September 2000 Volume 10 Number 9

South Central

Missouri Chapter

A non-profit self-help organization for families who have experienced the death of a child

The C ompass ionate Friends , Inc C opyright 200 0 All Righ ts Res erved

The South Central Missouri Chapter of TheCompassionate Friends Meets Each Second

Monday of the Month at 7:00 P M in TheCompassionate Friends Centre Suite 1354,The Forum Plaza Shopping Center Locatedat Forum Drive and Tenth Street in Rolla.

The Compassionate Friends, IncP O Box 2245 � Rolla Mo 65402-2245(573) 308-0081(Answering Machine)Website http://www.rollanet.org/~tcfi/

Newsletter Editor: Paul Spurgeonpspurg@tigernet.missouri.org

573-699-4417

Would you like more information? Do you have a needto talk? Please feel free to call any one of the followingpeople. We understand and we wil l always listen. Eachof these people also would be glad to makearrangements for you to use the library during themonth.

Dick and Kathy Gordon, Salem (573) 729 -4554

Gerry Hall, Rolla (573) 308-1013

Joe & Emogene Mathis, Lebanon (417) 588-8589

Alice Osborn, Rolla (573) 341-5387

Paul & Lynn Spurgeon, St. James (573) 699-4417

Charlotte Sutton, Houston (417) 967-3381

Dottie Taylor, W aynesville (573) 336-5933

We Need Not Walk Alone

� The mission of the Compassionate Friends isto assist families in the positive resolution ofgrief following the death of a child and toprovide information to help others besupportive �

Our S incerest Thanks to :

Scotts-The Printing Company

for printing our new sletter every month .

Chapter Meeting: September 11, 7:00 P.M.Meeting Topic:

"I am changing but who is this new person?Where is my self image, my faith in myself, myinner self/spirit ? Can I accept the new me?"

Memorial Butterfly ReleaseSeptember 16 2:00 � 4:00 PM Rolla Chamber ofCommerce Visitors Center, Rolla Missouri.Come join us as we honor the memory of ourchildren, brothers and sisters with a beautiful and wondrous expression of our love.

Neighboring Chapters of The Compassionate Friends:

Greater O zarks Ch apter:

Meets 3rd Tuesday 7:00 P.M. South Haven Baptist Church

2353 S Campbell Ave Springf ield MO

Mary Ann Hale Chapter leader-(417) 887-7089

The M id-Misso uri Chapter :

Meets on the las t Mond ay at 7:00 P .M. S t. Mary's Hosp ital

Jefferson City Mo and in Columbia Mo Boone County Electric Coop 1413 RL.

RD.-2nd Monday 7:00 P.M.

Del Mcmillen Chapter leader (573) 474 7048

Lake of the Ozarks Ch apter:

Meets 2nd Thursday 7:00 P.M. (573)-374-0647 Christian Church

Hwy O Laurie Mo. Marjorie Shore Chapter leader (573) 374-8805

Arkansas & Missouri Regional CoordinatorGerry Hall (573) 308 -1013

phall100@fidnet.com

Page 2 September 2000

Darcie Sims is Coming to Rolla!

Thursday, October 26th Darcie will be in Rolla. Duringthe day she will be doing programs for the communityin the morning at the court house and at the hospital

for medical professionals that afternoon. At 7:00 P.M. at thePhelps County Court House she will present a program forThe Compassionate Friends.

Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CGC, CHT is a bereavedparent, a nationally certi fied grief counselor, a certifiedpastoral bereavement counselor, and a licensedpsychotherapist and hypnotherapist. She is the author ofWhy Are the Casseroles Always Tuna? , Footsteps Throughthe Valley, Touchstones, If I Could Just See Hope, FindingYour Way Through Grief, and The Other Side of Grief. Sheco-authored A Place for Me: A Heal ing Journey for KidsAges 8-80 with her daughter, Alicia Sims Franklin. She isan internationally recognized speaker and was Coping Editorfor Bereavement Magazine for 12 years, and was theDirector of the American Grief Academy for more than 4years. She served on the national board of directors for TheCompassionate Friends, the national board of directors forthe Association for Death Education and Counseling, andthe national board of trustees for The National CatholicMinistry to the Bereaved. She co-chaired the 1991 and1996 World Gatherings on Bereavement and is an advisorfor the 2001 World Gathering. Darcie is a diplomate in theAmerican Psychotherapy Association, a Certified Diplomatein Clinical Hypnotherapy. She is listed in Who's Who inAmerica, The W orld Who's Who of Women, and theInternational Who's Who of Professional and BusinessWomen.

Please mark your calendar and plan to attend one of thesessions. Darcie entertains as she informs. She will takeyou from laughter to tears and back again. Her message isone that everyone should hear.

The South Central Missouri Chapter of The CompassionateFriends, Inc has been approved as an offi cial United WayAgency for the year 2001. Chapter Volunteers will be part ofthe United Way campaign and will help col lect funds. If yourplace of employment participates in the United Way, youcan specify that your donation go specifically to our chapter.

What Would He Tell Me.........about His First Day of School

OK. I didn't think it was going to bother me this much. I'vebeen saying for weeks that I couldn't wait til l school startedto get Scott and Ashley out of my hair. (They couldn't wait toget me out of theirs, either!) So here it is, the eve of the first day of school, and I'mthinking, "What would tomorrow be like if Nicholas werehere?" His turn finally comes to stand outside with backpackand new shoes, waiting for the big yellow school bus. Or

would he have been the only one of the three who wantedMom to take him to his first day of kindergarten? Whatwould he come home and tell me about his first day ofschool? And what about the kids- "his class?" Wil l I forever look atthese kids (and their parents) and wonder "what if?" Theydon't even know that they're missing a classmate. Here it's been almost six years and I feel compelled to hangaround the school and grab every kindergarten parent I seeand say " I would have had a child in this class," I surprisedmyself because I don't usually hav e those urges anymore.But this is harder than I thought it would be. Another milestone of life-the f irst day of school- thatNicholas (and I) missed. The thing is nobody will think ofthis. It's not a birthday or Mother's Day or Christmas. It goesby unnoticed except by a mother with kids too excited tosleep tonight - one starting 5th grade, one starting 2nd, andone........ Linda Moff att

Night Cry

The Sky �s pitch black, the stars are hid,Clouds cover the moon l ike a shroud.

Stumbling, she staggers on amidWinter bare t rees, weeping aloud.

Memories like demons tear at her mind,They peirce her heart like a kni fe.

There is no peace or comfort to findIn this the midnight of her life.

Within her seething brain he �s near,Yet sobbing shouts get no reply.

Only the dark is there to hearHer haunting, wailing, keening cry,

Echoing some prehistoric rite, As she calls his name into the night.

Rachel �s Cry

R ichard A Dew M.D.

�We found that our circle of friends shifted.... We weresurprised and disappointed that people we thoughtwere good friends became distant, uneasy, andseemed unable to help us. Others who were casualacquaintances became suddenly close, sustainers oflife for us. Grief changes the rules, and sometimesrearranges the combinations �

Martha W hitmore H ickman

� Lying awake at dawn, I remember them,With a love that is almost joy I remember them:

Lost, and all mine, all mine forever. � John Hall Wheelock

Page 3 September 2000

J. and Anne SmithIn Loving Memory of Their Son

Jeremy SmithNovember13, 1981 June28, 1999

Michael Scott Lakin 07/23/1988 09/02/1997 Son of Susan Lakin

Patrick May 09/04/1961 04/02/1986 Son of Bob & Carlene May

Casey Jo Licklider 09/11 1983 09/09/1987 Daughter of Stacy Licklider

John D. Powell 12/07/1959 09/11/1999 Son of Juanita Powell

Linsay Marie Lakin 09/12/1992 09/12/1992 Daughter of Susan Lakin

Dennis Hayes 10/24/1960 09/14/1995 Son of Joe & Sue Hayes

Johnny Ray Jennings II 09/14/1974 06/18/1998 Son of Ann Jennings

Arthur Gray 09/19/1956 06/26/1998 Son of Norma Gray

Ryan David Malone 10/08/1979 09/20/1998 Son of Mark Malone

Sara Tabor 09/20/1985 08/31/1998 Granddaughter ofEmma & Ken Thurmond

Ronald Ryther 09/21/1939 08/31/1973 Son of Emma Ryther

David Asher 09/21/1947 02/17/1978 Son of Ruth Ellis

Michael Wayne Callais 09/24/1952 11/26/1997 Son of Ray & Mary Callais

Bertha Eaton Tabor 09/26/1958 08/31/1998 Daughter of Erma & Ken Thurmond

Roger E. Whitworth 09/26/1948 06/11/1996 Son of Helon Scanlon

Philip Masters 05/02/1961 09/28/1999 Son of Phylis Masters

Timothy Lee Zumwalt 09/28/1968 10/31/1968 Son of Gary & Peggy Zumwalt

Stacey Renae Brown 05/29/1976 09/30/1993 Daughter of Judy & Dan Bedwell

Page 4 September 2000

Butterfly Release Memorials

Joe & Em ogene Mathis and Steve & J ada Mathis

In Memory of their Son and Brother Scot t Lee Math is

Paul & Lynn Spurg eon and Joni

In Memory of their Son and Brother Justin Spurgeon

Rick & Debbie Brown, Elisabeth, Aleah, Hannah, Janessa,

Hillary, Kayla, Adalie, John

In Memory of their Son & Brother Ricky Brown

Mark Malone and Meghan, Katie & Kristen

In Memory of his Son & their Brother Ryan David Malone

Gib & A ngie Adkins a nd Br ittanie,

And rew , Myranda , Em ily

In Memory their Son & Brother Jared Hilton

Dean & Sally Mentink and David

In Memory of theirDaughter & Sister Erica Mentick

Stacy Brown in Memory of her Daughter

Courtney Rochelle Brown

Dick & Kathy Gordon and Josh,

Tabitha & Cody & Brooke

In Memory of their Son, Brother, Husband and Father,

Rick Wayne Gordon

Eddie & Debi Schwertz and Ashley, Katelyn, Dylan

In Memory of her Daughter & their Mother

Krissy Brown

Lyn & Jolene Carpenter

In Memory of their Daughter Jessica Lyn Carpenter

Charlotte & Duane Sutton

In Memory of their Daughter Sondra Sutton & Granddaughter

Amanda Perkins

Bob & Gerry Harris in Memory of their Daughter

Robynn Lynn Harris Gentges

Bob & Martha Lindsley

In Memory of their Son James Nathan Lindsley

Juanita Powell

In Memory of her Son John D. Powe ll

Erma & Ken Thurmond

In Memory of their Daughter Bertha Eaton Taber

and Granddau ghter Sarah Taber

Glen & Mary Woods

In Memory of their Son Andy Woods

Marilyn Whittle

In Memory of her Daughter Tiffa ny W hittle

Dottie & Bruce Taylor

In Memory of their Daughter Missy Taylor

J. & Anne Smith

In Memory of their Son Jeremy Smith

Gerry Hall

In Memory of her Daughter Kar i Diane Ha ll

Stacy Licklider

In Memory of her Daughter Casey Jo Licklider

She ila & Jer ry W iley

In Memory of their Son Jason Hartman

Robert & Janice Isbell and Matt & Rachel

In Memory of their son & brother Nathan J ame s Isbe ll

John & Janis Payne

In Memory of their Son Christopher Payne

& friend David Salmon

Alice Osborn

In Memory of her son Doug Osborn

Bob & Claralouise Lakebrink

In Memory of their Granddaughter

Dana Louise Lakebrink

Dan & Judy Bedwell

In Memory of their Daughter Stacey Renae Brown

Dan & Carol Birdsong

In Memory of their Daughter Lisa B irdso ng C hast ain

Jim & L eslie Jone s

In Memory of their Son Todd Jones

Shirley Crawford and Terry & Jill Spangler

In Memory of her Daughter and their Sister

Sherry Daw n Spangler

John C .F. & Marybelle M orris

In Memory of their Son Brian K. Mor ris

The Compassionate Friends

Mid-Mo Regional Conference

October 20, 21, & 22, 2000

Capitol Plaza Hotel 415 W McCarty Jefferson City Mo 65101

Schedule of Events:

Friday Evening, October 20Hospitality and sharing room will be available for earlyarrivals.

8:00 P.M. Chapter Leader/SteeringCommittee Get Together

Saturday, October 21Book Store will be open Saturday

8:00 A..M. Coffee & Donuts8:00-9:45 A..M. Registration9:45-10:30 A..M. Opening Ceremony

Welcome: Gerry HallSpeaker: Diana Cunningham

10:30-10:45 A..M. Break10:45-12:00 A..M. First Workshop Session12:00-1:30 P.M. Luncheon1:30-2:45 P.M. Second Workshop Session2:45-3:00 P.M. Break3:00-4:15 P.M. Third Workshop Session4:15-6:30 P.M. Free Time6:30 P.M. Banquet--Keynote Speaker:

Marilyn Heavilin9:30 P.M. Sharing Sessions

Sunday, October 228:00-9:30 A.M. Breakfast9:00 A.M. Closing Ceremony

Speaker Diana Cunningham

BookstoreBooks, Audio and Video cassettes and other items ofinterest to bereaved parents, siblings, grandparents,friends and Professionals may be purchased in thebookstore.

Hospitality RoomA hospitality room will be available for renewing oldfriendships and discovering new ones.

Picture BoardsBring a photo or memento of your child or sibling toplace on the sharing board. Due to pace limitations, weask you not to exceed 5" x 7" in size.

Reflection RoomA peaceful atmosphere and tranquil environment inviteyou to withdraw into private reflection andcommemoration of your child � s or sibling �s death.

Sharing SessionsThere will be numerous sharing sessions to meet yourneeds. These sessions will be offered on Friday andSaturday night.

Special NeedsThere will be signing for the hearing impaired at openingand closing ceremonies and also for the banquetspeaker.

Free Picture ButtonsBring a photocopy of your child �s or sibling �s picturefor a free 3" diameter button. The hotel does not have acolor copier. Kinko �s or Staples or other print shop cancopy an original photograph for you ahead of time.

Conference Workshops Hotel Registration

1.) Suicide Survivors-- Suicide AftermathPaul Scranton

2.) Grief and the Justice SystemPaul Scranton

3.) When Your Dreams DieGlen and Marilyn Heavilin

4.) My Faith-- A Help or HassleMarilyn Heavilin

5.) Journaling--Writing-- A Way of HealingAlice Osborn

6.) It �s Been a Long Time--Why do I still FeelLike This.Diana Cunningham

7.) Sudden and Accidental Death--AngerDiana Cunningham

8.) Organ Donations--Giving the Greatest GiftDee Thompson

9.) For Men Only--How Women GrieveNancy Crump

10.) When Professional Help is Needed.Jim Wieberg

11.) For Women Only-- How Men GrieveGlen Heavilin

12.) How to Cope With Hol idays & SpecialDaysGerry Hall

13.) Sibling GriefDan and Debbie Johnson

14.) Taking Care of Yourself While GrievingMarge Doyle

15.) What is This Thing Called Grief?Cindy Buser

16.) Helping the Surv iving Chi ldren ThroughGriefMary Lou O �Bryan

17.) Sibling PanelDebbie Patterson

18.) Guilt Sherrie Koeching-Andrae

Capital Plaza Hotel415 W McCartyJefferson City Missouri, 65101800-338-8088

Conference Dates: October 20, 21 &22Space is Limited. We urge you tophone in your reservations early.

Double & King (up to four people)$69.00Junior Suite (up to four people) $79.00Executive Suite (up to four people)$89.00

No Parking Fees

To get these rates you must tell themthat you are with The CompassionateFriends Conference and reserve yourrooms before 9/30/00

For More Information:Del McMillen 573-474-70482609 Andy DriveColumbia Missouri 65202

Bob Patterson 573-474-4329Dan Johnson 573-455-9847

E-mail: bop@socket.net

Conference Registration FormPlease print legibly.

Please enter the las t name an d the preferred first name (for nam e tag) of each person atten ding. Enter the category of each

person: BP bereaved parent CS child Sibling ages 9-12

TS Teen sibling ages 13-18 AS adult Sibling 19 an d over G grandparent R Relative F Friend P Professional or WP

Workshop Presenter.

Please not that siblings must be 9 years old or older to attend workshops.

Last Name First Name Category 1st Conference?1. Yes No

2. Yes No

3. Yes No

4. Yes No

List by # which of the above are: Regiona l Coordinator Chapter Leader

New sletter Editor

Address

City State Zip Code

Home Phone( ) Work Phone( )

E-mail Fax ( )

Please fill in below the name(s) of your d eceased chi ldren or sibling, birth and d eath dates and c ause of death. T hecause of death will not appear on your name tag. We need this information to arrange sharing sessions.

First Name or Nickname Date of Birth Date of Death Cause of Death

/ / / /

/ / / /

/ / / /

Workshop Choices: To help us plan the size of the workshop rooms, please list three preferred workshop numbersfor each pers on attending with you.

Person 1 Person 2

Person 3 Person 4

Conference Regist ration Fees

Before 9/30/00 After 9/30/00

All Adults, age 19 and up: (BP, AS, G, R, F, & P) $65.00 each x $80.00 each x = $

Bereaved Siblings (CS & TS) ------------------------ $45.00 each x $60.00 each x = $

Total Registration Fees $

Fees include: Saturday Morning Coffee & Donuts Make Checks Payable to: The Compassionate Friends

Saturday Noon Meal Mail This Registration Vicky Morris, Treasurer

Saturday Night Banquet With Payme nt to 5104 Bagnall Sunday Morning Buffet Breakfast Jefferson City MO 65109

Page 9 September 2000

To Contact the National Organization: The Compassionate Friends, Inc. P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook Illinois 60522-3696

Phone (630)-990-0010 Web site: www.com passionatefriends.org

A Native American Lesson in Grief

One of the most commonquestions that family and friendsask is how long does it take to �get over � the death of a lovedone. Native American cultureholds many lessons about griefand its duration. The NativeAmerican legend of theCaterpillar people holds lessonsfor us all in grief. This legend istraditionally told during funeralservices of the Shoshone.

"Long ago, there were two caterpillar people who loved eachother very much. When the caterpillar man died the caterpillarwoman was overcome by her grief. In her remorse shewithdrew into herself and pulled her sorrow around her like ashawl. She walked and mourned for a year and because theworld is a circle she ended up where she had started. TheCreator looked down upon her and told her that she hadsuffered too long. �Now, � he told her, �is the time for you tostep into a new world of beauty. � He clapped his hands andthe caterpillar woman burst forth as a butterfly. Her world wasnow full of beauty and color. � *

Many Native American tribes see the butterfly as a symbol ofeverlasting life. The Wilik-wilik waashaashut or the ButterflyDance enacts this legend. Young women line up single fileand pull their shawls over their heads to cover them. Thisrepresents the caterpillar in the cocoon. The drummers singand drum sadly. After the head dancer returns where shebegun the dancers open their arms and display the brightlycolored shawls. The song becomes more upbeat and thewomen dance to represent the fluttering of the wings.

Another saying of the Warm Spring Native American tribe is tocompare the death of a loved one to a landslide. "When yourroad is blocked by a landslide, you clear it by taking away onerock at a time." In a time, when we want definite answers or aquick fix we should heed the wisdom these legends impartand let us work through grief at our own pace.

By Trudy Weathersby, R.N., M.Ed

* Referenc e: Tafoya, T erry, "The W idow as B utterfly, Innovative Appr oaches

for B ereavem ent B ased o n Na tive Am erican Trad ition," T he D irector , Febr uary,

1998.

�Butterflies count not months but moments

and still have time enough. �

�All who have been touched by beauty are touched by sorrow at its passing. �

Louise Cordana

On The Other Hand

On one hand,You have died; you �re gone.

On the other hand,I feel your essence, know you live on.

On one hand.I �m drowning, see the abyss.

On the other hand,You make contact, send eternity �s kiss.

On one hand,I grieve, lose hope miserably.

On the other hand,Your happiness comes through to me.

On one hand,I �m so hurt, broken apart.

On the other hand,You �re connected straight to my heart.

Yes I do understandyou are happy and free.

I �m not crying for you now,I �m crying for me.

Stars in the Deepest Night

Genesse Bourdeau Gentry, 1999

"For years I never knew whether the twilight wasthe ending of the day or the beginning of the night and then, suddenly one day, I understood that thisdid not matter at all, for time is but a circle, and sothere can be no beginning and no ending, and thisis how I came to know that birth and death areone, and it is neither the coming or the going thatis of consequence. What is of consequence is thebeauty that one gathers in this interlude calledlife."

From "Come W alk Among the Stars,"

by Wins ton Abbott

Enough For Now

There are times in your grieving when you must just letyourself be. As much as you strain to move on, you cannotforce the process. As much as you want to heal, healingcomes in its own t ime. Listen to an inner wisdom that says thisis enough � for now.

Karen Katafiasz

Page 10 September 2000

Find Those Loving PeopleUnderstanding Your Grief

When you are grieving, it takes ten times the amount ofenergy to get through a day. So, you don't have extra energyto spar with relatives or friends who attempt to put you on atime schedule or give you very definite directions on how tomourn. It's hard enough to get up in the morning, much lessmarch to a drummer that is "foreign" to you. So, pamperyourself, be good to yourself, do what you need to do; notwhat others demand or pressure you to do. Listen to yourheart. Learn that in pampering yourself, it's not out ofselfishness, but out of wisdom. You are no good to anybody,including yourself, if you are a mess. So take care of yourself.A little step at a time. Do as much as you can do and don'tfeel guil ty.

When my two eldest children, 21 year old Denis and 19 yearold Peggy, were kil led in an automobile accident, I had tolearn how to make a new life without them. The most helpfullesson I learned was to surround myself with loving,compassionate people who did not try to"take my grief away," but rather were "justthere" caring about me and not pushingme. My heart said, "I don' t want you to fixmy sadness. I only want you near me."

When you feel comfortable and relaxedwith people, you can be yourself and youcan give yourself permission to cry. Youcan talk about your loved one, look atpictures, share stories-all important steps ingrieving. Your whole body feels a sense ofpeace when you are surrounded by lovingpeople who give you time to walk throughyour grief and to heal.

You don't have to "disown" relatives andfriends who are hard to deal with right now,no matter how wel l meaning they are. Justwait until you feel stronger to be in theirpresence, when you can tell them what you need. It takestime to learn what you need; and strength to inform otherswhat you have learned. Grieving is an education and noteveryone had studied GRIEF 101!

Most people feel satisfied when they have paid you a visit,attended the wake or funeral, sent a Mass card, a sympathycard, or a note, sent flowers or food, or a donation to adesired fund or charity. They don't realize that the pain goeson and on and that you really need "follow-up". Friendlynotes, cards and phone calls help us grieving folks as we putone foot in front of the other, walking through the "Valley ofthe Shadow." Sensitive people can give your heart a lift whenyou're having a down day or a rough season. The mailmancan brighten your day, when you know someone is thinking ofyou. "Unexpressed words or quiet thinking of you thoughts" dolittle to lift your spirits when you need a boost.

When my children died, a total stranger wrote to me toexpress her sympathy on my tragic loss. She never missedsending little notes for each "Hallmark" holiday and inbetween, not only to me, but also to my daughter, Annie, my

one remaining child who had just gone away to college.Although Catherine never knew my Denis and Peggy, shenever forgot their birthdays and anniversaries, or Mother'sDay, always remembering them with her beautiful words andspecial masses and telling me she feels she knows them. Wehave become best friends and I am walking testimony that acaring person can hasten your healing.

~Elaine Stillwell

What Am I Supposed To Say? How Am ISupposed To Be?

My friend's son died six months ago. Her note to mesays, "People ask me how I'm doing and I don't knowwhat to say. How am I supposed to be doing? I don't

know." In the beginning she'd say to me, "I feel as though myheart has been ripped from my body." In a perfect world shecould tell that to everyone. But bereaved parents learn quicklyin the grieving process that honesty is NOT always the bestpolicy. Some answers I think people would LIKE to hear are:(With a big smile on your face) "Fine! It was a big shock when

I first heard two months ago, but now I'm overit!" or (With a big smile on your face) "Oh,we're fine, we've taken up ballroom dancing." If the definition of "fine" is: Fragile, Insecure,Not Interested in Anything, Emotional then Iguess "fine" is a perfect answer.

Every psychiatrist, psychologist and therapistI've ever read or spoken to says that talkingand crying for your deceased loved one ishealthy and normal, and crucial to one'srecovery. But in a world where most parentsare NOT bereaved, many people have notexperienced the hard work of the grief process. We are often put into the position of trying todream up an "appropriate" answer to thequestion, "How are you doing?" We try to givethe answer that we know the person askingWANTS to hear. Something positive. Often,

after telling a person how awful missing our child is they willrespond with, "Well, aside from that, how's everything?"

When a person has suffered a physical injury, it is visible(broken arm, cast) and people are solicitous. When one'ssoul has ceased to soar and one's heart and spirit are brokenand bleeding, no one can see. Last year, as a contestant inthe Ms. Senior America, NY State Pageant I was required totell the audience my philosophy of life. In advance I rehearsedwhat I planned to say to a trusted family member, saying inpart that I was a bereaved parent, and that whenever I'vereached out to help another, I've always helped myself. Iadded that I felt all l ife on this planet is enriched when wehave compassion for one another. My well-meaning advisorsuggested I not mention I was a bereaved parent, saying,"people don't want to hear it. They want to hear upbeat,positive, happy things." My feeling was that for a bereavedmother to stand in the spotlight and show the world we cansurvive the worst in life, and live life abundantly was a greatmessage of hope!

When our son died, there were many good people who

Page 11 September 2000

reached out to me, and there were many good people whocould not. The journey of loss is the most predominant thingin a bereaved parent's life, but even the most loving familyand friends do not have a vast reservoir of patience orknowledge. Education about the grief process, for others ANDfor us, begins when our child dies. And so we learnconformity to the world's misguided notions of what our grief"should" be, while being bewildered at the time limit thenon-bereaved place on us. (Twenty-five years ago,Jacqueline Kennedy's tearless, stoic, silent countenance ather husband's funeral had become the nation's role model . Ithink to many it still is.) Recently a friend, referring to awoman who lost her only two children, said that the mother'smentioning them "after al l this time" made her uncomfortable. She said, "I have had my share of tragedies, but I don'tbelieve in talking about them." (Her tragedies are the deathsof her parents.) In the circle of life parents are supposed topre-decease their children. For a child to pre-decease theparent is against every law of nature and man, and the naturalresult is a violent, emotional earthquake. Personally, I thinkthe mother who has lost TWO children is a hero. To survivethat agony, she must be a remarkable human being, and is, Ithink, a great role model. We learn as we grieve about the "f ixers", who want our grief tobe all over, "so we can have a laugh again." We learn aboutthe "controllers", who want us to do it their way, and thoughthey've never experienced the horrific process, they are surethe rules of positivity should apply to us. Dr. Wayne Dyer saysthat there is only one time in life that positive thinking cannotapply; when we are grieving the loss of a loved one.

Last year a woman told her best friend - as the friend wasreminiscing about her recently deceased husband, "He's notcoming back, get used to it." Why? "I wanted to give her areality check." Grieving parents hear this type of comment,too. The friend thought she was being helpful. Maybe shedoesn't realize that a griever's "reality check" begins beforeshe opens her eyes in the morning, when the knot in herstomach is the ever-present signal that she will not see herloved one again in this life. The Eleventh Commandment out to be carved in stone. "Thou shalt not EVER ask a gr iever, "How are you?" unlessyou are a Licensed Loving Listener, ready to listen with yourheart. Grief work is hard enough without having to dream up adream answer. As Jack Nicholson said, "You want the truth?You can't handle the truth!" In the first years, I thought, 'sayyou think of me often, pray for me, tell me you're proud of me,send me a card, mention his name, hug me....don't ask!' Dan Fogelberg sings a good answer to my friend's question,"How am I supposed to be?" It's a song called, "Part of thePlan". "Laugh when you can/Cry when you have to/ Be who youmust, it's part of the plan/ Await your arrival with simplesurvival/ And some day we'll all understand."

by Fran Morgan

© February 2000

Born Still: A Misunderstood Grief

Ifind myself writing this, maybe because I hurt, maybebecause I feel the need to educate others, maybe becauseI just have to.

I have belonged to TCF for about a year and half now. I amjust two years bereaved. My son died when I was full termwith him. In my search for help to assist me through my owngrief I have tr ied to help others understand what it is that wewho have lost a baby - a child at birth feel. Sometimes it isvery difficult to explain because he never lived outside mywomb. But because he was vibrantly alive inside of me fornine months, I grew to know him as he developed.

Sometimes I think back and try to remember the happymemories of my time with Sean. He loved fettuccine alfredo,but it had to have broccoli or shrimp in it. I think about the kindof music he liked. I think about the kind of songs that he likedme to sing to him. How he liked me to rub him to sleep. I alsothink about how he hiccuped so often - it sometimes droveme nuts! Oh, how I miss those days. But because of thosedays, and through this intense pain, I also have joy. I have joybecause I had my son at all, because I loved my son,because I mothered him.

When I was first bereaved, I looked at people who had "time"with their children and thought to myself "Well, at least youhad them for (however long it was)." I know others who aregrieving look at me and think, "Well, at least you didn't get toknow him." I know now how wrong I was, and also how wrongthey are. No matter what amount of time you have with yourchild - the pain we feel is the same.

We should never have to bury our children.

I have pain because he died, because I had only ten minuteswith him outside my womb, because I never saw his eyesopen, never saw his smile, never heard him make a sound.That silence I heard in the delivery room was deafening. Ihave pain because he lay in a morgue for days waiting to beburied. I have the pain of seeing my son in his coffin, seeingthat coffin closed, having a funeral, putting him in the ground,saying goodbye. Pain because I now must visit him at acemetery. I grieve his loss terribly. I feel that crater burnedinto my heart. I feel the emptiness that will never be filled. Ifeel the loss of my future, my life.

You see, I feel what you feel. Our experiences may bedifferent, some may have had their children for a longer orshorter time then I did, but our pain is all the same. Losing achild is a life altering experience. Things will never be thesame - I will never be the same, and I don't want to!

Kathie Evans T CF A lantic Coun ty N.J. C hapter

Page 12 September 2000

The Compassionate Friends Inc

South Central MIssouri Chapter

P O Box 2245

Rolla MO 65402-2245

Non-Profit Org

U S P ostag e Paid

Rolla M o

Permit # 40

Next Meeting � September 11 � 7:00 P.M.

Return Service Requested

We Need Not Walk Alone

The Compassionate Friends Credo

We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends.We reach out to each other with love, with understanding and with hope.

Our children have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our love for our children unites us.

Your pain becomes my pain just as your hope becomes my hope.We come together from all walks of l ife, from many different circumstances.

We are a unique family because we represent many races and creeds.We are young, and we are old.

Some of us are far along in our grief, but others still feel a grief so freshand so intensely painful that we feel helpless and see no hope.

Some of us have found our faith to be a source of strength;some of us are struggl ing to find answers.

Some of us are angry, filled with guilt or in deep depression; others radiate an inner peace.

But whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share just as we share with each other our love for our children.

We are al l seeking and struggling to build a future for ourselves, but we are committed to building a future together

as we reach out to each other in love and share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as wel l as the doubts

and help each other to gr ieve as well as to grow.

WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE