Other Woman

8/14/2019 Other Woman

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Note - Due to the sheer volume of comments on the original version of this post, I have

had to repost it as the page could not be displayed. Comments will remain open on this

post until the discussion board is set up and then they will be closed to prevent slowrunning of the site. Thanks to the many women that posted on the original.

1. Have your escape route planned. If you have any sense of self worth planned, dontbebanking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be

the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.

2. Dont be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is

needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following

through - youll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesnt actually have to

make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there shouldonly be ONE.

3. Do tell someonebut do ensure that you tell someone who isnt going to blow the lid

on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need

someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you thatyou should be doing better.

4. Dont get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. The only person youre

trapping is yourself. A baby is for lifenot for using as a tool to get what you want.

5. Get a life. Dont make him the focal point of your existence and dont be afraid to

spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends andfamily. The better you

feel about yourself, the quicker youll come to your senses about being the other woman.

Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control andmakes you very dependent on him. Not good!

6. Dont be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a

man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?

7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isnt a goodindicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with hisgirlfriend/wife. This doesnt mean he loves you - it means hes greedy, indecisive, cowardly

and a cheat.

8. Dont slag off the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favours and makes you appearto be jealous and childish. Its a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever

reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasnt left her andhes still with her.

9. Dont turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails andwanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his

kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking

carry-on, its time to abort the mission and bail out.
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10. Dont cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isnt

someone elses. Take off the rosetinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him

for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesnt take that long to leavesomeone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did loveyou, hed put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Dont let him

convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself - you are better than playingsecond best.

When youre The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible

highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will

become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with theguy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless

something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a

hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site,and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help

to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first,

think about this point first?

Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand

into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still

unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, youre wasting your own

time. Otherise.

1. Be firm and strong.

Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up withhim and you are sick of the situation, he shouldnt be able to wheedle his way around

you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to getaround you. This time he cant.

2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.

If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the

time but probably dont hold up after the event and hell make promises that he means at

the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he cant give youwhat you need, want and deserve, however, youre also breaking up with him because

YOU are better than this.

3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.

Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is

that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of hislife, feels far different to the flimsy relationship that youre in now.

4. Think of the woman hes with, the woman that you view as the person who is

robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings
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and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourselfin her shoes and ask yourself

how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told

you about why hes with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be

with HER.

5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3,6, 9, 12 months or even in years?

6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years wont have to be spentwaiting for his call or snatching a moment together.

7. Go cold turkey.

If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay

with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you

are so that you dont worry. There should be absolutely no contact.

8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have .

When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not,

they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is

how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You mustbreak the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but dont pick up calls.

Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his

call, be out. Be busy. If you think youll be tempted to be swayed, change yourmobile

phone or block his email address.

9. Tell somebody that you trust.

Youd be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into

the mans hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A

confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choosesomeone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that its time to quit.

10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee

jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to

craving some sort of emotional replacement - there is no progress in ditching a

married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point indating if its

a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentiallybecomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move onand the married guy doesnt figure any longer.

11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you

dont feel better immediately. In fact, youre likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You

must give it time though. Weatherthe storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears andfrustration but dont give in. Your relationship is over.
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12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of

wearing down yourself esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you

feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helpingyou to heal, understand and move on.

13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with theattached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst

you focused yourenergies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off careerdecisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friendsor family, build bridges. If you have

neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are

truly intent on succeeding. Its because its been all about him why you lasted so longwith him in the first place.

14. Yes Im sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you

REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics

and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure,

sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put bothfeet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you

wouldnt be reading this and you wouldnt be breaking up. You wouldnt even wantmore.

15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and

realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat

are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will

always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.

NB!!! This post has been republished due to the very high volume of comments on the

original post creating technical issues such as slowing down the site and preventing theoriginal post from being reloaded. The original post and comments are no longeravailable and thank you to everyone who contributed the almost 500 comments!

Comments will remain open on this post until they get to a level that is deemed

technically unsuitable. Please note that the forumis up and running and that you can chatwith some of the women who wrote the original comments. Registration needed. Thanks

NML, editor and site owner.

From The Other Woman to Happiness

April 3, 2007 at 6:03 pm Filed underMr Unavailable/Emotionally Unavailable, Being

The Other Woman, Emotional Wellbeing,Cheating - Infidelity

If someone had suggested that I would ever be The Other Woman (TOW), I would have

laughed them out of town and told them to F off, but somehow I found myself taking up

the role with gusto for 18 months. It was without a doubt the most foolish, damagingthing that I have ever done to myself. I started out as an independent, single twenty-

something who had broken up with her ex and was looking for no strings fun, and
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somehow shelved that to become a snivelling, insecure, emotional yo-yo that harped on

with my stock phrase of So when are you leaving her?

Looking back, I realise how ridiculous a lot of my logic was about my situation (God Ihate that word) but hindsight does give you 20:20 vision. I was the TOW to a guy who

wasnt even married! He had a girlfriend.who hed only been together with for a fewmonths.and she needed himand bla, bla, bla. Despite starting out as fun, it was a

matter of months before I had declared love and making him mine became my focus. Itdidnt take long before I acknowledged that being a TOW meant being perpetually

disappointed, increasingly frustrated, miserable and very much second best. These men

are very good at making you feel like they are giving you the earth, when in fact theyregiving you a spade full of dried up soil. I got sucked into the declarations of love, the

rationalising of his situation and the assumption that he clearly wasnt happy and that I

was giving him what he needed.

The reality is that a man doesnt need to be unhappy with his relationship to cheat. If he is

cheating inclined, hell cheat whether the going is good or bad. Its not about her, itsabout him. Theyre selfish, self-involved twats. He didnt even see himself as a cheat and

like many of these men, he could very comfortably have lived his double life for as longas I would let him.

Rationalising what was happening, ignoring how the situation made me feel and leading a

double life took its toll on my health. He ruined countless social occasions with his

jealousy and possessiveness because despite being spineless and lacking in enough ballsto make a choice, he couldnt cope with the idea of a man talking to me. Every guy was

trying to get into my pants, according to him. We would spend time together but I was

always wondering whether things were ever going to change, and the temporary of high

of being with him would quickly be replaced with the anxiety that accompanies the roleof TOW.

It would take an age to tell every single story of every disappointment, but the turning

point came when I had a panic attack. Hed been whining about men being interested inme and pressurising me about our situation and suddenly I couldnt breathe and was

sitting in a doorway in the middle of London trying to pull myself together. It was one of

the most awful things to happen to me and his way to deal with it was to escort me to thetube, put me on it, and go home to his girlfriend as he was too afraid to make sure I got

home in one piece

It took 3 weeks to get feel my normal self again and several more before I finally

managed to get through to him and dump him. It was agony but mostly because Idbecome such an emotional wreck that I was battling with insecurities and doubts about

what I had done. But beneath it all was a growing relief. Whilst I went out with more

assclowns than I care to remember, I know that it a coincidence that I had bad taste in

men, and that the heart of the problem was me. I had really unhealthy love habits and Ivery misguided notions about love which were able to take grip when combined with my

low self-esteem.


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It was so hard to let go of him but what kept me focused was putting myself first. He put

himself first and then his girlfriend and if I couldnt prioritise myself, who would? I

started to take care of myself and found the self love that had been clearly lacking withinmyself. I spent more time on my own but also started to put my life back together. It

became a relief not to have to wait for his calls, emails, texts and arrangements and I

started to look back at the past more objectively and be truthful with myself about exactlyhow awful I had really felt. I hated the dishonesty. I hated the rollercoaster of the

emotions and I hated how I felt about myself during that time when I was with him. I

didnt need to be questioning what was wrong with me or what was so great with her andI no longer needed or wanted his validation.

It was strange because once I started being more real with myself, I looked at him

completely differently and saw him and his actions for what they were. The rose coloured

glasses were removed and I realised that the more connected me had no interest in a manlike him. He wasnt some poor guy in an unfortunate situation he was a spineless,

manipulative excuse of a man that had rationalised what he was doing so that he got to

think that he was the good guy. He felt no responsibility for anything and no matter whathe said, he didnt love me ENOUGH and never could. Love would have made himbehave with honesty and integrity, not drag it out for 18 months whilst coasting in the

comfort zone. His situation wasnt different he was exactly the same as any man that

cheats and has a story to justify their behaviour. They ALL sing the same tune, just withdifferent tones.

After ending it, I went on to be involved with a couple of Mr Unavailables (emotionally

unavailable men) but instead of putting myself through the torture, I found that the

steadily gathering self love meant that I wasnt prepared to put up with their antics and Iditched them. I just wasnt that desperate to be in a relationship or to be loved. I realised

that I had very destructive love habits through being real with myself and I confrontedthem head on so that I could move forward.

My health improved, life was great and I had a good relationship with myself. Irecognised where Id been and I vowed to be true to myself and stay clear of assclowns. I

became very good at spotting them and three days after ditching the last assclown and

thinking that I was in the dating saddle for the long haul, I met my boyfriend. It was atotally different experience to any relationship Id ever had and the beauty was that I was

personally happy when I met him, which meant that I embraced the potential of what we

had. I carry some battle scars from the past, but my self-awareness is so heightened nowthat rather than the insecure, misguided voices that I used to hear, I have a more positive

voice telling me to get a grip. Im having our first child next month (touch wood) and I

can truly say that I have never been happier. Not just because I met him, but because Imet myself beforehand.

Life doesnt start when a guy comes blazing in on his white horse and whisks you away

to happy ever after. Life, Ive learnt, is what you make it, and its as good as you want it

to be. When I knew what I wanted from my life, there was no room for a guy that waslacking the balls to even make the decision to be with me. Fact is, the woman has bigger


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balls than the cheating man, she just needs to learn how to use them

to get wise and walk away!

Challenging Your Role of Being The Other Woman

November 20, 2006 at 4:37 pm Filed underMr Unavailable/Emotionally Unavailable,Being The Other Woman,Love & Relationships

So youve found yourself caught in a triangle. Just so you dont get too comfortable,

remember these things!

1. Every woman who is The Other Woman thinks that theyre situation is unique. Itsunique because youre in it, but when you strip away the reasoning, the excuses, every

situation has the same core elements.

2. Ever man that cheats thinks that his situation is unique. Its not but it makes him sleep

easier at night.

3. The longer that hes comfortable with the situation, the longer that the relationshipcontinues, is a sign of a man who is very comfortable with the situation and not looking

to change anything very soon. If it was really weighing down on his conscience, it

couldnt last past a few months or a year.

4. These men are selfish. The Other Woman sees wonderful qualities in him because she

needs to, but only a selfish man could continue to do this.

5. These men are very good at rationalising their actions. They are very good at placing

themselves on a pedestal and not seeing themselves in the negative light that they should.They suffer from an intensified version of Disproportionate Sense of Male Self.

6. The sex is good because the situation is so wrong on many levels - Great dysfunctional

sex. When youre the other woman there is a lot of emotion swimming around which

heightens the apparent attraction. The reassurance of his feelings, that he will leave oneday, that you are the most important, that its just a matter of time, that hes not sleeping

with her etc, etc all just play havoc with your emotions and with yourlibido.

7. Whatever he says, you are playing second fiddle. The only role you should be playing

lead character, centre stage, no understudy.

8. Its easy for him to think that you do all of the things that the main woman doesnt but

thats because you arent living a normal life together. You guys have time to talk, time

for lots of sex, time for dress up and kinky play, time for stolen moments because you

arent cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty underpants and suckling one of his kids onyour breast.

9. If he actually left his wife/girlfriend, would you actually trust him?
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10. Are you really that happy? Dig deep and think about how you feel on a

day to day basis. Are you worrying, fretting, depressed, mood swinging,

uncertain, miserable, confused, desperate, too dependent? Has your lifereally been that enhanced? Do you really believe hell leave? Do you believe everything

hes told you? Is this how you saw yourself?

Being The Other Woman Revisited - Its straight talking

time.

September 5, 2006 at 9:35 pm Filed underRelationship Barriers, Cheating/Infidelity,

Being The Other Woman,Love & Relationships

Back in June, I wrote about Coping With Being the Other Woman which gave tips for anywoman who had found herself relegated to second place due to being with someone elses

man. Ultimately my advice was and is not to cope, but I was surprised at the stories and

emails that have come through from women who have found themselves in this situation.

First of all, there is a reason why all of these people have been searchingfor content aboutthe subject: on some level, they know that their relationship is completely jacked up.

Very few claimed to be happy with the situation, most were being driven demented. A

few months on, I feel it necessary to readdress this issue with a dose of straight talking.

The relationship is built on dishonesty. You would be surprised how the excuses forhaving an affair all boil down to only a few basic excuses that are trotted out the world

over. It doesnt matter if youre in a mud hut in the middle of Africa, or in what you think

is your plush life in the city. Lots of people claim that their partner doesnt understand

them. Lots claim that they are no longer sleeping with them. Lots claim they stay withtheir partner for the kids. Some claim that their jobs frown upon divorce. Others say that

she (or he) wouldnt be able to cope. Many claim that they are just waiting for the righttime, the right moment, the right second/minute/hour/day/year to break the news.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/being-the-other-woman-revisited-its-straight-talking-time/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/being-the-other-woman-revisited-its-straight-talking-time/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/barriers/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/cheatinginfidelity/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/cheatinginfidelity/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/page/2/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/page/2/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/page/2/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/page/2/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/being-the-other-woman-revisited-its-straight-talking-time/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/being-the-other-woman-revisited-its-straight-talking-time/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/barriers/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/cheatinginfidelity/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/page/2/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/page/2/http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/relationships/being-the-other-woman/page/2/

Documents

Other Woman