January 2017

Super v i sion vs. Independence

So many of our PACT conversations center around choices our chi ldren face, and how we can equip and suppor t them to make the best ones possible. In these conversations, we often str uggle w ith how much space to give teenagers to make decisions and choices for themselves, and when as parents we should take i t upon ourselves to draw l ines or impose

l imits. This issue of the PACT newsletter focuses on that parenting challenge, offer ing conceptual fr ameworks for thinking about the issue as well as practical advice for navigating this balancing act in di f ferent arenas. As always, our hope is that the PACT newsletter sparks interesting conversation among parents, between parents and their chi ldren, and between parents and the school, shaping a thoughtful community that works together to cultivate and inculcate our shared values.

PACT LEADERSHIP COMMITTEE

RAISING INDEPENDENT ADOLESCENTS: IT'S NOT AN OXYMORON

HOME ALONE

SETTING THE STANDARD FOR TECHNOLOGY

THE SCHOOLWORK DILEMMA

SUPERVISION VS INDEPENDENCE IN THE COLLEGE ADMISSION PROCESS

PARENTING WHEN YOUR CHILD IS A VENN DIAGRAM

LETTING GO...WHAT'S NEXT FOR SENIORS AND THEIR PARENTS?

MESSAGE FROM THE PACT TEAM

IN THIS ISSUE

Shar e your PACT

f eedback wit h us

PACTFeedback@SARHighSchool.org

RABBI TULLY HARCSZTARK

DR. RIVKA SCHWARTZ

DR. RUSSELL HOFFMAN

DR. MICHELLE HUMI

NURSE RUSSI BOHM

MR. MICHAEL COURTNEY

MS. CARI COHEN

LAYOUT & DESIGN: GILA KOLB

RAISING INDEPENDENT ADOLESCENTS: IT'S NOT AN OXYMORONBy: Rabbi Tu l l y Har csztar k , Principal

Here is a common tr uism: we, as parents, hope to r aise our chi ldren to be autonomous, independent adults. Whi le an accurate statement and a noble goal, understanding precisely what we mean by i t - and how to get there - are pr ime parental challenges; and the stakes are high. Too often, we think about this in binar y terms - more super vision/less autonomy; less super vision/more autonomy. Follow ing this l ine of thinking, parents tend to be in super visor y and more control l ing roles dur ing their chi ldren?s younger years when kids are in need of more suppor t. As chi ldren approach young adulthood, the scale begins to sl ide; and i t is exper ienced as a zero-sum game. As the chi ld becomes more independent and autonomous, the parents? suppor tive role diminishes and they exhibi t less control, providing their chi ldren w ith greater autonomy. In this ?binar y, sl iding-scale? model, the hard par t is determining the r ight time to ?let go?. Parents str uggle as to when they should ?give space? to their chi ldren - at what age and in which areas.

Using this model to parent a high schooler , the parental del iberation often looks l ike this: my son or daughter wants to go out on a Saturday night w ith fr iends. I do not know where they are going or what they are doing; w ith whom they are

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RAISING INDEPENDENT ADOLESCENTS

(continued on p. 7)

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meeting or i f i t w i l l be safe. The argument from autonomy suggests that I tr ust my chi ld. The anxious side of me wants to hover , to ask questions, to control. And I pick a side.

I propose shedding this binar y model in favor of a more interdependent model of the parent-chi ld r elationship, one where both parental presence and respect for the independence of each person are constants - from chi ldhood through adulthood. In fact, that is how l i fe works. People are not tr uly autonomous or independent at al l . My family, fr iends and col leagues have been so impor tant for my decision making, for the quali ty of my l i fe and for the ways that I have grow n. Those relationships prop me up, provide me w ith suppor t, broaden my thinking, challenge me. In tr uth, we are al l ?interdependent?. Interdependence suggest nei ther control nor autonomy. Interdependence is rooted in engagement and relationship - but acknow ledges that each person in the r elationship is distinct, w i th his or her ow n mind and perspective.

We can tr anslate that into both educating and parenting. What do we want for our kids? To oversimpli fy for a moment, we want to teach and to provide our chi ldren w ith three things: 1) We want our kids to have a clear sense of values, of r ight and w rong, of a way to l ive l i fe. As Jews, this cer tainly includes Torah and mitzvot, Shabbat, kashrut, chesed and much else. 2) We want our kids to develop a st r ong sense of sel f ; we might associate this w ith self esteem, a sense of being ?good enough?, of being able to make decisions, of having a sense of agency - the abi l i ty to think, to act, to make change, to take r esponsibi l i ty. 3) We want our kids to know that we bel i eve i n them . That does not mean that we do or w i l l agree w ith ever y decision that they make. I t doesn?t even mean that we ful ly tr ust them r ight now. It means that we believe that i f they learn from those around them, i f they take l i fe and i ts r esponsibi l i t ies ser iously, there is so much that they can do - and we believe that they can do i t. And we tel l them so.

We want al l three of these things for our chi ldren. But they are not things that can be achieved through rules, super vision or imposition alone. I t r equir es a l i fetime of engagement, conversation and connection - and a r eal r espect of each person for the thoughts, ideas and perspectives of the other.

When achieved, r eal r elationship is perhaps the deepest l i fe exper ience. But deep connection is not achieved through relationships that are control l ing - nor is i t best achieved by the separation that comes w ith str iving for autonomy. It is bui l t through consistent care and conversation that r espects the thoughts and feel ings - and the digni ty - of each par ty in the r elationship. And ideally, i t should intensi fy as the years go by r ather than diminish.

I t is tr ue w ith spouses; i t is so in fr iendship; and so i t can be between parents and their young adults.

(continued from pg. 1)

HOME ALONEBy: Dr . Rivka Schwar tz, Associate Principal

As a parent, i t?s greatly l iberating when our kids are f inal ly old enough that we can leave them home alone w ithout a babysi tter. No more endless, fr ui tless phone cal ls to tr y to f ind a babysi tter for a wedding on Labor Day Weekend; no more paying surge pr icing babysi tting r ates on New Year?s Eve.

That you can go out for an evening or an event w ithout leaving an adult in charge of your teenage chi ld is a no-brainer. The question becomes more complicated when parents are going away for a more extended per iod of time. Can you leave your chi ld home alone for Shabbat, or longer? Should you?

Let?s star t by stipulating that there won?t be a simple one-size answer to this question. A 14-year -old ninth grader , and an 18-year -old senior two months away from l iving on her ow n, might el ici t ver y di f ferent r esponses. (On the other hand, the fr eshman is less l ikely to invi te ten fr iends over for a small get-together , only to have i t spir al out of control.) Even among students at the same age and stage of school, there w i l l be vast di f ferences of matur i ty and abi l i ty to take r esponsibi l i ty for themselves. So this is not going to be a set of hard-and-fast r ules, but some things to keep in mind when making this decision.

Know your chi ld (and be honest about this.) Are you sure they?ll be okay, r esponsible, safe?

If i t?s over Shabbat, make sure that Shabbat happens for your chi ld. Some kids w i l l get up, out to shul, and have a Shabbat meal on their ow n. Others w i l l stay in bed unti l 4 (Know your kid!) I f your chi ld is in the second categor y, you might want to ar r ange w ith them to stay w ith a fr iend for Shabbat, or get invi ted to the neighbors for a meal.

Have clear guidel ines about invi ting others over whi le

SETTING THE STANDARD FOR TECHNOLOGYBy: Rabbi Avi Bloom , Director of Technology

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In 2016, The International Society for Technology in Education, ISTE, r eleased a new set of technology standards for students. The standards r ef lect the cr i tical role that technology plays in the l ives of our students, and in the future for which we are prepar ing them. I t also str ives to help mitigate the dangers and potential pi tfal ls that could develop w ith ubiqui tous technology use. The goal is to develop independent learners, r esponsible digi tal ci tizens, innovative designers, and global col laborator s. At SAR, we take these goals ser iously and we str ive to par tner w ith parents to help students achieve these benchmarks. We recognize that parents play an impor tant role in cultivating an environment in which teens are challenged to ful ly immerse in the technology that sur rounds them, in thoughtful, meaningful ways, whi le avoiding the pi tfal ls and challenges that are the ?dangers? of technology.

To faci l i tate this par tner ship, we encourage famil ies to r ead and discuss the ISTE Standards (which can be found on the ISTE website and in the l inks section at the end of this ar ticle). Parents should fami l iar ize themselves w ith the ISTE standards and use them as a spr ingboard for fami ly conversation. You can talk about the goals and rationale of each standard and think about ways that you can help your chi ldren achieve these goals.

Three central themes in the ISTE standards are helping students develop as digi tal ci tizens, know ledge constr uctor s, and creative communicator s. Here are some guidelines, and general questions for parents to use as you engage your fami ly in this impor tant conversation.

?Digi tal Ci tizen? - In this standard, ?Students r ecognize the r ights, r esponsibi l i t ies and oppor tuni ties of l iving, learning and working in an inter connected digi tal wor ld, and they act and model in ways that are safe, legal and ethical.? Social Media is an area where parents often str uggle to understand the teen mindset. In her book ?It?s Complicated?, Danah Boyd argues that whi le teens often seem to be natural ly comfor table shar ing online, there is an impor tant role for parents to play in helping teens make responsible decisions. Use your ow n online shar ing as a model. Tel l kids what you share online and what you do not. Ask kids about what they feel compelled to share, and what impact they feel the shar ing w i l l have. I t?s also impor tant to talk to kids about safety onl ine (not being a victim), as well as r eminding them that our values of r especting the digni ty of ever y per son must car r y over into the digi tal r ealm.

?Know ledge Constructor? - Here, the goal is for students to learn how to, ?Cr i tical ly curate a var iety of r esources using digi tal tools to constr uct know ledge, produce creative ar ti facts and make meaningful learning exper iences for themselves and others.? Students often need guidance about how to manage the information they f ind online. Here, parents can be helpful by discussing how you di f ferentiate between online sources. Why do you choose the sources you choose? Why

don?t you tr ust the others? Whi le many of us make these choices intui tively, ar ticulating them to teens can be ver y helpful.

?Creative Communicator? - ISTE descr ibes this standard as, ?Students communicate clear ly and express themselves creatively for a var iety of purposes using the platforms, tools, styles, formats and digi tal media appropr iate to their goals.? Whi le students may be more famil iar w i th the ar ray of choices from which they can choose for their work, parents, as exper ienced communicator s can model this practical ly. Show your chi ldren effective emai ls you?ve w r i tten and presentations you?ve

(continued on p. 4)

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Parents protect their chi ldren - i t?s bui l t into the DNA of parenting. They perceive a danger and take action. When chi ldren at any age are at r isk of not keeping up w ith schoolwork, parents feel compelled, even obligated, to inter vene. After al l , the belief that academic success leads to l i felong success has become a modern day mantra.

Given the adolescent?s movement towards independence, parental inter ventions take on unique character istics dur ing high school. Her e r ests the di l em m a - how m uch does or can the par ent becom e involved?

The answer begins w ith the parent becoming mindful to proactively assess the si tuation.

- Monitor your fear : ?My kid?s str uggle or fai lure w i l l only lead to fur ther fai lures.? This kind of thinking w i l l put you in a panic mode, which your teenager w i l l sni f f out, creating some hosti l i ty and a breakdow n in communication.

- Engage in a meaningful conversation w ith your teenager , one that includes l istening to his/her per spective. Listen w ithout judging--i t w i l l guide your r esponse and help both of you col laborate on what action to take next. Collaboration foster s r esponsibi l i ty.

- I f your teenager denies that there is a problem, understand that the under lying motive for avoidance is fear. Remarks such as, ?I?m on top of i t,? or ?Leave me alone, I don?t care,? are typical r esponses that suggest wor r y about disappointing parents.

- Offer to help w ithout becoming intr usive. ?I?m happy to help, feel fr ee to ask.? - Set aside time to work together. This w i l l l imit the degree of str ess. - When you suspect your teenager is ?playing helpless,? sensi tize yourself to the di f ference between enabling

dependence and empower ing independence. A feel ing of helplessness may be a function of anxiety r ather than abi l i ty.

- Final ly, when a continuing pattern of missed homeworks, poor test scores, or a general lack of interest in schoolwork persists, seek the advice of professionals. Reaching out to exper ts helps both parent and chi ld f ind solutions that nei ther may f ind on their ow n.

By: Dr . Gai l Gum or a, SLC CoordinatorTHE

SCHOOLWORK

DILEMMA

SETTING THE STANDARD FOR TECHNOLOGY (continued from p. 3)

given. Ask them how they feel about the way they communicate and present their ideas and explain your str ategies for effective digi tal communication.

In general, when talking about technology, i t?s impor tant to avoid using sweeping general izations l ike ?Technology? or ?Screen Time? and be ver y speci f ic and descr iptive. Technology is ever ywhere. I t?s how we read, w r i te, play, watch, communicate, and learn. Quali tative, descr iptive conversations w i l l be more helpful than quanti tative measurements.

As we col laborate to br ing these standards to your fami ly conversation, I welcome your feedback, questions and ideas. I can be r eached at avi .bloom@sarhighschool.org.

For further reading:

- The new ISTE standards for students - http:/ /www.iste.org/ standards/standards

- ?It?s Complicated? by Danah Boyd - http:/ / bit.ly/boydcomplicated

- The PACT newsletter from March 2015 contains a number of articles about the book - http:/ / bit.ly/pact315

- Common Sense Media?s ?Parent Concerns? section (http:/ / bit.ly/ csmparenting) This is a free resource to help parents and families create meaningful conversation and engagement around issues and questions related to technology use.

SUPERVISION VS INDEPENDENCE IN THE COLLEGE ADMISSION PROCESSBy: Mr . Michael Cour tney, Director of College Counseling

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For many famil ies, the col lege admission process is an anxiety-provoking exercise. The idea of taking students to visi t campuses, planning for the f inancial r eal i ties of a post-SAR education, and assisting chi ldren w ith numerous col lege applications can be burdensome for parents. Some students can use the hand-holding, whi le other s are more capable of independently managing the enti r e process. Here are helpful pieces of advice for parents in super vising their chi ldren through the col lege application season whi le at the same time enabling them to be independent and tr uly prepared for the next step in their educational journey:

- Ensure that not ever y dinner conversation in the second half of junior year and al l of senior year r evolves around the ?C? word. Al low your chi ldren to l ive in the present and enjoy their high school exper iences, r ecognizing that there is a time and place for col lege talk beyond supper. They might feel l ike you are constantly overseeing their admission process i f you keep br inging up the word ?college? at the sacrosanct dinner table!

- Do not feed the fr enzy and feel the need to discuss your chi ldren?s admission process w ith your fr iends, nor feel the need to ask your fr iends about their chi ldren?s application plans. Respect your chi ldren?s pr ivacy and your fami ly?s pr ivacy. This also underscores your plan for your sons/daughter s to feel l ike the process is ?their s? and they have independence in going through the multi -step journey of high school to col lege.

- There w i l l be some par ts of the process you want to let your chi ld take charge of, and some where the parent should take control. Parents should be the ones f i l ing the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) and CSS Profi le, attending f inancial aid presentations, and budgeting for the next four years. Of course, you should have discussions w ith your chi ldren about what your fami ly can/cannot r eal istical ly afford, but the actual paper work r elated to f inancing should fal l on parents? shoulders.

- Simi lar ly, When i t comes to col lege visi ts, parents should ar range the ini tial tr ip. Then, i f students want to r eturn for longer stays at schools alr eady visi ted, they have the confidence that they can ar range for such an i tinerar y. Keep in mind that the SAR College Counseling Team w i l l take second semester junior s to visi t two out-of-tow n campuses and Yeshiva Univer si ty. With SAR, students have the oppor tuni ty to see Binghamton/Cornell , Brandeis/Boston Univer si ty, or Mar yland/Johns Hopkins in one day.

- On the other hand, students should handle essay-w r i ting on their ow n. (Colleges can tel l when they?re r eading the work of parents or pr ivate consultants posing as teenagers.) Instead, encourage your chi ldren to si t for half an hour , sans technological distr actions, and w r i te at their desk/dining room table. Of course, the SAR College Counseling Team spends many hours working w ith each student on outl ining and edi ting essays but the f i r st steps to such an exercise must be ini tiated by the senior.

- Do not ?expect? your chi ldren to attend a col lege that you w ish they?d attend based on your ow n personal preferences or legacy standing. Of course, matr iculating in an insti tution w ith a vibrant obser vant Jew ish l i fe should be a non-negotiable but demanding that they go to your alma mater or enrol l in a post-secondar y school that f i ts a cer tain ?brand? can only undermine their independence in the admission process.

- Encourage your sons/daughter s to stay organized, ei ther through physical folder s or onl ine folder s in keeping tr ack of al l i tems related to the col lege application process. In r ecent years, I have seen this organization through Google docs and students creating multiple folder s for campus visi t notes, essay drafts, and supplementar y essays.

- Recognize that having multiple chi ldren w i l l l ikely mean having multiple admission exper iences. Know your sons and daughter s--some might be completely independent and need l i ttle super vision whi le their sibl ings might be

(continued on p. 7)

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By: Dr . Russel l Hof fm an , School Psychologist

Parenting a teenager through the turbulent adolescent years can be distinctly challenging. Providing guidance and setting l imits for teenagers can defini tely push parents past their ow n comfor table l imits. Even for parents who have alr eady r aised one or more teenagers, adolescence can present unique challenges for parents that r un the gamut from amusingly di f f icult to infur iatingly confrontational. Watching your chi ld develop into a creative, abstr act thinker w ith talents and opinions of their ow n can be one of the most fulf i l l ing aspects of parenthood. And yet, some of the other tr ai ts associated w ith adolescence can stymie even exper ienced, veteran parents. For instance, i t is well-documented that teenagers are know n for their tendency to challenge author i ty, to oppose or defy l imits, and to make decisions that are based more on emotion and immediate r esults r ather than rational analysis of future consequences. As troublesome as these tr ai ts are from a parenting perspective, i t is impor tant to r ecognize that they are developmentally appropriate. In other words, these tr ai ts make sense w ithin the developmental context of adolescence. And the developmental context of adolescence is, perhaps, best i l lustr ated as a Venn diagram.

As the diagram shows, the developmental stage of adolescence is actually the tr ansi tion from chi ldhood to adulthood. I t begins w ith the onset of puber ty and ends w ith the completion of physical maturation

(which culminates w ith the f inal ization of brain development) and the individual?s ful l emergence into adulthood. Dur ing this tr ansi tional time, teenagers have ?dual ci tizenship? in both the chi ld and adult wor lds. Developmental ly, adolescence is character ized by quali ties of both chi ldhood and adulthood. This means that a teenager simultaneously - and paradoxical ly - has features of being both a chi ld and an adult. This paradoxical dual nature is what makes parenting teenagers so di f f icult and is often the root of teenager -parent confl icts. For example, teenagers are sti l l chi ldl ike in that they lack l i fe exper ience and the r esources to suppor t themselves, and they are not legally independent. On the other hand, they are adultl ike in that they are becoming increasingly autonomous and self-r el iant and they are increasingly able to think r ationally and abstr actly about ever -more-sophisticated ideas. Consider how this Venn-diagrammed person should be parented when i t comes to deciding how they spend their time. Like an adult, they have a developmental ly appropr iate desir e for more autonomy and self-determination, but l ike a chi ld, they r equir e some guidance and super vision/oversight from adults in order to protect their welfare (and teach them the decision-making ski l ls they w i l l need in the near future as ful l-f ledged adults). Ver y often, confl icts between adolescents and their parents ar ise from a disagreement about which side of the diagram is more sal ient in any given si tuation. When parents focus on the chi ld-l ike nature of their teenager and set l imits or impose consequences, that is often when the teenager feels that their parents should accentuate their more adult-l ike quali ties and al low them more independence. And when a teenager feels that their parents should emphasize their more chi ldl ike nature and provide them w ith more assistance, that is often when parents point out their teenager?s adult-l ike quali ties and their capaci ty for self-r el iance and autonomy.

Keeping the Venn diagram of adolescence in mind can help parents str ike the appropr iate balance as they r aise their teenagers. The diagram can help r emind parents to individually assess the var ious si tuations that come up in the course of adolescent development and to determine which aspect of their teenager?s paradoxical nature is most r elevant for a par ticular si tuation. For instance, i t can prompt parents to ask themselves, ?in this si tuation, should I as the parent set l imits and exer t some control over my sti l l -a-chi ld teenager , or should I al low my almost-an-adult adolescent the fr eedom to decide for themselves and to exercise their ow n judgment?? The diagram can also help faci l i tate teenager -parent communication because i t can help parents understand and even empathize w ith their teenager?s more challenging atti tudes and behavior s. Teenagers often chafe at the instr uctive and/or super visor y presence of their parents, or challenge their parents? r ules or values. The diagram can help parents per ceive this fr ustr ating and provocative behavior through a developmental lens, and to formulate their parental r esponse in a way that acknow ledges and respects both aspects of their teenagers? dual nature.

pARENTING WHEN

YOUR CHILD IS A

VENN DIAGRAM

super v ision vs independence in t he col l ege admission pr ocess

you?re away. Maybe you encourage having fr iends over for Shabbat, to help create a Shabbat feel ing and exper ience. But know that a Saturday night gather ing for ten invi ted fr iends can, once posted to social media, easi ly, over whelmingly become a gather ing of dozens whom your chi ld doesn?t know.

If i t?s more than just over a weekend, let the school know. We often see issues ar ise when parents are away, from students coming late to school because they?re getting younger sibl ings out to anxiety about the r eason for a parent?s absence.

Remember you?re parenting a Venn Diagram. (See Dr. Hoffman?s ar ticle.) Teenagers want and need autonomy, but they also need super vision. I f you have to be away repeatedly, or for an extended per iod of time, i t?s advisable to f ind someone for your chi ld(r en) to stay w ith.

Whi le they would general ly not be in play over a weekend, chi ld welfare issues might be implicated in leaving teenagers alone repeatedly or for longer per iods of time. These laws var y by state.

This discussion has been predicated on the assumption that teenagers are in their usual environment, going to school and l iving their usual l ives whi le their parents are away. However , there?s another cir cumstance that, whi le super f icial ly simi lar , is substantively di f ferent enough to mer i t addressing separately.

Teenagers sometimes want to tr avel to vacation destinations in groups, w ithout parental super vision. I f the destination is Flor ida, they may nominally be under the super vision of grandparents; i f the location is more exotic, they w i l l l ikely be on their ow n. In ei ther case, this is enti r ely di f ferent than having students in their ow n environment attending school w ithout parents home for a few days. The challenges posed in these settings are di f ferent in kind, and even when grandparents are present, they are not necessar i ly aware of al l the potential issues, or incl ined or able to offer the same kind of hands-on super vision as parents. For al l of these reasons, we caution against unsuper vised tr avel by high school students on those sor ts of tr ips.

Our teenagers? increasing independence can be challenging in al l sor ts of ways--but when i t comes to our being fr eed from carpool duty and babysi tter hunting, we breathe a sigh of r el ief. As we do, we have to keep in mind our chi ldren?s need for l imits and super vision along w ith their increasing abi l i ty to handle autonomy and independence, and, w ith a clear understanding of the individual chi ld involved, to make thoughtful, informed decisions, and par tner w ith the school to ensure the best outcomes for our chi ldren.

HOME ALONE (continued from p. 2)

(continued from p. 5)

completely dependent on you; you w i l l sti l l need to ensure their feel ing semi-independent in this process. And work to keep your energy and enthusiasm up for your second (and subsequent) times through the process. Chi ldren don?t want to get the sense that parents have been through the process multiple times and are jaded--for ever y chi ld, i t is his/her f i r st time engaging in the process!

- Remind your chi ldren to stay on top of emai ls and read through the ones that are impor tant. And make sure they set up a ?grow n-up? emai l address i f they don?t have one alr eady, such as f i r stname.lastname@gmail.com.

- Parents should think of themselves as cheer leaders in the col lege admission process. The students are the players, w r i ting the content and cl icking ?submit?, but the parents are the ones offer ing unconditional suppor t and love.

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It 's not just what you learn. It 's who you become.

SAR High School 503 West 259 Street, Riverdale, NY 10471

718.548.2727 www.sarhighschool.org

l et t ing go...what 's next f or senior s and t heir par ent s?

So, your son or daughter is in their f inal year of high school, slow ly beginning to r eal ize that l i fe at SAR is coming to an end. Your emerging young adult may be feel ing a mix of emotions: exci tement, sadness, fear of the unknow n, or anxiety about the upcoming changes. How can you suppor t your chi ld, r ecognizing that their judgement and decision making ski l ls are sti l l developing? And how can parents help students whi le they too are coping w ith monumental changes in the family, feel ing pr ide and sadness, and ever ything in between?

It?s impor tant to r ecognize that many famil ies w i l l feel as i f they?re on an emotional rol ler coaster. Talking to other s who are ei ther in the same si tuation as you are, or have been there

before, can help to empathize w ith the w ide r ange of posi tive and negative emotions that you might be feel ing. These tr ansi tional times affect both parents and students.

As parents, we waver between encouraging our teenagers to become independent beings yet encouraging them to make thoughtful, considered plans. Whi le they are budding individuals, they sti l l need adult guidance, someone to consider scenar ios that they might not anticipate. As famil ies prepare to send their chi ldren off to col lege, i t?s crucial to stay connected. Let your chi ld ini tiate the conversation when they have time, al low ing them to communicate w ith you on their ow n terms and in their ow n time. I t?s your job to be open to those moments when they want to talk . Whi le nothing r eplaces face to face communication, there are many ways that may work for your fami ly: FaceTime, w r i ting via emai l, or even group texting can help you stay connected.

Many students at col lege w i l l cal l parents when they exper ience a problem. Rather than tr ying to solve your chi ld?s problems, be their coach. Listen to them as they descr ibe what?s going on, r ecognize how di f f icult the issue might be, then give them time to come up w ith their ow n solutions f i r st. After ward, you can add your ow n suggestions, ultimately helping them to bui ld their confidence about how to handle the problem. They?re usually not asking for a solution, but may simply want to vent, looking for r eassurance when things aren?t going well . Parents can l isten and encourage them to use the var ious col lege campus resources avai lable for students, such as academic advisor s, and health, career , and mental health counseling center s. College can be str essful and there w i l l undoubtedly be fr ustr ations for many students. Al low yourself to be a shoulder for them to cr y on.

Final ly, r emember that we al l feel di f ferently when our chi ldren ?let go? and move out of our homes, even temporar i ly. There?s no need to feel gui l ty i f you are enjoying a quiet and clean house, even when your fr iend is adjusting di f ferently. Parenting doesn?t end here, but i t does change in signi f icant ways. Whi le you may mourn the passing of their ear ly years, there is much joy and grow th to look for ward to.

By: Car i Cohen, Assistant Director of College Counseling

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