! ! ! steel hull fits against the wooden landing ! ! ! ! ! ! below. The SOUNDS of a crew of men ! ! ! ! ! ! securing the vessel with muffled comments) All secure, Captain!

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN (OFFSTAGE)Good work, Hunter - tell the men - and don’t forget to re-fuel the sub!

! ! ! ! ! ! HUNTER (OFFSTAGE)Ay, Captain!! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUNDS of the engines roaring, the ! ! ! ! ! ! wash of the propellors splattering off the dock, ! ! ! ! ! ! then slowing and ceasing - the engines roar ! ! ! ! ! ! once more, then stop - only the SOUND of the ! ! ! ! ! ! slow idling rumble of an auxiliary diesel is ! ! ! ! ! ! heard - an occasional flash of light comes from ! ! ! ! ! ! the landing below, along with the SOUND of ! ! ! ! ! ! hatches opening and closing - in the darkness, ! ! ! ! ! ! a figure in a starched white uniform climbs ! ! ! ! ! ! stiffly up the ladder and down onto the dock-! ! ! ! ! ! - he is followed by a spry young captain in a ! ! ! ! ! ! dark Navy uniform - the man in white pauses, ! ! ! ! ! ! looking around distastefully)

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN! ! ! ! ! ! (Shouting offstage)Hunter! Get that searchlight over here!! ! ! ! ! ! (A searchlight blinks on - aimed five feet over ! ! ! ! ! ! their heads)

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! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN (Con’t.)! ! ! ! 1-1-3That’s it, Hunter - now lower the beam five feet!! ! ! ! ! ! (The beam goes up)Lower! - that’s towards the water, yes!! ! ! ! ! ! (The searchlight lowers, lights up the two men)Good, Hunter, good - now, get the sub re-fueled! ! ! ! ! ! ! (Aside to the Admiral)Good with distances, but doesn’t know his ropes - he won’t make the wheelhouse, Admiral..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALI used to climb ropes, Captain - to reef the sails in an icy storm! - of course, that was in the old days of sailing..

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAINOh, Hunter’s brave enough - but when he wants to tie a knot, he has to look at his shoes..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looks around)Well, Captain, this is it - the place I am to meet the contact, and give him this..! ! ! ! ! ! (Indicates a red pouch on his belt).. secret pouch!

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAINYes, this is where we are to leave you, Admiral - on this dock the tuna boats use - my orders assure me no one will be using the dock tonight - no one knows we’re here - even Hunter’s mom doesn’t know where he is..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALSome dock! - these planks sticking out from the sea wall?

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAINThis is it, sir..! ! ! ! ! ! (Shouting offstage)Hunter! - I ordered you to re-fuel the sub! - use the fuel barge moored down there - yes, the floating thing with the pumps on top - no, not premium - regular - Congress is cutting funds..! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks around the dock)I suppose your orders tell you where to meet the contact - I don’t see anyone..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulling out a small map)X marks the spot, Captain, on this map the computer issued me - and X should mean right here - this dock!! ! ! ! ! ! (They look around)


! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL (Con’t.)! ! ! 1-1-4The contact had better show - I’m to personally deliver this secret pouch to him - orders! ! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks around, again)

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN! ! ! ! ! ! (Shouting offstage)Hunter! - you got that gas going in? - good! - now, check the oil - and try to get those windows!! ! ! ! ! ! (To Admiral)Deliver the secret pouch to whom, Admiral?

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALHow should I know? - someone with a code-phrase on this dock at midnight!! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at his watch)And it’s well past midnight!! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause - they look around for the contact)

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAINSir.. what’s the code-phrase? - I’ll be going underwater, and won’t be able to tell anyone..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks the Captain up and down)The code-phrase is “sea dog”, Captain - the contact says, “sea dog”, and I’m to reply, “Give a dog a bone!” - yes, that’s it - we match code-phrases!

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAINSea dog!! ! ! ! ! ! (Laughs)That’s the name for this whole secret operation - Operation Sea Dog! - so, that’s where it came from - but, what does it mean?

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALBelay those questions! - I’m just here to deliver this confounded pouch!! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at his watch, again)By Neptune! - the contact’s late! - I’ll give him a dressing down when he does show!! ! ! ! ! ! (Touching the pouch).. and then give him his “bone”! Those are my orders, Captain - yes, we’ll soon be done with all this - then, it’s back on patrol for you and your sub - and back into military balance underwater! - detente, eh?! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! (Shouting offstage)You finished, Hunter? - good! - what? - you want to call your mom? - all right, use the radio-telephone in the control room - yes, the little room with the steering wheel - be


! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN (Con’t.)! ! ! ! 1-1-5sure to dial one to get out of the sub - and Hunter! - don’t touch anything, okay? - some other time you can shout through the loudspeaker..! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at his watch)Well, it’s almost time to go back under..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALConfound it, yes! - we’re both wasting our time here! - I should be charting a steady course at my desk! - and your attack sub should be at her proper station - on patrol in the Pacific! What secret operation could possibly be important enough to pull your vessel off patrol - and pull me from my desk? By Neptune, I hope there’s a bar within short sail - a man could use a spot of dark Cuban rum after a voyage like that - we were entirely submerged! - imagine, not being able to smell the sea for three whole days! - what is this Navy coming to? - tell me, Captain, what was really so bad about sails?

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAINThey get wet underwater.. sorry, Admiral..! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALWell, no matter, Captain - I’ve asked - asked, mind you, I couldn’t order! - asked them to send me a bottle of the best dark Cuban rum - and a fresh cocoanut! - with the car they’re sending to pick me up, after I meet the contact - rum the same brand I used to issue aboard my old command, the U.S.S. Ideal - and ideal it was! - whipped cream on everything! - not like my desk - a small ship - smaller than that drowned rat of a sub! - a minesweeper, it was - we’d tootle around the Caribbean, sweeping up things - logs, empty oil drums, dead sea turtles - but they don’t explode, Captain! - and it was a ration of rum to each man - a double ration! - once in the morning to set their sails, and again at night to help that old tropical sun go down - yes, I’d tell them, “A little toddy for the body, a little touch in the clutch!” - and not a man declined! - it was a happy ship, Captain, full of happy men - not like that lot you’ve got - I tell you, Captain, in the old days - sailors would curse an ill wave spraying over the bow - and those men of yours - mindless fish! - I’ll bet not one of them with a bottle under his bunk!

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAINAs you well know, Admiral, drinking is forbidden aboard my naval vessel..! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at watch)It’s time for my sub to slip beneath the sea - what time are they sending your car, sir?

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALOh-one-hundred..! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at watch)Ten more minutes! - where is that contact? Well..! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! (Offers his hand)Good sailing with you, Captain.. though I can’t say much for the scenery - ah, the murky depths! - me for the bounding main! - salt in my hair and spray in my teeth! - well,


! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL (Con’t.)! ! ! ! 1-1-6Captain, I assume you’re heading out to sea on another secret mission - imagine, not being able to tell an old admiral where you’re bound!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN! ! ! ! !I won’t know myself, until I’m signaled at sea - security, Captain!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALObscurity, you mean, Captain - confounded obscurity! Well, Neptune be with you!

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAINGood sailing, Admiral - I go to secure the depths!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALGood to know, Captain, good to know..

! ! ! ! ! ! CAPTAIN! ! ! ! ! ! (Shouting offstage)Start engines! - prepare to cast off! - Hunter! - turn off the searchlight! Off!! ! ! ! ! ! (The searchlight goes off)Very good! - cast off, Hunter - cast off! - untie the ropes - untie! - look at your shoes!! ! ! ! ! ! (The sub’s engines roar into life - the CAPTAIN ! ! ! ! ! ! EXITS - the Admiral stands looking down after ! ! ! ! ! ! the departing sub)

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALA ship built to sink - yes, the new Navy..! ! ! ! ! ! (The Admiral looks around, looks at his watch - ! ! ! ! ! ! the throb of the sub’s engines fade, a sea gull ! ! ! ! ! ! mews, a bright moon shines - the Admiral looks ! ! ! ! ! ! at his watch, again)By Neptune!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Behind the Admiral)Neptune, Admiral!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALWhat’s that? - report at once, sailor!! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks around, sees no one)

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYNo longer a sailor, Admiral - although I am an old shipmate of yours - you old sea dog!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !


! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! 1-1-7!What? - what’s that? - sea dog? - well, er.. leave a dog his bone - uh, a dog’s bone is best left buried - oh, by Neptune! - give a dog a bone - I’ve got your bone, Fido!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYWell put, Admiral.. ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! !Old shipmate? - well, show yourself! - your voice is familiar - but apparently you haven’t got a body! - else you’d set an old Admiral’s mind at ease..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYDon’t you remember, Admiral? - the Cuban missile crisis? - the U.S.S. Ideal?

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALNy Neptune, I remember! - they wanted us to check for mines at the entrance to Guantanamo Bay - live mines, they said! - for two weeks we swept those deadly waters - and I doubled the ration of rum! - four shots a day per man! - you could get it cheap down there - fortunately, the enemy had set no mines - but we picked up thirty-two cocoanuts! - made for a great mix, I recall - dark Cuban rum and cocoanut milk - we called the drink a Cuban Nut - quite a joke at the time!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYYes, it was, Admiral - I was there by your side - though you were just a Captain, then..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALYes, yes, I rose quickly through the ranks - “Have a Cuban Nut!”, I’d tell the big brass - and after three or four they’d begin to see my real qualities - I was always very jovial - and they craved my sea stories - why, I told them by the hour!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI heard them by the hour - aboard the U.S.S. Ideal..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALWait a minute! - your voice - let me see - there was one man aboard my ship - could never find him when I needed him - my code officer - something odd about him - he was always hiding in the rope locker - claimed he was checking the lines for fraying - with the lid down, by Neptune! - he carried a big flashlight - must have been hell on his eyes! - duty, eh? - dedicated, that man! - but, you know, sailor - I think someone else was using that rope locker - for once I checked, to see if he was there - but all I found, sticking out under from the ropes, were a stack of well-worn girlie magazines - well, I mean, we all get a bit tacky at sea at times, but..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! !Those were my magazines, Admiral - and I was not checking those stupid ropes - in fact, I got some quite severe rope-burns on a number of occasions!


! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! 1-1-8!By Neptune, Lieutenant McChesney! - I remember your rope-burns! - report to your Captain at once!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! (Coming out from his hiding place - climbing up ! ! ! ! ! ! the ladder over the back wall of the dock - he ! ! ! ! ! ! shines a big flashlight on the Admiral) It’s just McChesney now, Admiral - I’m out of the service - though - just like you - a computer gives me orders - mind if I call you Henry?

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALWhat’s that, Lieutenant? - now, just a .! - still, I suppose rank does have its limits - damned pity! - just last week I was called “sport” by a supermarket checker - “sport!” I was out of uniform, you know - next time, I bought my groceries in full regalia! - know what he said? - “Here’s your change, General!” But you, McChesney - now I remember - I received orders to put you ashore for court martial at Key West - orders printed by a computer! - I still haven’t the devil of an idea why - you served me well enough on the ship - when you were out of your rope locker..! ! ! ! ! ! (Unsnaps the red leather pouch from his belt)Now, here’s your “bone”, McChesney - this secret pouch! - that’s what all this is really about, eh? - Operation Sea Dog!! ! ! ! ! ! (McChesney shines his light on the pouch)

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYAy, Henry - the pouch is what the computer wants - the “bone” - the sample!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! ! (Handing McChesney the pouch)Take the damn thing! - the computer can have it! - but, tell me, McChesney - just between old shipmates - what.. is the computer - and where is it?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI’m afraid we’re both in the dark about that, Henry - I just follow my program..! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! !Yes, in the dark - just like your rope locker! - I still you’ve still got your flashlight, Lieutenant - let me see that old relic..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Handing his flashlight to the Admiral)Never know when I’ll have to check a rope or two..

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! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! 1-1-9! ! ! ! ! ! (Snapping the light on and off).. don’t suppose you have any of those old magazines with you? - I could use a peek at a young lovely - I’ve been three days underwater - that sea cook was starting to smile at me a bit too fondly..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! !You threw my magazines into the sea, Admiral - remember? - you shouted, “Into the drink with temptation!”

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALI said - “The only temptation is drink!” - I remember it clearly!! ! ! ! ! ! (McChesney starts to open the secret pouch)Now, who gave you orders, sailor..!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYThe same computer that gives you orders, Henry! - my orders are to check the contents - to verify the sample!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALBy Neptune!! ! ! ! ! ! (McChesney opens the pouch, reaches into it, ! ! ! ! ! ! and pulls out a small shapeless mass - he ! ! ! ! ! ! holds it at arm’s length - they both look at it ! ! ! ! ! ! with disgust - the Admiral holds his nose)

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI can’t make it out - can’t verify it! - the sample looks terrible!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALSo would you, if just traveled ten miles underwater inside the mouth of a porpoise - amazing beasts! - they’ve trained one to remove samples from military targets - it’s an invaluable ally - with the greatest cover in the world - just a harmless creature of the sea - with no fear of interrogation by the other side!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Gagging)But which part of the target is it?! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALIt’s.. a toe - the target’s big toe! - don’t worry, it’s there - your “bone” is all there!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI’ll take your word for it, Henry - but it sure stinks!! ! ! ! ! ! (Slides toe into the pouch, seals it)My orders said the sample was to be refrigerated aboard the sub ..


! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! 1-1-10That’s true, Lieutenant - but my orders said the sample was to remain snapped to my belt - you see, there was a conflict in my mind - I couldn’t very well remain in the freezer myself with the pouch snapped to my belt - not without three gallons of dark Cuban rum! - not a drop of which was aboard that lead pipe of a sub - I considered leaving my belt in the ice box, but my orders were strict! - the pouch was not to leave my person until I handed it to my contact - that’s you! - you see, I was in a bind - a procedural dilemma, the book calls it! - I finally compromised by drinking ice water and taking cold showers with only my belt on - duty, eh!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYTrue dedication, Henry..! ! ! ! ! ! (The distant SOUND of a helicopter’s blades ! ! ! ! ! ! beating the air - they look up and offstage)

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALIf they’re not under the water, they’re over your head!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYMust be the helicopter the computer ordered!! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at his watch)Oh-one-twenty - that’s my ride!! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUNDS of the helicopter grow louder)Where’s your ride, Henry?

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALThe computer is sending a car..! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks at watch)At oh-one-hundred.. ten minutes ago!! ! ! ! ! ! (Looks offstage)Probably a dark shiny Cadillac with a couple of civilians in suits as escort - yes, that’s how they do it! - and with a bar in the back! I’ll stretch out my legs - my mission completed - as one of them pours from a bottle of the best dark Cuban rum - over a shot of fresh cocoanut milk - mixing me a Cuban Nut! - the ice will crackle in the glass as he silently hands it to me, and I’ll raise my drink high in a toast - “Nuts to Guantanamo!” - of course, they won’t know what the hell I’m talking about..! ! ! ! ! ! (The noisy SOUNDS of the helicopter directly ! ! ! ! ! ! overhead - the wash from the propellers ! ! ! ! ! ! creates a wind on stage - the Admiral cups his ! ! ! ! ! ! hands over his ears and shouts)It’s a pity they can’t fly those things underwater! ! ! ! ! ! ! (A spotlight shines down on them - a rope ! ! ! ! ! ! drops down to just above the deck)

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! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! 1-1-11! ! ! ! ! ! (Shakes hands with the Admiral)Hope to have another Cuban Nut with you, Admiral..! ! ! ! ! ! (Waves the pouch).. thanks for the “bone”!! ! ! ! ! ! (McChesney takes hold of the rope - is slowly ! ! ! ! ! ! hoisted upward, forgetting his flashlight)

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! ! (Calling after him)But I’m puzzled, Lieutenant - why weren’t you courtmartialed in Key West?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Calling down to him)The computer took me under its wing - and you had to be left in the dark - it’s all happening over your head! - see you later, you old sea dog! ! ! ! ! ! ! (McCHESNEY EXITS upward, disappears - ! ! ! ! ! ! the searchlight blinks off - the SOUND of the ! ! ! ! ! ! helicopter clattering away)

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! ! (Rapidly clicking the flashlight off and on, in the ! ! ! ! ! ! direction of the helicopter)Checking the ropes, eh? - by Neptune!! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUND of the helicopter fades away - ! ! ! ! ! ! sea SOUNDS - the Admiral checks his watch)That Cadillac’s late - damn civilians!! ! ! ! ! ! (Offstage, the SOUNDS of a car back-firing ! ! ! ! ! ! and brakes squealing as a car slide to a stop - ! ! ! ! ! ! the engine is left running and back-firing, as a ! ! ! ! ! ! single headlight lights up the Admiral - a car ! ! ! ! ! ! door slamming - ENTER CABBY, !wearing a ! ! ! ! ! ! cabbie’s hat and carrying a paper bag)

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBYHey, man - Captain Sea Dog!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALAdmiral, Cabby!

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBY ! ! !Si - ready to go, Admiral Dog? - my meter’s running!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALI didn’t call for a cab - I’m waiting for someone important!


! ! ! ! ! ! CABBY ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-12Whatever you say, sea doggie - but I work for a computer - it tell me to come out here!! ! ! ! ! ! (Starts to exit)! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! !But, wait! - sea doggie? - but, you couldn’t be my ride! - where’s your suit? ! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking offstage)And that cab’s no Cadillac!

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBYSi - it’s a “56 Chevy that don’t run so good..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALImpossible! - you do know about sea dog, though..

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBYSi - you know about bones?

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALOh, by Neptune! - give a dog a bone! - all right, Senor? - now take me to town - and make it hasty tiempo! - comprende?

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBYSi, Admiral Doggie, but first - the computer tell me give you this..! ! ! ! ! ! (Gestures with paper bag).. gonna have to add it to your fare!! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls a bottle out of the bag - hands it to the ! ! ! ! ! ! the Admiral)

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! ! (Holding up bottle)Cheap rum!! ! ! ! ! ! (Reads the label)And light rum, too - damn computer!

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBYComputer say we have a drink before we go, amigo..! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls two plastic cups out of the bag - hands ! ! ! ! ! ! one to the Admiral)

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALBut, it’s all wrong, Senor..! ! ! ! ! ! (The Cabby takes bottle, fills cups) .. it’s supposed to go over cocoanut milk - and where’s the ice?

! ! ! ! ! !


! ! ! ! ! ! CABBY ! ! ! ! ! 1-1-13I don’t have to give you no ice cubes! - and I couldn’t find no cocoanuts - but, I got this..! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls a can from the paper bag).. whipped cream, man - I make a drink, years ago - when I was in the Army of Cuba - during the Crisis of Missiles - remember that? - we were guarding the beach - just outside the Bay of Guantanamo - ever been there, Admiral Dog? - big American Navy base - sailors on the minesweepers would thrown empty cans of whipped cream into the sea - they lived high out there! - only the cans weren’t all empty - they’d float onto the beach - we’d pick them up, and squirt them on our rum - like this..! ! ! ! ! ! (Squirts whipped cream on both of their drinks) .. then sit on the beach, sip our rum, and watch the American minesweepers patrol back and forth, back and forth..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALBy Neptune!

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBY.. and you what we called this drink, Admiral Dog? - a Whipped American!! ! ! ! ! ! (Taps his cup against the Admiral’s cup) - pretty big joke, man, for a while..

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRAL! ! ! ! ! ! (Pouring out his drink)Drive me to town! - couldn’t you get a cab with two headlights?

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBYThis is what the computer give me! - I’m lucky to have a cab, man - I got a Master’s Degree in English, but couldn’t find no job - so, I drive a cab!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALVamanos, by Neptune!! ! ! ! ! ! (They start to exit)

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBY ! ! ! ! !You know what else floated up? - whole bunch of girlie magazines - aieee! - we drank a whole lot of rum that night!

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALSet sail for the nearest bar! - I plan to drink a lot of Cuban Nuts - all lined up in a row!

! ! ! ! ! ! CABBYCuban Nut.. got any rum in it?

! ! ! ! ! ! ADMIRALDark rum, cabby - now, cast off!


! ! ! ! ! ! (The ADMIRAL AND the CABBY EXIT offstage ! ! ! ! ! ! - the SOUNDS of doors slamming and the cab ! ! ! ! ! ! lurching off, back-firing)

! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE END! ! ! ! ! !

! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 2! ! ! ! 1-2-1

At Rise: The edge of a research pool - a large picture of a smiling porpoise dominates the backdrop - beneath it are large letters spelling “Skippy” - a complex electronic instrument is set up on the far edge of the pool, wires leading from it into the water - next to it, crouches Dr. Sterner, monitoring the instrument with a microphone and earphones - behind him stands Marty, scanning the sky through binoculars

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER! ! ! ! ! ! (Calling through the microphone)Skippy! - are you there? ! ! ! ! ! ! (Listening through earphones) You are? - good! - show Frank that a porpoise can be his friend! - you will? - that a boy!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering through her binoculars)The skies are empty - how strange! - Doctor Sterner, how can you talk to a silly porpoise you haven’t seen since the day you captured him?

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERFaith in science, Marty! - it’s all so logical - I know he’s down there - where else could he go? - he’s confined to the research pool - he likes to stay at the bottom, that’s all - we’ll find out how things went when Frank surfaces - I hope he gets past that ugly incident - imagine, losing his toe!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Scanning the skies)Oh, he has others - he’ll survive..

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERSuch an understanding wife, dear lady! - he should be getting out soon - can’t wait to hear how it went!! ! ! ! ! ! (Listening through his earphones)There’s his signal! - he’s coming up!! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUND of a helicopter in the distance)

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTYWhat’s that sound?! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering through her binoculars)


! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY (Con’t.)! ! ! ! 1-2-2! ! ! ! !Is it a bird, a plane, a copter? - no, not a copter.. a drone! - they’re becoming more common than copters..! ! ! ! ! ! (She takes out a notebook, marks in it) But, as head of Copter Watchers And Plotters - CWAP! - I must also plot any drone’s course!! ! ! ! !

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER! ! ! ! ! ! (Standing by the ladder)I hope this dive helps Frank overcomes that fear of porpoises he’s acquired- this experiment with Skippy should reassure him that porpoises are friendly and intelligent mammals - that one that bit off his toe was a freak of nature - perhaps an overly aggressive male - a rogue!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering through her binoculars)All males are rogues..! ! ! ! ! ! (Plotting a graph in her notebook)Flying from Point A..

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERHere, Skippy..! ! ! ! ! ! (Throws a pickle into the pool - the SOUND of ! ! ! ! ! ! it splashing).. have a pickle!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting).. to point B..

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER! ! ! ! ! ! (The pickle is thrown back up out of the pool - ! ! ! ! ! ! lands at his feet)Look at that! - I thought a pickle would be a training reward - but he threw it back!! ! ! ! ! ! (Picks up the pickle, starts eating it)

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting).. to Point C..

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERWhat’s keeping Frank? - I think this pool has become a second home to him..

! ! ! ! ! !


! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-3! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting).. flying into Sector Q..! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUND of splashing in the pool - ENTER ! ! ! ! ! ! FRANK, climbing up the ladder from the pool - ! ! ! ! ! ! wearing a wetsuit, face mask, snorkel, and ! ! ! ! ! ! bright yellow flippers - he has a slight limp, and ! ! ! ! ! ! never raises his face mask)

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERWell done, Frank! - you’ve made new friends with a porpoise! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting).. to Sector T..

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKIt was really nothing, Doc..

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting).. now, it’s flying East..

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERYou’re limping! - that toe bothering you much?

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKThe only thing bothers me about my toe is.. it isn’t there! - what a freaky thing - I’m snorkeling in the ocean, this porpoise comes out of nowhere, and bites my big toe right off! - but, I’m all right - and that Skippy’s a pretty friendly mammal..

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting).. it’s now flying West..

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERTo overcome one’s fears without fearing to overcome them!

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKEasy on my head, Doc - I’ve just been underwater..

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERWell, you’ve got nothing to fear, my friend, but..

! ! ! ! ! !


! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY ! ! ! ! ! 1-2-4! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting).. these drones - they’re everywhere!! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting).. beginning to circle us..! ! ! ! ! ! (SOUNDS of the drone circling)

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKMarty! - I think I’ve overcome my fear of porpoises!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Peering, plotting)I can see it, now - noisy little buzzer..

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKHey, remember me? - I’m your husband!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Turning, training her binoculars up and down ! ! ! ! ! ! on Frank) Oh, yeah - hi, guy..! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns back, slowly spinning as she trains her ! ! ! ! ! ! binoculars on the drone, following it)

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKIt’s all right, Marty - I’m actually getting used to it..! ! ! ! ! ! (To Dr. Sterner).. it’s great you’ve been able to crack the porpoise language, Doc - as founder of my own organization, POMP - Protect Our Many Porpoises - I’ve been wanting to communicate with them for years!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Suddenly starts spinning in a reverse ! ! ! ! ! ! direction, keeping her binoculars trained upon ! ! ! ! ! ! the drone)It’s reversed direction - CWAP will get to the bottom of this!

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER.. and it took me years to develop this machine - I’m no electronic wizard, but I kept plugging away, using my linguistic theories as a guide - the machine seemed complete, and I tried communicating with Skippy through the winter, the spring, summer, and into fall - but, I just couldn’t get the damn thing to work! - finally, I made a breakthrough - a quantum leap for science! - and it worked! - I could finally communicate with Skippy!

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANK What was wrong with it, Doc - something to do with the circuitry?


! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER! ! ! ! 1-2-5No - all that time I’d forgotten to plug it in - made a hell of a a difference! - now, this machine unscrambles Skippy’s porpoise gibberish into English, and vice-versa - it scrambles my voice into porpoise talk, and transmits it underwater to Skippy!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Training binoculars directly overhead)It’s hovering - looking right down on us!! ! ! ! ! ! (SOUNDS of a hovering drone)! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKA good topic for our next POMP meeting, Doc - ‘Porpoises are our brothers!’ - we’re just a gap away from each other - a gap that could be leaped by someone - right, Doc?

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERThat’s right, Frank - and I’ve been thinking - I could use you in my identity-exchange experiment - good of you to volunteer - I’m all out of rats!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Training binoculars overhead)It’s coming lower..!

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKI could do that, Doc - tell me, what was the first message you got through to Skippy?

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERWhy, his name! - I kept transmitting, “Skippy, Skippy, Skippy!’, but got no response - until finally one day, he answered!

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKWith a message of brotherhood?

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Training binoculars overhead).. it’s going higher..! ! ! ! ! ! (Slowly starts spinning in the other direction).. again, reverses direction!

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERNo, he said.. well, loosely translated, it came out as, “What the hell do you want?” - I was in experimental ecstasy!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Putting down binoculars, plotting).. this is producing quite a strange graph..


! ! ! ! ! ! FRANK! ! ! ! ! 1-2-6At what level do you communicate with him now, Doc?

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERI’ve found he has astounding intelligence! - I’ve been reading to him from Scientific American - about the latest advances in our understanding of neutrons, metallurgy, the stars..!

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKWhat was Skippy response? - any great advances for science?

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERFirst, he told me to cancel my subscription - then he said something quite puzzling - I’m still trying to figure that one out..

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKWhat, Doc? - POMP must know - it may hold importance for all mankind!

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERHe said, he said.. ”It’s all just a bunch of rot!” - it’s shaken me to the core of my scientific being - I’ve been in a quandary ever since - boggles the mind! - do you think he’s right?

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKYou’re the scientist! - me, I never think of such things - and I never look at the stars - I spend most of my time underwater - the world can’t find me down there! - if only I could give my speeches down there - why, I could head POMP from within a coral reef - that’s what I really want to do, Doc - return to our watery origins - become a finny beast, once again!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Training her binoculars, spinning round and ! ! ! ! ! ! round at an ever faster pace).. it’s circling faster..!! ! ! ! ! ! (SOUNDS of the drone rapidly circling)

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKOf course, this has contributed to a shaky marriage - but, Marty’s a good sport - she takes over POMP when I’m gone underwater - although she tells me, “CWAP before POMP!” - a good life-mate, wouldn’t you say, Doc?! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUND of the drone buzzing away)

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Spinning rapidly, peering, waving)Oh... don’t go!! ! ! ! ! ! (SOUNDS of the drone disappearing - Marty ! ! ! ! ! ! falls dizzily to the ground)


! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER! ! ! ! 1-2--7 Careful there - you’ll damage your mind-body complex!

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKToo much CWAP, Marty!! ! ! ! ! ! (They help Marty to her feet - she shows them ! ! ! ! ! ! her graph)!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERVery strange, a circular graph - weird, scientifically unexplainable..

! ! ! ! ! ! FRANKHuh, Marty.. more crap for CWAP! - I’m going under..!! ! ! ! ! ! (Turns and flops back to the ladder).. into the depths! - I must find out - is Skippy happy down there? - is he sad?! ! ! ! ! ! (Flops down the ladder)Is he sane?! ! ! ! ! ! (FRANK EXITS, splashing into the pool)

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Training her binoculars on the pool)What’s the matter with him?

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNEROh, I wouldn’t take him too seriously.. ! ! ! ! ! ! (Marty trains her binoculars on him).. you’ve got some relationship going! - I’m envious, dear lady - it’s no fun being a bachelor scientist - there’s no one to compare data with!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Lowering her binoculars, staring sadly into the ! ! ! ! ! ! research pool)Yes, it’s all right with me.. although when I first married Frank, I had no idea of how he was.. I waited three hours in bed on our wedding night for him to come out of the bathroom - only to find him submerged in the bathtub, breathing heavily through his snorkel, and fluttering his flippers as he peered at me through his face mask - I knew then we were in for some difficulty - but, we worked it out - he agreed to spawn with me, while we leapt upstream into the cold, roaring shower - both of us in full snorkel regalia - needless to say, we are still childless - in return, I helped him with his POMP, and he helped me with my CWAP - now we each do our own thing - it’s almost satisfying - although I still find my skin puckering, each time we spawn..

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNERWhat a logical solution!! ! ! ! ! ! (Suddenly listens through his earphones)


! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER (Con’t.)! ! ! 1-2-8It’s Skippy! - he’s heard everything we said! - he says.. “Why all the hassle? - life is for living!”- damned Buddhist! - and yet, I’m excited! - porpoises could become the allies of man - partners in science!! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! MARTY! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)Tell me, Doctor Sterner, do porpoises.. spawn?

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER No, Marty - only fish spawn - porpoises breed in a curiously human fashion - you might almost say - they make love!

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTYReally, Doctor?

! ! ! ! ! ! DR. STERNER! ! ! ! ! ! (Again listening through his earphones)Skippy’s making another statement! - yes, he says.. “Let’s get it on!” - cryptic creature, that Skippy - get it on what? - this could be another breakthrough - for man and mammal!! ! ! ! ! ! (Takes off his earphones)But, what does it mean? - I’ll have to Google this on my computer, dear lady! - get it on, get it on..yourself?! ! ! ! ! ! (DR. STERNER EXITS - Marty goes over to ! ! ! ! ! ! the pool, peers into it with her binoculars)

! ! ! ! ! ! MARTYGet it on.. with a porpoise?! ! ! ! ! ! (LIGHTS DIM)

! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE END

! ! ! ! ! ! SCENE 3! ! ! ! ! 1-3-1

At Rise: A dark office - a desk, some chairs, one window, a closet door. X is staring at the wall. The SOUND of a knock on the door.

! ! ! ! ! ! X

It’a a dull existence!

! ! ! ! ! ! Y (OFFSTAGE)A bland life!


! ! ! ! ! ! X! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-2Pass!! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER Y and McCHESNEY, pouch on belt) ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! YI got him, X - the courier, McChesney..

! ! ! ! ! ! XShhh! - don’t tell me his name, Y - I don’t want to know it! - and next time you have to stay here, while I ride the elevator to meet the courier - you’ve ridden it eleven times this week - to my three!

! ! ! ! ! ! YI’m claustrophobic - sometimes I have to get out and go for a ride!!! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI assume you are both part of Operation Sea Dog..

! ! ! ! ! ! XWhy, yes!

! ! ! ! ! ! YQuiet, X! - no comment, courier..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY It’s dark in here - I can hardly see - why are the blinds drawn? - it’s a nice sunny day..

! ! ! ! ! ! YThis is a classified office, courier- it’s classified S, for Secret - all S offices are ordered to have their blinds drawn at all times - I’m going to let you in on a little secret - we can do that in an S office..! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes over to the window).. there isn’t a window here at all - this office has no windows..! ! ! ! ! ! (Raises blinds).. it’s only a picture of a window, painted on the wall by X - against strict orders forbidding individual expression! - I went to ride the elevator, and when I got back, there was this window, with X staring dreamily out it - he could have been de-classified! - fortunately, we decided to treat it as an official S window, and finally someone ordered an official S blind hung over it - we barely kept our clearances..

! ! ! ! ! ! XI don’t care - I’m frustrated! ! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes to closet, opens it)..someday I may jump out that window - because I’m not just a government agent..! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls out a palette and artist’s paint brush) I’m an artist! - this job is just for the money - but, it’s stifling me!


! ! ! ! ! ! X (Con’t.)! ! ! ! ! 1-3-3! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes to the window with palette, draws blind, ! ! ! ! ! ! holds paint brush up before his eye)See that big tree limb stretching out, the pine needles - the brilliant blue sky? - I painted that! - made it seem we’re in a bird’s nest, eighty feet in the air - do you like being a bird?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYIt’s so dark in here, I feel like an owl - why have blinds drawn over a painting?

! ! ! ! ! ! YOrders! - because this is not a bird’s nest - it’s an S classified office!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYWhy don’t you just turn on the lights?

! ! ! ! ! ! YOrders! - we’re not to show a light through the window - silhouettes, they said - only to be seen by people with clearances!

! ! ! ! ! ! XThe same orders that tell us to wear these bland suits - gray on gray..

! ! ! ! ! ! YMr. Z picks them out for us..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYWho’s Mr. Z?

! ! ! ! ! ! XMr. Z is Mister Big in this secret operation - B! - I! - G! - I believe that’s how he spells it - - Mr. Z is head agent in charge of Operation Sea Dog..

! ! ! ! ! ! Y Enough, X! - we’ve got to be careful..! ! ! ! ! (To McChesney)Why don’t you take a seat? - whatever your name is..

! ! ! ! ! ! X! ! ! ! !See! - we’ve already forgotten! - it’s better for all of us..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Sitting down in a chair)Where is this.. Mr. Z?


! ! ! ! ! ! Y! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-4We don’t know.. sometimes, he doesn’t know! - it’s all classified..

! ! ! ! ! ! XJust relax, like we’d like to do..

! ! ! ! ! ! Y.. and we’ll wait for Mr. Z..! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause - they all look at each other)

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYWho are you guys, anyway?

! ! ! ! ! ! XI’m Y, and he’s X..

! ! ! ! ! ! YWait a minute - wait a minute! - you just said, “I’m Y and he’s X..

! ! ! ! ! ! XI know that’s what I said, “I’m Y and you’re X..”

! ! ! ! ! ! Y I am not X!

! ! ! ! ! ! X! ! ! ! ! ! (Pointing to McChesney)He’s X?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYNo, I’m..! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! X! ! ! ! ! ! (Interrupting)Y, right?

! ! ! ! ! ! YHe is neither X or Y!

! ! ! ! ! ! XNeither X or Y? - what silly nonsense!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYWhy the letters?

! !


! ! ! ! ! ! Y! ! ! ! ! 1-3-5So, none of us know who the others are - it could get dangerous!

! ! ! ! ! ! XYou should hear my real name - it’s Russian!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYYou look alike - are you brothers?

! ! ! ! ! ! Y We don’t know - that’s classified!` - we’ve been given new identities with new pasts..

! ! ! ! ! ! XI’ll tell you a little secret - according to our classified pasts, we came into existence only a month ago - I sneaked a secret look at our secret files..

! ! ! ! ! ! YYou told a big secret - I may have to report that!

! ! ! ! ! ! XYou’ve told some pretty big secrets, too! - the files said we never had friends..

! ! ! ! ! ! Y! ! ! ! ! ! (To X) I’m glad I never got close to you..

! ! ! ! ! ! X.. and we never had families..

! ! ! ! ! ! Y You’re no brother to me!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! X .. we’ve been formed anew..

! ! ! ! ! ! Y! ! ! ! ! ! (To X)You may find me watching you!

! ! ! ! ! ! X.. the government has made us what we are..

! ! ! ! ! ! Y Defamation of the State! - a most dangerous practice!

!


! ! ! ! ! ! X! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-6.. we found our jobs through an ad in a newspaper..

! ! ! ! ! ! Y A patriotic ad! - though subtly worded..

! ! ! ! ! ! XIt said, “Quite an opportunity!”

! ! ! ! ! ! Y “In service to the Fatherland!”! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause)

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Looking around the dark room)Don’t you guys ever get lonely in here?

! ! ! ! ! ! Y That’s against orders!

! ! ! ! ! ! XBut another secret - sometimes I feel melancholy - they haven’t found out about that..! ! ! ! ! ! (Another pause)

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI hope Mr. Z gets here soon..! ! ! ! ! ! (Tapping the pouch on his belt)I want to give the old dog his bone..

! ! ! ! ! ! YMr. Z doesn’t like bones..! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! XHe doesn’t even like dogs..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYLet me explain - but first, how do I know I can trust you?

! ! ! ! ! ! YYou can trust us - we’re your government!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYWhat could be more deserving of trust? - listen, my orders are to give a certain something - something very important! - to a secret contact through this office - that contact may be Mr. Z, but I can’t be sure until he answers my code phrase with his code phrase!


! ! ! ! ! ! Y! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-7Of course, being agents, you’ll have to tell us the code phrase..

! ! ! ! ! ! XPlease tell us the code phrase - we just love secrets!

! ! ! ! ! ! YJust that they’re so hard to keep!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looking at them)The code phrase is.. “sea dog”!

! ! ! ! ! ! XSea dog? - that’s a good one!

! ! ! ! ! ! Y And the reply? - you’ve got to tell us the reply!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, looking from one to the other)The reply is.. “give a dog a bone”!

! ! ! ! ! ! Y“Give a dog a bone”? - perfect!

! ! ! ! ! ! XBut, what if Mr. Z doesn’t know the reply?

! ! ! ! ! ! YImpossible! - Mr. Z knows all!! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYMy orders are if the contact can’t come up with the matching code phrase..! ! ! ! ! ! (Touching the pouch on his belt).. I’m not to give him the “bone”!

! ! ! ! ! ! YShhh! - don’t say that - you must always give Mr. Z what he wants!

! ! ! ! ! ! XOr he could take away your identity - and you’d be just like us!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYThose are my orders!! ! ! ! ! ! (The SOUND of a knock on the door)


! ! ! ! ! ! X! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-8! ! ! ! ! ! (Calling out)“It’s a dull existence!”

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z (OFFSTAGE)Open the door, stupid!

! ! ! ! ! ! YIt’s Mr. Z!! ! ! ! ! ! (X opens the door)Good morning, boss!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZIt’s always a good morning when you work in a bird’s nest, X! - or are you Y?

! ! ! ! ! ! XI’m..! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)

! ! ! ! ! ! YI’m Y!

! ! ! ! ! ! XI must be X!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z I’m glad we established that early today..! ! ! ! ! ! (To McChesney).. and you must be our long awaited courier!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI am McChesney!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZShhh! - we’ll just call you M from now on - X, Y - that’s good boys - wait outside the door for further orders..

! ! ! ! ! ! YI like waiting for orders - it gives me a purpose!! ! ! ! ! ! (Y EXITS)

! ! ! ! ! ! XCan I bring my palette and brush?

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZNo!


! ! ! ! ! ! X! ! ! ! ! ! 1-3-8But, I’m an artist! - why stifle me? - a happy agent is a good agent..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZTake them!

! ! ! ! ! ! XArt will forever be indebted, Mr. Z..! ! ! ! ! ! (X EXITS with his brush and palette)

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZHe could lose his letter for that.. now, M - I assume you have what we want!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI may have, Mr. Z - you old sea dog, you!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)I’ve.. never been to sea, M - can’t even swim - give me the sample..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYWell, just like a dog? - to bark for his .. you know!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR.ZNo dogs allowed in an S office - that’s orders! - I don’t even like dogs - too much variety! - and our code experts are still trying to crack the bark - until we do, we don’t know who’s side they’re on! - all our watchdogs are being watched - so, no dogs! - now, give me the sample!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYSince we’re talking about dogs - what do dogs really like?

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZI will say one thing for dogs - they don’t ask a lot of questions! - now, I want the sample - remember your orders, M!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI know my orders! - why don’t you follow your orders?

! ! ! ! ! ! MR .ZMy orders are not answer any questions about my orders!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYMy orders are to follow my orders, even if you’re not following your orders!

! !


! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z!! ! ! ! ! 1-3-8Well, dammit, man - follow your orders, so I can follow my orders!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYI am!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZI don’t see it!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYLet’s try, again - now, I have dog at home..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZI hope he follows his orders!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYHe does follow his orders - and I give him a treat, a reward - know what I give him? - I give my dog a..! ! ! ! ! ! (A pause, they both stare at each other)

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZA what?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYThat’s what I want to know!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z But, he’s your dog!! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYAnd after I give “it” to him - he chews it right up!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZChews what right up?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYThat’s what I what to know!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZBut, you gave it to him, didn’t you?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYGave him what?

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZI don’t know!


! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! 1-3-8Sometimes he doesn’t chew “it” all up, and I wrap “it” in a newspaper..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZWrap what? - I’ll tell you one thing, M - if you want to be sure your dog chews the treat all up - I wouldn’t give your dog “it”, anymore - I’d give a dog a bone - that he would chew!! ! ! ! ! ! (McChesney quickly unsnaps the pouch from ! ! ! ! ! ! his belt - gives it to Mr. Z - Mr. Z looks down at ! ! ! ! ! ! the pouch)Now, I know why I don’t like dogs .. so this is the secret pouch!! ! ! ! ! ! (He unzips the pouch)Confound it! - who ordered this thing to stink?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYThe sample was removed from the target more than three days ago..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZIt should have been kept frozen! - and this pouch - who ordered red? - too obvious! - from now on, I’ll order all secret pouches to be brown!! ! ! ! ! ! (Pulls out the sample, peers at it)What the devil is it, M?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)It’s.. a toe - one big toe - the official sample!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZThe official sample is.. a big toe? - that’s what I’ve been waiting for? - what the government’s been waiting for? - that’s what Operation Sea Dog needs to proceed to a successful conclusion?! ! ! ! ! ! (Stares at toe)Well, it’s not a big toe - it’s BT! - and BT is putrifying! - that’s against orders! - I’ve got to get this to Doctor K immediately, before it spoils - at last - I can follow my orders!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYDoctor K! - who’s Doctor K?

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)Doctor K is very high up in the alphabet! - he’s a government scientist, operating under top-secret cover! - Doctor K is going to take BT to his classified mobile lab - for a new experiment - Doctor K is going to use BT to clone a new being - F!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYF? - who’s F going to be?


! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z!! ! ! ! ! 1-3-9Nobody at my level seems to know - but rumors have filtered down through the alphabet - that F is an exact double of a malcontent!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYA malcontent? - I didn’t know there were any left!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZThe government has managed to locate a small pocket of them - a twisted ecology leader, a maverick scientist, and a strange woman who’s been spying on our helicopters - we’re going to discredit them!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYAh, the government!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZWatch it, M - or we’ll be watching you!! ! ! ! ! ! (Calls offstage, through door)X! Y! - come in here!! ! ! ! ! ! (ENTER Y and X, carrying brush and palette)

! ! ! ! ! ! YSir! - we’ve been awaiting our orders!

! ! ! ! ! ! XNot me! - I’ve been painting on the outside of the door - a picture of a window! - we’ve been watching you all the time!

! ! ! ! ! ! YI refused to look through it!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZQuiet! - X, Y, I order you to take this secret pouch - which from now on will be referred to as P - you are to take P to Doctor K! - under no circumstances are you to unzip P - Y, keep P snapped to your belt at all times!! ! ! ! ! ! (He gives the pouch to Y)

! ! ! ! ! ! YRight, Mr. Z!! ! ! ! ! ! (He snaps pouch to belt)

! ! ! ! ! ! XSir! - could you tell us the contents of P - so that Doctor K will have no reason to question us, upon delivery?

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! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z!! ! ! ! ! 1-3-10P contains BT - and Doctor K knows what to do with P - he has orders! - go, agents!! ! ! ! ! ! (X and Y EXIT)

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYMr. Z.. ever think what we are about to do, may be morally wrong?

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZDammit, watch your tongue - this office may be bugged!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY But, who would have bugged S?

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZI may have, you fool!! ! ! ! ! ! (Rising)Now, M - what you are about to see, about to hear - must never be repeated!! ! ! ! ! ! (Goes to the closet)It is time to put on my..! ! ! ! ! ! (Opens closet door).. secret disguise!! ! ! ! ! ! (He rummages in the closet)Not a word of this, M - or, no social security for you!! ! ! ! ! ! (He puts on a false nose and mustache, ! ! ! ! ! ! attached to a pair of sunglasses)You see, M, you think I’m just old Mr. Z, head of a top-secret agency..! ! ! ! ! ! (Swings a long, dark, cape over his shoulders) .. but back in my youth, I was also known as..! ! ! ! ! ! (Puts on a dark hat with long feathers).. The Hawk - the infamous Hawk! - skreee-ahh!! ! ! ! ! ! (Starts gliding around the room).. .. wherever The Hawk flew, evil cowered in its burrows!! ! ! ! ! ! (Swirls around in his cape)Skreee-ahh! - up in the sky! - that shadow! - could it be? - no, no - but, yes, yes - we’re dopomed! - it’s, it’s - The Hawk! - skreee-ahh!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYThe Hawk! - I’ve heard of your daring exploits in the past!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Circling)Yes, yes?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYThe infamous Bangkok Connection! - the year 1976 - and a secret Eastern cult is smuggling jewels and drugs out of Bangkok, and into our own country! - some of our


! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY (Con’t.)! ! ! 1-3-11best agents are assigned to stop them - but all die bizarre, diabolical deaths! - no can can crack the evil ring - the government is in despair - our intelligence is baffled! - until, until..!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Circling)Yes, yes, go on!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY One man can is found who can save all that is decent and pure in a world full of rot!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Circling)Yes, yes - but who?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYAn ultimate agent who could stand up for mankind, and fight this Satanic plot against the good life!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Circling)Skreee-ahh! - who is it, man?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYA one-man beacon of goodness, hope and light!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z!!! ! ! ! ! ! (Circling)Is it, is it.. ?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY Yes! - Steve Stallion! - the greatest agent who ever lived!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Stops circling, droops his wings)Steve.. Steve who?

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYUnfortunately, Steve Stallion wasn’t available - so they called in a relative unknown..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z.. but an agent with great potential!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY.. a man no one knew anything about..


! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z!! ! ! ! ! 1-3-12.. he wanted it that way!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY.. a man dressed only in feathers..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z.. it was his style!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY.. a secret being known by a blood-curdling cry!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZSkreee-ahh!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY.. a cry of, “Awk! Awk!”

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. ZAwk, awk? - oh yes, I was quite young in those days..

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY .. a shadowy form known as..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Circling again)Skreee-awwkkk!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY.. The Bird!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Stopping)The Hawk, dammit! - I later changed it to The Hawk!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYLate one muggy night, a mysterious aerial being swoops down on the waterfront..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z.. so hot - all my feathers were molting!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY .. and in only one hour, twisting and turning in the dark..

‘! ! ! ! ! ! MR.Z.. my beady little eyes could hardly see!


! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY! ! ! ! 1-3-13.. he swooped down on the cultists, until..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z.. I kept flapping into things!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY.. at dawn, the Bangkok connection is severed!

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Swooping).. all in a night’s work!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY.. that morning, seven cultists are found stuffed in a makeshift nest on the wharf..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z.. my trademark!

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEY.. diamonds and drugs scattered over their poor, pecked bodies..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Circling)Skreee-ahh!! ! ! ! ! ! (Perching on a chair, pecking at his feathers)So good, to be young - the old days! - swooping around, preying on villains - dropping like a thunderbolt out of the sky - then rising, evil seized in my talons!! ! ! ! ! ! (His wings droop)But, now, now.. not so good - once I dropped like a thunderbolt on a store-mannequin in a Macy’s window - Skreee-awwwk! - crash! - took six stitches and a month’s wages too put me back together- maybe getting too old..! ! ! ! ! ! (Sits dejected, his wings dragging on the floor)

! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYListen, Hawk.. you can never go back - don’t think about the past - your time is now! - and you are what you are - The Hawk! - you can still fly - and launch yourself on another noble mission - or at least, glide cooly..

! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses, begins to perk up)Why.. you’re right, M! - been feeling sorry for myself.. just because I’m older, doesn’t mean I have to give up - The Hawk.. ! ! ! ! ! ! (Launches from the chair).. can keep on flapping! - Skreee-ahh! - my role in Operation Sea Dog is just beginning! - this bizarre case of mis-guided individuals opposing government policy - our good


! ! ! ! ! ! MR. Z (Con’t.)! ! ! ! 1-3-14versus their evil! - but, they can be saved - we now know their names! - Frank, Marty, Doctor Sterner - The Hawk will re-build their nests! - Operation Sea Dog - it will be my most celebrated case! - Skreee-ahh! ! ! ! ! ! ! (Pauses)But, I almost forgot! - I assigned those two turkeys, X and Y - to carry out a most vital part of the operation - my reputation could be ruined! - but Operation Sea Dog must not fail! - the Hawk! - has a plan..! ! ! ! ! ! (Perches on the chair, again).. I’ll observe them from a secret aerial perch - Doctor K must get that sample! ! ! ! ! ! ! (Mr. Z runs to the door, his cape streaming ! ! ! ! ! ! behind him) The Hawk! - will guarantee the success of Operation Sea Dog!! ! ! ! ! ! (Flings open the door, launches himself)Skreee-ahh! - look out evil!! ! ! ! ! ! (MR. Z EXITS, flapping out the door)! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! McCHESNEYPoor deluded bird-brain..

! ! ! ! ! ! (LIGHTS DIM)

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Documents

Operation Sea Dog